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“ Why did you leave me? “ A Foggy Voice Asked. This was an excruciatingly common question that I heard every night for over a year now. “ I needed you . " It continues. What an amazing lie. You didn't need me at all. " That's not true. I still need you . So why did you leave me?” it's complicated, you know that … “ I would never hurt you. So if I come for you, you won't leave me again." … " I'll come for you and I won't let you leave…” SHIt!
I woke up in a gasp, my Lekku ringing and my heart was pounding. A year, Every night, every night since then… it's like my soul is punishing me into a nightmare that won't end. “ Shit … “ I sighed, the small room I was in felt even smaller. It was a plain room much like the one I spent my younger years in as a Padawan… it was early, still dark, the only light in the room was a small chronometer on the small table. I sighed, all the nights blurred together. And I knew if I tried to sleep again that same damn dream would haunt me. I tried reaching for a flask of water but my hands kept trembling. “ …Come on…” I sighed trying to snap out of it. I had the same dream every night and every night the same reaction. I took a deep breath and try to reach for the flask again and as I motioned to grab it I saw it, it sent a shiver up my spine.
A shadowy figure just… there. It's hard to explain to a non force user but it's not the first time I've sensed that thing. Unlike Force ghosts like the old Jedi masters used to speak about, but this thing didn't have some ethereal glow, it was just there. Making the air around it, thicker than a hutts hide. Despite its weird nature it was almost as if it was watching me. This was also common yet not every night. What was really unnerving is that this presence felt intensely familiar. Yet I didn't have the courage to reach out, afraid it would devour me whole. I shot up from my straw mattress and raced to the refresher. I flipped the light on and looked at my bloodshot eyes. I was trained as a Jedi so I should be used to little sleep. Though now Jedi training will only get you so far in the New Empire…. Being able to use the Force at all makes you a target. “ You're more than just a Jedi… I always told you that.” A voice whispered in my Lekku, surly yet confident… That voice awfully sounded a lot like someone I knew... It was weird… that never happened outside of my dreams. I gripped the sink and turned on the faucet…. No use trying to go back to sleep now. I felt my head pounding so I took some medicine and managed to fix myself a small cup of caff, one of the only luxuries working in the empire gets you'll ever since the fall of the Jedi most people just put their heads down and worked, trying not to tip the scale or piss off any of the inquisitors. Once I started to feel like I was actually starting to calm down I felt that shadowy figure again … I turned my head and tried to ignore it but its intensity grew… “ why did you leave me?” It whispered.. “ Fuck off…! “ I hissed, without thinking I tossed the cup towards the shadow, only for it to shatter when it hit the ground.
I only look at the shattered glass in a daze. That seemed to spook that thing away but I knew just like every night it would be back. I sighed and began sweeping it up. It almost sounded like him… My former Master, Anakin Skywalker… I had no clue what happened to him after the fall of the Jedi…. I knew something bad happened to him when I was on that venerator… But for some reason I don't think he's dead, someone larger than life like him… I find it hard then he just would die like the others or disappear without a trace. Our bond was already strained when I left the order the first time, but I could still sense him like he was the sun.. I even felt him tug at our bond like a child with a balloon… But now my connection to the Force is completely severed. I don't know whether this thing is responsible for me not using the Force… And without mind healers I wasn't exactly prepared to find out. Just as I managed to clean up the remaining glass I heard a knock on the door. Great, now what? I looked through the peephole and my gaze softened. I opened the door. “ I-i heard something loud. I thought the big scary thing got you.” She said. It was a young Twi’lek girl. Yara. “ Ashla, are you okay? “ she asked sheepishly. Ashla, close to my original name yet far enough not for anyone to suspect anything. “ I-i’m fine… “ I lied. “ It's early, you shouldn't be up yet. You need your rest. “ I tried sleeping but its cold.. our heater is broken..” She said frowning. ‘ Again? God the empire sure does cheap out on replacement parts…” I scoff. “ Sssh! Don't let anyone hear you talking like that Ms. Ashla.” I looked around and didn't see anyone around. I pull the shivering girl inside. “ Unfortunately I'm all out of hot bantha milk kiddo. I'll have to get more when I get paid. But there should be something for you to get warm.” I sighed looking around the apartment. I opened the small dresser and winced… The first thing I saw were those silka beads… Reminding me of another time… I don't know why I didn't toss them when I had the chance… if anyone found these they would know I was a former Jedi… Yet when I think about getting rid of them… I can't. I shook my head, Yara was waiting on me. I closed one drawer and opened another and I managed to find a wool shirt. That should work for now… I don't have much else for her. “ Might be a little itchy but it should keep you at least a little more comfortable…” I said leaning down. I had taken the big sister approach to the girl, while I don't know for sure I suspect her parents are either at another labor camp or worse… I help the girl get into the wool button up shirt. And my hand brushed her bright green skin. My eyes widened.
I go to feel her forehead. “ You're running a fever.” I said. She looks at me with tears forming in her eyes. I smile trying to put on a brave face but this isn't good. I don't have any anti fever medication. Without proper nutrition or medicine a simple cold could be detrimental. I sighed and bundled her up in another thin wool blanket. “ I'll go find something to make you feel better. Stay here . “ I said. I got to my feet and put on a simple cloak. I spared another glance at the girl. I smiled and nodded as I left my room. The sun slowly rose from the horizon… The labor camp was quiet, almost too quiet. Troopers were lurking everywhere, almost drone-like. Not friendly or jovial like the clones that preceded them. A shiver ran up my spine thinking about the men I lost that day. I only found out about the brain chips because of Rex but by then it had already been too late… I clench my fist.
I had somehow made it off of Hoth but things hadn't been any easier. I came here to a quiet farming world and even Imperial stench made its way here. I walked to a small general store that had nothing more than a few cans of expired vita paste or protein bars. Any food harvested here goes to richer worlds, to Coruscant the seat of the empire. Locals and refugees don't see anything other than meager scraps. And even so we are the lucky ones. The shop owner was an older lady who often had a sympathetic ear. “ Please tell me you have some medicine. Yara's sick. ". I said digging out the credits from my pocket. “ I'm sorry young one, but we are all out. The imperial guards didn't give the shipments as promised. “ She said. “ Shit…” I grumbled under my breath. " Any tea or something filling at least …” I remember Master Kenobi and his assortment of teas, the next best thing to cure a fever. For an adult it might be fine but for a child, bitter herbal tea might be tough to sell… “ I'm sorry the store has run bare. I pray we get a shipment Today, though shipments will be delayed next week for empire day. “ " She won't make it that long. She's just a kid.” I said. “ Poor girl doesn't deserve it." The shop owner replied. Nobody does. What kind of bantha shit is empire Day, celebration of people going hungry and dying of sickness. “ I do have some rations that will last you until then.” She said sitting a box on the counter.” Thank you so much…” I smiled slightly. It took all of my remaining credits but I had no choice she needs to eat if she's going to feel better.
I grabbed my box and made my way out the store. But not before side-eyeing more of those creepy troopers. Just as I started making my way to my room I felt a chill down my spine. I turn my head and see that shadowy figure again. Fuck, not this again… It usually didn't appear during the day. I kept my eyes glued to the box and kept walking. It almost felt like that thing was walking with me. And yet it feels so familiar… I shook my head and entered my apartment.
I quietly sat the rations on the small table, Yara was actually sleeping. I kneel down and feel her forehead and as expected her fever is getting worse.
It's been cold lately. Shit. I felt my heart race again. Since her parents are gone I've been looking after her. I didn't want to watch her die. “ You're just like me." A voice said. Well that definitely sounded like Anakin… Except his voice seemed different, more dark if that makes sense. “ If you're not going to help, I can do this on my own." I said out loud. I look around and the figure is gone. That's gotta be a trick. But I didn't have time to worry about it , food isn't enough Yara needs medicine.
There's something else I can try but it's risky, I look around if there's any force sensors here I'm in trouble… I don't have a choice. I placed my hand on her forehead and closed my eyes. This was the first time in a while I actively tried reaching into the force… for so long I avoided it, the force felt cold and the visions I've been seeing haven't made it better… I was never great at force healing neither was Anakin, but I think I can at least stabilize her condition and buy myself more time to find her medicine. I focused the smallest inkling of the force to my fingertips using them to soothe the girl… I felt another chill in my body but grit my teeth and ignore it. It felt like someone or something was trying to read my signature … Just a little more … I kept going and it almost was as if I felt someone holding my hand and squeezing it.
That caused me to open my eyes. I looked ahead and saw nobody. I don't know why but after being alone for well over a year I felt the stinging sense of loneliness. “ It's alright." Anakin's voice whispered in my ear. “ I'll come for you, and then you'll never be alone again…” His voice sent more chills. I hugged myself and sat up. I don't think he's dead… but what he's saying is really troubling. It sounded more like a threat. But Yara is stabilized… out of immediate danger. I glanced over at the dresser where my Padawan beads hide…
The thought of his voice sent me down memory lane. Anakin was an interesting teacher to say the least . At first he didn't want me around, thought that I would slow him down and for a while that's what I believed too.. but somewhere along the way it changed and the way he looked at me changed with it. Anakin was an intense young man burdened with the blessing of the chosen one… But beneath his bravado and trust me there's tons of it, he's just a scared boy and I could see it and feel it when we were on the battlefield. His fear of loss grew as the war grew on… and as a result he somehow got a fear of losing me… on missions where we got split apart I still felt his presence, watching me. And when I would return he wouldn't leave my sight. He would often wordlessly stare at me with the intensity of two suns, to the point of scaring other Padawans and even some Knights and masters.. Back then it was a welcomed sight.
But In hindsight was it because he wanted to see me improve or was there something else. His stares were often hard to read unless you knew him, his lips quirked up when he was proud. His eyebrows lowered when he was mad, a shadow would cast over his blue eyes. Though more often than not his anger was placed on someone else and not myself… but I still felt myself melting under the intensity. When he was nervous or afraid he'd be restless. Unable to keep still. Yet sometimes when I caught him watching me I could swear I felt a sense of longing… but that was ridiculous. I already knew he was involved with a certain senator from Naboo… maybe he was just missing her. Those types of feelings were forbidden, but for the Chosen one nothing was beyond reach for him.
“* I miss you more . Just a little while longer snips. *" His voice snapped me back to reality. His voice was as clear as it had ever been… I should feel relieved by it, by the fact that he's still out there but I couldn't get past the overwhelming sense of dread and death along with it. For the time that I knew him, his Force felt like the warmest thing on Coruscant. But this voice was the chilliest of moons. It also confirmed that what I saw wasn't a figure of my imagination, it likely was him. Watching me like he did all those years ago. I don't know if I should feel honored or horrified… That also means he's haunting my dreams… Not only that, what would I even do if I confronted him? What could I say?
“* I'm almost there Ahsoka… *” He mused again. I shook my head again. Seeing Anakin before the siege of Mandalore was awkward… But he wasn't as angry at my return as I thought he'd be.
-
“ It's so great to see you . " He said with a light in his eyes. “ …Likewise master. " I said, shuffling my feet, it took all my strength to keep my composure... " It's been awhile like I said but everything seems the same. “ " It's been harder without you, “ he said, looking me up and down.” I'm sorry … But I still haven't figured everything out. “ I said. He looked genuinely hurt by that statement… but before he could say anything he was whisked away for a briefing. I wasn't a Jedi anymore so obviously it wasn't appropriate for me to tag along anymore, if it didn't concern Maul.
I was on that ship for a good day before we ended up going our separate ways again. Yet no matter where I turned I felt his presence. He tried searching my force signature multiple times and he didn't bother hiding it. When it was time to eat everyone of the troops, military advisors and generals were sitting together exchanging stories or improving morale. Pretty much like any time before a big mission… Except it didn't feel proper to go sit there anymore so I sat off in the back and picked at my rations. Despite that I still feel eyes on me… I looked up and saw blue eyes on me again watching my every move. It was a contest of sorts like the ones we used to have. One by one both the clones and the mandalorians retired for the night until it was just him and I. I knew if I hadn’t bailed first he would have sat there all night staring at me, I know how he is and how stubborn he gets. Especially with me…
If only I had the courage to actually talk to him again… would things be different?
-
“ You miss me so much your reminiscing, “ His voice replied. Now that I know it was him messing with me I felt a fire in my chest. But he's joking and I hope that doesn't mean he's hurt, but I still felt uneasy about it. I shook my head again and rubbed my eyes. I was still rather tired from being startled awake but Yara still needs medicine so I can't rest, not now. I looked her over once again and decided to go back out. Miraculously it was one of our rare days off at this work camp and id knew I needed it all to figure out how to get into the imperial armory. It's risky but that's likely the only other place around here that has medicine. Problem is I have no lightsabers or any weapons…. If this goes wrong I'll likely have to flee the planet. I sighed… As I sneaked to the side of the compound I heard people talking. “Lord Vader has said he will arrive within one system day in time for Empire DAy.” I felt a deep chill in my spine. A Sith Lord is coming… if Anakin is really on his way a Sith Lord coming here would be a trap…. There's also a second possibility that I'm not even sure I want to consider. If that's really true I need a way off this place and quickly. I had heard a lot of imperial aircraft, but trying to snag one of them is risky. But first things first was finding Yara medicine. I looked up and noticed a camera on the edge of the encampment. I felt the force around me, bubbling up like trapped air in the ocean. I flicked my wrist and the camera sparked causing the red light to dim. Just because the camera is disabled doesn’t mean there aren’t others… I quietly duck undersome supply crates as storm troopers marched the paved path.
Stormtroopers are clones with their inhibitor chips on
… Even despite the weird robotic movements I couldn't bring myself to harm them . They are likely engineered to withstand infections so viral medicine isn't likely. However I yet again felt that shadowy figure again. I made sure to have my mental shields as high as possible… Even if it's truly Anakin I can't be careless, I'm only going to have one shot at this. Just as I was going to make a break for it the power shut down within the compound. My heart raced what if this is a trap? I swallow the fear away as I slowly enter the compound. Just being here gives me the creeps. It didn't take long to find a med pack… it truly felt like I was baited into getting it and that was bothering me more than being in here… I was able to sneak past the guards and got outside the compound. I raced back to my apartment only to find Yara crying… She's having a nightmare.i frown and sit next to her going through the med pack… I eventually found anti-fever medication… “ I promise, you're going to be okay.” I said. I sit the girl up and she slowly stirs awake, “ A-ashla…” She sniffs. I smile as I ready the shot for her.” This will only sting a little. “ I said. “ But you're a tough girl you can handle it..” I raised the sleeve to the shirt I gave her . I held the vaccine in my hand and I slowly pressed the needle into her arm. That's when It hit me… my eyes widened. “ M-ms. Ashla?” She asked. It was very quick, but it felt like a flower blossoming for the first time.” N-no way… “ I said surprised. “ You, you have a gift. A special power.”
Yara is a Force user.
The little girl looked confused, her face still sleepy. Given how I even ran into her, I doubt she was ever discovered by the Jedi before the end of the war. I shook my head again and continued giving her the vaccine. But I couldn't get that uneasy feeling in my stomach. I haven't had time to follow the holonews but I knew something bad happened at the Jedi Temple… the same time I was on the Venator with Rex…. “ Kiddo. You are able to use the force… which is ordinarily a gift but… you can't let anyone under any circumstance figure out that you can use it.” I said moving my hand. I couldn't trust myself to stop shaking… “ T-the Force.” She whispered. “ Yes… the force… I shouldn't be saying this but I can use it too… I was a Jedi in another life.” I sighed. “* You were, until you left me Ahsoka.*” His voice is ringing louder in my head. I shook my head again. He's messing with me.. “ My real name isn't ashla, it's Ahsoka… and I promise you I will get you somewhere that you can use the force and grow big and strong and make friends…” I said.” I-i just don't know how to do it. But I promise I'll figure it out if it's the last thing I do.” I figured the girl thought I was insane but I couldn't help but tell her everything I knew. But that's when I felt her touch my forehead. “ Ms. Ahsoka. “ She said. “ Why do people hate Force users? “ Her face was less flushed and her eyes seemed more alert, the medicine is working. “... It's complicated.” I gulped nervously. “ Some think Force users are inherently destructive… that they can't live normally. But I say it's the opposite. They love so hard and feel so deep it destroys them. “ I raised my voice because I knew we weren't the only two listening. “ But I disagree we never should have been soldiers, this war was a trap and we walked into it.” “* If it wasn't me teaching you to be a soldier you never would have survived Snips. *” “* if I was to die with my men then so be it… Survival means nothing if you lose your compassion.*” I thought. “ * wrong answer, I can't let you die. *” “* That's not your call and you know it…*” I thought.
I felt a deep chill in my spine… the lights flickered in the apartment. He's angry. “ W-what was that…? “ She gulped. “ N-nothing…” I lied. “ I-i can't teach you yet how to defend yourself but you can protect your mind. You can shield your force presence so nobody knows you can use it.” in some bit of good news it didn't seem to take long for her to get used to shielding herself. “ill make us some dinner.” I said sitting up. I couldn't remember the last time I had an actual meal. Rations are a luxury. Even if it cost a week's pay. I made it a promise to protect Yara from the empire. I can't let her become an inquisitor. I just can't … “* Funny you critique my teaching methods yet you are doing the same. *” He said. "* Not by choice. No child should have to learn this.*” I said. “* Teaching someone to protect themselves isn't the same as being a soldier. *” " More about teaching someone to survive… But there's lessons I still need to teach you, Snips. I'm coming for you Ahsoka… “ He said. I frowned.
The more he talks the more I feel darkness in his voice . That second possibility that I didn't want to consider was something slowly becoming reality. After eating I gave Yara another dose of medicine before I let her sleep in my room. Now that I know she's a force user it's too dangerous for her to be alone. It's too dangerous for us to be here. But despite me sneaking to get that medicine I don't think I can get a ship out of here that easy. The ship I used to get off hoth was limping. And I doubt I'd be able to fix it in time before the Sith Lord arrives. “* It'll be alright Ahsoka… just trust me.*” He spoke. Will it?
I don't know what he has planned and I wasn't sure if I wanted to find out. I sighed and grabbed a backpack. I was able to stuff some rations and protein bars as well as medicine. I looked around the room for anything worth taking… I looked at the wooden drawer and opened it revealing my Padawan beads ….
-
“ You rebuilt my lightsabers? " I was surprised. “ I modified them… Made them even better." Anakin said, smiling. Compared to the last time I saw him his hair had grown and his attitude was as brash as always. But when I looked into his eyes I felt something cold about them. Honestly his presence felt off as well. I had assumed he was just tired. He was presenting my lightsabers in a dark wooden box. But I noticed that they're wrapped together with something. “ My beads? You didn't have to do that Mas-Anakin…” I said . " I wanted you to have them… just like your sabers. Don't tell me you actually thought about facing Maul without them…” He said. " I could have improvised.” I teased. " Ahsoka…" He grumbled. “ Oh right I forgot, only you are allowed to make jokes. “ I snarked, grabbing them. He looked at me expectantly as the beads sat in the box. I wasn't in the mood for him to start a scene with Rex and the boys around so I grabbed the beads as well, clipping them to my belt.
He smiles again as I turn my attention to the sabers. I clicked them on and was surprised to see them emit a light blue color very different from the yellow and green ones I used to use… I gave them a few practice swings. It felt so weird to be using lightsabers again yet it felt like I never went without them. “ I wish we had time to spar.” He said walking closer. His presence was just as intense as ever . “... Well I'm sorry for being awkward yesterday i-it’s just a lot to take in… Despite what I -i just wanted to thank you… F-for everything….” I stammered. I didn't know why I felt this nervous. I couldn't even look him in the eyes. I was surprised when I felt him hug me.” I miss you Ahsoka… “ He said. “ I missed you so much..” Not long after that he was whisked away again to protect the chancellor…. And that was the last time I saw him before the Jedi fell…
-
My head was foggy at the mention… I felt him, Anakin was close… Either on the planet or about to land…. He's breached my shields and is reading my thoughts. But it was more than that… it felt like I couldn't move, that he had my soul in the palm of his hand.” Why did you leave? “ He asked. I felt the force smothering me… like someone holding me in place.”* You don't understand.*” I said. “* I will. Tell me.*” He said.”* Ahsoka… Please. I need to know.*’ “ * I will. When you tell me how you survived.*” Now he's silent. “* Anakin,..*” I said. “* I can't let you leave Ahsoka. You're the only one that's left.*” What the hell does that mean? “* W-what? What did you do?*” “* I need you Ahsoka. I need you. *” The force around me felt tighter.. it was getting hard to breathe, like I'm being force choked and hugged at the same time…“* I'm sorry Ahsoka… you're so close to me. I'm close to finding you again. I can't let you leave. I won't let you leave.” He said, his voice growing more desperate. I felt dizzy and the last thing I saw was the old wooden floor.
-
I for once had a dreamless slumber but reality slammed into me as I woke up, that did not feel like I fell asleep naturally, someone used the force to do it... I heard footsteps around me. I opened my eyes in a panic…. I looked over to my mattress. Yara was gone. “ Shit! “ I huffed before trying to pull myself off the ground. But before I could really move I was frozen in place from where I sat . “ Anakin… “ I began. He was casually going through my room.“ Ahsoka… I finally found you again…” He smiled. He kneeled down next to me. He looks the same as I last saw him but his curly hair was even longer… but there was one thing that was glaringly different. Golden eyes. “ W-what the fuck?… Anakin, why are you a-a Sith? “ I said, trying to move back from him. He frowned and moved closer. Eventually I was backed into a wall. He closed his eyes and frowned again. He opened them again and this time they were blue. But he couldn't hide the corruption on his face. “ I'm so glad to see you again- “ “ answer the question first.” I said . My limbs felt like lead no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stand up, if I didn't know any better I'd say he's doing that to keep me from running just like he was the one who put me to sleep.. He was strong but he never had abilities like that before.” It's a lot to explain… I want you out of this depressing place. “ He said, reaching for me. I shook my head shrinking back from him. “ Where's Yara? “ I said. Another long pause pursued. “ Your Padawan is safe.” He said, trying to joke. “ You really expect me to believe that? A child who can use the Force isn't safe with a Sith Lord.” I said glaring. “ I knew there was a new sith but I'd never imagined it would be you.”
“ It's complicated." He said, looking me up and down. " I'm waiting.” I scoff. I noticed him looking at a small cut on my leg. I must've gotten it when I broke that glass, and when I fell I started bleeding again. “ I swear if you did anything to that girl-" I began. “ You understand it now. How it feels to want to protect someone so bad that you'd do anything. I feel that way about you." He said smiling. He sees a bacta patch in my bag and casually grabs it. “ I need that Ahsoka … I needed that power. I'm stronger than both the Jedi and the Sith. " he said, applying it on my skin. " So… My question still stands . How did you survive order 66? “ I asked… “ you would've still been on Coruscant. There were troopers everywhere. And what about the council?” He looked at my eyes and I felt another chill, they were still blue but they looked hauntingly blank. “ Why do you care so much about the order they betrayed you… left you for dead? The only right decision they made was giving you to me.But besides that they turned their backs on us… Always the problem children of the Republic. ” He asked, sliding next to me on the old mattress as if this was like the old days.
“ While I don't agree with their methods, they don't deserve to die.” I said. “ Don't tell me you…” He didn't say anything, he only stared at me” y-you… you killed them. “ I gulped. “ Yes, I did. “ He said. I tried to fight my body to get up… but the air felt like Carbonite. I felt my heart pounding as he was simply staring like he did all those years ago as if nothing was wrong or that he admitted to murdering the masters. “ Does Master Kenobi know about this? What about Padme?” I said.” What about them? You know how they are, they always talk down to me like I'm still that helpless slave boy from Tatooine. They never listened to me. The council never listened and they didn't either. “ He said, sitting closer to me. If I didn't know any better he was boxing me in…“ But you knew about me and Padme? “. " I don't have ears but I'm not deaf I knew you loved her...” I snark. He smiled slightly. “ I did always admire your observation but we split up shortly after you left, she cheated on me. We were divorced already by the time of the siege of Mandalore." He said glumly. " Well I had no clue you two were married… and I'm sorry for that. “ “ don't be. She betrayed me. Like the order did for both of us." I felt a simmering heat build up in the young man. I wasn't sure what to say, if anything
“ She told me she was pregnant. That I would be the father. Only to go behind my back to him…” he clenched his metal fist. Him? I shook my head again… This can't be real. This has got to be some bad dream. That I would wake up and continue my mundane work as a mechanic. “ It is real, Ahsoka… I found you. Finally ..!“ He said, looking at me almost elated... I take a deep breath and slump back. “ You say you need me but I am no use to you. " I said. " Even if I do believe what you're telling me… I can't do anything for you. I don't have it in me anymore. It's hard keeping myself alive.” I half expected him to yell or get angry but nothing. He lowered his shield probably to know that he's telling the truth but it could be a trick… somehow he got into my shields and I was not able to fight him off.
“ It's because I failed you, didn't I? " He spoke finally. It seems like the Sith side of him struggles even more to hide his emotions. “ That's why you left isn't it… ? Nobody trusted me with you.” He said. “ Like I told you it had nothing to do with you…. And I'm still pissed that you are a Sith and have been haunting me for a year, but…you deserve the truth Anakin I have nothing to hide.” I sighed.
“ You blame yourself but it's the opposite. I didn't trust myself after the trial. I didn't want to be responsible for you dying or someone getting hurt because of me, some good that did… you didn't want a Padawan, it seemed you had everything you needed and I was not part of it. “
Just saying it again brought back the emotions. “ If I had said this earlier would it have changed anything? You would still blame yourself. You should hate me. I failed you. “ I said calmly. "Being a Jedi is all I thought I wanted to be but now I realize I couldn't do it. But without it I realize I'm nothing.” I braved a glance over at him and I saw a glimpse of Golden eyes again. He was struggling to calm his breathing. I closed my eyes. There's no getting out of this. “ You're wrong Ahsoka… you're more than that because I'm more than that.“ He spoke his voice raw with emotions. “ About what? “ I asked. “ I admit you know I'm rough around the edges but I knew the moment I saw you on christophsis I was attached. That if you died I couldn't forgive myself. I had already failed my mother. I wanted to protect everyone but nobody listened to me. I wasn't strong enough, so I tried pushing you away but that didn't work.” “ You're so stubborn, you know that? You look out for others to the detriment of yourself. That's why you became a Sith isn't it.” I said.” I was tricked. Palpatine… “ He said. “ When Padme told me she was pregnant I had visions of her dying. He said he knew how to help me…. But the old fool lied to me , I trusted him.!” He clenched his fist the lights flickered in response to his force. “ Anakin…” I sighed. “ If you had told me what was going on…. I prevented Padme’s death before.” “ She lied to me, she brought Kenobi there to kill me…” he growled. Eventually I heard the crushing of glasses in my cabinet, my chronometer smashed to pieces. “ The liars, both of them.!” I looked at Anakin and his eyes were red, tears threatening to escape them.
It's a lot to take in. His force was as powerful as ever but I felt the chills. “ I knew something bad happened when I was on that venerator. I heard you screaming. I felt all your pain and sadness. “ I said. “ Then our very own men turned their weapons on me… God there were so many lives lost that day… it should have been me.”
“ I'm so sorry Ahsoka. You were never supposed to be a part of it. But that fucking sidious lied to me about that.” He said.” Obviously he lied about me to get to you… but his lying doesn't change the fact about what you did…“ I frowned. “ I know what you did was awful but for whatever reason I can't bring myself to hate you… another failing of the teachings I suppose. I didn't want to believe what happened so I pretended it didn't. “ He glanced at me and leaned closer. “ It was always us against the world. Sidious probably knows that you are alive. That your attempt to fake your death didn't work. That's why you are safer with me.” He said. “ Well what's your plan about him? I know how Sith work, there's only two: the master and the apprentice.” I asked. “ I plan to kill him. Take over the empire.” He said flippantly. “ I don't know if I can control the dark side enough to do it myself.” “ Typically you only come looking for me when you need help for a fight. “ I snicker still trying to process everything. “ I'm serious, Snips. “ HE said. “Right. When you are serious, things are usually really bad… “ I sighed, shaking my head.” H-how were you able to find me? “ I was probably pushing my luck here… “ this.” He said, reaching into his cloak. My eyes widened as if it was my lightsaber. “ I couldn't find the shoto, I assumed it was destroyed in the crash…” he said. “ If it wasn't blinking on the radar I likely wouldn't have been able to find where you crash landed so fast.”
“ W-what? Radar, what are you talking about? “ I asked.” To track where you are of course . After the time you left I threw myself into a panic wondering if you were okay. With these I'd know how close you are to me.” He said moving closer. His golden eyes frantically searching me. “ Well I'm glad I decided to leave them. What if one of your inquisitor friends found it, it would have gotten me killed.! “ I said. “ I had the controls Ahsoka…” He said.” Nobody else knows.” Just like your relationship with the senator I wanted to say. “ I don't know what you want me to say Anakin you're a Sith how do I know you won't turn around and kill me. I mean Fuck.. you might as well get it over with so I don't have to keep living in fear.” I said exasperated. “ Don't ask me to do that.” He said, grabbing my wrist.” I would never hurt you Ahsoka, ever. “ I looked into his eyes and they were pleading, yet also cold. “ I need you Ahsoka. I always did.” I shook my head. I couldn't believe any of this…I tried moving my hand but he gripped me harder. “ Let me go…” I said. “ No. I can't…. I won't.” He said. “ You're the only one I trust. I need you… “ That really shocked me. “ Anakin. You can't be serious.” I said, shaking my head. “ It's true. Search your feelings.” He said. His eyes soften again… I didn't need to read his presence.” Just why? You had the senator and Master Kenobi… why do you need me more than them. “ I asked. “. I trust you more than them, you never lied to me. We kill Sidious, we rule the empire together … Just you and me together. “ He said. As unbelievable as his words are, he is telling the truth. Unironically, he never was great at telling lies due to his proximity to the force. I don't condone his actions but if I'm with him maybe I can stop him from worse actions.
“ If you take me to Yara, I will go with you. “ I sighed. “ I need to know she's okay.” He raises his other hand, turning on a mini projector on his wrist. I saw her sleeping. “ She's on my ship being tended by a medical droid. “ He said. “ But if you are coming with me I can take you to her. Come on . “ He stood up and was pulling me up with him.” Wait. If what you say about Sidious is really true…” I said. I found the strength to pull away slightly. He seemed confused as I reached into the drawer. His expression turned to surprise as I pulled out my Padawan beads. “ I should destroy these shouldn't I? “ I sighed. Just holding them in my hand felt like they were burning my flesh. “ Y-you kept them.” He said a smile trying to creep up his face. “... I know it was stupid. In a post Jedi world I should have destroyed these and yet… “ “ No, keep them. “ He said. I nodded. It was weird being in his presence and I'm pretty sure he just confessed to me. I was conflicted about the beads because I was conflicted about Anakin as much as I know I should move on from him, I can't. The force draws us together, whether I like it or not…. I sighed as he picked up my backpack. He looks at me and smiles slightly. I tried to smile but I was still shocked, I felt sick. “ I meant what I said Ahsoka… “‘He said, sensing my doubt.
“. I know, Sith or not you don't say things like that out of nowhere. It's just a lot ok…" I said. “ It's weird, being a Sith. The Jedi taught us to hide our feelings. But the Sith are fueled by negative ones. I realize now that the force is more complicated. There are no sides. “ He said. I frown again. “ Before we go, I should tell you that I can't use force like I used to. Ever since that happened… I haven’t been able to meditate. The only time I used the force was to heal yara. But every single time before I tried tapping into it I felt cold.” I shivered, grabbing my cloak. “ Lots of things are different snips, the force is different since the Jedi are gone. Makes me think they were lying about the true nature of the force. Only I can teach you that there is a difference. “ “ Well Vader… Did you find the difference?” I asked. It felt weird calling him that, but if I’m playing a part I’d have to learn how to live with it. “No. But it feels different. You are more than a jedi, that would explain why you didn't answer me when I tried calling through the force. I couldn’t live in a world if you were dead. “ He said, glancing at me. I look up and gulp.
-
Out of nowhere I was transported to a blank snowy moon. I knew this place all too well. Hoth, the final resting place for half of the 501st. I knew I was looking at a different perspective… From Anakin’s memory. He was looking at the commlink on his wrists now I know it was him looking for a signal of my sabers. Storm troopers stood silent, nearly blending into the cold background. He walked through the snow to the wreckage and the beeping gained in frequency. He clicked it off when he saw the helmet in front of him. I could feel the sorrow rippling off him. Awkwardly he kneels down and digs through the snow finding the hilt of the saber. I felt the stinging of his eyes, and saw that he collapsed back into the snow.
-
I look back up at him and he has a swirl of emotions in his face and signature. Sadness, relief and most notably fear... “ I-i’m so glad I found you. The pain you went through… I’m sorry , I want to make this right. “ He said. I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. Anakin can still be tricking me. The air around him felt heavy. But I do think what he's saying about being a Sith is true. It's hard to control the dark side. I should have never gone to Mandalore. I should have been by his side. I failed him and even now he seems to have my back. I clench my fist. I felt a flame in my heart. I felt him tug at my signature . I need to focus. I shook my head and walked behind him. The walk was silent to his heavily guarded ship. I assume that the civilians are hiding from imperials… “* If most of the empire thinks I'm dead then you should call me Ashla not Ahsoka.*" I said. "* Using my real name is too risky if Sidious knows it.*” “* Ashla? Seems pretty similar to your real name.*" He muses
At least talking through our bond still works.”* Got a better solution then, Lord Vader?*" I said as we approached the ship. He tensed momentarily before he continued walking." I don't know if I like you calling me that. “ “* I don't like you being a Sith but here we are. *’ I said. “* I hope you know there's no way I'm becoming one of them.*" “ I told you Ashla, I hated seeing you on the dark side. " He began looking at me again. “ If my plan works you won't have to be a Sith. But I'm not losing you. " “ I'd rather you kill me before I become one of them . " I said out loud. “ Ahsoka…" he mumbled with a sharper tone .” I'm serious." I said frowning.He shook his head. “You've changed Snips, you're colder now."
" I grew up. I had no choice with being away from the order. And now… “ I said, crossing my arms. “ Where's Yara? You promised me you would take me to her. “ I was thankful to feel my strength returning but I stood no match with Vader . If things get dicey I could likely let Yara escape but I wouldn't be so lucky. He nods and gestures to me to follow him. “ And another thing Lord Vader could do is switch your eyes to blue. She doesn't need to know… I was worried your presence was making her sick once I found out she could use the force. “ I said. " I just taught her how to shield.But even someone of your skill struggled around Count Dooku.” " I can try but they won't stay that way… The siths power is incredible but I haven't figured out how to control it.” He said. " Sounds cliche but did you try meditating…?” I said aimlessly.
" I would need a guide… there's not a soul I trust more than you Ahsoka. It'll be like old times. “ He said. " Right… Old times …" I repeated
-
Early in my Padawan days running around on the battlefield left little time to actually process everything. It was a lot and despite Anakin's strict training with the blasters I managed to slip away during the evening to a quiet part of the ship. I had a spare meditation pillow that I sat down on the durasteel, I totally didn't smuggle it from the temple. I sat down on the ground and crossed my legs. It was difficult at first but I managed to tune out my surroundings… That was until I felt a familiar presence approach me. And it wasn't long until I felt two intense eyes studying me.
I didn't want to let it distract me. Could be a trick I thought. But I felt the prickle of him trying to read my signature back then he was trying to be subtle about it. I look up. “ Master? Is there something wrong?" I asked. The young man was seated in a crate a couple feet away from me. Staring with his brows furrowed. He was still unsure of even having me as his apprentice but this was the first real time he had been staring. And the first time I saw him without his armor, back then his hair was shorter and his features were still boyish, he was still a teenager himself back then. It looked like he just got out the shower and his hair was wet.“ Master? Are you okay?” I asked. His eyes snapped back and he shook out whatever trance he was in.” Was wondering where you went.” He said. “ I wasn't causing any trouble if that's what you're thinking.” I huffed. “ Today was a lot… I needed to clear my mind.” “... I understand,” He said. He seemed more surly than usual. “ Hmm, that reminds you haven't led me through meditation yet.” I said . “ Ah, Snips… right now ?“ He said sheepishly. “ What? Training me is more than just shooting blasters at me for hours.” I said expectantly. He frowned, I thought he was going to snap at me. But it seems like something else. Insecure? Sadness? From the hero with no fear? I didn't believe that unless… “ wait a minute, you never guided someone with meditation before have you?” I said surprised.” I-i didn't say that.” He said getting frustrated.” You didn't have to… “ I said, fighting back a laugh. “ I assume all younglings had to do basic meditation exercises.” He scoffs and I could have sworn he started pouting.boyish in more ways than one… “ i-i wasn't a normal youngling so…” he said hesitantly. That was the first time he actually talked about his past. “ Well why don't I lead it then? “ I said, leaning closer. “ I helped other younglings before becoming a Padawan. “
He still seems agitated. I figured he would storm off again like he did when he didn't want to deal with me. Except he was looking for me this time which was different… but eventually he slid on the floor and crossed his legs. “ Really it's just controlling your breathing until you feel the rhythm of the force.” I said. well in his case his rhythm is more like a raging river. It was so loud it was hard to relax at first… “ I don't feel anything.” He said getting impatient. “ You aren't supposed to, not everything is a competition, Skyguy.” I said.I heard him grumble but eventually… it happened our force bond was reinforced. It felt like being hit with a gust of wind yet it was energetic and warm. I opened my eyes and he was smiling. “ That felt like something.” “ Well when you stop fighting me master, we actually make a good team. I meant what I said, "You're stuck with me.”
-
I smiled sadly. Fuck, that was an eternity ago at this point. I frown when I saw him staring, shielding myself is pointless with how unstable his signature is. I'm pretty sure he saw my memory. “ Ashla, I'd kill to see you smile again." He said. "... This isn't something I'll just forget, Vader . “ I said. “. It's my fault you don't smile … that lightness in your heart I don't sense anymore…” he said moving very close.I stepped back and he frowned. “ I know how people truly are and what they are capable of. I'm not that trusting Padawan anymore." I said. "I can see that.” He replied. He backs up but presses the keypad…
There I saw Yara on a stretcher. She was still asleep… my heart softened as I sat at the edge of the bed. “ I know I can't win against you now but you had to know if anyone or anything hurt her- “ I began looking at him . “ I know that feeling… “ he whispered warmly, almost smiling. " That's how I feel about you. Remember that temple guard who took your beads..?” I quietly nod, he didn't need to finish that sentence.. someone else he chose to exterminate...” I'm going to be real… I don't know if this can be fixed. But I agree Sidious is a menace. “ I replied.” I wouldn't be surprised that he orchestrated my trial the whole time. “ “ To get you away from me.?” He said. I nodded again. “ I overheard Tarkin talking about it to someone after my trial but now I'm sure that person was Palpatine, that's when I knew I couldn't stay master… damned if something I or someone else did would get you or the 501st hurt or worse.” “ why didn't you tell me Ahsoka.? I would have believed you and I would have protected you from him.” He said. “ Now you know how I felt about the senator. “ I retorted. “ Blame me like everyone else. I thought I was doing what I thought was right by distancing myself. I knew you and the Chancellor were close.” He frowned again.. he stood up from a stool. He pulled me into a hug “ not closer than me and you.” He said. “ I'm so glad you're okay Ahsoka….” “… okay is relative. But I'm alive and so are you.” I said. I felt weird being in the arms of someone who did unspeakable things… I could hear the screams and the fear his hands created. Yet I couldn't pull away even if I knew I should. Anakin is undoubtedly an intense person. Once you are captured in his affection… there is no escape.