Work Text:
Kuroo struggled with his key as he tried to open the front door, he fiddled with it for a moment, cursing the entire time, until eventually he got it open and sighed before walking in.
The living room at the front of the house was dark, he started calling out to the room as he strode in.
“Guy’s you’ll never believe what happened to me to-“ he made it up until the edge of the kitchen before he ran into an unfortunately placed IKEA LACK table with a resounding crack.
“Why is there a random table in the lounge room?” asked Kuroo as he dropped to the floor and clutched at his knee.
“Oh yeah,” said Akaashi, “is that somebody’s or can I claim it?”
“Oh sorry that’s mine!” called out Yamaguchi from the kitchen.
“Yama’s here?” Kuroo was surprised and for a moment forgot to be mad before he remembered the searing pain on his leg, “your table is dead.”
“Do you need it? I think he’s going to destroy it now,” asked Tsukishima as he looked doubtfully at Kuroo.
“What! If you do you’ll owe me $7,” warned Yamaguchi.
“$7??? I’ve killed people for less!” seethed Kuroo from his position on the floor.
“What, when you first started the business?” asked Akaashi with a smirk.
“Yeah, I needed clients and just severely undercharged them,” said Kuroo as he attempted to stand up.
“That’s okay, we can always get more LACK tables,” replied Akaashi wisely.
“We actually have four of them,” said Bokuto as he walked into the room.
“Why?” asked Yamaguchi in confusion.
“Why are you here?” asked Kuroo, “not that I’m unhappy about it but I thought you were in Germany?”
“I thought it was Denmark?” asked Akaashi in confusion.
“Nah it was Norway,” said Tsukishima.
“I’m fairly certain it was The Netherlands,” said Bokuto.
“...well you’re all wrong,” said Yamaguchi, “and I’m only staying here for a week before I’m going back to Sweden.”
“Ohh Sweden,” remarked Akaashi, “that explains the table.”
“You think he went all the way to Sweden to get a shitty IKEA table?” asked Tsukishima with a scoff.
“Well why else would it be here?” asked Akaashi.
“That’s… actually a good point,” said Tsukishima with a frown.
“You’re only here for a week?” Bokuto sounded disappointed, “why aren’t you staying with your family?”
“Ahh,” started Yamaguchi sheepishly, “well we planned it very badly, my parents didn't realise I was coming back and planned a cruise around New Zealand. You know how they’re always travelling.”
“They do travel a lot,” noted Tsukishima, “so did you get to see them?”
“Yeah they left this afternoon,” said Yamaguchi, “I got to see them for a bit before I dropped them off at the airport. They came here for a bit.”
“He’s staying in Tsukishima’s room,” said Akaashi, “since he never sleeps in there anyway.”
“We figure he’ll end up living there anyway once his exchange program is up,” said Tsukishima with a shrug, “hence why he’s starting dumping his furniture here.” He glared at the LACK.
“Yeah that's fascinating and all but I kinda want to hear about why you have four LACK tables?” asked Yamaguchi, effectively shutting off Tsukishima’s complaints. He was good at that.
“Well….” Bokuto began his story, “when we first moved into the old house my parents gave me a table right? But there was already a table connected to the kitchen bench and we didn't really need one. But I still wanted the table! So we decided to use it as a coffee table but it was too big, so we cut off the legs and everything was chill until we moved into the new house and realised that we no longer had the kitchen-bench-table and that we required an actual table now. So we went to IKEA to find a table but they’re just, very expensive you know? And Kuroo is an extremely good salesman…”
“Oh God, what did he do?” asked Yamaguchi in wonder.
“I think you need to hear it from him, he’s much more convincing than me,” said Bokuto and turned to Kuroo, who had now stood up and was looking eager to tell his story.
“Okay! So imagine you’ve got this huge feast, like so much food it’s all over the table! And you’re like, ‘where do I put my drink?? Where is dessert??’ its just a mess you know? So imagine, just for a second, imagine if you had another table underneath that table. You could be like ‘here it is!’ and pull out more dishes from beneath the other table! Its genious! Well imagine no more!”
“What…” Yamaguchi just looked confused now.
“Yeah we just bought four LACKs and put them underneath each leg of the coffee table,” said Bokuto happily.
“But they overestimated how wide the table was and underestimated how tall each of the LACKs was,” said Akaashi.
“So the table ended up being like boob height, and the four LACK tables pressed together was wider than the top table,” said Bokuto.
“So we ended up using the LACKs as chairs,” said Kuroo.
“It worked out pretty well,” said Bokuto.
“It really didn’t,” said Tsukishima.
“Speaking of food is dinner nearly ready?” asked Kuroo, effectively changing the subject as Bokuto’s eyes lit up.
“Nearly!” he said excitedly and Kuroo raised an eyebrow.
“You’re cooking?” he asked. Bokuto’s cooking wasn’t bad per say, it was just odd. He treated it like informal chemistry and liked to mix random herbs together; everything he made tasted interesting and different, but none of It was bad. It made dinner sort of exciting but didn’t happen very often.
“Nah Yama said he’d cook for us!” said Bokuto as he shook his head. Kuroo turned to Tsukishima.
“How is Yama’s cooking?” he asked, “I’ve never tried it before.”
Tsukishima just shrugged.
“Why would I know?” he asked.
“Because you guys grew up together didn't you?” asked Kuroo in confusion.
“What, and you think we spent our entire childhood cooking for each other?” Tsukishima raised an eyebrow.
“No but… you’d think you’d have done it at least once,” remarked Kuroo.
“Have you ever tasted anything cooked by Kenma?” asked Tsukishima and Kuroo squinted in thought.
“I think he made me toast once?” he hazarded, “but I’m fairly certain it was burnt.”
“Case and point,” said Tsukishima smugly, Kuroo scowled.
“Yeah but its Kenma, he’s sort of a special case you know?”
“Are you saying that Yamaguchi isn’t special?” asked Tsukishima in mock horror.
“Kuroo how could you?” Yamaguchi said, clutching his hand to his chest, “after all those nights together?”
“Wait what?” Akaashi perked up in interest and Kuroo looked a little shocked. Yamaguchi just sniggered.
“Don’t make me fight you Yama,” warned Kuroo, “don’t think I’m intimidated by your little ear stud. Even if I am a little bit.”
“I knew it,” remarked Yamaguchi with a smirk, “also dinner is ready. You guys like steak yeah?”
“Yes we do!” said Bokuto as he started loading up plates and handing them around.
“Hey Tsukki watch this,” said Kuroo as he started cutting his steak with a butter knife, “look at how tender this meat is.”
Tsukishima kinda stared at him blankly before looking down at his own meat, which he’d been using a butter knife for, though it wasn’t working as well as it seemed to be for Kuroo.
“That’s… nice I guess?” he questioned, not entirely sure what he was complimenting here. Was steak supposed to be tender? He didn’t really know much about meat as he didn’t eat much. When he was 14 he’d made the mistake of watching a Jamie Oliver cooking show where he’d slit a lamb’s throat on screen, afterwards he had refused to eat any form of red meat until he turned 18 and was nearly hospitalised from passing out due to his anaemia. His mother had flatly told him he’d have to get over it but since he’d started eating it again he could only handle small quantities.
Kuroo pouted at the response that he received and Tsukishima raised an eyebrow before looking from his own plate to Kuroo’s, then it clicked.
“It’s not the meat it's the knife,” he stated, “did you… sharpen a butter knife? Just so you could try to impress me by saying the meat was really tender?”
“Yeah,” Kuroo said.
“You do realise that I don’t really know anything about meat?” asked Tsukishima, “and that you didn’t even cook this meat anyway? Wouldn’t it have been more impressive to try it on Bokuto?”
“Bokuto watched me sharpen the knife,” said Kuroo, “he wouldn’t have been surprised.”
“How long did it take you to sharpen the knife?” asked Akaashi.
“Half an hour,” said Kuroo, “that’s why dinner was late last night… sorry…”
“So why didn’t you try this out last night? Then it would’ve seemed like it was your own cooking that was good at least?” asked Yamaguchi.
“We had pasta…” said Kuroo while looking down.
“Are you serious?” asked Tsukishima.
“Yeah,” replied Kuroo, “also this knife is kind of dangerously sharp now, you could definitely cut hurt yourself on it.”
“I wonder if you could sharpen every single butter knife in his house,” said Bokuto, “ like, how long do you think it would take for people to notice?”
“If it takes half an hour to finish sharpening one then people would probably
notice straight away because of all the time spent,” answered Akaashi.
“What if I did it in the dead of the night?” asked Kuroo.
“We’ll definitely notice,” replied Tsukishima, “ that's creepy as shit.”
“How so?” asked Bokuto.
“How would waking up in the middle of the night to find your boyfriend sharpening butter knives in the kitchen not be creepy?” asked Tsukishima, “what could be creepier than that?”
“What if he was doing it in your bedroom?” asked Akaashi.
“Like, standing above you,” added in Kuroo.
“While staring directly at you,” added in Yamaguchi.
“While whispering random stuff in another language,” said Akaashi.
“Kuroo already does that,” said Bokuto nonchalantly.
“It was one time!” Kuroo whined.
“What?” asked Yamaguchi.
“It’s nothing,” said Kuroo with a glare, “isn’t anyone going to ask me about my day?”
“No,” said Tsukishima.
“What?” Kuroo whined, “but it was really interesting!”
“How was your day Akaashi?” asked Tsukishima, completely ignoring Kuroo’s pouting, “you’re on placement aren’t you?”
“Yeah I had that year 11 class again,” said Akaashi forlornly, “the one’s who wanted to do an extracurricular science class but due to a lack of science teachers ended up in book club.”
“Oh,” Bokuto said with a wince, “the one you made that worksheet for? Did any of them actually do it?”
“Some of them,” said Akaashi, “one of the questions was ‘what would you do if you had a day off’ and one kid just wrote ‘fapping’, I can’t believe he actually handed it in.”
“That reminds me of today when-“ Kuroo started before he was cut off by Yamaguchi.
“Ohhh Tsukki!” he exclaimed, “how is your job at the Chinese place going?”
“It’s okay,” said Tsukishima, “some guy offered me a job last night.”
“What? What guy?” asked Bokuto.
“I don’t know, just some random guy,” said Tsukishima with a shrug, “he spoke to Kageyama and I for a bit and Kageyama mentioned we were both from the country. So the guy was asking about how I’d enjoyed moving to the city. Then before he left he said he had a job for me and handed me a piece of paper with his name and number on it.”
“What’s the job?” asked Yamaguchi.
“I don't know,” said Tsukishima with a shake of his head, “he said something about sales? When I asked for more information he said he’d give it to me over the phone.”
“That’s… kind of sketchy…” said Akaashi.
“Yeah he stated that it’d take ‘guts’ for me to call or something,” replied Tsukishima.
“Maybe he’s from a cult?” said Kuroo.
“Or just a murderer?” asked Bokuto.
“Honestly both of those options are sounding good right now so I think ill give him a call,” said Tsukishima as he rolled his eyes.
“You’re not actually going to call him are you?” asked Yamaguchi, looking horrified.
“Well… I am a little but curious I suppose… but I don’t really want another job,” said Tsukishima, “this one has sort of grown on me… even Kageyama is bearable sometimes.”
Yamaguchi gave his best friend a knowing smile and Tsukishima looked away.
“Don’t call him Tsukki! What if he directs porn??” asked Bokuto horrified, “you’re not allowed to be in a porno unless I am directing it. And starring in it.”
“Why would you be the star of my porno?” asked Tsukishima in confusion.
“Since when is Tsukki doing porn?” asked Kuroo.
“I’d watch it,” said Akaashi with a shrug.
“Guys I’m not doing porn,” said Tsukishima firmly. Akaashi looked a little but disappointed but Bokuto just looked relieved.
“Smart move,” said Kuroo, “you are a smart cookie.”
“I am indeed a smart cookie, “Tsukishima agreed, “there are few cookies smarter than I. Like, there’s a couple probably, but they’d have to be very intelligent cookies.”
“Like triple choc chip?” asked Bokuto.
“Nah like, rum and raisin I guess? Too smart,” said Tsukishima with complete seriousness, “ They’re my arch nemesis. Someday though.”
“Hey I thought I was your arch nemesis!” said Yamaguchi, sounding offended.
“It is true that you are the only person who can beat me in Tekken,” said Tsukishima with a nod, “but that cookie…”
“Wait you can beat Tsukki in Tekken?” asked Kuroo with excitement, “oh my gosh that’s incredible! None of us can touch him when he picks Eddie, that capoeira is a bitch honestly.”
“Pfffft we’ve been playing it together for so long now I know all his tricks,” said Yamaguchi, “I go Asuka, she kills it.”
“Guys can we play Tekken later?” asked Kuroo with excitement.
“Even better idea, let’s watch the movie!” suggested Bokuto and Tsukishima groaned.
“That movie is awful,” he said.
“No it’s incredible,” said Bokuto in defence of the terrible movie, “if only for Christina’s amazing pants.”
Yamaguchi snorted.
“Ohhh, the corsetty thing at the back of them?” he asked.
“Yeah, the bit that’s probably meant to be sexy but just gives you a bit of a weird view,” said Akaashi.
“Hey I could see you in something like that,” said Kuroo to Akaashi, “you wouldn't even need a zip to keep your pants up, just a bit of fancy string.”
“Yeah like a high end plumber,” said Bokuto with a nod.
“A high end plumber?” asked Tsukishima in disbelief.
“You could charge people extra for the view,” said Bokuto.
“Or to cover up,” added in Akaashi.
“Be like “I need an extra $10 an hour if you want me to zip it up” said Kuroo.
“Couldn't they just look away?” asked Yamaguchi.
“No, they’re not allowed to do that,” replied Bokuto.
“Ha, that reminds me of today when…” Kuroo was once again interrupted, this time by the dinging of the oven timer. Bokuto perked up.
“What’s in the oven?” he asked excitedly.
“I made apple pie!” said Yamaguchi excitedly, “mostly because I know Tsukki doesn’t like it.”
“Wait you don’t like apple pie?” asked Kuroo, affronted, “I can’t believe you’ve kept this from me for so long, I feel so betrayed…”
“Apple pie is gross,” Tsukishima said with a scowl, “different sections of the food pyramid shouldn’t be allowed to mix, it goes against nature.”
“You know the food pyramid is bullshit right?” Yamaguchi asked with a roll of his eyes.
“It’s good for telling you which foods shouldn’t be mixed,” shot back Tsukishima.
“What about like… smoothies though?” asked Kuroo, “that’s dairy and fruit mixed together.”
Both Akaashi and Tsukishima scrunched up their faces.
“I agree with Tsukishima partially,” said Akaashi, “I feel like the bottom tier can be mixed with anything but the rest should be kept separately.”
“What’s on the bottom again?” asked Yamaguchi, “that’s like… the junk food part right?”
“If we’re going by your diet maybe,” said Tsukishima with a roll of his eyes, “its grains and bread and stuff.”
“I think you’re just being ridiculous,” said Yamaguchi in return, he turned to the other three guys in the room, “we’ve been having this argument forever, ever since he refused to eat soup.”
“I stand by that!” said Tsukishima, voice rising a little, “soup makes me extremely uncomfortable.”
“What, why?” asked Bokuto in confusion.
“Because it's a liquid but its also food,” grumbled Tsukishima, “it’s just gross, like, make up your mind.”
“That’s very closed minded of you,” remarked Akaashi and Tsukishima scowled at him.
“How are we only finding out these things now?” asked Bokuto in wonder.
“Because we are very limited in what we cook,” answered Kuroo.
“There’s a reason for that,” said Tsukishima.
“Hey do you remember Kegeyama’s 18th birthday?” asked Yamaguchi with a snort, Tsukishima’s glare intensified.
“No,” he answered quickly.
“What happened?” asked Bokuto in excitement. Yamaguchi just started laughing.
“The entire team went out for dinner and there was a banquet,” said Yamaguchi through his laughter, “and Tsukishima was just chugging down champagne the whole time, so when the soup came out he mentioned his situation to Coach.”
“And?” asked Kuroo, his eyes lit up in amusement.
“And Coach made fun of him for the rest of the evening” continued Yamaguchi, “but as Tsukki got increasingly drunker he got less tolerant of it, by the end of the night he had threatened to fight Coach like four times. We had to physically drag him away from a cackling Coach Ukai.”
Bokuto started pissing himself laughing, Kuroo stared at Tsukishima in wonder, Akaashi looked blessed, Tsukishima was red faced and looked like he was about to kill someone.
“So how was your day Kuroo?” he asked in an effort to change the subject, but Bokuto’s laughter was too all encompassing. Kuroo looked a little disappointed until the laugher stopped suddenly and Bokuto whined in pain.
“My tongue hurts,” he complained, “I think I bit it.”
“Are you sure it wasn’t the seven consecutive lollipops you ate earlier?” asked Tsukishima.
“I had to do that!” Bokuto replied, “I forgot that I had them.”
“I fail to see the correlation,” said Tsukishima.
“I’ve had them for so long! They were going to go off,” reasoned Bokuto.
“They were off when you bought them, you got them from NQR remember?”
“Oh yeah. They came in a pack of 40! Best $4 I ever spent.”
“They had a big sticker on them that said ‘not to be sold outside of Thailand’ and they were out of date I don't even understand how you aren’t dead,” said Tsukishima with a scoff.
“Why are we arguing about that? My tongue hurts, please kiss it better,” said Bokuto as he sent some puppy dog eyes in Tsukishima’s direction. Yamaguchi blanched for a moment.
“There is absolutely zero chance of me doing that,” Tsukishima said in absolute resolution.
Bokuto stood up and walked over to Tsukishima, sticking his tongue out and holding it in his face. Tsukishima just looked disgusted.
“Stop it, you’re making Yamaguchi uncomfortable,” he said and Yamaguchi went a little red.
“I’m not uncomfortable…” he murmured, “its fine!”
“Well you’re making m uncomfortable,” said Tsukishima as he pushed Bokuto’s face away with his hand. Akaashi looked curiously at Yamaguchi.
“We make you uncomfortable?” he asked, looking somewhat forlorn, “the polyamory thing?”
“What? No No! Of course not,” replied Yamaguchi with certainty, “its more… the Tsukki part of It I guess? I’ve known him for so long but it’s weird to think of him like… that…” he pulled a face, “I’ve known him since we were kids, it’s just weird.”
“That makes sense,” said Kuroo, “I imagine Kenma probably feels similarly.”
“Tsukki!” Bokuto whined, apparently not having heard any of the conversation from where he was still attempting to get Tsukishima to kiss him.
“I’d rather die than have any of your saliva near me,” said Tsukishima with a smirk.
Akaashi snorted with laughter and Bokuto just stared at Tsukishima in shock for a moment before turning his frown into a full pout, with intense puppy dog eyes. Even Tsukishima must have been weak as he stared helplessly for a moment before pressing the quickest kiss to his boyfriend’s tongue and pushing him away while pulling a face. Bokuto looked slightly happier now but still had a slight pout.
“Not enough,” he whined, “my tongue still hurts.”
“Well my neck hurts,” complained Kuroo, “from today when-“
“You should get that checked out,” said Bokuto, “In fact I’ll do it right now. Damn that's a sexy neck. Looking nice. Did your neck fall from heaven?”
“It feels like it did,” said Kuroo with a glare, looking annoyed at being interrupted once again.
“You should take off that scarf, it makes it harder for me to check out your neck,” said Bokuto with a wide grin, his eyes glittering. Kuroo narrowed his eyes.
“No…” he replied.
“Aww, why not?” asked Bokuto, still a lilt of teasing in his tone.
“Because I’m cold,” said Kuroo petulantly as he looked away.
“Um, you’re wearing a tee shirt and shorts though?” asked Yamaguchi tentatively.
“Yeah how can you be cold?” asked Akaashi, with the same look as Bokuto, “its only February….”
“It’s my artsy douchebag scarf,” said Kuroo with a glare towards Bokuto and Akaashi, “they don't let me do a literature degree if I don't wear it.”
“You’re not on campus right now though,” noted Tsukishima, “surely they can’t take away your degree if you’re in your own home?”
“Why do we have so many little packets of milk?” Kuroo desperately tried to change the subject as he glared at all three of his boyfriends.
“Oh I stole them from the plane,” said Yamaguchi with a shrug.
“There’s like… twenty here? Are you a kleptomaniac?” asked Kuroo in disbelief.
“No… I’m a student,” stated Yamaguchi.
“I kinda want to shot them,” said Bokuto.
“Ohhhhh 1V1 me!” said Kuroo as he stood up suddenly.
“Is that okay?” Bokuto turned to Yamaguchi, who just shrugged.
“Okay, so we have to line them all up first and take off the little lids,” said Kuroo.
The two of them lined up all of the milks and removed every little lid.
“There’s an odd number,” noted Akaashi.
“Person who finishes the rest first takes the extra one?” said Bokuto and Kuroo nodded; “count us down Yama.”
“Alright, ready, set, go!” shouted Yamaguchi with a smile.
The two of them shot off suddenly, downing the little milk shots as fast as possible. Kuroo was at least managing to get all of them in his mouth while Bokuto was basically just throwing them in the general direction. Kuroo finished his line first but paused for a moment while Bokuto swopped in and stole the extra milk before finishing his last cup. By the end of it there was milk absolutely everywhere.
“I win!” declared Bokuto.
“Ahh, I think Kuroo won actually…” said Yamaguchi.
“Yeah you kind of just stole the last one, he actually got to it first,” said Tsukishima and Bokuto pouted.
“Also I’m pretty sure most of your milk ended up on the floor,” said Kuroo as he motioned towards the big puddle at Bokuto’s feet.
“And on the table,” added in Akaashi as he pointed to the mess on the table in front of Bokuto. Bokuto’s pout increased in intensity before his eyes lit up suddenly.
“Hey Kuroo you got some on your scarf,” he said as he reached for it, “let me grab it for you.”
Kuroo jolted backwards, trying to escape his boyfriend’s grasp but was too slow and his movements only helped Bokuto to remove the scarf. The line of hickeys along his neck was now clearly visible. He glared at Bokuto while his three boyfriends sniggered, Yamaguchi went bright red.
“Um… I might… ah go to bed now,” said Yamaguchi suddenly as he stood up and scrambled up the stairs. The other four in the room watched him go up before the silence was broken.
“Whoops,” said Akaashi.
“What’s he even gonna do?” asked Bokuto
“What do you mean?” asked Tsukishima.
“Like, he doesn't have any furniture or anything,” said Bokuto.
“What’re you talking about, he’s got a desk and a bed,” said Akaashi.
“And that box of tissues that his dad dropped off earlier,” said Kuroo.
“He could sit on the bed and stare at the desk,” said Akaashi.
“Or lie on the desk and stair lovingly at the beautiful bed,” continued Akaashi.
“Yeah, he’d be all ‘man I wish I could lie on that bed because it would be so much more comfortable but then id have to stare at this shitty desk’” said Kuroo in what was a poor imitation of Yamaguchi’s voice.
“It could be a selling point of the house: ‘great views from Yama’s desk’,” said Tsukishima.
“You’d have to specify what the view as of though,” said Kuroo.
“Oh, great views of Yama’s bed from Yama’s desk,” said Tsukishima, in the same sales pitch tone he’d used earlier.
“Do either of those things come with the house?” asked Bokuto.
“No but it is a major highlight,” said Akaashi.
“What about that tissue box?” asked Kuroo.
“Well it has his name on it,” said Tsukishima.
“Why?” asked Kuroo, crinkling his nose a little.
“I think his Dad just wanted an excuse to look at the house so he just brought over whatever was in his car,” said Akaashi.
“He also left a calendar of Resuscitation positions,” said Tsukishima helpfully.
“There’s more than one?” asked Bokuto in confusion.
“It's a lot of advice and shit,” said Kuroo, “an entire year’s worth.”
“Oh that’s useful,” said Akaashi thoughtfully.
“You know when it would have been more useful?” asked Kuroo, “this morning when-“
“Guys I’m tired,” said Tsukishima abruptly as he stood up, “I’m going to bed.”
“Yeah that’s a good idea,” said Akaashi, who got up and started walking to his room. Both Bokuto and Tsukishima followed him leaving a distressed Kuroo alone in the kitchen
“Are you guys serious?” he exclaimed before following them with a pout.