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Mats had felt it the minute he’d stepped out of the plane at LAX. This loathsome feeling had crept over him and lingered there like a cloak of disgust and betrayal. Why the hell had he come back again?
“I for one am glad that you came,” Marco’s voice brought Mats back, as if he could read minds.
With crossed arms Marco was standing in the doorway of his own pool house; the one he was gracious enough to let Mats stay in during his visit. He looked at him with a sympathetic smile and Mats could only imagine how pathetic he looked, sitting on the bed, lost in thoughts.
“LA isn’t all that bad, you know?” Marco said optimistically and Mats let out a little huff. “I know you’ve got a lot of bad memories here, obviously, but don’t let it ruin your trip. It’s been almost three years.”
Three years. Three years since he’d last been in Los Angeles. Three years since his honeymoon along the coast of California.
Three years since his divorce.
“Promise you’ll have fun. Okay, Mats?”
Mats nodded and with a short good night, Marco left and closed the door behind him. For a while Mats didn’t move; he just sat on his bed, overwhelmed with being back here, going on too many hours without sleep and a general uneasiness.
Marco had been right, of course. It wasn’t the place that was bad. It was the memories. As Mats took of his clothes and changed into a more comfortable t-shirt, he tried not to think of Benedikt, but to no avail. Even the stupid way they arranged the bed sheets in this country reminded him of when they would slip into their bed together, giggling and being hopelessly in love with each other.
“Can’t even go to fucking bed in peace…” he mumbled annoyed and pulled the covers over his head. With the lights out and no sound, he finally felt safe.
Back in Germany he’d eventually reached a better place. No more sulking, no more heartache. He’d moved on with his life, once the divorce had been finalized. But back here, it was a different story. In Germany, he was Mats Hummels. But here, he’d only ever been Mats Höwedes. The painful memory was unbearable.
“Jesus, Mats, pull yourself together,” he whispered, barely audible. He felt as if his pillow was wet, although it had been months since he’d last cried himself to sleep. He threw the cover off his bed and sat back up again. Clearly he couldn’t sleep, no matter how tired he was.
He walked around the room in the dark; the only source of light was somewhere outside. It was enough to be able to navigate around without hitting anything and even rummaging around in his bag for the bottle of water he’d bought at the airport earlier.
“Oh my god, is he serious,” Mats exhaled all of a sudden. His eyes were fixated on some photographs Marco had arranged in a display next to the bathroom door. How had he not seen it before? But then again, he hadn’t noticed anything when he’d first walked in except for the bed, on which he’d promptly collapsed.
Most photos were of Marco surrounded by his friends, but one of them didn’t have Marco in it. Mats recognized it immediately: it was his wedding invitation. Marco must have put it up there as some sort of keepsake.
For a while Mats just stared at Benedikt in the photo. He was staring right back at him, with his stupid smile. Mats rolled his eyes, took out the photo and shoved it in backwards. There. Now nobody had to look at it anymore. Maybe that’s why he couldn’t sleep.
He walked back to the window overlooking the beautiful pool. He was a fool to have thought he could ignore his past, coming back here. Of course he would see Benedikt everywhere. Quite literally, in a photo even.
“And now you fall asleep with another,” Mats whispered and took another sip out of his bottle. “Damn you.”
“Come on, Mats! Faster!” Benni yelled at him, laughing. “You’re too slow!”
Benni was running ahead of him, pushing his feet down in the sand, with one arm stretched out for Mats.
“I’m coming!” Mats exclaimed, laughing loudly. He reached forward to hold on to Benni’s hand, never able to grab it.
They were running along the beach like maniacs. It was dark already, but the lights were bright around them. Music was blasting from several beach bars, people were screaming and laughing. They’d just landed a couple of hours before, but Benni had insisted on exploring the beach at night. “It’s going to be fun, I promise!” he’d said.
And it was fun. Like always, Max got caught up in Benni’s enthusiasm as they were running away further and further from the bars, closer to the water.
“Benni, we can’t go in the ocean at night. It’s forbidden! We’ll get arrested,” Mats warned but Benni just laughed.
“We’re not going in the ocean. We’re just hanging out by the water. Look around,” Benni said, pointing along the beach. A bit further from them was a group of young college kids, standing around a bonfire. Further down the beach, the same thing.
“We’ll be fine, stop worrying,” Benni said and pulled Mats in. “This is our honeymoon. It’s your duty to kiss me.”
Mats laughed against Benni’s lips, before he opened his mouth and slipped his tongue into Benni’s. They’d had a few margaritas before, but Mats knew the feeling in his stomach. He was drunk on Benny. Drunk on life. Drunk on love.
With the sound of the ocean in his ears, it was hard to focus.
“We literally ran all the way here,” he said.
“It wasn’t that far,” Benni protested and took Mats’ hand in his.
“No, I mean all the way. From home. I still can’t believe were here. We ran out of the wedding party, ran to the airport, ran here,” Mats said, but he made sure to sound light. It was an observation, not a complaint. “I feel like we’re fugitives… in a good way.”
“We always talked about escaping from there. Just for a bit. Just us two.”
“I know. And I’m glad we did.”
They smiled at each other, when the fireworks went off. The first explosion startled them both, but once they’d located the source of the sound, their faces lit up.
“See? I told you it was worth hurrying up,” Benni said and laid his arm around Mats’ shoulder. The black sky was glowing in many different colors. Mats wasn’t sure where they were even coming from – probably somewhere further down the boardwalk – but it was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen.
A cold wave of water washed over their feet, making them giggle. This was what being in love felt like, Mats was sure. Endless happiness, and an overload of emotions. He wasn’t sure what to feel because he just felt so much.
As they were both staring up in the night sky, it was hard to tell if they’d been there for a few minutes or for hours.
The sky wasn’t dark anymore and it wasn’t colorful either.
With a heavy heart Mats sat on his beach towel, feet digging into the sand. The sun was burning down from the clear blue sky, so much that it was almost unbearable to be out.
After a week of staying with Marco, he had adjusted to the new timezone as well as to the constant reminders of his marriage. He'd come to the beach, fully aware that he couldn’t avoid reminiscing over his former love. But it was a necessary process to get closure.
The sound of fireworks was gone, and as Mats looked next to him, there was no Benedikt either. Obviously, he wasn’t physically present. But even if he was, the one he loved, his Benni, would still not be there.
“Oh Benni, where did you go…” he mumbled to himself and sighed.
By the second week of their honeymoon they had rented a car to drive up the coast a little bit.
Mats was driving, faster than he actually wanted to, but the thrill of speed was too exciting to slow down. They had a convertible, of course, with their suitcases in the backseat and their hands out, feeling the wind.
"This is amazing!" Mats yelled. "I've never felt so free in my life before."
"I know! And we're newlyweds, so how paradox is that?" Benni laughed and smiled at his husband.
"I'm not going anywhere without you anymore. We're chained to each other for life now, you know?"
"I wouldn't want it any other way," Benni said, his voice only a whisper now but he was so close to Mats' ear, it felt like he was screaming. His blond hair was blowing in the wind, just like Mats’ dark curls.
Mats turned his head so their lips could touch briefly, but he didn’t want to take his eyes off the road, so he turned right back. Crashing their car at full speed at the side of the road was not the way he wanted to go.
"Turn up the music!"
As the sun set, they had almost reached the San Francisco Bay. They had booked a tiny little bungalow close to the beach for just one night, before they would continue their drive the next day. It was a cute, romantic little getaway, quiet and cozy.
With the sun gone, it had turned a little chilly, so they'd wrapped themselves up in a blanket and cuddled up together on the sofa on their porch.
"This..." Benni began. "This is perfect." He moved even closer to Mats, their limbs entangled in each other.
Mats took a sip from the glass in his hand. The liquor was stronger than he normally preferred, but then again nothing about this whole trip had been what he'd usually do. Benni made him step out of his comfort zone all the time, and it was the best thing ever. "Thank you for asking me to marry you."
"Thank you for saying yes," Benni smiled back and leaned in for kiss. His breath smelled like whiskey, but his lips were soft and longing. "I don't ever want to be without you."
Mats smiled, too. This was insanely sappy; whispering sweet promises to each other, confessing their love. But they'd just married; they had every right to be in love and dreaming about their future. "Promise?"
"Promise," Benny repeated, kissing him again.
In the end, none of this was true, of course. They'd been too young to get married. Too foolish. And eventually, Benedikt had had too many desires left in him to stay with Mats.
"Do you remember when I found them?" Mats said to Marco on one of his last nights in Los Angeles, as they were preparing dinner in the kitchen. "Benedikt and his lover?"
Marco looked up, concerned, but then continued to chop up his vegetables. "I remember you calling me and screaming at me."
"Right," Mats laughed. In hindsight it was ridiculous. "I was angry first. And then just sad and disappointed."
"Why did you get married so soon anyway? Don’t get me wrong, I know you were in love and I supported you. But you were so young…"
"It seemed like the right thing to do. I got caught up in everything. I loved him and he loved me. I wanted to be with him forever," Mats explained genuinely. "He was the love of my life. He showed me a whole new world, opened so many doors."
Marco listened carefully, never breaking eye contact.
"We ran away here, just two kids. Spent the most magical two weeks together. And when we came back, everything came crashing down," Mats closed his eyes. "We went too fast, too young."
As he left the courtroom, Benedikt's voice cut the air like a knife: "Can I talk to you for a second?" Mats turned around with a frozen face. He didn't want to show how upset he was. "Please?"
Mats sighed. "What is it?"
They looked at each other, after not having seen each other for so many weeks. Mats had dreaded this day. Not just because they were signing their divorce papers but also because he knew it meant seeing Benedikt one more time. One last time. They were supposed to stay together, yet here they were. “We've signed the papers. It's all good. We're free now."
"Mats..." Benedikt started, and Mats just wanted to run away. He was in no mood for any further apologies or explanations. Getting married had been a mistake, but now they had corrected that mistake. It felt liberating. "I don't know what to say. I just... I just wanted to say goodbye."
Mats looked at his ex-husband. This was going to be the last time he would look into his big, brown eyes. See his boyish face, smell his amazing scent.
Why did he have to go and sleep with another guy? He'd been so perfect.
"Every once in a lifetime, dreams do come true," Mats said. "And you meet somebody like... like you." Benedikt smiled faintly, unable to look Mats into the eye." And then you go ahead and fuck it all up. You've hurt me so much. This is why we came here today. This is why we got divorced."
Benedikt didn't respond, as they both knew there wasn't anything left to say.
"Goodbye, Benedikt."
"Goodbye, Mats."
At the end of his trip, Mats felt much better than when he had arrived. Soaking up the sun had done wonders, and especially his late night conversations with Marco had helped.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you?” Marco repeated one more time, as they were carrying Mats’ luggage out of the house.
“I’m fine, really,” Mats said and spotted his Uber car waiting for him right outside the door. “You’ve done too much for me already.”
“Text me when you’ve landed!” Marco said, as they hugged each other goodbye. “And I promise to come visit you soon.”
“You better! Germany’s not the same without you,” Mats laughed and grabbed his bag. “Thanks for everything. I really appreciate you and everything you’ve done for me, I hope you know that.”
“I do,” Marco said with a smile. “Bye Mats.” They leaned in for another hug, before Mats walked off.
He shoved his belongings into the trunk of the car and, after waving to Marco, got into the backseat. Goodbyes sucked. They always did.
He looked at this friend, who was still waiting by the door as the engine started and the car drove off. One part of him was glad to return home but a much bigger part was sad to leave Marco again.
Leaving was the one part of getting close to others Mats hated more than anything. You let somebody in, you trust them, you love them – and then, when you part ways, it’s like a part of you is being ripped out of your heart.
Maybe that was it. Leaving Benedikt hurt, because he’d left a part of himself behind. Leaving Marco hurt, too, because another part of himself was left behind. It wasn’t just boyfriends and husbands, it was anybody he loved. His friends, his family.
Missing the way things used to be, missing somebody. It was all part of it. Part of love. The sooner he accepted that, the sooner he could move on.
As he stared out the window it was hard not to snicker at how dramatically he was reflecting on the past two weeks and his little break from life. It hadn’t felt that way at first, but confronting the past and taking some time for himself had actually been good for him.
It was with a much lighter heart that Mats returned to the airport than when he arrived. And as the plane took off and Mats watched the city disappear underneath him, he said his final goodbye to all the aching, wild and perfect memories.
“Damn you.”