Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Okay, so this is a story that is just for fun; it is not a representation of Helluva Boss or Animaniacs. Just a silly story written for grins and giggles, so don’t get pissy. Cool? Cool. Anyway, this is the story of my Alternate Universe between Helluva Boss and Animaniacs, wherein Blitzo marries Minerva Mink’s mother, Mercury. This makes Loona and Minerva, who hate each other, stepsisters. Will Loona and Minerva get along? Find out.

Helluva Boss belongs to Vizziepop

Animaniacs belongs to Warner Bros.

Mercury belongs to me.

Chapter One

A Demon meets a Mink

It was raining in this town somewhere on human soil. Blitzo typically didn’t pay attention to the human world’s geography. No, that wasn’t his job. His job? Kill. And this client had very specific requirements. He wanted Blitzo to kill the target and bring back her head as proof of the deed. Even the boss of IMP had to admit it was barbaric, but who was he to question it? Money is money. And he wasn’t about to let a little something like morality or decency get in the way of his paycheck. He was perched on an apartment patio across from another apartment, a few floors up from the target’s window. He held his trusty sniper rifle, but in case the target tried to run, Millie and Moxxie were stationed in the room across the hall from her.

Finally, the target came into view. She was tall, Blitzo guessed about five feet eleven inches. She wore a pink pajama shirt and grey shorts; her long, bushy tail drooped behind her. Her fur was white, her hair blond to match her tail, and her eyes were…she looked so…sad. Her hair was unkempt, and she was clearly eating from a tub of ice cream. She sat down on a couch, grabbed a TV Remote, and turned it on. She watched her show and ate from the carton.

“Sorry you’re not feeling so swell.” Blitzo muttered under his breath, “A bullet to the brain ought to cheer you up.” He squeezed his left eye shut, bringing the scope to his right. He held his breath to steady his aim and held the gun up. His finger rested on the trigger. But something inside Blitzo acted, preventing him from pulling the trigger.

“What’s wrong, Blitzo?” Millie’s voice came in his earpiece. “Haven’t you gotten lined up?”

“Yeah, Millie.” Blitzo said, “I just…um…a bird pooped on my scope. Yeah, that’s it.”

“Well, wipe it off and take the shot.” Millie urged him. “It smells like cat shit in here!” Blitzo took a few calming breaths and held the gun up again. The woman was about halfway done with her ice cream. He rested his finger on the trigger again…still, his finger refused to squeeze.

“What is wrong with you?” Blitzo asked himself. “This is just a routine-” Suddenly, the railing Blitzo was standing on started to buckle under him, and he was beginning to lose his balance. He wobbled before seeing a long banner above him. Losing his balance would mean falling to his doom, so with little option, he jumped up and out, almost dropping his sniper rifle but managing to keep it close. The banner’s strings snapped on his side, and soon, Blitzo was swinging Tarzan style over the street…and right toward the target’s window!

…

Mercury wasn’t feeling especially happy. Her failures were especially nagging today. Like a fly that just kept buzzing in here ear. Her usual method of eating ice cream and watching her shows wasn’t helping today, and worse, her neighbor was still playing his guitar and screaming some random nonsense song about some rude act he wanted to perform. It was so loud that even banging on the wall had no effect. Who knew how many noise complaints he’d gotten, but it meant nothing to him. Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of shattering glass. The noise was so sudden, Mercury dropped her ice cream, just in time to see a little red…thing tumble into her room, dropping a gun. The gun bounced off the floor with such force, it went off, pointing toward the wall where the noisy neighbor still strummed his guitar! There was a scream, a thud, then…nothing.

The little man, meanwhile, tumbled across the coffee table before coming to rest with his head in Mercury's lap.

“Um…” The little man said, turning his head to look at Mercury.

“Um…” Mercury echoed. The two awkwardly stared at each other, neither knowing how to react or what to say.

…

Something was off; both Millie and Moxxie knew it.

“Aren’t we supposed to get confirmation from Blitzo that he took the shot?” Millie asked.

“And didn’t the shot sound like it came from…inside?” Moxxie retorted. Something was wrong. Very wrong. The two abandoned their post and ran toward the target’s room. Working together (though it was Millie that did most of the work), the two were able to break down the door…neither of them had been ready for what they saw. Their boss, the one meant to take the killing shot, was in the room with the target. His gun lay on the ground, with smoke from the barrel, as the demon and…whatever she was, were talking and giggling to each other. Millie and Moxxie looked at each other, confused. Before pulling their own guns. Blitzo, seeing them, dove off the couch.

“No! Don’t!” He shouted.

“Um…but we’re supposed to-” Millie started.

“I know, but I can’t. And…I can’t let you two either.” Blitzo cut her off.

“But the mon-” Moxxie started to say.

“Forget the money.” Snapped Blitzo; “We’ll get another job later.” Millie and Moxxie looked at each other, shrugged, and left.

“Um..:” Moxxie directed to the former target. “Sorry about your door.”

“It’s okay.” The woman said, a trace of some sort of accent in her voice. “I hated that door anyway.” The other two left, but Blitzo turned around.

“Um…wanna get some…c-coffee later?” He managed to ask.

“Sounds lovely.” Said the woman. “Oh, and my name is Mercury.” She held her hand to shake.

“Blitzo,” Said Blitzo, “The O is silent.” He took her hand in his own. So soft, so gentle. He felt something stir in his chest.

…

Coffee was just the first thing they did. Blitzo and Mercury just clicked in a way neither could articulate, but dates kept happening. Movies, plays, dinners, walks in the park, the works. They felt so happy in each other’s company that all their problems seemed to melt. After almost a year, Blitzo couldn’t take his mind off this woman he once tried to kill. He took on several jobs, more than a healthy amount, to buy something for her. Then, one day, at a picnic in the park, Blitzo took the ring from his pocket.

“Mercury Mink, will you marry me?” He asked her. Mercury gasped, tears forming in her eyes.

“Of course I will!” And she tackled him to the ground, as they shared a sweet, newly engaged, kiss. Of course, this didn’t stay private for long. Loona almost choked on her cigarette when she heard that her dad was getting married. And almost choked on it again when she found it was someone other than Stolas. She had to throw the cigarette out when she found out it was someone from Earth. Meanwhile, Minerva Mink’s cell phone rang. She pulled it out. There was no name attached to the number, but it wasn’t registering as spam. Aw, what the heck. She pressed the green Accept call button and held it to her ear.

“Hello?” She asked.

“Darling!” Came a voice she hadn’t heard in years, “It’s been too long! How have you been, my baby girl.” It was her own mother. Someone she wasn’t exactly on good terms with. But Minerva was in a reasonably good mood, so she decided to entertain her mother…for now.

“Hi Mom…” She said, “Been a while.”

“Too long, sweetie.” Mercury responded. “I was calling to let you know; I’m getting married!” Minerva almost choked on her drink.

“M-married?” Minerva echoed. “That’s…that’s great mom!”

“And I want you to be at the wedding!” Minerva had to think about that. She wasn’t exactly on good terms with her mom as stated, but maybe she could find a cute guy.

“O-okay cool! Let’s get dolled up, then!”

“Sounds like a plan,” Said Mercury, “And even better! You’re getting a sister too!”

“Oh wow, that’s…cool!” Minerva had no idea how to take all of this new information. When Minerva met with her mom, who was looking healthy and well, they were also in the company of a little red man with horns and a tail.

“Um…who is this?” Asked Minerva.

“I’m your new dad!” The little man announced gleefully. It was all Minerva could do not to gag on that information. The little red man pulled a book out, and before long, a portal opened in the wall. Mercury stepped in without a moment’s hesitation as the demon gestured them in. It took some time for Minerva to do it. They reappeared in a not unpleasant looking venue. Banners, flowers, nicely decorated tables, the works. But what really caught Minerva off guard was the company. Demons. All around them. Some tall, some short, some skinny, some fat…and then, her eyes fell upon…her. Their eyes locked from across the room. Minerva felt herself bristle as she saw her. The grey and white fur, the red sclera and white pupils. The spiked accessories. Her arch nemesis? Here? Well, hell was where this bitch belonged. Suddenly, she felt a hand pull her…toward the hellhound.

“Loonie!” Minerva’s stepdad declared, “Meet your new stepsister!”

“Stepsister?!” Both roared in angry unison. “Her?!”

“Oh, you two already met!” Said Blitzo, clearly unable to see the fury between the two girls. “Isn’t that swell!”

Gonna cut it here for now. Feedback is appreciated, assholery is not.

Chapter Text

Chapter Two

The day before

Well, to say the rehearsal had gone poorly was a massive understatement. Minerva and Loona got into a massive knock-down, drag-out fight, and it took multiple people to break it up. The grizzly affair battered both girls, and both parents got an earful from their respective daughters about the situation. Still, despite what both girls hoped, it failed to break the bond between Mercury and Blitzo. The wedding was still going full steam ahead, and both parents made it clear that the fighting wasn’t going to continue. Neither daughter agreed. Minerva and Mercury sat side by side at a salon, getting dolled up for the big day tomorrow.

"Minerva?” Mercury asked. “Do you want to…talk about yesterday?”

“What is there to talk about?” Minerva asked. “I hate that bitch. She’s so up her own ass about-”

“Language, my dear, we’re in public.” Mercury cut her off. Minerva sighed, deciding to shift gears.

“Why…why him, mom?” Minerva looked at her mother for the first time since getting in the car.

“He’s so charming,” said Mercury, her tone shifting when talking about her soon to be husband. “He keeps me on my toes and fills my empty cup. My life was so boring and sad without him.”

“Yeah, being a big boss will do that, I guess.” Minerva mused. “But…why are you…you know, why are we here?”

“We have to look our best for tomorrow,” Mercury said, but Minerva shook her head.

“That’s not what I meant, Mom. Why are you…” Minerva struggled to find the words. “Why am I here?” Mercury’s face shifted.

“Because…I want to fix things with you.” She finally said after a moment of silence.

“Fix things? By making me a sister to my arch nemesis?”

“Darling,” said Mercury, “I failed you. I failed as a mother, I failed as a wife. Your father's leaving hurt me more than you’ll ever know, and I’m sorry I did such a poor job showing it, or how much I love you.”

“When dad left, you married your work instead,” Minerva said. “Frankly, I don’t blame him for leaving.” Mercury looked visibly hurt by the remark.

"Your father's leaving had an impact on you, sweetie.” Mercury continued, “and I didn’t exactly help with that.”

“No you…kinda just-” Minerva started,

“I know. And it’s been weighing on me ever since.”

“So…why did it take you getting married to finally talk to me? I thought you’d forgotten or given up.” It wasn’t that Mercury hadn’t wanted to or tried. Many times she’d dialed her daughter’s number, but choked when she tried to actually make the call go active. What would she say? Would her daughter just hang up and block the number? Mercury had spent many nights crying herself to sleep over what she’d done, how she’d failed.

“Your stepfather gives me strength, sweetie.” Mercury finally answered. “And I know you and Loona aren’t close, but give it time.” Minerva bristled just hearing that girl’s name.

“You really think that you can just-”

“Minerva Mink,” Mercury said. And there it was, the touch of sternness in her voice. Minerva’s mouth shut, not having good memories of hearing this tone. “You will come to love your stepfather, you will come to love your stepsister, and we will be a happy family. And that’s final.” It was a long time before either spoke again.

“...fine.” Minerva spat. “I…guess I’ll try not to completely hate that bi…Loona.”

…

Loona let out an angry yell as she threw the empty bottle against the wall.

“Sisters! I’m gonna be sisters with that uppity slut?!” She roared, not for the first time. She reached into the cooler for another beer, only to find it empty. Her anger worsened, she punted the cooler with all her might. Right as she did, the door opened. Millie stuck her head in,

“Hey, Loon-Ahh!” Millie pulled her head back, the cooler narrowly missing her face as it slammed into the wall and broke apart like a cheap toy.

“What?!” Loona shouted.

“Ya wanna…have a walk and talk? Ya know, some girl time?” Loona didn’t answer right away.

“Fine, but we’re walking to the liquor store and you’re buying.” She finally said.

“Deal.” Said Millie, and soon Loona followed the short imp out and into the streets of Pride. “Listen, Loona.” She said, careful how she phrased her words, “I know ya aren’t thrilled about…her-”

“What was your first clue, Sherlock?” Snapped Loona. Millie paused before continuing.

“But have ya seen Blitzo when he talks about Mercury, or when he’s with her? I ain’t ever seen him happier, even with Stolas!”

“Yeah, that’s great and all-” Loona started.

“And it would mean the world to him if ya could just…you know, give Minerva a chance.”

“A chance?! You think I should-”

“Yes, Loona, I do.” Millie said. “Look, if you won’t do it for her, do it for Blitzo, okay? It would mean so much to him.” Millie continued her speech, and it disgusted Loona to the point that by the time they reached the liquor store, she no longer wanted the beer. Still, Millie couldn’t help but think that maybe she’d gotten through to Loona. Maybe.

...Two Months Earlier…

It was a simple job: Kill this guy, take his watch, and bring it to the client back in hell. The only real complication was the client put on a time limit. Loona had been given a rough schedule that this man followed, and could easily track him on his jogging route. Wait until he slipped into the same gas station bathroom he always did, kill him, take his watch, escape out the window, and leave the police to wonder where the hell the killer went. What she hadn’t been anticipating was some random slut walking out right as the guy was jogging, causing them to collide, sending both crashing to the ground. The guy got up first, and helped the mink with white fur and blonde hair with a bushy tail to match back to her feet.

“Sorry about that.” Said the target, “You’re so sexy it caught me off guard.” Loona was waiting for the girl to be disgusted. But no, she started giggling at the comment.

“Well, you certainly swept me off my feet.” She joked, “Most guys don’t get that far so quickly.” Loona rolled her eyes, hoping this would be a quick conversation. Much to her annoyance and dismay, it kept going. And then, the man said the words that sealed his fate.

“Yeah, I keep getting older, but these school girls stay young.” It was all Loona could do not to vomit after hearing that. At this point, fuck stealth. This guy needed to be dealt with now. It would be doing the world a favor to just end this creep now. So Loona burst out of her hiding place, quickly but quietly sprinted up behind the man, grabbed him by his chin and head, and gave a nice twist. The sound of his neck snapping gave Loona a hint of pleasure, knowing she’d sent a deserving creep to hell. She even slipped his watch off his wrist as he fell and stashed it. The mink, meanwhile, looked horrified.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” She said, and just as quickly lined up a kick right toward Loona’s stomach. The kick was so powerful and unexpected, Loona felt her human disguise slip. The hellhound stumbled backward and fell, not prepared for a kick that hard.

“The fuck’s your problem?” Loona snapped, not caring about the passersby running and shouting for the cops. “I did you a favor, bitch. Were you even listening to what he was saying?”

“Didn’t mean you had to fucking kill him!” Said the Mink, “he was just being flirty anyway.”

“Flirt- Ugh, I don’t have time for this.” Loona turned onto her knees, looking to get up and flee, but the damn mink performed an elbow drop onto the small of her back. Once again, Loona was caught off guard by the strength his bitch somehow possessed. But now, Loona was angry. Time limit be damned, a little bitch needed to be put in her place. Despite the wind knocked out of her lungs, she lined up a kick to the Mink’s diaphragm. It wasn’t as strong as she’d had hoped, but it was enough. She coughed and sputtered, pulling back. Loona pulled herself forward and kicked again, this time to the Mink’s face.

“Bitch!” Shouted the Mink, “My makeup costs more than you make in a year!” Loona scrambled to her feet, grabbed the mink by her hair, and pulled her up, forcing the slut to look her in the eyes as she was hauled to her feet.

“You’re a little fish fighting a big fish’s battle. You have no idea-” Loona wasn’t prepared for the Mink to bite her in the nose. She followed up by grabbing the hellhound’s ears and twisting hard. Loona let out an involuntary yelp of pain. She quickly shot her knee up, striking her opponent in the stomach. She followed up with a spartan kick straight to the solar plexus. The mink fell onto her back, gasping for air. Loona jumped onto her, straddling the bitch as she poised her hand, ready to send this girl to hell along with the creep, when a gunshot rang out, the bullet whizzing past Loona’s sore ear.

“Get offa her!” A man called, waving a hunting rifle. “My aim may not be so good next time.” No sooner had he finished his threat that sirens could be heard.

“You got lucky, slut.” Snarled Loona. She got up and ran. She heard the man talking.

“You okay, Minerva?” That was all she heard before the conversation faded behind her.

…

Unfortunately for Loona, that fight with the Mink had cost her dearly. She was late, which meant a docked paycheck. A rather big deduction, in fact. Her day got even worse when Blitzo, with no Moxxie to blame, chewed his adoptive daughter out for the tardiness and reduced pay. Loona was in a horrible mood when he finally said his piece and dismissed her. All she could think of was that stupid little Mink. The rest of that day was a haze as soon as Loona sat down on a barstool. But that uppity slut was now at the very top of Loona’s shit list. If they ever met again, the hellhound swore she would drop whatever she was doing and finish the job.  And now? The damn mink was her damn sister. Loona barely managed to stop herself from gagging at the thought as she crawled into bed. Tomorrow was it. The fucking wedding.