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Soyeon drags her tired form- and a large suitcase- through the door of her hotel room. She immediately kicks her platform shoes off, collapsing on the couch. After the ten hour flight from Incheon to Los Angeles, she’s exhausted. Soyeon’s eyelids flutter shut as she relaxes into the not-so-comfortable couch.
She lies there for a minute, attempting to regain some energy, before she remembers why she’d flown into Los Angeles at all. KCON. While i-dle would be performing later that evening, Yuqi was already at the venue, preparing for her special collaboration stage with ZB1’s Zhanghao. Soyeon sits up straight, fumbling for her phone, eager to see Yuqi performing.
Soyeon quickly pulls up the livestream, noticing that Yuqi is set to go on stage soon. Soyeon anxiously taps her nails on the small table next to the couch, anticipating Yuqi’s performance. Yuqi had not told her what she was performing with Zhanghao, insisting it be a surprise. All she knew was that Yuqi was convinced it was going to go viral and that she was very pleased of the result she had achieved with Zhanghao.
The act on stage finishes, and the lights dim. When the lights flash back on, bright, there’s two figures on stage. Soyeon’s eyes are immediately drawn to Yuqi, admiring how the usually cute Yuqi now looks sexy in her all black outfit- black vinyl shorts and her stomach exposed under a fishnet drape.
The music starts, and Soyeon can’t keep her eyes off Yuqi. She knows this song- of course she does, HyunA performed it- and by extension, the choreography too. Soyeon’s brows furrow a little, wondering if Yuqi and Zhanghao will do the original choreography.
When Yuqi looks straight into the camera, a seductive look in her eyes, Soyeon feels her cheeks warm. Yuqi’s just so beautiful, and Soyeon doesn’t know how to handle it. However, before Soyeon can become completely absorbed in thoughts of Yuqi, it happens.
Zhanghao steps up behind Yuqi, holding her hip and one of her hands. He looks down at her the same time she looks up, faces merely inches apart. Their gazes are seductive. Soyeon freezes, noticing the way Yuqi’s cheeks are slightly flushed, looking up at the man. A sharp lance of jealousy pierces through her, burning in her chest. Soyeon’s jaw clenches involuntarily, and she immediately turns off her phone, slamming it harshly on the table.
Yuqi had been talking about how fun it had been to rehearse with Zhanghao, and how she hoped she could do more performances with him in the future. Is this what she had meant? Had she been forming a special connection with him all this time? Is her Yuqi slipping away from her?
Soyeon bites her lip almost hard enough to bleed, shaking her head aggressively, as if she could shake her sinful thoughts away. She knows she is being unreasonable. She has no right to feel this way about Yuqi, knowing damn well Yuqi doesn’t reciprocate these feelings for Soyeon. Yuqi is so beautiful, charming, and social- and she has the cutest smile- why would she go for someone like Soyeon? Someone who is her complete opposite?
She wouldn’t, a voice inside Soyeon’s head whispers. Soyeon knows Yuqi is far out of her league.
Suddenly, she feels a hot trail bloom down her cheek. By instinct, Soyeon wipes at it, surprised to find it’s a tear. She laughs bitterly. Of course she’s crying. Of course a woman pathetic enough to fall in love with her group mate would also cry over a performance. More tears begin to fall, and her smile drops. Soyeon buries her head in her hands, curling up on the couch, her shoulders shaking with the effort of holding back sobs. Of course Yuqi would like Zhanghao better than Soyeon. If Soyeon were Yuqi, she would choose Zhanghao, too.
***
Even after Soyeon’s minor meltdown earlier that day, she still has to perform. Despite the dread filling her chest at the thought of having to face Yuqi after crying over her for practically no reason, Soyeon makes it to the assigned car on time, arriving at the KCON venue promptly.
Soyeon arrives at the dressing room assigned to i-dle, opening the door quietly. Her stomach sinks as she realizes Yuqi is the only one there already. Great, Soyeon thinks to herself. Now I have to face her, alone.
Soyeon forces a smile onto her face as Yuqi looks up from her phone screen. A smile immediately spreads across Yuqi’s face, as she stands up and practically skips to the door with how excited her walk is. Despite Soyeon’s internal turmoil, her mood lifts at the idea that Yuqi is so eager to see her.
“Soyeonnie!” Yuqi calls out, enveloping Soyeon in her arms the second she is able to. “I missed you, jagi!”
Soyeon’s heart swells at the term of endearment as she allows herself to be held. She closes her eyes for a second, inhaling Yuqi’s jasmine scented perfume, before Yuqi is pulling back. Soyeon can feel the warmth blooming in her cheeks, so she takes a step back, refusing to let herself slip even farther into her feelings than she already has.
“Did you see my performance with Hao earlier?” Yuqi continues eagerly. “Didn’t we do well?”
At the sound of the affectionate nickname Yuqi used for Zhanghao, any warmth that had been lingering in her body flushes out, replaced with the icy cold feeling of jealousy and sadness. Soyeon briefly thinks of her breakdown earlier, before quickly pushing the thought out of her head.
“Yes, I did!” Soyeon forces an excited tone. “You did so well!”
Yuqi smiles widely, a faint pink hue coloring her cheeks at the praise. “Thank you, Soyeonnie. I’m so glad I got the chance to perform with Hao. Honestly, he’s an amazing performer. Great dancing, great vocals… and it doesn’t hurt that he’s handsome. I mean, have you seen him?”
Soyeon nods weakly to Yuqi’s words, trying to ignore the knot in her throat twisting itself tighter and tighter at Yuqi’s praise of Zhanghao. Yuqi doesn’t praise her like that. Yuqi is still speaking, gushing about the stage, how good it was, and how much she enjoys Hao’s presence.
To her horror, Soyeon feels her eyes burn a little, the presence of tears making itself known. Soyeon blinks rapidly. No. She won’t do this. She will not cry again today, especially not in front of Yuqi.
By now, Yuqi has stopped talking. Soyeon forces a smile, still trying to blink away tears, before walking to the far end of the room, sitting down facing away from Yuqi. She pulls out her phone, opening it to some random social media app, but she doesn’t really see it. Instead, she focuses on keeping her breathing steady and preventing any tears from escaping her eyes. This is how she stays until the other members begin trickling in, bringing other conversations with them. When Soyeon finally feels in control again, she begins to prepare for their upcoming performance. God, she can’t wait for this day to be over.
***
Even on stage, Soyeon cannot escape her feelings for Yuqi. While they are still breathing hard, after just finishing their introduction and Super Lady, Yuqi and Minnie begin to interact with the crowd in english. As Soyeon’s english is not amazing, she quickly zones out, watching the way Yuqi’s lips move, then watching Yuqi’s eyes as she smiles at the crowd, then taking in Yuqi’s clothing, the way her outfit hugs her curves… Soyeon feels her cheeks warm slightly, as she realizes she had just been checking Yuqi out, on stage , for several minutes straight.
As Yuqi makes a joke, Soyeon finds herself giggling even though she doesn’t quite get it. She giggles purely because Yuqi looks so overjoyed. She’s so screwed, she realizes. Soyeon’s head over heels in love with a girl who probably doesn’t even think twice about her.
***
The performance has been completed, and Soyeon is glad. The long day has taken a toll on her, and she is ready to get back to her hotel room and crash for the night. While her members were all flying back to Incheon the next day, Soyeon would stay behind a few more days to see Shakira’s concert, meaning she had the opportunity to sleep late. And have time alone to process the sudden overwhelming feelings she is experiencing.
Before Soyeon knows it, their dressing room is empty, and all the members were ready to go. Miyeon and Minnie had already begun walking toward the cars, while Yuqi and Shuhua were standing in the corner of the dressing room laughing and pushing each other.
Soyeon curiously tried to listen to what the youngest members were talking about, but quickly realized that they were speaking Chinese, and she had no hope of understanding. Soyeon picks up her small bag, intending to leave and head toward the cars, but as she walks by Yuqi and Shuhua, she hears Shuhua mention a certain man’s name.
“你Zhanghao比小娟更喜欢吗?"
While Soyeon didn’t understand what Shuhua had said, Yuqi’s reaction said all too much. She began blushing, hitting Shuhua’s shoulder repeatedly, shaking her head viciously.
“叶舒华！小娟。你知道吧.”
Shuhua giggled at the response, suddenly turning to look at Soyeon. Soyeon doesn’t realize she has frozen in her spot until Shuhua looks over. Shuhua, noticing Soyeon looking at them already, calls out to her.
“Soyeon-eonnie! You’re still here.”
Soyeon forces a smile and nods. “Yeah, I was waiting for you guys, because Minnie-eonnie and Miyeon-eonnie already left.”
At these words, Yuqi smiles, pocketing her phone and bouncing over to Soyeon. As soon as Yuqi reaches her, she links her arm with Soyeon’s, and begins walking toward the door, ignoring Shuhua’s complaints about being left out.
As they exit the venue, heading toward the cars, Yuqi’s hand slips down her arm, the warmth and softness of her palm sending shivers down Soyeon’s spine. She clenches her jaw, willing this feeling to somehow vanish, although she knows it won’t. To make things more difficult for Soyeon’s already unrealistic mission, once Yuqi’s hand reaches her wrist, Yuqi slips her hand into Soyeon’s, intertwining their fingers.
Soyeon, surprised at the unexpected gesture, glances over at Yuqi. Yuqi, however, is not looking at her. She’s looking straight forward, a small smile on her face, but nothing else to acknowledge where her hand is. Soyeon tries, and fails, to fight the smile growing on her face.
Once they reach the cars, Yuqi is forced to let go of Soyeon’s hand to enter the car. Soyeon’s hand immediately feels cold, and she misses the contact with Yuqi immediately. As she climbs into the car, Yuqi looks up at her from the backseat, beckoning her to come sit with her. Soyeon hesitates, knowing that if she sits with Yuqi, she’ll be too tempted to initiate the skinship she craves. Even as she tells herself this, as soon as she looks into Yuqi’s sad puppy eyes, she caves, crawling next to Yuqi.
Usually, they ride in vans. However, the van assigned to them had a problem last minute, forcing Yuqi, Shuhua, and Soyeon to share a regular sized taxi. This meant that Soyeon and Yuqi, both being full-grown women, were sitting very snugly in the backseat.
As Soyeon sat down next to Yuqi, her whole left side immediately came into contact with Yuqi. She felt Yuqi’s warm thigh press against the side of hers, and felt Yuqi’s soft sweater press against her bare arm, exposed by her thin tank top. Being so close to Yuqi sent a shiver down her spine, goosebumps erupting on her arms.
As the car starts moving, Yuqi, who has been watching Soyeon as was lost in her thoughts, immediately noticed her goosebumps and begins fussing over her again.
“Jeon Soyeon! You’re cold! Where’s your jacket?”
Soyeon looks down at her fingers. “I’m not cold,” She states truthfully.
“Yah! Liar, you literally have goosebumps right now!” Yuqi exclaims a little too loudly.
“Yuqi, shut up! Flirt with Soyeon later,” Shuhua calls out from the passenger seat. Soyeon feels heat rise to her cheeks at the thought of Yuqi flirting with her, her traitorous heart pumping a little faster at the idea.
Fortunately (unfortunately), Yuqi is quick to snap Soyeon out of her reverie.
“Shuhua! Why would I flirt with Soyeon? That’s so weird!” Yuqi exclaims quickly, turning back to Soyeon. “Here, I’ll give you my sweater. I’m too hot anyway.”
Soyeon opens her mouth to protest, but then closes it again, noticing the flush on Yuqi’s cheeks. Maybe Yuqi really is too hot and just wants an excuse to take off her sweater.
Before Soyeon knows it, Yuqi’s stripped off her sweater, pulling it over Soyeon’s head. Soyeon immediately feels warmer, though she’s not sure whether it’s physically from Yuqi’s sweater or the happiness blooming inside her due to Yuqi doting on her.
The fluffy pink sweater envelopes her, several sizes too large for her. Soyeon pulls the sleeves over her hands, curling up on the car chair. She can smell Yuqi’s jasmine scented perfume- and something so uniquely Yuqi - radiating off of Yuqi’s sweater, and her heartrate picks up, a goofy smile threatening to spread itself over her face. Soyeon quickly turns her head toward the window amd bites her lip, hiding her blatantly lovestruck expression from Yuqi.
Unfortunately, her happiness doesn’t last. Yuqi begins talking again, raving about how fun KCON had been. At first, Soyeon’s fine. She’s content listening to Yuqi talk about how much she loves performing with the members. Then, Yuqi transitions into gushing about Zhanghao. Again. How much is there even to speak about him? Soyeon feels as if she’s hearing the same stories about Zhanghao and Yuqi’s experiences over and over.
Yuqi continues talking, describing in detail how they prepared for their performance, the practiced eye contact, how it was awkward at the beginning, but now they were so close…
Suddenly, Yuqi’s sweater feels less warm. Soyeon, still facing away from Yuqi, watches Yuqi’s reflection in the window. Her happy smile, shining eyes, her animated hand gestures. She’s so beautiful that despite the sharp pain in Soyeon’s chest, she can’t help but smile a little. As Yuqi continues gushing about Zhanghao, though, Soyeon’s smile fades, the realization that no matter how perfect Yuqi was, she would never be perfect for Soyeon. She’d never be Soyeon’s.
The now all-too-familiar stinging in her eyes returns, and as Soyeon shifts her eyes from Yuqi’s reflection to hers, she can see the glassy tears in her eyes, and the subtle twitch of her lip. Soyeon shuts her eyes tight, pretending that not seeing means not feeling. Not feeling the jealousy, not feeling the pain, not feeling the guilt.
Not feeling the love.
***
After what feels like an eternity, they arrive at the hotel. Soyeon opens her eyes again, slowly, and climbs out of the car. She’s still wearing Yuqi’s sweater. Soyeon clenches her fists within the too-large sleeves, willing the stabbing pain in her chest to cease.
Yuqi walks up behind Soyeon, eagerly tapping her on the shoulder, oblivious to Soyeon’s internal distress. Soyeon turns around, making eye contact with the taller girl.
“Soyeon! Can you stay the night with me? Please?” Yuqi pouts, blinking a little too quickly to be normal. Soyeon ignores the way her heart skips at the thought of spending the night with Yuqi, in her bed.
“No, I can’t. Sorry,” Soyeon replies shortly.
The frown that paints itself across Yuqi’s face is near heartbreaking.
“Please, Soyeonnie, jagi, I’m going to go back to Korea tomorrow, and you’re still gonna be here. I’m gonna miss you. Please spend time with me,” Yuqi pouts even more, trying to appeal to Soyeon.
On a normal night, this wouldn’t have been enough to convince Soyeon to give in to Yuqi. Fortunately for Yuqi and unfortunately for Soyeon, tonight is not a normal night. Soyeon’s feelings are vulnerable, exposed- and Yuqi’s words appeal perfectly to the part of Soyeon that wants Yuqi to hold her tight and never let go.
Soyeon sighs, nodding her head. It’s just one night. You’ll make it through, Soyeon tells herself. Yuqi immediately grins brightly, grabbing Soyeon’s hand and pulling her toward the elevator, which arrives quickly. They step in, and Yuqi pushes her floor number. Soyeon stares at her shoes blankly, wondering how she’s going to survive a night in bed with the girl she loves. The girl who does not love her back. The girl who spent all day gushing about another man.
The elevator dings, and Yuqi immediately steps out. Soyeon’s a step behind the whole walk to Yuqi’s room, watching the back of Yuqi’s sneakers as she walks quietly down the hall. They finally reach Yuqi’s room, and they enter.
While Soyeon’s room smells like a sterile hotel, Yuqi has somehow managed to infuse her jasmine perfume into every corner of the room. Soyeon inhales deeply without meaning to, the scent of Yuqi filling her with butterflies. Without speaking, Soyeon and Yuqi make their way to the bathroom. They had already washed off their makeup, but it was a routine to wash their faces again upon returning home.
After finishing up in the bathroom, Soyeon moves to take off Yuqi’s sweater. Yuqi, who had been watching her, calls out.
“No! Don’t take it off,” Yuqi exclaims, before blushing. “I mean, it’s cold in here. You’re going to get cold.”
Soyeon blinks confusedly at Yuqi. “Yuqi, I have to take it off to change into pajamas. My clothes aren’t clean enough to sleep in.”
Yuqi smiles sheepishly. “Right. My bad.”
She stands up, walking over to the suitcase on the floor. She pulls out a folded pair of shorts and a tank top, handing them to Soyeon.
“I promise they’re clean,” Yuqi states, arm outstretched.
Soyeon nods, taking the clothing from Yuqi’s hand and heading back to the bathroom. She changes into the clothing, noticing that it is a little chilly in Yuqi’s hotel room. Soyeon looks at herself in the mirror for a second, trying to memorize the look of Yuqi’s clothing on her. Pretends that it is as domestic as it feels to her. Pretends that she’s Yuqi’s. She stares at her reflection so long that the image is burned into her eyelids when she closes her eyes. Who knows if she will ever have the chance to look like she means something to Yuqi again?
Soyeon blinks away the tears forming in her eyes for what seems to be the millionth time that day. She really needs to get a grip. For someone who has cried in public maybe once ever, she seems to do a lot of crying by herself.
Before she can disappear further into her thoughts, she spins on her heel and exits the bathroom. While she was in there, Yuqi had changed into a T-shirt and shorts, and was now lying under the covers in the bed, scrolling on her phone. When she looks up and sees Soyeon walking toward the bed, she feels around next to her for a moment, before producing a sweatshirt for Soyeon to wear. Yuqi hands the oversized grey sweatshirt to Soyeon, and watches with an unreadable expression as Soyeon pulls it over her head.
The sweatshirt is too large on Yuqi, so on Soyeon, it’s practically a dress. It falls to mid-thigh, the sleeves easily covering her hands, fingers, and then some. Soyeon’s grateful for the warmth it provides.
Soyeon sits down on the bed, crawling under the warm covers. She curls up, the cold AC blowing on her face creating a comfortable contrast in temperature.
Soyeon turns her head to look at Yuqi, and to her surprise, Yuqi is already looking back. Yuqi has a soft smile on her face, her eyes warm. Soyeon blinks slowly, admiring Yuqi’s beauty. She’s so close to Yuqi that she could count her freckles if she wanted to.
“You’re so beautiful,” Yuqi whispers, words floating gently into the silence.
“You are too,” Soyeon responds, and before she can stop herself, she adds on, “I love you.”
Soyeon immediately stiffens up, realizing what she had just said. Yuqi, however, doesn’t flinch. Her smile grows even wider.
“I love you too, Soyeon,” Yuqi returns her declaration softly.
Soyeon’s heart skips, but it isn’t enough for her anymore. After pining for Yuqi hopelessly for years- and crying all day over a stupid performance- Soyeon needs to come clean with her feelings.
“No, I love you. I love you.” Soyeon reaches a hand out to Yuqi’s cheek, brushing a thumb over her freckles. If Soyeon’s possibly ruining their relationship right now, she may as well give herself with a taste of what she truly wants, right?
Yuqi’s cheek suddenly feels warm to the touch, and Soyeon notices with awe that she’s blushing. She made Song Yuqi blush. Hope swells in her heart, the idea that Yuqi may return her feelings making itself present in her head.
“Oh,” Yuqi says softly. “I love you too.”
Soyeon’s eyes widen. While she had hoped for this moment, she had never considered it to be an actual possibility.
“But what about Zhanghao?” Soyeon asks in shock. “He’s all you could talk about for the past few days.”
Yuqi smiles even wider than before. “Aww, is my Soyeon jealous? Don’t worry, we’re just friends. Anyway, he’s gay.”
And oh. Soyeon feels stupid. She had spent hours of her day crying over Yuqi and a man who’s just a friend. However, she pushes this feeling to the back of her mind, instead focusing on the present. The present in which Yuqi has just confessed that she returns Soyeon’s feelings. She returns Soyeon’s feelings.
Soyeon smiles so widely that it hurts her cheeks. Moving her hand from Yuqi’s cheek to the back of her head, she pulls her in, connecting their lips. When their lips connect, Yuqi reaches her hands around Soyeon, holding her, pulling her closer to her. They stay connected for a few more seconds, before Yuqi leans back, eyes shining with joy and... love.
As Soyeon looks back at her, she feels tears pooling in her eyes. Yuqi notices also, because as a tear rolls down Soyeon’s cheek, she wipes it away with the pad of her thumb.
“Don’t cry, Soyeonnie,” Yuqi says softly. “There’s nothing to be sad about.”
Soyeon blinks quickly, bringing her hand away from Yuqi’s head to wipe her eyes frantically.
“I’m not sad,” Soyeon answers truthfully. “I’m happy. So happy.”
Yuqi blinks once, before her eyes become glassy also. She doesn’t speak, but she pulls Soyeon close to her body. Soyeon reaches around Yuqi, holding her tight.
While she may have suffered because of the torture her mind inflicted on her, it was all worth it, because after all, she finally ended up holding Yuqi in the way she’s wanted for so long.
Soyeon and Yuqi fall asleep in that position, limbs tangled together, pressed against each other.
And if Soyeon wakes up in the middle of the night just to admire Yuqi, the girl she loves, who also loves her, no one would be any the wiser.