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“It’s real nice… the breeze from up here.” Tom spoke low and content, smile on his face which was illuminated divinely by the moon. Redd held his breath staring at his former partner.
The breeze from the ocean wind felt wonderful compared to the hot day it had been prior. The sun was long gone over the horizon now, the oceans reflection exposing the moon.
It was a picturesque night, and Redd felt like he’d done everything right.
He chose the right words, restrained any childish urges he might’ve had, played the perfect gentleman. Today didn’t feel so tense like it had the first time he arrived on the island.
The first time, Tom had him hanging by his tail off the edge of a cliff, the two half beaten to death.
Alright, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. But it wasn’t pretty, Redd would admit that.
There was a lot of pent up feelings, a lot of long forgotten emotions awoken before hibernation was quite over. It was painful and messy, but the water was calm now.
Redd felt as if they were at an impasse, some calm checkmate where no violence could be found anymore. No more grudges, no more fear.
Forgiveness wasn’t a word Redd would use lightly, not when it came to Tom, but he felt confident about the progress they’d made.
The air was clear.
“Thanks, for dinner. Although I don’t approve of your unhealthy cup ramen diet, it was fun to eat in the boat again. Made me feel like a kid.” Tom heartily laughed, turning to face Redd. He looked as if he expected some response, but Redd was sort of ogling.
That smile was so free of worry, so genuine and fond. Tom looked like he hadn’t aged a day, like he’d never resented Redd a day in his life.
He was so beautiful.
And when Redd opened his mouth to breathe, he ended up speaking.
“…I’m in love with you.”
The second the words left his mouth, Redd didn’t regret it yet. For a split second, adrenaline made him confident. For a split second he looked hopeful, tail twitching at the end in anticipation.
No, the regret set in when he saw the look on Tom’s face. He looked no less than horrified, moonlight now making him paler than a ghost. He looked as if someone had just played a cruel joke on him, as if you’d just punched him in the gut.
Redds nose twitched, ears flattening submissively on his head. He reeled back in confusion and hurt, not knowing why Tom was looking at him like he’d done something wrong. For once, he felt undeserving of that look.
For once, he felt he deserved to be forgiven.
Tom hadn’t found his words yet. Instead he’d been lost gawking at Redd, unable to wipe the terror off his face. The smell of sea salt could have made him sick.
Redds tail flicked the water, twitching in uncertain fear. The water splashed onto the edge of Redds boat and scared Tom back to reality. He nearly fell off the edge when he tried to back up.
“W- What the hell is wrong with you?!” Tom did not hide his distress in his response, he did not sugar coat it or soften his voice. He barked at Redd, expression as dark and bitter as the coffee he drank.
Redd flinched, his posture was uncharacteristic and tucked in. His heart was pounding so loud he heard it in his ears, his nerves shot like crazy. His adrenaline had nowhere to go, all of it rushed to his face and made him bright red in shame.
Shame, and anger.
“…What’s wrong with me?!” Redds voice was accusatory. “What’s wrong with you?! You’re the one who who’s been being so nice to me, feeding me and letting me stay here! What the hell are you doing to me, Nook?!”
Feeling targeted, Redd immediately became irrationally defensive. The shame in his stomach was quickly swallowed by venomous stomach acid and violent bile. He couldn’t stand not having the upper hand, couldn’t stand feeling smaller. So he flicked his tail threateningly at Tom, becoming ‘bigger’.
“Jesus, Redd! I can’t do this with you again!” Tom exasperatedly throws his hands up to tug at his own hair, pulling at the strands of grey. “I’m trying to make amends here, not get married for a second time!”
“You have some fucked up idea on what it means to ‘make amends’! If you just wanted to clear your fucking conscious, you should have shot me dead! Maybe then I’d stop being a thorn in your god damn side! Take your sympathies and shove them up your ass, Nook!”
“Why are you doing this to me? Why are you trying to—“ Tom chokes, wheezing on his words before he could say them. “Why are you trying to rope me back into this again?” His chest heaves, blood pressure skyrocketing when Redd bared his teeth.
“You’re the one who keeps laughing and smiling at me like nothing ever fuckin’ happened! I thought you—“ Redd, similarly starts feeling too vulnerable. He almost throws up finishing his sentence. “I thought you wanted this! Wanted me!”
“I wanted to clear the air, wanted to stop waking up in cold sweats thinking of what I could have done differently, wanted to know you were sorry,” Tom starts rambling, losing his breath again. He’s panicking. He’s panicking and he doesn’t know how to stop this from spiraling from bad to worse. “I didn’t want to start all over again.”
“Why the fuck not?! You keep talking about how much you’ve changed, how you got ‘better’, but what fucking good is it?! What good are your second chances if you pick and chose who gets to “become better”, whatever the fuck that means?!” Redd shoved Tom’s arm, resorting to physical means to try and get Tom to look at him. “Why aren’t I allowed to change for the better?!”
Tom averts his eyes but they flicker, he doesn’t blink when he responds. “I can’t just take you back because you changed.” He attempts to remain the level headed one. If he breaks here, he doesn’t know what hope he has for ever escaping this cycle of hurt.
“Oh! Oh I get it!” Redd forces a raspy and sarcastic laugh from his hoarse throat. His eyebrows were bent furiously, but his teeth bared a smile. “You’re allowed to move on and start a happy little island family, but I’m not! No matter how hard I try, I’m stuck on this god damn boat!” He spits, fur spiked up in rage. “All alone for the rest of my life! I get it!”
Tom is trembling but he finally grabs Redds hand to remove it from its spot on his shoulder. Redds claws had started to dig their way into his skin. He was leeching off Tom like a parasite, and Tom felt every ounce of blood drained from him.
“Redd, would you talk to me like a fucking adult?!” Tom snaps, Redds temper seeped into his blood like a venomous snake. “You can’t expect me to be okay with everything that happened between us! You can’t force your way back into my life!”
Redd disregards the first remark, growling like a feral fox without any sense of maturity. “Thats. Not. Fair!” His hands start shaking as they have nothing to do but idly tremble in the air. “You fucking liar! All you wanted me for was to get rid of that last bit of dirty laundry huh?! Wash it, dry it, and burn the rest! Thank you Redd, sorry Redd, goodbye forever Redd!” He sounded borderline manic. “All I am is baggage, just a bunch of guilt you can’t stand! Well fuck you Nook! Fuck you and your pity!”
Redd stood up suddenly and the boat started rocking. The previously calm water shook, the cool air becoming thick and unbreathable. Tom wanted to shove his head under and scream until he drowned.
“Stop it,” Tom pleaded with him, unaware what he was begging for. “Don’t do this again.”
“Do what? Leave you?” Redd mocks, looking around with raised arms in faux disbelief. “Because you seem to be doing pretty fuckin’ well without me Tom! You’re living the dream here!”
“You can’t blame me for what happened,” Tom supported himself with a shaky hand on the boat, standing up now too, he towered over Redd like this. It didn’t make him feel any less powerless. It didn’t make Redd any less hostile. He simply casted a shadow over the fox who was steaming with envy. “You can’t keep hurting me.”
“Are you gonna stop me? Huh? Go on! Just push me into the ocean and be done with me!” Redd challenged him, big headed and stupid like always. For all that talk of change, Redd spoke in that same way all but 15 years ago. Tom felt like he was living in a permanent state of horrible Deja vu in some never ending nightmare.
“Quit it!” Tom grabbed him by the collar of his tank, fur twinged between his fingers. Redds ears twitched, being grabbed looked like it sparked something terrible in him. “Quit acting like we’re still stuck in a tent together! You can’t cry and hit me until I give in, I’m not a stupid kid anymore! You hate that, don’t you? That you can’t berate me until I listen?!” Similarly, Redd sparked something terrible inside Tom too.
The argument made Redd feel warm familiarity in his gut, it was something nauseating but fierce. Something nostalgic and comforting.
Tom’s burst of anger fizzled out, years of resentment and exhaustion caught up to him fast. His hand weakly gripped the fabric of Redds shirt, expression softening. He couldn’t look angry anymore. He was so tired.
But he couldn’t seem to let go of Redd.
The silence was palpable, and Redd could’ve sworn he somehow heard Tom’s heartbeat in his throat when he panted.
“I can’t… keep doing this with you.” Tom mewls. It’s defeatist and pliant. It’s a perfect look on him, Redd finds himself admiring.
Catching his breath and not in any shape to be in a screaming match, Tom looked dazed and miserable. The redness in his face looked almost purple in the shadow of the moon, and his lips were parted in a trembling sigh.
Redd thought he was beautiful.
So he spoke without thinking.
“…I love you.”