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Regulus climbed the stairs to the boys dorm, with Evan right behind him carrying a napkin of food. Barty hadn’t been at dinner, something that wasn’t terribly unusual, as he tended to get distracted easily.
The door slammed open before Regulus reached the top of the stairs, and Sebastian Wilkes, blood streaming from his nose, shoved past them, muttering, “He’s fucking insane. I wouldn’t go in there if I were you.”
Regulus paused, frowning after Wilkes. He glanced back, meeting Evan’s eyes. Evan looked worried, shrugging and stepping past Regulus to enter the dorm.
As the two of them entered the dorm, Regulus immediately saw Barty pacing up and down next to the window. His hair was disheveled, and his eyes were wild. He held his wand in one hand, and there were feathers covering the floor around him. Regulus glanced toward Barty’s bed and noticed that one of his pillows was absolutely destroyed.
Barty whirled around as Evan made a shocked noise, snarling, “What, come back for more, you-”
He broke off suddenly as he seemed to register who was standing there. He froze mid-step, and for a minute they just stared at each other.
“B?” Evan’s voice was gentle, concerned. “What happened? Did Wilkes do something?”
Barty laughed almost hysterically. “That little rat? Nope, just dear old dad.”
Regulus inhaled sharply. Letters or visits from Mr. Crouch always left Barty deeply unsettled; reckless, angry, and almost crazy. “Barty. What happened? Did he show up here?”
Barty crossed the room to his bed, picked up a crumpled piece of parchment, and threw it at Evan. Regulus stepped closer, reading over Evan’s arm.
Bartemius,
95% in Herbology? The easiest subject available, and you only manage 95%? As I recall, I was against you taking the subject, but you insisted that you needed to continue it. As any good father, I let you have your way. Evidently, I should not have. I will be contacting the Headmaster to let him know that you will be taking Ancient Runes in the fall. You can catch up on the curriculum this summer. If you can’t manage to do anything productive while at school, you will have to study during your holidays. And don’t think I didn’t notice the 97% in Transfiguration. We will be discussing it as soon as you get home.
Bartemius Crouch Sr.
Department of Magical Law Enforcement
Barty slumped down onto the floor next to his bed, pulling his legs up to his chest and staring at the floor, unwilling to meet their eyes. Regulus and Evan both stared at him, unsure what to say.
Finally, Barty mumbled, “I tried so hard. I got perfect marks in everything else. I sent him my grades, and I thought he’d be happy, that he’d be proud. I haven’t got in any fights since Christmas. I followed all the rules so carefully, you know that. I don’t understand-” he broke off, his voice cracking.
Regulus crossed the room and knelt by him. “Barty.” He reached out, placing a hand carefully on Barty’s knee.
Barty looked up at him, and Regulus realized with shock that his eyes were brimming with tears. Barty never cried. Regulus was so taken aback that he couldn’t think of anything else to say. Wordlessly, he leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Barty. Barty lifted one hand and clutched desperately at the back of Regulus’s robes. He pressed his forehead into Regulus’ shoulder and exhaled shakily.
“I practice my smile in the mirror all the time,” Barty choked out, “Over and over. He says my real smile is weird, that it makes me look crazy. So I spend hours in front of the mirror, trying to make it better. I study until I want to scream. I try not to get in fights; I keep my mouth shut and take it. I never talk back; I always do what he asks me to do. I just. I keep trying and trying, and I feel like I’m going crazy. I worked so fucking hard this semester, and I thought maybe he’d finally be proud of me.”
“He won’t.” Evan came and sat on Barty’s other side. His voice was gentle, but his words were blunt. “Barty, your father is an arse.” He shook his head as Barty seemed about to protest. “No. I won’t make excuses for someone who’s hurting you. It’s true. He’s an arse. He doesn’t want you to be a person; he wants you to be a clone of himself. He won't ever be satisfied. He’ll just keep moving the finish line until there’s nothing left of who you are.”
“Who I am,” Barty said wearily, “Is a half-crazy failure who enjoys fighting and rule-breaking, shows psychopathic tendencies, and is headed down a dark path.”
“That’s not true,” Regulus said sharply. Barty scoffed, tossing his head back against his bed. Regulus felt his heart squeeze. “It’s not, Barty. You are so amazing. Rough around the edges, yeah, but who do the firsties come to when older students are bullying them? They know that you’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again. You protect the people around you. Anyone who can’t see that is crazy.”
Barty was silent. Regulus ran a hand through Barty’s hair and added, “And I love the way you smile.”
Regulus shifted to sit with his back against the bed. Barty leaned into him, resting his head on Regulus’ shoulder. Evan threaded his fingers through Barty’s, pressing against Barty’s side so that he was sandwiched between them.
“I just wish that I could be enough,” Barty whispered, “I know it’s daft, but I always wanted to be good enough for him. I always wanted to know that someone loved me.”
Regulus leaned his head against Barty’s and murmured, “You are enough, Barty. Just because you’re you.”
“And people do love you,” Evan added softly, “Me, Regulus, Dora, half of first year.” Barty smiled faintly. “But we don’t love you because you get good grades or anything like that. We love you because of who you are. You don’t have to prove anything.”
“And anyone who makes you feel like you have to change to be worthy of love and acceptance isn’t worth your energy.”
Barty shifted slightly, tightening his grip on Evan’s hand. “It’s just hard to realize, you know. That it doesn’t matter how hard you try, they’re never going to love you.”
Regulus huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, B, I know.”
Barty sighed, his breath warm on Regulus’ collarbone. “Yeah. Stupid question.”
“No stupid questions,” Regulus told him softly. He squeezed Barty’s waist briefly. There was quiet for several minutes, Barty merely breathing deeply and staring across the room.
“It’s just,” Barty said, breaking the silence, “Some days, all I can hear is his voice in my head. ‘Why can’t you do better? Why can’t you be better? You’re a failure, a disgrace.’” He paused and then whispered so softly that, even as close as he was, Regulus almost couldn’t hear him. “‘Your mother would be ashamed of you.’ That’s what he tells me every time I go home.”
“She wouldn’t,” Regulus said firmly. “She would never be ashamed of you.”
“No, she wouldn’t,” Evan murmured, “And you’re not a failure. Just because he says it doesn’t make it true. You’re one of the kindest, bravest people I know. And we’ll keep reminding you until his voice shuts the fuck up.”
Barty laughed. “That might take a while.”
“Well, we’ll keep doing it for a while then.” Evan squeezed Barty’s hand tighter.
Again, there was silence, Barty slowly relaxing between them. Evan gently swept his thumb across Barty’s knuckles. Regulus kept his arms firmly around Barty and let him rest.
“Thank you.”
Regulus jumped slightly as Barty suddenly broke the silence. Evan rubbed his thumb across the back of Barty’s hand. “Of course. What else are we here for?”
Barty lifted his head off Regulus’ shoulder. “To help me put the Gryffindors in their place?”
Regulus leaned back, taking Barty’s other hand but putting a little bit of space between their bodies. Barty was still learning how to accept care and understanding from others, and Evan and Regulus tried to respect the fact that Barty struggled with allowing himself comfort outside of an immediate breakdown.
Regulus remained on the floor as Evan stood up.
“We brought you food,” Evan said softly, “You probably should eat something.”
Barty accepted the napkin Evan offered. “Thanks.” His voice was still thick. Evan nodded, turning his attention to the feathers covering the floor. Regulus watched Evan begin cleaning up the mess.
“I’m sorry about this,” Barty mumbled, “‘M such a baby sometimes. It’s just a letter, for Merlin’s sake. I know it’s not nearly as bad-”
“Stop it,” Regulus squeezed Barty’s hand. “Don’t compare. We agreed, literally years ago, not to compare. Just because your dad doesn’t hit you, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t hurt you just as much as my parents.”
Evan nodded, placing the newly repaired pillow back on Barty’s bed. “Your dad is an arse, as I’ve already said, and you don’t need to be physically hurt to be upset about that. It’s not a contest, Barty.”
Barty sighed, but turned his attention to the food in front of him. “Um, you guys know I hate steamed pudding.”
“Oh yeah,” Regulus reached over and took the slice. “That’s mine. But we brought you a bunch of other stuff.”
Barty scoffed. “No fork, though, am I supposed to eat beef with my hands?”
“You’re so posh,” Evan said teasingly, “You’re eating out of a napkin, B, I think you can get a little grease on your hands.”
Regulus choked back a laugh as Barty made a face at Evan’s back. Slowly pulling the food apart with his fingers, Barty seemed like he was working himself up to say something. At last, he mumbled, “I don’t want to go home.”
Evan dropped down onto Barty’s bed, gripping his hands tightly in his lap. “Yeah, that makes sense.”
Regulus scooted closer to Barty, pressing up against him again. “I don’t want to go home either,” he murmured, “But it’s only for a couple of months. You won’t be there forever.” He tried not to grimace as Barty patted his head without wiping his fingers first.
“It’s only a few months,” Barty agreed firmly. “And then we’ll be back here, for the last time, and then we’ll be adults and we can just run away to France or something.”
“Well, I speak French very well, but Evan-”
“Hey!” Evan looked deeply offended. Barty laughed a bit.
“Anyways,” Regulus said, trying to sound cheerful, “We’re not leaving for another week yet, and we’ve got nothing to do most of the time. So, let’s try not to think about home too much. We should go flying tomorrow. Potter and his friends are off to Hogsmead, I heard them talking about it, so they won’t be on the pitch.”
“Ok.” Barty sighed, releasing the last of the tension in his shoulders as he did so. He looked up at Evan and smiled. “You can read a book or some shit.”
Evan rolled his eyes and came to sit on the floor with them again. “Excuse me for not wanting to fall to my death. You two can risk your lives all you want, but I’m perfectly happy to keep my feet on the ground.” He reached out and stole a chip from Barty’s napkin.
“Oi!”