Circling Back Around

Alicia was sitting at her desk, trying to finish a closing statement, before moving on to the next case Diane suddenly dumped in her lap. The sudden counsel changes in the middle of trial was becoming more and more frequent. All the evidence or statements were never given to her in time or at all. The older woman’s theories always being pushed, no matter what witnesses or the evidence said. The little notes she did receive usually meant nothing. Most were gibberish or useless facts that wouldn’t be helpful. Cary was experiencing the same with Will down the hall. To Alicia, it seemed, the harder they worked, the less the senior partner’s wanted to do. They were rarely hands on. Only coming in every now and then to give worthless criticism and disappear into a meeting. Cary was getting tired of the treatment and workload faster than she was. It had always been like that since she arrived at Lockhart/Gardner. She was never given the opportunity to leave. She hadn’t wanted to or even thought about it, until Cary brought it up over lunch. Now it was all she could think about. She knew it would be difficult, more work. But they were already doing most of it for someone else.

Alicia was so deep in her thoughts that she jumped when she saw movement from the corner of her eye; heard Kalinda’s agitated voice. She looked up, frozen in her seat for a moment. It was lunch, not a lot or attorney’s or partner’s were left on the floor. She knew Cary and Diane were down the hall, but will left for court and David Lee was in a meeting across town. All the secretaries were gone; Robyn was nowhere in sight. Which Alicia found odd. Since being hired, the young woman had been right on the investigator’s heels.

She watched the intense exchange through her partially open door. She couldn’t hear what they were saying, but by the look on Kalinda’s face, she was both scared and pissed. Her nostrils flaring, her eyes burning into the man like fire. Her back teeth grinding as she nearly snarled at him. The clenched fists at her sides. Her breathing erratic. But she could also see the tension in her shoulders and back. The woman trying to keep her distance every time Nick leaned in or tried to take a step closer. The man had an amused smile on his face, but she could see the anger in his eyes. His sadistic mind spinning for control of his ex-wife once again. Alicia fought to mind her own business, which she knew was what Kalinda was gonna tell her to do, if she came to the rescue. It wasn’t her business anymore. They weren’t friends. They weren’t partner’s going home to each other every night. They weren’t sleeping together anymore. It wasn’t her place to do anything; it was Cary’s. She knew for weeks they were sneaking around. Mostly Kalinda; Cary couldn’t hide anything. She knew the morning after; she overheard them talking in the copy room. The young attorney couldn’t stop smiling and staring at their colleague. The investigator, like usual, acted like nothing happened, but Alicia knew, and the knowledge hurt. It cemented things in her mind that they would never fix what shattered between them.

Alicia was able to hold herself in place, until Nick took a quick step towards the young woman. Kalinda immediately, violently pushing him away. The attorney was out of her chair, office door slamming hard against the glass, as she stormed from her office. Causing Kalinda to jump and take another step back. Nick, not as startled, turned towards Alicia. His eyes dark, his smile gone. She could see his breathing increase, as she closed to space between them quickly. His hands squeezed into tight fists at his sides. The attorney wasn’t ignorant. She knew the details of his abuse towards Kalinda. He had no issue physically overpowering her, beating her. He had no problem doing it in front of witnesses. Somehow he always seemed to dodge charges. The only reason he went to prison was for manufacturing and trafficking cocaine. Nothing to do with abuse or rape. No attempted murder charges. No human trafficking charges. No one could see how violent he was from his background, but Alicia could look at him and sense it.

Just as Kalinda called her name, probably asking her to stop, think about what she was doing. But she wasn’t thinking; not about herself. She was thinking about all the times her ex-partner was laying on the floor covered in blood, and God only knew what other body fluids. All the times she fell asleep and woke up with him hovering over her, assaulting her. All the times he beat her so badly, she ended up unconscious in the hospital. The scars on her back from being beaten with a belt buckle over and over. The night terrors that left her trembling and crying for the rest of the night, barely able to be touched. She was thinking it was time someone protected her. Someone stood between her and the evil in the world. She shoved Nick as hard as she could, taking him off guard, causing him to lose his balance. Alicia was still smaller than Nick, but she was bigger than Kalinda. And unlike the young investigator, the attorney wasn’t afraid of him. Without much thought, she pulled the gun from her back holster. Training over the last year made her extremely confidant with the firearm, Peter insisted she started legally carrying. There were too many incidents of lawyers getting attacked, shot, stabbed during investigations. Too many people hated Peter for her not to take the step to protect herself. She never thought she’d use it on someone. In the back of her mind, it was always a just in case, it wouldn’t happen to her. Then again, what she was doing wasn’t completely legal either. Even though she knew he posed more of a threat than he showed in the moment, the moment was all that mattered in court.

Kalinda froze. Her blood running cold through her vein. Her fingers turning numb and beginning to tingle, as her palms started to pour sweat. Every hair on her body stood up. The adrenaline and blood pumping so fast through her body, she almost thought her legs were going numb. Her gut twisting so violently she thought she’d vomit. She could feel the sweat dripping down her neck and back. She could see the look of confusion on Nick’s face, and pure rage on Alicia’s. Her eyes were dark. Her cheeks flushed. Her jaw set along with her tense shoulders and back. Surprisingly, the attorney’s hands were steady as she held the gun close to his chest. No uncontrollable shake from adrenaline. No movement with every slow, steady breath the older woman took. The woman didn’t even look in her direction when she called her name. She didn’t catch her eyes with any movements. Alicia was too focused, too determined to be distracted. She’d never seen her former partner completely ignore her existence. She’d give dirty looks, make a comment here and there. But she was never so trained on a violent target to not notice her moving closer to her back. She’d never seen the attorney hold a gun. That was what made her go still and silent. She wouldn’t practice with her gun when it was unloaded. She didn’t like that the investigator carried it everywhere. The attorney wouldn’t even go to the shooting range when Kalinda had volunteered to take her; to teach her. From what she now saw, Alicia didn’t need her help.

She could hear Kalinda calling her name, but her eyes never left Nick. She saw the sudden fear in his eyes. Saw him swallow hard, as he froze on the ground. Her gun trained on his chest, her finger NOT on the trigger, but she was almost begging him to give her enough reason. She almost wanted him to lunge at her, pull a gun himself. Threaten to come back later. Anything for her to end it for Kalinda. “I want you off the property immediately, and stay the fuck away from HER,” she growled, something taking over her she’d never felt before. An anger she couldn’t explain. A type of rage she never thought she’d feel. She felt her heart pounding in her neck and chest. The back of her neck was covered in sweat. She had to clench her teeth and breathe through her nose to refrain from panting. She heard what sounded like static in her ears. Her toes and fingers were tingling. She could feel Kalinda moving slowly around her, but didn’t look away. As long as she wasn’t in front of the gun, at the moment, Alicia didn’t care what she did.

She didn’t flinch or tense when Nick sat up. Making no attempt to grab her, no attempt to acknowledge his ex-wife. Just silently challenging Alicia. But she wasn’t Lana, she wasn’t Donna or Cary. She wasn’t even Kalinda. She was a mother first. Her natural instinct was to protect. She could feel it pumping through her blood stream with every movement Nick made. She couldn’t stop it even if she wanted to. She couldn’t back down, because she couldn’t let him win. Not this time. ‘Or what, Mrs. Florrick?’ he asked with a slight smirk. That was the voice on the phone. The call to her apartment she reprimanded Kalinda over. The investigator had always known it was him, but Alicia didn’t really believe it until that moment. His smirk. His attitude. Him thinking he was untouchable, snapped a nerve inside the attorney. She moved over him suddenly, causing him to fall back, taken off guard again. The fear back in his face, as she chambered the first bullet, holding it inches from his chest, finger on the trigger. She didn’t know what her face looked like, but it must have been startling enough for. The man to go completely silent. She couldn’t feel anything for a moment, but pure rage and hatred. She wanted the man dead for so long, she couldn’t remember when the first thought crossed her mind. She wanted to get notification that he was somehow killed in a car accident, meth lab explosion, drug deal gone bad. She even imagined doing it herself after waking to the investigator screaming and crying. Shaking so badly she thought Kalinda was seizing. It was horrific and difficult to watch, knowing she could do anything to stop the pain and fear. “If you contact her again, threaten her, send a friend to pay her a visit; if she shows up with one more fucking bruise, I’ll kill you myself. Meth explosions and bad drug deals happen all the time. No one would fucking blink if you disappeared tomorrow.”

For a moment, all Kalinda could do was hold her breath and pray. Silently beg for Alicia not to pull the trigger. Seeing flashes of the police taking her away. Not getting to call her children or mother. Not getting to explain anything to anyone without being told to shut up. Detectives interrogating her until she wasn’t sure what was true and what they were making up to charge her with more. Tricking her into making statements she didn’t mean. Throwing half facts at her to make it look like she planned to commit murder that morning. Putting her in jail until trial, despite her children needing her, and her unlikeliness of fleeing. The hate for Peter ran deep, even in his own office. She couldn’t help picturing guards strip searching her during in take; screaming at her, announcing the state’s attorney’s wife was being booked. The threats she would receive. The physical and emotional abuse she’d experienced, almost made Kalinda step in front of the gun.

Alicia took a breath, and took a small step back, waiting to see his response. She expected him to get nasty, violent. Expected him to fight back more. Then again, Kalinda hadn’t shoved a gun in his face in a while, if ever, to her knowledge. To her surprise, he nodded and held his hands up as he braced to stand. The attorney still didn’t back down, or let her guard drop. He was unpredictable, Kalinda could confirm that. Instead of lowering her gun, like he probably expected, she followed him; re-centering on his chest. Her grip tight, finger still on the trigger. If she pulled it, she’d mean it anyway. There would be no defending her in court, unless they lied and fabricated. ‘You can’t stop me from seeing my wife, Mrs. Florrick,’ he smirked, still not done taunting her, but pressing the elevator button anyway. She was so close to pulling the trigger. So close to ending the everlasting nightmare for the woman that used to be her best friend. She wouldn’t have to look over her shoulder anymore. She wouldn’t have to run anymore. Worry about strange men coming to her apartment. She could live her life if Nick was gone. She took a deep breath, preparing herself to become a murderer. To possibly spend the rest of her life in prison, away from her children, away from the woman she was protecting. When she felt Kalinda’s hand between her shoulder blades. Felt her breath on the back of her neck. Her perfume filling her nose. ‘Don’t,’ she heard whispered behind her, so quiet she doubted Nick could hear. She could hear the emotion in her voice. The meaning behind the words going far beyond pulling the trigger. She could feel it in her belly. Feeling herself being pulled back into the young woman’s orbit.

Kalinda couldn’t help slowly running the palm of her hand up Alicia’s back. Hoping her touch would be enough to confirm in the attorney’s mind that she was okay. Pulling the trigger wasn’t necessary. When they both went silent for a moment, she really thought Nick would back down. No one had ever shown dominance and authority over him in a situation like Alicia in that moment. She could see she was willing to do anything to make him leave. She wasn’t prepared, but also was surprised when he tried taunting the angry attorney. She didn’t expect the comment from her ex-husband. Confirming they were married, not only exposed her identity, but his past criminal record. If they looked up his full name, real birth date; it was easy to find his burned down home and dead wife . Something Lana did a good job trying to blame him for. She also didn’t expect Alicia to take the bait, shoving her gun closer to his chest; chambering a round. Kalinda felt like her world stood still. Everything slowed down. Her lips tingled as she took a small step closer. Whispering in her former best friends ear. Hoping she would listen. Hoping she could feel the calm breath on the back of her neck, and realizing, killing Nick caused more problems. She could feel the woman’s heart beating through her back. She could feel the sweat soaking through the attorney’s blouse. She couldn’t help closing her eyes, ready to hear the familiar sound of gun fire and a body hitting the ground. She wasn’t ready to lose Alicia. She wasn’t ready for Saturday only visits in a room full of other inmates. She wasn’t prepared for phone calls and emails that were always monitored. Not being able to touch her whenever she wanted.

“Your wife, Lela Tehiri died in a house fire while you were in prison, Mr. Servece. After you spent five years beating and raping her, along with your friends. I can easily request the death certificate from the Canadian authorities if I have to. You tried to orchestrate her murder from prison. Too bad the fire got to her first. Maybe we should call the police and ask them to reopen their investigation. Maybe you did hire someone to set the fire that killed her. If you’re delusional, Mr. Servece, maybe we should call the psychiatric hospital to do an evaluation. Or perhaps the FBI agent that arrested you, that went to interview your wife and came upon a fire before she could get her statement. The one that identified her body through dental records and blood tests. The one that broke the news to you while you were awaiting trial. Or you can just leave,” she snarled, half regretting some of her words when she felt Kalinda’s hand turn into a fist. Twisting the fabric of her blouse. The breaths on her neck coming faster and harsher. She wanted her to stop, but couldn’t say the words out loud. “Go to my office, please,” she mumbled, when Nick didn’t move. The elevator door was open, there was nothing left for him to wait for.

Kalinda couldn’t help feeling reluctant. What if she walked away and Alicia pulled the trigger? What if she just didn’t want the younger woman to watch her ex-husband die? She didn’t know how she’d survive if the woman she still loved went to prison, killed for her. Those feelings are what kept her rooted in place, until she heard the woman say it again. Her shoulders visibly relax, even though she didn’t lower the gun. She didn’t turn around to see what she was doing. For once, Kalinda did exactly what was asked of her. She ran her hand down the woman’s back one last time, before turning and walking towards the woman’s office. She didn’t even look back as she closed the door behind her, turning off the lights as the first symptoms of a migraine began to appear. Her anxiety skyrocketing the second she was alone. Her thoughts racing in circles. She turned on the radio sitting on the small end table next to the couch. Turning down the blinds so she wouldn’t have to see what was happening outside the safety of the older woman’s office. Trying to block out the constant thoughts of Alicia going to prison. Nick going after them. His blood on the carpet and walls. The attorney in cuffs. She wanted to scream, as she threw herself on the couch in the corner. Her hands over her ears, as she tried to calm her pounding heart, the nausea building in her belly. Tried to catch her breath and soothe her building headache. Rubbing her temples and the back of her neck. The pain coursing through her ears. She wanted to stop what was happening in the hall with everything she had, but she couldn’t make herself move. She wanted to pull Alicia from the situation, but she could barely defend herself. How was she supposed to protect the attorney, if she constantly allowed Nick to overpower her and say nothing about it?

Alicia waited ten seconds after she felt Kalinda’s hand disappear from her back. Hoping she’d gone to her office like she asked. She couldn’t go in her own, her path was blocked by their standoff. “Diane! Cary!” she yelled, they might have been at the other end of the hall, elevator and conference room between them, but with it empty the sound carried. She could hear if someone sneezed in that direction during most lunch breaks. If Cary didn’t have his headphones in, if Diane still had her door open, they should hear her. And to her relief, she heard quick heels clicking on the tile. The younger attorney hot on her heels as they rounded the corner to the elevator, both coming to a sudden stop when they saw her gun. But she saw Cary’s focus immediately turn to the man that was standing his ground. A tension washing over his face she’d never seen before; like he knew some of the information Alicia did. ‘What happened?’ Diane asked, tension in her voice, as she took a few steps closer to her. “Mr. Serverce doesn’t seem to take no very well, especially from women. Busted by the FBI and Canadian authorities for meth manufacturing and trafficking. Violent offender that seems to think his dead wife works here.” She didn’t miss the look Cary gave her, confirming he at least knew the bare minimum. Diane had no idea what was going on, but her explanation made anxiety creep into her eyes. Pulling out her cell phone to call the police, or she assumed it was the police. It would be unlikely she would call Will or David Lee, they couldn’t do much. But just as she was giving the dispatcher the address, Cary was shoving Nick into the elevator. ‘Stay the fuck away from her,’ he growled, before pushing the ground floor and stepping out of the elevator just as the doors were closing. Standing so close to the edge, she was surprised the doors didn’t catch his nose. Blocking the man’s only escape until he heard the elevator begin its descent. Alicia watching the numbers, making sure the man didn’t stop and get off on the way down. “Call security, and let them know what’s going on,” she said to the young man scanning the empty office looking for the investigator, but took out his phone as he just paced. “She’s fine, Cary. She just needs some quiet. Give her a few minutes,” she watched the man nod, his face relaxing as he started alerting security to what had happened. Asking them to pull the camera. She felt a little bad for urging him away from the young woman. She was only doing partially to give her the silence and peace she knew she needed; a small part was selfish. She wanted Kalinda to herself. “Diane, let Will and the other partners know. I’m gonna go check on her. Maybe take her home for the day,” she said, receiving a small nod of acknowledgment from the older woman, as she went back to talking to dispatch.

Alicia didn’t immediately barge into her own office. She saw the shades were already drawn and her overhead light was off. This was worse than any nightmare could be. It was reality. She had almost shot Nick in real life, not a dream, not her wishing. She pointed a gun at his chest and was fully comfortable taking the consequences of pulling the trigger. She’d never felt that type of calm in the middle of chaos. She knew on the other side of the door, Kalinda would be sensitive to loud noises, sudden movements. She would be anxious for the next few days. She wouldn’t sleep through the night. She wouldn’t be able to focus during the day. She was probably making herself more anxious thinking and trying to prepare her body for what was to come. Her palms were probably covered in seat. She was probably chewing her bottom lip raw. Rubbing her temples to make the pounding stop. The lights were probably hurting her eyes and head, that’s why they were off. The lights from the hallway were fluorescent and gave her headaches on a regular basis, she doubted they were helping much now; explaining her blinds being closed tight. Alicia would have closed them for privacy anyway, to make the young woman more comfortable. But her radio had been turned up. The only thing that could calm her, drown out the voices in her head, was the constant noise of the television or radio. Anything that forced her mind to focus outside herself. She looked over her shoulder, making sure everyone was still occupied, before taking a slow deep breath and opening her door; closing and locking it quickly behind her. Surprisingly, she was able to ignore the angry, pacing investigator long enough to unchamber the gun and place it on her desk. Now her hands were shaking. Now she felt the shack of what she’d done.

Kalinda could barely hold her rage, as she heard the door open. When she finally made eye contact with her former best friend, her anger started to quickly dissipate. There was no darkness, no blinding rage that could barely be controlled. It was just Alicia. She looked exhausted. She finally saw the tremor in her hands when she laid the gun on her desk. The adrenaline finally calming in her veins. But the fear hadn’t left Kalinda. She could still feel her insides trembling. She couldn’t help screaming, no matter how much her head and body ached. “Have you lost your mind,” she growled, even though her anger was barely simmering at the bottom of her gut. She couldn’t even call it anger, if she was being honest. It was just easier to show anger than fear, anxiety, to cry in front of a woman she had barely spoken to in years.

Alicia couldn’t help but flinch, as Kalinda’s voice filled her ears. Even though she was screaming, sounded furious, all the attorney heard was fear. Even when she looked up, held the woman’s eye contact for the first time, she could see the terror. She couldn’t remember one moment in their past, she ever saw the young woman look that terrified; and she caused it. She didn’t look so afraid of Nick, Alicia felt the need to call the police. He didn’t hit her. He didn’t even threaten her as far as the older woman knew. All anyone would have seen from the outside, is Alicia losing her damn mind. “Probably,” was all she could say. She wouldn’t apologize. She couldn't even think how that would sound. ‘I’m sorry for wanting to protect you? I’m sorry for loving you? I’m sorry for making you go back to him even though I knew he was dangerous.’ She wasn’t sorry for threatening him. She wasn’t sorry for pulling her gun. She still wished she’d pulled the trigger. He wasn’t finished with her yet. He could tell by his hesitation to leave. How he tried to intimidate Alicia. He would be back.

For a moment, Kalinda didn’t even know what to say. She expected an explanation. The woman who made her living off words, decided she didn’t want to use any when it really mattered. She didn’t even know Alicia was still in the office when she was trying to make Nick leave. She thought everyone was at lunch. She checked the halls before pushing him out of her office. She couldn’t remember seeing the attorney’s light on. Or maybe she didn’t want to see it. Maybe she wanted Alicia to come to her rescue? Maybe she wanted to see if the woman that once claimed to love her, would still come to her aid? “When the hell did you get a gun?” That was the only question she could think to ask. The entire time they were friends, partners, the attorney never wanted anything to do with guns. She hated that Peter’s campaign included gun rights. She was always crying, and extra cautious with the children after every school shooting was aired on television. She would rant for hours about more restrictions. HIPPA laws were prohibiting the government, gun sellers from seeing how sick and mentally ill some people are. She never imagined Alicia going out, purchasing and training with a loaded firearm. She couldn’t even picture it in her head. It didn’t look normal. It didn’t feel right.

Alicia was still trying to catch her breath, as she turned to the door, not being able to remember if she locked it. She ran a hand through her hair, trying to gather her spinning thoughts. She kicked off her heels, as she walked around her desk, almost collapsing in her chair. She could believe what she’d done. She couldn’t believe she pulled her gun on someone. She didn’t wake up that morning planning to threaten someone. She didn’t plan to not run unto Nick trying to intimidate his ex-wife. She didn’t even think about it, when she slipped the gun into the back of her slacks. It was such a habit, she rarely remembered it was there. Instinct told her it was, but she no loner noticed the holster when she leaned back in her chair. She’d never pointed it at anything but a paper target since it was purchased. She’d never taken it out of the holster in the office. No one even knew she owned it. “Last year,” she replied, watching the investigator pace. Rubbing her temple and the back of her neck. The attorney knew she was either getting a migraine, or it was already starting to consume her senses. She wanted to ask her to sit down, to please relax, but was it her place? Honestly, Kalinda should be in Cary’s office getting ready to take a shot for the migraine that would only continue to build. She should be letting him take care of her. But the investigator could leave anytime she wanted. Alicia wouldn’t stop her. “Are you okay?” She couldn’t help asking, even though she knew the answer. Of course she wasn’t okay. Nothing about what happened was okay. She was confused, anxious, in pain. The investigator was anything but okay.

Kalinda couldn’t help glaring at the attorney. Even though she wasn’t angry with Alicia, she didn’t know how else to response. She didn’t want to cry and confess she was afraid of her getting hurt. She couldn’t fall into the woman’s arms, still terrified from the thought of her going to prison. She couldn’t kiss her and beg her not to ever put herself in harms way again. They weren’t close anymore. They weren’t friends. They were barely colleagues. She couldn’t read the woman as well as she used to. She couldn’t decipher every facial expression like she once could. She couldn’t read her mind with a simple look, like she always did. “No, I’m not okay,” she couldn’t help but yell louder than she intended. Her own brain and nerves screaming at her to stop. Her stomach churning every time she turned to pace the opposite direction. Her legs begging her to sit. But she didn’t want to get comfortable in a place she knew she wasn’t necessarily wanted. She knew Alicia would eventually kick her out all over again. “I just watched you hold a gun on my ex-husband, almost pull the trigger. The look on your face scared me more than Nick ever could.” Kalinda didn’t mean it. She was angry and terrified. Nick was her worst nightmare. Alicia could never match how much he terrorized her dreams, no matter how many times she threatened to shoot her ex-husband. She wanted to take the words back the moment she saw Alicia flinch. The hurt on her face slowly began melting away the anger. She knew what the attorney did was in good faith, but it was only putting them both in jeopardy again.

The attorney felt like she’d been punched in the stomach. The pictures of Kalinda covered in bruises, blood, and gashes flashed through her mind. All the police reports and trips to the hospital. All the rape exams. The nightmares she had to wake the investigator up from, comfort her from. All the times she didn’t sleep for days, and Alicia never leaving her side. The fear she had seen in her friends eyes then, was almost the same she saw in the hall. The way her body tensed and breath came in hard pants was the same. “I’m sorry, but I’m not,” she said, trying to steady her voice. Never thinking she could scare her former partner more than her ex-husband. She never purposefully hurt her. She never screamed and physically harmed her. She always tried to be loving and comforting. Always made sure she was gentle and reassuring. She felt like she would vomit at the thought of terrifying the younger woman. She felt her throat and eyes burning with tears, that she quickly pushed down. “I can’t be sorry when I know he deserved it. I am sorry I scared you. I never meant to do that,” she exhaled, her fingers rubbing her temples hard, trying to erase the images that continued clouding her mind.

Kalinda felt bad for her words, but Alicia’s actions were unnecessary. She could defend herself. She could take care of herself. She didn’t need anyone taking care of her, even though she secretly loved the attorney’s comforting attention. She didn’t need someone putting themselves in harms way for her, especially someone she still loved. Someone that knew how dangerous of a situation she was putting themselves in. someone that hadn’t spoken to her in months. Someone that told her to stay out of her life. Why was Alicia asserting herself in her personal life now? Why did she pretend to care, after the investigator had begged and pleaded for a year? “What the hell has gotten into you?” she tried not to growl, mostly for the sake of her own building migraine. She couldn’t help placing her hands on the attorney’s desk, forcing her to make eye contact. She could see the pain and confusion. She could see the desperation, and something else she refused to acknowledge. “I told you to stay out of it,” she said with force, almost digging her nails into the wood. She didn’t tell Alicia to leave it alone because it was her life. All she could think to do to protect her former partner was to keep her at a distance while Nick was in town. She’d experienced what he was capable of, she didn’t want Alicia to find out. She didn’t want him breaking into her apartment and torturing her, possibly going after Grace; hurting Zach. Her politician ex-husband wasn’t gonna protect her from a psychopath that didn’t care about consequences.

It wasn’t that the attorney didn’t understand the seriousness of what she’d involved herself in. Lana had warned her over and over again not to engage. The FBI agent reminding her how violent he was, how much he hated women, and how much he wanted his ex-wife dead. He would do anything to make her disappear. Alicia tried to calm the rage and frustration and fear burning inside her veins, but as her eyes wandered down Kalinda’s neck, it inflamed again. “Since when do you disappear for days? Not returning Will or Diane’s calls? Not show up to meetings, late for work, late for court,” she said calmed that she expected. Probably because the younger woman had done nothing wrong. She was a victim and lashing out, again. She’d been assaulted and beaten again. Violated. Terrorized. Alicia could see it in her emotionless eyes.

Kalinda didn’t just disappear for days without a word. She never ignored their bosses calls. She still didn’t ignore HER calls. She still answered every text and phone call. The investigator kept her phone, charging on her night stand. It wasn’t that she couldn’t hear the phone the last three days. She was the most dependable person at Lockhart/Gardner. She was never late in the years Alicia worked with her. Even Peter said she was always the investigator his lawyers could depend on. Worked longer hours than most of the courthouse. When she called Lana and confirmed she couldn’t get through either; said it wasn’t like Kalinda to disappear. It wasn’t like her not to eventually respond back. That worried Alicia more as the days passed.

For the first time in their friendship, relationship, the investigator had a difficult time maintaining eye contact. She knew the older woman could see through her lies. She knew Alicia could read her body like an open book. She couldn’t hide anything, she never could, that didn’t mean she wouldn’t try. The only way to keep the woman safe, was to push her away. To stay angry. To make the attorney hate her again. It broke what was left of her heart. She wanted the comfort. She wanted the protection Alicia’s arms always provided, but she couldn’t. She shouldn’t even want to. Cary was right outside the door, and she didn’t care. She couldn’t force herself to move. She didn’t want his comfort, it was never the same. “My life is none of your damn business, she hissed in frustration and pain, as she moved away from the desk. Her entire body ached. Her shoulders and the back of her head were bruised. Her joints felt like she’d run a marathon. But she couldn’t let her colleague see it. She tried to acct like every step wasn’t sending jolts of pain through her hips. She wanted to lay down and never get up. “He already suspected I was closer to you than I should be for a colleague. Now you’ve given him every reason to come after you,” she said with a little more emotion and less anger. Remembering the look on Nick’s face when she hung up the phone with Alicia. He knew. She couldn’t hide it in her voice, her body. Knowing someone was looking for her, checking on her, worried for her was enough to push her through. The moment she heard her former lovers voice, was the only relief from her three days of hell. “I told you how dangerous he was and you put a big target on your back,” she said a little calmer, but her anger was still boiling. Especially when the woman laughed. The investigator didn’t see the humor in knowing a predator was hunting them.

Alicia almost laughed. He had been in her office multiple times, Will’s as well. He had seen them interact. He’s seen the attorney watching her a half a dozen times. Was obviously with her when she called the apartment looking for the investigator. He had heard how they spoke to each other. It wasn’t like talking with Will or Diane. Even though they weren’t friends, weren’t in a relationship, there was a tenderness to their words now. A softness only they shared. And if it hadn’t been a dozen clues within his eye shot, he probably saw some of her things still in Kalinad’s closet. Pictures hanging on the wall. Lingerie that was never returned. A gun in his face, wasn’t the first clue. “He already called me. I’m pretty sure I was already in his sights. At least now, he knows I’m not afraid to pull the trigger,” she sighed, brushing her hair back, as it stuck to her face. Closing her eyes and rubbing her temples, as Kalinda began to pace again.

For a moment, all the investigator could hear was the sound of the gun exploding, Nick falling to the ground, sirens. Police officers screaming, or maybe it was her. Cary telling her to stay back. It was like a memory that hadn’t happened yet. Everything could have changed in a second, and Alicia didn’t seem to care. The young woman could see she wasn’t herself. Her head was pounding from the adrenaline wearing off. Her foot was bouncing on the floor from building anxiety. She didn’t want to be angry anymore. She didn’t want to scream and fight; add to the attorney’s pain. But she needed her to understand what she’d done. The danger they were now in. the wedge she was terrified would separate them further. “So you can go to prison? Have you been drinking, this isn’t you,” she said, as she paced the room again. She couldn’t stand over Alicia, while she looked like she’d given up. She wasn’t trying to dominate the situation, she was trying to metaphorically shake the sense back into her.

Alicia leaned back in her chair, dimming the lamp sitting on her desk. She knew if the glare was bothering her, it was definitely causing the younger woman’s migraine to worsen. The attorney knew she could come up with a thousand explanations that would justify what she’d done. She could lie. She could say she did it for herself. But she didn’t want to lie to her best friend anymore. She didn’t want to hide how she felt. She didn’t want Kalinda to feel any less than the most important person in her life. “I regretted sending you away to handle yourself. I KNEW what could happen and I let you go anyway,” she said, feeling the guilt overcome her again. Alicia couldn’t pretend she didn’t know what the man was capable of. Pretend she hadn’t seen the photos and memorized every doctor’s report. Every injury Nick had ever inflicted on her former partner, was permanently imprinted on her mind. Her own nightmares had returned since Kalinda identified him. She saw the beatings, the assaults, heard the screams so loud in her ears, she swore it was happening in the next room every time she jerked awake. The investigator’s cries and pleas filled the air around her, even after the nightmare was over. Every time she closed her eyes, that’s all she saw anymore, and she didn’t know how to make it stop. “I didn’t protect you then, but I can now,” she said with a little more determination and belief. If it meant her last breath, she would make sure Kalinda was safe. That she would never had to worry about someone kicking down her door again, picking her locks. She wouldn’t have to worry if someone was waiting in the shadows.

The investigator wanted to let down the walls. She wanted to unguard her heart. If Alicia wanted to protect her, Kalinda wanted to let her. No one had ever protected her, put themselves in the line of fire without wanting something. Her former friend never wanted anything. She never pushed for the truth. She never asked questions. She never judged; until the day she did. Even after that devastating day, she could still see Alicia watching her. Passing by her office one too many times a day. Asking Will if she was okay. That made her cling on to hope, that one day, Alicia would choose her again. But she couldn’t make the wall break. She couldn’t make her heart unfreeze. She didn’t even know if her former lover even could anymore. “I don’t need you to protect me,” she lied, feeling her body rejecting the words. Her skin covered in sweat below her long sleeve. Wishing she could strip it off, but she knew if she did, Alicia would explode. She had a hard time catching her breath. She understood the woman’s guilt. She understood the empathy and compassion the attorney had, but it wouldn’t help them. She could have asked her if everything was okay when Nick left. She probably wouldn’t have told her the truth, but she wouldn’t have waited two minutes for the elevator. She wasn’t thinking about all the abuse she’d suffered in the last three days. She couldn’t remember most of it anyway. But ti wasn’t something she hadn’t lived through before. It wasn’t something she didn’t know how to process. Was she terrified? Yes. Did she want to vomit every time she closed her eyes and saw him above her? Absolutely. She felt used. She felt disgusting. But she knew how to deal with it, and it wasn’t her former partner shooting him. “I’m fine,” she groaned, trying to make it seem as if she were aggravated, in reality, she was in pain. Standing was uncomfortable, walking and sitting were worse. She could barely life her arm over her head. She knew Alicia could see it. Fortunately, she wouldn’t be in the older woman’s presence for much longer.

The attorney couldn't help but scoff and roll her eyes, as she finally dropped her hands. She knew what her face looked like. She’d given Peter the same look a thousand times, but never felt it with Kalinda; until now. Her face screamed, ‘you’re lying’. She could see it in the woman’s body, the way she stiffly moved. How she covered every inch of skin. How her makeup was a little different. The slight bruising and cuts on her hands she couldn’t cover. The broken nails. Everyone knew something was going on for days. Everyone was whispering and gossiping about the younger woman. She was asked multiple times what was going on? Cary nearly harassed her to try and talk to his girlfriend. She should have. She should have cornered the woman in the bathroom. She should have gone to Kalinda’s apartment. She should have called in favors with Peter or Lana. Alicia knew more about the investigator’s past and should have taken in more seriously. “Obviously you’re fine,” she said far more sarcastic than the attorney intended, but didn’t try to take it back, when Kalinda suddenly stopped pacing. Maybe they needed to fight. Maybe if they got past there anger from their previous mistakes, they could trust each other again.
The younger woman suddenly stopped in front of the woman’s desk. The look on the attorney’s face nearly knocked her back. The blaze of fire in her eyes, the sarcasm in her voice, the grinding back teeth; she could see the lie. But that didn’t mean she had to tell the truth. She didn’t have to tell Alicia anything, even though her heart ached for her to. She wanted to tell her everything that happened in the last three days. She wanted to finally cry and scream; knowing she wouldn’t be judged or silenced. But she was still afraid of being rejected, turned away. “What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked, giving the same intense look in return. Crossing her arms over her chest. Feeling the pain in her shoulder intensify, but refused to flinch.

Alicia could see Kalinda knew exactly what she was talking about. The investigator could lie and trick a lot of people, not the attorney. She had spent too much time with the woman not to know every little facial expression, body movement. The young woman couldn’t even hold eye contact, despite the pseudo strength she tried to display. “Nice weather for a turtleneck,” she replied a little quieter, shaking her head at the ridiculousness they’d found themselves in once again. The fact that she didn’t think it wouldn’t be noticed by everyone in the firm, proved how preoccupied Kalinda’s mind had become. Would anyone but Alicia push the subject, definitely not. She doubted Cary would even question her.

Kalinda knew she could only hold out bursting into tears for so long. The more Alicia pried, the more she felt the terror and need for comfort bubbling to the surface. She didn’t want to continue lying, but what were her options? Tell the attorney what happened and risk her shooting Nick? Or worse, the man coming after her if she missed? Why would she risk that? Instead, she lied. “You know I’m always cold, Alicia. I don’t know what you’re insinuating...” she tried to ask, but was immediately cut off by the older woman.
“I’m not insinuating anything, I’m outright saying it. You’re covered in bruises,” she said with more bite to her voice. The anger boiling in her belly. Her nails digging into her thigh. She wanted to hunt the man down, watch the light fade from his eyes. She wanted it to be painful. She wanted him to feel the same terror and agony Kalinda felt for all these years.

The young woman only froze for a few seconds, trying to process what Alicia had said. How would she knew what her body looked like, she hadn’t seen it in years. She had made sure before she left the apartment, the car, that everything was covered. She did as much as she could with the makeup she had, but it wasn’t enough. The turtleneck and dark pantie hose was her last resort, even if she was on fire. Alicia could only be guessing, but the look on her face was the same when she won a case in court. She KNEW in her gut she was right. But Kalinda was terrified to confirm it. She still saw the attorney holding the gun when she closed her eyes. What else would she do? Why was she so angry now? “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she snarled, looking away as Alicia’s glare intensified.

Alicia knew why she was pushing so hard, she still loved Kalinda. She never stopped loving her. She just replaced all that passion she had with anger. She wanted to know the truth. When she’d decided to intervene in the hallway, she never thought about reconciling with her former partner. She didn’t wake up that morning believing it was a possibility to have the young woman back in her life. Now, that’s all she wanted. If she continued pushing and fighting, Kalinda would stay and defend herself, hopefully, eventually breaking down. Or she would leave and disappear again. But what did Alicia have to lose? “Really? Roll up your sleeves,” she said, as if she were asking the woman to pass her a file. Like it was something normal. She watched Kalinda tense and pull down her sleeves further. Gripping the hems in tight fists. That was all she needed to know it was worse than she already knew. But she continued to push. “Better yet, pull down your collar and I’ll leave it alone,” she offered, leaning back in her chair, glancing at the woman’s covered neck and arms. She doubted she would leave Kalinda alone. She was ready to beg her to come back to her home. To stay in her bed and let the attorney take care of her like she used to.

Kalinda could feel the tears building in her throat. She could feel her stomach drop. She felt the familiar magnetic pull she always felt in the attorney’s presence. But instead of giving in, she backed away from the desk. “I don’t have to explain anything to you,” she growled, mostly because she didn’t know what else to do, but she was tired of trying to lie to the one person she knew could see through it. Nothing she had to say would convince Alicia she was wrong. Nothing would change her mind, because it was true. “You didn’t want me in your life. You told me to stay away. Do us both a favor and stay out of mine,” she snapped, turning her back and heading for the door. She didn’t know where she was going. She couldn’t go back to her apartment. She couldn’t go home with Cary, she couldn’t risk him seeing her body until the bruises and cuts were gone. She considered Lana a possibility. She knew the FBI agent would allow her to stay as long as she wanted. She would comfort her just enough. She wouldn’t mention the bruises. The more she thought about Lana, the more she realized, she was describing Alicia as well, and it made her pause at the door. All she wanted to do was curl up and disappear. She wanted to hide. She wanted to pretend nothing happened.

Alicia knew by the pause at the door, she was breaking down that steel wall Kalinda spent every waking minute making stronger. She saw the slow deep breaths. She knew the woman wasn’t as angry as she pretended to be. She was scared and wanted comfort, but didn’t know how to ask. She didn't know if the attorney would turn her away. And Alicia didn’t know how to reassure her, she wouldn’t. “Go ahead. I’m sure Diane and Will are waiting for an explanation,” she continued to jab. Watching Kalinda brace a hand against the door, lean her forehead against the metal frame. She could see the woman’s brain and heart fighting and trying to make a decision. She could see the spinning conflicting thoughts inside her head. She felt her heart ache at the anxiety she was causing. She felt like an abuser trying to get the response she knew the investigator wanted to give. She didn’t know if it was right. It was starting not to feel worth it. She would rather be without the younger woman in her life, than be one of the many partners that couldn’t stop. That didn’t respect boundaries. A small part of her, however, hoped the outcome would bring them both peace. “Cary’s probably pacing, waiting to comfort you. But we both know you won’t let him,” she let slip past her lips without thinking. They both knew it was true. The most she would give Cary on her way out would be a simple I’ll call you later.
Kalinda swallowed hard. Of course Alicia knew she wouldn’t risk opening the door with everyone waiting for her. She didn’t want or intend to answer any questions. She had to tell Will and Diane something. They didn’t know her story. She had never seen a reason to share it with them, nor did she trust them enough. She was an employee, not their friend. She was an employee, not their friend. She had to come up with an excuse for Cary. She had no intention of telling him anything. She didn’t want him near her at the moment. She didn’t want him touching her, trying to comfort and cuddle her. And as much as he tried, he would never be able to give her what she needed. “You’re making it worse,” she said a little calmer, turning back around and leaning against the door frame. Rubbing a hand down her face, not caring if her makeup smudged. She would be taking it off soon anyway. There was no way she could work the rest of the day. She couldn’t wander the streets, alone, with Nick walking around; likely looking for her. Waiting for her to leave the building. She was sure he hadn’t gone far. “You have no idea what you’ve done,” she said a little quieter, releasing a frustrated sigh. Chewing on the inside of her cheek, as the older woman continued staring at her face. Her eyes never wavering. She knew Nick wasn’t just gonna leave her alone because he was threatened. She knew the attorney did very little to deter his next attack. That reality didn’t seem to penetrate Alicia’s mind. She didn’t seem to consider the consequences and the danger she now put the investigator in.

Alicia knew she made the Nick situation a thousand times worse than it would have been if she left it alone. She believed Kalinda had a plan. But she wasn’t willing to lose her in order to wait for the plan to run its course. What if she let her leave, and she never saw the young woman again? She would never know if he killed her or if she disappeared on her own. “I’m fixing what I started,” she replied, taking all the responsibility of Nick being in the building on herself. It was her fault. She felt uneasy about him when they first met, and she had no idea who he was at the time. She’d never seen a photo or mug shot, obviously, Cary hadn’t seen one either by the shocked look on his face at the elevator. She never bothered trying to see what he looked like, probably because it would make her own nightmares worse. It would give a face to the violence. Now, his face was stuck in her head forever. “I called him. I took him on as a client,” she continued explaining a story that didn’t matter anymore. But if she hadn’t returned his first phone call, she could have slowed him down getting close to her former girlfriend. She could have called him back and told him they didn’t have any available attorneys. She could have gone to Will and had him back her up. If she confided it was for Kalinda’s safety, he wouldn’t hesitate to ban him from the building. But she stayed quiet. “I pissed him off. He called my apartment,” she said a little more guarded, as her former partner stiffened. She should have never told her about the phone call. She should have gone to Diane and Will. She could have called Peter, it wasn’t like he didn’t see the same file as she did. He knew about Nick. Knew how violent he was. Her ex-husband could have made it all go away. But when would be the next time he showed up for another round of torture? How long until he killed Kalinda for the money she took? “I sent you to fix MY problem,” she said in defeat. No matter how the young woman wanted to spin it, she brought the problems and threats on herself. She had options, and did nothing. Now, she would do anything and everything she could to keep her ex partner alive.

It didn’t matter how Alicia felt. Kalinda knew she brought the last beating on herself. If she would have given him the money or left it where he told her to before he went to prison, he never would have cared about her. The attorney didn’t know Nick was her husband until after the third or fourth meeting. And it wasn’t until Alicia started noticing her behavior. She avoided being on the floor at every meeting. Refused to help the older woman with his business issue. And refused to answer any questions, until she couldn’t. None of it was her former partners problems. She had her own life to fret over. There was no need for her to worry about the investigator, especially if she wasn’t gonna let her back in her life. “He’s my husband, Alicia, I can fix this. I can handle him better than anyone,” she said, swallowing hard, knowing it was a lie. She couldn’t handle him at all. It was as if her entire personality changed in three days. All the fight she had in her had faded. She wasn’t quick to respond or try to stop his assaults. She could have shot him a dozen times in the last three days. She could have taken him somewhere, killed him and left the body to rot, but she didn’t. She still couldn't figure out why she didn’t end it for herself. Why she didn’t put a bullet in his head. It would have been more than. No one would come looking for him. His parents were dead and he had no siblings. His grandparents were in their late eighties the last she saw them, nearly a decade ago. He had no real friends. He would be just another dead criminal in Chicago. But somehow, she still allowed him to control a part of her.

Alicia didn’t care who Nick was. It didn’t matter if he was Lela’s ex-husband. It wouldn’t matter if Cary or a stranger acted the same way, they would all get the same reaction from her. And obviously, Kalinda couldn’t handle him herself, or she wouldn’t be covered in bruises. She wouldn’t have been raped over and over again. The younger woman didn’t have to say it for the attorney to see it. It was visible in the way she walked, carried herself, the way she almost refused to sit. And the more she thought about what was hidden under Kalinda’s clothes, the more she wished she pulled the trigger. She could have have her case moved out of Chicago. The Florrick name could buy her a lot of thins outside the jurisdiction Peter had ruined their name in. her ex-father in law was friends with a lot of people. Her own father had a lot of judge friends that were still sitting on the bench in New York City. In her mind, she had a pretty god chance of getting off. “And Peter was my husband. I should have fixed that problem years before he could have met you, and I failed then too. I’m done failing,” she said with an aggravated sigh. She didn’t want to kill her ex-husband. She wanted to go back in time and threaten divorce sooner to force him to stay home. She wanted to call him out on all the affairs before Kalinda ever started working for the courthouse. Maybe he would have started his own practice like she’d suggested a few dozen times. She should have done anything, to keep him from abusing her more. “I knew something had happened then, and I still did nothing,” she said in disgust. She was disgusted and ashamed of herself. She saw all the signs that something was wrong. She could feel in the way he avoided her eye contact, questions, locked the bathroom door behind him, and didn’t come out for over an hour. How he refused to look at her when he came out. He grabbed his clothes and slept in his home office. He wasn’t home when she got up the next morning. If she could hold the memory of that early morning he’d returned home, the drops of blood on his shirt, the smell of what she now knew was Kalinda’s perfume on his jacket; it was possible she’d be in prison for life. She thought about those details over and over during their time apart, and her mind never changed. If she had known what he’d done, knew the investigator as intimately as she did now, she would have killed him that morning.

Kalinda didn’t know how to respond for a moment. Her interaction with Peter was the last thought in her mind. She wasn’t concerned about the state’s attorney. She agreed to what happened, there was nothing anyone could do to change it anyway, why did it matter anymore? And then she saw the knowing look on the attorney’s face. The investigator had never told her what happened that night. They weren’t in the same room long enough for her to explain before Alicia was lashing out. She didn’t think her version of that night would matter. It was easier saying she was fine, than to admit she never wanted to go to that hotel room. That she said stop and asked him to slow down. It was easier pretending it was consensual, than to admit she was abused again. By someone she had to continue working with, and watch him abuse other, much younger woman. She didn’t know how Alicia came to her own conclusions, probably Lana, but it was a slight relief that she finally saw what really happened, without her saying a word. And she still refused to talk about it. It was still easier fighting about a violent psychopath. “You’re gonna get us both killed. I had a plan. All I needed was two more days, and he wouldn’t bother us anymore,” she said a little more whinny than she meant. It was an easy plan. It would have looked like an accident. He wasn’t supposed to leave Canada in the first place. Everyone would just assume he was trafficking again. Now what was she supposed to do?

Alicia didn’t care what Kalinda’s plan was. She didn’t care if she planned every single detail until the plan was full proof. The investigator could have killed the man a hundred times, and never went through with it. She honestly didn’t think the younger woman was capable of killing anyone. “And it takes less than a minute for him to kill you and dump your body where we wouldn’t find it,” she said, feeling her heart ache at the thought. She saw the pictures of her body floating in the river, hidden in an abandoned building, rotting. Nick could have killed her this morning, and no one, but Alicia, would have known where to start looking. How long would it have taken for her to be missing, before anyone tried to find her real address? How many days did she have to be missing before they called the police? How long before they took her seriously? “I’m not letting him hurt you anymore. I’m not letting you put yourself at risk for my mistakes,” she said, with the same tone she used when Zach and Grace refused to listen the fourth time. Grabbing her purse from the floor, fishing around in the dark, endless bag, until she found the Excedrin bottle she was looking for. Dumping a few white pills into her hand. Tossing them in her mouth, as she unscrewed the top of the bottle of water on her desk. Instead of putting the bottle back in her purse, she pushed it across her desk, silently offering a little relief from the pounding in the investigator’s head.

Kalinda didn’t take the offer. Nothing Alicia had in her office would stop the growing migraine and nausea. She needed the medication in HER office. She needed the ice mask in her mini fridge. She needed a scolding shower to loosen the muscles and nerves in her neck and shoulders. The attorney could do very little to help her, until they were able to leave. “You think you can protect me, but you can’t. No one can,” she tried to say without her voice shaking. It wasn’t true. Anyone could protect her. Anyone could shoot Nick. Anyone could have him arrested. Call the Canadian authorities. Call the FBI. She couldn’t say she would ask or call for help. She refused to put anyone else at risk. She didn’t love Lana, but she cared enough to not want her killed. She didn’t want Will and Diane to know what was going on to keep them safe. Will would let his anger blind any rational decision, and Diane would panic, calling everyone she knew.

Alicia could see her former partner didn’t even believe the words she said. Everyone that knew Kalinda, could and would protect her at all cost. “Six bullets and twelve months of practice says otherwise,”she said, calmer than she felt. She wouldn’t say she didn’t want to kill him; she did. She would admit it to anyone that asked. She didn’t want him to leave anymore. She didn’t want him to promise never to come back. She didn’t want a restraining order or the cops to pick him up. She wanted him dead. She thought it would bother her, it probably should have, but it didn’t.

Kalinda took a moment to catch her breath, let her frustration and aggravation settle to the back of her mind. The look on the attorney’s face was a mix of determination and fear. She could read her face like it was her own expressions. She could see the darkness in her eyes. The older woman wanted to kill Nick herself, and hse was comfortable with the consequences. She’d seen Lana carry the same look after her one night with Peter. It sent a chill down her spine, caused goosebumps to cover her skin. “I still have to live my life, Alicia. They’re not gonna arrest him, I pushed him on camera,” she minded, bracing her hands on the woman's desk again. Not in aner, but to maintain eye contact. Trying to get the smartest woman she’d ever met, to understand she was in more danger now than three days ago. Nick would hunt her down just for having a relationship with someone else. “What if he comes back to my apartment? Have you thought about that?” she asked, when Alicia’s face didn’t change. Kalinda knew it was never a what if with Nick; he would be back. And she didn’t know if she had three more days of abuse in her.

It was the fear and building tears in the investigator’s eyes that caused her to soften. The trembling chin that she tried to cover. The shaky breath she assumed the attorney couldn’t hear. It took everything Alicia had to not jump from the chair and pull Kalinda into her safe embrace. Instead, she let her own emotions seep to the surface. “I have thought about nothing but him coming into your apartment,” she said with a shaky breath. She didn’t hide the fact that she had to swallow hard to clear the emotions from her throat. The tears that were building in her eyes from fear and defeat. She didn’t want to hide how she felt, she wanted Kalinda to see how much she cared. She wanted her to know someone still loved her enough to die for her. “The nightmares I have when that door opens, makes me want to never leave you alone again,” she said, as a few tears fell. For a moment, she let them. Let Kalinda watch them slid down her face. Watching the steel walls get lower and lower around the younger woman’s heart. Watching the defenses fade. She didn’t try to wipe the tears, until more started to fall. “I know he’s gonna come back. I know I should have pulled the trigger and saved us both a lot of anxiety later,” she said, leaning in her chair. Feeling no remorse for her words. Not even when the younger woman’s face fell.

The thought of Alicia being taken away from her, nearly made the tears fall. Even if they hadn’t been physically together in years, the thought of not being able to touch her, see her face to face whenever she wanted, ripped her heart apart. “So I can visit you in prison for the next twenty years,” she said, harsher than expected as she felt her voice break. She felt her entire body break out in sweat, as a cold chill ran through her veins. “That’s anxiety. That’s the definition of trauma. I can’t see you locked away for me,” she tried not to babble, but her heart was hammering in her chest at the thought of her former girlfriend, as an inmate. They would have to keep her in protective custody. She would be alone all day, every day. The guards probably wouldn’t speak to her, or would treat her worse than a normal inmate because of Peter. She was at a higher risk of attack, sexual assault, glass in her food, a set up going down the hallway. She wouldn’t be safe behind bars.

“I never asked you to visit me,” she said with little emotion, and regretted it when she watched Kalinda’s chin tremble, as she looked away. Hiding the fact her heart was shattering in her chest. Hiding the tears that fought to fall. Alicia meant her words, but didn’t mean it the way the younger woman obviously took them. But she didn’t try to take them back, either.

A deafening silence filled Alicia’s office. It felt like all the oxygen had been sucked from the room. The few tears that managed to fall before Alicia brushed them away, broke something inside Kalinda, she didn’t know still existed. The look of complete acceptance was near devastating. It caused her breath to catch, her chest ache. All thought of Nick and the last three days she experienced were gone. Her seventy-two hours of torment, didn’t emotionally break her like the thought of Alicia being taken from her did. “You think I’d be able to stay away?” she asked, her eyes finally wandering back to the woman she still loved more than herself. The moment their eyes connected, Kalinda felt the familiar jolt of electricity she’d ignored and pushed down for years. She felt their natural connection reappear. She wouldn’t be leaving the room without Alicia. She wouldn’t be giving up what they still had without a fight.

Alicia wouldn’t expect anyone to give up a good portion of their lives, time, money; for a mistake she knowingly made. She wouldn’t hold it against Kalinda for moving on, disappearing to start over again. That was the point, for her to be free and happy. Not tied down to someone that couldn’t be with all the time. “I don’t expect anything from you,” she whispered, looking up and catching the investigator’s brown eyes again. She felt her heart warm. She felt the emotional pull that attracted her to the woman the first day they met.

Kalinda didn’t want to talk about the possibility of Alicia going to prison. She didn’t even want to think about it. She didn’t want the attorney feeling she had no one that cared. That she had already lost her somehow. She wanted to fix them. She wanted to leave the office, knowing she had her partner. “How’d you know about the bruises?” she asked softly, holding the older woman’s gaze, as a surprised look passed across her features. She couldn’t lie if she wanted Alicia back. She couldn’t hide if she wanted the relationship they had before. When she could tell her partner anything and everything, and the way the attorney looked at her never changed. The ways he touched and loved her never wavered. Her own anger never got in the way of how Alicia cared for her. She missed the unconditional love and patience. The soft touches and kisses.

It was obvious to everyone something was wrong with the investigator. Not showing up to meetings and being late for work, wasn’t the only clue Kalinda gave away. Not answering the phone or returning messages wasn’t the only evidence they had to call her out. “You don’t wear turtlenecks,” she said, her eyes wandering over the younger woman’s outfit once again. It wasn’t how she knew what was beneath the lawyers of unfamiliar clothing. She could have been wrong, if she hadn’t accidentally seen them.
Kalinda couldn’t help the half smile that appeared. Almost rolling her eyes in amusement. Either Alicia was only guessing she had bruises or she just tricked her into admitting it. She couldn’t have seen them. They hadn’t been alone together since their fight in the conference room, the day after Alicia broke off their relationship. She hadn't seen her naked since the day before that. They didn’t go anywhere at the same time, including the bathroom. She knew which one the attorney used, the investigator purposefully went to the end of the building to avoid any awkward confrontations. “You’re good, Alicia, but you’re not that good,” she said, biting her bottom lip. A little of the tension in her shoulders and back loosened. If the attorney knew, it made things a little easier. If she was speculating, at least she was preparing herself for the marks she was about to see.

Alicia held back for a moment. She didn’t want to embarrass Kalinda. She didn’t want the woman she loved to feel self conscious. Or fearful someone else had accidentally seen what she tried to hide. But the slight smile on the investigator’s face, her eyes a little brighter for a half second, her defenses melted. Her willingness to lie, faded into the background. “You didn’t lock the door to the ladies room yesterday. I guess you thought you did,” she started, watching the slight blush appear across Kalinda’s cheeks. She knew the younger woman used the bathroom across the building, one few bothered to walk to, to avoid her. The investigator didn’t want them alone together, and how could Alicia blame her. She treated her awful, every chance she got. The attorney only went to the other bathroom, because the janitors waxed the floor. “You were changing your shirt. I saw the bruises, but stepped out because I thought it wasn’t my business,” she confessed, only looked away when Kalinda finally broke eye contact. The realization that she knew everything finally setting in. the smile slowly disappearing from her face. The slight playfulness gone from her eyes, as quickly as it appeared. It was embarrassment. She’d seen it every time the woman woke her up because of a nightmare. When she had to stay up for days at a time comforting the investigator. She felt ashamed.

Kalinda remembered thinking she heard the door creak open, but swore it was in her mind. She never forgot to lock the door. She always double checked. But with everything going on inside her head, she knew it was possible she unlocked it when she thought she turned it the other way. No sleep and constant anxiety made her brain run in circles. “It’s not your problem,” she whispered, only looking away when she felt the blush deepen in her cheeks. She was embarrassed for what she allowed to happen. She was ashamed for allowing herself to be dominated again, after fighting so hard to build a new life. She felt pathetic. She didn’t understand why the older woman felt sorry for her, why she showed so much empathy. She wasn’t even changing her shirt. She was switching bras because the underwire was rubbing over bruises under her breasts.

Alicia remembered standing in the bathroom doorway, seeing the aftermath of Nick’s abuse in real time. Not hearing about Kalinda’s past. Not listening to her talk in her sleep, or recount events after a traumatic nightmare. She felt the fear radiating off the woman’s body from across the room. She saw the painful tension, as she slowly moved. She remembered vomiting in her office trash can, when the door was finally locked behind her. She cried for an hour. Refused to open the door. Making every excuse to be alone with her own tortuous thoughts. She deserved it. Every bruise and scratch on Kalinda’s body, was her fault. “But it is,” she said a little stronger, but quieter. The day she told the young investigator she loved her the first time, she took a silent vow to protect her. To take on her problem. To absorb her fear and pain. To repair the damage Nick had done. She craved to take care of Kalinda. She deserved to be catered to, given constant affirmation and affection. She’d been through enough trauma. Alicia wanted nothing more than for her to heal and be happy. Not worry about the past catching up with them. That was her responsibility. “I care about you. I care what happens to you. And if you won’t let Cary protect you...”

“He can’t protect me,” she let slip before she had time to pull in her thoughts. But the confession caught Alicia’s attention. Her eyes bright green and shinning. It always reminded the investigator of a beautiful slow moving river. Kalinda could always get lost in the attorney’s soothing gaze. “I can’t even tell Cary everything. He gets too angry. It’s took familiar. I just don’t talk about it,” she continued quietly, feeling a slight weight leave her chest. She didn’t want to talk to Cary. She didn’t appreciate when he tried to comfort her or ask questions. It felt like prying, not concern. When she did confide things, his anger shut her down quickly. She wouldn’t deal with someone else’s unwarranted emotions, when she couldn’t deal with her own that actually mattered in that moment. Anger did nothing for her. Threatening Nick while she was crying from a nightmare, only made her shrink in on herself further. Alicia was the only one that never changed. She never flinched. She never threatened. She only held and comforted. That was all she needed.

The attorney knew Cary wouldn’t be able to give Kalinda what she needed. She needed patience. She needed calm, quiet understanding. She needed someone mature enough to put their own emotions to the side, to prioritize what the investigator needed. Cary couldn’t do it. He couldn’t even hide his anger and frustration in court, let alone when no one was watching. He wasn’t a bad guy. He just wasn’t emotionally enough for the younger woman. “Talk to me, Kalinda, please,” she nearly begged without shame. She wanted to know every detail of what happened the last three days. She wanted to hear every ounce of pain her former partner wanted and needed to share. She wanted to absorb her fear, like it was her own. She wanted Kalinda to want to lean on her again. “I want you to trust me like you use to,” her voice breaking at the end, causing a flash of hurt to appear on the investigator’s face. She wanted to be her confidant again. She wanted to be the person Kalinda searched for, when she needed support. She wanted their late nights and long weekends back. She wanted to be able to pick up the phone and know the young woman would be there. She wanted her to tell every secret. She wanted to know the investigator was asleep and safe, next to her in bed every night.

It did hurt, knowing Alicia thought she didn’t trust her, when she was the only person Kalinda ever trusted. She could tell her anything without hesitation. She could expose her soul without feeling vulnerable. “I do trust you, Alicia,” she said with more emotion than she was able to express in years. There was only two things she kept from the attorney during their time together; Peter and Nick. Everything else, the older woman knew. She couldn’t disclose what happened with Peter without losing Alicia; and that’s what happened. It wouldn’t have mattered if she said anything or not. She could see it on her partner’s face. Their relationship would have been over no matter when she knew the truth. Kalinda had felt lucky at the time, to get as many years as she did. She ever begged Alicia to come back. She never tried to talk about what happened. It was over. And two years of the investigator holding in every emotion preceded. She couldn’t tell anyone anything. She wanted Alicia. That was the only person she wanted to share things with. Everyone else could try to replace her, but no one would ever come close. She didn’t disclose Nick, out of fear the woman she loved would get hurt. She would try to protect her. She would intervene. Kalinda couldn’t let that happen. And it did anyway. “Just because we’re not close, doesn’t mean I don’t trust you,” she said, feeling her heart twist in her chest. They weren’t close because of her. They weren’t crawling in bed together at night because of the mistakes she made and secrets she kept. She wasn’t happy, and it was her own fault.

“Then talk to me,” Alicia begged, watching the wall finally crumble. The emotional blocks Kalinda had place inside her head and heart, were sliding free. She watched the investigator fidget with the rings on her fingers, the hem of her skit. Watched her look everywhere, but the attorney’s face. The shame radiated off her skin like a heat wave. Alicia felt the tears building again, at the confusing, anxious thoughts swirling around in Kalinda’s head. And she couldn’t do anything to make it stop.

The investigator couldn’t look the attorney in the eye, knowing she was about to reveal her battered body. She hadn’t even really looked at herself in a full length mirror in days. She was almost afraid it was worse than she thought. “I don’t...know...” she finally trailed off, as her mind tried to drift back to those three days. As she tried to focus on the smells and sounds around her. The feeling of Nick on top of her, strangling her, as she clawed at his hands and arms. The feeling of him pining down her arms, so hard she thought her wrists would break. The feeling of him inside her. She couldn’t help shaking her head and pinching the bride of her nose. She tried closing her eyes to gather her emotions, but flashes started to appear quickly. The next few weeks were gonna be difficult. She wasn’t gonna sleep, unless Alicia was by her side, calming her, coaxing her back to sleep. Rubbing her back. Wiping her tears. Taking middle of the night showers because SHE felt him on her skin. She didn’t need anyone the dozens of times Nick attacked her before. She didn’t have the experience of a loving touch before. Now, that she knew what Alicia felt like, provided her, she needed it. “I thought...i thought I had it under control,” she whispered, sitting back on the end of the couch. She didn’t know if that was true or not. In the beginning, she thought she had changed enough to kill him on sight. Apparently, she was wrong. Something inside her was still broken.

Alicia carefully pushed herself from the office chair, taking a moment to make sure her door was still locked, before standing next to her couch. Not assuming Kalinda wanted her comfort. She hadn’t needed her touch in years. She hadn’t reached for her. Didn’t look at her like she wanted the closeness. Refusing to break the five foot bubble without permission anymore. The attorney couldn’t help extending the same courtesy. “May I?” she asked quietly. Running her fingers along the arm of the couch, wishing it was her former partner’s skin. Remembering the goosebumps that used to appear, as she made random patterns up and down the young woman’s back. The little sighs she used to hear.
Kalinda knew Alicia was trying to be respectful. She was offering space and silence. She wanted her to ask for comfort, she some sign it was okay. But she didn’t know how anymore. She used to be able to look at the attorney and know what the investigator needed. It was still difficult to ask for comfort. Or maybe she was out of practice. “It’s your office,” she muttered, looking up for a moment, but unable to hold the intense eye contact. She wanted to reach out. She wanted to beg to be held. She wanted to let down her guard and allow someone else to carry the anxiety and fear for a while. But she was terrified Alicia would eventually tell her to leave again. There was little point opening up, if she had to deal with the emotional fallout alone. She couldn’t.

Alicia refused to move. She refused to invade the woman’s space without permission, she had enough of that for a lifetime. She needed to know that her boundaries mattered. She would make the first move, if she could read the look on Kalinda’s face, but she couldn’t. She used to be able to see a spark in her eye, or the tension in her shoulders, and know exactly how to respond. She probably still could, but didn’t trust herself enough to risk a violent reaction. She’d made the mistake before, touching her before she was ready, usually after a nightmare. The investigator either screaming and pushing her away in fear, typically waking the kids, but Kalinda never remembered and she never mentioned it. Or she would coware in a corner for hours, not speaking. Sometimes she would fall asleep on the floor, she was there so long. It never stopped Alicia from grabbing a few blankets and lying on the carpet next to her. She learned overtime how and when it was okay to touch her, but it had been too long. If the investigator wanted to push her away, tell her no; she’d sit on the floor in order to be close to her. She didn’t have to touch her, to give her support and comfort. “It’s your space,” she countered, chewing her bottom lip, as anxiety ran through her veins. She was waiting for the investigator to bolt from the room at any moment. That she would change her mind and tell her to stay out of her life.

Kalinda waited a moment to see what Alicia would do if she didn’t respond. The attorney just stood there. The moment her eyes locked on her ex-girlfriend’s she felt that violent jolt of electricity run through her nerves. She felt that emotional connection she’d been missing. A warmth wash over her that immediately calmed all the anxiety in her brain. Alicia’s eyes were bright, caring. She saw the tears she was trying to hold back. A kindness in her eyes she hadn’t seen in a while. Finally, she nodded before looking away again. “I don’t know how to talk about it,” she muttered, regretting the decision to wear a skirt. She wanted to pull her knees to her chest and hide. The truth was, she didn’t want to talk about it. She didn’t want to relive every horrific moment.

It was the first time her young partner had a difficult time confiding in her. They naturally told the other everything. It came easier for Alicia, but she hadn’t been through the trauma Kalinda had. She hadn’t been held down and raped, beaten, by a man that said he loved. She never feared for her life because of her husband. She could lay next to him at night, even now, and he wouldn’t touch her if she said no. Peter was never violent with her. He never threw things. He never threatened her. She couldn't imagine sitting in Kalinda’s place. She wished she could. She wished it had been her this time. “You never had a problem telling me anything,” she nearly whispered, not trying to force the investigator to look at her. Not reaching for her, or moving closer. Mostly out of fear, but a small part of her wanted the younger woman to lean on her. To reach out if she needed the support.

Kalinda felt a thousand emotions coursing through her veins. A hundred thoughts flashing at once. The memories of Nick on top of her, trying to cloud her vision. She was ashamed of what happened, but more than anything, she was scared to see what Alicia would do when she heard the words. Three years ago, she wouldn’t show anger. She wouldn’t allow her own emotions to affect or override whatever the investigator needed. She was always thoughtful and calm. Kalinda remembered nights Alicia would assume she finally fell back asleep, only to witness the attorney breaking down in silence. Crying into her pillow; for HER. Refusing to let the younger woman see it, and Kalinda never made a sound during those late hours. “I never had to worry about you shooting him and getting arrested,” she finally exhaled, a tear sliding down her cheek, she wished Alicia was brave enough to wipe away.

Alicia was a little taken back that the investigator, who owned guns herself, was still focused on that part of their interaction. Not her screaming he was a rapist, that his wife was dead. Recounting her entire five years of agony to the man responsible. It was the gun. She still caught her staring at it on her desk. She thought about putting it away, but she didn’t want to move. She didn’t want any more distance between them than was necessary. “Nothing happened. I’m not going to go find him and kill him in cold blood.” In her mind, it was still justified if she did. For all the sleepless nights and nightmares Kalinda suffered. For all the times his friends joined in on the torture. Fearful any moment, he’d appear in her room. All Alicia wanted, was for the young woman to fall asleep, and know no one would hurt her. No one would pull her from bed in a drunk stupor and rape her in front of his friends. No one would drug her drink and tie her up while she was unconscious. No one would be watching her from the shadows, waiting for her to be vulnerable. “But if he comes to my apartment, I won’t lose any sleep at night knowing he’s dead,” she said, meaning every word. A part of her hoped he did think he was smarter than her. She wanted him to try. She wanted any excuse, any small reason, to put a bullet in his head. When Kalinda didn’t respond, didn’t even give her an angry look, Alicia felt a little guilt. It was the investigator’s husband she was threatening. Someone the attorney knew nothing about; not personally. She didn’t know what their relationship was like before things turned violent. “I’m sorry if that hurts a part of you that still cares what happened to him, but...”

Kalinda felt the wall crumble and the damn inside her chest burst. Ignoring the gun still sitting on the table and turning to the woman sitting as far from her as the couch would allow. “I don’t care about HIM. I don’t care if you shoot him in broad daylight for the world to see. I care about you. I care about what will happen to you. I don’t want you taken away from me. You know it might not matter if it was self defense. Innocent people are sent to prison all the time. Enough judges in this city hate you and hate Peter enough to do it,” she ranted, only raising her voice slightly. Trying to wipe the few tears that managed to fall. She could believe Alicia would consider her hesitation was due to caring for Nick. That she still had feelings for him. That she didn’t want him dead. She thought she’d made her feelings clear. All she cared about since Alicia walked into her life, was Alicia.

There it was. The final brick falling from the seeming unbreakable wall around the investigator. She could see the real reason behind her fear. The words rattling around in her brain like a drum line. Kalinda was still afraid of losing her. Even though they’d been separated from well over a year, pushing two, it was still as if they were together. The emotional connection they shared, never ceased. She could feel it vibrating under her skin. Every time the investigator made eye contact, she felt it in her chest. “I won’t carry it anymore if it makes you feel any better,” she offered immediately, almost a pleas for her not to run away. Not to be afraid. Not to worry. She would do anything Kalinda asked. Anything that would make her more comfortable. But somehow, she didn’t know if she’d actually keep that promise. She didn’t see the point, not did she believe Kalinda would want her to stop. She’d already been carrying for a year. She didn’t even know it was there, until she needed it. She felt safer. She relaxed easier, knowing she could take care of herself and children. Fifteen minutes is a long time to wait when a psychopath breaks into the apartment. “I’m sorry. I just want you safe,” she whispered, glancing at the gun on her desk. She couldn’t help fidgeting with the bracelet around her wrist. Running her fingers along the chain, playing with each charm her children got her. Trying not to bounce her foot on the floor, as she kicked off her heels. “I don’t want you covering bruises and avoiding eye contact because you know we can see something’s not right. I just want you to be able to sleep at night without worrying about him,” she said softly, watching the investigator shift and fidget in her seat.

Kalinda would never ask someone not to carry. Who was she to judge? She carried, long before she legally could. She broke the law every day. She played with her own safety at least twice a week. She might be at a higher risk on the streets, than Alicia was in the courtroom, but she still had to get to the courthouse every day. She still had to walk through the parking garage early in the mornings and well past midnight. She had to sleep in her bed alone, with two children to protect. If Kalinda had been there the last few years, maybe the attorney wouldn’t have felt the need to learn. She would have been there to make her feel safe. “You don’t have to stop carrying for me. You have every right, and every reason,” she sighed, tucking a few stray hair behind her burning ears. Her entire world would fall apart if something happened to Alicia if she asked her to stop carrying.

For the older woman, they needed to have a deeper conversation about the firearm before she made a decision. Kalinda was exhausted, terrified, and confused. It wasn’t fair to either of them to make permanent decisions and promises, when all they could do was feel, not think. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do,” she replied almost immediately. And she would, if Kalinda made a good argument, she would consider leaving the gun in her desk or car. She go for additional training, with the investigator by her side. She would let the younger woman train her, if it made her mind more at ease.

Alicia’s fingers twitched and ached, as she slowly started to reach for Kalindas hand. She watched the gesture catch the young investigators attention. Her gaze focused on the slow, careful movement of her fingers. She had to bite her bottom lip hard, as she got close enough to feel the heat from her former partners skin. She watched Kalinda lick her lips in anticipation of the electrical jolt that was about to flow under her skin. It happened every time they touched. “Please, talk to me,” she whispered, barely grazing the side of her hand, when a persistent knock on the door, made them both jump and pull back. Alicia didn’t move, as she watched Kalinda’s breathing pick up again. She refused to look towards the door. She almost turned completely away and flinch when the banging started again. ‘Just checking on you guys,’ it was just Cary. She knew he’d come looking eventually. She was actually surprised it took him so long. Alicia knew on the other side of the door, at least, Will and Diane were listening, probably half the partners and security. But she couldn’t see much under the door. “We’ll be out in a little bit. Everything’s fine, Cary,” she said loud enough to be heard over the soft music, but not enough to worsen Kalindas migraine. She waited for the shadow to disappear before turning her attention back to the only person that mattered. As her lips parted to make a witty comment, the young woman Was covering her face, while a sob managed to break through the music still echoing off the walls. “Kalinda?” She tried, as the investigators shoulders trembled. She had seen her former partners skin cry and scream more times than she cared to remember, but she always knew why. She could figure out how to fix it. Too many things were happening around them, inside Kalinda’s head for her to assume. In her mind, it was guilt not running to Cary. Being in Alicia’s office, instead of the young man’s. The attorney hated herself a little more for putting Kalinda in the position she was currently trapped in.

The young investigator felt awful for not caring about Cary enough. Not wanting to be with him every night. Not falling asleep in his bed. Not allowing him to wrap her in his arms. Not loving him. Not trusting him. Not running to him the minute Nick showed up, ten before Alicia did. She should. She had every reason to make the perfect life with him. He was kind and warm. He wanted to protect her, understand her. But she couldn’t. She didn’t have it in her to let him in. Somehow, he wasn’t enough. Not that he didn’t try. It was the way he tried that wasn’t helpful. But how would he know that, if she refused to tell him. “I feel awful,” she whimpered, uncovering her face, but looking away. She was ashamed she buried herself in a relationship she didn’t want, with a man that deserved more. Giving in when she knew she should have just told him she wasn’t emotionally interested. She knew why; she wanted to void any memory she had of Alicia. She wanted the woman’s touch burned from her skin. She wanted to forget the older woman ever existed, but no one was enough. “He’s a great guy. But I can’t give him what he wants,” she half sobbed, half coughed. She couldn’t be the wife he wanted. She would never be the mother of his children. The quiet life she knew he dreamed about. She couldn’t give him the love and patience he needed. She never had any intention of building anything with him. He made her forget about the woman she pined for; if only for a few minutes. That’s all he’d ever be. “he’ll never be able to understand what happened to me. He’ll never be able to set his feelings aside and just accept it. Not like…” Kalinda bit her tongue, glancing at Alicia to see if she noticed. The woman’s face hadn’t changed, but she knew the attorney caught her near slip. How could she not. It was more than obvious she still loved the woman sitting beside her. The fact she hadn’t ran out the door the second her bruises were mentioned, should have been proof enough. Crying in front of her former partner, exposing herself; she could see the spark ignite in the older woman’s eyes. A quiet understanding.

Alicia took the chance and reached for the woman’s hand. Thankfully, Kalinda didn’t pull away. She didn’t get up and scream to be left alone. She gripped the attorneys fingers harder. Her entire body seemed to relax. Her shoulders finally dropping. The muscles in her neck and jaw stopped flexing. And that familiar electric current ran full force under their skin. She could see it in the tremor that ran up Kalindas spine. The beautiful cascade of goosebumps, she couldn’t barely see through the fabric of her pantie hose. Selfishly, Alicia wanted to hear the words. She wanted to hear that the investigator still wanted her, needed her. She could see it. But she saw it every time the woman looked at her for a few seconds too long. She could feel it every day they passed the other in the hall. But she couldn’t do that to Kalinda. She didn’t want her to feel pulled in different directions. If she couldn’t say she wanted her, she wouldn’t push. “Just because you say the words, doesn’t mean anything’s gonna happen,” she reassured, running her thumb along bruised knuckles. Watching the blush burn bright in her cheeks, avoiding eye contact. Chewing her bottom lip. Alicia wanted to reach up and coax her to stop like she used to. But was concerned the intimate touch would overwhelm her former partner. “I was there for you then, if you want him, let him in just like you did with me,” she whispered, holding the painful ache in her chest. Cary did care about Kalinda, it was obvious. He loved her. He wanted a life with her. He would do anything for her. The investigator was with him. If she wanted Cary, Alicia would never stand in her way.

She didn’t want him, that was the problem. He was the kindest man she’d ever met, shared her body with. He was gentle with her. He let her control their time together. He gave and gave, and all she did was continue to use him. That’s what it felt like to her. Yes, when she was with him, it felt like nothing else existed. He made her forget. He made her feel something after Alicia broke her. But that didn’t stop Kalinda nearly moaning the older woman’s name when Cary was inside her. It didn’t stop her from mumbling the woman’s name in her sleep. Or reaching for her in the dark. Sometimes, she swore he could see it. “I don’t want to,” she groaned, as the guilt filled her chest. Knowing he was right outside the door, waiting for her. Concerned for her. Wanting to protect and take care of her. And all Kalinda wanted, was to fall asleep in Alicia’s arms. It made a few more tears fall. “I know he wants to love me, but he doesn’t even know me. And I don’t love him,” she confessed out loud for the first time. Feeling the attorney squeeze her hand, run her thumb along her battered knuckles. Feeling a small weight lifting from her chest. “I don’t even want to try. I shouldn’t have to,” she whispered, glancing at the older woman’s face for a moment. Seeing the love she craved and had missed for so long, finally reflected back at her. She didn’t have to try to love Alicia, she just did. It was easy. They could communicate without words. A simple look was all the other needed. With Cary, she didn’t even know what he meant while he was saying it. He could tell her he loved her all day long and she would never feel it.

Kalinda admitting she didn’t love Cary wasn’t surprising for Alicia; she could see it. It was clear in the way the woman reacted while they were in public. She turned her body away from him. She ignored him. Pushed him away. The young woman never treated her that way. It was difficult to keep their relationship from being noticed. They would stare at each other across the table. The attorney could usually count on feeling Kalindas leather heel running up her calf during their morning meetings. She found any reason to run her hand along her shoulder, or press against her as she passed; whether people were watching or not. And Alicia did the same, without her former partner pushing her away. Even from the outside, the two relationships were very different. “Tell me what’s going on, Kalinda,” she tried again, pulling her hand from the woman grip, only to run her fingers slowly up and down her sleeve covered arm.

Kalinda knew the truth would come out eventually. If she planned to leave with Alicia, if she wanted to sleep in her arms that night, she had to tell her what happened. “When I left your office, I went looking for him. Called him. Did everything I could to track him down, lure him out of hiding. I never found him. I thought he’d just show back up at the office the night day. I didn’t think there was any way he’d find my address.” The only person she’d ever given her address to was Alicia. The only people that had ever been to her apartment was Will and Alicia. It wasn’t in her paperwork, no one ever questioned it. They just thought she moved a lot. She knew neither of them had told Nick where she lived. Neither had it written down, or been to her place in a while, so they couldn’t have been followed. He couldn’t have picked the address off Alicia’s desk during their meeting. She still had no idea how he found her, and that terrified her all over again. Thinking back to walking in her front door, made her squeeze the attorneys hand. Fighting with herself, whether to pull her closer or not. She didn’t. But she tried to focus on the gentle strokes of Alicia’s thumb over her wrist. The gentle and light touches the older woman made up and down her arm. She couldn’t feel her touch through the fabric, which made a few more tears fall. She was hiding bruises, a lot of them. But she wanted to feel the woman’s touch against her bare skin. She was wearing a camisole underneath. It was unbearably hot on the 27th floor. She took a deep breath and pulled her hand from Alicia’s. She glanced at the woman as she grabbed the bottom hem of the turtleneck. Hoping the attorney could read her pleas to not let her anger take over. The older woman just gave her a slight nod, releasing a deep breath. At least she was trying to maintain her emotions.

Alicia had images in her mind that made her vomit. She knew the bruises were bad if the investigator felt the need to cover them. If she was so hesitant to reveal them. But if the attorney was good at anything, it was compartmentalizing the good and the bad. She could be pissed and ready to kill Nick, but push it to the back of her mind to give Kalinda the comfort and compassion she needed. She had plenty of practice. She’d already listened to years of abuse, things she never imagined would happen to someone she loved. She never let the young woman see her flinch, see her angry. She never spoke of revenge. Because she didn’t matter, how she felt didn’t mean anything. Kalindas feelings were the only ones that mattered. She needed calm. She needed patient. She didn’t need hysteria and threats. She didn’t need the image of her being dragged away by police for homicide.
She watched the investigator move slowly, her muscles obviously sore and bruised. She watched her try to hold back a flinch as she flexed her shoulder to pull the fabric over her head. She was still mostly clothed, but the bruises were now on full display. She looked like she’d been strangled, not once, but multiple times. There were scratches and nail marks on the side of her neck. The skin was red and blotchy in some spots, but mostly dark bruising covered her flesh. She could see the bruise on her shoulder blade, probably from being held down. Her arms were decorated with either scratches, bruises, or red splotches from broken blood vessels. Her wrists were even more bruised than her neck. A dark purple and black ring around each of them. The skin torn and rubbed raw in some places. If Alicia was guessing, Nick used handcuffs. She would bet Kalinda had similar bruises on her ankles and worsening damage to her thighs. Every instinct screamed for her to take the woman to the hospital. She didn’t know what internal damage could have been done. What even Kalinda didn’t know was wrong. But she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t do anything until the young woman asked. She wasn’t Cary. She wouldn’t scream and force. She wouldn’t even try to persuade. If she didn’t want to go, she would never ask more than once.

Alicia could see the anxiety building in the woman’s once again. Refusing to look in her direction. Her foot now bouncing on the floor. She was bracing for the attorneys reaction. She’d never seen Nicks violence firsthand. Hearing about it had always made her want to dismember the man and throw his body in the river. Seeing it was completely different. She wasn’t just seeing the bruises and scratches. She was seeing the woman she loved as a victim. That had never happened before. “This doesn’t change anything,” she tried to reassure, as Kalinda started chewing her bottom lip. Her voice as calm as it always was. She was too worried about the woman in front of her to give Nick a second thought. Her goal was to prove she was still the same person she was three years ago. She wasn’t aggravated, frustrated. She didn’t care that the investigator didn’t say anything, didn’t kill him herself. All she cared about was trying to help her heal, again. “I’m still right here, honey,” she mumbled, and within seconds, she was watching Kalinda suddenly crumble. The pet name was once calming to the younger woman. It was one of the few term Alicia ever used when she was upset, coming out of a nightmare. She didn’t expect the woman she was trying to calm, to curl in on herself. Falling into the attorneys lap. Wanting to pull her knees into her chest, but her boots were still zipped tight up her calf. “Please don’t cry,” she whispered, over just enough to release the zippers on both boots, and help Kalinda mindlessly kick them away. Scooting to the farthest end of the couch and allowing her friend to position her body on the small sofa, her head back in her lap. Alicia couldn’t help running her fingers down the woman’s arm, feeling goosebumps immediately appear, a chill run through her body. On instinct, she grabbed the light blanket from the back of the couch and draped it over her. There was no need for her to feel any more exposed than she already had been. Her skin wasn’t hot to the touch anymore. If she didn’t want it, she couldn’t toss it off. “Don’t talk about it if you don’t want to.”

Kalinda couldn’t believe she was back curled into Alicia’s lap. Tears falling silently down her face. The woman that she thought hated her, whispering in her ear, rubbing soothing circles up and down her arm. Pulling at the pins holding the tight bun at the back of her head. Tilting her head slightly, giving the attorney silent permission to do what she wanted. She trusted Alicia with every nerve in her body, naturally. She didn’t have to work or fight for it. She felt her hair getting looser and looser at the base of her neck, as her former partner pulled each pin from its hiding place. Careful not to pull out strands of hair with them, but Alicia was always careful. It wasn’t her first time searching for lost Bobby pins. Once her hair was free, she felt the woman’s fingers running through the long curls. Gently Massaging her scalp, that was also sore from the scalding showers she’d been taking since Nick found her. She wasn’t necessarily cold, but she was thankful for the blanket being draped over her battered body. And she knew the more she relaxed, the more her brain calmed, the colder she’d get. “Why are you still so nice to me? I feel like all I keep doing is fucking up,” she whimpered, trying to hold in the sobs that wanted to escape, but she didn’t want to draw anymore attention to the office they were safe in.

Whether it was appropriate or not, Alicia leaned down, brushing the hair from the woman’s tear soaked face, and kissed her temple. Nuzzling her cheek. Leaving soft kisses along the bruises on the side of her neck. Feeling the woman tremble against her. Reaching for her hand and pulling it to her chest. She could feel the young investigator inhaling the perfume on her wrist. It was the same brand she’d always worn. She changed it for a while during her affair with Will, but it didn’t last long. She knew how much the woman liked the smell, probably because it was mixed with the scent of her skin. She didn’t stop the slight smile that crossed her lips, or taking her own time breathing the woman in. She might not get another chance to be that close to her again. “You’ve done nothing wrong, baby. Please believe that,” she whispered against her ear, kissing her cheek as her eyes drifted closed. Every exhale was almost a shaky pant. She could tell her chest felt tight. Her stomach ached. Her head was pounding and racing. Her emotions had been shattered and scattered across the room. “I never stopped loving you, that’s why I’m so nice to you. That’s why I want you to cry and scream, curse me and God if you need to. But don’t shut me out,” she confessed, her lips grazing her jaw, as she felt the fight finally leave Kalinda body.

The investigator had to fight every instinct in her body not to turn into Alicia’s kiss. She wanted to feel her soft, patient lips moving against her own. She wanted her to erase the feeling of his drug induced, violent kisses from her skin. She wanted to smell something besides alcohol and chemicals. The attorney smelled and felt so familiar, she slightly broke and kissed each knuckle of her hand. Holding it tight against her chest. Hoping the older woman could feel how hard her heart was pounding; and it had very little to do with Nick. She spent so many nights crying herself to sleep thinking the woman she craved hated her, it was an emotional relief to hear the opposite whispered in her ear. She spent so many nights, waking up drenched in sweat, reaching for the woman only to feel cold sheets beneath her fingers. Waking up from nightmares, screaming her name, and throwing herself into a panic attack when she realized she was alone. It was difficult watching Alicia’s affair with Will, but she was never angry. She had no right to be. She was the liar. She was the one that didn’t want to open up about her past. She still hadn’t told the entire story, but it didn’t matter now. “He was already in my apartment when I got home. I didn’t hear him come up behind me. I didn’t see the knife, I never saw it. I only felt it pressed into my side,” she started but had to stop and take a few deep breaths, inhaling the familiar perfume that always brought her a sense of peace. She felt Alicia’s lips on her neck, slowly erasing the memory of the nasty bruises. Erasing the feeling of terror as she left gentle open mouth kisses up and down the side of her neck, down her shoulder. “I tried to fight him off, but he slammed me into the wall. I guess I hit my head harder than I thought, still hurts,” she mumbled the last few words as she felt the attorneys fingers searching the back of her scalp for the bump she knew would be there. She couldn’t help the hiss that left her lips when Alicia’s fingers finally ran over the sensitive spot near her crown. “I was dizzy after that. Every time I closed my eyes, the world was spinning, I wanted to throw up. I heard him drop the knife on the floor, but he had my hands pinned. I tried pushing him off, but he was too heavy, I couldn’t get any leverage. When he tried to kiss me, I tried to bite him; I thought he was gonna break my wrist,” she confessed, not wanting to remember any more of what happened. The two days of hell that followed. She didn’t want to think about grappling with reaching out for help and figuring it out herself. The thought of telling Alicia was in her mind the entire previous day. She knew if she said something. The attorney would protect her. But she chose to stay silent for that exact reason. For the threats Nick whispered in her ear.

“You don’t have to talk about it,” she whispered, it wasn’t worth watching the small flinches every time her hand moved a certain way. It wasn’t worth watching the tears run down her face or that vacant look to appear in her eyes. She could feel the involuntary tremors as her body began to react to the violent memories. She could see the sweat building on her forehead again, even though her skin was ice cold. She felt her feet begin to fidget at the end of the couch.

But she did. If Alicia still loved her, still wanted to be with her, she deserved to know. She was patient enough, mature enough to handle the details and not let them eat at her. “I don’t remember a lot of the first time. Just a lot of pain and fighting him off. I remember screaming. Either no one was home next door or they thought it was the tv. He tried putting his hand over my mouth, but I bit him. He wrapped his hand around my throat, had my arms pinned. I dont remember what happened after that, I passed out,” she mumbled, fighting her body not to flash back to those moments. Trying to tell the story with as little emotion as possible. Trying to pretend, somehow, she was just an observer. But she felt everything. She felt his weight on top of her. She smelled his breath, the alcohol. She felt her skin begin to bruise all over again. She could still feel the handcuff around her ankle. She wanted to reach down and rub the raw skin, but Alicia would notice and ask more questions. “I remember the second time it happened,” she muttered against the attorneys hand, trying to focus on her touch and smell. Trying hard not to be pulled back into the moment Nick ripped her skirt, not even bothering to remove her underwear. He grabbed face when she tried looking away. She saw the same rage, twisted pleasure she’d experienced so many years ago. She tried to bite him lip when he kissed her, but she got backhanded for her effort. She scratched and kicked. Tried pushing him off. But it didn’t matter. He was still physically stronger than her, that hadn’t changed. She couldn’t get to her gun. She couldn’t call for help. Screaming did nothing. “He….,” she tried to get the words out, but a whimper filled the room instead. She didn’t want to be the rape victim, even though she knew, at the moment she was. She survived, but she was still a victim. She thought, after years of separation, building her confidence and independence, taking self defense and gun training, she’d be able to defend herself. “I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t make him stop,” she half sobbed, wanting to turn her head into the blanket, but Alicia’s lips on her neck kept her from moving. It felt too familiar, too comforting to risk pulling away from. She wanted the attorney to hold her like she used to. She wanted the woman to touch her skin and kiss her face to ease the memories. If she moved, she was afraid Alicia wouldn’t feel comfortable reaching for her again. The woman had seen her cry plenty of times before, this time was no different. “It happened again this morning, that’s why I was late, that’s why I couldn’t talk to Cary.” Nick raped her four times in three days. She couldn’t recount every detail if she wanted to. The last 72 hours had been a terrifying blur.

Alicia knew, but she hoped, for the first time in her life, she was wrong. It meant more nightmares disturbing her sleep. More nights that neither of them would sleep. More hot baths and showers at two and three in the morning. She didn’t want it to have happened again. Somehow she hoped Kalinda fought him off and there was no need for medication or doctors. But it was clear on her face from the first day. Now, all she could do was try to repair the damage. Try to give the investigator the support she needed, but not coddle. “I’m not gonna ask you to, but if you think you need to see a doctor, be honest and we’ll go where ever you wanna go,” she said softly, kissing the bruises on the back of her neck and Kalinda buried her face in the fabric of her skirt and pantie hose. She felt the catch in the investigators breath. She heard the whimper and sigh. She felt the warm breath against her thighs. The younger woman finally let go of her hand, allowing Alicia to run it up and down her back. Her fingers carefully massaging Kalindas spine and neck, receiving a moan in response.

Kalinda didn’t see one beneficial or emotionally helpful reason to sit in an exam room for four hours. She’d experienced the painful and intrusive exam twice before. Maybe if someone had said something, done something that made her feel more than just a body of evidence, arrested him, prosecuted him; maybe she would be more inclined to seek assistance. If the nurses and doctors saw the signs without her saying anything. If anyone had bothered to call the police, she’d be more cooperative. Instead, she’d rather tend her own wounds and buy a Plan B. As long as she wasn’t pregnant, she didn’t care, not that she’d keep it if she was. It would never be something she could raise, even with Alicia. It wouldn’t be hers. It would be a constant reminder of the trauma and pain, and terror and experienced for nearly a decade now. She didn’t want that reminder, she had enough inside her head. “I just want another morning after pill,” she muttered, burying her face in the woman’s lap. Feeling the soft fabric of her pantie hose under her cheek and nose. She could still smell the older woman’s lavender body lotion and the scent of her perfect skin through the thin material.

Alicia could do nothing but comfort. She couldn’t take the pain away. She couldn’t take back the last few years of isolation. She couldn’t fix what the investigator went through because of her, but she could try to repair the damage. She could be the safe place for Kalinda. She could be the nonjudgmental partner she used to be. She could be the constant her friend needed. “Anything you want,” she whispered, kissing her temple and nuzzling her cheek before the attorney could think too much about her actions. “I’m so sorry, baby.” She didn’t want to think. She wanted to follow Kalindas body without hesitation. She wanted to do what she knew the woman needed her to do without question. By her words partners response, little sighs and pushing closer, it was right. “As soon as you’re ready, we’ll disappear,” she whispered low in her ear, hearing a shaky breath and feeling a tremor in response. She would never force the young woman to do or go anywhere she didn’t feel comfortable. She wouldn’t argue and guilt her into a physically and emotionally traumatizing sexual assault exam. She wouldn’t force her to report it to the local police, Alicia would call Lana personally after Kalinda was asleep. She wouldn’t ask continuous questions that wouldn’t help anyone. That’s not the bond they had. Everything came naturally, that’s why they lasted so long.

Emotions bubbled to the surface again. Remembering the momentary relief she felt when her hand touched the door knob, knowing she was almost to the place she felt the safest. “I was almost out the door this morning,” she whimpered, a few more tears falling, as flashes appeared in her mind. She remembered hearing the door slam before she got in the shower. She assumed he left. Whether it was temporary or not, she couldn’t remember, but she remembered the sound the door made when it closed. She remembered the air felt lighter. The weight on her chest had lifted. For the first time in three days, she really thought she was alone. “I thought he was gone. I didn’t hear him after I got out of the shower,” she tried to explain through the pain in her chest. She felt Alicia’s thumb run along her knuckles. She couldn’t help kissing the woman’s wrist, as her other hand continued playing in her loose curls. What happened that morning wasn’t the worst attack she’d ever experienced, but she never disclosed after a rape. She never talked about the details so soon after the experience. When she’d told Lana, it was after Nick was in prison. Years after he last saw her. She never sought medical attention, unless Nick broke something during a beating and she still said nothing. When the FBI questioned her about their trafficking case, she could have disclosed, she could have got chargers added, but she still stayed quiet. She wanted to forget. “I grabbed my bag and keys, was pulling on my boots when he grabbed me by my hair. Threw my keys across the room and slammed me face down on the counter,” she whimpered, she tears pouring down her face, reliving the assault in her mind. Remembering peeking out the bathroom door, glancing into the living room, and seeing nothing, before getting ready for work. She got dressed and did her makeup in complete silence, never hearing a sound. She grabbed her gun from the nightstand, slipping it inside her briefcase, listening for the slightest noise, as she moved around her bedroom. She never heard him sneak up behind her, just as she grabbed the door knob to leave. She didn’t know where he was hiding, or if he even was. Maybe she imaged hearing to doo close. Maybe she refused to hear him moving around in the next room. She never checked the closet or under the bed. He could have been anywhere. She remembered the pain in the back of her head, as he yank her hair at the base of her neck. Jerking her backwards so hard, she dropped everything but her phone. She didn’t put up much of a fight for it, once she was slammed on down on the counter. She remembered seeing stars, her head spinning from the impact. “When I wash the makeup off, there’s a bruise where you keep touching,” she whispered, as Alicia continued leaving light, loving kisses down her cheek. It didn’t hurt, or maybe she was so numb to the trauma, she couldn’t feel it anymore.

She immediately stopped kissing the woman’s cheekbone. Now that she was actually looking at her, some of the makeup already gone, she could see the light bruise underneath. She was surprised she hadn’t noticed. But she hadn’t seen the investigator in days to notices. She hadn’t been close enough to her in years to notice much of anything. But she could see the pain now. She could see the discoloration. She could see the slight swelling. She could see the shame. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, burying her nose in her hair instead. Inhaling the familiar scent of coconut and something that could only be described as Kalinda. However she could be close to the woman, she would take it. She didn’t have to kiss every bruise and cut like she wanted to. If she was allowed to stay in her partners presence, it was enough. If she allowed the attorney to hold her, it was always a bonus. She would give as much or as little as Kalinda needed. “My beautiful girl,” she whispered, lower in her ear, carefully wiping the tears as they fell down her flushed cheeks.

The moment Alicia pulled away, an involuntary whimper left her chest. A cold tremor ran down her spine. She wanted the comfort. She wanted to feel the older woman’s lips on her sore skin. She wanted the memory of Nick, replaced with Alicia’s gentle, soothing lips. “I never asked you to stop,” she mumbled, both hoping and not that the attorney heard her. It didn’t hurt to the touch. It hurt more that Alicia was so afraid to cause her any discomfort that she’d rather pull away than risk any unnecessary pain. She appreciated the gesture, but it wasn’t needed. If she was gonna recount the events that would haunt her dreams more if she didn’t talk about them, she needed the woman’s touch. She needed the soft kisses over violent bruises. “I’ve missed your touch,” she whimpered, kissing the woman’s knuckles. Still holding them tight to her chest, hoping her own affection would let Alicia know if was okay to touch her. When she finally felt the attorneys lips on her temple, then her cheekbone she released the breath she hadn’t realized she was holding.

Alicia couldn’t help continuing her soft kisses along the barely visible bruise. Felling the deep sigh leave her partners chest. “I’m so sorry I made you feel responsible for me,” she whispered, regretting nearly dragging Kalinda in her office and yelling at her. Wishing she could take back telling her anything at all. She shouldn’t have mentioned the phone call. She shouldn’t have looked at the investigator the way she had. “I’m sorry I sent you away and didn’t check on you. I should have come to your apartment,” she nearly sobbed, squeezing the woman’s hand a little harder. Kissing her temple. Every night after the kids went to bed, all she could think about was Kalinda. She thought about calling Owen a dozen times to stay with the kids so she could see if the investigator was home. She kept her clothes and tennis shoes by the bed, just in case the young woman called. She had a pull in her chest to grab her keys and go, but every time, she thought she was over stepping. “I should have never let you leave my office that day,” she whispered, feeling the pain in her chest causing her breath to catch. She didn’t leave her office the rest of the day. Waited for Kalinda to come back. Called her multiple times, leaving message after message. She told Will something was wrong. Unfortunately, she had to tell him enough to make him do something. She called Lana twice, expressing her concern. She called Peter and asked what he would do. Her ex husband’s only suggestion was declaring her a missing person, and that was within the first twenty four hours no one heard anything. She didn’t sleep the first night. She was too busy sending Kalinda a text every hour, waiting by the phone for it to ring. She was too afraid to doze off. When she finally did sleep the second night, the nightmares made her wish she hadn’t. She vomited the following morning. She couldn’t focus at work. She sent two third year attorneys to handle her cases in court, she refused to go to the morning meeting. The only person she didn’t scream at was Cary. He looked just as lost as she felt. The third night, all she did was cry and leave Kalinda messages on her phone. Begging her to send a text. Begging to know if she was okay. She knew the investigator received them, assumed she listened to them or she would have never curled into her lap. She would have never stayed in her office to defend herself.

Kalinda knew she couldn’t control what Nick did. She wanted to, wished she could, but in reality, she could only play defense. It was her life and her mistakes. Who else would be responsible for it? Nick came to Chicago because of her. She burned down his house and took his money. She led him to Alicia. If she had made sure he wasn’t there when the attorney called, he wouldn’t know how close they were. If she had been capable of talking to Alicia like she was anyone else, look at her like she did, Nick wouldn’t have a clue. Everything was her fault. And now, she still had to fix it. “I am responsible,” she whispered, swallowing hard and biting her lip. Grabbing the older woman’s hand from her hip, pulling it to her lips. Kissing her knuckles and allowing Alicia to trace her slightly swollen bottom lip. Silently begging her to stop biting. “It was Lela’s life, not yours. It was my decision to stay even though I knew he was coming for me,” she said a little quieter. Kalinda knew the moment Blake confessed he was in touch with him, she knew she needed to go. But every time she packed her bags, had everything ready to leave; she thought of Alicia. All she saw in her mind was the older woman worrying herself to an early grave unable to find her. Crying herself to sleep at night. Not being able to ever move on. Alicia kept her in Chicago. The possibility of their relationship being repaired kept her rooted in no man’s land. She wanted to be with her former partner, more than she wanted to save her own life. It was her decision. “I could have ran. I could have disappeared. But I didn’t. I made the decision to not tell anyone. I pushed Cary away. I lied to Will and Diane,” she rambled, fighting not to turn and accidentally capture Alicia’s lips, as she kissed the corner of her mouth. She wanted to feel that familiar electricity running under her skin, making her lips tingle. She wanted to feel the attorney sigh against her cheek, as her lips parted and she tasted her for the first time. She wanted to move. She wanted to take the chance, but she was terrified she was reading Alicia wrong. That she was so used to her affection, she couldn’t tell the difference between lover and maternal. She decided to stay frozen in place. Hoping her former partner would take the lead. “I didn’t want him coming after you,” she confessed, with a heavy sigh. She would gladly die for Alicia. But more than that, she would kill for her.

The attorney felt the investigator kissing her skin, inhaling her scent, sighing into her touch. She knew why Kalinda made the decisions she made. She understood the secrecy. At first, it was to protect and safe herself. Now, it was all about saving Alicia. She hated herself for it. She felt she didn’t deserve it. She would rather lose Kalinda than watch her die. She would say it a thousand times. She just wanted the woman she loved to be able to live, relax, and not worry about watching over her shoulder for a past life. “You’re not Lela,” she whispered against the corner of her mouth, wishing Kalinda would initiate more contact. She didn’t want to push the woman for more than she was willing to give. She didn’t want her to think the older woman was using her.

Kalinda knew she wasn’t Lela on paper. She wasn’t the wife of a drug trafficker. She wasn’t associated with Canada or arson that took place the night she left. She wasn’t the abused woman that visited an emergency room over two dozen times in five years. She wasn’t the woman questioned and promised to be protected by the Canadian authorities and FBI. She wasn’t the terrified sixteen year old child that made an uneducated decision, changing her life forever. But somehow, she still was. She was Lela; somewhere deep down. She carried the responsibility. She carried the consequences. And yet, she didn’t feel the same. “I don’t wanna be,” she mumbled, in near defeat.

Alicia heard the pain and frustration in Kalindas voice. “You’re not, baby,” she whispered, pulling the blanket tighter around her shoulders with her free hand. She couldn’t make the woman any more comfortable in her own skin. She couldn’t make her anymore physically comfortable with the bruises and aches. She couldn’t ease the migraine in her head and shoulders. She couldn’t do anything for her in the confines of her office. She wanted to take Kalinda to Owen’s. His condo was big enough he wouldn’t even know they were there. No one knew where her brother lived yet. He lived in a gated community, with constant security. They could be safe there. She could have her mother or Peter take the kids until Nick was caught or dead. It was her turn to protect Kalinda.

Kalinda couldn’t help turning her head, catching Alicia a little off guard, and capturing her lips in a sweet kiss. The attorney allowing her to lead. The familiarity made a few more tears fall. Feeling her best friends tongue trace her bottom lip. Nipping at the sensitive skin. Her fingers running softly along her chin, down her neck. Caressing her cheek so softly, the investigator couldn’t help the relaxed sigh that Alicia muffled. The other hand running through her soft curls. The first taste of her tongue when her lips finally parted, caused a whimper to leave her chest. The attorney tasted like coffee and the dark chocolate she kept in the top drawer. She couldn’t help reaching up, entangling her fingers in her partners dark, silky hair. Twirling her fingers around familiar strands. She only pulled away enough to take a breath, as Alicia continued leaving sweet kisses at the corner of her mouth. “Take me home,” she whispered, catching the older woman’s eyes long enough to see a few stray tears fall. She didn’t know what they were gonna do about Nick. She didn’t know what they would say when they opened the office door, and none of it mattered. If she could have Alicia back in her life, they’d figure out the rest.

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thickblurrylines, Ismae, Songstress23, HarukaSama76, LesForLess, Tribbles, Toxicology_Report, jmcaudell52, and PSD_Haught as well as 4 guests left kudos on this work!

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PSD_Haught Mon 11 Aug 2025 10:48PM UTC

Such a beautifully written read. So heavy and tragic read but so very soft and touching. I love this version of them.
I love the thought of them fighting for their love, safety, life, and future together.

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HarukaSama76 Fri 22 Aug 2025 07:17AM UTC

Este amor merece sobrevivir a todo ☺️❤️
Muchísimas gracias por compartir tu historia con nosotras ☺️❤️

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