Work Text:
The whole thing starts because JL is not cut out for physics.
The movies don’t get it right. Junior year isn’t about parties, or football, or falling in love— it’s about how cursed it is that everybody has to learn about gravity and forces even though hello, when is JL ever going to need this! As far as he’s concerned, gravity works, and people like Newton, who are giant nerds with IQs of approximately two bazillion, can worry about the rest.
Maybe JL is being dramatic. But it’s 11 PM, the worksheet is due tomorrow, and while JL’s managed to guess his way through the multiple choice and true false sections, there is nothing he can do about the parts where he actually has to do physics.
He opens up the group chat.
JL: [screenshot.jpg]
JL: please help
Two pings.
Woongki: lol
Shuaibo: lol
JL rolls his eyes. Woongki and Shuaibo are in his physics class and while it makes physics fun, they are all equally useless at the subject. JL is willing to bet money that their worksheets are just as empty or maybe even emptier than his own. He doesn’t even have money. That’s how confident he is.
Woongki: just give up <3
Woongki: we can’t do it
Other profiles blip onto the chat before promptly disappearing. Steven and Jeongwoo already passed physics last year and have, according to Jeongwoo, “blocked all memories of it due to trauma.” Plus, they’re too busy worrying about college applications (?!) to concern themselves with this kind of thing.
“JL!” his mom shouts from downstairs. “Come help with the kitchen!”
“Coming!” JL shouts back. Might as well. He isn’t going to finish this anytime soon. He loads the dishwasher, mops the floor, then when the kitchen is all clean makes himself a bowl of pancit canton. He carries the bowl into his room and checks the group chat again, twirling the noodles around his fork.
There are a lot of messages, actually. He scrolls up.
Han: [edited_screenshot.jpg]
Han: I’m not totally sure if this is right, but maybe it will help?
At that moment JL is certain that he saved a country in his past life to be friends with Han, because on his computer is an edited image of his physics worksheet with all the questions filled in. Han’s handwriting is so neat that JL genuinely thinks for a moment that he had typed his answers up, and he’s numbered all of the steps of his logic and written little notes describing his thought processes.
So, Han is kind of a giant nerd with an IQ of two bazillion.
Shuaibo: OUR AP PHYSICS GOD
Woongki: hani. omg.
Woongki: i’m like… in love with you :*
Han: Please don’t
Shuaibo: #REJECTED
Woongki: love is hard :(
Shuaibo: i mean tbf
Shuaibo: [crime.jpg]
Woongki: LOL
Han: … See if I ever help you guys with physics ever again.
Shuaibo: NO!! I’M SORRY!
Woongki: I TAKE IT BACK!!
So, JL gets the first part, about being endlessly grateful and in love with Han (haha what) but he doesn’t know about the second part.
He looks at the picture that Shuaibo sent, a jpeg of Han’s face behind prison bars, with a caption at the bottom in blocky white letters: CRIME. It’s a meme, of course. A 2010’s esque meme. And JL doesn’t know anything about it.
That kind of hurts. JL’s fine struggling with physics, but memes? He’s a Gen-Z, he’s supposed to know his memes! Especially if they involve Han. JL looks at it for a minute, trying to figure out what makes it funny. As far as he can tell it’s a perfectly normal picture of Han, sans the prison bars.
What on earth does it mean?
(He ignores the part of him that whispers that Han looks good. As always. Even in a meme.)
A private message from Han appears at the top of the screen. Did it help?
Right. Physics. JL can’t fail, not after Han’s hard work. He spends the next half hour filling in the problems with Han’s logic as a guide. He actually does understand it better after going through it.
tysm , JL writes back. you’re such a good teacher ^_^
Han doesn’t see it, which JL is used to. Han is usually offline. It’s why he’s an honors student.
Now that JL’s done with physics, he opens TikTok, but then his door slams open.
“Sleep. Now,” his mom says, pointing at his bed. JL goes to brush his teeth, and then promptly passes out from exhaustion. As his vision goes dark he resolves to ask Han about the meme tomorrow.
---
“Tomorrow” is a Wednesday, which is useful, because that means that JL has choir practice before school with Han.
His alarm goes off at 6 AM, which is frankly, too early to be alive. JL groans. His fine motor skills aren’t that great in the morning, so he gets his head and arms tangled up in his clothes in some kind of sweater monster situation, but after crossing that hurdle he’s fine.
The sky is a pale blue when he heads out of the house, the horizons tinged with a gentle light. He pulls at the door to make sure that he locked it properly; satisfied, he heads in the direction of the Park house. It’s autumn, the air crisp and a little too chilly the way it is in early morning, a thin layer of frost covering the grass.
The Park house is a few blocks away. JL’s about to knock on the door when it swings open.
“Hey,” Han says. “Juwon’s still eating breakfast. Come in.”
JL shrugs off his backpack and his shoes and heads inside. Cookie, the Park family’s cat, walks over and rubs against JL’s ankle. “Hey, Cookie,” JL says, crouching down and gently petting the top of her head.
He walks into the kitchen. Juwon appears to be deep in thought, staring into his cereal like it contains all the secrets of the universe, but once he sees JL he brightens up. “Hey!”
JL smiles. He doesn’t come over every morning, because sometimes it takes all of his willpower just to wake up on time at all, but when he’s able to he likes walking to school with Juwon and Han. Wednesday is when Juwon also has swim practice in the mornings, so it works out well.
The three of them all went to the same elementary school together, and Juwon and JL were friends first. Even though they weren’t in the same grade, JL didn’t mind at all, and he would always get so excited to meet up with Juwan at recess.
JL didn’t really know what to make of Juwon’s brother, who was so smart and whose voice was so beautiful in chorus, but when JL came over to Juwon’s house for the first time to hang out, he remembers that Han told him, “You’re JL, right? You’re really good at singing,” and so it turned out that he got along with Han as well.
“It’s kind of annoying,” Han tells him, years later. “We’re always fighting over you at our house.”
Maybe JL knows, because Juwon pouts if JL talks to Han too long about topics specific to their grade, and Han asks, “Hey, what are you guys talking about?” when Juwon and JL are losing their minds over some stupid TikTok even though Han doesn’t like TikTok enough to have it downloaded on his phone. And Mrs. Park, after JL’s numerous and exuberant compliments on her kimchi, started keeping a tupperware of kimchi in the fridge labeled with JL’s name. “You’re her favorite son,” Juwon grumbles.
Anyway, JL loves everybody in that house so damn much. He hopes they don’t really fight over him. He has enough love to go around.
Juwon finishes up his cereal and the three of them head out, waving hello to a neighbor as they spill onto the sidewalk.
“I don’t know if you got my message,” JL tells Han. “But thank you so much for your help yesterday. You saved my life, for real.”
“Oh,” Han says modestly. “Yeah, no problem.”
Juwon shivers. “I am so not looking forward to physics.”
“Yeah, enjoy being a sophomore while it lasts,” JL agrees. It was so nice last year. Nobody was asking him about ACTs or SATs or any other tests with equally terrifying abbreviations. And chemistry, while difficult, was still at least somewhat comprehensible.
Oh. That reminds him. “Hey, what was that meme about?” JL asks.
“What meme?” Han says, confused, but then his eyes widen. “Oh.”
“What meme?” Juwon echoes, but then he looks at Han’s reaction. “Oh.”
JL has no idea what’s happening, or what the look Juwon and Han exchange means. “So, like, what crime did you commit?” JL asks.
“There’s no crime,” Han says. “It’s just a meme.”
“But like—”
“I plead the fifth,” Han says. “And don’t ask me about it, or I won’t help you any more with physics.”
“Right,” JL says. Han’s voice is light, like he’s joking, but somehow JL also feels like he’s serious. “I really am so grateful, by the way. Your notes helped a lot, Hani! I think that the next time I get asked a question on this topic, I’ll have a better chance of answering it.”
“Well…” Han says, turning away. “Good.”
There’s an awkward silence, and then Juwon pipes up. “JL, did you see the ZB1 tour announcement?”
“Oh my god yes ,” JL says, promptly forgetting physics and crimes and everything else. “I don’t know if I want them to come here or not, because it’s like, I don’t have money to see them anyway, but just imagine ZB1, here, wouldn’t that be amazing?”
“I’d love to hear them perform Blue live,” Juwon agrees.
“Right? And also Devil Game, like it’s a b-side so I don’t know if it would make the setlist but that would go crazy,” JL agrees.
While the three of them discuss the setlist of a concert they have no idea if they can actually attend, JL totally misses Juwon mouth to Han, you’re welcome , and Han sigh and mouth yeah I owe you one in return. JL does, however, catch Juwon’s lips curving into a satisfied smile.
“What?” JL asks.
“Huh?” Juwon says quickly. “Nothing!”
“Right,” JL says, but then they’re at school and their paths are diverging, and JL gets ready for choir.
---
Because JL’s Spanish class is right down the hall from physics, he always gets there with a few minutes to spare. He takes a seat at his lab table and sets his backpack at his feet.
Shuaibo and Woongki must have the same class beforehand because they always arrive at the same time. “Heyyyyyyy,” Woongki says, sliding onto the stool across from him. “Shall we compare homework answers?”
JL, Woongki, and Shuaibo set their worksheets on the table. Unsurprisingly, they all have variations of Han’s work on the last page, although they “collaborate” on homework often enough that they have all mastered the art of making their derived work seem original.
“Wow, we’re so smart,” Woongki says. Pauses. “A little too smart, actually.”
Woongki clicks his pencil and flips a negative sign on question 10, while Shuaibo adds an extra zero to his answer on question 11.
“Han’s stuff actually makes a lot of sense, right?” JL says.
“I don’t know about that, but he definitely knows what he’s doing,” Shuaibo says.
JL opens his mouth to respond, but that’s when the bell rings. JL sighs and starts taking notes.
He’s really glad that the three of them wound up in the same physics class this year. They were all in the same chemistry class last year, which was when they first became friends, and JL was elated when they compared schedules back in August and found that they would have science together again.
With some of his friends, JL can’t remember their first meeting at all; when he looks back at it, it’s like they were always part of his life, and he can’t imagine what it was like before that. However, with Woongki and Shuaibo, he remembers exactly the moment that they started talking, and that’s because JL breaks out into a cold sweat every time he remembers it.
Back in sophomore year, he was trying to be organized and kept a bullet journal, where he wrote things like “math chapter 12” and “write haobin 1k.” He was in chemistry, copying the homework questions from the whiteboard onto the dotted pages, when one of his classmates leaned over and asked “What’s a Haobin?” and JL felt his heart fall through the floor and lodge itself inside the center of the earth.
“Um… nothing…” he mumbled, snapping the notebook shut. The classmate gave him a weird look before shrugging and turning around.
JL spent the rest of class with a band of ice inside his chest, cursing himself for ever wanting to be organized and get his life together— he’s an ENFP, for god’s sake! When the bell finally rang and he was packing up his bags, a guy tapped him on the shoulder with a blinding smile and said, “You like ZB1?” and JL, whose nerves were not strong enough for this, said, “Yeah… you?”
That was how he became friends with Woongki, and by extension Shuaibo.
He remembers that Shuaibo was really shy back then, so much that JL thought that Woongki was the louder one. Nowadays JL hears Shuaibo reach the decibel level of a fighter jet on a regular basis.
He’s really grateful. He had friends back in freshman year, of course, but he never really felt like he fit in with his friend group from back then. Even though he, Woongki, and Shuaibo are a group of three, he always feels like Woongki and Shuaibo make room for him, like if they were walking along a too-narrow sidewalk they wouldn’t leave him behind.
JL spends physics attempting to copy the diagrams from the whiteboard into his notebook, and when the bell finally rings he stuffs his notebook into his bag and heads with Woongki and Shuaibo to lunch. Han only has half a lunch because AP physics is one and a half periods, which JL thinks is insane.
Speaking of Han.
“Hey, what was that meme you sent last night?” JL asks Shuaibo.
“What meme?” Shuaibo asks, before his eyes widen. “Oh, that meme.”
“Guys, what is this sandwich?” Woongki says, returning from the lunch line. “It’s like three-quarters lettuce.”
JL takes a look— the ratio of lettuce to sandwich is impressive, but he refuses to be distracted. “So, like, what was the crime?” he asks.
Shuaibo thinks for a minute. “It was… um… trespassing.”
“Trespassing?” JL says.
“Uh… yes,” Shuaibo says, nodding. “Basically, Han barged in on the set of Hell’s Kitchen and told Gordon Ramsay, ‘bro, your steak is way undercooked and so are you.’ He was hauled off set, but not before cooking a steak that made Gordon Ramsay repent on his own arrogance, kind of like that scene in Ratatouille where the emo guy has the flashback back to his childhood and acknowledges that in fact you can cook if you are a rat, and—”
“Um, what?” Woongki says, while JL nearly spits his soup out from laughing too hard. “That is not what happened.”
“That is so what happened,” Shuaibo says.
“OMG, JL, don’t listen to him, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Woongki says. “It wasn’t trespassing. It was identity theft.”
Plot twist?
“Okay…” Shuaibo says, eyes crinkling in amusement. “Whose identity did he steal?”
“Mariah Carey’s,” Woongki says dramatically. “He took her place at the United Center during her tour, and he got halfway through the set without anybody realizing that anything was off, until he was doing ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You,’ and right before the high note somebody yelled, ‘Wait a second, Mariah Carey isn’t KOREAN!’ and he was escorted off the stage by the police. He hit the high note though.”
“Guys, stop,” JL gasps, at this point completely having given up on eating his soup because he’s laughing so hard he can’t breathe.
Shuaibo’s also cracking up. “Okay, okay,” he says. “You’re right. It was identity theft.”
“Of course it was,” Woongki says, faux-arrogant.
“Anyway, JL, I wasn’t the one who made the meme,” Shuaibo says. “I got it from Jeongwoo.”
“Oh, okay,” JL says, resolving to ask Jeongwoo about it later.
“And JL, here’s a hint,” Woongki says mysteriously. “The crime is not the punchline.”
“Huh?” JL says.
“Nothing,” Woongki says. “Does anybody want to trade for my sandwich?”
“Um, over my dead body,” Shuaibo says. JL snaps his granola bar in two, handing Woongki the bigger half.
---
Fortunately, JL has band with Jeongwoo in seventh period, although JL plays the saxophone and Jeongwoo plays the flute so they sit in different sections. After class is over (they’re going to be doing the Incredibles theme song for their next concert— JL is so excited), JL weaves his way through his classmates and crouches down next to where Jeongwoo is tightening the clasps on his case.
“Jeongwoo,” JL says. “Shuaibo says you sent him the meme of Han? Do you know what it’s about?”
“What meme— oh, that meme,” Jeongwoo says.
“So, like, what’s the crime?” JL says.
Jeongwoo pauses. Thinks for a moment. “Han shoplifted ten thousand gold bars from Fort Knox.”
“I see…” JL says slowly. (He does not see.) “Thanks!”
He wants to ask more, but he still hasn’t packed up his saxophone and the bell is about to ring, and his gym class is all the way on the other side of the school. JL barely makes it there on time.
Shoplifting ten thousand gold bars from Fort Knox. Of all crimes, the least likely would be shoplifting.
There was this one Saturday back in the summer when Han had called him, and when JL picked up Han didn’t even bother with a greeting, just yelled “JL I ACCIDENTALLY SHOPLIFTED FROM THE A-MART,” his voice laced with the panic of somebody who had not planned to commit a crime but was now a criminal.
“What?” JL said. “What do you mean?”
“I was getting ingredients from the A-Mart and I was thinking about the recipe so when I went to the self-checkout station, I kind of just… put my stuff in the bags and forgot the part where you’re supposed to scan and pay. Yeah.”
Wow. That sounded like something JL would do, not Han. “You forgot to pay?” JL asked, laughing. “What recipe was this, anyway?”
“Oh, um…” Han said. “Um… it was just… something that Juwon showed me on Instagram.”
JL was starting to understand Han’s plight more. “Yeah, they always make it look so easy on Instagram but then like it’s really difficult and doesn’t turn out well,” JL said. “So, are you in the parking lot?”
“Nope, I’m at my house,” Han said. “This was four hours ago. I just realized because I went to go look at the receipt, before realizing there was no receipt. Because I forgot to pay.”
“This is more on the A-Mart than you,” JL said critically. “Aren’t the self-checkout machines supposed to complain if you don’t pay?”
“I don’t know,” Han said. “Do you think it’d be alright if I went back and paid now?”
“Um…” JL said. “I mean, they aren’t going to stop you, right? Go for it!”
And so apparently Han drove back to the A-Mart so he could re-scan and pay for his twenty dollars worth of ingredients. It really felt more like a JL moment than a Han moment, because Han was usually so careful and focused with everything that he did, but JL just chalked it up to a funny story and didn’t think anything more of it.
Two days later, he headed over to Han and Juwon’s house to watch a movie. He and Juwon hung out in Juwon’s room while Han made snacks, because for safety reasons JL and Juwon were both banned from the kitchen. Han preferred to be alone when he made food, anyway, which JL can respect as someone who can’t write anything with somebody else in the room.
So, JL was surprised when he came downstairs, because—
He remembers telling Juwon that it had been five years since he had last gone to the Philippines, because plane tickets were impossibly expensive and his family didn’t usually have the luxury of going back all together. And it was fine, JL’s Tagalog wasn’t as rusty as it could be because hello, how else was he supposed to read Haobin social media fics, but he missed it sometimes, his grandparents and cousins, the shimmering heat and the passing scent of street food.
“I want halo-halo so bad,” JL had said, and when Juwon said that halo-halo sounded so cute, what was it, JL explained that it literally translated to “mix-mix” and showed him pictures, these tall glasses of fruit and shaved ice in every color of the rainbow.
“It looks so good,” Juwon said, fascinated.
“Right?” JL said. “We love a dessert that is gay and chaotic.”
So Han wasn’t in the kitchen but it must have been Han, right? On the table were three glasses of halo-halo, frosty and bright and topped with strawberry ice cream. Juwon was right behind him, saying, “Oh, wow, I’m so excited,” but JL couldn’t even speak.
“Um,” Han said, coming in from the living room, where he was setting up the TV. “I hope you guys like it, I tried my best.”
Juwon was already digging in. “This is so interesting,” he said. “There is so much going on in here.”
JL took a bite, too. He managed to get about five layers onto the spoon, mango and fruit loops and jelly. “Is it good?” Han says.
“It’s amazing, Hani,” JL said, and in that moment he wished that he were better with words. “Thank you.”
“I couldn’t find a lot of the ingredients so I had to make a lot of substitutions…” Han said. “I hope it’s still okay.”
“I think that’s the point of halo-halo,” JL said. “Like that’s exactly the spirit.”
“Okay,” Han said. “I’m glad you like it.”
They ate the halo-halo while watching Singing In The Rain. JL finished as much as he could before it melted and then drank the rest of it. The taste lingered for the rest of the day, sticky and sweet, familiar and foreign, colorful and indescribable, like that quiet ache in his chest when he thought about the way that Han smiled when JL told him that he got it right.
---
Since JL doesn’t have any after-school activities on Tuesday, he goes to study with Han at the library.
“You’re going to Juwon’s swim meet, right?” Han asks.
JL nods. “Yes!”
“Maybe I’ll make a banner,” Han muses. “A really embarrassing one.”
“Ooh,” JL says. “I have glitter if you need it.”
They don’t talk much because Han is the kind of person who actually studies and it makes JL want to study hard, too, but when JL gets to the review worksheet for the upcoming physics midterm he sighs loudly enough for Han to look up. “Do you want me to help?”
JL is about to say no before he thinks better of it. He does, in fact, want Han to help. “Actually, can you teach me free body diagrams? I feel like I can never get them right.”
“Sure.”
Their teacher is always emphasizing free body diagrams so there are quite a few questions on it on the review worksheet. The first one depicts a box being dragged horizontally along a frictionless surface. “Okay, there’s, um, gravity,” JL says, drawing a downward arrow. “And then, there’s… a normal force?”
“Yes,” Han says. “They’re cancelling each other out. That’s why the box isn’t falling downward into the floor and also why it isn’t shooting upward. When something’s not moving in a direction it means that the total force being applied in that direction is zero.”
“Okay,” JL says. That actually does make sense to him. “And then there’s… a force in the horizontal direction, right? Because of the rope. So it’s moving in that direction.”
“You got it,” Han says, smiling.
The next question depicts a football traveling through the air toward the right of the page. “Obviously, gravity,” JL says, drawing a downward arrow. “And then… since it’s moving to the right, there’s also a force to the right?”
He draws an arrow to the right but he can’t tell if it’s correct. He looks at Han, whose expression is inscrutable. JL bites his lip and erases it. Draws it in again. Erases it.
“I don’t know,” JL finally says.
“So that one’s difficult because there isn’t actually a force to the right, even though it’s moving that way,” Han explains. “The horizontal speed isn’t changing. It’s the first law, where an object in motion will stay in motion unless a force acts upon it.”
“So how did it start moving?”
“I guess because someone kicked it,” Han says. “The force was applied back then.”
“Ugh…” JL groans, thunking his head on the table. “Okay, but like, what if the wind is blowing on it? Then would there be a force applied?”
Han tilts his head, thinking it over. “I’m actually not sure. You might be right.”
“Well, at this point I’m good with gravity, at least,” JL sighs. “If there’s a free body diagram I always add the downward arrow right away.”
“If you think about it, it’s kind of interesting,” Han says. “That in a way, we’re always falling.”
Is it possible to draw the free body diagram of me falling for you? JL thinks.
And then, ugh, that is the worst thought I have ever had.
… how can I incorporate it into a Haobin fic?
“Earth to JL?” Han says.
“Um,” JL says, panicking. “That was really poetic!”
“Thanks,” Han says.
I don’t like him, JL thinks desperately. I don’t like him I don’t like him I don’t like him—
ippeo ippeo (3)
JL: guys do you think Zhang Hao or Hanbin would be more likely to be fail physics
Shuaibo: ?
Shuaibo: tbh both of them seem like they’d be pretty good at it
JL: T_T you’re right
Woongki: i would say Hanbin
Woongki: like not on his own
Woongki: but if Hao were in his class. He’d be distracted.
JL: ty
---
JL almost forgets about the meme. He’s texting Han, sending hearts in response to a picture of Cookie in her loaf form (she is exactly the shape of wonder bread, it’s adorable) when the main group chat explodes with activity because ZB1 just dropped their tour schedule.
Juwon: THEY’RE COMING HERE!!
JL: OMG
JL: i want to see them so bad!! but i’m so broke
(JL is always broke. It comes with being a high schooler.)
Han: It’s your birthday soon, right? I could get you a ticket
Han: Wait sorry
Han: Wrong chat
Juwon: hmm, really…?
Chihen: [crime.jpg]
Shuaibo: CHIH NO!!
Woongki: CHIH WE’RE FAILING PHYSICS
Chihen: ?
Chihen: how is that my problem
Woongki starts sending in ZB1 memes, and Han doesn’t say anything else in the main group chat.
JL thinks about asking Han about the meme. Thinks better of it. Thinks about asking Han if he knows that JL’s birthday isn’t for another few months. Thinks better of that too. Last summer Han spent his summer working at the local sushi place when he wasn’t busy studying, and JL knows that Han’s trying to save up for university. He doesn’t want to get in the way of that.
He goes back to his private messages with Han.
JL: I want to go to the concert, but only if you’re going!
Han: I mean I really like their music so I really want to go too. With you and Juwon.
JL: you definitely don’t have to buy my ticket! it’s fine I’ll just beg my parents
Han: Alright, just let me know. The offer’s open on my end.
---
It surprises JL that it’s Chihen who’s sending in that meme. Chihen doesn’t really talk in that group chat at all unless he thinks it’s something worth saying, so it makes it even more of a mystery.
JL resolves to ask Chihen about his reasoning. It takes a while, though, because Chihen’s difficult to track down.
Chihen is JL’s adopted freshman. Yes, Chihen is a sophomore now, but he’s still JL’s adopted freshman and that will never change. He’s on swim team with Juwon, and JL remembers one weekend where he was getting ice cream with Woongki and Juwon and somehow the topic got to Chihen.
“I don’t know, he’s kind of scary,” Juwon says.
“Chihen?” JL says. “No way. He’s really sweet.”
“Sweet?” Juwon asks in disbelief. “Are we talking about the same Chihen?”
JL shrugs. “He’s sweet to me.”
“I agree with both of you,” Woongki says. “Like, he’s really scary, no offense JL, but there are moments when he’s shockingly sweet. It’s kind of heart-fluttering actually. I like a guy with duality.”
“Both of you are crazy,” Juwon says, returning to his gelato.
Woongki rests his chin on his hands. “But like, Juwon, you think he’s really good-looking, right?”
“What?” Juwon splutters. “Why are you asking me that?”
“Don’t you?”
“I mean, isn’t he just, like, objectively good-looking?” Juwon says, cheeks going pink. “It’s not like it means anything to me.”
“Aw, Juwonie,” Woongki says. Juwon looks like he wants to die.
JL will mind his own business on that front, but he really does want to know about the meme, so when he spots Chihen in the school library on his way to lunch with Woongki and Shuaibo he says, “Actually, you two go on without me, I’ll catch up with you guys later.”
“Alright, see you,” Woongki says.
JL is glad that neither Shuaibo nor Woongki saw Chihen, because if they did they would definitely want to head into the library with JL, and JL’s fairly certain that they would get kicked out in five minutes for being loud. Shuaibo in particular gets along like a house on fire with Chihen, the two of them sharing a wavelength just for them.
Chihen’s sitting alone at one of the tables, typing on a Chromebook. When JL takes a seat next to him, Chihen takes his earbuds out.
“Hey,” JL says. “What are you writing about?”
“It’s my paper for world history,” Chihen says. JL catches a glimpse of his screen, where WHY WE SHOULD UNDO THE AGRICULTURAL REVOLUTION is written in block letters at the top of the page.
“Huh,” JL says.
Chihen catches JL’s gaze and says, “If we didn’t have the agricultural revolution, I wouldn’t have to spend time writing this paper.”
“Fair enough,” JL says.
Officially the rule is that you can’t eat in the library but everybody eats there, so unofficially you can eat in the library but hot lunch is strongly discouraged. Because of this, JL doesn’t open his thermos of rice, but instead opens a plastic package of mini muffins.
Chihen stares at the muffins with a look of intense yearning. Seriously, how does anybody think this kid is scary?
“Want one?” JL says, offering him the package.
“... Thank you,” Chihen says quietly, taking a muffin and popping it into his mouth.
JL ends up giving two of the four mini muffins to Chihen. He goes to throw out the plastic wrapping and stops at the trash can. Wait. Why is he in the library again? Oh, right.
“Hey, Chih,” JL says. “What was that meme you sent into the group chat?”
“The…” Chihen frowns. “Oh.”
“I mean, like, was the crime?”
Chihen is quiet for a moment. And then he says, “Arson.”
“Arson?” JL asks.
He waits, but Chihen does not elaborate or even blink.
“Okay,” JL says. “Um…”
“I don’t really know anything about the meme,” Chihen says, with a bored expression. “Maybe you should ask Steven.”
Since JL doesn’t think that Han is an arsonist— if he was interested in watching things burn, he shouldn’t be so opposed to having JL and Juwon in the kitchen— asking Steven seems like the best bet.
“Thanks,” JL says. Chihen gives him a little salute and goes back to writing his paper, and JL heads to the cafeteria to eat lunch.
---
As much as JL loves pestering people, he genuinely feels bad pestering Steven these days because Steven is so busy. That’s probably what happens when you’re a smart, athletic, competent upperclassman. JL is also an upperclassman, but he does not feel like it at all.
He manages to catch Steven after school when Steven is running into the parking lot. And by running, JL means running: Steven’s hair is matted to his forehead and his entire shirt is a single sweat stain, even though it’s that point in autumn where the wind has a cruel bite to it and warm sweaters and pumpkin spice lattes are in season. JL has sports that he enjoys, likes playing volleyball and soccer, but he does not understand runners. Like, just, why?
“JL!” Steven says, smiling brightly. Even though he looks like he’s just run a marathon, he doesn’t sound out of breath at all. Sometimes JL thinks that Steven is a secret member of the Avengers.
“Steven!” JL says, waving. Even though Steven is so busy, he always seems glad to see JL. “… How much did you run?”
“Oh, it was a long run day, so like, ten miles?” Steven says, like that is a normal activity that normal people partake in. JL must be making a crazy face right now because Steven bursts out laughing.
“I have to help everybody clean up,” Steven says. More of the Cross Country runners are spilling into the parking lot, most looking like they’re about to die. “I’ll be done in like fifteen, okay! If you want to wait.”
JL waits. The next time Steven appears, he’s changed into clean clothing and holding two bags of ice. “What’s the ice for?” JL asks. “Are you hurt?”
“Nah, it’s a form of prevention, not a cure,” Steven says. He kneels and starts tying the ice around his shins with a long bandage. JL makes a gesture, like, give me, and wraps it around his shins for him.
“Thanks,” Steven says.
“No problem,” JL says. “Nice leg warmers. Or, um, leg colders.”
Steven is so nice that he laughs at that instead of ignoring him. “Hey, want to come over? Our family just hosted a dinner party so we have so much food leftover. I can drive you home.”
“OMG, yes,” JL says. He’s incredibly excited.
JL texts his mom that he’ll be home late, and gets on the bus with Steven. Steven lives in a different neighborhood than him, on a pretty cul-de-sac with lots of big houses. His parents are the kind of people who have their life together, which must be where Steven got his having-his-life-together genes from. Steven’s dad told JL that he’ll give JL a recommendation in the future if JL wants to work at his company. Honestly, JL has no idea what Steven’s dad actually does, and the idea of employment is not particularly appealing to him in general, but it’s a kind offer.
Steven wasn’t kidding about the leftover food. The fridge is stuffed, a giant bowl of bulgogi covered with saran wrap, a heavy pot half-full of kimchi jjigae, and a tupperware full of assorted kimbap.
“Thank you so much for helping us finish this food,” Steven’s mom says, like it’s some great burden to JL when he is, in fact, having the time of his life.
Since it’s a school night, JL does his homework while Steven writes his college essays. “I feel so weird bragging about myself,” Steven groans, and JL offers to brag for him but Steven shakes his head. “Nah, I’ll figure it out.”
“No, really!” JL says earnestly. “There’s so many good things about you! You work hard at everything you do, even if you don’t necessarily like it, and you take really good care of others, and—”
“OKAY,” Steven says. “I mean, thank you.”
JL shuts up, with great effort. He’s a little disappointed that Steven doesn’t seem to believe him. It’s his favorite thing ever to brag about his friends, so he kind of wishes that he could write Steven’s college essay for him.
At 8 PM, they give up on being productive and end up playing Mario Kart. JL isn’t all that great at Mario Kart compared to say, Woongki, but he and Steven are pretty evenly matched. They do Rainbow Road and JL’s ahead but then the colors suddenly remind him of halo-halo, and then he thinks of Han, and then he falls off the road. And proceeds to continue falling off the road.
In a way, we’re always falling.
“I win,” Steven cheers, dropping the remote. The round is over, and Steven’s Bowser takes a victory lap around JL’s Princess Peach.
“Hey,” JL says. “Chihen said to ask you about the meme. About Han.”
“The meme about… oh, yeah, that meme,” Steven says. He looks away.
“What was the crime?” JL says. “I mean, Chihen said it was arson, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t arson.”
“It’s…”
JL waits. Mario Kart music plays in the background.
Steven sighs. “It’s the same crime that I used to commit, but I’m trying not to commit it anymore these days because I don’t think it’s going to work out for me.”
“Huh?” JL says, confused. Since when does Steven commit crimes?
Steven coughs. “Nothing. Ignore what I just said,” he says. “Chihen is right. It’s arson.”
“Steven,” JL pleads.
“It’s getting late, right?” Steven says. He stands up. Outside the windows, the sky is dark, a cold autumn night. “Come on, I’ll drive you home.”
---
Han does not bring a banner to Juwon’s swim meet, which is probably best for Juwon. JL can’t imagine that extreme embarrassment is good for competitive morale. The air is warm, mixed with the heady scent of chlorine. Scattered along the bleachers are students and parents, JL and Han in a middle row to avoid the splash zone.
JL nudges Han. “Hey.”
“What’s up?”
“I just wanted to say thank you,” JL says. “I got an 88 on my physics midterm.”
“That’s fantastic,” Han says, and while his voice is monotone JL knows he’s being sincere. “I’m happy I could be of help.”
“I definitely owe you one.”
Han shakes his head. “You don’t owe me anything.”
“I’ll buy you bubble tea next time we’re at the mall?” JL says innocently. Han doesn’t have many weaknesses, but tapioca is definitely one of them.
“... you can buy me bubble tea next time we’re at the mall,” Han says, trying to hide his smile.
“Yay,” JL cheers. “Ooh, I think Juwon’s up next.”
On land, Juwon might be cute, but in water it’s a different story. Even though he’s a sophomore, his swim skills are already so legendary that students in other schools don’t want to be up against him. If there weren’t a limit on the number of events a single student could compete in, JL’s pretty sure that the coach would have Juwon race in all of them.
“Let’s go Juwon!” JL calls.
He watches Juwon dive into the water for the 200 Free. Predictably, nobody else stands a chance.
---
On weekends, JL volunteers at the local community center. His friend Daisuke has music lessons there, and JL often drives him home. Just like Chihen, Daisuke is JL’s adopted freshman, except Daisuke is actually a freshman. He is so adorable. JL hopes he’ll stay like that forever.
Daisuke usually looks pretty depressed after his music lessons because his teacher’s so strict, but after murdering JL at a few rounds of badminton he’s right back to his usual cheery self. “I helped my friend decorate some cookies last weekend,” Daisuke tells him. “Want to see them?”
“Of course,” JL says. Daisuke hands over his phone, and JL scrolls through his gallery. The cookies are in the shapes of various sports equipment, basketballs and soccer balls and baseballs, and if JL didn’t know any better he would think that they were promo pictures from a bakery. Daisuke doesn’t brag about it or even seem to register it, but he’s an excellent artist.
“Wow, you could be a patissier,” JL says, examining the stitching on one of the baseballs. “Did you use a frosting bag?”
“Yep,” Daisuke says, pleased. “It was pretty cool.”
The last time JL tried using a frosting bag, the cake ended up looking like a crime scene, so he’s impressed. He continues scrolling through his gallery, making various little complimentary sounds, until he scrolls a little too far, and there it is.
The meme.
“HUH?” JL says.
“What?” Daisuke says, then sees what JL’s looking at. “Oh. Um. I don’t think I’m supposed to have that. Juwon said not to show anybody…”
“Juwon?”
“UH,” Daisuke says. “I mean… no-won! NO ONE told me not to show anybody. I am just like. Not supposed to show anybody.”
“Why aren’t you supposed to show anybody?” JL asks.
“Well,” Daisuke says, rubbing the back of his neck. “I mean, it’s bad to commit crimes, right?”
JL can’t really argue with that one. “I guess you’re right. What’s this specific crime about?”
“Um…” Daisuke says, eyes darting around. “I’m really sorry, JL, but I can’t tell you.”
Daisuke looks so earnest that JL immediately lets it go. Besides, if Juwon really told Daisuke not to tell anyone, then JL definitely won’t make Daisuke betray his friend. He knows that those two are close.
But the thing is that it just isn’t funny anymore. There’s a running joke with JL that despite being chronically online he frequently does not know his memes— a while ago Daisuke had to teach him about the 6-7 meme and JL had to console himself that he must have just missed that particular TikTok — but this is different. Everybody is in on the joke except for him.
---
Han’s at school early to take a practice exam, so it’s just him and Juwon on the way to school today. It’s bitterly cold this morning, the sun hidden behind the clouds, and while usually the two of them never ran out of things to talk about, today is silent.
Juwon sneezes.
“Do you want my scarf?” JL offers.
Juwon shakes his head. “No, I’m good.”
“Juwon,” JL says.
“Yeah?”
“We’re best friends, right?” JL says.
“Of course we are,” Juwon says.
“Then,” JL pleads. “Can you please tell me what’s up with the meme?”
Juwon does not ask what meme JL is referring to. He bites his lip.
“I mean,” JL says. “Shuaibo and Woongki know, and Chihen and Steven know, but I don’t know and nobody will tell me. So I was hoping that you would tell me.”
“It’s really…” Juwon says. He tries to smile, but it’s strained and uncomfortable, a far cry from the real thing. “I mean, I promise it isn’t anything bad.”
“It’s Han, right?” JL says. He feels like he’s about to cry. “Like, he went back to the A-Mart to pay for his halo-halo ingredients after he accidentally stole them. So I want to know what’s so funny.”
“It isn’t that funny, JL,” Juwon says. “It doesn’t really mean anything. It’s just a stupid meme.”
“If it’s so stupid then why won’t you tell me?”
“I just can’t,” Juwon says. He looks miserable. “I’m really sorry, JL.”
And JL hates it, because Juwon usually looks so happy to see him, but right now he seems as if he wants to be as far away from JL as possible. Juwon’s at the very edge of the sidewalk, like he’s trying to escape to the other side of the street, and as much as JL wants to know what’s so funny he doesn’t want Juwon to look at him like that.
“JL?” Juwon says. “You’re my best friend.”
JL nods. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I won’t ask you about it anymore.”
“Don’t be sorry,” Juwon says.
The rest of the walk is silent, and JL’s eyes are red when he walks into first period that day.
---
JL’s at home, staring at the ceiling.
Honestly, he should never have asked anybody about the meme. That morning when Han wouldn’t tell him about it is the morning when he should have let it go. And he can’t fault his friends for not being honest with him when he can’t even be honest about himself.
He hasn’t told anybody because if he did it would make it real. He tries so hard to be normal around Han, because maybe if he acted normally, talked and smiled just like he always did, then he would be normal about him. Wouldn’t be obsessed with him, or crazy about him. Wouldn’t like Han so much that it literally terrified him, that he could feel that way about another person.
He doesn’t remember when it started. Just that one day, Han looked at him, and JL forgot how to breathe. Is still trying to remember how to breathe.
Sometimes the feeling is so intense that JL almost wonders how he can physically contain it. And it’s like, JL always does his best to be kind to others, and several people have described him as selfless, but JL’s never understood that word because if it makes him happy to make others happy, is there any difference between selfless and selfish?
He doesn’t know what he can give Han. He wonders if Han knows that. Han already teaches him physics and makes him halo-halo and offers to buy him concert tickets, and JL has no idea what to do in return. And the worst part is that Han already does all that for him, and JL still wants more, wants Han to look at him and only him, wants Han to give him everything. And if it’s like that, well, JL must be the most selfish person in the world.
---
JL’s really glad for when the weekend rolls around, because this week at school he’s just felt off. He and Juwon are okay but Juwon still looks miserable, so JL needs to get it together. No way he’s going to let his friendship get torn apart by some stupid meme.
Sure, he reasons, it sucks to be out of the loop and his FOMO is acting up like the teenage version of arthritis, but it’s just not worth thinking about anymore. He knows his friends; they’d never hurt him on purpose. It was just a joke that went too far, a secret that got out of hand.
It’s Saturday and JL is struggling with his math homework for a change when he gets a text from Han. It’s so stupid, the way his heart lights up with the screen of his iphone.
Han: Are you free right now?
JL: yeah i’m not doing anything. what’s up?
Han: Can we meet at the park?
JL: sure! be there in ten
The park is a few blocks away, with woodchips and swings and a central playground structure. Painted on it is a scene from The Little Prince, a boy staring at the stars. JL always went there in elementary school to play with Juwon and Han.
It’s just Han today. He’s already there when JL arrives, sitting on one of the swings. JL takes a seat on the swing next to him. It’s a clear day, the crystal rays of sunlight pure and piercing, the leaves on the trees bursts of red and gold. The metal of the swingset is cold to the touch. JL winces as he sits down.
“Hey,” Han says.
“Hi,” JL says. He can hear his heart inside his chest. He doesn’t know why it’s beating so fast.
“Juwon told me that you asked him about the meme,” Han says.
“Yeah, I did,” JL says. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean for him to be upset, I swear.”
“No, don’t be sorry,” Han says. “It must have made you really curious, that no one was telling you.”
“I mean, yeah,” JL says. “But also, I wanted to know about it, because it was about you. I always want to know more about you.”
Wow. That was not subtle at all. JL needs to shut up, like, yesterday.
“Um,” Han says.
“Haha,” JL says, as he dies internally. “But you really don’t need to tell me. Really. I’ve made peace with it.”
“Really?”
“Yes,” JL says, nodding. “I mean, the joke is just to invent the crime that you did and make it as funny as possible, right? Like, if anybody asks me, I’ll tell them that you got into a fistfight, because this person would not stop calling you by your full name even though you told them to call you HAN or alternatively HANI. And then it escalated to the point that the cops got called, but you totally won, and—”
“Stop,” Han says. He’s smiling a little, though, which was the point. “That’s not it.”
“It’s not?”
“No, it’s not,” Han says. “Um… I mean, that was really funny. But it’s not the meme.”
“Yeah, sorry, I can’t really compete with Woongki’s version.”
“Wait, what? What did Woongki say?” Han says, and then he shakes his head as if to stop himself from getting distracted. “No! That’s not the point. The point is that I want to explain it to you because I think that someone will tell you eventually. And I want it to be me.”
“Okay,” JL says.
“I just… give me a minute,” Han says. He nervously flexes his hands around the metal chains of the swings.
“Take your time.”
JL won’t lie. He is so curious. He was willing to bury it into the deepest darkest corners of his mind forever if it meant not fighting anymore with Juwon, but if Han is offering to tell him then yeah, he wants to know. He doesn’t know why some part of him feels so… anxious. It’s just a meme. It’s probably really stupid. But he can’t stop the way his heart speeds up in anticipation.
Han looks like he’s about to have a nervous breakdown. He swallows. Takes a deep breath.
“What crime did I commit?” Han says. “I don’t know. But apparently I’m really into JAIL.”
The moment that Han breaks eye contact is the moment that JL breaks into laughter. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Han’s fingers violently shaking, so he reaches out to grab his hand, to steady him.
He feels like he’s been hit with a sack of bricks. He wants to stop laughing, to respond, but he can’t. It’s the most inconvenient, uncontrollable sort of laughter, the kind that makes his eyes water and his stomach ache, and JL can’t believe his luck because the boy of his dreams is confessing to him and he’s just absolutely losing it, doubled over and nearly falling off the swingset.
“Sorry,” JL gasps.
“Don’t be,” Han says, although he sounds terrified.
It’s at least a minute before JL somewhat recovers.
“Are you good?” Han asks.
“Yeah,” JL says, nodding, but then he starts laughing again. “Wait, wait, no. Give me a minute.”
“I don’t know what’s happening,” Han says, to nobody in particular.
All in all, it’s a good five minutes before JL sobers up, wiping the tears from his eyes and straightening up. He’s still holding Han’s hand, which is suddenly terrifying. They’ve held hands before, but never in a romantic way. Or maybe it was always terrifying and romantic and JL was always just doing his best not to think about it. But now he’s totally thinking about it.
It’s silent, save for the wind.
“Um,” JL says. “So.”
“Yes?”
“Is it true?” JL says. “That you’re… into me.”
Han isn’t looking at him, staring at the woodchips. “Of course it is,” he says quietly.
“I’m glad,” JL says. “Because I really like you, Hani.”
Han’s gaze snaps up to meet JL’s before he looks away again. “Seriously?”
“As much as Zhang Hao likes Hanbin.”
Even though Han’s looking away JL can see his smile. “... You must really like me, then.”
JL smiles. “Like doesn’t even cover it.”
“That…” Han says. “That was TERRIFYING. OH MY GOD. I FEEL LIKE I JUST LOST TEN YEARS OF MY LIFE.”
“If it makes you feel better, I think I lost at least five?” JL says.
“I HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU STARTED LAUGHING AT ME,” Han despairs, and JL bites down on his lip so that he won’t start laughing again. His stomach is too sore for that.
“That’s on you for confessing via meme.”
“Did I—” Han stops. “I did. I confessed via meme.”
“You did.”
“... This has been the craziest day ever.”
“Same.”
JL stares up at the sky, this brilliant shade of blue. His heart feels as light and free as a passing cloud.
“You’re my boyfriend now, right?” Han says.
“Yes,” JL says immediately. And then, “Wait.”
“What?”
JL fishes his phone out of his pocket. Takes a picture of their joined hands, before hastily drawing thick black lines over the image like prison bars. He shows Han the screen.
“Now we’re partners in crime,” JL says.
“That was terrible,” Han says, but he doesn’t look like he minds at all.
“Do you want to send it into the group chat?” JL asks.
Han considers this. “In a few days,” he says. “I feel like everybody’s going to be really loud about it and that can wait.”
“That makes sense,” JL says. In this moment, he doesn’t want anybody else to know, either. He’s still processing it. That he lives in a world where Han likes him back. JL’s kind of a trainwreck most days but life is so beautiful right now.
“It’s really cold,” Han says. “Do you want to walk around instead?”
“That sounds good,” JL says. He’s bundled up but some parts of him are going numb, the wind sharp as a knife. He stands up with Han.
“So, um, where to?” Han says, but when JL looks at him he can’t look away. He doesn’t know if it’s him falling into Han or if it’s Han falling into him, but when they meet in the middle JL closes his eyes and thinks that he will remember the way their first kiss tasted for the rest of his life.
---
Of course, they do tell people eventually. Woongki and Shuaibo tease him mercilessly, but jokes on them, because now that JL has permission to brag that he’s dating Han, they’re going to have to duct-tape his mouth closed to shut him up. He’s spent so long never acknowledging his feelings.
He’s in the library with Han, Han sitting to his right. JL slides a piece of paper over.
“Psst,” JL whispers. “This is the free body diagram of me falling for you.”
Han laughs so hard that they nearly get kicked out of the library; he has to shove his head into his backpack to calm down. JL rests his chin on his hand, pleased. Being Han’s boyfriend has had such a positive impact on his studying habits. These days, JL thinks he’s pretty damn good at physics.