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He had seen the small circle etched across his mother’s wrist forever unchanged and the dot showing on his father’s that always remained the same. When he was younger he would ask what meeting your soulmate feels like and would be met with the same response every time.
He would stare down at his own mark, the small black ring imprinted onto the soft skin of his arm and sigh. Maybe the world is lying to him, maybe it's all just some sick joke everybody plays on their kids. The world is far more complex yet far more simple than anybody dares to hope. Maybe it's all just a lie that we all built on and believed, were spoon fed from the second we were born only to grow up and find the truth.
The first time he saw one, the breathtaking swirls and colors stretching across Mrs. Potter’s skin, he felt a tightness in his chest. It was real, at least for some people. But maybe that's the thing that scares him most. The thought of his arm remaining plain the rest of his life like his parents’ own.
He looks down and sighs as he's done so many times before. Earlier today Claudia Johnson had burst through the portrait hole animatedly telling about how she had been kissing Jared Barron behind the greenhouses when she looked down to see a bright pink flower sprout up on her pale skin. Everybody had swarmed her in excitement pressing with questions, ‘what did it feel like’s’ and ‘can I see it’s’ were pushed on the girl who seemed happy to be the center of attention.
Sirius noticed how things have changed. In first year the tattoos were something of much discussion. Girls would crowd and imagine the boy that would make their ink move. Boys would huddle in their dorms and scoff at how sappy the whole idea was only to blush because inside their chest would fill with warmth at the idea. It was all games back then, just imagination.
Now in seventh year those girls who were once only dreaming were boasting about their loves. Boys who were snorting at the idea have beautiful marks budding on their wrists. Sirius guessed it's always a bit scary when the things you've only dreamed of finally begin to come true.
He wouldn't know though. His arms have remained the same. It was okay to him until about a week ago when James had rushed into the dorm displaying his wrist excitedly, shouting about how him and Evans had been studying in the library when she had leaned over and placed a chaste kiss on his mouth only to look down and find a soft pink lily flower open up on his skin. A weight had dropped in Sirius’ chest at that. As happy as he had been for his friend he couldn't help the fear that bubbled in his chest.
It was okay when it was all of them. The four marauders, bachelors of Hogwarts, but now it wasn't anymore. He hears a book drop and looks up to find Remus settling into the chair next to him.
“Sirius Black willingly in the library on a Saturday, are you sure nobody slipped something funny into your pumpkin juice this morning?” The boy asks playfully causing Sirius to grin.
“Well I'm not too sure moony, there's only one person I know who would use a potion in order to force me to study. Are you sure you don't know anything.” He returns with a smile.
“Well my dear padfoot if I had made the potion you would be stuck in the hospital wing right now and we both know it,” That caused Sirius to giggle against his arm as there was no denying that.
“Too true moony, too true,” Remus grins and flips open his transfiguration book next to him.
Sirius finds himself observing his tawny friend. The jagged map of scars stretched below his collar and up to his hairline. Sirius often found himself following the lines, connecting the pale roads with his eyes.
The boy still had the simple line on his arm as well. They had been sure it would fill in from Tadia Fisher in sixth year but when the girl finally kissed him, after months of fancying each other, the line hadn't grown. When Remus had come back to the dorm that night and talked the boys through the story Sirius had felt a bit giddy. He wrote it down to his worry of being the last in the group to find his partner but that feeling still poked at him every time he caught a glimpse of Remus’ un inked arm.
Sirius often finds himself wondering what the boy’s will look like, the intricate designs mingling in amongst his jagged scars. He thinks how beautiful that will look. The good overcoming the bad.
“I know you don't have much experience with this whole studying thing but it might help if you actually look at your book,” Sirius blinks surprised and moves to sit up at the other boy’s words. He hears Remus let out a chuckle next to him and he turns to flash a quick smile.
That same smile used to be the one he would send to every bird he found the slightest bit attractive causing them to pull him behind the greenhouses for a quick snog. It was months ago since the last time he'd found himself pressed up against anybody. James and Peter had poked at him as to why he'd stopped honing after girls, they even had tried to set the man up with a few they thought he'd fancy until a month ago when Sirius finally snapped and told them he hadn't wanted anymore girls. Funny enough was the fact of the hidden meaning in that statement, one the other two hadn't realized at the moment.
Remus had though. He saw the way the other boy stared extra long at Frank Longbottom when he came down the stairs in frumpled sweats on Saturdays. He saw the way Sirius shuffled when they sat at quidditch practice to watch James. He saw the way he was never happy when he was with a girl. He would come back to the dorm in an odd mood and go straight to his bed and closed the curtains. The others had chalked it all up to the fact of another dead end in his search for a soulmate but Remus knew the real reason.
Remus had known of his own preferences for quite a while now. He had always known he fancied girls but as he grew older he began to notice things. Like when Tommy DeLuca started wearing leather pants to Hogsmeade or how Alec Baldwin always got all sweaty and hot after quidditch practice. He had made his peace with it. He figured he would have an abnormal life no matter who he loved so he might as well leave it be.
He glances over to find his black haired friend with an odd look on his face staring blankly at his open textbook. Remus had noticed other things too. The way Sirius made a little pouty face when he was forced to work on something he found incredibly boring. The way he had developed a twitch that only happened when he made a mistake, Remus didn't like to think about that one. And how his smile would light up his face and cause the boy to look something out of a magazine.
Every time he noticed something incredibly fascinating about the other boy he felt a tight wrenching at his heart. He knew how horrible it was that he was feeling this. It wasn't fair to his friend. He had a soulmate, his own that he would eventually meet and spend his life with. It wasn't fair of Remus to feel this pull towards him. But there was no stopping it, he had tried unsuccessfully many times before.
The first time he can remember feeling the deep warmth in his chest he's become so accustomed to was in first year when Sirius and James had been caught pulling off a rather risky prank by Mcgonagall and Remus had swooped in to use his good points with the woman and get them off with a warning. James had clapped him on the back, Peter had looked at him with a dropped jaw, Sirius had gifted him with his angelic smile and Remus had felt his heart skip.
The next time was in second when, after the lies began running thin and Remus was losing track of them, the other three had cornered him and asked the question that made Remus’ heart stop. He wasn't stupid and he knew that they weren't, they were suspicious he knew that and he knew eventually they would figure it out, clever as they were. He was so certain that the moment he confirmed their beliefs they would scowl at him and run to Dumbledore asking him to place Remus in a dorm far away from them. They did no such thing, instead they had pulled him into a pile hug. James had exclaimed a ‘why didn't you tell us mate?’ And Sirius had met his eyes. He had flashed his breathtaking smile once again before quietly saying, ‘You know we'll always love you Re,’ Remus had to wipe away a few tears at that. His biggest fears hadn't been realized and he can't remember ever being happier than that moment.
“You okay, moons?” Remus jolts up at the sound of his friend's voice. He glances down to realize he had been staring at the same page of his textbook for however long now. He turns to meet Sirius’ eyes, the soft grey were filled with concern.
“M’ fine, just tired I suppose,” Remus sighs out an answer. Sirius gives him a wary look but turned back to his own book and noticeably begins procrastinating once more.
---
Sirius found he wasn't much in the mood for lunch when the time had come around. Instead he had thrown on a cloak and slipped out the front doors of the school.
He had made a few rounds, enjoying the fresh Scottish air but he soon had gotten winded and decided to find the path down to the lake to sit by the shore.
He often didn't take enough time to observe the Hogwarts grounds, he realizes, as they were quite breathtaking. The soft trees and thick grasses lined with glowing plants that Sirius often saw Hagrid tending to during the spring months.
Sirius sighs and rests his chin on his knees that were bent up snug against his chest. Though the view was quite magnificent he couldn't seem to pull himself out of the heavy feeling that seemed to fold over him. The weight of the world seemed to find it amusing to hit him at the most unusual moments. One second he can be joking along with his mates and the next he feels the familiar hollow pain in his chest. He can't remember a time when this didn't happen if he's honest with himself. He had a slim hope built up that once he left that house of his parents the feeling would frain to show but even after showing up on the Potter’s doorstep a year ago it's only seemed more frequent.
Just as his eyes begin dulling on the pale water and his body falls into a soft calm he hears the rustling of fallen brush at his back.
Sirius jolts up and glances behind him only to relax moments later when the familiar lanky frame of his best friend moved into view.
“You weren't at lunch,” Remus stated once he's settled by Sirius’ side.
“Wasn't hungry,” He replies casually. Remus sighs and turns to his friend with a brow raised under his curls.
“You okay?” He asks lowly. Sirius huffs and rolls his eyes a bit.
“Why wouldn't I be?” He questions back causing Remus to pin him with a look that says he's not fooled. Sirius let out a deep sigh before tentatively speaking the words that have been caught on his tongue for months. “It's just… do you ever worry about this whole soulmate thing? Like that maybe some people just don't have one, you know?...I guess what I mean is… do you ever wonder if you're just destined to be alone?” When he hears no response he glances up to find his friend giving him a strange look. Sirius nearly wishes he hadn't spoken when Remus opens his mouth.
“Why would you not have one?” He says in a manner that leads Sirius to believe he's genuinely confused. The man shrugs in response before Remus continues, his words seem laced with something Sirius can hear is close to anger. “Why would you not have a soulmate, Sirius? You're… you are such a good person pads, you are. You're funny and brilliant and your stupid smile is practically angelic! I mean…if you don't have a soulmate than… than what hope does that give people like me,” Remus’ words fade near the end but leave Sirius in a stupor anyway.
The tawny boy drops his eyes to his lap and begins picking at a scar that dips into his thumb. Sirius’ moves before he can even think. He pulls himself closer to his friend who's pointedly avoiding his gaze.
“No… Moons,” He starts causing the other boy to meet his eyes, the deep grey are filled with an emotion he can't quite decipher. “You're so much better than that, so much. You're amazing and kind and bloody brilliant and some day somebody is going to be fucking lucky to have you as their soulmate,” Sirius is hardly able to finish his sentence before soft lips envelope his own.
He gasps slightly before his eyes flutter closed and he pulls the other boy in to press himself closer. Remus lips are just how Sirius had always envisioned, rough and chapped but tender and sweet. He runs his tongue between them and Remus parts them, allowing access. His mouth tastes sweet like chocolate mingling with bitter peppermint tea and Sirius could taste it forever. He doesn't get to though as what feels like hours later Remus is pulling away.
Sirius opens his eyes to meet the widened amber ones of his friend’s. He's shaking his head slightly and Sirius reaches out to him, pressing his hand against the man’s arm.
“I'm sorry,” Remus whispers softly. Sirius’s eyebrows knit together and he moves to lean on his knees if front of the boy.
“Why?” He asks gently, his lips still swollen and soft.
“It's not fair to who you're supposed to be with… It's just… not fair,” Remus says softly with guilt deep in his words. Sirius is shaking his head before the man could finish.
“But I don't care, I want to be with you, Re,” He assures him. He reaches out to hold him in place, his hands take the boy’s wrists tight. “Moons,” He starts and Remus meets his eyes again. “I want to be with you,” He affirms fiercely. Remus looks unsure still so Sirius leans in slowly.
He breathes deeply, inhaling Remus’ soft scent before pressing his lips gently to the other boy's. As soon as they touch they both gasp and pull away.
An electric feeling seems to wind up their arms and through the rest of their body leaving them breathless. Sirius timidly looks at Remus with wide eyes before reaching down to yank up the sleeve of his cloak.
The soft skin of his wrist is moving, a small green leaf twists up from the thin ring that he had become so used to. He blinks a few times, still not sure that this all isn't just his imagination but when his eyes land on the mark again he sees the bright ink still there. He swallows thickly before slowly moving his gaze to Remus whose expression mirrors his own.
The boy timidly pulls up his own sleeve only to find a twisting vine pulling out of the small line sketched on his scarred wrist. He stares at it for a moment, in shock and disbelief.
Remus can't seem to work it out in his head. That he had just kissed this beautiful man, his best friend in the whole world, and right after his mark grew. He knew what it meant, Sirius was meant to be with him which couldn't be. It had to be some sick joke somehow, a prank or the wrath of the gods. There was no way that that man, that amazing man was meant to be stuck with someone like him for his life. It wasn't fair. Sirius deserves better.
“Moony?” Remus looks up at his friend's timid voice. “Are you upset?” He asks lightly. Remus didn't know how to respond, he wasn't upset at Sirius, it wasn't his fault. Sirius looks to his lap when the man fails to answer.
“I'm sorry,” He starts and Remus brows furrow in confusion at why the boy would be sorry, “...I know I'm not always easy to get on with. I don't think enough before I say things and I think too much about stupid things. I'm a bit selfish and I've got a hell of a lot of baggage, but… I love you, Remus. I can't even begin to imagine where I'd be without you but… but I understand if you don't want me…”
Remus shook his head in disbelief. He could hear unshed tears in Sirius’ words and Remus reaches out. He slips his palm against the boy’s soft cheek and tips his face up to look into his stormy eyes.
“I love you too, I do, and I would never imagine being with anyone else, I never have,” Remus said softly causing Sirius to pull his own hand up and find its way into Remus’ curls. Their lips meet once again and Remus lets out a soft breath. He can't remember being happier than in that moment.