Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jason bit his lip and then stretched out his neck so he could get a better look at the book he wanted. It felt kind of far away and, okay, maybe he should have moved the ladder closer to that shelf before he climbed up, but sometimes, even after all this time, he thought his arms were longer than they actually were.

Well, he could still reach it, right? He just needed to get more over.

He shuffled his feet over to the very edge of the rung and then hooked his arm around the side of the ladder. His left arm was pretty much useless with that dumb cast on it, but even if he couldn’t grab anything with his hand, he could still hang onto stuff with his elbow, right?

Now that that was solid, he leaned sideways away from the ladder, stretching his good hand out towards his book…

“Jason!”

Shit.

Bruce’s sharp voice came out of fucking nowhere, and Jason wasn’t ready for it. His hand hit against the whole row of books, they fell off the shelf, and he wobbled on his spot until he swung back around and grabbed hold of the ladder with everything he could. It was all of a sudden hard to breathe and his legs felt really trembly.

Then Bruce’s hand was on his back. “I’m sorry, Jay. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Jason squeezed his eyes tight and clenched his teeth shut. “M’not scared.” He wasn’t! He was just… really not expecting Bruce to show up all of a sudden, and also maybe worrying a little that he was in trouble and…

Bruce’s arm slid around his waist, holding on really strong, so Jason stopped gripping onto the ladder and let Bruce hold him instead. Being close to his dad got his weird shaky breathing under control, so it was only another second or two before Jason could finally open his eyes and talk normally.

“I was just trying to get The Hobbit down.”

“Hn.” There was a swoop as Bruce bent down, grabbed the books that had fallen, and stood back up. “The Hobbit, huh?” He started walking them to the big armchair that was closest.

“Yeah. Well, I thought I could… you know, try it.” Jason had been working really hard on his reading. It was basically the number one thing he wanted fixed from all the stuff he had forgotten. And The Hobbit wasn’t too hard, was it? He sort of remembered what happened in it, so that would help, too, right?

Bruce settled them in the chair together. He was still holding the book in his hand, and Jason was still worried that he’d say it was too hard for him to read, but then Bruce said something else.

“I need you to remember to be careful.”

Jason blinked. “Huh?”

“The ladder just now. I know it’s frustrating to have more rules than before, but you need to play things safe while your arm heals. If you’d fallen, you could have reinjured your arm or hurt your other one.”

If Jason had to have two fucking casts at the same time, he’d lose it for sure. It was already hard enough to need help with all the stuff he had been getting better at: cutting up his food, doing up buttons, tying his shoelaces. It sucked. Plus, his arm didn’t hurt as much as when it first happened, but it still did sometimes. And it was also just itchy and heavy and annoying. Even though it looked really cool with all the Sharpie drawings Damian had done on it, Jason couldn’t wait to get it off.

So, yeah, Bruce had a point. And, also, Jason could tell that his dad was still pretty freaked out about Jason getting hurt at the campsite. Jason had promised he wouldn’t try to run off and do dangerous stuff on his own anymore, but then he did exactly that and got a broken wrist because of it.

Being extra careful just to make Bruce feel a little better wasn’t such a bad thing. Jason wanted to make his dad happy. It was just… kinda hard to remember what all of Bruce’s new rules were with that. There was no running, no climbing, no skateboarding, no tumbling… He wasn't even allowed to go swimming with it even though they got him a cool waterproof one! It was a lot.

And now Bruce was looking back at the book. Shit, he was going to say it was too hard for Jason, wasn’t he? Even though Jason had been working really hard and learning lots, he was still way far away from where he wanted to be. That’s why this book was up high in the first place, and—

“Do you want to read some of this together?” Bruce asked.

Oh. Really?

“I could… read a page, and then you read a page?” he said.

“Okay,” Jason agreed really quick. “That’d be fun.”

He loved spending time with Bruce, and honestly, it’d been kinda weird this summer to not have school and be home sometimes while Bruce was busy or gone somewhere. Jason was over ten whole months into being a kid again (he had counted just the other day) and he had gotten used to a lot of things without even realizing it. But if they were reading a book, then it meant they were definitely gonna spend time together, and that would be really good.

And it turned out The Hobbit wasn’t actually too hard! He knew almost all the words, and he could follow what was happening in the story. The sentences were kinda long and a bit more twisty-turny than he was used to, so it was good to have Bruce there to help keep him on track.

But it didn’t mean they could do it all the time. Bruce still had other things he was doing. Pretty much everyone did, and it sucked because Jason couldn’t do a lot of the things he normally did to keep himself from being bored. He wasn’t even supposed to help Alfred in the kitchen! And even though he tried to stay safe, it was hard to remember all those rules for what he wasn’t supposed to do anymore.

Bruce had to keep telling him to stop climbing on the furniture (not just ladders), and a bunch of people told him to stop running in the halls. It was like the more Jason tried to be safe, the harder it was. That afternoon, Alfred caught Jason right when he was starting to slide down the big banister in the entrance hall, and the weirdest thing about that was that Jason didn’t even remember when he had decided to do it!

But he really, really wanted to be good for Bruce and show that he was being safe, so he decided to just… hang out close. Even though Bruce was doing a bunch of super boring meetings in the study with Tim. Even though Jason’s whole body had him wanting to move in some way.

They talked for forever and ever about business stuff, and Jason sat in his own chair and tried to read. Not The Hobbit, because he was saving that to do with his dad now, but a kid’s map book from the public library that he was working through because he really needed to get better at knowing places around the world.

But that was feeling really boring right now, and Jason didn’t want to be stuck in his dumb chair.

Quietly, he slid down so he could sit on the floor, and that was a little better. He could kinda crouch over the book as he flipped through the pages.

But then that started to get boring, too, so he propped the book up against the base of Bruce’s chair and laid flat out on his belly. He could kinda squirm around down here to get to different spots, and it felt like another world. Bruce and Tim’s voices kept going on and on, but Jason couldn’t see their faces. He could just see their legs, and also the underneath part of Bruce’s desk. There was a smudgy black stamp up there, and he scooted all the way under the desk and sat up so he could get a better look.

It was still too blurry to read, but now that he was here, Jason realized that it was a cozy little spot. He could sit up, but not stretch his arms too far. The drawers on either side and then the big wooden desktop above him made it feel kinda like a little fort. If Jason put his good hand on one side and his feet on the other, he could push really hard against the drawers without stretching all the way out. Then, if he rolled the other way, he could—

Before he could do that, Tim’s foot hooked around his belly and dragged him out from under the desk.

“Bruce, seriously, look at him. He’s dying. Let me take him outside.”

Jason was still on the floor, looking up at Bruce and Tim. They both seemed a little… amused at what Jason was doing which… okay, kinda made sense. He had been crawling around on the floor and doing all other kinds of weird things.

“C’mon, Jay,” Tim said. “Let’s go run around for a bit.”

As stupid as it was, Jason felt way, way better the second they got out into the fresh air. They didn’t actually run that hard because Bruce didn’t want Jason doing that, but they still had fun. Tim brought out a frisbee which was easy to do one-handed, and Jason got to do a bunch of throwing and catching and… well, kinda jogging to grab it when it went too far. Not full out running.

He hadn’t even realized how annoying all that buzzy energy inside him had been until he started to work it out. And it was fun hanging out with Tim. After a bit, they started to just walk around the grounds with Tim holding the frisbee in case they wanted it again and Jason zigzagging all over the path however his body wanted.

“No climbing,” Tim reminded him just as he was starting to go up the little brick wall by one of Alfred’s flower beds. “Bruce was really firm on that.”

Jason winced. “Right. I keep forgetting.” Blowing out a sigh, he went back to walking right beside Tim. He got his hair ruffled as soon as he got there, and he didn’t try to fight it that much. “You know, I wasn’t this wiggly the first time I was a kid.”

“Well…” Tim tilted his head. “Did you really have a choice?”

Jason bit his lip. No, maybe not. The neighbours in their apartment building always hated when he made any thumping noises, and he knew he had to be good because if the landlord was mad, he wouldn’t help them out when the rent was a bit late. Plus, there were a lot of times back then when Jason had just felt kinda tired, or headachey, or whatever.

He shrugged it off. “Well, it’s annoying now.”

“Mostly just because you’ve got the stupid cast,” Tim encouraged. “And you’re suffering from Bruce being a total helicopter parent. You know, you can just tell him to knock it off if it gets to be too much. We’ll back you up.”

Jason shrugged again. Because, yeah, it was annoying to have to be extra careful, but he also kinda liked it when Bruce was right there. It made him feel safer.

Tim just shrugged, too, and didn’t call Jason on any of that. “And I know it’s going to make your birthday harder because he’s going to veto pretty much anything active.”

“Oh. Shit, yeah, he is, isn’t he?” Jason hadn’t really thought about what he wanted to do for his birthday, but he had been excited that it was coming up. Because it wasn’t his fake birthday that Bruce had put on his fake adoption papers, it was his real birthday. He’d been thinking about it a lot, especially because Damian was planning stuff for his birthday that was coming up in a few days.

“Well, the trampoline park is probably going to be out,” Tim said, “but I’m sure we can figure out something else. I was, uh, looking online, and there’s this, like, Lego design place? You basically get to show up and build whatever you want, and then—”

“Wait, what?”

With a funny looking expression on his face, Tim flipped the frisbee around in his hands. “Well, we don’t have to do that, obviously. It’s your birthday, so it’s whatever you want. I mean, aside from anything that’ll give Bruce a heart attack.”

But Jason wasn’t paying attention to the joke anymore because even though he hadn’t really thought about exactly what he’d do for his birthday, he didn’t think it was going to be that… Little kid-ish. Legos and trampoline parks and…

“But, you know, if there’s something that’s a really big deal for you, Jay, I could help you convince Bruce,” Tim said. “I know he’s being super overprotective of you right now, but like I said, you don’t have to put up with it. I can—”

“No. You don’t have to…” Jason shook his head and tried to get out of his thoughts for a little. “I just, uh, don’t really know what I want to do for my birthday yet.”

An easy smile broke out on Tim’s face. “Okay. That’s totally fine. Just know that I’m here to back you up no matter what.”

And, sure, that was good, but Jason still didn’t know what to think about it all. It stuck in his brain the rest of the time they were outside, and it stayed there when he went up to his room on his own.

On August sixteenth, he was turning twenty-two years old. That was the number that was in his head even though he knew he was seven years old with everything in his life that actually counted. He had a bedtime (even though it was summer!), he was in elementary school, he slept with a stuffed Batman. He couldn’t even read The Hobbit by himself. Not really.

So, yeah, obviously his birthday had to be a kid’s birthday. Like, going to some kind of party place or… or having hot dogs for dinner or… something. It wasn’t like he could get drunk and stay up late like he did for most of his grown-up birthdays. He couldn’t even go shoot up a bunch of shit like he used to do on days that he wanted to cut loose. Jason was probably going to be really bad at guns now, and Bruce would be all weird about it, especially now that Jason had an arm stuck in a cast.

And it turned out Bruce was already weird about it because he decided to have a big ‘talk’ about it that night before Jason went to sleep.

“I know it probably hasn’t been very much fun,” he said as he brushed his fingers through Jason’s hair. “Especially if you had thought of something specific for your birthday.”

“Tim talked to you,” Jason realized.

Bruce winced. “Well… yes. He mentioned that you might be feeling a little disappointed about some of your birthday plans.”

“That’s not— He’s wrong, okay? I— I didn’t even have any plans yet.”

“Okay. But it can still be hard with the limits you have to follow.”

Jason frowned down at his Batman stuffie, who was tucked under his one arm. Yeah, it friggen sucked. And those ‘limits’ were only there because Bruce made them be there. They made everything so boring and frustrating and Jason was just ready for it all to be done but… But his dad said, so he was gonna keep following the rules as best he could because… because…

It was another thing that was totally different from if he had actually been turning twenty-two. Big Jason loved to break the rules. Little Jason, though…

Was a whole different person.

“What if I didn’t want to do anything?” he asked.

Bruce’s hand got still right in the middle of pushing its way through Jason’s hair again. “What do you mean?”

“Well, just… I have a different birthday now, right? So, what’s the point of even doing anything for this one?”

Bruce didn’t say anything, but Jason could feel him thinking something really big in his brain. Jason really didn’t want to hear whatever that was, so he kept right on talking about his own thing.

“My arm will be healed all the way up by my November birthday, too, and… I can invite my school friends, right?”

“Of course, Jay. But… well, the rest of the family—”

“We can do something then, too! Just like we did when I turned seven, remember?”

Even though Jason hadn’t been sure about it, it had been really fun in the end. Of course it had; he was a kid and it was a kid’s party. So, shouldn’t they just keep doing the same thing since that’s what made sense? In November, he’d be turning eight which was exciting and fun and not even a little bit confusing to think about. He could have another kid style birthday then. With the hot dogs and the party room and all that shit.

Maybe he’d even have two parties: one for his school friends and one for his family. He’d never got to have that when he was growing up before because he never really had school friends when he was living with Bruce, and when he was living with Mom, they couldn’t afford those kinds of birthday parties at all.

Everything was different now. He wasn’t the same kid that he was before, and he really wasn’t the same grown-up person that he used to be. There was literally nothing that was a ‘Big Jason’ thing that he still liked to do, so why the hell should they have a party for him turning twenty-two? It didn’t even count.

“We don’t need to do anything for my old birthday,” he decided. “Let’s just forget all about it.”

Chapter Text

Steph was the first one to come out and say that Jason was doing something dumb by not wanting to celebrate his birthday. Bruce had gotten all weird and quiet about it and then didn’t actually say anything, which made it easier. Alfred had done that thing where he pressed his lips together really tight, and he was still asking Jason about dinner and cake and a bunch of other things, but so far Jason had just been saying no to everything, and it was kind of working.

Dick and Tim and Cass all looked sad when Jason said he didn’t want to do anything, but it didn’t matter because it was Jason’s birthday, so he got to pick what he was going to do, even if it was nothing.

It figured that Steph was the one who just wouldn’t let it go. The day before Damian’s birthday, she found Jason in his room and told him all about how he was making a bad choice.

“You have to live your entire childhood all over again, Jellybean, getting two birthdays a year is one of the few trade-offs you actually get.”

Jason looked up from his paper. He stared at Stephanie. Then he huffed out a sigh. “You’re calling me ‘Jellybean’ now?”

She grinned. “What do you think? I’ve been working up to it for a while now.”

Jason shrugged. There were a lot of little names that people used on him, and he didn’t actually mind all that much. No one did it to be mean; it was all just ‘little brother’ stuff, just like how pretty much no one called him ‘Jason’ anymore. It was always ‘Jay’ unless it was Alfred or Damian talking.

It was all because Jason was really, really different now, and it probably felt better for other people to use something different than what they used to. That was exactly why he was so sure about the birthday thing, and so he told Steph that.

“It’s not like I can do anything that I used to like doing. It’d just be another dumb kid’s birthday party.”

“And… that’s a bad thing?”

He rolled his eyes and went back to working on his drawing. Maybe then she’d get the hint and drop it.

She didn’t get it, obviously, but she did start to pay attention to what he was drawing, which was even worse.

“Wait, is that you and Damian?”

“Uh… yeah.” Jason let his marker roll away as he tried to cover the paper with his arm. He didn’t do a very good job of it, though, because he’d worked really hard on the picture and he didn’t want to wrinkle it.

“It’s good, Jay! Is it for his birthday? That’s really cute.”

He scrunched his face up and curled his shoulders in, but it didn’t help keep his face from getting all hot. It had been kind of a random idea to draw a picture of him and Damian for Damian’s birthday, and he still wasn’t sure if he’d end up giving it to his brother, but it felt like maybe a cool thing? Damian had taught Jason a lot about drawing so…

When he looked back down at the paper, it felt even more stupid, though. Maybe he was working really hard on it, but it was still a little kid drawing. There were a couple wonky lines that he gave up on trying to get right, and he was colouring it with his same set of Crayola markers that he’d used in school last year. Plus, there was probably a million other things wrong with it that he didn’t even know, and it was a fucking picture which was already kind of lame and—

“He’s going to love it,” Stephanie said. She looked really serious about it and… that made Jason feel a little better about it. No matter what, he knew she wouldn’t lie about something like this just to make him feel better.

And maybe the picture was okay? It was of him and Dami outside with Titus, and Titus actually looked pretty good. And Jason remembered to do his colouring all in one direction just like Damian had taught him, and he used two different colours of green for the grass, so that it looked ‘dimensional’. Whatever, Jason was just going to give it to Damian tomorrow and whatever happened, happened.

“So back to your birthday,” Steph said. “We could do something really small and chill here. Whatever dinner you want from Alfred and then cake afterwards.”

Jason shrugged. Even with dinner here, it’d still be really obvious that he wasn’t actually twenty-two.

“Aw, c’mon, Jay! I got you a kickass Lego set and everything. Don’t you want to see what it is?”

Jason perked up. Really? She got him a—

But then he stopped himself just as he realized.

“Are you trying to bribe me with toys?” Even worse, it had almost worked!

“I’m not trying to bribe you, Jason, I’m—”

“What, trying to trick me? You think I’m too dumb to even remember what I’ve been saying this whole time?”

“No! Jay, seriously, I— I was just trying to talk it out, okay? But if you’re really, totally sure…”

“I am.” There was a hot, heavy feeling building up in his head, but he stayed in control. He didn’t yell, he didn’t cry. He just looked at Steph with a really serious expression on his face.

Finally, she held up her hands. “Alright. I’ll drop it. No more birthday talk, I swear.”

And she kept her promise. That was the thing about Steph: sometimes she pushed a little too hard, but when she said she’d back off, she actually did it. Then, because it was Damian’s birthday the next day, no one else brought up then either, which was also nice. Maybe that would really be the end of it.

It wasn't like Jason didn’t have anything else to worry about. He was still super bored being at home for the rest of the summer with his cast on. School was still a couple weeks away and it was hard to figure out stuff to do that kept him busy.

One day, he finally snuck down to the cave to watch Dick and Damian do some target practice training. He really was planning on just watching because Bruce didn’t want him to do any training at all, but obviously it got boring just watching, and eventually Dick said that Jason could try throwing a few wingdings, so obviously Jason got right into it.

He listened to all of Dick’s tips: he kept his eyes glued on his target; he kept his shoulder in line and his grip loose. Then, he threw the wingding towards the target that Dick had set up.

It spun around and around and around just the way it was supposed to, all the way until it landed almost on the bullseye right in the middle of the target.

“Nice, Jay!” Dick clapped a hand on Jason’s shoulder and squeezed tight. “That’s really coming along. Just remember to breathe through it.”

Jason frowned at the stupid target. Yeah, he was getting better, but he still didn’t actually get the bullseye, not perfectly. And he remembered from the first time he was training that perfect was the only thing that actually counted.

It was even more annoying when he looked over at Damian, who was working on a really complicated thing where he bounced a wingding off of a different spot before it hit the target. He got all three nailed in a row, and he looked almost a little bored with it.

“I still prefer weapons that are not projectiles,” Damian said. “This is far less practical.”

Dick just smiled and messed up Damian’s hair. “There are some good uses for it. And don’t think I don’t know the real reason you’re all of a sudden bored with this. I already told you I agree with Bruce: It doesn’t matter that you’re fifteen now, you’re not getting any daytime practice with driving until you have an actual learner’s license.”

Damian scowled, but Jason could tell that Dick had totally figured it out. Yeah, obviously Damian would want to be practicing driving now that he was old enough to do it for real. It’d be way more fun than practicing stuff downstairs that he learned how to do a long time ago.

Stuff that Jason couldn’t even do right.

With a scowl that probably looked a lot like Damian’s, Jason picked up a couple more wingdings and then threw them at the target, making sure he remembered to do literally every single little thing Dick had been coaching him on. He got the bullseye. Twice.

“Jay, that’s awesome! Way to go, buddy!” Dick gave him a big hug, and Damian did one of those little nods where he showed he proud, but right now it didn’t make a single difference for Jason.

“It’s not that big a deal. It’s not even that hard.”

Dick frowned. “Well, Jay, it’s pretty impressive for—”

“For a kid! I know. Maybe I don’t fucking care about that right now.” Right there in his head, he remembered that he was going to be twenty-two in a few days, and that Damian was bored doing this.

“Okay.” Dick plopped down right on the mat beside Jay. “I get it. I know all of this is really frustrating. It’s like… rehab, but for something that’s going to last for years.”

“Yeah… I guess it kind of is.” Jason remembered how annoying it was when he’d been injured and had to go super slow and careful with all his moves. This was like the way, way longer version of that.

“It’s not as simple as that,” Damian said. Without even looking, he flicked his last wingding into Jason’s target before he went to sit with them on the mats. “There may be some disadvantages you will continue to have until you have grown more, but there are other areas where you have already surpassed your previous skills, as well as the skills of most untrained adults.”

“Oh, you’re talking about his picture, aren’t you?” Dick asked. “I still haven’t seen it!”

“That’s cause it was for Dami, not every single person in the whole world,” Jason grumbled as he felt his face heat up.

Damian had got really serious and quiet when Jason first gave him that picture for his birthday, and first Jason thought it was because he did a really bad job without Damian coaching him the whole time. But then Damian started talking about it to literally everyone and even made Bruce buy this really fancy frame for it.

“You showed a very strong understanding of colour theory and composition,” Damian said, “and your linework skills have improved exponentially in the short amount of time you’ve been practicing.”

And… okay, Damian was right about all that. Jason hadn’t learned about any of that fancy art stuff the first time he was a kid, and so even though his drawings still looked kinda wonky sometimes because his fingers were a little clumsy and his brain didn’t always figure it out the right way, he was better at, like, planning out what he wanted a picture to look like and what kinds of things he should have in it.

“I guess that’s been pretty cool,” he finally said. He spun one of the wingdings on the mat.

“And your tumbling’s better than it ever used to be,” Dick added. “I told you that some of that stuff is way easier to learn when you’re little, remember?”

“Yeah…”

Dick nudged his shoulder into Jason. “I know it’s not an even trade-off, and I know this still really sucks, but there’s some—”

“What’s going on?”

Bruce’s low, serious voice made Jason’s belly jump, and when he turned around, he could see that the expression on his dad’s face matched.

“Basic target practice,” Dick answered, not looking scared or worried or anything at all.

Bruce crossed his arms. “With Jason.”

“Yeah. He knows how to handle the wingdings; we’ve worked with them before.”

“He hasn’t worked with them one-handed.”

“That’s how you’re supposed to use them!” Rolling his eyes, Dick stood up and took a step towards Bruce. “C’mon, I get why you want to be cautious, but this isn’t any riskier with a broken arm, and it’s good for him to have something to focus on through this.”

Jason looked down at his toes. He hated making Bruce mad, and if Dick turned this into a fight, it would just feel even worse. But also… Dick was right. It was so annoying that Jason needed him to be the one to talk to Bruce about this. He should be able to say all that stuff himself.

“He should be focusing on rest and recovery,” Bruce said.

Dick huffed out a little laugh. “C’mon, B, he’s seven. Yeah, he’s Jason, but even he can’t sit in your office and read all day.”

Fuck, Dick was so right. Jason really actually liked sitting with Bruce and reading, but he got way too wiggly trying to do that all the time. He didn’t realize how much running around and moving he actually did until Bruce was all of a sudden telling him he couldn’t do any of it anymore. It was hard.

But Bruce still had that stormy frown on his face, and he didn’t seem to agree with Dick at all. “There’s a difference between going for a walk and weapons training down in the cave.”

Dick didn’t give in. “It’s noncombative, it uses his dominant hand, which has perfect mobility—”

“Any kind of weapon is a risk when you have an injury.”

And that was the thing that finally pushed Jason over the edge.

“Shut up, Bruce! You’re being such a hip— A hippo…” Fuck, what was the word? The only thing he could think of was the animal, but he knew that wasn’t right.

“A hypocrite," Dick filled in.

Jason nodded. “Yeah! Right? Because… because he always does training when he’s injured! And it’s really annoying because… um…”

He stopped talking because everyone was looking at him. Damian seemed totally surprised, and there was this funny looking smile on Dick’s face.

“No, keep going, Jay,” he said. “You’re so right, and I’ve been waiting for you to finally get sick of Bruce’s hovering.”

Oh. Because… yeah. Jason had been putting up with a lot from Bruce. Way more than he ever would have before. Because part of him needed to have his dad hovering over him, and another part of him was scared to get into a fight with a grownup who was way bigger than him and supposed to be looking after him. Even just looking at Bruce’s surprised face made hot prickles crawl up Jason’s neck and took away a lot of those annoyed feelings he was having.

And Bruce was still being stubborn.

“This is different,” he said as he crossed his arms in front of himself. “I’m responsible for you, Jason.”

Jason clenched his good hand into a fist. That was one of the thousands of things that sucked about being a kid. He couldn’t be responsible for himself; it was always someone else’s job. And that meant that they got to make all the rules, and he had to follow them, and… and…

“Whatever,” he finally said. He passed the wingding over to Dick because he did know how to be safe with them even though Bruce didn’t believe that, and then he stomped out of the cave all by himself.

He didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He didn’t really want to talk about anything with anyone.

Except he ran into Alfred the second he was leaving the study. Like, literally almost ran into him because he wasn’t watching where he was going. Alfred twisted to the side just in time so his basket of laundry didn’t get all messed up.

“Master Jason!”

“Sorry, Alfie.” Jason skipped back a couple steps and tried to get his stupid heart to stop thumping so loud. “I didn’t…”

“My dear boy.” Alfred bent down to get a good look at Jason’s face. “It seems as if you are in need of a treat.”

And, well, Jason wasn’t going to say no to that, so a few minutes later he was climbing up onto one of the tall stools at the kitchen counter. Alfred put a big, fresh cookie onto a plate for him and gave him a glass of milk, too.

“I don’t want to talk about my birthday,” Jason said right away. Alfred had tried like three times to get Jason to pick something special for dinner, but he didn’t want to. That was the whole point!

This time, Alfred just nodded and kept working on slicing up a bunch of vegetables for dinner tonight. Jason watched as he munched on his cookie. He wasn’t allowed to do much in here to help because Bruce didn’t want his cast getting dirty and he was also worried that Jason would fumble something sharp if he was only using his good hand. Another stupid rule that Jason was really trying to follow even though he hated it because that’s what his whole life was like now.

“You’ll have to excuse us, my boy, for pushing the issue,” Alfred said.

It took Jason a second to remember what they were talking about. Right. His birthday that didn’t really count as a birthday anymore.

“For many years, that day was an extremely difficult one for us, especially for Master Bruce and me. There was a certain amount of excitement to be able to celebrate it properly this year.”

Jason took a sip of his milk. Okay, yeah, that made sense that Bruce and Alfred would have been really sad during the years they thought he was dead. And even after, it took a while before Jason actually wanted to do something like that with Bruce. This year would be really different because now Jason wouldn’t want to have a birthday without everyone in his family there.

But it’d also be really different because they’d have to do stuff that a kid could do or that a kid would like. It’d have to be not too late at night and not that dangerous and he’d have his dad hovering over him the whole time making sure that everything was extra safe. Jason had already done that once this year.

“It wouldn’t be any different than my fake birthday,” he tried to explain. “So, what’s the point?”

Alfred put another cookie on his plate and then gave Jason’s hand a squeeze. “It would be different for the reason you just stated: this day genuinely means something to you and to others. It’s not a day that was randomly filled in on a piece of paper. While it may be different than in previous years, it is still worth marking in some way.”

Jason shrugged. Yeah, maybe this was his ‘real’ birthday, and maybe that meant something to other people and even a little bit to him. But he couldn’t figure out what that something actually was, and anything he could think of didn’t really fit. So how the hell was he supposed to do anything to ‘celebrate’ a birthday that didn’t even count?

He had no idea at all.

Chapter Text

The car came to a stop, and with a frown on his face, Jason peered out the window.

“This isn’t the ice cream store.”

Tim and Cass both got really quiet in the front seat and then Tim looked into the rearview mirror to send Jason a guilty look. “Yeah, I, uh, I know.”

And what the hell? They used fucking ice cream to trick Jason? And it had worked?!

“We’ll still go,” Tim said in a rush. “And we don’t have to actually stop here if you don’t… I mean, if you’re really sure. It’s just that… Well, Cass and I were talking and…”

“We thought you’d like it,” Cass finished.

Jason stared back at them. He still had no idea what the hell was going on, but he trusted Cass, and he trusted Tim. If they both thought he’d like something…

“Where even are we?”

Tim cleared his throat. “Do you recognize it at all?”

And actually… yeah, Jason did. There was that tiny little convenience store right on the corner with the faded red sign. And the fire hydrant down the road that kept getting graffitied over and over again. Jason remembered that he used to check to see if anyone had got really fun and creative with it, and he also made sure that any gang signs got covered up right away and…

“I had an apartment here. Well, a safehouse, but…” But he liked it way more than a lot of his other safehouses, and it was one of the ones that could actually be someone’s home and wasn’t in some abandoned building somewhere. When he first moved back home, Jason had gone to help clear out a few of the nicer ones, but he didn’t help with any of the other moving stuff like furniture and dishes. It wasn’t like a kid could do much with that, anyway.

Obviously, Tim already knew all about that. He had all of Jason’s old accounts and was looking after them, so…

“I’ve kept up the lease for this one,” Tim said, answering the question that Jason hadn’t even asked yet. “It’s a really good location, and having a pharmacy in the retail space below? You can’t ask for anything more convenient.”

“Yeah, that’s… why I started renting it in the first place.”

“Good choice,” Cass said. “And the fire escape.”

“Oh, yeah…” The fire escape was a really good thing to have. It was in the alley just behind the building, but there weren’t any other windows or anything there and so it was really easy to sneak inside the apartment when you were coming back from patrol. The pharmacy was always closed at nighttime too, so it meant it was really, really private; exactly what he needed a lot of nights. Plus, the whole building was only a couple stories high, so you didn’t have to do a ton of climbing if you were injured…

All those things came trickling back into Jason’s brain as he looked at the building. He hadn’t thought that way in a really long time, but he still remembered thinking and doing all that stuff. It made it not as far away as he thought it’d be.

“Things are very different now,” Cass said, “but we thought you might want to visit. Remind you of what is still the same.”

“If it’s too much, we don’t have to,” Tim added. “It’s whatever you… you know, feel like doing.”

Jason tilted his head so he could see more of the building from his spot inside the car. It looked basically the same as what he remembered. The only thing that was different was the paint on the fire hydrant.

“Let’s check it out,” he decided.

It felt kinda weird letting Tim be the one to dig out the key and then following him into the building and up the stairs. All stairways felt this big to Jason now, but the last time he’d climbed up this set, he’d been way bigger, so it felt a little like he’d been shrunk all over again. And when they finally got inside the apartment it was… It was almost exactly like how he remembered.

It wasn’t a fancy apartment. The kitchen was really basic and the bathroom was old, but Jason had made sure to keep everything clean and that’s exactly how it still was. There was also still his same blue lumpy sofa and banged up coffee table that faced an old TV set he’d found in the thrift store a few blocks away. The bookshelves were empty because that’s all he had really cared about clearing out of most of his old places. The books were the only things he thought he could still use from his old life, and then even that ended up being wrong.

Cass came up from behind Jason, gave his hair a ruffle, and then plopped down on that blue sofa right in the corner.

“My favourite spot,” she said. She had put on a hoodie. And it was…

“Is that mine?” Jason wondered. It looked like one of his old ones. Just a plain old hoodie, but that exact colour of brown made him recognize it.

Cass smiled and tucked her hands inside the sleeves. “It’s cozy. Tim uses it sometimes, too.”

Tim let out a weird, mumbly sound. “It’s just— Some nights it’s nice to have something big and warm. Like, if you’re injured or… or after a shower. You get really good water pressure in here, that’s all.” The tips of his ears were turning pink as he talked, and Jason felt a smile grow on his own face.

“That’s cool. You can use my old clothes.” He couldn’t use them right now, that was for sure. And… he kinda liked how that was one ‘big brother’ thing that could still happen. With another shrug, he went over and sat right beside Cass on the sofa.

It was different than before because he was so much smaller, and he never would have cuddled this close to Cass, either. But it was also kind of the same. The sofa was lumpy in the exact same spots. It smelled the exact same smell, too: kinda stale with a hint of that stain remover of Alfred’s that he tried to use when he first bought it.

“So… sometimes people come here?” Jason asked. That’s what it really seemed like. Obviously, people were still cleaning it and taking care of it and everything.

“Well, you found a good spot,” Tim said as he flopped down on the sofa, too. Jason was squished right between him and Cass, but he kinda liked being squished by people like this sometimes, so he didn’t mind. “I’ve definitely crashed here a few times if I get caught out in bad weather or I’m just really tired.”

“Or injured and don’t want to tell Bruce,” Cass added.

“Minorly injured only,” Tim agreed. “But yeah, it’s a good place to deal with small cuts and scrapes and stuff without any obsessively protective eyes.”

Yeah, Jason knew all about that.

Then he thought of something. “Am I still paying for rent here? Like, are you taking it out of my money?”

“Well…” Tim shifted in his spot. “You had automated rent payments through to the end of September, but I’m going to talk to the landlord—”

“No! I— I want to pay for it. I mean, if I can afford it?” Jason had zero clue how much money he had, and he didn’t even remember how much he used to have to pay for rent here. All that number stuff had totally disappeared from his brain, which was why he needed Tim to take care of it now.

And Tim just huffed, like he was pretending to be offended. “Of course you can afford it. I’ve been doing my job very well, thank you.”

Jason smiled. “Okay. Well, then, I want to keep paying for this place. That way you guys have it for patrol. And, um, maybe there can be snacks and stuff here, too? That’d be good, right?”

He liked that idea. Even though he couldn’t go out on patrol with his family right now, and even though he couldn’t do things like pay rent or drive himself to his own apartment that he still somehow had, he could make sure it was a place that people could use. They could take a break for the night and eat Cheetos and wear his old hoodies and watch TV. That would be good.

“See?” Cass booped his nose to get his attention. “Still the same,”

Jason scowled as he batted her hand away, but then he scooted a little closer to her anyway. She was right, and he liked how she said it. Maybe pretty much everything about Jason was different from how he used to be, but there was some stuff that was still the same.

And now, all of a sudden, he knew what he wanted to do for his birthday.

Jason lifted up onto his toes and stretched his arm out as far as he could. It still wasn’t enough to reach the shelf of glasses that was right in front of him. With a huff, he shuffled his feet closer to the edge of the chair and then tried again.

“Jay, you’re going to give me a heart attack. Let me help, okay?”

Slouching, Jason turned around just in time to see Tim coming through the kitchen towards him. Tim was tall enough to reach the shelf without needing anything and then he passed one of the glasses to Jason.

“I’ll get them down if you want to put them on the counter?”

Okay, that wouldn’t be too bad. With a shrug, Jason took the glass and brought it over to the ‘drinks’ spot they were setting up.

“Everything’s so high up,” he complained.

Tim sent him a teasing grin. “You’re the one who set this place up, remember?”

“Well, big me was an asshole, then.”

Tim laughed and then passed Jason another glass. “We should get a couple of those step ladders for here. And maybe rearrange the kitchen now that it’s not run by a giant.”

And that sounded good. Jason wasn’t gonna start living in this apartment or anything, but he liked the idea of visiting every once in a while, and it’d be way better if it was set up so he could actually use it.

For today, he’d just have to make it work. His birthday party was starting soon, and he needed to finish getting everything set up with Tim before other people started coming. Maybe it was kind of weird that he wanted to put in all the work himself for his own party, but out of everything that he thought of, this is what made the most sense. He was being a little bit grown up and responsible in his own sort of way.

“Dick texted,” he realized when he looked at his phone. “He says he’s going to pick up the food now, so he should be over soon.”

“Great,” Tim said with a nod. He passed the very last one of the glasses to Jason.

“That’s, um, that’s good timing, right?” Jason checked. “How long does it take to drive from there to here?”

“Less than ten minutes,” Tim said. “Yeah, it’ll work out great, Jay. We can keep stuff in the oven until people get here.”

“Okay. And… and you gave him some of my money to pay for it, right? I said I wanted to pay for everything.”

“I paid for it online. Dick’s just the delivery boy, I promise.”

Jason ducked out of the way to keep Tim from ruffling his hair, and then he rolled his eyes as he skipped backwards. It was mostly just for show, though. He was pretty happy with how things were going. Maybe he couldn’t do absolutely everything to throw a party all on his own, but he could at least ask all the questions and pay for everything and make sure things were what they needed to be.

He was also bossing Tim around with everything, and that was working out really good, too. Tim never tried to take over stuff for Jason; he always waited until he was asked. And if there were a bunch of other siblings here, then it’d be harder for Jason to stay on top of everything and easier for everyone to start doing whatever they thought they should do.

“Hey, Tim?”

“Yeah. Jay?”

“Uh… thanks. For helping.” He ducked in close and squeezed a hug around Tim’s middle. He was just about to bounce away when Tim put his hand on Jason’s head. Not in a teasing hair ruffling way, but in a nice, gentle way that kind of reminded Jason of Bruce a little bit.

“Anytime,” Tim said. Then, because he never let things get too sappy, he took a step away and looked towards the living room. “Want to help me get some chairs set up?”

Jason wasn’t a lot of help with the chairs, mostly because of his broken arm, but he tried his best. They were almost finished with them when Bruce and Alfred showed up. Early.

“Alfie, you’re not supposed to be doing work for this, remember?” Jason said.

“I certainly do, Master Jason. I simply came a few minutes early to ensure that the cake is properly stored for later this evening.”

“Oh. Okay.” Yeah, that was probably a good thing. It was his own party and he was running it, but he was still really glad that Alfred had made him a cake.

“And I also believe that your father would like a moment to speak with you.” Alfred had that really focused look on his face, the one that said he was thinking a lot even though he wasn’t saying anything. And Bruce… He had that weird, stiff look on his face, the one that he always got when he was going to try to talk about something ‘emotional’ on purpose.

Jason bit his lip. He knew things were kinda uncomfortable between them ever since he’d got mad in the cave, but he’d mostly decided to ignore it, at least until after his birthday. He’d stayed away from the cave and spent a lot of time with Tim or Cass or Dick instead. That way, he was mostly following Bruce’s rules, but he didn’t have a dad hovering over every single little thing he did. It was working, mostly, so did they really need to go digging into it right now?

Well, now that Alfred had said something, they sorta did because either way Jason was going to be thinking about it the whole party.

“We can talk on the fire escape,” he said.

Bruce’s eyes got narrower, but Jason didn’t give up.

“It doesn’t count as climbing; it’s basically a giant set of stairs.” It was also… kind of a test for Bruce. And when he nodded as an okay, Jason’s belly flipped over because… that meant something was different than before. Right?

They climbed out onto the fire escape together. Even though it was summer, it was Gotham, so the weather wasn’t all that nice. It was sticky hot and the air felt heavy and Jason was going to be glad when the sun finally went down.

He sat cross-legged on the landing and Bruce sat down next to him. It wasn’t all that comfy. The metal ridges dug into his legs and there was a gross smell coming from the ground below. But it was as private as it always was here, so Jason stayed exactly where he was.

Bruce was right beside him, and they were both looking out to the boring brick wall of the building next to them. After a little bit, Bruce let out a sigh.

“Happy birthday, Jaylad.”

Jason nodded. Bruce had already said that to him today; this wasn’t the big thing they were supposed to be talking about.

Then finally, Bruce took another deep breath and started talking again. “I’m really glad you decided to celebrate it.”

“Oh.” Jason blinked. He dropped his eyes to look down at his lap. “Yeah, me too. I guess it still, you know, counts for something.”

“It definitely does.” Bruce smoothed Jason’s hair with his hand. “I’ve spent too many of these birthdays thinking I’d never get to see you again.”

“I… know. Alfred told me that.” It was kind of hard sometimes for Jason to really get how sad it would have been for them, but he could imagine it, mostly. “Well, anyway, I think I needed to do something today. You know, something for me. Things have changed a lot, but this can be a little bit the same.”

Bruce nodded, and then he shifted a little bit. He turned his body so he was facing Jason square on. “I also wanted to… apologize. I’m aware I’ve been… Well, I’ve maybe— I’ve made some rules…”

“For my cast?” Jason guessed, even though it made his stomach get all nervous and tight all over again. Sometimes, it was better to come out and say something instead of letting Bruce keep struggling to get a sentence together.

“Yes,” Bruce said. “I have a tendency to be a little… overprotective.”

Jason snorted; he couldn’t help it.

Bruce huffed out a laugh. “Okay, okay. More than ‘a little’, huh?”

“A lot,” Jason agreed. “But it’s not… I mean… You know, a lot of the times, I actually, um, kinda like it.”

He picked at his shoelaces with his good hand. It was too hard to actually look at Bruce for this, but he still needed to say it. Because even though all those rules were too much, and he knew they were too much, he also still really needed to have some rules. He didn’t want to have nothing.

“I think that’s— Um, like it’s just part of being a kid. It’s nice to have someone who’s always taking care of me. I didn’t have that the first time I was seven.”

“I know.” Bruce whispered as he tugged Jason into a hug. “I wish you had.”

Jason shrugged and then burrowed in closer. It wasn’t like everything was bad from the last time he was a kid. There were good times, too. But, yeah, having Bruce as his dad made things way, way different, and most of that was in a good way.

“And I wish— I wish I had figured things out properly the first time,” Bruce added.

Jason’s stomach twisted again. He didn’t like talking about how he used to fight with Bruce. A lot of it didn’t make sense in his brain right now, and he was also way too much of a clingy kid to want to be fighting with his dad about anything. Maybe it would change again when he got older, but for right now that’s how it was.

“I know things are easier with me like this,” he said.

Bruce got really still. “What?”

“Well, just…” Jason pushed himself even closer to Bruce. “Basically all it takes is a hug and I stop being mad or sad or whatever. And I don’t fight with you anymore, so…”

“Jay, that’s— that’s not…” Bruce pulled his arms around Jason even tighter, and Jason got so close that he was basically sitting in Bruce’s lap. Having Bruce all around him made that little bit of nervousness disappear completely, and he could feel all of his muscles relaxing.

“See?” Jason settled his head on Bruce’s chest. “This is easier than it was like before.”

Bruce took a deep breath. He still didn’t say anything for a little while, long enough that Jasons started to get nervous again, but then Bruce finally gave in.

“Okay. You’re right. Some things are easier between us than they used to be.”

“It’s because I follow all your rules now,” Jason said. “I— I can’t…” He was too little to want to cause fights, and he wanted to make his dad happy, and…

And Bruce had kind of a weird smile on his face and was he… was he laughing?

“Jay,” he said as he brushed his hand over Jason’s hair. “Just today, I caught you climbing on the stair railing, in the den, and in your bedroom. And that was all with you trying to avoid getting caught.”

“Yeah, but— But I was trying to follow the rules, too, Dad, I swear! I just…”

“I know you were, Jaylad. The point I’m trying to make is that it’s not about how well you’re following those rules, okay?” He smoothed down Jason’s hair again, and then planted a kiss on top of it.

With a pout on his face, Jason calmed down a little.

“And what I was trying to say before is that I think I’ve been… overzealous. In some of the rules I’ve put in place. Maybe tomorrow, we can talk about a few ideas so that you can still burn off some steam while staying mostly safe.”

“Swimming?” Jason asked right away. “Because there’s always someone else there anyway, so even if I’m not as good with the cast, I’d still be safe. And that’s why I even have a waterproof cast, right? And, also, remember that swimming always makes me super tired so that’d be really good to burn off energy, right?” And it was fun, but Jason was trying to be really practical and grown up about this so he could convince Bruce.

“I’ll… think about it,” Bruce finally said.

That was all Jason needed to hear for now, so he nodded and let his head rest against Bruce again. They should probably go back in and finish getting ready for his party, but Jason wasn’t ready for that yet. Bruce was playing with his hair in that way that always felt really nice.

“I hope you know… I always did want to be closer to you, Jason. Back before. I just couldn’t figure out how.”

Jason blinked slowly as he let those words soak into him.

“I don’t really know what would have worked, either,” he finally said.

Definitely not this. If he tried to picture the big version of him cuddling up to sit on Bruce’s lap… With another snort, Jason reached his fingers out just far enough that he could hold on to the front of Bruce’s shirt.

“I’m glad it’s like this now.”

“Yeah. I’m glad, too.” His dad trailed his thumb over Jason’s nose before going back to brushing through his hair. “Happy Birthday, Jay.”