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The wolves are always going on and on about anchors and how they need them, how they need them to stay sane, so they don't lose themselves. But what about the humans? Humans can get lost too. Stiles knows that more than anyone. He knows he lost himself when he lost his mother. He wasn't human then, he wasn't anything then but he fixed himself up. For his father. For Scott. For himself.
He lost himself again with the nogitsune. He was so tempted for such a long time. Tempted to let go. Tempted to let it take him completely. To burn his humanity out from the inside out. He was so close to letting it.
So close.
He needed an anchor then. At first he used to think it was his father. He wasn't wrong, but he wasn't right either. He didn't know himself. Not when his mother died. Not when Scott got bitten.
Not when the nogitsune took his body and his mind.
He thought he did. It was after that he realized, when he thought things couldn't get much worse for himself. He needed to take care of himself. He needed to ground himself so firmly into the ground that not even the strongest typhoon would be able to even shake him. So he set about looking for an anchor. He thought that it would take him a long time to find it. To find himself. It turns out when you've been stripped down until nothing is left but your aching soul there isn't really that much left for you to sort through.
It's not hope. He knows that much. He knew that back when he was a nine year old boy who had just lost his mother. He knew the things he wanted most were impossible to hope for. No one can deny death.
He believes in Death he realizes. He believes in it's absolutism and it's non-negotiability. He believes in it's inevitability. He knows his father will eventually give him more reason for his belief. He himself will succumb eventually. He thinks he knew that back then when his mother died. He knows that's why he can't build himself up on his father because he cannot get his feet pulled out from under him like this again. He knows he won't be able to handle it.
He doesn't doubt it.
He needs something to hold him steady until he doesn't have to be anymore. Until death inevitably takes him with it. And so he thinks. He wonders. What is it that's really been there all the time? All his life. Something that no one can take away from him. Even if something gets inside his brain again. He needs something that has never been tampered with. He needs something pure. He knows that if there is something that has managed to stay pure inside himself for this long, (Through the nogitsune. Through his mother. Through Allison.) he knows he will able to count on it. He will be able to believe that it can hold him up, whatever life throws at him, until it doesn't throw things at him anymore.
So Stiles looks. He looks inside himself for something pure. Anything.
He thinks of his mother. But even she couldn't stay pure until the end. When her memory went and she couldn't recognize him. When she thought he was killing her. No. Not his mother.
When he finally does find it, he calls himself an idiot for taking too long (Even if it doesn't take him as long as he thought it would. Not really.) He should have known.
It's not Death if that's what you're thinking. Stiles has gone through enough in his life, he doesn't need to make it any more morbid than it already is. No, it's something deeper than that. Something he realizes that he has always had.
His belief.
He doesn't believe in God. He always found it hard to reconcile God with the images in the files his father brings home. Too much pain. Too much Death. No Stiles believes in the little things. He believes his father loves him with all his heart. He believes that the world is so much more. He believes that there is always more to learn. He believes situations can always be worse than they are. He believes that Death is the end.
Of course Stiles could always be wrong. He could believe the wrong things. Like when he believed the nogitsune was going to kill him. Like when he believed that he would have his mother with him forever. Like when he believed that werewolves were fairy tales, along with magic and evil fox spirits. His beliefs have been proved wrong before. But that's the point of belief. You can't believe the Earth orbits around the Sun because it is a fact. In belief there is always the possibility that you are wrong.
Stiles knows this. And yet he has always believed. Stiles who hates being wrong and is used to being the smartest person in the room (even if he doesn't show it). And yet...
And yet, despite the fact that there is always a chance he is wrong, Stiles believes. And Belief is pure. Belief is strong. Stiles smiles.
He can build himself up again. He can become close to whole again. He believes it with all he has and for the first time in a long while...
He hopes.