Work Text:
Hongjoong was always a hardworking person. He spent some of the best days of his life cooped up inside his studio, expressing his love for music and any creative form he felt like working on for that day. He would leave in the late morning, spend hours and hours with his headphones on at his laptop with no disturbances, just letting his mind flow freely. And best of all was the end of the day, going home and knowing that he would have his beloved waiting for him.
Park Seonghwa.
He was everything Hongjoong had wished for. He was awkward and nerdy, but so so emotionally intelligent and one of the kindest souls he had ever met. He was the perfect balance to Hongjoongs slightly unconventional hobbies and chaotic management of time. Every day Hongjoong would pack up in the early hours of the morning, sling his bag over his shoulders, hop on the subway home, and revel in the contrast of the calm silence of the interior with the loud clanging of the metal wheels scraping their way towards the end of the line.
Funny, he thought, it was almost like him and Seonghwa. Although everything made him think of him, so he supposed that wasnt such a funny thought to have after all.
Every day, Hongjoong would creep through the front door, lazily dropping his satchel on the apartment floor and tiptoe his way to his shared bedroom. And on the bed, shining even in slumber, laid his star. He would quickly change into his night clothes and shimmy under the covers, hugging Seonghwa from behind.
“What time is it?” Seonghwa would lazily ask, to which Hongjoong would softly shush him and reply, “Late, go back to sleep my love”. And they would fall asleep in tangled limbs, listening to the breathing of the other like a lullaby to soothe their way to sleep until the sun would rise and wake them again for the day to repeat.
And this day was no different. Hongjoong had left at about 11am for his studio, sun low in the sky and air crisp with frost and cold. Seonghwa had bid him goodbye with a packed lunch and padded coat, bundled him up in a scarf and scolded him for not taking care of himself properly. He kissed Hongjoong on the forehead and muttered a quiet “come home early” into his skin before Hongjoong turned for the apartment stairs and started his journey to work.
The train ride was the same as always, only a quiet bustling of mothers with children or elderly gossiping to each other as per usual at 11am. Hongjoong could've sworn out of the corner of his eye that he saw a group of teenagers, but when he turned to look at the unusual crowd they had suddenly disappeared. “What speedy legs they must've had to change seats so quickly” he thought to himself. Hm, maybe Seonghwa was right about him needing to eat more vegetables and he could move as fast as them to get to the studio quicker.
He finally made his way to the studio, quickly unbundled himself and threw his headphones on. He’d managed to score himself a huge project and so was under a bit more added stress than usual, and thats what he attributed the weird brain muddles he’d been having on. It frustrated him to no end, but he knew as soon as the project was done with he could go back to his usual carefree production style. Seonghwa had reassured him of it when he told him, so it had to have been true.
As Hongjoong sat with his head in his hands during another blanking moment, he heard the door creak open behind him.
“Hey dude, Eden said you were having a bit of trouble with the new songs, was wondering if you needed any ideas?”
“Maddox, I really appreciate the concern but now really isn't a good time for me,” Hongjoong said in a slightly sharp tone, collapsing his head into his hands right after. He hadn’t meant for it to come out as dismissively as it did since he knew his friend only wanted to help, but he really wasnt in the mood today.
Maddox visibly shied away after hearing the tone of the other before letting out a slightly more hushed “Are you sure? I just don't like you struggling like this dude, it’s like I’m speaking to a whole new person every time I walk in here because of it. After the… you know… I’ve been worried about you dude.”
“Maddox can you please just leave? I’m not in the mood for this right now, I hear enough from Eden about my newfound anger issues alright? Don’t need a lecture from you on it too” He snapped back. Hongjoong really had no idea why he reacted in such a way towards him when he knew his friend only wanted to help, he just really didnt want to see him right now and everyones constant mentions of his stressed patterns was stressing him out even more.
A couple hours later when Hongjoong sat down for dinner with his packed lunch Seonghwa had packed, he opened it and looked down in shock.
An empty box?
That didn’t seem right from Seonghwa, he was usually so organised and prepared. Huh, how odd. Hongjoong tried racking his brain for ideas of what could’ve happened but eventually just settled with his love clumsily giving the wrong box and bought a cheap vending machine sandwich instead so Seonghwa didn’t scold him for skipping meals. He sometimes felt like he had his star as a guardian angel looking over him, like a permanent presence who always knew what to scold it for. Oh how he missed Seonghwa.
Work for the rest of that day went painstakingly slow. Maddox had seemingly been scared away for at least another day so at least Hongjoong was left to work alone, but all he wanted was to go home and cuddle up in his star’s arms, protected from the judgement of his friends and the stress of the outside world.
When the clock eventually struck 12, Hongjoong just decided to leave early. Seonghwa would be happy at least, he was always complaining about how much Hongjoong left him alone at home. But when he got on the subway home, it was as if he had been hit with a whole new challenge.
Instead of the quiet empty interior that it usually was at 1-2am, the train had a decent amount of office workers returning to families and teenagers going home after a hearty hangout. “No big deal,” he thought, and took a seat anyway. He clicked on his phone and looked down at it, but immediately he felt it.
Eyes. Watching him.
He swung his head back up, but everybody was kept to themselves and their friends. Nobody looking at him. He shook it off and looked back down at his phone. Then he felt them.
The eyes were back. They were gorging into his head, seeing through his most vulnerable parts and almost into his thoughts.
He couldn’t wait to go home to the comfort of his love’s arms.
And finally the moment he had been waiting for all day came, and Hongjoong opened his door, crept forwrds, abandoned his bag, changed into his night clothes and tiptoed over to the bed.
But something was off.
He shimmied his way under the sheets and swung his arms over Seonghwa, craving his warmth and love more than anything.
But there was nothing.
Nothing but the cold linen sheets, an empty mattress stretching under him. Where was his love?? Where was his star?
He sat up on the cold bed, suddenly feeling like a slab of solid rock under him and walked to the light switch. What he saw shocked him.
His room was a mess. Dirty clothes were strewn over the floor. Bottles and plates of mould sat attop every possible ledge. He walked towards his bed. His bedsheets absolutely stunk, and were riddled with food and drink stains. What on earth had happened to his house??
Out of nowhere, Hongjoong remembered something. An argument he had with Seonghwa, he couldn't place when.
“You never tidy up after yourself Joongie, I don’t want to keep having to clean up your messes,” Seonghwa had said, picking up Hongjoongs dirty socks off the floor. Hongjoong only gave back a lopsided grin as an apology, and Seonghwa just rolled his eyes in return.
As he returned to himself after the memory, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror across the room.
He was disgusting. His hair was dishevelled and matted, his pristine golden blonde hair grown out with at least an inch of dark roots showing. His night clothes were tattered and had holes in the knees. And he absolutely stunk. It was a mixture of smells, too many to even name and far too much to bear.
When had he let himself get to this point? He’d only just dyed his hair with Seonghwa maybe a week ago maximum? He knew his work schedule sometimes made him lose track of time, but not this badly?
Then he remembered again, another memory with Seonghwa. He was messily throwing clothes into a duffel bag, and Hongjoong was just stood. Instead of being upset at his love leaving him like he should’ve been, he was seething. When had his emotions gotten so out of control?
He remembered shouting something at Seonghwa, his poor poor love. “Fine! Leave me alone then! Go fuck off to your mums and see how long you can live without me for!”. The words were echoing around Hongjoong’s head. Why on earth would he say that? What had gotten over him to say something like that to his dearest? Seonghwa just crouched pitifully on the floor, a few tears streaming down his face, and continued stuffing his bags before storming away.
Hongjoong returned to himself once again. He wondered out to the living room, more disgusting mess filling the space. More memories came flooding back, Seonghwa crying to him, Hongjoong getting mad at him, Hongjoong shouting. What kind of person had he even become??
Before he knew it, he was stepping out of the door. He slowly walked down the stairs, eyes empty. He stepped onto the street, trying to think of where to find his star. He needed to find him, to apologise, to resolve everything. He racked his mind. Where could he possibly have gone??
And then it hit him. A text he remembered receiving.
“I’ll be on the —— bridge. It’s your last chance.”
And Hongjoong ran. He knew how horrendous he mustve looked, matted hair, dirty nightclothes, stinking up a storm. He ran directly in front of cars, weaved through people and pushed people aside. He needed to get to his star. He was desperate to see him again.
Then he got to the bridge.
But he’d already been here.
Another memory. He was with Seonghwa on the bridge. His beloved was crying, tears streaming down his face whilst Hongjoong just proudly stood in front of him. What was he doing?? He should’ve been comforting him, he didn’t remember acting like this.
Seonghwa suddenly ran to the bridge edge, and Hongjoong just stood and watched on. A crowd was gathered around now. Seonghwa was shouting at him, screaming. He looked so desperate. His face was red, eyes were puffy, mouth frantically moving.
And Hongjoong remembered himself taking one look and turning away, walking back to their apartment. He remembered thinking Seonghwa would be back once he was done with his show anyway.
He returned again, and was stood at the bridge edge, in the exact spot Seonghwa had been when he was shouting at Hongjoong. But what was he saying??
Hongjoong pleaded with his head to respond to him, what had Seonghwa said? Was he really that uninterested at the time? Did he really act so obnoxiously that he completely tuned out his loves cries and pleas towards him?
And then, all at once, the last memory hit him. It was in the form of a letter. It had arrived in his mail around a week after Seonghwa had gone missing.
“Hello my love.
If this has been sent to you and you’re reading this, I would just like to let you know that I’m sorry. I know you’ve never been one for reading, so I’ll keep this short.
Hongjoong. You were my one and only love of my life, and will be forever, even if I’m no longer here to tell you that. Even through my constant nagging, I always deeply cared for you and I know you felt the same way for me.
I hope you would one day come to realise that none of this was your fault, and I hope one day you’ll gain the courage to see a doctor for yourself, but for now I think I may be unable to continue on like this.
The past years of our relationship have been the best few years of my life. You made me feel so loved and cherished, like I was the only person worthy of all the love in the world, and your few months of decline will not ever change that. But the loneliness and biterness I have felt until now, even if not your own fault, has unfortunately taken over my emotions.
I will forever love you, and I hope you take care of yourself. But it’s time now for me to join the rest of the stars in the sky, as you taught me I was beautiful enough to do.
I love you Hongjoong.
Love from your love and your star, your beloved Seonghwa”
No.
No no no.
This can’t be right. What happened. What had he done.
He dropped to his knees, the first sob shaking his entire body. He felt his face wet itself with tears, his eyes stinging in the frosty air.
But absolutely nothing could beat the pain in his heart.
Another sob racked through him, before he let out something that could only be described as a gut wrenching scream.
His star. What had he done??
The air around him suddenly felt suffocating. The memories he held that he had erased from his mind suddenly came crashing down twice as hard, wrapping itself around his throat like a heavy rope.
What had he done.
He needed his star. He needed Seonghwa.
Hongjoong looked up through the blur of his tears, and crawled his way to the bridge edge. He gathered all the strength left himself and threw his legs over the bar.
He could hear a panicked rush around him. Shouts at him, frantic limbs moving to stop him.
But he needed his love.
And so he did the only thing he could think of to reach him, and Hongjoong let go of the bridge.
The fall was quite peaceful, more than he thought it would be. He thought of his parents, how much he thought they would actually care when they found out what he had done. He thought about Maddox and Eden, how apologetic he felt towards them and how he hoped they would do well in the studio without him. He thought of his brother, who he would dearly miss even if he hadn’t seen him for years due to him studying abroad.
And finally, he thought of his love.
And with that beautiful thought, he smiled and said goodbye, ready to shine together with his brightest star.