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first. he touches you and you light on fire. your wrist blazes where his fingers meet your skin. the burns don’t show, but it’s hard to breathe with ash in your lungs. it’s so hard to breathe. you’re suffocating daily.
At first, Mats didn’t even notice.
He was focused on other things. Focused on himself, focused on the matches. He wanted to make the U21 team and when he did, everything changed.
All of a sudden, he noticed a smile brighter than the sun. A laugh that sounded sweeter than Mats’ favorite song.
Benedikt seemingly appeared out of nowhere but with an unexpected force. They’d played together a few times before, but once they were on the same team, forced to unite as the youngest German team, Mats couldn’t take his eyes off of Benedikt.
“Stop calling me that. Benni’s fine,” he said all the time, always with a smile. But no matter how many times Mats tried, he couldn’t manage to say it. Benni. It signified some sort of closeness, of intimacy, that Mats wanted to avoid. He was having trouble moving, speaking, breathing around Benedikt. It was hard enough already, and Mats had managed to keep up a good front.
Some days it was difficult, when Mats wanted to avoid Benedikt and be close to him at the same time. His heart wished to listen to Benedikt’s stories, laugh with him, touch him. But his head told him to run, to get away from all of it. Falling for a teammate was a bad idea. Falling for another guy in general was a bad idea.
But no matter how hard he tried, Mats just fell harder for Benedikt. Dreamed of his hair, breathed in his scent when it lingered in the room after he’d left. It was intoxicating.
Then, after a derby, they took off their jerseys and swapped them. Blue to yellow, yellow to blue. Benedikt’s smile was infuriating and Mats’ head close to exploding. High on adrenaline already, the sight of his favorite person taking of his shirt, walking up to him, was way too much to handle.
When Benedikt’s fingers touched Mats, it was like an explosion. He was reaching for the shirt but his fingers grazed Mats’ hand, his wrist, sending lighting bolts through his body. The noise around them drowned out, all the other players, the media, the fans disappeared from the stadium. The only thing he saw and heard was Benedikt, laughing at him in slow motion. Mats grabbed the blue shirt and dug his fingers in as deeply as possible. The burning sensation on his wrist hadn’t stopped yet and he honestly felt like it never would.
He stopped in his tracks, and even when Benedikt had moved on, his touch never left Mats’ body. He’d left a mark on Mats and every day since, Mats has yearned for him.
second. it hurts to watch him. he shines. he’s brighter than the sun, he’s too beautiful for your eyes. it’s hard to look at him. it’s even harder to look away from him. you’re going blind.
The years went by, yet Mats never fully recovered. He grew older but he never fell out of love again. Eventually they were both too old for the U21 team, but they’d become close enough to stay close to each other. It took everything Mats had to maintain his front. To be fine with being friends. To not let anybody know how he really felt.
“Benni,” he’d finally come around calling him that. “He’s a great player. He’s skilled and we’re very similar, because we trained together a lot. It’s always fun playing against each other.”
The interviewer seemed happy with that response and Mats felt he’d conveyed affection for Benni as a friend without revealing his hopeless crush. Sometimes it was like leading a double life. His secret identity was in love with a boy and nobody could know about it.
When he looked over and Benni was happily telling a story for the interview, Mats couldn’t tear his eyes away from him. He was radiant, illuminating the entire room. Mats couldn’t understand how the whole world wasn’t gravitating towards Benni, because he was.
Benni was what gave him life and light. He filled his heart with warmth and affection. When he was around, Mats could physically feel his presence. It was distracting, and every now and then too obvious. When other players teased him, Mats just shrugged it off and pretended to have a lot on his mind. In truth, only Benni was on his mind.
“His jersey’s in my closet. The very first one,” Mats responded, when he finally got back into the conversation. Luckily he’d caught the question this time.
“And Mats’ is in mine, too,” Benny explained, turning his head and grinning directly at Mats. This always happened, and whenever it did, Mats heart felt like it would jump out of his body any second. Looking directly at Benni was much more difficult than observing him from a distance. It made Mats feel vulnerable and paralyzed. Painful. Heart-wrenching.
So close, but too far.
third . your ears are tuned to his voice. you could pick him out in a sea of thousands. his voice makes pretty singers who sing pretty songs sound dull. his voice makes everything else sound ugly.
“Are you listening?” He felt a hand on his shoulder, shaking his body. “Mats? Can you hear me? Hello?” Again the shaking.
He’d zoned out for a bit. Maybe even a while. He didn’t know. “Sorry. Yeah.”
Benni pulled his eyebrows together and looked at him worried, hand still on Mats’ shoulder. “Is everything okay?”
No. Nothing was okay.
“I’m sorry you guys broke up, but you can’t let it drag you down too much, okay?” Benni continued and finally took his hand off Mats. The burn still lingered there for a while but Mats had gotten used to it over the last few years. It was the sort of pain he’d just learned to accept. Just like the sting in his heart whenever he realized how beautiful Benni was. And just like the pain in his gut when ever he heard Benni talk.
“It’s alright,” Mats finally responded. “It’s not… that. It’s okay.”
Breaking up hadn’t been easy to do but then again, his effort to maintain a relationship (with a girl no less) had been doomed from the beginning. It had been worth a shot but it’s hard loving somebody when you’re in love with somebody else.
“What can I do to cheer you up?” Benni asked and flung his arm around Mats’ shoulders. He dragged them forward, finally moving away from the locker rooms where Mats had gotten lost in his thoughts. “You can’t sulk here alone. I thought you’d already left.
“I was slow. The shower took forever.”
“I came back because the rest of your team had already left and said you’d told them to leave you, Mats. That’s dumb. You shouldn’t be alone right now.”
“No, I shouldn’t. I heard you, though. I’m sorry if I worried you. I heard you in my head, but I didn’t know how to… I just…,” Mats sighed and Benni stopped. “It’s hard to explain.”
“You don’t have to explain anything. Or say anything,” Benni said and although Mats avoided looking at him, he knew exactly what Benni’s face looked like right now. “Let’s get you a beer. You won’t have to say anything, I can talk. I’ll tell you something and I don’t care if you listen or respond. Just be there, with me, okay? It’ll distract you.”
Mats nodded. It was a fucked up situation. He was tragically in love with his best friend, who had no clue about it. He’d just broken a poor girl’s heart because he wanted to prove something to himself which he’d already known wasn’t true. He’d neglected his training, his friends and his team because Benedikt Höwedes occupied every single thought in his head.
All the exhilaration that had been there in the beginning was gone and all Mats was left with was pain.
When Benni spent the evening with him, told him one story after another, it soothed Mats. It lulled him in and felt like balm for his hurt. It was always the same pattern: Mats suffered, Benni comforted him and in consequence the pain came back. It was idiotic and hurtful and more than once Mats had thought about distancing himself from Benni. If he stopped letting him in, he would eventually stop hurting.
But he couldn’t do it. Even in this bar, with all these other voices and all these other faces, Mats could hear Benni clearly. Even with his eyes closed or fixated on something else, Benni’s voice found its way to Mats’ ears.
How could he ever not want to listen to that voice?
fourth . the color of his eyes is brown enough to drown in. he is turning you into a clichéd love-wrecked being. you’re drowning, always sinking. down, down, down.
With the world championship title in the bag, Mats felt like he could take on the entire world.
Fuck being lovesick. Fuck suffering. Fuck being lonely. He was a world champion, for god’s sake. World champions don’t mope around. They take action.
Long enough he’d been asked why he didn’t talk as much or as loudly anymore or why he’d stopped laughing at some point. This wasn’t who he was. Mats Hummels was fun, cheeky, a joy to be around.
“You’re in an awfully good mood,” Benni noted when Mats came over. “Did it take being world champion to get you out of your funk?”
“I wasn’t in a funk”, Mats said, unconvincingly.
“You’re right, it was way worse.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. I’m just glad it’s over. The last few weeks were really fun,” Benni said with the warmest smile on his face. “I’m glad I have you back.”
Mats genuinely smiled at that, and it felt like he hadn’t smiled in a very long time.
Benni’s eyes were glowing, warm and kind. Mats could have probably started crying then and there, with his heart full of joy. He took a few hesitant steps, crossing the space between him and Benni.
Was this the right time to say something? He’d crushed on Benni for so many years at this point, it felt hilarious to explain it all in a few sentences. How would he even say it?
“Are you okay?” Benni asked and Mats realized that he’d just walked over and was now standing in front of Benni, without saying anything. Benni stared at him with those big, beautiful brown eyes that Mats had lost himself in repeatedly. Mats knew every shade they had, depending on Benni’s mood. He’d studied them over and over, and at this point they felt like home.
Without thinking Mats leaned forward and pulled Benni into his arms. After the initial short surprise, Benni adjusted and wrapped his arms around Mats’ back as well. Mats laid his head onto Benni’s shoulder and closed his eyes.
He knew he should say something, explain what was going on. But he didn’t know how and right now, he just wanted to be close to Benni. And Benni let him. No questions asked, no hesitation.
Maybe it was a minute, maybe it was an hour.
When Mats simply whispered “Thank you”, Benni only held him closer.
fifth . you know him. you love him. through a thousand lifetimes, across millions of stars, you’d find him, you’d never leave him. you love him, till death do you part.
When Benni found the envelope, he immediately recognized Mats’ handwriting. He tore it open and pulled out the letter. A letter. Who wrote letters?
He walked into his living room and sat down on the sofa. This felt like it would be important.
Dear Benni,
Don’t laugh, I honestly thought a letter would be a great idea! My hand will probably hurt by the end of it, but that’s fine. Excuse any rambling and spelling mistakes – I didn’t really order my thoughts beforehand. I just wanted to get a lot of stuff off my chest and this seemed like the right way to do it.
First of all, I’m insanely happy that we’re both going to be on the team for the European championship in France this year!! Wohoo, we always play so well with each other so I hope we can win the title for Germany! This already brings me to my next point: before we fly out to the training camp and then will basically be travelling together all the time, there’s something I want to share with you. I’ve been carrying it around with me for many years now - it’s almost laughable this point.
Remember how we first met? We weren’t super close at first but we had respect for each other and then came friendship. A friendship I’m so proud of and which I never ever want to miss again in my life. I’m glad you let me be your friend and teammate, however, it was a little different for me. Benni, I have a gigantic, enormous crush on you. At first, I didn’t realize and then I tried to deny it but even when I managed to distract myself for a few months, the feeling came back. And it came back stronger every time. Whenever you thought I was acting weird around you (pulling away from your touch, avoiding your look, ignoring your voice), it was because of that. I got tangled up in you so much that I sometimes felt like I’d lost my connection to reality. You kept me sane and drove me insane at the same time.
God, I hope you’re still reading this and haven’t burned this letter by now. I feel like such a coward writing this down but it’s the only way I can go through with this. For the better part of the time we’ve known each other I’ve avoided my feelings for you. Brushed them off. Even tried it with other people, just to forget you. Everybody has a crush, right? I thought it would go away and we’d be able to laugh about it at some point. But it never went away. At some point in the last two years I realized that I couldn’t run away anymore. I wanted to tell you, even if you never spoke to me again afterward. I’d reached a point where I couldn’t bear the weight anymore, so I decided to tell you. Clearly, it is easier writing it all down than saying it to your face, so here we are. Benni, I’ve fallen for you utterly and completely and in the best way possible. You make me laugh, you make me happy and you make everything better. I love being your friend, it’s the best part of every day. But in order to keep myself sane and be able to move forward, I need to throw this out there and put it all on you. I’m sorry! I’m sure this is incredibly overwhelming and if there was any other way, I would have kept it to myself. But I’ve been quiet for too long. Even after just writing this down, it feels like I can breathe a little lighter.
I don’t know how to move forward. I’m not sure what I’m expecting. All I hope is that you don’t take this too badly and that you can still face me. It’s ridiculous to say ‘I hope this doesn’t change anything between us’ because I know it will. But change can be good, so I hope we can move past this somehow and I can reach a place where I’m happy and focused again. Admitting my feelings for you to myself was the first step. Admitting them to you is the last one. In the last year, I’ve finally returned to the old Mats. The fun and happy one. I like myself that way, and I hope you still like me, too.
Your Mats
Benni reread the letter three times, going over the paragraphs that mattered to him most again and again. It felt surreal, reading Mats’ thoughts, yet he could still hear his voice with every word. It was like he was right there next to him. Except he wasn’t.
“Hello?” Benni heard Mats pick up his phone.
“Mats, I got your letter.”
“Oh.”
( sixth . he loves you, too. )
Mats drove along the woods for a long time, until he finally made the turn down to the lake. It was three in the afternoon and the sun was shining, without it being too hot. He parked his car on the side of the unpaved road, tires scrunching on the pebbles.
This was where Benni agreed to meet. It was the location of their first official date. Where they’d met after Mats’ letter and Benni’s phone call.
Mats likes to think back to that summer, when he’d finally confessed to Benni what he’d hidden for so long. After all those years of worrying and suffering, crying and laughing, and all the endless heart ache, Mats finally poured out his heart and Benny was right there with him.
“Mats!” A voice called him suddenly, pulling him back to reality. Benni had driven up and was just getting out of his car. His golden hair was blowing in the wind, making Mats smile at the young man. How much he’d grown since they’d first met.
Mats lifted his arm and waved, and Benni smiled with that ridiculously huge smile on his face, running towards him. Mats couldn’t help but smile himself. It was still like the very first day, and Mats could still feel his heart skipping faster at the sight of Benni.
Benni ran into him, knocking him back a couple of steps, and held onto Mats with all his power. “I missed you,” he whispered into Mats’ neck, placing a soft kiss on his skin.
Mats hugged him right back, although it felt like there was still too much space between them. “I missed you, too. Ten days without seeing you is far too long, babe.”
Benni’s voice still was still his favorite sound in the whole world, his touch still burned, and his presence was still radiating. But now, no pain followed. Benni loved him back, and that’s all that mattered.
“Why did you order me here, though? We could have met at home. We have a home together, you know?” Mats said, once they’d finally let go of each other. In unison they walked down the short distance to the lakeshore. It was quiet here; nobody and nothing else was around them besides some birds in the distance and the rustling of the trees.
Benni laughed. “I didn’t forget. But today is special, so I wanted to come to our special place. Where you’d told me to meet you after your letter so you could explain it all.”
“I know. I was sure you were gonna let me down kindly and all Benni-like. It was the worst hour of my life, driving up here.”
“Well, I’m glad it didn’t turn out that way,” Benni grinned, grabbing Mats’ hand. “I’m glad I could confess my crush, too.”
They smiled at each other, never letting go of their hands. For a while, this was all they needed.
“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, you know?” Benni suddenly started, his voice almost a whisper. “Meeting you was… intense and life-changing. You brought out the best in me and I’ve never felt more complete and happy as when I am with you.”
“Benni…” Mats started but Benni signaled him to wait.
“I love you with all my heart, Mats. And I’m sorry it took me so long to notice. The past few years of our relationship have been the best of my life so far. Sure, our careers were amazing and everything that’s happened there makes me really happy. But I could do without all of that. The only thing I can’t be without is you.” His voice broke a little; Mats was clearly not the only one who was touched by these words.
Benni faced Mats now, and unlike in the beginning of their friendship, now, Mats happily looked back into those beautiful brown eyes. He felt his heart skip a beat when he noticed a twinkle in Benni’s eyes. Was that mischief? Was it a tear?
He should have seen it coming, but Mats still felt like fainting when Benni slowly lowered himself. He had already started talking, when Mats realized that he was down on one knee.
“Mats Hummels, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. There shall be no day without you, and even when we are physically apart, my heart will always be with yours. Will you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me?”
Mats wasn’t sure whether his own hands or Benni’s were shaking more, but luckily he managed to pull up Benni into a kiss.
“Yes, I will. Yes, a thousand times yes!” He whispered against Benni’s lips, before they kissed again. “Jesus, Benni. You are… unbelievable. I love you so much. I feel like my heart is beating way too fast right now.”
Benni laughed and grabbed Mats’ hands. “Don’t you pass out on me now!”
“No, I’m right here,” Mats smiled. “And I always will be.”