Chapter Text
Late at night in a hotel room, he stared at the ceiling...
feeling empty, and yet somehow full of emotions he couldn’t name
He was lying on the bed, frozen in place, his mind blank.
"How the hell did I end up here?" he wondered.
Feelings swirled inside him... confusing, heavy, and impossible to describe.
Suddenly
He flinched when the phone rang. Slowly, he moved to pick it up from the table. A pause... and answered.
"Wooyoung-ah, sorry if you were asleep. The schedule has changed... be ready by 6 AM."
"Okay, thanks..." he replied softly, just before the call ended.
He tried to push away all the unnamed, unknowable feelings... tried to sleep.
But sleep didn’t come.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
On set the next morning, staff buzzed around. Stylists were busy fixing makeup, adjusting outfits.
One stylist was helping with Wooyoung’s costume.
"Wooyoung-ah, hands up... yes, I need to fix this needle here. Umm You’ve lost quite a bit of weight, really. I was thinking of tightening this outfit. it’s too big now, but I’m not sure..."
She smiled and added lightly,
"But you tend to gain it back soon enough anyway."
That was it.
Her words hit a nerve. His mind spiraled.
So even now, my hard work won’t last...? I’m just going to gain it back
He couldn’t let that happen. He had to work harder. He couldn’t let himself become "ugly."
Suddenly, a warm hand touched his shoulder.
"Young-ah, I’ve been calling you. Where were you?" He looked up.
San was staring at him and beside him, Mingi and Jongho were watching too.
"Ah, I wasn’t paying attention. Sorry," Wooyoung muttered.
"It’s okay," San smiled.
"Jongho was suggesting we eat at that KB restaurant. You wouldn’t want to miss the once-in-a-lifetime chance to go there, would you?"
"I mean, it’s not like this’ll be our last tour in the NA," Mingi added with a grin, making the others laugh.
"Don’t listen to him, Young-ah," San said. "You should come with us. You haven’t gone out with us even once since we got here."
Wooyoung smiled gently.
"Sure. I’ll come."
"Perfect," Seonghwa said with a clap.
"I’m coming too!"
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
They were filming for the photo billboard.
A pose.
A click.
Another pose.
"Yes, Jongho switch places with Wooyoung. Wooyoung, come to the front. You were completely hidden behind those walls" the director said with a smile.
The others laughed.
"Even Yeosang’s shoulders are getting bigger I can see the upgraded version!"
Yunho joked. "Next Choi Shoulders San!"
Wooyoung moved to the front with a smile... but it wasn’t real.
They carried on with the shoot.
"Now we’ll do the paired photos," the director said. "I’ve already chosen the pairs, but if you want to switch, don’t hesitate."
Mingi immediately threw himself at Yunho. "Yes! That’s how pairs should be... with your best friend!"
"Wait, are you saying we’re not your best friends?" San teased.
"Ohhh, San-ah, you’re just jealous!" Mingi grinned.
"That’s my best best friend, and you didn’t get paired with yours!"
"What do you mean? That’s my best best friend too!" San said, turning to Yeosang with a wide smile.
Yeosang didn’t say anything, just awkwardly tried to escape San’s hug.
"Wasn’t it Wooyoung, though?" Mingi added, glancing at Wooyoung who stood watching quietly, his expression unreadable. Beside him, Jongho was adjusting his position for the photo.
"Aww no," San teased, his eyes flicking to Wooyoung with a mischievous grin. "My best best friend is Yeosang-ah, of course!"
Wooyoung said nothing. He just shifted his eyes toward the director, ready to continue the shoot.
There was a strange tension in the air.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
They finished the photoshoot and returned to the hotel to get ready to go out, as they had planned.
Wooyoung hesitated.
He didn’t know what was wrong.
he didn’t feel like going out at all.
But he couldn’t cancel either.
His friends were right they had been in the NA for a while, and he hadn’t gone out even once.
Besides, the concert was tomorrow. Maybe going out would help with these... strange, unnameable feelings. Some fresh air.
When they arrived at the hotel, Wooyoung simply said goodbye to the others.
San reminded them "Don’t forget, guys be ready by 2 PM!"
Everyone headed to their rooms.
Wooyoung opened his door and closed it behind him.
He leaned back against it, letting out a deep breath. Slowly, he placed a hand on his chest.
Inhale. Exhale.
"Why does everything feel so heavy?" he whispered to himself,
eyes fixed on the empty wall in front of him. Stare for a long time before pushing him to the shower...
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
"Guys, where’s San? I’ve been waiting forever," Seonghwa said, standing by the others, arms crossed as they gathered in the lobby.
"Maybe he’s still asleep?" Mingi suggested.
"What was his room code again?" Jongho asked, half-joking, already reaching for his phone.
"I’ve been calling him. He’s not picking up," Wooyoung said quietly, eyes fixed on his screen, trying once more.
Just then, San appeared jogging toward them, slightly breathless.
"Sorry, sorry! I didn’t wake up in time."
"Did you guys all take naps or something?" Mingi laughed. "Because I swear, I slept like a rock last night."
"San-ah just likes sleep. That’s all," Wooyoung said with a teasing, slightly annoyed smile.
Then he added, in a louder voice
"Let’s go already. And by the way, San-ah you look extra handsome today. Were you trying to make yourself prettier? Is that why you took so long?"
San blinked in surprise, then smiled shyly.
"Really? I look handsome?"
"That... wasn’t the point." The group burst into laughter.
Their energy was light, playful, chaotic as always. And yet Wooyoung's smile didn't quite reach his eyes.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
They piled into the van, their manager behind the wheel.
Wooyoung sat by the window in the back, chin resting on his hand, eyes wandering to the passing streets and rows of buildings. The sky outside was a perfect blue clear, warm, open.
"The sky’s so blue today," Wooyoung said softly, almost without meaning to. Without realizing
"It makes me feel... weirdly sad."
Seonghwa, seated beside him, turned with a curious smile. "Sad? I think it feels refreshing," he said.
"Look at those birds flying free like that. Doesn’t it look happy to you?"
Wooyoung flinched at the words free, happy, because they were so far from what he felt.
To him, the blue sky felt fragile. Like the kind of sky that gets washed away by sudden rain, the kind that arrives without warning and ruins everything beautiful.
And the birds... weren’t they the most vulnerable when flying free?
Freedom, he thought, always comes with a price. A painful one.
Will I ever know what it means to be free? To exist without guilt, without fear, without the weight in my chest?
The others were still talking, laughing, joking. But their voices had already faded from his world.
All that remained was silence. A silence loud with thoughts.
Wooyoung stared out the window, barely blinking.
Since when… did the world lose its meaning to me?
They had arrived at the famous KB restaurant a place people called fun, trendy, and a must-visit. But for Wooyoung, it just felt like noise. Inside, he took a seat beside Mingi
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
"Why is it that the smaller the plate is, the more delicious it tastes?" Mingi joked, poking at his neatly decorated dish with playful curiosity.
"It wasn’t like this last time either," he added, shaking his head with a grin.
"Anyway, it’s my first time trying this," Seonghwa chimed in from across the table, taking a bite. "It’s actually really good."
San, seated diagonally from Wooyoung, glanced over and frowned slightly.
"Why aren’t you eating, Young-ah?"
he asked gently, eyeing Wooyoung’s untouched plate. Mingi tilted his head, nudging Wooyoung’s shoulder lightly.
"Hey, bro are you here? You’ve been zoning out."
There was no reply. Then, as if waking from a dream, Wooyoung flinched slightly. His eyes slowly shifted toward the others.
"Oh I'm eating," he said, forcing a small smile. "I just… don’t think it’s that delicious."
"Or maybe you're dieting again, huh, hyung?" Jongho teased lightly, looking at him with raised brows.
"Seriously when does your nonstop diet end?" he added with a chuckle.
Seonghwa, soft-spoken as always, looked over with concern. "He's right, Young-ah. If this is all for dieting, maybe it’s time to stop. You’ve already reached your goal. You’re already skinny."
The table fell silent. Wooyoung said nothing. He didn’t nod. He didn’t smile. Just stared at his plate like it was something far away. Sensing the awkwardness,
Mingi tried to smooth things over. "Nah, I don’t think he skipped it because of dieting. Maybe he just didn’t like the taste."
But San could see it not just discomfort, but something deeper. So he quickly cut in.
"Yeah, anyway did you guys see that clip going viral on Twitter? The one with the CEO getting caught cheating?" he said, voice lighter than before, trying to change the subject without making it obvious.
Wooyoung always avoided these kinds of conversations. But this time, his face didn’t just show discomfort. It showed something else. Like a blanket of emotions that didn’t have a name.
"No, I haven’t seen it. Show me," Seonghwa said, leaning over to San’s phone.
The others started chatting again, laughter picking up, their energy bouncing around the table like it always did.
Wooyoung offered a faint smile and stood up from his seat. "I’ll be back in a bit. Restroom," he said.
He didn’t wait for a reply. He just walked away.
In the restroom, Wooyoung stared at himself in the mirror. His reflection looked tired. Not just in the eyes but in the way his shoulders slouched, in the way he exhaled like he was carrying something too heavy to hold. He lowered his head.
"I don’t think I fit here,"
he whispered so quiet that even he could barely hear himself. He washed his hands slowly, letting the cold water ground him.
Then, just as quietly as he left, he returned to the table. Everyone was standing up, getting ready to go
"Ohhh, there he is!" Mingi said with a teasing grin. "What were you doing in there, searching for gold?"
"Took you forever," Jongho added, nudging him lightly.
They didn’t notice the look in Wooyoung’s eyes.
I didn't felt like it was long
But San did.
As the others moved ahead, San stepped beside him and gently placed a hand on his back.
"Everything alright, Young-ah? You know you can always tell me anything, right?"
Wooyoung smiled sweet, soft, and just believable enough.
"I know, Sannie. I’m fine. Just tired. Thanks."
San didn’t push. He just nodded, quietly watching Wooyoung as they walked toward the van.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
That night ended like many others. And yet, once again,
Wooyoung found himself lying in bed, staring blankly at the ceiling.
The lights were off. The hotel was quiet. His thoughts weren’t.
An empty feeling.
Yet somehow, so full.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
Tonight was the day.
The lights. The crowd. The concert.
ATEEZ stepped onto the stage, each member sliding into position with practiced ease. Wooyoung found his spot a rhythm already pulsing through his body like second nature. This was routine.
This was muscle memory. The music hit loud, powerful, alive.
You have to push through all of it.
All the feelings.
You can do this.
He moved like fire. Every step. Every glance. Every smirk.
Perfect.
Fans screamed his name. The lights followed his movements. The smile on his face didn’t fade. But behind it all… He felt nothing. Like he wasn’t really here.
I’m here. This is real…
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
By the third song, sweat clung to his neck.
Not just from dancing from the heat. The stage felt hotter than usual. His chest rose and fell too fast. His breathing turned shallow.
He blinked, hard. Once. Twice.
Don’t mess up. Don’t show it. Smile. Keep going.
He pushed harder sharper moves, brighter energy. But inside, something was slipping.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
By the fourth song, they hit chorus formation.
Two steps left. Almost too late. Not like him.
Jongho looked over just a flicker of concern in his eyes but the moment passed
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
Final pose. Lights dimmed. The crowd exploded. They rushed offstage for a quick break.
Wooyoung dropped into a folding chair backstage, a towel over his head, head down. His water bottle sat open in his hand, but he hadn’t taken a single sip.
He could feel San’s eyes on him.
"You good?" San mouthed quietly. Wooyoung looked up, smiled faintly, and nodded. San hesitated… then gave a slow nod in return.
No one else said anything. The staff shouted cues. The show had to go on.
It always had to go on.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
Back on stage, they waved to the crowd.
Wooyoung smiled wide
the one fans loved. The one they expected. The one he had trained himself to wear like armor.
And he gave it to them. Every second of it. Even though his heart felt like it had sunk somewhere far beneath him.
Even though his lungs begged for air. Even though his body felt like it was fading. He smiled.
Because that’s what idols do.
Maybe I can pretend it all away. Just a little longer.
Some fans are seeing us live for the first time tonight.
I should make it special.
No
I have to.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ T
he concert ended.
Fireworks lit the air behind them as they took their final bows. Laughter. Hugs. Loud voices
Wooyoung bowed. He waved. He smiled. He shouted, "Thank you! We love you!" with his whole voice.
But in his mind
I hope no one noticed.
How far I pushed myself to stand
How fake I made myself be.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
Backstage again.
The members walked ahead. Wooyoung followed… but he wasn’t aware of how. His steps were heavy, almost disconnected.
How long can I keep standing like this?
"Wooyoung, are you alright?"
Am I?
A voice again. "Hey, Wooyoung—wait… are those hives?" Someone’s voice. He couldn’t tell who.
It felt like he was slipping underwater slowly but completely.
He was being touched.
Held.
Guided.
And then he was on the ground.
The coldness hit first. Then nothing.
There were voices above him distant, like echoes through water.
"I can’t… I can’t… br–eathe… I… I.."
He felt a hand press against his chest. What was happening? Everything was dark and spinning.
"...oung… you’ll be fine… hear me?" A voice. Familiar. Desperate.
Wooyoung’s vision blurred. His fingers twitched. His lips parted, but no words came out.
Will I be fine?
He wasn’t sure anymore.