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My legs couldn’t quite decide between walking super swiftly or proceeding at a dragging pace. Considering the time, I needed to rush towards the park to meet my friends on time, but also, I was really fucking nervous about that exact same thing.
I guess technically it wasn’t my group of friends (yet?), though Darcy would yell at me for describing it that way. They had apparently been promoting me to this group of people for some time, while also trying to convince me to come out and meet them. They like to gather their queers together, that one, and had told me that there were some great people there that I’d definitely click with. And what better day to meet everyone than Pride? I was playing with my band over on a tiny stage way on the outskirts of the celebration, had a tiny lunch break during the hottest part of the day, and then intended to use that hour and 15 minutes to rush over to the park where they were all chilling after a long sweaty morning watching the parade.
I really did need to move quickly. It was going to take me forever to get back to the distant stage, especially since I had to cross the parade route to get there. Still, I found myself slowing as I approached the location pin Darcy had sent me on whatsapp, and started to realize just how much my nerves were attacking me.
I knew their friends were amazing, they never stopped talking about them. And I knew they were mostly queer and/or artsy, meaning they had different perspectives on things than the mainstream, which is my favorite kind of person. I’d even shared a bit of light banter with two or three of them in the comments on some of Darcy’s posts over the past few months. But still, the idea of meeting the entire gaggle of them all at once was a bit overwhelming. What if I made a bad first impression? What if I didn’t do a good job? What if I didn’t fit into the ‘gang,’ as it were?
I was at the edge of the park and if I squinted, I was pretty sure I could see a likely group straight ahead, on a small rise of grass about 150 yards away. So why weren’t my feet budging?
Suddenly they seemed to get a burst of energy — but when they surged to life, they started moving me in the wrong direction. Though the group was basically right in front of me, I felt carried against my will along the path to my left, down a subtle incline and straight past a low sign stuck in the ground reading “Welcome to Beta Gardens.” I didn’t spot it at all. The astute reader certainly would have.
I would have protested this weird deviation had I not instantly noticed a stage set up in the grass and become captivated. It was clearly a low-budget production, but was brought to life by a group of actors having an absolute blast, romping about in costumes that were not half-bad, particularly once you realized they had been cobbled together from all the charity shops in the area. Also, the audience, though sparse, was roaring with laughter, some standing on their feet to get a better view. What play was this even? The realization hit suddenly. Oh my god, it can’t be! Is it a gay version of Pirates of the Carribbean ?? This is amazing! Why didn’t they advertise this better?
I took a few steps closer, enough to realize the man playing Elizabeth Swann’s part was actually, in real life, totally besotted with the actor doing Will Turner. This was way too much fun to watch and I almost got sucked into the entire thing. But no, I knew I needed to face up to my fears and go and introduce myself to the waiting friend group. I turned back to the path. It looked like it might be slightly easier to continue forward on this route rather than go back, though it made a few twists and turns on the way.
I was sure I was going the right direction now, but the park was quite crowded, and I felt anxiety rising in my gut. I paused under the shade of a sprawling oak tree and took a few deep breaths. It might help me to take a look around and focus on a few details to restore my calm. Maybe notice just one person at a time instead of the whole crowd.
Or maybe two at a time was okay—my eye was caught first by an adorable pair of middle-aged women with hiking sticks. I started to feel peace filter in just watching them hitting step after step in unison; they must be best friends. Oh wait! Okay yeah, maybe I was being naive, considering this was pride. The one called Joanna (which I deduced by hearing her companion giggle her name over and over) suddenly stuck her hand into her companion “Sarah’s” back pocket and pulled her in for a kiss! Alright then, live it up, you two!
When they were far enough away I could no longer see the glee on their faces, I noticed another couple coming the opposite direction. Also queer, also clearly smitten as they held hands, also adorable. They suddenly sped up and ran by as an equally adorable dog broke away from them and they chased away after her calling, “Daisy! Get back here!”
I kept walking, now nearing a playground, and as much as I hoped the children’s chatter would fade into a soothing but unintelligible background hum, it was all too easy to pick out a little kid on the swings swearing to his brother that a hot freckled muscly man had just disappeared from right in front of them. What??
This whole plan to look at one person at a time wasn’t working overly well. The paths were still so full, and this being the day of my community’s joy, everyone was interesting to look at. It was highly enjoyable but had not helped my heart rate much. When an entire rugby team sprinted determinedly by and I heard some of them chattering about the fun times they were about to have in the showers, I knew I needed to get away from the crowds. This was not working.
I ducked off to the left down what looked like a little cul-de-sac, and found myself wandering among a food stand area. There were still people here, but maybe thanks to the weakness brought on by hunger, they weren’t as chaotic.
I first wandered by the coffee stand, unable to avoid staring at one particular person again — hardly my fault as there was a gorgeous curly-haired barista making little hearts on the top of a tray of lattes and smiling to himself, creating irresistible dimples. Adorable.
Walking by as quickly as I could, I passed a place selling only poutine fries, a vegan burger stand, and a tent full of freezers peddling some new trendy ice cream concoction. I managed to resist temptation and scoot by, but then of course I got sucked in again at the next booth, a Chilis-to-go offering bottomless chips and salsa. It was extremely tempting, and I almost joined the line, but finally I shook my head, sternly addressing myself: No, stop postponing this! Get your arse over to your community. You don’t have to be afraid of them!
I even attempted to take a shortcut at that point, suddenly resolute, but the universe was still against me. Somehow while cutting through the trees, I stumbled into a length of police crime scene tape and noticed a team of investigators picking through the grass right in front of me. At pride?? I heard one detective ask another "Aren't we supposed to be on that plane to Cleveland right now?” And I couldn’t take anymore and darted away.
I couldn’t escape the pulsing seething city all around me, though. In putting some distance between myself and the crime scene, I accidentally pressed further into the wooded area and discovered that it was not in any way empty and silent. First there were the two women examining a tree for termites, except only one was really examining the tree and the other was examining the examiner (and clearly falling head over heels for the neck tats). Then when I tried to turn away and give those two some privacy, I ran smack into an adorable couple of wlw making out under a bush.
Sorry. I’m getting worked up just recounting the details of that afternoon, but it’s sort of silly when you think about it. Why was I surprised to find some women loving women au natural during pride?? Ridiculous of me. And it’s not like it was too hard on the eyes, either.
At the time it was all a shock, and felt overwhelming as I was trying to relax and let my emotions chill out as well. I spotted a bench in a place a few meters away where the trees thinned out and headed towards it to just take a break for a moment, but then realized there were two guys sitting there complaining about their exes. Great, that’ll be a chill conversation for sure. I walked past them quickly and back out onto the path, only just overhearing one of them say “huh. This could actually make a really interesting documentary…”
I’d wandered around so much by this point that anyone watching me would have seen that I’d been almost everywhere in the park except where my group of friends sat waiting, cheerfully snacking and bonding, unaware that I was mere steps away but too nervous to approach them.
But as my feet brought me slightly closer, it seemed like I was getting a sign or two that transmitted peace and reassurance. A teenage girl sat on a nearby bench, coming out to her two dads. Another half dozen people lounged on a picnic blanket while the ‘cool’ member of the group drew stunning rainbow images on their friends’ faces, another way of transmitting pride on this day. Right beyond them, when I truly felt I was just around the corner from my people and that I was ready to plunge into this, I came across one of the far-flung zoo buildings. Again I didn’t notice the sign at ankle level proclaiming “Now Leaving Beta Gardens,” as I was far too distracted by the sight before my eyes.
It was a group of majestic elephants in a sunny outdoor enclosure.
It was a tiny bit of chaos but somehow felt right and joyful anyway.
It was the promise that all of us creatures great and small can find connection and communicate care and love.
I stood and watched a pair of what were clearly elephant besties for a while, until a caretaker approached and the hilarious but messy struggle between her and one of the magnificent beasts over the garden hose turned into a rainstorm for those of us in the viewing crowd. I laughed and turned away, shaking the droplets out of my hair as I went.
And there they were. There was my group, talking to each other with eyes sparkling, the ground around them covered with the signs of protest and hope they’d been carrying all morning, and a bevy of faces that looked up with smiles when I appeared. They actually looked…delighted. To see me . I spotted a safe space to join the circle and kneeled tentatively on the hard-packed ground. And then I was in.
The conversation continued swirling around me and the time was short before I had to run back to the afternoon’s activities, so I didn’t get to squeal over everyone that day. But I saw their faces and nodded recognition and greetings and was reminded that real community exists. And thank god my community is creative and thoughtful and caring and cracky and hilarious and daring and hopeful and wildly encouraging. And thank god you’re in it!