Chapter Text
‘Who is that? That man sounds different from the man I heard an hour ago.’ Namgyu thought to himself. His mother was always bringing home random men that she most likely just scrounged off of the street or whatever dirty club she was at.
Namgyu isn’t used to there being this many visits in one day, though. Early in the morning, an insanely tall man paid a visit, before it was dinner time– although Namgyu doesn’t actually have dinner that often. –another man swung by. His mother was passed out on the couch for a while after that, Namgyu never bothered to engage with her at any point that day. He knew that she would just get angry with him and throw a big fit. He didn’t expect her to wake up after hearing the 3rd man’s vigorous and resistant knocks get louder as he was at their door for a good 5 minutes, figuring that his mother would be completely worn out for the day.
Guess not.
School work was hard to deal with, he used to be so intelligent, many described him as gifted. Namgyu had already flown to the highest group in his class, highest meaning smartest. As Namgyu got older, everything became much more difficult. The exact moment Namgyu started going to middle school, was the moment he realised his life wouldn’t be okay in the hands of some fixer-upper, he was permanently damaged, he isn’t like any of the other kids at all.
He never will be. He will always be different, the sore thumb in the crowd– fuck, he wasn’t even welcomed in the crowd, he was more pushed to the side away from everyone, or hiding at a corner just lurking. Nobody wanted anything to do with him. Who would? Namgyu is just an angry little kid who has never fit in with anyone, like a bomb just waiting to be set off.
School work was harder, homework was harder, concentrating on anything was harder–
–getting up, getting dressed, brushing his teeth, washing himself, washing his clothes, making food, showing up to school, everything. It was just a constant reminder that he is incapable and useless. Just like what his dad said whenever he decided to move out and break up with Namgyu’s mother.
It’s hard to like yourself when you’re aware of how much of a nuisance you are, it’s even worse when you hear someone confirm those thoughts, and to your face? It’s like somebody fucking slapped Namgyu with a brick at the ripe age of 8 years old.
Well thanks a fucking lot..?
In Namgyu’s final years of middle school, he started to rebel. Skipping school way more often, talking back to teachers, initiating fights with randoms his age for no reason whatsoever.
He needed to feel alive. He needed to feel.. normal.
Comfortable in his own skin.
And he knew exactly what could make him experience that.
That little clear, plastic ziplock bag in his mum’s leather handbag. The bag that she always opens when she experiences even just a little touch of reality, when she realises she has a massive responsibility that has been ignored and pushed away for a while, her own fucking child that she produced and pushed out.
She couldn’t do it, just returned to her bag of pills. Multiple shapes, sizes and colours, they look fascinating. Namgyu would easily notice how happy and jumpy his mother gets after taking a pill, like all of her problems disappear and everything is sunshine and rainbows.
Except it’s NOT. Namgyu was the one who had to drag her limp ass off the floor anytime she came home from the club exhausted, Namgyu was the one who had to find whatever coins were lying about his stupid flat to find enough money to feed them both, all because his mother didn’t give two shits about that. She just liked the euphoria she felt so often.
Eventually, Namgyu couldn’t take it anymore. High school was too overwhelming, ‘What job do you want when you’re older? Pick options right now- even if you aren’t ready! Study over these 2 brief topics, but take this super important test which is based on every single topic we’ve ever discussed! And while you’re at it, here’s another super important test. But- don’t forget to get yourself a job right now!! Keep studying over the summer because as soon as you come back after your break, we will stuff you with work! Don’t be sad, don’t get sick, don’t flunk class, don’t form any opinion of your own, don’t show any signs of individuality, still remember to stand out though! Be bright and excited, but don’t be loud and obnoxious. Don’t be anti-social, don’t stick your nose in others business, don’t fight, don’t get too close! Oh and after all that, here’s another extremely important test you should probably study for, because you will have to take it in 2 weeks!’
Namgyu tries his best not to give a fuck about anything, he’s unbothered as fuck that you could smack the back of his head and he will just walk off like nothing even touched him.
Although that’s not the real Namgyu, inside he is trying his hardest not to kick whoever the fuck smacked his head. He was fueled by his own rage, everything bothers him and everything worries him. One week he did 3 all-nighters in a row because he heard his mother mutter something about the hatman talking to her after taking one too many benadryl. He was traumatised for so long he couldn’t leave his house, not like he ever did anyways– unless it was time to restock on the shitty, tasteless instant ramen, or because his mother was too loud and annoying with whatever man she brought home. Nobody wants to hear that shit, get a room.
Oh wait- they did get a room, but his fuckass mother couldn’t muffle herself while some lame guy struggled to get it up, it’s actually disgusting, man.
Anyways, anything and just about everything has pushed Namgyu to his breaking point, he knew about this quick fix he could get and he could get it for free, as long as his mother never notices him nicking a few pills.
So did he get that quick fix? Abso–fucking–lutely he did! It felt amazing, the first time he tried it was a week after his birthday, school was closed for just about 2 weeks for Halloween, and his mother never bothered to get him a birthday present- or even a fucking ‘Happy birthday!’ No, she didn’t care at all, wonder if she even remembered it was his birthday? God knows, if there’s one out there. Namgyu didn’t feel that guilty when he first nicked a pill from the bag, considered it a late birthday present. He had some leftover water from when he woke up from a terrifying nightmare the night before. He drained out every last bit of water– about a mouthful. –and then dropped the pill in, although he wasn’t really sure if he was just supposed to swallow the pill or crush it with his teeth or something, so he crushed it in his mouth and then swallowed it along with the water.
The effects didn’t take long to kick in, about 20 minutes and then Namgyu started losing track of time, all he knew was that the sun had already set and his mother was passed out in her bedroom after whatever the fuck she was at before, he didn’t know and he didn’t care.
His vision was shaky and he felt lighter all of a sudden, his mind was racing because he was scared as fuck– a pussy at heart. –but whenever he got used to the high and whimsical feeling, he had no thoughts, he just lay sprawled across the dirty wooden floor of his bedroom, not caring that he was right beside the corner that was filled with spiders. If he realised that, then he probably would’ve shat himself. Not joking, he is literally a pussy at heart, a wuss.
By the time the effects of whatever mysterious drug he had taken wore off, he was fast asleep. Forgot to keep track of time and ended up falling asleep like two hours before he usually woken up.
Ever since that day, Namgyu has felt completely devoted to his pills, he didn’t even care that much for whatever drug it was, as long as he feels the bliss he had become so used to. He never cared for favourites. Taking another pill anytime the feeling of withdrawals tries to creep back into his skin, hating who he has become but loving the way he feels when he is in a state of euphoria and delirium, it was fuckin’ awesome.
A part of Namgyu sort of wishes he never decided to nick that pill.
***
Namgyu lays flat on his bed, staring at the ceiling, his mind is fuckin’ racing. He hates thinking of his childhood– if you could even call it that. –yet the memories always come flooding back in at horrible times. He can’t catch a break from these horrible thoughts about how amazing he will feel with a bit more molly, or klonopin, maybe even just a little bit of xanax? Or what if he takes-
Namgyu slaps himself in the face, these thoughts are getting way too impulsive.
Every once in a while Namgyu will realise what the fuck has happened to him and he will try to get sober, all though he never really succeeds in this, the longest he had stayed sober was probably four days, when his mother left to stay at some man whore’s house. That stupid fucking hoe, not good for anything, and she has the nerve to agree with Namgyu’s father when he describes Namgyu as useless, if Namgyu is useless, then what are his parents? He would love to know, wait no- he wouldn’t because he doesn’t care. It's fine.
He just needs to focus on not standing up and walking over to his little stash of pills in a ziplock bag, how ironic.
Instead, he turns his head to the bathroom, there is one other addiction that unfortunately, Namgyu has to turn to after any minor inconvenience. Opening the cabinet under the sink and bending down to pick up his razor. That fucking razor.
It has helped Namgyu so many times, it distracts him from whatever makes him anxious all the time, and it distracts him from the pills that temporarily help him stop being anxious
Unfortunately, it’s annoying to deal with, having to make sure his arms are covered while working at Club Pentagon so that nobody will notice. It stings when he lies down, when he showers, when he changes his shirts, got an itch on your arm? Yeah, well don’t touch it or that will hurt like fuck .
Well shit, he tried his best to just stare at the ceiling, but it all got too much. Now it fucking stings.
Namgyu feels immense guilt as his arms begin to feel like they’re in agony. He needs to clean this up… The all-too familiar feeling trickles down.
Withdrawals also aren’t helping right now, his head is throbbing, everything is worrying him and his hands keep getting shakier and shakier, eventually spreading down to his legs as well.
He buries his head into his pillow instead, it’s the dead of night and Namgyu is exhausted to say the least. When he’s upset, scared, or even too angry, he runs away from his problems by sleeping it all off. So pathetic.
What a fucking loser .
The next morning is agonising. His arms sting like a bitch, getting up and getting dressed feels like a chore and his body shakes frantically as it is trying to get used to not having Molly in his system 24/7. His hands keep shaking really badly, it only seems to get progressively worse.
His phone is dead as fuck. No– it is fully charged, he just has got no notifications. Nobody ever messages him, occasionally Namgyu will get a text from his friend, his only friend. Well- he’s not so sure if he would be considered a friend because they met at a night out once and they seemed to fuck with eachother a little, like- he tolerated Namgyu’s bitchy attitude, he actually stuck around and listened to whatever Namgyu felt like adding to conversation, and he also added onto conversation. It’s refreshing, nobody ever tolerates Namgyu at all , like everybody hates him, if they don’t hate him then they definitely just don’t care about his ass.
Wait– why is he even thinking about this? It’s not like he cares, because he doesn’t .
Well, whatever, who cares if his friend Gyeong-su hasn’t texted him in about 2 weeks, maybe he’s busy? He could be working a lot, not for 2 weeks straight though, that would be fucking mental and also impossible. It is impossible. He has probably just been obsessing over that fucking rapper he likes, Thamples, or something.
Gyeong-su is a weird motherfucker for Thamples, like– always rewatching his music videos and live performances and doing strange shit like the weird ass fan he is, I guess you would call him that one word… What is it? A stan.?
Whatever, he really fuckin’ likes Thamples though, Namgyu doesn’t get it.
His fuckin’ purple ass hair… It looks disgusting. He only knows that his hair is purple as fuck because Gyeong-su once showed him a short clip from one of his live performances in some gay club in Seoul, although, Namgyu was high off of his face when he was shown this clip, so his vision is broken up into little blurry parts, he just remembers that Thamples has a deep voice and his hair is such an eye-sore to look at.
“Wait… fuck!”
That was enough, Namgyu spent so long thinking of why the fuck Gyeong-su disappeared, that he is only just realising now that he should’ve left his house 5 minutes ago.
It doesn’t sound like that of a big deal but Namgyu likes to come to work precisely on the dot, now if he still wants that to happen, he will need to speed walk over to Club Pentagon. That stupid fucking club… Spends his whole life there, might as well move into one of the private V.I.P rooms in the back, he would feel right at home.
Namgyu focused the fuck on his pace while walking, it has to be balanced the whole journey, otherwise everything will go wrong.
Alright, nothing will actually happen but you can try telling Namgyu that, he’s one stubborn fucker.
The club is tranquil, the doors will open to the public soon so Namgyu and his other co-worker, Se-mi, has to set up the whole club. Luckily the club isn’t that large. You enter to scratchy, run-down booths on both sides of you and a massive dancefloor right in the middle of the room with a small, but manageable enough stage pressed against the wall with speakers all around it, the deep, mahogany wooden bar in the top left corner, and right beside the bar, a hallway which leads to multiple V.I.P booths, the bathrooms for customers, followed by the staff bathroom, and finally at the end of the hallway leads to the backdoor, which is really only used by the staff of Club Pentagon whenever they’re on break.
Time seemed to drag… Namgyu was supposed to be working a 12 hour shift today, meaning he will be able to go home at 10pm– can he not just fall asleep out the back for like half of his shift?! –he wasn’t fully conscious, withdrawal is hitting him real hard, like a punch to the gut.
No, that's literally what Namgyu is feeling right now, stomach and head aches, he feels tied to the ground and like he is three times heavier than usual. Also, the withdrawals have turned him into an even bigger asshole, this is the bitchiest man you will ever meet.
What time is it now..? 9:23.
That isn’t that bad actually, he’s got this shit.
No he doesn’t, let’s be real. Namgyu’s thoughts have been racing all day but for a really long time now, every. single. thought, has been about wanting to go home or just crawl up into a ball and be unresponsive for days. To be honest, both options sound so appealing right now.
Ding. The bell above the entrance rings to notify whoever is paying attention that a new customer is entering. Namgyu squints at him as he finds familiarity in his face and…
His hair. It’s Thamples.
How does he make it so fluffy yet messy?
Whatever– fuckin’ weirdo, man.
Oh– he’s walking towards Namgyu. Wait yeah of course he is, he’s running the bar.
Wait, Namgyu forgot that he needs to wash this glass.
The fluffy, purple grape looking man takes a seat on the barstool which surprisingly has no company around it. Everybody seems to be up dancing or in the booths. Namgyu is focused on doing the dishes, his back turned to the tall man that is now sitting, staring at him.
“Yo, girl. Can I get a drink or what?” He asks. Namgyu’s head is scrambled so he isn’t in the right mind to even be working, but he snaps back around after Thamples asks him a question and- did he just call Namgyu a fucking girl ?
Namgyu clears his throat and pushes out, “Sorry, I never noticed you come over and- uh, I’m a dude. What are you looking?”
“Get me a soju.” Thamples sighs, as if something is troubling him, what could possibly be on his mind, isn’t he a successful rapper or something? “Man, I’m just so bored today. I wanted to come here because, fuck it why not? Usually I would go somewhere with my boy Min-su but I just felt like coming alone, didn’t wanna fuckin’ deal with anyone else y’know?”
What? That was incredibly random, who even is this dude? Namgyu just knows him because Gyeong-su practically creams himself anytime he hears anything that could even be a little reference to Thamples’ songs. Well Gyeong-su isn’t gay but you could easily mistake him for it if you saw the way he goes on about Thamples.
Oh wait, he has to respond to Thamples, it’s just been a staring competition for a good 10 seconds. Awkward. as. fuck.
“Uh yeah man, just… not bothered?” Namgyu assumes, trying to relate. He doesn’t really care though, he just wants this feeling to go away. He wants Thamples to go away, oh yeah- he should make his drink, maybe then Thamples will disappear.
“Word. Also, Min-su is a big sissy sometimes, such a pussy, man. Today, I just don’t feel like having to convince him that it’s okay to order refills.” Thamples yaps a lot. Namgyu hands him the drink and Thamples swiftly takes it off of him. Hopefully that will shut him up, Namgyu’s head is ringing so bad, fuckin’ throbbing.
“Yeah, man.” Namgyu dismisses. He isn’t up for conversation with this fuzzy grape, bad time.
He just turns his back again to wash more glasses, unaware of how he is frantically shaking. Shit is like if he was experiencing an earthquake in his body or something. His legs also quake. The thoughts are getting so loud that Namgyu doesn’t even feel himself fucking vibrating, he’s got bigger things on his mind.
“Yo wait, you never told me your name.” Thamples asks, expecting an answer to that.
Unfortunately Namgyu is half-fucking conscious so he’s out of it again. “Dude!” He shouts, it’s loud enough to snap Namgyu out of la-la-land, and quiet enough to not draw too much attention because the music inside the club is blaring . “You’re fuckin’ deaf bro. What’s your name?”
“Why the fuck does that matter?” Namgyu is a little irritated now. Okay- very irritated…
He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Look, my head is killing me, I can’t fucking focus on everything right now.”
Thamples pauses for a few seconds while he opens up some funky looking, thick cross necklace? He’s taking something out and-
Oh. That’s a fucking pill. His necklace has pills inside of him.
Fascinating, all different shapes, sizes, and colours. They’re familiar with him.
What’s that? Oh yeah, this bossy ass voice in Namgyu’s head? Yeah- it’s really fucking loud right now, give the guy a break for once?!
Namgyu stares at him. Watches Thamples as he places a pill in his mouth and easily crushes it with his teeth. It’s that easy to crush, if he took one right now, all these feelings would be gone.
He should take one.
Fuck it, withdrawals aren’t worth it, he needs this all to go away now.
Oh great. He didn’t take the fucking ziplock bag of pills. At least he can leave and go home in about 30 minutes.
No. It’s too far away. He needs those pills, something, anything.
He just stares at Thamples.
“Man, why do you look like you’re having a seizure? What the fuck is going on?” Thamples asks, finally swallowing that fucking pill. He’s got a great look of concern written all over him, he looks down at Namgyu’s arms that are rapidly shaking, then his shoulders, that shudder at every breath he takes.
Namgyu scowls, “I’m fine, why do you care so much?” He says with a mean tone. It’s kind of a dick move but this shit is ripping him apart, and he’s been working in a busy club for nearly 12 hours straight, so at the same time you can’t really blame Namgyu for being so hostile.
Still, Namgyu feels a little guilty, so he overrules his response with a better one. “My name is Namgyu… yours?” He is eyeing down Thamples’ cross.
“You don’t know my name? I thought you would’ve, damn. Humbling…” Thamples sounds a little bit unimpressed, or disappointed? “Anyways, it’s Thanos. Nice to meet you bro.”
Oh shit he’s been calling him the wrong name this whole time. Thanos is better… How did he fuckin’ think of Thamples? Sounds like a disease.
“Also, I hate to break it to you, man, but you’re definitely not fine, literally nothing normal could explain why you’re practically seizing. What’s up?” Thanos is genuinely curious to know, maybe even concerned. Why does he actually sound like he’s a nice guy?
Until Thanos shifted his gaze to Namgyu’s eyes, who were kind of locked onto Thanos’ cross of pills. It was then that Thanos realised what was actually going on with Namgyu.
“It’s withdrawals isn’t it?”
“What? Man, what the fuck are yo-”
“Look Namgyu, I’m not an idiot, you’re shaking, your mind is basically out of this world, and you’re staring at my fucking necklace. You want some don’t you?” Thanos opens up his cross for the second time, taking one small, blue pill and leaving it in his palm for Namgyu to pick up.
“Uh… I don’t- I don’t know man I've been trying to stop for 2 days now.” Namgyu keeps looking back and forth, between the pill, and Thanos’ face. He runs a hand through his hair before picking up the pill and closing it in the palm of his hand, he can’t take it behind the bar or he will get fired. “Thanks man… I’m going to go out the back and take this.” His voice shakes but it also sounds so relieved and thankful.
Namgyu steps out of the bar and into the hallway, walking down the long strips of dirty and well-aged red carpet. Behind him, Thanos follows. Namgyu can’t even be mad, Thanos just helped him a lot. They reach the end of the hallway and Namgyu steps out into the mildly cold atmosphere, holds the door open for Thanos and then he just stares at him like he got spooked out of his own fucking skin at something.
Literally nothing scared him though, he’s not even scared, just extremely grateful.
Namgyu continues to just look at Thanos as he places the pill in his mouth and he crushes it. He missed this, the feeling of it going down his throat and the excitement because he knows that he is going to feel much better. Namgyu lays himself against the wall, now he’s just staring at nothing, this will take a bit to kick in.
“This is so fun, man!” Thanos exclaims, he decides to lay beside Namgyu, not sure what they’re staring at, but it’s something? Namgyu puts head back.
“It’s so loud.”
“Huh? What is loud?”
Namgyu runs two stressed hands through his hair, sort of greasy from not washing himself since he stopped taking the pills. “These stupid fucking voices in my head telling me it’s a bad idea” he let’s out, he sounds troubled. That shit was messing with him though. Namgyu is alive, but just barely. “They wouldn’t stop, just nagging me on and on. Kept telling me to take a pill and then I would feel much better, but now that I fucking took one those- little bastards are dragging me for it.”
Why is he opening up? The only person he’s ever opened up to was Gyeong-su, his friend. Thamples- Thanos, is just some entitled rapper who probably doesn’t care, he’s just drugged up a lot of the time. Well actually– so is Namgyu, but he has a reason.
Thanos most likely doesn’t.
Thanos lets out a short sigh and slowly nods to Namgyu’s explanation. “Shit, it’s that bad? I’ve been through withdrawals like that before but- fuck. I always gave in and kept taking pills before they got too bad.”
What is going on right now? Is Thanos trying to relate?
Namgyu gets visibly angry. “Don’t hit me with that bullshit! You’re just some fucking rapper who takes drugs for the fun of it, aren’t you? All you entitled ass rappers are the same.” Namgyu scoffs. “You don’t fuckin’ understand that some people take them to survive, you had a choice on whether to take drugs or not and now it’s your own fucking fault!”
He didn’t mean to be this aggressive, but Thanos doesn’t seem too bothered, instead he lets Namgyu finish whatever rant he just had before he starts talking again
“It’s not like that. Yeah- a lot of rappers do drugs just for the fun of it, but I’ve got an actual reason, man. I didn’t know I would have to start opening up here..?” Thanos throws the last part in for humour but it just sounds rude with the tone of voice Thanos was using. That wasn’t on purpose… Whoops.
Namgyu sighs out and turns his head to look at Thanos, Namgyu has a look of irritability but also guilt, he feels bad. Thanos has a look of… Oh- his face is unreadable, great.
He just started having a go at somebody that uses pills as an escape, how ironic is that?
“I’m sorry, man. Fuck… My head is all over the place– I have a reason too,” Namgyu waits a few seconds after speaking to analyse Thanos’ facial expressions after that, before clarifying himself. “I’m used to seeing people ruin their lives just because.. ‘Fuck it why not?' But then there’s somebody who greatly depends on pills because of like- I don’t know, they’re really fucked up. You just look like you have a great life” Namgyu rubs his eyes, not in a frustrated manner, in a tired manner.
“Fuck, I should just stop talking, I’m sor-”
“Shut up Namgyu, stop apologising. I don’t care.” Thanos cuts him off.
Well shit Namgyu pissed him off. Whatever, he doesn’t care anyways, nobody actually cares about him properly and this guy might already be high or something, the soju he drank could be messing with the pill that he also swallowed earlier. Although he wasn’t being disrespectful to Namgyu or anything… Now he does feel bad.
Thanos continues on, “Alright that was a little dickish, I meant that you didn’t offend me or anything- I didn’t care. No need to apologise man… Plus that’s the perks of being a rapper, everybody assumes you’re a pussy who got into hard drugs and shit just to fit in with the others, or what you said before: your life is really fucked up and you’re just trying your fuckin’ best to get out of it.” That… makes perfect sense. Namgyu feels relieved that Thanos isn't angry, he makes him think of Gyeong-su, they both listen to Namgyu and understand him. It’s a nice feeling.
“Also, man.. Is this pill kicking in now or am I just off it already?” Thanos laughs in a casual way, why is this so casual?
Namgyu brushes it off, the euphoric feeling is flooding him now. “Yeah, it- it’s working, thanks.”
Time seemed to get lost in translation, Namgyu didn’t care because he just wanted to feel better again, and he finally got what he wanted. Thanos is still there, they both migrated to sit on the ground. They never spoke another word. But it was… nice?
That doesn’t change the fact that Namgyu is still itching to get home, that was just a little distraction.
“Alright, I’m going to head home” Namgyu announces as he stands up off of the hard ground, making his way back into the hallway. He heard Thanos quickly get up after Namgyu tries to dip.
“Yo wait! I wanted to talk more!” Thanos shouted after him, unfortunately, Namgyu is a dickhead so he just walked out of the club.
Seriously, this is why he has no friends.