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Torture. It felt like he was slowly dying. Every time PBG saw Jon and Hana together he felt a piece of himself physically crumble. When he saw the pink-haired girl on the first day of class and heard her name he immediately knew. Hana. She was the girl from his past. The girl he grew up with, the only girl he had ever really deeply cared for. The girl he lost. There she was, suddenly returned from the void, and he didn’t know what to do.
PBG planned to tell her who he was, to reconnect with her. He spent weeks thinking of the perfect way to say, “Hi, I’m your best friend from childhood. I know it’s been years, but I’ve always loved you and I think we should be together.”
But the words never came to him, and before he knew it Hana had asked Jon to the Flower Festival. She was dating his best friend. Now there really was no way to tell her. PBG had missed his chance and that hurt more than anything.
Time passed and things more or less returned to normal. Occasionally PBG still felt his stomach drop when Jon pecked Hana on the lips or when he saw their hands intertwined as they watched bootleg copies of Washington, but he pushed these thoughts to the back of his mind. He had to. Hana was happy. PBG saw the way she looked at Jon; even when he was going on and on about some musical she had clearly never heard of. She watched him intently, lovingly. Her eyes practically glittered. Hana would never look at PBG that way, but it was fine. Her happiness mattered more to him than having what he wanted. He could live with the pain if it meant that Hana and his best friend were happy.
His mind made up, PBG devised a plan. He simply wouldn’t be alone with Hana. Obviously he couldn’t tell her about his feelings and their shared past if Jon was there. And it was working. He kept busy with soccer practices and late night gaming sessions with Jeff. He almost felt normal again. Almost like his long lost-friend? love? soulmate?-had never come to Asagao.
Then, one Saturday night, he heard a knock at his door. It sounded awfully familiar. PBG opened the door to find Hana waiting patiently yet eagerly in the hall.
“Is Jon here?” she asked timidly. It hadn’t escaped her notice that PBG had been avoiding her. “He said that we were going to watch Hairgel tonight because I told him I hadn’t seen it and he said that he was ‘personally offended.’” She put air quotes around the expression, but PBG could tell that she actually found it endearing.
“Umm, actually he’s still at Azalea. Practice must be running long. He’s working really hard on the musical.”
Jon was putting on a full-scale production of The Miserables. Hana had somehow wiggled her way out of participating despite being the surprise star of Asagao’s last show. She suggested that Mai take the role of Colette. She is one for the dramatic, after all.
“Oh, well would it be okay if I waited here for him to come back?” she asked.
PBG balked at the request. He really wanted to just say no, but he didn’t want to be rude. He searched desperately for a polite excuse but came up with nothing. There wasn’t even a legitimate reason for him to leave the room because Jeff was out of town for the weekend and he couldn’t go practice past curfew.
Oh shoot! I’ve been standing here thinking too long! He suddenly realized. She’s probably wondering why I’m just staring at her! PBG, you dumb butt! Just say something!
“Uhh sure, I guess.” He stammered.
“Thanks!”
Hana instantly perked up as she entered the room and plopped down on the couch. Under the guise of doing homework, PBG watched her as she began a rousing game of the original Marionette Party.
For a while, he watched her out of the corner of his eye while she played. Hana absentmindedly chatted with Jacques as she sent Princess Pear on a quest for the star. PBG noted how she excitedly squealed “Yay!” when she won a minigame, while she thrust the blue controller above her head in victory. He tried to suppress his automatic smile. PBG chuckled to himself as Nario stole one of Hana’s stars and she let out a loud, irritated groan.
She turned to Jacques and said, “It’s not fair! The computer is cheating.”
“Maybe you’re just bad at the game,” Jacques retorted.
“Rude! I thought we were friends.”
“Friends tell each other the truth.”
As Hana and Jacques bickered back and forth, PBG focused on the adorable, tiny pout that had formed on Hana’s lips. Hana was just being herself, animated and content, and he just couldn’t tear his eyes away. That’s when the what if’s slowly started to creep back into the front of his mind.
What if he told her? Maybe everything could be different. If Hana knew, she might change her mind. If PBG told her that she is the sweetest, most adorable girl in the world and he has cared for her ever since they were little kids, maybe then she would come running into his arms instead of Jon’s. The dull ache that he felt in his chest when he saw Hana and Jon together would vanish. Hana would be cuddling him at night as they watched a movie together. They could stay up all night talking about their dreams, their future together, their shared past. They would pick up the blue and green controllers to play some Zilda: Panflute of Time or Nario Kart 64. It wouldn’t hurt anymore.
PBG felt selfish for even thinking these things, but he wanted to be happy. He couldn’t live with the regret of never even trying to be with Hana. Besides, she’d probably say no any way and everything would stay the same. No harm done. At least he would know. They would both know.
PBG gathered up every last ounce of courage contained in his lanky body and opened his mouth to speak.
“Hana, I-“