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The night air was thick, and my dagger felt heavy in my hands as I dragged it along the whetstone. I’d planned to take a walk until the walls didn’t feel like they were caving in on me anymore, but I’d barely made it past the gates of the Moon Palace before I took a seat on one of the secluded benches in the courtyard. The repetitive sound of the scrape of steel on stone was soothing, the motion predictable and familiar. I counted each pass to quiet my thoughts.
Mostly, I tried not to think so much about Raihn and how soon I might have to kill him.
I knew he would follow me. I heard footsteps behind me, unhurried and familiar.
“You always look like you’re plotting my murder when you do that.” Raihn’s voice came from over my shoulder.
“Maybe I am.” I didn’t turn or stop my sharpening.
“And here I thought we’d made some progress.” He was teasing me, but I wasn’t in the mood.
He stopped behind me, close enough that I could feel his warmth against my back. Any other day, I would’ve leaned into it – leaned into him. But tonight, my body felt far away and, compounded with the reality of the situation, I couldn’t hold back the flinch that came. I knew he didn’t miss it, and my jaw tightened in frustration because I knew he’d given me no reason to recoil and I did it anyway.
Raihn still reached out to me, fingertips lightly grazing my arm in a question and my grip on my dagger tightened.
“Not tonight, Raihn.”
His hand stilled, then dropped in understanding. “Okay.”
He moved out from behind me, coming into my line of sight. I dragged the blade over the stone a few more times before setting them both down. He watched me, saying nothing and with the scrape of metal gone, the silence felt suffocating.
I met his gaze briefly. “Sometimes, I just – I don’t want to be – I don’t want to feel—”
“You don’t have to explain yourself.” His tone was soft. “I know.”
Of course he knew.
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” he continued. “You’re safe, even from me. But you’re not alone, Oraya.”
My chest tightened at that. I looked away. “Not yet, I’m not.”
“So, you are plotting to kill me, after all?” He was teasing again, but what else was there to do, except acknowledge the inevitable?
“Not tonight.”
He let out a soft laugh, but didn’t push. Instead, he took a seat on the other side of the bench, careful to leave enough space but still sat near enough that I could reach out if I wanted to.
We stayed like that for a while, my back against the cool stone, and the faint hum of the city beyond the gates. My fingers tapped a restless rhythm against the stone of the bench, willing my body to come back into the present.
“You know, I get like that too sometimes,” he said quietly. “I know it’s not the same but… I know it’s hard to adjust.”
My eyes stung and I squeezed them shut, counting to ten. I wasn’t used to having someone around when I felt like this, let alone someone who could understand so much despite how little I was saying. I felt his gaze on me, but it was soft and without expectation. It made my chest ache.
I took a shaky breath and shifted my hand along the bench until my finger lightly brushed his. He didn’t respond to my movement at first, then slowly, his finger curled around mine, and I let myself meet his gaze again.
“Good?” He asked, the corner of his mouth curving upwards slightly.
I nodded.
“Good. I’m here for you, Oraya.”
For the first time, I believed him.