Work Text:
Now settle down my fellow manuscriptarians.
For here in my hands, I hold quite the artifact.
In my archeological digs of an ancient site believed to have once been a theatre or a library, I came across two large stone tablets which were written in ancient i-script.
Here below is the translation of these mysterious glyphs.
HEAR YE
HEAR YE
SCRIBES OF THE ARCHIVES OF ŒWN,
FOLLOW THESE COMMANDMENTS LEST YOU FALL TO DOOM.
COMMANDMENT NUMBAHH ONE!
DO NOT EVEN THINK THE UNSPEAKABLE TABOO THAT IS EMIJ***
IN ÄLL FICS MADE! A RESTRAINING ORDER OF 5 MILES, 143 FEET, AND 6 CENTIMETERS MUST BE PLACED BETWEEN EMILIA AND HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED AT ALL TIMES LEST YE INVOKE THE WRATH OF THE RÆDERS! THE FURY OF THY FANDOM AND THE BLOODLUST OF THE BOOKMARKERS!
LEARN FROM THE MÆSTAKES OF THE FALLEN WHO HAVE FAILED TO YIELD THIS MOST ABSOLUTE COMMANDMENT.
COMMANDMENT NUMBAH TWO
TIS FORBIDDEN FOR EMILIA AND REM TO BE BETROTHED TO ANY BUT SUBARU.
NO EXCEPTIONS.
COMMANDMENT NUMBER THREE!
WHEN DOUSING THE PETROL OF RAGEBAIT UPON THE FLAMING TRASHFIRE THAT IS MODERN REZERO, ENSURE YE CAN TAKE THE HEAT!
LEARN FROM THE ERRS OF THE SCRIBE WHO TRANSCRIBED THE BLASTED TABOO OF THE LONE STAR, FOR THE DARK ARTS OF RAGEBAIT BURN THE TARGETER JUST AS MUCH AS THE TARGETTED!
COMMANDMENT NUMBAHH FORR!
DONT BE LIKE TAPPEI
DO NOT TOUCH PETRA
COMMANDMENT NUMBAHH FIVE
IF YE FINDS THOUSELF FOOLISH AND WITHOUT INSPIRATION, CREATE YE MORE REFAGGOTEN SLOP AND THEATRIC SLUDGE LEST YE COMMIT THE HORRIBLE TABOO IN THE COMMUNITY: GENUINE CREATIVITY.
COMMANDEMENT NUMBAHH SIX B.K.F.L
POST YE FICS UPON THE ARCHIVES IN THE TIMES OF CHAOS AND WRATH, FOR YE FIC WILL BE SEEN BY MORE BÆSTS AND PEOPLE THEN IN TIMES OF PLATITUDE AND PEACE! AND YE SHALL BE BLESSED WITH COMMENTS, KUDOS, AND ATTENTION,
COMMANDMENT NUMBAH SEVEN
PATRSCHE BEST GIRL. OTTO BEST GIRL
NO DELIBERATIONS PERMITTED
COMMANDMENT EIGHT
YE SHALL POST INCONSISTENTLY AND WITHOUT REGARDS TO THE TIMETOWERS AND CLOCKS, LEST YOUR FICMAKING BECOME LIKE THAT OF ANOTHER CONCEPT THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED
A J*B
COMMANDMENT NUMBAH NEIN
YE SHALL NOT SPEAK OF THE BLASTED INFERNO WHICH WRONGFULLY STOLE IT’S NAME FROM THE PEOPLE OF TEXAS!
COMMANDMENT NUMBAH TEN
FUCK FELIX
Now weary scribe, heed these warnings set in stone lest you invoke the wrath of the silent majority. Now I, the archeologist who discovered this tablet, have dutifully followed the sacriliedges, and have heard the tales of the scribe from the land of sakuran toast, and hold no strong opinions one way or the other.
Instead, ye must learn from his mistakes, lest you follow his footsteps to doom and into the mysterious tenth layer of Dante’s inferno: furious fandoms.