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Sometimes you get furious enough that the spike of panic driving it makes you want to get violent fast. Sometimes you do wind up breaking something, items and relationships alike.
This is not one of those times. You did not let this become one of those times.
You’re not sure how much time has passed. The only reason you’re sure it has is because the water that is enveloping you has faded from scalding to warm to lukewarm.
You never really used the tub in Lou’s place. Her things always crowded out yours in there. Tins and bottles and towels and none of it yours. It was never yours. The only thing in that house that was yours was your daughters.
Living on your own after Korea, before Hawkeye, was a blur. You went on routine until you fell apart and didn’t pick up the pieces til a week had passed. You either showered every day like clockwork or your skin was as dry as you were trying to keep your veins.
You could frame your life in befores and afters you’ve had with Hawk. Before meeting, after meeting; before sharing a space with separate broads; before sharing a broad; before sharing your bodies with each other; before love. That’s one that’s harder to pin down. There was always space carved out in your chest for him.
With BJ, the befores and afters weren’t as life changing on paper. You sped through most of those thanks to Hawk’s influence, but they still changed you.
It wasn’t until you hit the after Korea, after Hawk and you moved in together times, that you even considered taking a bath. Now that it’s you and Hawk and BJ, you feel just fine in the water.
After all that love, all that work, all that care… well. Now you take baths.
Sitting in the water and staring into the distance beats sitting on your bed doing the same damn thing. The water slowly seeps into your heart and cools you down.
You’re not sure what got you earlier. BJ’s lips were on yours and his hands were roaming, feeling the silk you were wearing, when suddenly an old familiar feeling, demanding and barbed and suffocating, rose from your gut and clawed its way into your throat. You haven’t felt that level of panic in god knows how long.
You blink. The water holds you.
It feels grim to be relaxing this way. Henry will come to mind on occasion. If you ever drown you’ll have conditioned yourself for so many years that maybe the experience will be relaxing.
A knock on the door.
BJ’s voice is muffled by your robe hanging from the hook.
“Whenever you’re good Trap I… I’ll be here if you want me to be.”
Worry tinges his voice. He expects no reply from you. Still. He worries.
It’s been long enough. Your breathing is normal, your chest still aches with feeling but it’s ebbed into something softer now, sharp edges eroded like a pebble on a beach.
You pull the plug on the drain and let the waves take the old, dredged up feelings down the drain.
You can’t hear him now, but you know BJ is waiting out there. He loves you. Hawk loves you. Your husbands love you.
You are cared for.
You are loved.
You are worth waiting for.