Chapter Text
On Trust and Teamwork
Chapter 1
“Peg.”
“Hmm?” Peggy didn’t turn from her position at her vanity where she was unclasping her watch from her wrist and then slipping out her small earrings and putting them away in her jewelry box.
It was a sight he had seen countless times in the last decade and more but somehow, that evening, the sight seemed to strike Steve in the chest with a force that almost stole his breath. Not with desire or even admiration at the innate grace of her movements, at least not then, but a thought that stayed in his mind as if it were some new profound insight.
She was his wife, the mother of his children.
It was an inane, absurd thought, of course. They had been married for almost 15 years after all. He had now spent more years with her than he ever had without her, as amazing as that thought still was sometimes. He had spent so many years missing her, mourning the loss of her, so many years convinced he would never see her again. And then he’d found his second chance, found his current happiness.
He was settled into his life now, could go for days, even weeks, without thinking about his past years as Captain America. He spent his days taking care of their children, overseeing their homework and mediating their little squabbles, working on the commissions for his artwork, and generally taking care of the house, and always, there was Peggy, Peggy to fall asleep beside every night and who was the first person he saw when he woke up every morning.
Not that their lives were perfect. There were times when the stress of parenting combined with the pressures of Peggy’s always-intense work at SHIELD and even his own occasional frustration when his artwork wasn’t proceeding as he wished wore on them. He and Peggy could both be stubborn and had tempers so they had the occasional argument, a fact that had shocked and dismayed him more than he cared to admit the first time it had happened because he’d been forced to admit that he had spent so many years missing Peggy and mourning her that he had fallen into the trap of believing that once he was with Peggy, everything would be perfect. It had somehow never occurred to him that the reality of being married to Peggy could not possibly be as perfectly happy as his imaginings.
But they always made it past their arguments and even the bad days with Peggy were far better than the best days of being without Peggy. And for him, more than most people, he knew exactly how true that was. He had lived without Peggy for more than 10 years after all and while the loss of Peggy was only one item on the list of terrible things that had happened to him in his time in the future, the loss of Peggy had also been the worst, the hardest, thing about his years in the future. No, their lives weren’t perfect but it was real and that was better than being perfect. And he was happy, happier than he had ever been, so he didn’t need or want to dwell on his past.
But sometimes, like now, the thought that she was his wife still took his breath away, the fact that they were so at ease together in their bedroom, at ease with undressing and preparing for bed together. So familiar with each other that they didn’t even need to look at each other while conversing.
Although he had to admit that tonight’s bout of amazement that this was his life now might not be that surprising considering the reason behind the conversation he wanted to have with Peggy. He didn’t think she would be upset but it was rather awkward. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt quite this awkward about broaching a subject with Peggy.
“Jamie’s parent-teacher conferences will be next Thursday.”
“I expected they would happen soon since Sarah’s were last week. That’s fine. I’ll make sure I get home in plenty of time for you to be able to go.”
“Actually, I wanted to ask if you’d come with me.”
Now, she turned to glance at him. “But who will watch the children?”
“I’m sure the Jarvises will be happy to look after them for the evening. You know they miss spending time with the kids now that they’re both getting busier with school work and friends.”
“Well, yes,” she acknowledged, “but it seems unnecessary. You were fine going to Sarah’s parent-teacher conference alone. Why not Jamie’s?” She paused and looked at him. “Is there something going on with Jamie that you haven’t mentioned so you’re expecting some issue to come up at this conference?”
“No, no,” he hurriedly assured. “Of course not. I just thought you might want to come. You haven’t met Jamie’s teacher this year yet.”
Peggy turned and faced him fully, her eyes narrowing a little. “What is it, Steve? There’s something you’re not telling me.”
He hid a rather rueful smile. He should have known trying to evade or even postpone this discussion was futile. Peggy could always tell and he wasn’t very good at prevaricating anyway. He was simply out of practice at concealing anything from Peggy and he had never been any good at it. And after all, he and Peggy were a team and would deal with this as they did everything else, together. “I don’t want to meet with Miss Pernell alone.”
“Why not?”
He grimaced, letting out a breath. “I think Miss Pernell has developed a crush on me,” he admitted and then hurried to add, “I swear I haven’t done or said anything to encourage her but–”
He broke off as Peggy snickered and then laughed outright.
He felt himself relax, rolling his eyes even as a faint smile curved his lips at the sound of her laugh. Well, clearly, whatever mild nervousness he’d felt at the thought of telling Peggy this had been for nothing, which was nice, but still. “I suppose I should be glad you’re not at all concerned about this.”
Peggy valiantly swallowed the rest of her laughter although her eyes still danced. “I’m sorry to laugh, but really, darling, you looked so uneasy about telling me. Surely you know I trust you. If only because you’re a terrible liar,” she added teasingly.
“Thank you,” he said dryly. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”
She only smiled at him. “Well, now that you know you don’t have to worry about my reaction, why don’t you tell me what’s going on with Miss Pernell?”
He huffed a little as he sat down in the armchair in the corner of their room. “I think you’re enjoying my discomfort,” he pretended to grumble but went on. “I admit I’ve probably been slow on the uptake about this but for a couple weeks now, Miss Pernell has made a point of coming out every afternoon to talk to me when I go to pick Jamie up. She’s always had some reason for it, of course, a reminder about his homework assignment for the day or some upcoming activity, that sort of thing, and I didn’t think anything of it until yesterday. She hurried out to catch up with us just as I was about to leave with Jamie to remind me about the parent-teacher conference and said she was looking forward to seeing me then. And there was just something about the way she said it that made me uncomfortable and when I thought about it later, I realized that all the excuses she’d made to talk to me were just that and she hadn’t done the same for any of the other parents.” And he had belatedly remembered too that he’d absently noticed a few of the other mothers who’d been present at the time observing them rather narrowly and then when he’d turned away to leave, their heads had come together to start whispering. So he’d realized that he might be the last person to have actually noticed Miss Pernell’s overly attentive behavior and what it could mean.
Peggy gave a soft laugh as she came over to perch on his lap and he returned her smile almost in spite of himself, curling one arm around her. “At least someone finds it amusing,” he observed wryly.
He could not laugh about it, at least not yet. He was still rather mortified at the realization and dismayed too. It was just so… oh, he couldn’t think of a word. Maybe he was being a prude–it occurred to him that both Howard, and Tony too, had teased him at different times, more than 60 years apart, for being just that (like father, like son)–or just naive but he had not expected this sort of thing to occur. Oh, he knew that plenty of men (and some women too) had affairs. But that was a theoretical knowledge and he’d never even imagined that anything approaching the possibility of such a thing would ever affect him personally. He was happily married to the love of his life but even if that wasn’t the case, he was simply not the type of man who would be unfaithful. He didn’t claim to be a saint but he did try to always do the right thing, tried not to lie (made easier because he knew he wasn’t good at lying anyway), kept his promises, and the idea of breaking his marriage vows was as unthinkable to him as, oh, swearing his allegiance to Hitler. Just as he knew to his soul that Peggy was too honest and too loyal a person, to say nothing of too loving a person, to ever consider an affair herself. But most simply, it was because he knew that Miss Pernell and everyone else knew that he was married. He always wore his wedding ring, privately delighted in wearing the visible symbol of his life with Peggy, and he had, perhaps naively, assumed that would be enough to warn any women off. Apparently not.
He had been mentally reviewing his limited interactions with Miss Pernell over the course of the school year but he could absolve himself of having done anything to even inadvertently encourage her to develop a crush on him. He had introduced himself to Miss Pernell at the beginning of the school year because he made a point of introducing himself to all of his children’s teachers, just to be familiar with them and make sure they were familiar with him and partly to let them know that he was the one who was his children’s primary care-taker, which was unheard of these days, at least where the father was not a widower, and therefore usually required an explanation of sorts. And beyond that, at least until she had started seeking him out, he could count on his two hands and have fingers left over for the number of brief interactions he’d had with her in the couple months since the school year had started, and every word they’d ever exchanged had been about Jamie. He didn’t even know what Miss Pernell’s first name was; if he’d ever heard it, he’d forgotten it. He had simply treated her with the same politeness with which he treated everyone so really, he had no idea how Miss Pernell could have developed such an inappropriate crush but there it was.
He had already decided that for the foreseeable future when picking up Jamie, he would make a point of going over to greet and talk to one or the other among the mothers of Jamie’s friends to ensure that he had no more one-on-one interactions with Miss Pernell but the parent-teacher conference obviously would not allow for that. It wasn’t even that he expected Miss Pernell would be so brazen as to actually do anything–he didn’t imagine she would do anything similar to what Private Lorraine had done, for example, and certainly not in the classroom on a night where the school would be full of other people, not least because any hint of impropriety in Miss Pernell’s behavior would cost her her job–but he still did not feel comfortable with the idea of being alone with her. And aside from all else, he wanted to do something to nip whatever inappropriate crush Miss Pernell had developed on him in the bud before it could develop any further because for Jamie’s sake, he could hardly hope to avoid her entirely for the rest of the school year.
Peggy touched her fingers to his cheek. “I imagine you’re rather horrified but I trust you.”
Something in his chest seemed to soften. “I know you do but I just never imagined something like this happening. I’m married.”
“Being married has historically not been an impediment against a person developing feelings,” Peggy observed dryly before adding more soberly, “And what Miss Pernell feels isn’t your fault. I know you haven’t done anything.”
He gave her a soft smile. “Thank you.” Her trust in him was the most precious thing in the world.
Her expression softened into one of her tender expressions, one that never failed to make his whole chest feel warm, an expression he only ever saw directed at him or to their children. “My darling. ‘Who is so safe as we? Where none can do Treason to us, except one of us two?’”
Not for the first time, Steve thought that Peggy might be too smart for him. “Who said that?” It was a beautiful sentiment and one that rang very true.
“John Donne, in one of his love poems.”
“I’ll have to make a note of that.”
She gave him a skeptical look and he had to smile because she knew him so well, knew that he didn’t know anything about poetry and cared about as much. His Peggy was so pragmatic and level-headed that he had expected that she would have as little appreciation for poetry as he did but he had learned rather to his surprise that Peggy occasionally liked to read poetry. She said that she found it calming and in a way, comforting too because it reminded her of her old school days, which was when she had been introduced to the canon of great poetry. She had even read poetry aloud to him on a few occasions and he’d found that at least when being recited by Peggy, he could appreciate poetry, although he knew that at least half of his appreciation had nothing to do with the poems themselves and was only because he liked listening to Peggy’s voice, softened from their usual crisp tones, her elegant accents. He had always loved her voice, sometimes thought that she could read aloud from the dictionary or even the phone book for hours and he would happily listen.
She returned his smile and leaned in to drop a quick kiss on first his nose and then his mouth, lingering just a little longer, before she drew back but only far enough to rest her forehead against his.
After a moment, she murmured, “Poor Miss Pernell.”
He drew back just a little to stare at her. “Really?”
“Why not? She doesn’t pose any sort of threat to me. And I, of all people, can certainly understand how Miss Pernell or anyone else would develop feelings for you. Men who look like you do are not that common.”
He made a face. “It’s not at all the same thing,” he objected, irrationally offended on Peggy’s behalf at her seeming to equate her feelings for him with whatever Miss Pernell felt. “Whatever Miss Pernell feels or thinks she feels has nothing to do with me , not really. For heaven’s sake, she doesn’t really know me at all, not even my name.”
Peggy made as if to stand, a smirk curving her lips. “Oh, well, if that’s the only objection, I could just tell her your real name and I imagine that will make her like you even more.”
He promptly encircled her with his arms, trapping her in place. “Don’t you dare,” he pretended to growl. “That wasn’t what I meant.”
Peggy’s smile softened as she ran her fingers through his hair. “You know, you might be the only man I’ve ever met who doesn’t appreciate compliments about his appearance.”
“ You know why that is. The way I look now isn’t really me. It’s something Dr. Erskine gave me with his serum. I might not feel like I’m just wearing some sort of costume anymore but I can’t forget that so when anyone mentions the way I look, it doesn’t feel like a compliment to me but more like a compliment meant for someone else.”
It had taken months before he had stopped feeling surprise and a little unreality when he saw himself in a mirror after Project Rebirth and even now, at odd moments here and there, usually when he was particularly tired, when he caught an unexpected glimpse of himself in some reflective surface, he still occasionally felt a little surprise because some small corner of his mind thought of himself as the scrawny kid from Brooklyn to this day. And he had never really gotten used to the way people looked at him when he was Captain America, that touch of awe in their expressions as if they were looking at, not a man or even a hero, but a god. It was another thing that had been so surreal and disorienting about the time he had come face to face with his own former self when he’d been trying to retrieve Loki’s scepter before the final battle against Thanos, to actually see with his own eyes what other people saw when they looked at him, not just his height but everything about the figure he cut in that tight costume, the muscled arms, the broad shoulders tapering down to the narrow waist.
One of the many things he did not miss about being known as Captain America was that no one looked at him with that kind of awe anymore. Helped, of course, by the fact that he tried to dress in as nondescript a fashion as possible, doing what he could to disguise the actual breadth of his shoulders and his build. He liked the fact that people treated him like a normal person now and it really wasn’t often when anyone even commented on his appearance at all.
Peggy was the only person who had always seen past his appearance and treated him as just a man, whether it was when he was still his old scrawny self or after he had become Captain America.
Peggy lightly traced her fingers over his features, his nose, his cheek, his chin, in one of her habitual caresses. “Oh, I don’t know if I’d say that exactly.”
He frowned slightly. “You wouldn’t? But you of all people know exactly how much my appearance changed because of the serum.”
“I do and if we’re only talking about compliments to your height or your broad shoulders, then yes, the compliment isn’t really about you. But your face didn’t change that much, you know. I can still see you , the you I first met.”
“Can you? You might be the only one who can.” Even he’d had a hard time recognizing himself in a mirror in the first months after Project Rebirth and after so many years, it was even harder. He remembered what he’d looked like, remembered how it had felt to be short and skinny and weak, of course, but being able to see and recognize his old self in his current one had become harder.
“Yes, I can,” she confirmed quietly.
“Is that why you kept the picture of my old self all those years, rather than some other picture of me?” he asked, warmth sprouting inside his chest as usual when he thought about the way Peggy treasured the picture of his old self. He’d been photographed many times as Captain America during the war and most of those photographs were, he knew, in the SSR’s old files about him so Peggy had access to them and could have kept any of those pictures of him after Project Rebirth. But she hadn’t, had chosen to keep only the picture of his old self, first on her nightstand where he’d seen it when he’d first returned to her and now on her desk in her office. He glanced over at her nightstand that now held a picture of their family, himself and Peggy and the children, while he knew that the picture of his old self on her desk was the only picture of him she would ever display in a public place, for obvious reasons. And he knew how much she treasured that picture of his old self
Her expression softened, became tinged with melancholy in that way it always did, even now, when she remembered the years she had mourned for him. “I suppose. I liked that old picture of you the best. I sometimes thought–never mind. It was silly–”
“You’re never silly,” he interrupted her, tightening his arms around her. “What did you think?”
For a moment, she glanced away from him, some faint color creeping into her cheeks. He knew Peggy well enough by now to know that she was about to make some sentimental admission. He of all people knew just how deeply she loved but she always seemed faintly abashed to admit aloud to any sentimentality. “I used to think that your old self was, well, mine . In those first months after you… were gone, everyone was mourning Captain America and I remember thinking that I was probably the only person who was grieving for you , just Steve, not Captain America.”
His throat felt a little tight. It was true. Peggy was, aside from Dr. Erskine and Bucky, the only person who had valued him, cared about him, even before the serum. He had only started mattering to other people, the rest of the world, after he had become Captain America, been given this improved body meant to be at the service of the world.
“Dearest,” was all he managed to say, his voice husky, and then he kissed her because that was all he could do to even begin to express what he felt. He would never be what anyone would consider a smooth talker and when it came to his feelings for Peggy, he felt too much, too deeply, for eloquence anyway. So he could only kiss her and call her by the endearment he reserved for tender moments.
After he drew back, Peggy blinked and he recognized the way she pushed past her emotion, became once more her usual, brisk self as if to deny her admission of vulnerability. “Anyway, even now, I like the reminder of when I first met you because all the things I first liked about you are still true. You’re still you .”
His lips quirked and he couldn’t help a soft laugh in spite of the emotion he still felt at the seeming absurdity of the statement.
Her eyes narrowed. “Don’t mock me.”
He promptly straightened his lips. “I wasn’t, I promise. I was only thinking, remembering something that Bucky once told me.”
She blinked a little. “About me?”
“No, well, yes,” he corrected. “It was about you. He just didn’t know that at the time and neither did I.”
“Are you deliberately trying to sound mysterious?”
“I’ll explain,” he hurried on. “It happened years ago, a few months before we met. Bucky had arranged a double date for himself and me, back when he was still trying to find dates for me.” His lips twisted slightly, feeling a quick pang at the memory, not of the dates, but of Bucky’s loyalty. “Bucky was always popular with girls. Well, you remember what he looked like, tall, good-looking, and always up for a laugh. And in his role as my best friend, he was constantly arranging double dates to find me a girl but all those double dates were disasters.”
“Girls not lining up to dance with a guy they might step on?” she asked softly.
His lips lifted at this echo of the well-remembered words he’d once said to her. “Exactly. Anyway, at this one double date, that turned out to be one of the last Bucky ever tried to arrange for us, my supposed date spent the evening ignoring me, as usual, and about halfway through, I excused myself saying I needed to use the restroom and then just left and went home.”
“Oh, Steve…”
“It’s fine,” he hurriedly assured her. “I left mostly because I was just so bored, not because she was ignoring me. The girl hadn’t said a single interesting thing over the course of an hour while she was constantly talking to Bucky. Anyway, I went home and after a while, Bucky came and found me and I told him he should just give up on finding a date for me because there was no point since I might as well have been invisible to girls.”
“What did Bucky say to that?”
“Oh, he pretty much ignored the part about me being invisible to girls and said, ‘that just means she wasn’t good enough for you. The right girl will see past all that.’ I laughed in his face, told him he was being stupid, but he was right after all.” He smiled at her. “I met the right girl and she did see past all that.”
Her lips quirked. “You’re not so bad. I think I’ll keep you.”
He laughed and kissed her. His Peggy. She was, still, adorable when she teased him.
“Anyway, that’s why I don’t want to go to the parent-teacher conferences and have to meet with Miss Pernell alone.”
Peggy shook her head at him in mock disappointment. “I wonder what people would say if they ever found out that Captain America, who defeated more than one alien invasion, was scared to meet with one lone woman.”
“I think I’d rather face an alien invasion than one lone woman,” he told her wryly. “I know how to fight an alien invasion but I can’t do anything against a lone woman.” His strength was useless since he could never use violence against a woman and it wasn’t in him to be rude or mean to a woman either. He supposed it was absurd but even after the incident with Private Lorraine during the war, he’d never really learned how to reject a woman with any sort of finesse and in all honesty, had spent his years in the future essentially doing his level best to avoid ever getting into such a situation. For all Nat’s teasing about how he should ask out this girl or that, he hadn’t followed her suggestions and it had been easy enough not to do so because he hadn’t been interested and had, after all, been so busy with other things. And focusing on all the missions, the battles, had made it easier for him not to dwell on the painful truth that he was still in love with Peggy.
“That’s what you have me for. I’ll go with you to the parent-teacher conference and I’ll protect you from any women,” she quipped.
“I’ll call the Jarvises tomorrow and ask them if they can watch the kids that evening. And I need you for everything, you know.”
“Well, I do like being useful.”
“You are very useful,” he assured her with mock gravity.
She laughed softly and leaned in to kiss him and he tightened his arms around her and devoted himself to showing her all over again that she was the only woman in the world for him.
~To be continued...~