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Clarke has never been one to allow herself to feel any emotions of sadness or despair, especially not in public. She could be at the hands of an assassin, and the girl would still remain un-phased. She could lose the green-eyed girl who she felt was the last piece in her puzzle, and yet her tears would remain unshed until she was alone.
When she did lose Lexa, she was alone for days on end because there was no way she could hide her tears from anyone for long.
No one saw it coming. She was simply here one minute and gone the next. Out of reach from the physical world and now a part of the spiritual world. At least that’s what Clarke has had to make herself believe. There was no way the only person she grew to love with no barriers was gone.
I can’t come alive. I want the room to take me under.
So Clarke shut herself in her room of the three bedroom apartment in an attempt to grieve. A god damn good attempt if you ask Clarke, because there was no way to stop the sobs from racking her body. She laid in bed for days only leaving the room to eat when her roommates were not around (and to shower of course). She would lay on her side of the bed, careful as to not touch the other side. When the night appeared, she would feel her muscles tense. Her body ready to release the agonizing pain of grief it held in during the day. Only at night did Clarke allow for herself to give in to her pain of sadness and despair because the girl she loved was gone. Each night, Clarke would wait till she heard Raven and Octavia close the doors to their respective rooms.
I lay in bed. Can’t seem to leave your side. Your pillow’s wet from all these tears I’ve cried.
Slowly, as the doors shut, Clarke would roll over to the other side of the bed. Her side. Then, she would wait exactly fourteen minutes (Lexa’s favorite number) to let the sobs that she held in all day unravel from her body. Raven and Octavia heard every sob of pain every night, but they would never tell Clarke, for her own sake.
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I tried to smile today. Then I realized there’s no point anyway.
Raven eventually coerced the blonde out of the apartment. Clarke felt guilty. Raven did little things that helped Clarke through this time. She would leave food for Clarke to eat when she and Octavia left, knowing that was the only time she would come out. She left notes on Clarke’s door to tell her when she was doing laundry so she could wash the blonde’s clothes, too. So when Raven cautiously asked her if she wanted to go out for a quick breakfast bite, she let on a small smile with a soft nod. Clarke figured that she owed it to the doe-eyed girl to at least go out to breakfast with her. It would maybe help clear her mind, until it didn’t.
There was only one single thing Clarke resented from Lexa’s passing (apart from the actual fact of Lexa being gone) more than people saying how sorry they were. There was the idiotic question that was asked from time to time that made Clarke explode every time it was asked. Every single damn time.
“Oh honey, I am so sorry about your loss. I can’t imagine what it must be like. I haven’t heard anything about how she left this world. Tell me, how did she pass?” That was the last time anyone asked anything related to Lexa’s passing. To Clarke, Lexa’s last moments were something that she stored away in her memory for herself. No one needed to know any of the details surrounding those moments. So rage tended to overcome her body when asked this one specific question.
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I won’t say goodbye.
Clarke raced home back to the security offered by her four walls. Rage and fear filled every fiber of her being. She was angry that the one person she thought was her forever was taken from her hands. She held fear in her mind and heart because she was afraid to live a life without Lexa. Lexa had become her home, and now all she had were these damned four walls. She couldn’t stand to be forced to say goodbye to her home.
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I’ve called a thousand times. If I hear your voice I’ll be fine.
Clarke called Lexa’s phone that was sitting in her bedside drawer turned off. The sound of Lexa’s voice quickly filled her ears. The voicemail played and played and played into Clarke’s ear as she continued to push the redial button. Hoping that maybe she could mend a piece of herself by hearing the brunette’s voice. Instead on one of the redials, Clarke remembered the moment things changed between the pair.
The sky-blue eyed blonde certainly never expected to find herself in the position where she was the only one clueless to her feelings toward Lexa. She swore relentlessly to her mom and friends that Lexa was just an acquaintance from work. She needed Lexa in order for her clinic to thrive. Lexa was the key to financing her clinic and keep it from closing. Of course the blonde knew Lexa was a beautiful woman, but she never thought to pay full attention to her lingering thoughts about her throughout the day.
Work meetings between the two tended to involve a lot of tension and arguing, but they always accomplished their necessary agenda. Clarke’s clinic slowly started to thrive with Lexa’s involvement. With stability in the clinic, frequent work meetings to fix a broken place turned into dinner meetings every few weeks to assess progress. The brunette with the forest green eyes had no intentions of ever falling for Clarke the way she did. Fast and hard. Love, after all, was weakness. Lexa full heartedly believed that and so she strayed away from love for years after she lost her parents. The last thing she expected was for a business partner to steal her heart after a few meetings.
Soon enough, Lexa found herself at a dinner meeting with Clarke where she let her heart speak before her mind could. Table fourteen. The whole dinner Lexa’s eyes would follow Clarke’s every move. Green eyes followed blue eyes in every movement as they scanned the restaurant throughout the meeting. They had gotten through with their meal, and Clarke had asked their waitress for the check. Lexa’s heart knew it was now or never.
“Clarke, I – I wanted to ask you something before we left.”
Blue eyes looked up to meet clouded green eyes.
“Oh, did we forget to cover something? I’m sorry. Let me look really quickly through the files to—,” Clarke quickly spoke as her hands frantically reached for the folders off to the side of the table.
“No no, Clarke. Listen.”
“I’m sorry, Lexa. I know your time is limited, and I should have been more prepared. I promise—“
“Promise me one thing.” The brunette slowly breathed out.
Clarke nodded expectantly ready to promise anything, so she could fix her mistake.
“Let me take you to dinner.”
“Lexa…. We are at dinner.”
The brunette huffed out in frustration at the misunderstanding. “No, Clarke. I mean let me take you to dinner. A proper dinner. A dinner where I can get to know Clarke. Not Clarke Griffin of the Arkadia Clinic, but Clarke. A date, if you will.”
Clarke sat dumbfounded and frozen in her chair. The waitress came around to their table and placed their check on the table, looking expectantly with a head tilt at the pair. “Is there anything else I can do for you, Ms. Woods and Ms. Griffin?” Clarke looked to the waitress and could not force words out of her mouth. Lexa took the reins after realizing Clarke wasn’t going to speak soon.
“No, that is all for tonight. Thank you, Alie.” Lexa looked back at Clarke surprised to see the blonde staring at her like she was a new galaxy just being discovered.
Eyebrows creased together in thought for a few seconds that felt like an infinity. The infinity of seconds were broken when Clarke spoke, “Really?” Lexa nodded and stared awaited a response from Clarke. The corners of Clarke’s mouth twitched slightly before turning up in a smile. “I’ll take you up on that dinner date then, Lexa. On one condition.”
“What is your condition, Clarke?”
“Our dinner date has to be at the diner across from the clinic, and we have to go in lounging clothes.” The blonde held nothing but an attempt at seriousness in her features as she presented her condition (which of course Lexa found endearing but she wouldn’t admit that to anyone).
“That is two conditions, Clarke. Two conditions that I will be more than happy to oblige to.” Now it was time for the corners of Lexa’s mouth to turn into a smile. Clarke dropped her scowl as she realized that this was the first time she had seen Lexa’s features soften from her stoic façade.
That was the beginning of an acquaintance becoming an important part of Clarke’s life. More importantly, that was the beginning of a Friday night tradition at the diner for the pair.
Clarke redialed the number, again. She allowed herself to fully listen this time.
“Hello, it’s Lexa. Sorry I could not answer call at the moment. If you leave a message, I will be sure to get back to you…… If this is Clarke, I still stand by my fealty to you and I will call you back first above everyone else.” The voicemail ended and Clarke quickly hung up remembering another special moment between them.
Clarke grew to learn that the stoic business woman she first met was not the only side of Lexa there was. In the midst of a hectic week at the clinic, Clarke found herself stressed and frustrated every night. She distanced herself from Lexa not wanting to put any stress on her because of her clinic matters. It was her clinic, her responsibility. So she pushed Lexa away, and Lexa drew herself in closer. There was a night that week when it was just her and Lexa in the apartment. Lexa found out through Octavia that Clarke was stressed out because of the clinic and possibly having to terminate some of the nurses. The green eyed girl took it upon herself to make dinner for Clarke and set out candles to help ease her mood.
Clarke entered the door and let out a heavy sigh. Rubbing her temples and closing her eyes she plopped down at the dinner table, only to open her eyes and be dumbfounded. Clarke took in her surroundings for the first time since she stepped into the apartment. Fourteen candles lit around her on the counters and dinner served for her. Lexa appeared from the kitchen to see Clarke in shock.
“Lex, I- can’t- this- THANK YOU.” The blonde rushed to hug the brunette and laid a lingering kiss on her lips. Lexa pulled back from the hug only to get down on both knees. Clarke looked down at her with confusion laced in her creased eyebrows.
“Lexa, what are you doing?”
“I swear fealty to you, Clarke. I vow to treat your needs as my own.” Lexa looked up at Clarke with nothing but adoration and love. Clarke reached a hand out to help Lexa up.
“That was sweet, nerd. But what is this all about?”
“Octavia told me why you’ve been so distant from me. Clarke, you know I love you. There is no need to feel like you’d be putting stress on me because of your work. I chose to take you on as a partner and that means all of you. If you’re stressed out about something, I want to help you. Don’t pull away from me in those instances, pull me closer.”
“I love you, Lexa. I swear my fealty to you, too. Now and until our final journey.”
Clarke brought herself back to reality. Now and until our final journey. Only there was no “now” left in them. Lexa’s final journey had come too quickly. She dialed the number one last time and awaited the tone.
“I love you, Lexa. I swear fealty to you, now and forever. May we meet again.” Clarke hoped they would meet in another time again. In a time where death did not await either of them too soon.