Work Text:
Jackbam. Jackbam. Jackbam. That’s all what Marks hears lately, unable to stop the grimace that comes to his face as he scrolls down his different SNS accounts and seeing the posts and comments some of the fans leave.
At the moment, he’s all alone in their room while Jackson is probably out eating with BamBam, enjoying their time together. Again. How many times has it been in the last couple of months? The oldest member in GOT7 lost count long ago, at the same time the separation and rejection he started to feel became evident.
It used to be Markson or never but it suddenly became Jackbam and now they even have hoodies with that written on the back.
Seriously? Was that actually necessary?
Do they need to go together everywhere?
Does Jackson need to leave him behind like this?
Despite the dorm being always crowded with someone else, Mark can’t help feeling lonely when Jackson isn’t around, like something is missing and he feels the absence in his very soul. They’ve spent so many years together and they used to be always next to each other, sharing rooms, always interacting out and in front of the cameras. And when that changed he immediately felt the difference. And it hurt.
But it’s not that Jackson has only grown distant, it’s that he’s grown incredibly close with the other members.
Was Mark wrong to think their friendship was different? Despite being both so different from each other, there was something between them, a bond that Mark couldn’t explain but he always felt. Like they just… clicked.
But now Jackson acts the same way he did with Mark but with BamBam, even closer. They never got, on their own accord, matching couple items or anything like that, despite how much fans loved the Markson ship.
Seeing more of the pictures and videos from their time in Thailand doesn’t help Mark to feel any better, the jealousy that’s been brewing for so long already only making him feel sick. And it’s terrible because he can’t say anything. He isn’t a kid, for crying out loud. He’s the oldest and how pathetic would it be if he just complained out loud because he felt left out and jealous that Jackson was now spending more time with BamBam?
And that would make anyone ask him why he was jealous, and he couldn’t answer that question. He always stopped himself before going there.
So now he lies in bed, all alone in their room while Jackson spends more time with BamBam. At least he does that until Jinyoung knocks at the door before entering. “We’re going to have dinner. Are you joining us or waiting for Jackson and BamBam?”
“I’m not hungry,” Mark answers, even if he doesn’t want to wait for the other two members and feeling like he’s third wheeling. When that happens Mark always wants to scream and cry at the same time, hating the uncomfortable feeling and how out of place he is.
“You didn’t have lunch either, and we’re worried. You never skip meals. Is anything wrong?” the designated dorm mum asks, going to sit beside him on the mattress he’s lying on.
“I’m fine, just tired. I think I’ll go to bed early, that’s all,” Mark replies, turning over his side, facing the wall and giving his back to Jinyoung, but he feels the hand of the younger on his shoulder.
“You don’t look okay, Mark. I know you don’t talk much, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have anything to say. You can talk to me and no one else will know,” Jinyoung promises and Mark sighs, knowing he can trust Jinyoung, but in all honesty, he’s not ready to talk about it yet.
Or ever.
“I know. I’m really just tired,” Mark continues. It’s not a lie, but it’s not the truth either.
“Okay. If you change your mind, we’ll be waiting.”
Mark only nods his head and feels the moment Jinyoung stands up and leaves the room. Mark is alone once again, purposely avoiding his phone so he won’t see more pictures of Jackson and BamBam while he lies miserably in bed. It makes him feel so pathetic he can’t even stomach it. He really wants to fall asleep so he’s not awake when Jackson is supposed to be back, also fearing he might go and sleep, again, with BamBam and leave him all alone in the room. But he doesn’t want to be awake in case Jackson does come to their room and wants to talk to him. His emotions are too raw and Mark isn’t that good of an actor, he can’t hide his feelings from Jackson, who knows him so well.
Wanting to fall asleep is one thing, actually falling asleep a very different one so no matter how much he tries, he can’t do the latter. He just lies there, thinking, going over all the times Jackson openly showed his affection, making him all flustered, surprising him, making his heart race. All those times Jackson secretly held his hand, or those little touches that were so insignificant but now that he looks back, they mean so much to him.
He can’t help comparing it to they way Jackson is with BamBam. Given, it’s different, their relationship being more like bros than anything else, but Mark can’t be bothered by how much time they spend together and how lonely he feels, without Jackson.
His Jackson.
At least it felt like that before, like Jackson and Mark had something unique, like a separate world where only the two of them existed. But that bubble burst and Jackson moved on, while Mark is left longing for what once was and looks impossible to get back.
Mark is still awake when the door opens again, hours later, without a knock which only means Jackson is back. Almost all in him screams to turn around and greet the boy, after all he’s missed him so much, but Mark doesn’t move and pretends to be asleep, just because.
“Mark?” Jackson calls in a whisper, the older boy can feel the footsteps approaching. “Are you really asleep?”
Mark doesn’t reply, he stays there with his eyes still very closed and trying to keep his breathing even. He can, however, hear Jackson’s sigh and the fumble of clothes being removed. He still doesn’t move, hoping Jackson will either go to bed or get out because Mark is just so not funny and he doesn’t want to hang out around him. What’s the difference when Mark is awake or asleep? He’s still not funny, as the fans kept saying, as it showed on every broadcast they did. Mark just can’t entertain people on his own, especially not Jackson. It’s always Jackson the one bringing joy and laughter to everyone, making Mark look like a funny person when he’s not. When all he does is bore people and make them want to find someone who can actually keep them company.
How can Mark be even hurt that Jackson spends so much time with BamBam when the younger is funny and quirky and makes Jackson laugh so much, while Mark is like a wall who’s always eating and makes him feel bad and more insecure about himself?
However, Mark isn’t expecting Jackson to sit on his mattress and run his fingers through his hair, softly, light as a feather.
“How can you be sleeping the night I come back? You should’ve been awake and waiting for me,” Jackson whispers, making Mark’s heart skip a beat as his fingers continue playing with the older boy’s hair. “I guess you didn’t miss me at all.”
Mark doesn’t move, not even when Jackson’s hand raises and breaks the contact, not even when Jackson stands up and walks out of the room. Only when the door closes, Mark releases the breath he’s been holding at the same time his heart starts beating so wildly. Slowly, he turns around but as expected, the room is empty again as if Jackson was never there, except his suitcase is back in the room, his jacket thrown over his mattress. Just a sign he’s back. But the strongest evidence is the lingering feeling of his fingers in Mark’s hair, such a tender gesture touching him in a way he hasn’t done in so long.
It feels like he should’ve said something, told Jackson he was awake and that he’s missed him so much. But those are things he didn’t do and can’t change. Like they way he feels for his best friend.
Mark doesn’t fall asleep, all night watching the door and waiting for it to open but that never happens. Jackson never comes back to their room and Mark tries to tell himself that he isn’t hurt, he isn’t madly jealous thinking his room mate went to sleep to someone else’s bed instead of his perfect and available one.
Jackson probably slept with BamBam.
The lack of sleep and jealousy make him cranky when the alarm goes off, telling him it’s time to start the new day even if the only thing in his schedule is to practise for their upcoming comeback. He surely looks like shit but he couldn’t care less as he picks his clothes and heads to the shower, wanting to go quickly to JYPE and start practising, so he can tire himself out and forget all about his stupid jealousy.
Not that he will succeed at that but he should get brownie points for trying.
Mark doesn’t expect that once he’s ready, the only two people having breakfast are Jackson and BamBam.
“Good morning,” BamBam greets most cheerfully while Mark freezes on his spot, his eyes fixed on Jackson who only gives him a tight smile that it’s both cute but also incredibly cold. “Are you having breakfast?” the younger boy asks but Mark can’t stop staring at Jackson, even when the rapper is back focusing on his own breakfast.
“Ani,” Mark replies. “I’m not hungry,” he lies because he just doesn’t want to sit there. It would probably give him indigestion.
“Jinyoung-ie said you have been skipping meals,” Jackson comments then, not looking up but not eating either, just frozen there. “Are you sick or what?”
“I’m just not hungry,” Mark insists, finally looking away. To be honest, just thinking of sitting between Jackbam makes him lose his appetite.
“Bullshit,” Jackson snaps, eyes focusing and almost glaring at Mark. “There’s something wrong and if you’re sick, you should say so! We’re having our comeback soon and you need to look after yourself before that. You don’t want to collapse on stage, do you?”
Mark takes a sharp intake of air, once again focusing on Jackson who looks positively angry. They haven’t seen each other for like what, a week? They haven’t talked in probably longer, but now he’s yelling at Mark?
“Why are you acting like you care now?” Mark snaps back, the lack of sleep causing all his filers and better judgment to shut down and just leave him with his humiliating feelings. “You just leave for days, you don’t talk to me for even longer. You don’t even come to sleep to our room anymore! Don’t act like you care now and just have fun with BamBam!”
Mark hasn’t felt that angry in a long time, and a part of him knows he’s exaggerating and should apologise and just excuse himself somehow, but he doesn’t and instead just storms out of the dorm, leaving Jackson and BamBam aghast while he just decides to go to JYPE on his own and before anyone else.
Once there, he stretches and pushes himself to the limit because that pain actually helps a bit to shut down the voices in his head and the ache in his heart. He then plays the music and starts practising the choreography, going over and over those moves he hasn’t mastered yet, the ones that give him trouble. He doesn’t think of anything else but perfecting the routine, because that’s all he can actually focus on now. If he starts thinking of what he did this morning he’ll bang his head against the mirrors for being a gigantic moron.
But then the others come and pull him out of his concentrated state, making him aware of Jackson in the room again. He tries his best at avoiding eye contact and even being close aside from when the choreography points it out.
Of course, everyone notices something is off with Mark. He hasn’t eaten in twenty-four hours, hasn’t slept in more than thirty hours so he is fed up with the whole world and beyond exhausted. He could drop dead right now but at the same time he knows that if he stops moving, if he even dares to lie down he’ll just be tormented with thoughts and stupid useless feelings and won’t be able to get a blink of sleep. Just like he can’t even fathom the idea of eating anything despite being hungry, the mere thought makes him feel sick so he excuses himself when everyone takes a break to have lunch and just disappears.
Trainees fill the halls and rehearsing rooms, so it’s hard to find a concealed spot where he can’t hide and avoid the world. Avoid Jackson because he doesn’t even know how he’ll react.
Honestly, Mark needs to pull himself together. He can’t just avoid Jackson because he has no control over his feelings. And for that he needs proper sleep and some fresh air, so he heads to the rooftop of JYPE hoping no one else will be around.
At least that goes his way.
There’s no one else around so he can lie on one of the benches and let the sun kiss his skin. When he used to live in California his skin was very tanned because he was so exposed to the sun, and since he came to Korea he’s always careful to protect himself from the sun, his skin becoming just so pale.
He can’t help missing home, where the breeze was always nice and warm, where the smell of the beach was what he always breathed and he didn’t have conflictive feelings for his best friend and band mate. Where he wasn’t jealous of his other band mates.
When had Mark become so childish?
“So here is where you were,” a voice mumbles, startling Mark and making him jerk on the surface, immediately sitting straight and looking for the new person at the rooftop.
Of course it’s Jackson, Marks knows it before his eyes even find the other rapper.
“Are we ready to rehearse?” Mark asks, looking away to avoid Jackson’s eyes.
“No. We all agreed that until you sort out whatever is wrong and go back to normal, we can’t rehearse. You can’t continue skipping meals and looking like you’r about to break down.”
Mark turns around, his back to Jackson, pulling his knees up and hugging his legs in such a vulnerable and solitary pose.
“We’re all worried about you, Mark,” Jackson continues but Mark doesn’t move, doesn’t budge. “I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine,” Mark lies, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths, trying to calm down and not pay attention to the suffocating feeling in his chest.
“You can’t even meet my eyes and you’re telling me you’re fine? Why are you lying?”
“I’m fine!” Mark snaps again, hating feeling cornered like that.
Why can’t they just leave him alone? Why is he alway pushed to talk? To be something he is not? He’s working harder, he’s not even making mistakes, then why are they complaining? Why can’t they just leave him be and worry about themselves first?
“You’re not!”
“I am!” Mark turns to glare at Jackson. “Stop nagging me! Go back there and keep ignoring me like you’ve done before. I’m fine, I just want to be alone!”
“Ignoring you?!” Jackson retorts, doing the opposite of what Mark asked him to do and taking a step closer. “Me? It’s you the one who’s been ignoring me! Every time I walk in the room you turn around. You leave when I’m there. You don’t even want to talk to me!”
“Like that makes a difference at all!” Mark exclaims, throwing his arms in the air. “It’s not like you’re gonna miss me or anything, you’re too busy hanging out with BamBam anyway.”
“What does BamBam have to do with all this?!” Jackson shouts, his expression so tense and confused, forehead creased with anger and frustration, and Mark is struck with guilt. This is his doing.
“Nothing, he has nothing to do with it,” Mark mumbles, deflating and falling back to where he was sitting, his shoulders rounding and casted down gaze. “I’m just tired, forget it.”
“No, I can’t forget it. It’s the second time you bring it up today. What’s wrong?”
Mark closes his eyes and takes another deep breath, his head spinning with a confession he doesn’t want to make, saying he’s just felt so left out for the last couple of weeks, jealous that BamBam seems to get all of Jackson’s attention and time. But he can’t say it, not when his bottom lip trembles with the overwhelming sadness he’s feeling.
“Mark, talk to me,” Jackson pleads, sitting across from him, his hands on Mark’s thighs and the older boy can feel his palms burning him through the sweatpants.
Mark has to press his lips tightly together because the words want to escape him, he can almost taste them but he’s not ready for such humiliation.
“Please?” the younger boy insists, trying to catch Mark’s eyes but the older rapper has them still closed and is doing his best to stay silent.
Never has something proved so hard to do as keeping his mouth shut in that moment.
“I just… I’m lonely,” against his better judgement, Mark blurts out. “You just spend all your free time with BamBam and I barely see you. You’re either busy with some variety show or with BamBam. I came back to the room after the bugs incident and then you left and never came back. You go to Thailand with BamBam. You go eat meat with BamBam. You get couple jackets with BamBam with the stupid Jackbam behind and show it to everyone. You get home late and instead of going to your bed, you go back to BamBam. It’s always BamBam now and I… I…”
Mark can’t finish that and say just how much he misses Jackson every day, how much he craves being close like before. There’s still a bit of self preservation in him.
“Are you… are you actually jealous?” Jackson asks, his voice incredulous and when Mark looks up, scandalised, he can actually see the surprise in Jackson’s expression and even an amused grin.
Oh, marvellous. Now he’ll laugh at Mark.
“You know what? Forget it. Forget I ever said anything and let’s go back to practice,” Mark requests, springing up and heading back to the stairs and to the rehearsal room, but he doesn’t get much far ahead when a hand wraps around his wrist.
“No, you can’t ask me to forget what you’ve just said,” the Chinese boy states, also standing up but not releasing Mark’s wrist, keeping him in place. “You just showed how jealous you are, wearing such a heartbroken expression as if you were actually hurting. And you tell me to forget about it?”
“Yes,” Mark insists, feeling a blush coming to his cheeks. “Because it’s humiliating and it’ll ruin everything. Forget about it, please.”
“I can’t,” Jackson insists and Mark thinks he’s just purposely torturing him, which is just cruel.
“Look, it doesn’t matter, really. Do you want to change rooms? Fine. Do it. But you’ll have to persuade Yugyeom to switch, although I doubt he’ll want to share with me, or anyone else. But perhaps you can convince him and share with BamBam instead,” Mark offers, trying to deviate the attention while not changing the topic so drastically.
“I don’t want to,” Jackson protests. “I don’t want to share rooms with BamBam. Do you know how annoying it is waiting for him to get ready? He takes forever,” Jackson complaints, making Mark chuckle ever so lightly. “But overall, I don’t want to stop sharing room with you.”
“But you don’t even like sleeping there anymore,” Mark whines, hating himself for doing so but not able to stop himself.
“Who said that?” Jackson inquires, catching his eyes and making Mark unable to look anywhere but back at him. “It’s just a bit hard because you’re there so close and I want to crawl to your bed but I can’t. It’s just hard to fall asleep.”
Mark’s heart skips a beat when he hears that, even if it’s said in such casual way, but he can also see in Jackson the strain of controlling his expression, how much it takes to make it sound casual when he looks as flustered as the older feels.
“Did you miss me when I was away?” Jackson asks then, steeping a bit closer, the hand around Mark’s wrist grabbing him tighter, rubbing his thumb over his sensitive skin, making goosebumps to break out.
“Every day,” Mark confesses in a whisper, breathing sharp and shaky.
“That’s such a relief, because I missed you a lot, too. I was actually hurt that when I got back you were sleeping,” Jackson comments then, taking another step closer. He’s in laced up boots, probably with heel lifters because they are at the same eye level and it’s so unsettling to have him so close after so long.
“I was awake,” Mark comments. He’s already spilled most of it, why stopping now? The harm is done. “I couldn’t sleep. In fact I didn’t sleep at all last night, waiting you’d come back to the room.”
“Why did you pretend to be sleeping then?” Jackson asks, so close but at the same time so far away, it’s like the ten centimetres between them are then metres instead.
“I don’t know.” Jackson sighs and wets his lips with his tongue, Mark can’t help following the movement with his eyes, becoming transfixed with the action. “Gaga,” Mark whispers then, finally looking Jackson back in the eyes. “What did I do to drive you away?”
“Nothing,” the older boy replies. “I just wanted you to miss me, too. I was hoping you’d miss me if I wasn’t around you all the time.”
“It hurt,” Mark comments, his voice barely louder than a whisper.
“I’m sorry,” Jackson apologises, stepping closer, pressing his forehead against Mark’s, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths. “I was just tired of waiting for you to realise your own feelings.”
“Did you already know?”
Mark hasn’t said it, but they don’t need to say many things to understand each other. It’s just how it is.
“Of course,” Jackson replies. “You’re just slow to catch up.”
Instead of being offended, Mark chuckles at that and just how afraid he was that his feelings were obvious, that Jackson would know how he felt for him and make him walk even farther from him. A part of him feared that was exactly why he was so distant, because he was grossed out with Mark’s feelings.
But Jackson already knew, he had just been waiting.
Mark finally moves, his hand raising until it’s on Jacksons neck, his thumb behind the ear and applying a gentle pressure while holding him in place. They’ve been like this before, this close, but it’s been for the cameras and they couldn’t do more than tease the audience. No one is watching them now, and because of that Mark dares to close the distance between him and the Chinese boy, finally pressing his lips against the other boy’s in a hesitant kiss that’s both fearful and hopeful.
Jackson responds most eagerly, pressing himself against Mark, an arm around his waist, keeping him close while the other hand slides from his wrist and tangles his fingers with Mark’s as the older tilts his head just slightly for a better angle.
Oh, so this is what it feels to kiss his best friend, whom he’s been in love for so long but has been repressing his feelings for all along. It feels perfect, exhilarating, exciting, soothing, warm and beautiful.
“Don’t be jealous again,” Jackson asks when they break the kiss but still stay so close. “No matter what, there’s only one guy I want to kiss and that’s you.”
“Then kiss me again,” Mark requests and Jackson is only happy to oblige.
At night Mark’s dead on his feet and wants to sleep for three days straight, but he can’t fall asleep. His heart is still racing after what happened with Jackson and how hard it was having to pull away from him when they had to rehearse. Or when they were with more people around, not wanting to make anyone uncomfortable. And now he’s on the other bed, asleep after wishing him goodnight—not without a kiss—and turning off the light, while Mark lies asleep.
Or he does until he feels the ruffle of sheets and then footsteps. Next thing he knows, there’s a new body sneaking in the bed with him, a strong arm wrapping around his waist, drawing him close to a hard and broad chest. Mark tenses but immediately relaxes at the familiarity of Jackson next to him.
“You really need to sleep,” Jackson mumbles, snuggling closer, brushing his nose against the skin of his exposed back, between his shoulder blades.
“It’s just difficult,” Mark whispers, his hand resting on top of Jackson’s. “I thought you were asleep.”
“Hmmm, I kinda am, but I wanted to crawl here because you’re just so close,” Jackson comments, hugging him just a bit tighter. “Now let’s sleep, shall we?”
Mark can’t help his smile and the warm feeling that spreads from his neck to his toes, making him relax even more. His eyelids are so heavy and his heart is beating hard but steady. He takes a deep breath, enjoying the familiar scene of Jackson near him and slowly drifting into unconsciousness, assured that Jackson will stay there. Only that succeeds at lulling him to sleep and Mark just hopes they can stay like that forever.