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On occasion, it did happen that land provided to the priory was quite far away. And so after a (hopefully) warm welcome towards the new novices, Philip made time to ride to their new pastures, with Aliena in tow. She was excited to do business directly with the shepherds, through Philip but nonetheless for her own gain. With her buying directly from the farms, there was no need to arrange for a transport to Kingsbridge, but rather directly to Shiring, where wool could be sold quicker. Kingsbridge Priory would get a cut of the profit, for owning the lands, but it would be paid in coin directly instead of product.
Of course, no one with half a thought in his mind would agree to make such a deal with a stranger, but Philip trusted Aliena as much as he trusted his fellow monks. Perhaps even more so, for while he loved all his brothers, he knew that some of them could be easily tempted by the sin of greed- owning for owning's sake. Aliena, on the other hand, had never kept much for herself. It all either went towards a bigger business, or expenses for her brother.
If Philip was unkind, he would say that perhaps her brother was the one to indulge in greed or gluttony- but he hadn't seen Richard since he became a knight proper. So he did not feel it right to judge.
It was a hot day, and the heat coming from his horse didn't help. They had reached the pastures in the early afternoon, but had politely declined the offer to stay for the night- they could easily ride to St-John-in-the-forest from here, spend the night there and ride for Kingsbridge in the early morning. Philip was looking forward to the visit. He hadn't announced it, and so a part of him was suspicious as to the state of the place. He told himself that he trusted the brothers there. They knew not to stray from the path.
Aliena was in her own world of thoughts. What had started as thinking about the wool trade had turned into reminiscing, and then to bitterness. Usually she'd go and sit with Martha, but Martha was back in Kingsbridge. She and Philip had not taken an entourage, and for some reason she now missed having an entourage. Someone always felt it their duty to entertain her, or started a conversation she could listen in on. Those years of her life had been cut short. It made her grit her teeth and glare at the trees beside her.
Aliena knew, of course, that she'd been extraordinarily lucky to even have those years in the first place. Martha could understand some of it, but other times Aliena saw a deep envy in her beloved friend's eyes. Martha had learned about hunger, fear and death very very early in life. Talking about feasts and celebration usually made her look away and try to change the topic. And some children, Aliena knew, did not even get what childhood Martha had.
"Philip?", she asked. She'd let him go in front because his horse was slower, and that way Aliena would not have to reign hers in. Now she caught up that small distance, riding next to him. He blinked, looked at her, clearly having been deep in thought.
"Yes?"
"I was just wondering- were you ever a child?"
The question was so absurd that Philip actually laughed, and Aliena, either aware of the way she sounded or just amused to see Philip find something funny, laughed too.
Then she sobered up and said: "I meant, everyone is young for a while. But I've seen so many who have not been children, or have only been children on a few days in the year, or only for a few good years, like Martha."
Philip thought, then, that this was perhaps not a question to ask so lightly, and frowned a little.
"Richard and I always got to play with the castle's children.", Aliena said, "Now looking at that time, I am glad we could spend a few hours every day living in a world that was not governed so harshly by the rules of the grown people."
"Well.", Philip weighed his words, "My life, on the other hand, has always been governed by the rules of God and His saint. I grew up in a monastery."
"Oh, like Jonathan?"
"A little like Jonathan, yes.", he didn't care to say he had a different life before that. He barely remembered it, and it did not matter.
"And that was in Gwynedd, wasn't it?"
"It was."
"...Do you miss home sometimes?"
Philip thought about this. If pressed to answer whether he liked the surrounding fields there better than the ones surrounding Kingsbridge, he wouldn't know what to say. Neither did he favour the architecture of one abbey over another- his childhood monastery did not have a cathedral, but neither did Kingsbridge Priory at the moment.
He did, however, miss it. He missed having Francis follow him like a smaller shadow. He missed the food, he missed the voices of the choir, he missed the novice master nodding approvingly when Philip told him the right answer. He missed Abbot Peter's wise words, and had in the past years often tried to imagine what he would say, how he would solve a particular problem.
"Are you asking me whether I miss the place I once called home, or the time in which I did so?", he asked Aliena.
It was a wise question, she realised.
"...When I think about home, it always seems far away now.", she said, "But Earlscastle isn't far from here. It's just that it will never be home as long as William Hamleigh still lives."
She bit her lip hard and stared away. Her voice carried too much bitterness. It seemed childish to her, this fury that didn't lead to action but only to tears.
"I'm sorry, Aliena.", Philip said softly. He was always so kind when she brought up that attack, it made her feel even weaker. After all, Kingsbridge was the only place that gave shelter to the people of Earlscastle- Philip had heard so many horrible stories of fates far worse than hers and Richard's. He'd watched so many die of their wounds.
"You don't need to feel sorry.", she said, "You saved so many of our people."
Philip closed his eyes for a moment, and silently prayed for forgiveness. His involvement had cost Aliena everything, and still she was strong and determined to set it all right. God rejoices when the sinner cries for all he has done, he thought as a brief comfort, surely He values any attempt to help remedy the sins of one's past.
It still wasn't enough to dare to seek forgiveness from the people he had wronged, though. So perhaps forgiven by God, Philip would not be forgiven by his neighbor so easily. And he was not going to destroy Aliena's only livelihood by confessing to be a traitor to her father. The poor girl had gone through enough, by far.
"Perhaps if I went back,", he said, mostly to change the topic, "I would find some people who I miss dearly. But a lot of those I looked up to were old even back then- it would be more likely I would come to find they've already returned to the Lord."
Aliena, perhaps getting the hint that Philip did not want to talk about the attack on Earlscastle, but herself not knowing how to respond to the possibility of everyone you love dying someday, instead said: "You know, I've never been to Wales. My grandfather, earl before my father, went there. But that was before I was born."
She wanted to hit herself on the head. Here she was, babbling incoherently about something or other while ignoring what Philip said completely. He was too at peace with the idea of death for Aliena, who more than anything did not want to think about how everyone she had looked up to as a child was also dead now- her father, Matthew, most of the knights and servants (if they were not forced to work for William or managed to flee).
She did notice Philip pressing his lips together, possibly because she so rudely ignored him. It really wasn't proper- sometimes she wondered whether she left her manners behind with the rest of her life as nobility.
"Sorry,", she said, "I just mean, it'd be nice to visit another country. Richard and I always wanted to travel when we were young. Maybe once we have the earldom back we finally can."
Philip ignored all impulsive and violent urges. He reminded himself that it was no use; punishing ignorance with violence did not lead to understanding. He reminded himself that he decided to trust Aliena. He reminded himself that if he wanted to measure fault, his was more grievous than hers.
It did not stop his voice from becoming ice cold in the summer heat.
"I would prefer it if you wouldn't."
Aliena blinked, taken aback.
"I'm sorry.", she said again, this time bewildered. She'd never seen Philip this quietly furious before. It scared her, and suddenly she understood why some of the younger monks and novices tried to not cross paths with him often if they could help it.
"Just...", Philip was clearly trying very hard to give his voice that kind, understanding tone, "Try to think of what your grandfather might have been doing in Wales. Do you think he went on a vacation?"
"I- No-", Aliena stuttered, because suddenly, she realised her grandfather had been fighting there. And as she had learned, fighting meant- fighting meant horror for everyone whose home was being fought in, or fought for.
He grew up like Jonathan, she thought suddenly, and finished the thought with ...as a priory orphan.
Philip could not look at Aliena, and so his sign that she had understood was hearing her inhale and then, for lack of other words, say: "Oh. Oh, no. I- I am so sorry."
Who knew if her grandfather did actually have anything to do with the killing of his parents?
"My parents died to the English.", he said, and then added: "And now we will never talk about this again."
"Oh, Philip, I didn't-"
"I am forbidding you to speak of it.", he snarled, "Is that clear, Aliena?!"
Beneath the tight-pulled tension, he was quite surprised he still had that tone in him. The chaotic years in Kingsbridge had made him almost too forgiving, not prone to reprimanding, not least because at the perpetual construction site there was no place left that was private, and Philip would not stoop so low as to berate someone in public if it could be helped. People respected his authority, even the novices only needed a light talking to before they would fall into good behaviour. And, perhaps most importantly, the monks and the novices were his. He was their prior, and they had taken vows of obedience.
Aliena had taken no such vow. Moreso, by nature of her nobility she had been taught to be the one to give orders, not to follow them. She was a free citizen like everyone else, and as business partners she and Philip were technically equals. Philip had authority in spiritual matters, but he could not expect her to obey him.
"Yes.", she said, "It's clear."
For about half an hour, they did not speak.
Aliena felt uneasy. She wanted to apologise again, but knew that an apology was not what Philip wanted. She was worried he might be upset with her permanently- and as much as she would like to pretend they were just friends who were having a small fight, she was worried about her business. Without Philip, her income would be halved or even less. Sure, he needed her just as she needed him, but he had something she lacked, which was people. He most likely wouldn't find a good wool merchant, but he could surely find someone who could count and instruct them to take over the business.
Aliena let out a barely audible sigh, and for the first time in about half an hour, Philip glanced at her. She seemed worried.
Had he been too harsh? He'd never been great at guessing what people thought about him. What if she hadn't expected that intense of a reaction and now feared for their frienship? Or even, he realised suddenly, for her own safety? He did not want to bring the whole thing up again, so he tried for a less complicated topic: "Have you heard from your brother recently?"
"I have. He's very busy.", Aliena sighed, glad to have something else to focus on, "I worry being in all this rough company affects him. I miss when he was... less of an arse."
Philip snorted, but still said: "You shouldn't call your brother such things."
It was a good-natured reprimand, almost non-serious, from a man who very well knew that Richard was an arse.
"Can you believe that this is the man who wasn't even tall enough to climb the ladder to the castle tower a couple of years ago? I, or Matthew, had to help him with his boots every time he wanted to go outside."
Philip smiled.
"Younger brothers always want to find a way to exceed their older siblings. A futile effort; we will always see the child in them."
He caught Aliena's quizzical look.
"You have a brother, too?"
"His name is Francis.", Philip said, happy to remember him, "He used to follow me around everywhere, as children. More mischievious than I, he used to talk me into trouble. I could never say no to him."
In a long string of trouble, the last one wasn't quite as harmless as reading a book that was off-limits or lying about whose turn it was on kitchen duty. How could he have said yes? But then if he hadn't, Francis might have been hurt. And maybe instead of the attack at Earlscastle, Earl Bartholomew would have made an equally devastating attack somewhere else. Was some bloodshed excusable to avoid other, worse bloodshed? No, not to Philip. But perhaps to Francis, it was exactly so.
"You? In trouble?", Aliena laughed, "I don't know if I can believe that."
"I'm sure he would love to tell you.", Philip said, "He was always too restless for life as a monk. He works at the court of Gloucester now, as a priest."
"Oh, Gloucester?", Aliena strained her memory. She had been in Gloucester as a child, accompanying her father who met with Earl Robert with some regularity. It was before King Henry had died, and so the memory was hazy. But she did recall a priest, maybe twenty or so, who supervised her and Richard's writing lessons while they were there. He'd struck Aliena as very sympathetic towards them, promising to tell them interesting stories if they finished early.
"I think I might have met him.", she said, "But that was more than ten years ago."
It made sense. The alliance between Earl Robert of Gloucester and Earl Bartholomew of Shiring seemed to be an old bond. Philip wondered whether his brother still remembered Aliena. If he knew, maybe he would feel the same guilt. She was a sign of unfair punishment, a symbol that even if the children no longer suffer the sins of their fathers in the eyes of God, the eyes of man will see them suffer not only for the sins of their fathers, but those of their fathers' friends and their fathers' enemies, too.
"I haven't seen him in a long time, but we write letters. He tells me court life is quite different from our monastic childhood."
Aliena smiled.
"I imagine so."
"I have gone to see the king only once in my life.", Philip said, avoiding mentioning why he was there, although Aliena knew, "And I would prefer if it would stay that way. Court respects power, it has no room for faith."
Aliena nodded, this was quite obvious to her. The Church was important in the world, but it was not as important in England, and she knew that a lot of people generally agreed with the notion that one was only Christian on Sundays and holy days.
"They don't like the religious.", she said, "Secular clergy they understand more, since they make a living in politics too."
"This is what I've told my brother: I believe we have to compromise one for the other. I have compromised my involvement in the world to be closer to God, while he has compromised his relationship with God to be more involved in the world. He doesn't agree with me."
Even monks have quarrels between brothers, Aliena observed. She thought it unnecessary to point out to Philip that he was very involved with the world and its politics as prior. He certainly knew that already.
"You must've been a better monk than him when you were children.", she said, "Younger brothers never want to do the same thing if the older does it better."
Philip laughed.
"He would have done it better, if he had wanted. He's smarter than I. He is charming, he has a way with words. I don't know how he does it, but he can convince nearly anyone to do what he wants."
"You don't need to be charming if people can see that you're doing the right thing.", Aliena said. She said it mostly because she wanted to believe it.
"That should be true more often than it is.", Philip said.
Aliena scoffed, "Ask anyone in Kingsbridge. They all love you, Philip."
"Really?"
She almost laughed when she saw that he really was surprised.
"Of course they do! You take care of people. You gave them shelter, and what little food you had, and now you provide them with good work. Most of the monks I talk to say everything has only gotten better since you were elected prior."
"I- uh...", Philip blushed, "I'm just trying to follow the Lord's will, really."
Now Aliena actually laughed.
"I can see why you would hate courts. You can't be humble around nobility. You have to stand up for yourself, and be your own supporter. And you can't be forgiving if someone else makes a mistake."
"Those in power have always had trouble with that.", Philip said plainly.
Aliena suddenly felt her heritage on her shoulders. She was the rightful ruler of Shiring! He shouldn't talk to her like that, about her own family who'd owned the land they lived on and all its people for decades.
"If everyone just forgave everyone's debts and mistakes that may have cost them, the land would be lawless!", she said, a bit too quickly.
She stared down at her horse with pursed lips, but because she liked Philip and wanted to appear diplomatic, she added: "...You may just be a more forgiving person than everyone else."
A more forgiving person than anyone else... Even if that was true, it was not just by nature.
"I used to be very angry when I was younger.", he said.
Aliena's interest seemed piqued because she looked up again.
"You?"
"Had I been prior back then, I would have been harsh and unfair. Under Prior James, God rest his soul, Remigius handled the punishments of the novices. He caned them so hard they were bleeding. Some of them ran away."
"That's horrible!"
"It is. But I often wonder if that's not what I would have wanted to do myself, some time ago. I thank God I didn't have the power to decide those things back then."
"...I've seen some knights hit their servants.", Aliena said, "And father pronounced punishments for lawbreakers, of course. I never liked the screams, I always feel sorry for the poor souls, but I don't know if you could run a castle without it."
"There are other ways to make them feel your righteous anger, milady.", Philip said, almost with a smile, as if to say you are not a lady right now, but perhaps you will be later.
They were close to St-John-in-the-forest by now, and the temperature had dropped to something more bearable. Philip dismounted his horse and gestured for Aliena to do the same, then took the narrow, slightly hidden path between the trees, trampled down earth and no marker.
A few minutes later, the cell became visible. Its tiny chapel stood below the trees, its dormitory and refectory in the same clearing. Philip suddenly realised how used he had become to the larger priory, even to having his own house.
"Where is everybody?", Aliena asked, uneasy.
"At work.", Philip responded, then looked up at the sky, "But not for long. It should be time for Vespers any minute now."
He showed her to the stables and they fed their horses. Aliena had gathered that this must be a cell belonging to Kingsbridge Priory, otherwise Philip would not so readily take food for their horses as if it was his.
At that moment, a high bell began to rang, and they moved back to the clearing, where now Aliena could finally see about twenty monks, returning from fieldwork or other such tasks. Their reaction to Philip was quite striking to her: It was a mix of excitement and worry, but as soon as there'd been the initial reaction, they all stood still. The bell stopped ringing and another monk poked his head out of the church- by his demeanor Aliena could tell he must be the one in charge. He hurried over to them.
"Father Philip!", he said, and now that he was closer to her, Aliena could tell he was nervous.
"Brother Michael.", Philip said warmly, and embraced him, "I can see you're anxious to hold Vespers on time- I'm sorry for disturbing you. Go on, I'll simply follow. We can talk afterwards."
Brother Michael nodded, then looked confused at Aliena.
"Is she, uh-"
"Oh, Aliena. If you want, you can come with us, or see what the brothers are making in the kitchen."
It was nice of him to give her an out, and she was happy to take it. She liked mass, but she did not need it daily. Besides, she was starving. They hadn't made a rest since the farms.
Philip was overjoyed to the point of tears. The brothers were doing well! Everything was in order, the service was perfect. He hadn't had the luxury of partaking in Vespers without the noises and shouts of the workers for years now, and the quiet, solemn, devout prayers moved him deep within his soul. He was quite glad to have chosen a place further back, so no one could see the dumb smile on his face and tears in his eyes. No one turned around to look at him- they were all obediently following the office. He thanked God, and then he thanked Him again and again, and for a moment none of his worries about Kingsbridge could get to him.
Aliena entered the kitchen, a small, wooden building, more like an overhang, that barely fit around the stone oven in the middle. An older monk was roasting chickens, and the smell was making her mouth water.
"Good evening.", she said. He looked up.
"And just who are you?", he smiled softly, "A guest, in our cell?"
"I came with Prior Philip.", she said.
His expression shifted.
"Father Philip is here?", he asked, "How, uh, how wonderful. I should- I should prepare something special. Or, hm, maybe I shouldn't. I don't- did he say anything? Why he is visiting?"
Aliena couldn't hold her curiosity any longer: "Everyone I've seen here is so nervous around him. Why is that?"
The kitchener looked at her like she'd gone crazy.
"Have you never seen Philip angry?", he asked.
Aliena still remembered how he snapped at her on their ride, but she would not have seen that as reason to be nervous around him. She'd clearly overstepped some sort of line, and he'd corrected her, and in any case his dead parents were his business and he'd forbidden her to reveal it to anyone for his own sake.
"I think I have.", she said.
"If you think you have, then you haven't.", he said, "And if you haven't, you must either not know him for very long, or you have lived a very godly life."
"I've known him for several years.", Aliena said.
The kitchener shrugged. "Godly life it is."
"Now wait a moment-", Aliena said but he had turned to throw more wood into the fire, and the noise had drowned her out. She decided there was nothing more he'd tell her, as friendly as he was. She wandered back out, and sat on one of the benches around the clearing. She heard the muffled voices of the office coming to an end. Then, the monks left the little church in single file, and each went off to do something else, some joining the kitchener to help prepare dinner, some walking further off, perhaps to the animals. The rest, only a handful, quietly dispersed around the clearing. Philip spotted her, and waved to Brother Michael and another monk to follow him.
"And this is Aliena of Kingsbridge.", he said, "She is the best wool merchant in all of Shiring."
"The best?", the monk who was not Brother Michael echoed.
"It's a pleasure to meet you.", Brother Michael bowed slightly.
"Aliena, these are Prior Michael and Brother John.", Philip said.
"Johnny Eightpence.", Brother John said.
"He is known here as Johnny Eightpence.", Philip said.
"Good evening.", Aliena said to both of them with a friendly smile.
Brother Michael was more than happy to talk about the wool business and the economy around Kingsbridge village with Aliena, and Johnny could not help but ask Philip millions of questions.
"How is the little baby? Brother Michael said you named him Jonathan?"
Philip nodded.
"Yes. He is quite well, thanks to your trick with the goat milk."
"He still drinks the milk?"
"No, he has outgrown it for a few years now."
"How big is he now?"
Philip indicated Jonathan's height with his hand, and Johnny gasped, clearly excited.
"That's great, Father! I hope he grows up taller than all of us. Means we did a good job!"
Philip, who was one of the few monks shorter than Johnny, smiled, "I hope so too."
Johnny tensed, then untensed, then tensed again, as was typical of him when he had something to say but did not want to say it.
"What is it, Johnny?"
"I, uh, I told your brother. Back then. I still miss you, Father."
It was very sweet of him. Johnny always meant it when he talked about his feelings.
"I miss my life here too.", Philip said.
"Can't you come back?"
"No.", he gave Johnny a considerate smile, "If you wanted, you could come back to Kingsbridge with me. But we're in the middle of rebuilding the cathedral. Every day there is a cacophony of noise, and dozens of workers come in and out."
Johnny shook his head.
"No, Father, I can't do that."
"Then we'll have to miss each other, Johnny. I will visit when I have the time."
Johnny nodded.
"I know you're busy, Father."
It was then that the kitchener walked up and asked Prior Michael to come with him. He nodded to Aliena and left, and Johnny decided to follow them.
"They're nice people.", Aliena said vaguely, just to say something.
"The cell is in a good state.", Philip replied, smiling as if this was a relief to him, "The brothers have worked so hard."
"Why are they all scared of you?"
Philip looked at her, taken out of this moment of contentment.
"Hm?"
"They're all so nervous around you.", Aliena said, "One of them said he's scared of your anger."
Philip blinked, then looked away.
"I told you I was angry, in my youth. When I was made prior of St-John, I had already made it my duty to control that anger. But sometimes it is necessary to rebuke, to reprimand, and even to punish, although I don't believe in excessive caning or scourging."
Aliena nodded. "I understand."
Spoken with the consideration of a lady who would one day have to decide on punishment for those she would help govern, Philip thought. What he said was only: "Now let's go and see what kind of supper they have cooked up."