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Lee Suho is cold.
That’s what anyone who knew Suho would say. He is- indeed cold to the people he isn't close with. He has a wall up around him so high that no one could climb it or break it or get past it.
He is a composed man, a top student, a role model, and a statue of calmness and politeness. He never wavers, stays steadfast, and never breaks rules. Some may even find him untouchable, unreachable- a star-like person.
That’s who Lee Suho is.
At least, for the world.
Well, for seojun, that’s not how his Suho is. Seojun’s Suho is the definition of clumsiness. He might look calm on the outside, but there are so many things going on under that layer of fake calmness- inside his head. He looks like the perfectly composed, never-give-a-damn-about-anything role model type, but he flinches at loud noises, quiet whispers, and the people who idolize him.
He looks like he has everything figured out, but if you get close enough, you can see a boy who didn’t have any choice but to survive with everything life threw at him- a boy who yearns to be loved, aches to be held. A crying storm of a soul, worn out from trying to hold himself together for so long.
But yeah- still, Suho’s ability to appear like that, that skill of not giving a reaction when the world tries to crush him, is something Seojun has always admired. It’s not healthy, but it is a nice ability to have.
And Han Seojun. Oh, Seojun.
Seojun wasn’t a saint. He had done a lot of fucking stupid, regretful shit in his life. Unlike Suho, Seojun isn’t a perfect statue on the outside, and he isn’t a perfect person on the inside either. He has a long list of 'things you should have known better than to do,' and Lee Suho took several spots on that list- including the top.
Back then, when Seojun got into that infamous so-called love rivalry with Suho over Im Ju Kyung, it has been about… hurting Suho? Or more like… getting a reaction out of him? Seojun still doesn’t know what he was thinking back then. How could he have even thought about hurting Suho more when he was already in so much pain?
Not to say Im Ju Kyung didn’t deserve something like that at all, being caught in the middle of Seojun’s petty revenge whims. (Although the affection he later felt toward her- though totally platonic-was real.) Well… Seojun was too full of hatred and blinded by it to see anything else. That’s the only explanation left now.
Later- after all the accidents, panic attacks, truth revealed and true beauties- and after listening to his own heart about the blurred line between hate and love- when he thought Suho and Ju Kyung would work ( better than him with either of them. No... better than him with Suho) , he made up his mind to withdraw from both of them. At that time, he thought it was for the better, for the boy and the girl he had wronged.
But Suho runs back to him.
To Han Seojun- who broke his heart into two.
Seojun doesn’t even know what he has done in this life- or maybe it’s something he did in a past life, because he surely doesn’t have much of a list of good deeds in this life- to deserve this angel like human being running back into his arms.
(Their- the boy and the girl Seojun had wronged- breakup wasn’t even dramatic. It was just a deep understanding that they weren’t meant to be with each other as life partners and were better off as friends. Oh god! They do. they do. They fit each other as soulmates, to the point sometimes Seojun thinks that if life had been less traumatic for these two, they would have been such a power duo.
Seojun hits his own head at the thought.)
Suho gives Seyeon’s song to Seojun ("there’s no one else who deserves to sing it or who could sing it better than you" he says, " trust me. Seyeon would be happy to listen you sing it." hresays.), and Seojun, even with doubts, agrees. If Suho trusts him, he can do it too… for Suho. For Seyeon.
He sings it (spotlight on him), and there’s a huge crowd and the crowd goes wild and all of his people are there and Suho smiles- not panicking at the song, finally- Ju Kyung standing beside him while bouncing on her heels. It’s a trio again. Seyeon isn’t being replaced - he would never be- and Seojun hopes Seyeon wouldn’t be sour about it. No. He knows Seyeon wouldn't be.
(And again, looking at suho's smile ( pretty.) Seojun wonders how he ever thought about causing pain to the boy with that eye-smile. He knows that if Seyeon were here, he would have knocked some sense into Seojun's head for his stupidity.)
Backstage, Suho hugs Seojun tightly, as if Seojun might disappear. Seojun holds him, forgetting the world around him, placing a kiss against Suho’s hair- gentle. Ju Kyung taps him, reminding him that he is an idol now.
Once in their apartment, Seojun softly dries Suho’s hair after the shower they took together. Most days, Suho pretends to be limp, allowing him to do it, leaning against Seojun ( physically… and mentally too) and Seojun doesn’t mind. He doesn’t really mind and is glad that Suho leans against him, trusting him enough to be vulnerable.
Seojun isn’t sure if he deserves such a valuable place in Suho’s life, or those trusting eyes of Suho’s, but since he has it, he is ready to keep this man safe and sound. (And he knows Suho trusts him to keep this version of himself cherished, and only to be seen by Seojun.)
Seojun presses his lips to Suho’s temple, and Suho smiles, eyes moist. Then tears stream down- more often than not in times like these (and those tears would only be seen by Seojun, and Seojun could promise on his life that he would keep it that way). Seojun is reminded again that there’s a broken child inside this so-called cold man.
“Happy tears,” Sniffling ( adorably) Suho claims, clinging to him, and Seojun just holds him close, listening to Suho’s ramblings about the day and everything and anything.
Ah… there’s another thing.
Lee Suho talks a lot.
Well- he doesn’t, usually. He didn’t earn that “cold” title since school for nothing. But here’s another fact: Suho never had anyone who would talk with him, who would listen to him. Back then, when he had time, Seyeon did. And when he was gone, Suho had no one to listen.
Then comes Im Ju Kyung.
She listens. She reassures. She hugs. She holds. Still, Seojun knows there’s a wall that even Ju Kyung couldn’t climb or break. Suho listens to Ju Kyung more and knows her insecurities, but doesn’t speak about his own in return.
Still, on the days the three of them hang out, sometimes Seojun excuses himself, only to intentionally linger back, listening to them talk about comics. It’s nice to hear Suho laugh with someone else from time to time because that means he’s healing. Seojun smiles as both of them say the same thing at the same time, then laughs at it. Ah! Soulmates- those two, for real.
Somehow, Seojun breaks all the walls. He climbs the walls of Lee Suho’s guarded heart- the ones no one ever dared to climb- and then Suho breaks them, only for Seojun. Seojun isn’t the biggest talker or the best listener in the world, but he can do both for Suho. Because it’s Suho.
So Suho rambles. About his day, about that annoying employee at his office, about the nasty traffic in Seoul, about how irritating Seojun’s fangirls’ attention is, about a wrinkle his shirt got because Seojun kissed him in “cute aggression” (side note: Suho blushes, and doesn't push Seojun off, so he knows suho loves that kiss) before Seojun drops him off at work on some days, about how nowadays songs don’t sound like the ones he used to listen to as a kid, how mean people are for ignoring that puppy on the roadside, how nice the weather is, how much he loves the new season of the comic he’s been reading, and how much of a mean jerk Seojun is for not kissing him enough.
Seojun listens, not missing a single detail. He laughs, sometimes gets hit because he laughed for the wrong reason, and kisses Suho until he becomes breathless.
Suho loves to be breathless from Seojun’s kisses, to fall apart in Seojun’s arms, to peel off even the last layer of barrier he’s wearing against the world. Seojun knows it when Suho beams like he’s drunk after a breathless kissing session. He knows it when Suho clings to him while Seojun explores every bump and dip on him- laughing and crying. ( in pleasure. In happiness. And Seojun could swear he had never known a prettier crier than Suho.) He feels it when both of them come down from their high, suho going limp in his arms- impossibly holding close. Seojun sees it on the nights Suho gets drunk, leaning against his shoulder with half-lidded eyes and a serene face, murmuring a song. He embraces it when Suho nuzzles his nose against Seojun’s shoulder while checking what he’s cooking on sleepy mornings.
Oh. Lee Suho. Lee Suho.
He drops his birthday cake if Seojun isn’t fast enough to catch it, and burns the new recipe he’s trying while checking the instructions. He falls asleep amidst reading a book, cries while watching sad movies, and forgets his glasses at times in a rush. He fumbles with Seojun’s shirt buttons and struggles with Seojun’s tie. He tries to flirt with Seojun smugly, then turns red when Seojun flips the table, hiding his face in Seojun’s neck.
Lee Suho cries, whines, pouts, and occasionally hits (harmless paws, really) to show his displeasure. He scowls when annoyed and glares when mad. He smiles when Seojun randomly gives him flowers, and giggles like a child caught doing what he was told not to do after showing up in Seojun’s waiting room at music shows to surprise him. He beams when he pulls Seojun up to dance to a random love song on the radio, and Seojun complies. His eyes shine when Seojun loves his surprise gifts and homemade dinners.
Lee Suho isn’t cold.
Lee Suho isn’t the calm, polite person everyone sees.
He is the warmest, clumsiest, loveliest, messiest person Seojun has ever known- maybe the most cat-like person Seojun has ever met. And that side of Suho belongs to Seojun and only Seojun, forever- and Seojun would forever cherish it, holding Suho close to his heart and soul. Seojun knows it’s not something to be taken for granted, and he never would.
“Love you…” Seojun says, his forehead against Suho’s, gently swaying to Lover playing in the background with Suho in his arms. Suho smiles- that prettiest smile Seojun has ever seen on anyone.
“Love you too…” his lover whispers back, cheeks blushing. Seojun, unable to hold back, presses a few kisses against that blush, then lips.
Suho giggles.
And it means the world to Seojun.