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With a long sigh, “what’s the point of this?” was the thought that kept coming to my mind at that moment.
Writing a letter to someone who’s already gone? That was nonsense only an idiot would do.
And well… I was that idiot.
With a few seconds of excitement, my hand began to fill the sheet of paper in front of me.
"To my Light, my hope, and my joy.
I can still remember the day you left. I can remember the mud soaking into my shoes, the heavy rain pounding on my back, your cold, lifeless body in my arms.
I remember thinking at that moment that corpses were more beautiful than I had imagined.
I still think the same. I doubt you ever looked ugly at any point—you were always the most beautiful person I had ever seen, and you’ll remain so until the end of my life.
I didn’t decide to write this letter to reminisce about the past, but to say goodbye.
Today I’m moving to Tokyo. Every time I think about being there, I can only remember our late-night conversations, when neither of us could sleep and it was just us and the stars as witnesses.
I still do that with ‘Hikaru’, but it’s not the same.
You’re very different, you know?
Hikaru is more childish, loves movies, sweets, cats, and isn’t as into sports as you were.
I think it became easier to accept your death when I started noticing these small differences.
At first, it was strange to get so attached to a monster—something that wasn’t even supposed to have feelings.
But over time, I began to love him so much.
Not because he’s like you—nothing will ever be—but because he has his own interests, personality, and needs.
Even so, I still miss you.
I miss you in every little moment of my life.
Sometimes I’m just doing something and I think, “Wow, Hikaru would love this.”
I’ve thought about making a memorial for you, even if some people in the village might think it’s strange to make a memorial for someone ‘alive’. I feel like I owe you that.
You told me to move on, but you didn’t teach me how. You didn’t tell me what to do with this hole in my chest.
I think it’s slowly filling, but it will probably take years—maybe decades.
It feels wrong to say goodbye. It shouldn’t have ended this way.
There are things I never told you. Things you might have already known but pretended not to notice.
I feel that if I had said them… maybe nothing would have changed. Maybe everything would have.
What hurts the most isn’t what changed, but everything I left unsaid. So many things stuck in my throat. And now it’s too late.
I loved you in a way I didn’t even understand.
Maybe it was friendship, maybe it was more. It never mattered to give it a name, because you were here. That was enough.
Now, what I have is an absence I don’t know where to keep.
I try to put it in photos, memories, places—but there’s always a piece of you that doesn’t fit anywhere.
It doesn’t matter anymore.
I just want you to know: even if time erases your face from my memory (which is almost impossible, with a replica of you waking up in front of me every day), the weight of having loved you will never leave me.
Like a parasite, clinging to my clothes, my insides, my very bones.
And I know, deep down, in a faint whisper, it’s what I always wanted.
To be tied to you. To have all your attention.
But at the same time… it was my worst nightmare.
Your memory will never be forgotten—not even if I tried to be born again could I forget how impactful you were.
In all of our lives, in my life.
I’ll always remember those small summer moments when the two of us, missing a few teeth, would cover ourselves in ice cream.
With your father and mine in the background, like old friends.
I’ll keep those in my mind and build new ones with Hikaru.
This won’t be goodbye—it’s just a brief farewell.
I have faith that someday, when I’m old and wrinkled, I’ll meet you again, my Sun.
With love
Yoshiki"
“Yoshiki! Have you finished packing your things?”
I hear Kaoru’s voice, shouting my name from somewhere down the hallway.
After she got more comfortable at the new school, she got used to shouting around the house—or maybe she picked it up from Hikaru.
I let out a small huff and fold the letter, putting it inside my backpack to burn later with incense.
“Yoshiki! Mom’s telling you to hurry up and pack your stuff!”
I hear Kaoru’s voice again and leave the room with my backpack on my shoulders.
“I’m coming Kaoru!"