Work Text:
Year 0070
Lindy
I received an e-mail from Hayate in the morning. Dear Lindy-godmama. May I talk to you soon? Chilling in its simplicity, but of course I said yes. Dear Hayate. Of course you may. This afternoon after school works fine for me. Let me know if you need something else instead.
The doorbell rang. Arf pounced for the door. “Hayate! Wait, where’s Fate?”
“Good afternoon, Arf. She decided to go home with Nanoha-chan today. I’m here to talk with Lindy-san.”
“Hello, Hayate,” I said. Telepathically, <Would you have something to do with that?>
<I didn’t ask her to. But I did say I was coming over to talk to you, and then she decided to split.>
<Ah, a kind and thoughtful child.> “Would you like some tea?”
“Yes, thank you.”
“And then we can talk in my office.”
“Wait, what’s all this about?,” Arf asked.
“If she wanted you to know, I’m sure she’d have mentioned it, Arf,” I said. Arf looked hurt.
Hayate looked at me, and reached out to squeeze Arf’s shoulder. “I’m sorry Arf. It’s true, though,” she said.
In my office, I thought about Arf’s curiosity and ears, and raised a simple privacy barrier. Then I sat down, and took a deep breath. Hayate beat me to it, though:
“You seem nervous, Lindy-san,” she said lightly.
“Well… yes. Since I offered to adopt you, or to be whatever maternal figure you’ve needed, you’ve only addressed me as aunt a few times, and never as ‘mama’. I had to look up what godmother meant, again.”
“And?”
“Religious or moral instruction. And since I doubt you’re here for what passes as my religion, I infer a moral problem which disturbs you. As you seem to have an exceptional moral sense in general, I guess something hairy must have come up. So yes, I’m nervous.”
She nodded. “I wish I could reassure you. But instead…” She looked off to the side, then began speaking, of her newly awakened sex life, and the role of her knights in it, and the choices she saw. Her ‘education’ from Shamal, her lust for Signum, Signum’s reluctance to dally with a young girl, and what changes to her Hayate could make as master.
“After all that, I’m still not sure what you’re asking me, Hayate-chan. Is it okay to brainwash Signum so she’s okay having sex with you?” She winced at that description. “No, it’s not okay, not at all.”
“But… why? If she’d be happy after reprogramming, and if she’d consent beforehand, why is it wrong?”
“From what you told me, if she could meaningfully consent to you in the first place, you wouldn’t need to be thinking about brainwashing – let’s not hide behind euphemisms – her. As for why it’s wrong…” I stared her for some moments. “I think I’m too shocked to come up with a good argument as to why it’s wrong, if there even is such an argument. It’s just… wrong. To a Mid-childan, at least. And really…
“…that’s what it comes down to, I think. Who do you want to live as? An ancient Belkan lord, or as a citizen of Mid-childa, or even Japan?” She went very still. “If the former, then I can’t stop you, but I can’t help you, either. I’m a Mid-childan follower of the Way of Peace; not living like Belkan lords is almost the sum of our religion. If the latter, then it’s wrong. We may still make intelligent servants – familiars and Intelligent Devices, and your Unison – but we respect their autonomy once we have. You’ve heard how Raising Heart and Bardiche acquired the first new cartridge systems?”
She nodded.
“Right. They seemed fully functional according to spec, but were claiming error messages and demanding more. Many people think IDs aren’t really intelligent, and might have tried to fix them; Maria respected their wishes and gave them what they wanted.” I felt like I was babbling. “Look, are you sure you have a hard problem? Sometimes what we call hard problems are just easy problems we don’t like the answers to.”
“I suppose…” She stared off over my shoulder for a while. I let her think. “The right thing used to be so easy to see.”
“You’ve hit puberty. You’re horny. Lust makes us selfish.”
“Heh… I almost wish I were male. Seems easier for them; sex drains their energy, instead of charging them up for more. Shamal could suck me off and I’d be done for the night.”
“I’m not sure it’d be that simple. Speaking of which, you haven’t mentioned Zafira. Are you only interested in women?”
She cocked her head. “Mmm, I am still a 14 year old girl at core. He might be a bit too… masculine for me so far. Besides, I have far more memories of being raped by a male than of pleasure with one. Bad associations.”
What? “What?” Oh. “Your legacy from Reinforce.” Centuries of Wolkenritter memories, or as much would fit in a 9 year old human brain after a perfect Unison. She had told me about the bare fact of it when I’d offered to adopt her; I hadn’t realized what it could mean. I don’t think I succeeded in hiding the horror I felt.
Hayate nodded. “Not her own memories, of course, she never manifested long enough to have a sex life, but the others, through her. Third-hand memories, I suppose. But still somatic, if I call them up.”
“You’ve been carrying rape trauma memories around since you were nine?”
“Yep. Some of doing it, too. Sometimes from both sides of the same act, like Zafira raping Signum on command.” She smiled at me winsomely. “Aren’t you glad I didn’t let you adopt me? I did warn you I wasn’t a good child.”
“How could I be glad about any of this… I don’t know what to say.” A pause. “I don’t know how you’re sane.”
A wry smile. “Are you sure I am? How could you tell? What’s sane, for something like me?”
Joy! Something I felt confident about, for once. “You seem to have a good grasp of reality, including your own limits. You choose actions that advance your goals, which themselves are reasonably consistent. You learn from mistakes. Your goals are well-socialized, and concerned with the welfare for others. Those are the elements of sanity, and you are more sane than most people I know, Hayate-chan. Certainly for your age. Arguably more so than Fate, who still… has her problems I shouldn’t share with you. Or Nanoha, who seems to forget her limits and safety in a fight.”
She stared at me. “Welfare of others? Is being selfish insane, then?”
“Technically, perhaps not. As people commonly talk about it, yes. Sanity is determined by the majority, after all, is it not?”
A genuine smile. “Ringworld. You did read it, Speaker-to-Abominations.”
That made me angry. “No! I don’t think of you that way, Hayate-chan. You shouldn’t, either! Please tell me you don’t.”
She looked taken aback. “Not… usually. I was playing with you, somewhat. But given what we’ve been talking about, why I came to you today, about my insanely selfish desires… wouldn’t the majority call me abomination?”
“Maybe. But I know better, Hayate-chan. I know you. You’re not perfect, but no one is… though granted, your slips have far more potential to hurt someone. But you’ve seemed to always know that. If you’re a strange child, it’s as much for your ability to rise above the horrors you carry, as for the fact that you carry them. I didn’t even appreciate how true that is, until now.”
“I thank Reinforce for that too, you know.” Forlorn.
“I know,” I said gently. “But I think you do yourself too little credit.”
“I grew up hearing her murmurs, even if I didn’t understand them. How do I know what’s me, and what’s her?”
“Does it matter? You are who you are now, whatever went into that. And you are what you choose to do, who you choose to emulate. And, most of all for you, who you choose to be for your knights, whom you call your family. Their master, their mother, their friend…”
“Their lover?”
“If you can be sure that you both want it. And that… no, no one can be sure of not hurting each other, that’s part of the risk. But that the hurt won’t poison a relationship neither of you can end or avoid.” Actually, I realized, she could end it, ending their existence, or erasing their memories. It didn’t seem wise to remind her of that, though.
“It’d be simplest just to avoid being entangled with them, wouldn’t it?”
“Indeed. Date someone your own age, like–” Her bitter laughter cut me off.
“And who would that be, godmama? I have the sexual experiences of four people, voluntary and not, male and female, with hundreds of partners over centuries. Not all of it, only a fraction left by now, but enough. Who is my age, who an appropriate partner? Some other girl my biological age, just exploring her own body? An adult like you, who still hasn’t seen or felt a fraction of what I have?” She was starting to sound as hysterical as I felt dismayed. She stood and flung her arms wide. “I am Hayate Yagami, mistress of the night sky, and I have seen what happens in the dark, the glory and the depravity. Who, then, is fit for such as me?” She looked at me defiantly.
“If you start taking your titles seriously, then I will start questioning your sanity.” She looked abashed and sat down. “But you raise good points. I… don’t know know what’s best for you. Maybe the Wolkenritter are the best partners for you. All I can do is caution you about the risks.” She nodded. “Although… if you remember being them, if you can experience what they do as their mistress–”
“No, in my role as master control program. I’m both, thanks to Reinforce’s abdication.”
“–right, then, anyway I think it’d make sex with them rather weird.”
She shrugged. “It’s been fine with Vita and Shamal so far.”
Vita? She hadn’t mentioned that. I made a quick decision to avoid getting sidetracked.
“If you say so. I’d think it’d do weird things to your sense of personal boundaries.”
She returned one of my looks of pity. “That’s been shredded for years now. Even without my… legacy… I’ve hardly been alone since Reinforce died. When I go to the bathroom, sometimes.”
“Only sometimes? No wait, I don’t want to know–” She waved Rein Zwei’s dormant form around. “Waahh, is she aware in that state?”
“Haiii, Rein is!”
“Of course, just as Raising Heart and Bardiche are.” Hayate smiled wickedly. “Bardiche and his sexy man-voice are with Fate-chan when she takes a bath, you know.”
I refused her bait. “IDs hardly register as people, for that purpose. Rein… is much more human-like.” More seriously: “I can hardly say how unhealthy your life sounds, when I’ve just praised how sane you are, despite the details I didn’t know… I fear I’m not a very good godmother to you.”
“Better than anyone else could be. You were right about that. And I still thank you for it.”
We looked at each other for a bit.
“I guess I should be going, then,” she said.
“Ne, why don’t you stay for dinner? I hardly ever see you alone like this. I’m sure your knights can feed themselves for once.”
“Alone? Plus Arf, surely.”
“No, she left while we were talking. I assume to Nanoha’s, or out with Zafira.”
“Oh. Well then, I accept!” She stood up, and leapt toward me for a hug.