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Tai watches as Van raises her shirt to dry some of the sweat running down her forehead. The brunette is hypnotized by the goalie’s abdomen, there’s some freckles she can see from here, and also the redhead’s belly button. Tai feels dizzy. She wants so desperately to feel Van’s skin on hers.
She wishes she could just leave a small bite on her best friend’s belly without it being weird. You know how friends kiss each other during spin the bottle games or slumber parties, just to really learn how to do it? Well, sometimes Tai wishes kissing other parts of your friend's body, besides the lips, was a normal thing teenage girls did, too. But, that’s not really happening, so Tai just gotta use her imagination to try to understand what touching a girl would feel like.
Being a lesbian in Wiskayok is a bummer actually, because Tai doesn’t know anyone else here that has the same romantic interests as her, so she doesn’t have anyone to talk to about this. And teen magazines don’t really cover the subject. The brunette doesn’t feel her straight friends could help her with any of it and Tai was, honestly, afraid of how people would react if they knew about her sexuality.
She’s even afraid of Van finding out, and Van is absolutely her favourite person in the world. But if the goalie knew Tai liked girls and has been consumed by sexual thoughts about them recently, Van would probably be scared of the brunette and consider putting some real distance between the two of them. That’s what Tai supposes would happen at least. So, Tai doesn’t say anything, just drowns herself in these feelings all alone.
Tai is brought back to earth by the sound of Coach Martinez blowing on the whistle. She turns around to get to the right position for the next exercise. It’s incredibly hot outside today and they've been practicing for what feels like an eternity. There’s still two more exercises before Tai can finalise today’s rotation and be on her way out of the field. If it wasn’t so hot, she would probably stay for 20 more minutes to practice scoring penalties with Van, but that’s not happening with this weather.
A few minutes later the Coach’s whistle makes a sound again, now letting the whole team know they are dismissed for the day. Tai makes her way towards the locker room and Van speeds up her walking to get by Tai’s side. Both girls are breathing hard, feeling the weight of the long practice fall on their bodies.
“Looking hot today, Lady.” Van says, with a grin on her face.
“Ha, ha, very funny.” Tai tries to dismiss the redhead’s joke, but a small grin forms on the corner of her lips. Hearing Van call her “Lady” does something weird to the brunette’s body every time.
“But seriously though, we need to consider practing at night next week on something, the fucking sun is trying to kill me.” Van suggests and her entire skin is flushed.
Tai wonders if the goalie applied the sunscreen she gave her earlier, because Van really needs the extra protection. She gets sun burnt easily and Tai doesn’t wanna see her in pain because of the skin irritation.
“Yeah, like Coach could ever fall for that.” Tai says because, truthfully, the girls are the only ones actually sweating, until it personally affects Coach Martinez, he’s not changing a thing.
“He spends the entire time under the tree’s shadow, he’s not concerned about the sun, you know.” Nat says from behind them, joining the conversation.
The girls get inside the locker room, Tai walks to her booth and starts grabbing her products to get to the shower. Except, she’s distracted and when the brunette turns around her eyes immediately fall on Van Palmer taking off her sweaty uniform.
The redhead grabs her own shirt by the hem and starts lifting it up to pass through her arms, revealing the black sports bra she’s wearing underneath it, the whole scene seems to be in slow motion in Tai’s eyes. She’s staring, she can not help it.
Then, Van moves to take off her shorts, and Tai can see the black boxers the redhead has on. Van’s legs are on full display and full of freckles, just like her arms really. It’s not the first time Tai has seen Van in underwear, I mean, they’ve been friends for a long time, she has already seen all of it.
But right now, it is just doing something to her.
There’s this sensation down her stomach, like a chill running through her but it’s inside, and also it burns. She feels all the blood leave her brain and run down to the middle of her thighs. Tai’s mind goes back to that place where she just feels like she needs to touch Van, immediately.
Tai is staring, but no one else seems to notice, the other girls are busy making their way to the showers and changing their own clothes. So, Tai is not concerned that someone may find strange the look she’s giving Van at the moment.
That is, of course, until the goalie herself grabs a towel from her locker and turns around in the direction of Tai. Looking right at the brunette, and that’s when it happens.
Tai is caught staring at Van, and worse , caught by Van herself.
Taissa feels petrified, she wants to open a hole on the floor and crawl inside it, to never leave again. Tai is absolutely mortified, Van is gonna think she’s a fucking creepy lesbian. One that stares at her while changing. This is the worst. This is awful. Tai wants to die. Her life is ruined. This will follow her forever, everybody will think she’s a freak. All the worst possible feelings and thoughts run freely through the brunette’s head in the matter of half a second.
And then, Van really looks at Tai, knowing the girl was just staring, and a grin emerges on the redhead's face.
And she winks .
Van Palmer fucking winks at Taissa Turner. All while wearing only a bra and boxers.
Taissa manages to look away, embarrassed and suddenly stressed. Van moves to get into the shower, like nothing happened. Tai takes a step back to get her water bottle inside her locker, and drinks it all in one go. Tai feels like she’s gonna die now, but not out of embarrassment, no, it’s for a different reason. Tai realises she is completely turned on. And worst, it was because of her best friend.
Tai takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself down, she pretends to fidget with something inside her locker and avoids joining in the conversation her teammates are having near her. A couple minutes later, Tai feels she can now go to the shower. She just needs to clear her head with the hot water and all will be well.
Tai makes sure to keep her head down, and not make eye contact with Van or any of her other teammates, who are all probably half naked, if not fully. She takes her time in the shower, gets dressed, fixes her hair, applies body cream and deodorant. By the time she’s putting her stuff inside her bag, almost ready to leave, Tai’s relieved her brain is back to normal and not thinking about Van half naked.
She’s been feeling such intense emotions lately, but they all pass by quickly, like waves. One moment she feels like she’s panicking and ten minutes later her mind is completely fine and it’s like she never freaked out in the first place.
Tai doesn’t really know what the hell is going on with her, maybe her body is changing, maybe it’s puberty, she remembers reading about something like that in an old Cosmopolitan magazine.
When the brunette is just about to leave the locker room, Van shows up in front of her and asks if they’re still on for movie night on friday, she wants to confirm it because she will be stopping by the movie store later today and wants to make sure she picks the right film for the occasion.
Tai is beyond glad the goalie is just talking to her like usual, like nothing ever happened, like it’s not weird that she caught Tai staring at her body 20 minutes earlier. Thank god, Tai thinks to herself. She dodged a bullet. And then Tai confirms the plans for movie night, she’s actually excited for it, it’s been a while since she had a couple of hours in peace to just chill and do nothing. That’s what watching movies with Van felt like to Tai, in the best way possible.
Now, everytime Tai is alone in her room, or thinks of watching a movie by herself, her head immediately starts listing all the things she should be doing instead to make a good impression on college applications. It’s exhausting living inside her head sometimes. Tai specifically asks Van not to pick a long movie, or she might fall asleep in the middle of it, that’s her only request.
_
Friday comes and the girls don’t have soccer practice this afternoon, so after their last period they say their goodbyes and both of them agree that Van should come to Tai’s house around seven P.M. for movie night. Tai wanted to spend the entire afternoon with Van, honestly, the entire day if Van agreed to it. However, Tai realises the redhead seems a bit off today.
Van’s mind is usually somewhere else during classes, but she’s always present when Tai wants to make a funny remark about their stupid classmates and she always pays close attention when Tai complements the teacher’s speech with a fun fact she already knew about the subject. But, today the goalie was just not fully here.
At first, Tai thought the girl was in a mood because she was hungry maybe, or on her period. But they had lunch together and the redhead stayed quiet even after eating, also Tai knows she’s not on her period ‘cause she just had it last week.
The brunette wondered for a while what the hell was going on, she even asked Van twice if everything was ok and the goalie said yes, everything is fine, she’s just tired. Tai doesn’t buy it.
Something happened to make her upset and it was probably something serious to kill off Van’s vibe like that. Usually, whenever Van gets any negative feelings, she can pretend very well, she keeps up with her jokes and light mood, making sure everyone is having a good time and not paying attention to whatever pain she’s probably feeling inside. Except, Tai knows Van like no one else, and she can easily recognise when something's off, even when the goalie tries to pretend to be okay. Tai also knows better than to pressure her best friend to talk to her. She just has to wait, Van will eventually come to her if it’s something bad, and if she’s back to normal by tonight then Tai will know it was nothing that serious.
The clock shows it is just a little after 7h15 P.M. when Tai hears the doorbell ringing. She goes downstairs to open the door, knowing Van is the one behind it. Tai grins when she sets her eyes on the goalie and gives her a short hug, then makes a gesture telling Van to come inside.
Tai’s parents went to visit her uncle who lives in New York, they took Tai’s little sister, Tyla, with them and Tai doesn’t mind being left behind, because tomorrow is saturday and she has soccer practice with the rest of the team. Soccer has quickly become high on her list of priorities, so she wasn’t about to trade practice for 2 days in New York city to see an uncle she already sees almost every month. All this to say, tonight the girls had the whole house to themselves. Not that they were planning on doing anything crazy, but watching movies in the living room TV was so much better than watching it in Tai's bedroom, the brunette’s TV was smaller and the sound was not as sharp as the one on the living room.
Both girls settle on the couch, sitting side by side, one blanket on top of them and a popcorn bowl on top of Tai’s legs. The taller girl is always the one responsible for holding the popcorn because Van was too clumsy for it.
The movie Van chose was Pretty Woman, with the beautiful Julia Roberts in it. The goalie has already seen it, but Tai hadn’t and Van knows how much Tai likes rom coms, so she was proud of her pick. Tai has been complaining about her extracurriculars a lot in the past few days, that’s why Van assumes the brunette just needs an easy movie and easier laugh to relax for tonight. A complex movie that would take too much brain power to understand was just not an option for this moment.
The girls turned off the lights on the living room, being now illuminated only by the TV screen’s glow and a soft lamp that rested on a small table next to the couch.
They start watching the movie, Tai is actually enjoying it, not one stressful thought in her head and she can’t help but admire Julia Roberts' beauty. She’s too attractive in this movie. Tai thinks she’s just a huge helpless lesbian, there’s really no way she could ever like a man when there are such beautiful women in the world. Also, apart from that little gay panic in the locker room a couple days ago, Tai has been pretty chill about Van, she’s actually glad the constant thoughts about Van’s lips have left her brain, for good. At least that's what she hopes.
About 20 minutes into the movie, the popcorn bowl is almost empty, Tai looks at Van with the corner of her eyes, just to check on her best friend for a second. The brunette finds Van picking on her left thumb nail, intensely. A clear sight of anxiety Tai has learned to recognise in Van a long time ago.
Tai takes a deep breath, still looking at Van’s hands movements, trying to make sense of it. Why is Van anxious right now? What could possibly be bothering her so much? Tai knows she’s not the proiblem, can’t be something she did because Tai has been on her best behavior. If what’s upsetting Van is something that Tai did, then the redhead would’ve said something by now, or Tai would be feeling some level of guilt inside her gut. It’s not it, it’s not Tai, it’s something else.
Once Van arrived at her door tonight, Tai made sure to assess the situation, to see if Van’s mood had made any improvements since they last saw each other at school. And up until now everything seemed fine, I mean, yes, Van is quieter than usual, but she looked better than she did this morning, and Tai could feel the redhead really wanted to be there with her.
But, now Van is picking her nails, Tai can’t see her face properly because of the light, so she can’t read the other girl’s expressions. The brunette thinks for a second and figures she should offer Van the rest of the popcorn, that way the redhead’s hands will be occupied with food and it will maybe distract Van’s trail of thoughts.
Tai raises the bowl in her hand and moves it in Van’s direction. The goalie simply shakes her head, denying the offer. That’s also weird, Van always eats the popcorn until the very last one is gone.
The taller girl is no longer paying attention to the movie, she’s looking at the screen, sure, but in her mind she’s searching for all the memories of the last few times she had seen Van upset. Tai is trying to make a list in her head of what has hurt Van’s feelings in the last six months, honestly it wasn’t a long list, Van doesn’t hold grudges or stays pouting for long.
And then it clicks. Obviously, the reason for Van’s mood had to be the worst one. Vicky Palmer, Van's own mother. Tai didn’t know much about the woman and everything she did knew made the brunette despise her.
Van never really talks about her mom. The act of her willingly coming to Tai to search for comfort after fighting with Vicky only happened two times.
The first time was when Van was 12 years old, already best friends with Tai and she had a fight with her mother. More like, Vicky was fighting with Van, throwing her drunk frustrations at the kid. It got bad, to the point where Vicky threw a long neck bottle at Van’s direction. The kid stepped to the left fast enough and didn’t get hit, but she was already crying about the whole situation. A few minutes later Vicky came into Van’s room and apologised, the redhead tried really hard to feel better after that but it wasn’t working. So, around 8 P.M., Van called Tai and asked if could sleep over, she lied and said Vicky had to work a last minute shift at the diner tonight and she didn’t feel like being alone. It was only half a lie.
When Van got to the Turner’s house they welcomed her with open arms and served the goalie a plate of dinner, even though she wasn’t the least bit hungry. Van practically took care of herself by that age, so Vicky didn’t argue when the redhead said she was gonna sleep at a friend’s house and slammed the door on her way out.
Later that night, when Van and Tai were laying side by side on the brunette’s bed, she could feel something was off, Van wasn’t being her usual joyful self. Also, she could hear Van’s heavy breathing and sense the tension in her body. They were both pretending to sleep and they both knew the other one was still awake. Then, Tai asked quietly and softly if everything was okay.
That little question, said so calmly and with so much affection in Tai’s tone, did something to Van’s mind. She had been holding so much pain and so many responsibilities for quite some time now, only letting Nat know about this side of her, because she knew she was the only one who would understand. But Van loved Tai and she felt loved back in that moment, so much so that she let out a sharp breath and then told Tai the truth about that night. Not the whole truth, but she said she had a fight with her mom and she wanted to be away from home, even if only for one night. She didn’t say anything else, especially, nothing about her mother’s drinking problems, Tai doesn’t need to know that. At one point, during her short vent, Van felt her voice change, like she was about to cry or something. A tear did fell down her left eye, Tai didn’t see it because all the lights were out. But she noticed the goalie was overwhelmed, so she took her right arm and put it over Van’s body. Tai hugged Van really hard and tried her best to comfort the redhead with her touch.
Something very similar happened when Van was 14. She fought with her mom again, but this time Vicky managed to successfully throw a bottle in her direction, only hitting the side of Van’s upper arm slightly, because Van had good reflexes and moved in time to avoid major injuries. The goalie got so furious that she just ran out of the house, feeling all the stress of the world on her shoulders. Van ran for a long time until she reached Tai’s house. However, this was late at night, probably around eleven P.M. and she didn’t have the strength to face Tai’s parents and come up with a lie. So she just called out for Tai, right outside the brunette's window. Tai opened up the window, a frown on her face and a surprised look in the eyes. She saw Van’s expression and immediately told the goalie to get in, jumping over the window.
That night, Van didn’t have to say much, she just looked at Tai with the hope that the girl would understand the situation without any words being said out loud. And Tai did. She hugged Van, sensing how tense the redhead’s body was. The hug lasted long, Van really needed it. After a couple minutes, Tai could feel the goalie’s muscles getting softer under her touch. Tai put a bandaid on Van’s arm, handed her some water to drink and gave her some clothes to sleep in. They got in bed together that night and up to that point Van had barely said a word, besides a couple of “Thank you, Tai”. She was feeling so much anger and shame, she didn’t want Tai to think even less of her. So she stayed quiet.
It was Tai who broke the silence a few moments later, with so much care in her voice: “Van, I hope you know, you’ll always be safe here with me…” She paused, took a deep breath and opened her lips again: “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to relieve some of your pain.” Tai said it like a promise , almost a whisper, hoping desperately that Van would believe her, because it was true. It still is. Tai will do anything to not see that miserable look on Van’s face again. That night the brunette didn’t need an answer after what she said, so the two of them just went to sleep holding each other's hands.
Right now, Van doesn’t look nearly as bad, which is good, means Vicky Palmer didn’t do as big a damage as she did in the past. Tai’s not 100% sure Vicky’s behind Van’s anxious mood at the moment, but it’s her best guess so far. Unfortunately, the brunette can’t say anything about it, it would be like invading Van’s space and that’s the last thing the redhead would want.
So, Tai just takes her hand and puts it on top of Van’s, forcing her to stop picking on her nails. Tai holds Van’s left hand inside hers now and caresses the goalie’s fingers slowly. She’s trying to send a message to Van, that she is fine here, she can relax now, there’s nothing to be anxious about when it’s just the two of them. Tai keeps her eyes on the screen the whole time, but she can feel Van’s eyes looking at her face for a moment. She doesn’t turn to return the glance, Tai just keeps playing with Van’s fingers, hoping that’s enough to calm her feelings, at least for right now.
The movie is almost over at this point and the girls are quiet. Except for a small laugh Tai lets out every now and then, and Van grins softly at it because she loves the sound of Tai’s laugh. They are both paying attention to the film, actually enjoying this moment, most of Van’s anxious thoughts have ceased by now. Not all of them, but it’s enough.
Tai is still holding Van’s hands and Van can’t help but feel grateful for the girl’s touch. Tai’s fingers are soft, and long, she makes small circles and little movements on the redhead’s palms. Van likes this feeling, she likes having Tai this close and for a moment she considers talking to her about the last few days and how on alert she’s been feeling. But, that’s probably not a good idea.
Van has never really opened up about her situation at home to Tai, she has made it clear that the relationship with Vicky is complicated, but Van never wants to give any details. It’s better this way. The goalie feels it would be awful to see Tai looking at her with pity, or worse, Tai would try to help and soon would realise there’s nothing to be done about it, and then both of them would be left with this agony in their throats and a feeling of pure impotence. So Van doesn’t say much, there’s no reason to do so.
Once the movie is over, the girls order pepperoni pizza and eat by the dining table. Tai is doing most of the talking, telling Van about the team the Yellowjackets are playing against in two weeks. Van is paying attention to Tai’s words, trying to make sense of the game strategy Tai is explaining to her, after all, they are both on the varsity team and they took it very seriously. Tai more than Van, because she viewed a soccer trophy as an advantage to insert in her college application. The girls finish eating and they get ready to go to bed. It's not even eleven P.M on a friday night and the girls did consider showing up to the bonfire they know is happening near the school but, honestly, none of them are in the mood to interact with other people.
They get under Tai’s blankets, Van always feeling appreciation for the comfort of Tai’s pillows. And Tai is tired, but she’s not sleepy, so she asks Van to play a game they like to call “Who Am I?”. The game consists of: One girl thinks of a person they both know in real life (usually they pick the girls on the soccer team) and the other one can ask ten questions about who this person is, until she has to guess the right answer. It’s actually always pretty fun to play it.
Van is laying with her back on the mattress and a hand behind her head, the other one resting on top of her own stomach. Tai is laying on her belly, elbows supporting her up a little bit, one hand under her chin and she’s looking down at Van. Tai starts the game and she’s thinking about Jackie, she wonders how long will it take ‘till Van can guess it correctly.
Van asks the basic stuff first: “Are you a girl? Are you white? Are you into Mariah Carey’s music?” and so it goes.
Tai is glad and actually laughing while they play, she can see Van is feeling much better, there’s no darkness behind those eyes anymore. Something shifted, Tai doesn’t know what, but she’s happy with it, because she hates seeing Van feeling anything but pure joy.
“Are you any good at soccer?” Van asks.
“I can be when I put in the effort, yes.” Tai replies and Van immediately laughs, ear to ear, because she knows that’s Tai’s opinion on Jackie’s skills. So she just has to ask one more question to confirm her guess.
“Do you tend to look more obsessed with Shauna Shipman, at any given moment, than with your own boyfriend, Jeff Sadecki?” Both girls let out a real and loud laugh, Tai even tries to cover her mouth, because the smile is too big. But, they can’t contain themselves. They don’t mean to be mean, but the best friends have made a hobby out of noticing how codependent Jackie and Shauna are to each other. They have to laugh, it’s just funny when you look from an outsider perspective.
It’s Van’s turn now and she is thinking of Tyla, it shouldn’t take long until Tai can guess her own sister. They go on playing and Van feels at ease in this moment. But there’s still a space in her head that is in alert mode, thinking about her mom and how long will it take until Van has to clean up Vicky’s mess again.
Three days ago, Vicky got home around nine P.M., seemingly sober and walked into Van’s room. She sat on the edge of her daughter's bed, looked at the goalie, dead in the eye, and said she was going to try to be better from now on. Vicky looked like she meant it, said it wasn’t fair to have Van be the adult in the house, and that she would stop with the constant alcohol and occasional drug use. Enough is enough and she wanted better for both their lives. Vicky said it all with so much honesty and vulnerability in her voice, if Van didn’t know any better she would have bought it.
But Vicky has made such promises before, her speeches are very compelling when she wants to. However, in the past, the sober promises didn't last a week. So, yes, Van doesn’t believe her mother right now. And unfortunately, when her mother eventually relapses, because she always does, it’s gonna be worse than it was before. Vicky always manages to get worse when you thought she already hit rock bottom.
Right now, Van is afraid that at any given moment she’s gonna get a call about her mom, and it’s gonna be something tragic. Van’s imagination usually goes to bad places when it comes to Vicky, so the possibilities seem endless. The goalie’s been having a hard time going through her days because her mother is only fine until she isn’t, and then it immediately becomes Van’s problem.
She doesn’t really know what to do about it, hoping that this time Vicky means it and actually stays sober for a meaningful amount of time is not a real option in Van's mind.
So she just has to wait. Wait for the worst, hope it is not as bad as the last time. The redhead has to wait it out and pray the anxiety doesn’t kill her from inside out in the meantime.
Tonight, Tai was able to soothe the voices in Van’s head and the nerves in her body, and the goalie is extremely grateful for it. She wishes she could have Tai by her side every hour of every day, just holding her hand and making sure she exists in the present, without Van ever needing to say a word or ask for it. Van thinks Tai did something magical tonight by calming her down without her having to explain anything. The redhead loves how easy everything is and feels with the brunette by her side.
Damn, the goalie really thought she was over this crush, but it seems like the craving never actually left her body. She realises now that she wants Tai, and not in the way that best friends are supposed to.
Well, congratulations Van Palmer you were able to not think about Taissa Turner in a romantic setting for 3 entire weeks. New fucking record. No wonder she thought the crush was gone.
Fuck. Having issues at home she was used to, it barely even hurt anymore, felt just like a bunch of wounds she knew how to scratch. Now, having a crush on Taissa Audrey Turner and knowing she could never act on it? That’s a whole new level of hell, right there.