Work Text:
To Zane, the star of my sky.
I've forgotten how to wake up on time now, you know. Changing the 16 hour days makes the mornings made feel like I had a block of concrete for a head, all dizzy and sick and heavy. Didn't help that I have no partner to complain to anymore. Still woke up on the 24 hour clock, of course. I did try to change. I should've known it'd never stick. Waking up will be one less problem when you read this.
We're an abandoned ship, Zane. You know it as well do I. The Master's left us running, Riko's left us dying. It's led by so many names and faces now, all chopping and changing. I forget their names.
I almost forgot my parents names. My mum's face looked so odd, older and contorted and teary. She almost choked me to death in her hug, shaking me about like a ragdoll. I never saw my dad's face. I wasn't there. I wasn't at home when he passed on, too busy taking kick after punch for this damned stupid team. I hate to say it, but every month here felt like a funeral. I wish I could love this team in my head, they made me great, they gave me a place, but the words don't exist like they used to. I miss my dad.
And I'll tell you this, the food we get now, the fruit especially, tastes so sweet it's like acid. It's inedible. It's frightening. Like papaya day all the time. I ask them about the calorie content and they tell me not to worry, but I do. How can I play exy? If I can't play exy, what has my life been for? I go out and I see people everywhere and the sun shines and nothing I've done has meant anything. I want to scream, and rip, and tear but there is nothing to fight but myself.
I still love you Zane. Always and forever. I'd have forgiven you anything when you shut yourself away on January. Why didnt you tell me? I guess it doesnt matter now, but I would've been on your side. I love you, but this dull pain is too strong for any love. The point is it's over.
I know when I'm not wanted. I know when I'm a burden. I don't have a place to sit in the world these new coaches rebuilt. The sun shines on my mum, and it shines on you, and god knows it probably shines on Jean all the way up in Cali. The sun doesn't shine on me. The sun doesn't rise on a 16 hour basis. I'm not designed for this. I've forgotten how to live.
So I won't. I'll make my own sunset; a nice, happy finale to a life I can't bear to live. I'm sorry, Zane. I'm so sorry. Don't follow me. You keep living. You wake up.
Yours only, Colleen Jenkins.