Work Text:
Can the walls grow silent?
Maya stood facing the main gate of the house that had become a familiar friend for her over the course of past year. A friend who welcomed her with open arms and engulfed her in its warmth regardless of how long, or how little, she stayed there. A house nestled between what were the two most important buildings in her life - her university and her home. A house that gave shelter and security to the one whose name her beat to the rhythm of.
She stood staring at the humble house and didn't flinch away from it staring back at her.
She rung the door bell once. Twice out of courtesy more than anything else for one gentle push of the door and the house opened its arms for her the way it always did. Maya looked back the sinking sun behind her and entered the house. She closed the door behind her and took steady steps up the stairs, making sure that her gaze did not wander off towards the bike parked forlornly nearby. The blank stare of the house she could deal with; the longing look of the bike she couldn't. The simple question there required a far more complex answer that Maya was capable of giving.
Her feet didn't need her to tell them where to go. They took her to the top landing of the stairs in front of another door. Just like its sibling door downstairs this too was unlocked. A tug at its handle and it swung open towards her. The room it led to wasn't dark yet. The light of the sinking sun was still desperately clinging to the furniture to keep the room from being completely awashed in the darkness. Despite its efforts, the light was losing. It was time for the sun to go back home and it was collecting all of its rays like a Mother gathered her children in her kind embrace before tugging them in bed. Maya stood there watching the light blend into the dark. The result was all blue.
"Wali."
This house had made Maya hear many sounds in her time here. The sound of her own voice echoing was a first.
"Wali."
She called again. The echo called it back.
"Wali."
"Jee."
Wali's voice answered before the echo could repeat itself. The rhythm her heart beat to reached a crescendo at his reply. If he was answering to her by the third call, there was hope yet.
"Agar tum third ring tak meri call nahin uthaoge toh I'll assume you're too busy for me and phir main tumhein tang nahin karungi."
"Arey aapke liye toh banda poora karobar chorh den yeh kaam waam kya cheez hai?"
"Bann gaye tum successful iss attitude se."
"Aapka bann gaya yeh bhi kaafi hai."
Maya walked further in the house. Faint light of a dim bulb burning with whatever strength left within it made her a way through the dark. Wali was sitting in the corner against the wall on what used to be Boss' bed. His gaze was fixed on the yellow light glowing from the bulb. The bulb flickered and its glow fluctuated; it dimmed for a few seconds before gaining some steady light then dimmed again. Wali's gaze was fixated on the bulb like he was engrossed in a very interesting game where even a blink could make him miss an interesting play.
The state of Wali's bed in the other corner of the room told Maya that its owner hadn't slept in it for days. She took a deep breath to gather courage for what she was here to do and put the shopping bag with multiple plastic boxes of food in them on the bedside table.
"Khaana khaya hai?" She knew the answer. She asked the question anyway.
"Bhook nahin thi."
"Abhi nikal ke laun? Khaoge?"
"Aap rakh den. Main baad mein khaa lunga."
Maya knew if she went to put the boxes of food in the kitchen she'd find the previous boxes of food kept largely untouched in the refrigerator. Sameer had messaged in their group chat about how Wali was barely eating these days; even the sight of his favorite pepperoni pizza did nothing to ignite his hunger.
"Yaheen rakh rahi hoon. Saamne. Utho yahan se toh khaa lena."
Wali didn't answer.
The bulb flickered. It dimmed for a few seconds longer this time before burning again. In the silence of the room, Maya clearly heard the sound of Wali letting out an exhale.
"Kya dekh rahe ho?" She walked towards where Wali was sitting. Leaning against the same wall, Maya slid down to sit on the floor next to Wali. There was plenty of space on the mattress and Maya could've easily sat on it to be more comfortable. She chose to cold floor to respect the one who was gone and the one who was left mourning him.
"Iss stupid se lightbulb pe meri aur Boss ki bohat behes hoti thi." Wali's voice was quiet, small, a sliver of a whisper with exhaustion of his grief dripping through every syllable. "Itna kehta tha unhen isse phenk kar change karlen, har baar mujhe kuch ulta seedha sher padh ke chup karwa dete the."
The mental image of Boss quoting poetry in khalis Urdu during a normal conversation made Maya smile despite herself. The image was so vivid in her mind that for a second the room around her brightened with the colors that used to be an inhabitant of this house. Then she blinked, and it was all monochrome again.
"Yeh bulb abhi bhi yaheen hai."
Wali did not elaborate on his sentence. He didn't need to. Maya understood what he would've said if he continued the sentence.
"Boss magar chale gaye."
Silence settled between them as the two continued to gaze at the flickering of the bulb. A few minutes of gazing at the bulb made Maya realize what about it had Wali watching it with such rapt attention - the flickering resembled a lot like the coughing of a dying man.
The rhythm of her heart faltered. Maya gulped down the tears forming in her eyes before looking sideways to Wali. As the dimming of the bulb grew longer and longer in duration, panic started to fill in Wali's eyes. Maya was sitting so close to Wali that even the very faint light of the room was enough to tell her that the tears now shimmering in Wali's eyes were a result of fear more than any other emotion. She desperately reached out her hand to touch his face, forcing him to look at her. Wali resisted. He stubbornly kept his gaze fixed on the light of the bulb which was now getting weaker and weaker against the insistence of the darkness which wanted to take over. Wali's breathing became frantic with all the force he was using to continue looking at the bulb without blinking, his gaze urging the light to keep up the struggle and not give up. Maya looked at Wali's parched lips, the hollow pits under his eyes, and tall frame weakened with lack of sleep and nutrition. Matching his stubbornness with hers', she shifted in her place to exert more force on his face and didn't stop until he looked away from the light before it died out completely.
"I didn't even know his name. Can you believe it? I didn't even know his name. I lived with him and ate with him and spent nights awake with him but I didn't know his name until he was dead and gone and about to be buried underground. Apne hi janaza ki namaz mein unhon ne finally mujhe apna naam bataya. Aise kon karta hai yaar?"
Wali started ranting breathlessly when the scene in front of his changed. His voice broke down at this last question. The tears Maya was holding back slid down her cheeks. She now sat facing Wali, holding his face in her hand, caressing his cheek tenderly as silent tears continue to leave their mark on her face.
"Wali...Wali ghar chalo."
Maya sniffed back the tears and finally said what she had come here to persuade him to do. Wali spent his days either next to Boss' grave, silently watching strangers coming there to offer their prayers for the deceased, or he restricted himself to the house and kept the doors open for any person who came there to offer condolences. It hadn't been too long since Boss' demise, the soil of his grave hadn't fully dried to become earth yet, but Wali's routine had left him exhausted and looking sickly. No wonder his family back home was worried. Sameer begged him multiple times to go back with him. Aniya kept calling him throughout the day urging him to come back home. Wali responded by locking himself in the studio when Sameer came to meet and shutting off his phone when Aniya's calls became too frequent. It was Sameer who had called Maya the day before, desperately pleading her to talk to Wali and persuade him to go come back home. No one was going to hinder him from mourning his loss as he wanted to so, could he please not shut them out completely like this?
Maya didn't need to be asked twice.
"Ghar?"
Wali blinked in confusion as if Maya was speaking in some alien language that he was completely unfamiliar with.
"Ghar, Wali. Ghar chalo. Sab pareshan hain tumhare liye."
"Ghar? Ghar kahan hai?"
Maya swore she would've heard the sound of her heart breaking in a roaring crowd of thousands when she looked at Wali's face. She had never seen him look so lost before. She didn't know a young man was even capable of looking so completely clueless about a meaning of a word that was uttered by millions of people thousands of time throughout the day. The unfaltering, unshakable, stubbornly adamant to win Wali sat defeated by a four letter word in front of her. No book she ever read contained the knowledge of the correct procedure to follow when the blood in the veins turn to torment.
"Ghar kahan hai? Ghar Chicago mein hai jahan aadhi se zyada guzari umar ko 5 din mein pack kiya tha chorhte waqt? Ghar 52/2 Siddiqui House jisse chorh ke sadak pe aane mein aadha ghanta laga tha? Ghar woh khule aasman ke neeche sadak jahan raat guzari thi? Ya ghar yeh..yeh jagah. Yeh makaan jahan sadak ko chorh ke aya tha. Jahan abhi haq samajh ke saans lena shuru hi kiya tha ke haq dene wala yahan ko chorh ke zameen ke andar jaa soya. Maine toh bohat ghar banane ki koshish ki...ek bhi ghar ne mujhe nahin apnaya. Toh aap batayen..yeh ghar aakhir hai kahan?"
Wali tugged on her hand that was still holding his face. For a brief moment his eyes shone bright with defiance as he demanded answers. For a brief moment it was the same old ziddi Wali that she knew so well. The one so consumed by his own needs that he turned blind to everything else.
It was a brief moment. And it passed.
"Mujhe lagta hai meri saari zindagi yeh ghar dhoondne mein hi guzar jaegi..."
His hand covering hers slid down weakly as Wali's body started shaking. He folded into himself, covering his face with his hands, finally allowing his body to grieve his loss in the most natural way.
Wali finally allowed himself to cry.
Wali cried with no inhibitions. He cried like an newborn when he blinked and didn't find his mother near him. He cried like an infant who didn't know the language to ask for what he longed to hold. He cried like a toddler when their favorite ice cream fell on the ground before he could take a first bite from it. He cried like a child when the sudden rain confined him indoors on the day he had planned to spend the day exploring the outdoors. He cried like a teenager through his first heartbreak. He cried like a young man when his first dream shattered.
Wali cried like a man who stood on the ruins of what used to be his home.
Maya wrapped her arms around Wali's grieving self, taking in all of his tears. She felt every sob, every tremor of his body move her. With gentle strokes soothing his back and gentle kisses planted on top of his head, Maya held Wali in a silent embrace that she hoped would pull him back from the isolation that was on the brink of consuming him whole. Maya became the new shelter for her lover in the house that was becoming his cage.
Maya continued to embrace Wali long after his body stopped shaking, long after his sobs subsided. He continued to find solace in the warmth of her embrace; Maya continued to hold him until he pulled back. She used the back of her fingers to wipe the remaining traces of tears from his face. She used the other hand to gently comb his hair into place. The action reminded her of, oh, a lifetime ago when the house had first greeted her. The walls hadn't been quite as quiet as they were now.
"He was a very good man." Maya said to break the silence.
"Please," Wali sniffed. "I know aapki unnse zyada banti nahin thi."
Her fingers combing through Wali's hair stopped to give them a threatening tug instead. Wali frowned at the sudden sensation of pain. Maya found the sight of him with his red, puffy eyes glaring at her in silent complain so adorable that she reached down to pinch his cheek not-so-gently and then kiss the spot before he could complain. She settled next to him, pulling him gently to make him rest his back against the wall beside her. The two of them sat, shoulder to shoulder, with Wali still on the mattress Boss used to sleep on and Maya still on the floor. The wall behind their back holding her firm for what Maya had a feeling was going to be the last time.
"He loved you and cared for you very much. That made him a good man in my eyes. Main unhen yeh batati nahin thi kyunke main nahin chahti thi woh tumhein zyada tease karen."
Despite Maya keeping her tone light and playful, Wali's lower lip quivered at these words. This time Maya didn't make any move to hold him again. She knew Wali would steady himself. He had to.
"Maine bhi unhen nahin bataya tha. Kaash bata deta. Lekin tab I was too embarrassed to say anything. Kya museebat hai!" Wali dug the palms of his hands roughly on his eyes and rubbed away the tears before they could fall again.
"Kya batate? Mujhe bata do." Maya gently shoved Wali's shoulder with hers. "I'll be the keeper of all your embarrassing secrets."
Wali rested his head against the wall and looked at the now darkened bulb. It had run out of its light for a while now. The now owner-less room would've been completely dark if not for the light of the studio creeping in through the slits of the not properly closed door.
"Main bata deta unhen ke mere liye woh...woh mere ustaad hain, mere bade bhai hain aur...aur ek number ke sardard hain!"
Maya snickered and then chuckled at the unexpectedness of Wali's remark. She looked at him, torn between wanting to admonish him for disrespecting the dead like this and joining him to expand the joke. Sadness still clung to the pores on Wali's face but the small smile on his lips as he watched her laugh reminded him of the boy she had met dragging his cousin's bike outside Frere Hall.
"Main unhen batata ke," Wali reached out his hand to hold Maya's, entwining their fingers, "ke mujhe unn mein woh Baap nazar aate hain jo mujhe arsa hua Abba mein dikhna band hogaye the."
Wali confession was just a whisper. His kept looking at his fingers that he had entwined with Maya's. She gave his hand a small squeeze. Just a small gesture of assurance, for now and for always. That every piece of vulnerability he has is safe with her. For now and for always.
"Unnki har daant, unnka har lesson, unnka har challenge, unnke lectures, unnki philosophy, unnki moti moti shayari, unnki cryptic baatein...mujhe woh sab pasand tha. Main chirhta tha, annoy hota tha, kabhi kabhi dil chahta tha ke yeh sab chorh ke dobara kahin bhaag jaun mujhe unnpe kabhi itna gusa aata tha lekin phir woh kuch chota mota aisa keh dete the ke main ruk jaata tha. Ek...kami thi meri, ek zaroorat thi jo sirf woh hi poori kar rahe the. Pata nahin kitne saalon ki kami thi ke yeh jaante hue bhi ke main unki expectations pe poora nahin utar raha, ke main unhen disappoint kiye jaraha hoon, ke main waisa nahin bann raha jaisa woh mujhe dekhna chahte hain...main phir bhi zidd karke yaheen raha. Maine Abba ka ghar issi liye toh chorha tha na ke I was tired of living a life that was spent to fulfill his expectations. Toh Boss mein aisa kya tha ke for him, I was ready to push myself to any limits he wanted me to be at?"
"Ek raat he says to me, 'Chalo Wali aaj Ghazi Sarkar ke mehmaan bante hain!' and he took me to the very place jahan woh mujhe pehli baar mile the. I was tired, I had had a long day in the studio. Main sirf sona chahta tha. Par woh nahin maane. Apne saath le gaye and kisi ajeeb si road side mehfil mein bitha diya. Main chirta raha, woh hanste rahe. Apne doston ke saath ajeeb philosophy ki baatein karrahe the jo frankly sab mere sar ke upar se guzar rahi thi. Phir waheen koi shaks koi kalaam padhne lage and I don't know how but I could not keep my eyes open for a second. Mujhe waheen neend agayi. I don't think I even slept for long. Kyunke jab meri aankh khuli toh wohi same kalaam padha jaraha tha. Farq sirf yeh tha ke sone se pehle main betha hua tha lekin jab ankh khuli toh I found myself using Boss' leg as a pillow. Woh ahista ahista se mere baal sehla rahe the aur uss kalaam ke words repeat karrahe the. I doubt he even realized ke main jaag gaya hoon. But laying there mujhe realize hua woh kya cheez thi jo mujhe unnse durr nahin jaane de rahi thi - apnaiat."
Wali seemed to be absent-mindedly drawing circles with his thumb on Maya's hand, perhaps trying to mirror how Boss had once gently caressed his head to lull him to sleep. His eyes still shimmered with tears but the small smile on his face was that of reminiscing. For the first time that night, the tears were not shed in the grief of the one who had passed away - but in the honor of him.
"Aap kehti hain ghar chalo. Woh apni zaat mein khud ek ghar the. Mera ghar dafn hua hai Maya...main ab kis ghar jaun?"
The raw anguish of his words pierced through Maya's limbs like arrows. She longed to give him an answer that would soothe him immediately, that would put all of his worries to rest. But the field of study that Maya had been relentlessly pursuing ever since she was young enough to be aware of the concept of wanting something taught the primary law of the absolute superiority of time - all wounds, big or small, can only be healed at their designated time. One cannot outrun time. One cannot bend time to their will. Recovery demands patience and to submit to the will of time.
"Tum ne sahi kaha. Ghar apnaiat se banta hai, apnaiat apno se aati hai aur Wali...tumhare apne abhi bhi tumhara intezaar karrahe hain. Agar jaane wala apni zaat mein khud ek ghar tha toh tum bhi toh tumhare apno ke liye ghar hi ho. Agar tum apna ghar dhund rahe ho toh woh bhi toh apne ghar ke intezaar mein bethe hain. Tum be-ghar hone ka gham jaante ho. Aur tum aise ho hi nahin jo kisi dusre ko woh dukh do jiski takleef tum jaante ho."
Maya rested her head on Wali's shoulder with a sigh after she said that. That was all she could say. That was all she would say. She had never made the choice for Wali, and she never would. She had enough faith in him that at the end of the day, he will make the right choice. And whatever it was, she would be there for him through it all.
The walls of the house, that used to be a home, looked on as Maya sat holding Wali's hand patiently waiting for him to reach a decision. The walls of the house, that used to be a home, which had quietened in mourning when their owner had left this temporary abode made of bricks and cement to embrace the permanent abode deep within the earth broke their silence and sighed in relief when Wali got up from the corner and stretched his aching, inactive limbs. The walls of the house, that used to be a home, saw for the last time Wali offering Maya his hand and helping her stand up beside him.
"Der hogayi hai. Chalen main aapko aapke ghar chorh dun."
Maya looked at the time on her watch and shrieked in panic. It really was late. Oh, Ammi was going to kill her! She almost said it out loud but caught herself at the very last second. Too soon for that. The walls of the house, that used to be a home, chuckled.
"Haan. Haan! Chalo chalo. Der hogayi hai!" Maya took the lead to step outside the room. She stopped after taking two steps.
"Tumne toh khana khaya hi nahin! Pade pade hi thanda hogaya!" Maya sadly looked at the packets of packed food left untouched by either of them. If she wasn't running perilously late she would've quickly heat up some food and made sure he had some bites before they stepped out of the house. But no, it was late. She knew he could survive for some time without food. She, however, would not survive if she wasted a minute more.
"Koi baat nahin baad mein jaake kha lunga." Wali shook his head. He reached her side in one big stride and held her hand gently pulling him with her away from the room.
"Baad mein kahan?" Maya questioned as Wali pretty much dragged her through the dark of the main sitting room and towards the exit.
"Baad mein ghar jaake kha lunga." Wali let go of Maya's hand to firmly lock the door behind them. Maya breathed a sigh of relief at his words and ran down the stairs. She stood at the main gate waiting for Wali to finish his descent down the stairs. Maya gave one last look at the walls of the house, that used to be a home, and bid them a silent goodbye. With Wali by her side, Maya walked out of the house the urgency to reach her home as soon as possible making her practically run towards a nearby rickshaw.
The house behind them, just a house, watched them disappear in the distance sending a final prayer their way that the walls of the house they'd make their home eventually would never go silent with the unceremonious departures of the ones that make it come alive.