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Drinking just as a concept overall is bad. It was damaging to your health, it caused changes in your behavior, and just generally it tasted terrible. These were all things Akito knew, he knew it all to well, he had grew up with a father would would spend most of his time in the bars. So why, why had he fallen down into the same trap his father had? Why had he started coming to this bar every single night, looking for trouble. Why? Because despite all of the problems alcohol had tied to it, it helped him forget. Whether it be a good or bad thing, it helped Akito forget things. There were things in his life that he so desperately wanted to forget. Alcohol helped with that, even if it was only a temporary solution, it didn't change the fact that it helped tremendously.
The human mind was a strange thing, memories that Akito wanted to keep forever would disappear the moment they were made, and yet memories Akito actually wished would leave, would remain with him forever. Tonight, was a night like any other. He had come to the bar with the hope of forgetting, and had taken his usual seat at the bar.
"Just my usual." he mumbled, eyes glued to his phone as he absentmindedly scrolled through Instagram. He came here around 4 or 5 times a week, and the bartender was always the same. A young girl who went by the name An Shiraishi, her father owned the bar so she would often work here part time for extra work. He hadn't noticed that the person behind the bar wasn't An, nor was it her father, Ken. It was someone he knew all to well and never thought he'd see again.
"…usual?" the voice asked.
Upon hearing the eerily familiar, yet unfamiliar voice he finally looked up from his phone. Hazel eyes meeting a familiar shade of silver. His eyes slightly widened, as memories started flooding back to him. "…Aoyagi." he said as a greeting, nodding in his direction. "Where's An?" he asked, looking around the bar. It was around 3 in the morning on a Tuesday, so the bar was as barren as usual. However, the owners were no where to be seen, which was rare.
"…Akito." the boy greeted back as he resumed the task of cleaning off the bar counter and grabbed a glass to prepare Akito's drink. "They left me in charge tonight, An has an important school assignment, and Boss is helping her with it. I'm tonight's closer."
Back in the day they had been romantic partners, during their high school days. They hadn't particularly ended on a sour note, but they weren't on amazing terms either. It was a fairly neutral break up. During their final year of high school, Toya had revealed that his father was sending him to a boarding school in England, a school that Toya wasn't particularly interested.
It wasn't like he had any choice in the matter though, he wanted to get an education and his father had threatened to rescind his money offer if he didn't go. College was always something on Toya's mind, he wanted to go, he wanted to further his education and do something with his life. So Akito let him go, he would never keep someone he loved from living out their dream, but he had to come to the hard realization that they couldn't be together anymore.
Akito could not to the long distance thing, with Toya being a whole continent away, they had no choice but to break up. They talked nearly every day, but eventually life just hit both of them hard and they stopped communicating. Akito honestly never thought he'd ever see Toya again, and for a time he had forgotten about him. Now those memories were starting to come back to him, the memories of the boy he once cherished more than anything in the world.
His mouth flat lined as he went back to looking at his phone, staring at nothing in particular. It was always hard seeing an Ex no matter how good of terms you left off. Neither of them held any animosity towards each other, their break up was mutual, but it was still hard seeing him after all these years. "….I'll just have a Junmai Daiginjo. thanks." he mumbled, pulling out 2,955 yen and placing it onto the counter.
"Coming right up." Toya said smiling softly as he started making his drink, neither of them said a word to each other as Toya finished up his mixing and poured Akito the drink. He slid the glass over to him, eyes glued onto him.
After a couple moments of silence, Toya finally broke it with a simple question. "..how have you been?' he asked softly as he leaned against the back cabinet, watching as Akito downed his drink and slid it back towards him, clearly requesting another. Toya grabbed the empty glass and quickly made another one for him. Even after all these years, the love he had for Akito never wavered once. His well being meant a lot to him, so he wanted to make sure he was doing OK.
"Fine." Akito mumbled bluntly as he grabbed the drink and downed it again, "I've been.. fine." he repeated, voice betraying his true feelings. Toya could tell that he was being lied to, even if his voice hadn't wavered at the end, he still would have been able to tell that he was lying to him. He had been his partner, of course he knew when he was lying to him.
Still, they weren't that close anymore, he was in no position to pry into Akito's personal life anymore. Even if his love for him was still there, he wasn't sure that the feelings were still mutual. So Toya settled on a simple, "mmm…" an indication that Akito knew all to well meant, 'I don't fully believe you, but I wont force you to talk either.' A clear showing that Toya fully believed he was lying to him.
The room was engulfed in silence once more as Akito downed his fourth drink of the night, he had always been good at holding his liquor, but tonight he was going a bit overboard with the drinking. Maybe it was because of Toya's sudden appearance back in his life after radio silence from him for 5 years, or maybe it was simply because of the shitty day he had, either way he once again pushed his glass towards Toya, requesting another.
Toya's eyes narrowed as he shook his head, "I'm cutting you off. You've had enough. You can't drown your problems in alcohol."
"How the fuck would you know?" Akito shot back as he glared at him, "Give. Me. Another. Don 't act like you know me or what I'm going through. Don't act like you.. still know me." his words were slightly slurred but not to the point of being incomprehensible.
Toya glanced at the wall clock, It was now 4:10 AM and they closed at 4 AM anyways, it gave him a good excuse to cut Akito off for the night. "We're closed anyway. We close at 4, it's time for you to leave." he said as he grabbed his towel and continued his nightly closing duties.
He heard grumbles and complaining come from the boy, but nothing to the point of being a threat, he knew Akito and no matter how big of a grudge he held, he would never physically harm him. Toya glanced up from his cleaning and watched as the ginger haired boy stumbled away. ".. How did you get here anyways?" he asked.
There was no response from Akito as he grabbed a hold of the door handle.
"Akito—"
"What's it to you?"
"Answer the question, Akito." Toya said more sternly this time, in a warning tone that proved he wasn't playing around, especially not if Akito's life or the lives of others were going to be in danger. Akito was silent for a moment before pulling out his car keys, he had driven here and clearly planned to drive himself back home.
"Oh. Absolutely not. I'm driving you back." he said as he came out from around the counter and blacked Akito's path way, preventing him from stepping foot outside those doors, "..you still live in the same place?" he asked.
"mmm." was the only response he got.
"I'll take that as a yes." he softly exhaled as he took a hold of Akito's arm and guided him out of the shop, he locked up the bar before helping him towards where he had parked his car. Had Akito seriously planned on driving himself home tonight? Did he drive himself home every single night from the bar? Then again, there's a chance that Akito usually didn't drink as much as he had tonight, this was a side that he had never seen of Akito before. A more… depressed, angry, hurt side of him that he had never seen before.
He helped Akito into the passengers side before going around tot he drivers side and climbing in himself, he silently started the car as he glanced at Akito who was leaning against the window, staring out of it. He slowly backed out of the parking lot before turning into the main road, somehow, all these years later he still remember the directions to Akito's house.
Neither of them said a word, until Akito finally broke the ice. "…why did you leave me?" he mumbled, still staring out of his window, he earned a glance from Toya but no response. "…why, did you leave?" he repeated again, voice cracking slightly.
When Toya left, he had entered the darkest point of his life, it was a low point he never wanted to revisit, ever. Toya was all he had left, he couldn't stand his father, his sister and him no longer talked, and Toya was the only.. 'family' he had left. He didn't meet Ken and An until years after, and even then their visits were only ever exclusively in the bar. He was a regular of theirs, and that's as much as they knew about him.
Toya was all he had left, and yet, he left him.
"Y'know what? Forget it." he mumbled, "just… drunken ramblings."
"I loved you, Akito. You know that right?"
That statement earned a scoff from Akito, "Right. Loved." he replied, "Past tense" Of course Akito wasn't stupid, there was no way that 5 years later he still shared the same sentiment he did, 5 years of pining, 5 years of longing for something that would never be, 5 years of just.. wishing things were different.
"You're doing it again—"
"Doing what—?"
"That! Jumping to conclusions and never letting anyone get a word in edgewise. You always do this Akito, You over think, you jump to conclusions, you never let anyone explain. You're not letting me explain myself. Why I left. That I had. No. Choice." Toya said, emphasizing every word of his last sentence.
That shut Akito up as he went back to staring out the window, he didn't want to hear his excuses, he didn't want to know about the life Toya had lived that he wasn't apart of. A life he so desperately wanted to be apart of.
"I didn't know you were still that bitter about it.." Toya paused as he turned the corner down Akito's neighborhood and let out a sigh, "I didn't have a choice, my father.. made threats and offers, offers that 17 year old me couldn't refuse."
"..Offers that mattered more to you than me. Right.."
"That's not true! Nothing mattered more to me than you, nothing.. but.. I was 17, I was stupid, I was scared about my future. I was…" he paused as he stopped in front of Akito's house. ".. have a good night."
Akito stared at his house for a moment before opening the door and stumbling out. He stumbled towards the front door and dug inside his pocket for his keys, upon acquiring them he fumbled with the lock, and soon disappeared inside his home. Toya sat there for a couple seconds longer as Akito's figure disappeared from site. He couldn't explain because any explanation would seem selfish.
Toya knew as much, he claimed to love Akito more than anything, and yet he chose College and a good life over him. He didn't blame him for being hurt, if the roles were reversed, he would feel the exact same way. He let out a sigh and wiped away the onslaught of forming tears. "Fuck…" he groaned. he shook his head as he blinked away the tears and pulled out of Akito's drive way.
Honestly, Toya had assumed that was the end of that, he never thought he'd see Akito again after that night. He was only part time and would only ever help the Shiraishi's out when they truly needed it, that meant that he wouldn't be there that often. Sadly, fate had a funny way of working and the next night that he happened to be working, Akito entered the bar at the same time as last time.
This time Akito chose to take refuge in a secluded corner away from others, they were busier than they had been last time he was here, then again it was Saturday Night. Akito had barely spared him a glance upon entering and just sat in the stool staring at the bar table. He wasn't sure if Akito planned to order anything, or… he hadn't exactly asked for anything.
Toya stared for a moment, wondering what he should do before quickly making him a Junmai Daiginjo. The same exact type of sake he had made for him last time. Upon the completion of the drink, he slid it over to Akito.
"I didn't order anything—" he started to say, but was promptly cut off.
"It's on the house." Toya said softly, "BUT— only one."
"…Thanks." Akito mumbled as he pulled the drink closer to him and continued staring at nothing in particular. "..you're a real piece of shit, y'know." Akito mumbled as he downed the drink.
"I know." was all Toya said as he leaned against the back shelf, watching as Akito once again drunk himself into a stupor.
"..and ever all these years later, I still have a thing for you, I'm the real dumbass here." he mumbled softly. "You left me, threw me aside like yesterdays garbage, and I somehow still love you. You couldn't even be bothered to tell me why you left the other night, you just kicked me out of your car and—"
"Would you have listened?"
No response.
"Akito. Would you have actually listened?" Toya repeated, more sternly this time.
Akito slowly shook his head, the truth was, he wouldn't have listened. He was angry, hurt and confused. On top of that, he was drunk as hell. There's no way he would have been able to comprehend any response that Toya gave him. He stared at the counter top silently before muttering a simple, "Then explain.. please."
Toya's mouth flat-lined as he came out from behind the counter and took a seat in the stool next to Akito. "..I loved you, more than anything, but back then pleasing my father was what meant most to me. He, told me that if I didn't go to this school, he would kick me out, he said that the moment I turned 18, to pack my stuff and leave. He said that he wouldn't help me through college, that I'd be on my own. I was scared, Akito. I didn't want to ruin my future so I took his offers…" he explained softly.
"I would have helped you Toya, I would have let you live with me, I would have helped you pay for college. I had no interest in going to college, so I would have helped you. You know that, I would have done anything for you." Akito said, trying to get that through his thick skull.
"Akito, why would I ever ask you to put your life on hold for me? College is expensive, and we were 17 year old kids with minimum wage part time jobs. It would have taken forever to save up that kind of money, even if you saved up every last yen. That wouldn't have been fair to you, to ask you to do that for me.. it wouldn't have been fair." he said shaking his head.
"Even so, I would have done it. I would have done anything for you." Akito responded, voice cracked slightly, "You know that." That much was true, Akito would have done anything and everything for him if it meant keeping him in his life. "You.. were all I had…"
"Then why were you so 'OK' with the breakup back then?" Toya finally asked the pressing question, Akito had acted calm during their original break up, a little to calm for his liking.
"Because then who would be the bigger piece of shit? Me for keeping you from your dreams or you for leaving me at my lowest point? What kind of boyfriend would I have been to force you to stay. What kind of person would I have been to.. tell you no. I would have lost you for good if I had acted out, if I had acted the way I wanted to that day, we wouldn't even be talking now." Akito explained. "I didn't want to destroy our relationship to an irreparable point. I.. couldn't risk that."
That, made sense. Toya had to admit that if Akito had acted out that day, he would have seen his perspective totally different than he does now. He would have felt that Akito truly didn't care about his dreams, that Akito only cared about himself and their relationship. Which he knew wasn't true, tonight had proved as much that Akito cared about much more than just himself.
Akito had proved that he had always been number one in his life, that he had always been the person he thought of first when making decisions. He really did feel like a 'piece of shit' as Akito had so eloquently put it. He knew it wasn't all his fault, he was a scared 17 year old child, however he had to take some responsibility.
"I'm sorry." Toya finally said. "…that was the first thing I should have said to you the very first night you came into the bar. that I'm sorry. Because— I truly am. I blame my dad, and yet, the ultimate decision was mine. I made the choice. I ran away. I let him control my life. He.. no longer has that type of control over my life, and even upon achieving greatness it wasn't the greatness HE wanted for me, so he was never truly proud of me. I may be a successful lawyer now, but I have to face it, my father will never be proud of me no matter what i do. I threw away happiness just to appease him and I regret it every single day."
Akito went silent as he placed his arms on the table in a criss cross manner and laid his head on them, he turned towards Toya, "What would make you happy?' Akito asked softly.
"Repairing what I destroyed." Toya said without hesitation.
"How?" Akito hesitantly said.
"… by making up for the 5 years we lost together." Toya said, reaching over and brushing a strand of loose hair out of Akito's face. "Why don't we try being together, one.. last.. time…" he mumbled softly.
"How do you even know I'm still single?" Akito asked, letting out a pitifully sad chuckle.
Toya scoffed, "Would you have really come back to the bar, alone.. knowing I was working here now, if you were single? Oh, you conveniently happened to come back on the day I just so happened to work right…"
"..guess that's true." Akito replied as he closed his eyes, embracing Toya's touch as he continued to mess with the loose strands of hair that flew every which way. "Is that what you really want? To try again?"
"More than anything. Akito, I messed up, I know. I.. left you alone. I regret it every single day. You're right, we could have found another way, I know if I truly got kicked out that night, you would have let me live with you without a second thought. I know the love you had for me was genuine, and I never once doubted it." Toya paused before taking a deep breath. "I… want to make up for lost time."
Akito went silent as he opened his eyes and finally lifted his head, "Toya—" he started, he wanted more than anything to get back together with him, but he wasn't sure if he could go through another heartbreak real similar to the last one, it was a dark point he couldn't bare to return to again , if he went sown that path, he wasn't sure he'd survive next time.
"You don't have to answer now, OK?" Toya said as he stood up, "but think about it.. and if you decide to try again, come to the bar tomorrow, same exact time. I'll be here. If you don't come.. then I know you answer, and theres no hard feelings , alright? I get it, and I know better than to expect to be forgiven that easily, just… think about it, please. I gotta get back to work, see ya around, maybe." he went back behind the bar and started helping another patron who had entered.
He had left Akito with a lot to think about and consider, without another word or even sparing Toya a glance, he got up and left the bar. Akito knew he still loved Toya, more than anything, even after all those years of bitterness, he loved him. Maybe he truly was insane for that, but.. he now had closure. He had the full story and knew why Toya had left him alone that way. Not that he totally agreed with his reasoning, but at least he had closure, and he understood his point of view.
Toya's father had always hated him, he thought he was the worst kind of influence on his son and had gone even more ballistic upon hearing that they were dating and their friendship had evolved to become something more. He partially blamed himself, he felt that his father had done this to force them a[part, and honestly, he had succeeded. He had succeeded in ruining their relationship for FIVE. FUCKING. YEARS.
That was something he'd never forgive him for. Success meant more to him than his own son's happiness and that… he hated that. Luckily, it seemed that Toya had finally broken free from the chains that bound him, that Toya was finally starting to live his life the way he wanted to, and Akito was truly happy for him.
But, was he really allowed to be apart of that life Toya had built for himself?
Was he worthy of re-entering his life as he was now?
A broken and damaged man.
Someones used and recycled goods.
Eh, he'd figure it out tomorrow, for now.. he just wanted to sleep, and so he headed home. Silently driving down the path way he always took to get to his small run down house. Falling asleep almost the moment his head touched the pillow.
3:45 AM, on the following Sunday. Toya was once again working the bar alone as Ken and An were once again busy that night, he expected as much, though. He kept his eyes glued on the door, hoping that Akito would come in within the next 15 minutes, but he was starting to feel like it was a lost dream. "Guess he's not coming." he mumbled as he went to the door and locked it, flipping the sign to closed once the last customer left for the day.
He should have known better, he was… sad, but he didn't blame him for not trusting him. He would never blame him for the way he felt, his feelings were valid, and if Akito felt his life was better without him in it, then so be it. He understood.
As Toya proceeded to start his nightly duties, as he was mopping the floor, he heard a small. "rat-tat-tat" at the door. "we're closed!" he yelled without turning around as he continued mopping up, hopefully loud enough for the person to hear through the glass.
He was met with silence and then the same tapping again, he grunted as he turned around to see who was so persistent, he was met with a familiar face, one he hadn't expected to ever see again. He smiled as he dropped the mop and went to let him in. "…you actually came."
"Yeah.. well I'm a dumbass." Akito replied softly.
"I'm glad you came." Toya replied with a smile.
Silence enveloped them both before Akito finally broke it saying, "I thought about what you said, and… while I'm scared, terrified even, that things could end up the exact same way as before, at the same time. I don't want to lose you Toya. I—" he paused as he ran his hand through his hair, "Fuck.. why are words so hard? Why are feelings so difficult?" he groaned as he tried to figure out the best way to convey what he was feeling through words.
There was no response from Toya as he wrapped his arms around Akito and pulled him in for a huge, hiding his head deep into his shoulder. "You don't have to say anything… you… can stop talking now." he mumbled. "I.. get to be happy now. Happy, with you." he sniffled as a hint of a smile peaked through, that's all he wanted, a chance to be happy.
Akito slowly wrapped his arms around Toya, hugging him back, he was silent for a moment before saying. "Welcome back Toya. I've missed you."
"I'm home." Toya replied, "I'm finally home…"
Akito would be lying if he claimed he wasn't scared of their future. If Toya had left him so easily once, what was keeping him from doing it again? Still, he'd rather learn to trust his partner again, rather than live in fear and wonder about what could have been.
It wold take a while, but he wanted to rebuild their lost trust.
Trust he felt that Toya deserved to have.