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“There’s someone I’ve liked for a long time.”
“What?? Who??”
You. That would have been the logical answer, in all idol fan call handbooks. Of course it’s you (read display name) . “Junkyu.” Jihoon’s own heart skipped a beat, then dropped nauseatingly into his stomach as the fateful name slipped over his lips. As if it was impossible for his mouth to say anything else, for his brain to bring the illusion to a finish. He sort of saved the situation by playing it as a joke, a gotcha moment that made his fan giggle when he said “But you even more!” with a hopefully convincing cute smile. His prankster reputation saved the day.
It was the second last call he had that day before their schedule finished. Somehow Junkyu still had more to go, maybe some technical issue with the app they used for this fan call. So Jihoon had the relief of leaving the room first and not having to immediately face Junkyu, to pretend that nothing at all out of the ordinary had happened. That it was just another day in their overly busy schedule leading up to their next comeback.
It must be the exhaustion, he decided as he took a fresh water bottle from one of their managers with a thankful nod and smile. Anyone’s tongue could slip with the lack of sleep he had been battering the last three days. He just needed some rest and his composure would be back, good as new. He’d been dealing with this ridiculous crush for years. He’d just continue to handle it as he had done in the past. No reason to worry. Somehow, his heart that was still pressing down on the pit of his stomach didn’t seem very convinced.
Going out for dinner with Doyoung, Haruto and Jeongwoo helped take his mind off the issue and miraculously he had forgotten about it when he returned to his hotel room shortly before midnight.
That was until he checked fan comments on weverse and saw screenshots of the fan call, full with captions and cute shocked reactions. Of course this would have been posted. He remembered when he learned in a TV program that Japan teumes loved the chemistry between him and Junkyu the most. They must be falling all over themselves because of this video. He wished he could just laugh it off, has he had done many times in the past, but this… this was different. It hadn’t been intentional. Not even a trace of a joke. Junkyu’s name had come from the bottom of his heart, had been the only thing on his mind after saying that sentence. There’s someone I’ve liked for a long time. How long had it even been? Probably the first year of him joining YG. Sooner. The first six months. First two months?
Jihoon groaned as the hot water of the shower ran down his neck and shoulders. He couldn’t even begin to try and count how many times he had wondered about it. Still he didn’t know the exact moment when he started to fall for Junkyu. Whenever he tried to think about it, it didn’t make any sense to him. Junkyu hadn’t been friendly to him. Much later he found out that Junkyu had thought he was younger and was pissed that he addressed him informally. Somehow he had held the grudge even after finding out soon enough that they were indeed born in the same year. What a silly grudge to hold. Almost as silly as the crush he had on Junkyu.
It took him entirely too long - namely drying his hair, brushing his teeth, finishing his skincare routine and lying down in bed - to realize that Junkyu would probably have seen the video by now as well. His heart sank back to his stomach - lower, if that was even possible. Jihoon closed his eyes and dropped his phone to his side on the mattress, his whole body feeling leaden at the thought. Would he mention it to him? Would he find it funny? Annoying?
Would he take it seriously?
Jihoon’s eyes snapped open and he sat upright in his bed with a start. No. He couldn’t. Not possibly, never. It was ridiculous. There was no way in hell Jihoon could possibly have a crush on Junkyu. Obviously not. Jihoon himself knew it was ridiculous, impossible. So of course, Junkyu would never consider the possibility that he hadn’t been joking.
But Junkyu knew him. Too well. He could read in his face that it hadn’t been a joke. Not fake. His face said it all, the utter lack of mischief, the seriousness.
Well… sarcasm. If it came down to it, that would be his excuse. He had deadpanned it. Had forced his face into such seriousness because otherwise he couldn’t possibly have said it without snorting with laughter. Because how… how would he have a crush on Junkyu? No way in hell.
Right… right.
But Junkyu would think it was a joke, anyway. So no need to even worry.
Again, his heart wasn’t convinced at all.
Junkyu didn’t greet him the next morning when they got on the van together to the airport. Jihoon had practiced greeting him, ridiculous as it was. But his whole existence had become a joke, so of course he would only do ridiculous things from here on. Like practicing saying good morning to his best friend and crush for years. As if he hadn’t done this almost daily for over seven years. He thought he managed to sound normal when he greeted him, despite his heart beating faster and louder than Junkyu’s recent favorite EDM song.
He got no reaction.
Well then. Junkyu must be sleepy. He was hugging his pillow like a koala hugged his mom, like his life depended on holding it close. Bedded his head on it, face tilted the opposite direction. Away from Jihoon.
Well then. All the better that Jihoon didn’t have to face him.
But oh how he wished he could glance at his face and look for hints. Had he seen the video? What did he think about it? Did he even think anything at all? Had he maybe just scrolled past it after realizing that it wasn’t him in the video, so there was nothing to monitor at all?
They didn’t speak on the way to the airport. Or in the airport. Nor did they interact on the flight. Junkyu sat next to Hyunsuk, Jihoon next to Doyoung. All members crashed out on the flight, getting some extra hours of sleep, no matter how short the flight from Japan was. Jihoon tried, he really did. But despite his eyes being shut the whole while, his body as relaxed as could be on a plane, he didn’t get a moment of rest. His mind kept racing, racing around the same topic.
He should just let it go. It probably didn’t matter at all to Junkyu. Why should it? Similar things had happened in the past and Junkyu had never seemed bothered. Sure, he had bickered about it on a few occasions, but all just in good spirit, laughing about Jihoon’s antics.
Yes, his antics. This wasn’t any different. It had just been a while… and honestly, Jihoon was the only one who knew that it hadn’t been a joke or a bit to tease his fan.
The vans dropped them off at the company. There was still so much to do in preparation for their comeback. They had a fitting today for outfits planned for one of the music shows, then rehearsal for the choreography of a b-side track they would include at their upcoming tour. He had some faint memory of a meeting regarding a video shoot for the tour opening, too. Was that today? He had no clue.
It was about an hour later that Jihoon realized something was wrong.
Without having planned for it, as he might have done any other time, he ended up in the fitting room with Junkyu. Junkyu was struggling with the buckle of his belt and Jihoon, without thinking about it at all, turned and reached out to help him close it. But Junkyu took a step back to avoid him, his face shutting, void of emotion. Gone was his pout of concentration, his frown. There wasn’t even annoyance, just… emptiness. Jihoon felt his heart go cold. “Um… everything okay?”
Junkyu closed the buckle and looked up at him, gaze cool. As if he was fighting to keep some kind of emotion out of his eyes. Jihoon was dying to know what it was, despite being scared of it. Then he shrugged. Then nodded. Frowned, and finally looked away again. He took his jacket off the clothes rack.
“Tell me, Kyu.”
Junkyu stopped, shoulders and back straightening. His voice was low, somewhat distant, when he finally spoke up. “Is it just a joke to you?”
Jihoon froze. “What?” It came out breathless despite him trying so hard to regulate his breathing.
Junkyu turned to face him again. “What you said. In that video. Is it just a joke?” His words were clipped, his voice strained.
“I don’t know what you-”
“Saying that you like me. Is that just a joke to you?”
Jihoon gulped, his throat so dry the motion hurt. “I’m sorry-”
“I’m not asking for an apology.”
“Then what-”
“I am asking you to answer the question.” A line formed between Junkyu’s eyebrows, his gaze turning sharper. Jihoon was reminded how he used to find him intimidating when they just started training together.
“I didn’t say it to upset you, Kyu.”
“Then why did you say it?”
His hands started to get sweaty. “I don’t know…”
“You don’t know.” A trace of exasperation in Junkyu’s voice was the only emotion he could detect.
Jihoon didn’t even dare to look into his eyes anymore. If there ever was a moment he wanted a hole to open up in the ground and jump into it, this was it. “It just… came out.”
A sigh. From the corner of his eyes, he could see Junkyu raise his hand to his forehead, rubbing the skin there once before brushing his hair back. He knew if he looked up the motion would cause his ridiculous heart to skip a beat. “I just don’t get why you would say that… in a fan call.” Another sigh, longer this time. “Whatever. Forget it. Just another in the long list of jokes.”
Jihoon blinked and looked up. He didn’t like the resignation in Junkyu’s voice. “What do you mean?” The words sounded much sharper than he had intended them to.
Junkyu shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”
That was it, an opening, the chance for a way out, to avoid this dreaded conversation. Jihoon knew that he should take it, if he was wise at all. But he had just established for himself that he was ridiculous, and ridiculous people were rarely wise, if ever. And he wouldn’t take a way out if it meant that Junkyu continued to be salty about it… or worse, hurt. So he threw caution to the wind and let the chance go. “No, it upsets you. Of course it matters, Junkyu.”
Junkyu’s frown deepened. “I just… I don’t like it when you joke about stuff like this.”
Jihoon filed that information away as interesting, something to dissect to all infinity later, when he was alone. “Why.” His voice sounded hoarse, throat still dry despite trying to swallow repeatedly over their short conversation.
Something akin to anger flared in Junkyu’s eyes as he looked up, meeting his gaze defiantly. “Because it’s not funny to me.”
No, it wasn’t funny. Not to Jihoon, either. None of the “jokes” he had made about him and Junkyu had ever been funny. They had been slips of the tongue, disguised as teasing fans, as teasing Junkyu, as being cute for the camera. Jihoon just managed to nod dumbly. What could he say, really? So he just repeated: “I’m sorry. It just came out, not as… I didn’t mean to joke.”
Junkyu’s eyes narrowed slightly. “If it’s not a joke, then stop being a coward who only talks to others about it.”
Jihoon blinked, once, lips parted without any sound coming over them. What? He blinked again when Junkyu turned, shrugged on his jacket and checked the fit in the mirror, giving a small approving nod before taking it off again and hanging it back on the clothes rack.
Right. The fitting.
He went through the motions mindlessly. Take off his shirt, put on the stage outfit. Turn to the other mirror in the room, rotate his shoulders. Lift his arms to check if it was loose enough to dance without restriction. Take it off again. Hang it back neatly. Put his own clothes back on. The whole time, his head was buzzing, mind ringing with the words Junkyu had thrown at him. Coward. Stop being a coward.
What did he want him to do? What did he want him to say? Did he really want to… No. He couldn’t possibly want to hear it all. Not from him, not to his face. Never.
Junkyu was finished putting his hoodie back on. Thank god for it, because Jihoon couldn’t escape the look of him undressing and dressing with all those damned mirrors in this small space. He ran a hand through his messy hair, bringing it back in order simple as that. His stupid perfect hair.
“Junkyu.” His voice was low, almost menacing. It tended to sound that way when he was trying to ready himself to say things he didn’t really want to say, things he didn’t have the guts to say out loud. There weren’t many things like that at all, and it really had been a while since this particular voice had made an appearance.
Junkyu’s voice, in turn, sounded light, almost careless. “Shall we go?”
“Wait.”
Junkyu turned around, head slightly tilting to the right as he took in Jihoon’s dead serious expression. He could see that broad chest expand under a long, deep breath, as if he was trying to steady himself, but for what and why, he couldn’t possibly say. He usually admired Junkyu for having gotten so expertly good at suppressing his nervousness, but right in that moment, he hated it.
Jihoon closed his eyes and took a deep breath himself before looking back at Junkyu, eyes narrowed. “If you make me do this only to end up making fun of me for it, I will never forgive you.”
Junkyu blinked and frowned slightly.
“I mean it, Kyu. Never .”
A small nod.
Jihoon had the unmistakable feeling that he would regret this moment. He would hate himself for doing it, he would think about it day and night. He would lose sleep over it. He would ask himself why he had done it, beg the heavens to let him go back and undo it, make it all unsaid and undone. But he was here now, and Junkyu had told him to stop being a coward.
So he would stop being a fucking coward.
“There’s someone I have liked for a long time, Junkyu.”
The ghost of a smile fluttered over Junkyu’s beautiful face, and his stupid heart beat like a bass drum in his chest. “Really? Who?”
A corner of Jihoon’s mind wanted to tease Junkyu for not using the exact words the teume had used in that fan call, but he shut it down. He knew his voice would tremble, would probably be barely more than a whisper, because deep down, he was indeed a coward and it took everything in him not to back down, to balk and run out of the fitting room, hide away from Junkyu for the rest of the day, week, month. So if he managed to gather up all his courage, what did it matter if his voice sounded as ridiculous as his whole existence felt?
“You.”
Junkyu blinked a few times, then cast his gaze down, and blushed. The smile that bloomed over his face a heartbeat later was the most beautiful thing Jihoon had seen in his whole life.
He knew that he must be dreaming then. This couldn’t possibly be Junkyu’s reaction. There was no way. Not Junkyu, who was his number one partner in crime, as much prankster as he was himself though he would refuse to admit it. Junkyu, who he remembered talking about marriage with five years ago, the family life he wanted for himself sometime in the far future. Junkyu, who everyone swooned over but who never returned anyone’s flirting, who never blushed unless… unless Jihoon teased him. Junkyu who had never liked any of Jihoon’s lovers, despite pretending not to care much about them at all. Junkyu who had never taken revenge on Jihoon’s pretend-jokes about him liking Junkyu, being territorial about Junkyu. Junkyu, who had stopped sharing the shower room with him four years ago, always finding some reason to shower later.
“Say something.”
Junkyu snorted mildly, crossing his arms loosely over his chest, yet that smile was still there, so soft, so vulnerable. “What should I say.”
“I don’t know. I can’t be the only one who stops being a coward, Kyu, give me something!” He had no idea what he was saying. That smile? It was everything. More. That one sentence - two, technically - said by Jihoon of all people could make him smile like that… he had never thought it possible. He had dreamed of it, when he dared, but even then it hadn’t been so… life changing.
Junkyu gave him a long look, holding his gaze for what felt like the longest time and yet no more than the blink of an eye. His eyes were thoughtful, searching, as if he was trying to decide something. He was just one step far away enough for Jihoon to see his blush deepen as he stepped closer, closer… when he leaned in, he thought his heart would jump out of his chest, only to go completely still when soft lips brushed his cheek, so close to the corner of his mouth that his own lips parted involuntarily under a trembling breath. He could feel Junkyu’s fingertips caress the skin at the side of his neck, causing a shiver to run down to his shoulder.
Junkyu didn’t step back immediately, as he thought he would. It took him a second to realize that it probably was because Jihoon had grabbed onto his elbow, keeping him there. There was no tension in that arm, and even as he briefly let go, Junkyu didn’t lift his hand from his neck. Instead he let it slide over his skin, to his nape, and when Jihoon moved his hand to his waist, then to the small of his back, Junkyu stepped even closer, sliding his arms around his neck, relaxing completely in his hold. While Jihoon was all tension, his arms wrapping around Junkyu’s back to hold him close, hold him tight. He could still feel the touch of Junkyu’s lips on his skin. Not a dream. He had never felt it so real in his dreams, never smelled Junkyu’s scent so distinctly as now, head instinctively tilted down and to the side, nose brushing against his strong, slender neck. There was a faint echo to his own heartbeat coming from inside Junkyu’s chest that was pressed against his own. Real. This was actually real. Junkyu let out a sigh, warm breath caressing the skin of Jihoon’s neck. “You still haven’t said anything, Kyu.”
Junkyu’s chest vibrated under a soft chuckle, then he took a step back, forcing Jihoon to loosen his hold unless he wanted to seem like a lunatic. Junkyu didn’t meet his eyes, a mild trace of a blush still lingering high on his cheeks, alongside that soft, pretty smile. Jihoon thought he could happily die for this smile.
Junkyu turned away and reached for the door handle and Jihoon thought he would leave him wordlessly after all, but then he cast him a quick, furtive gaze. “Come see me tonight and I’ll tell you whatever you want.” A moment later he was out of the door.
Jihoon’s mouth dropped open and he gaped after Junkyu, mind going in one single direction that had his breathing go quick and shallow, body heating up. He was finally able to force down a gulp that didn’t hurt his throat. After a few seconds of staring after Junkyu, he pushed the door shut and leaned against it, raking his hands through his hair.
What. Had. Just. Happened.
Come see me tonight. Tonight! His heart was racing and he had to remind himself to breathe deeply to try and calm himself down. Junkyu was… he hadn’t… he didn’t…
He hadn’t made fun of him. Not one bit. He hadn’t joked, hadn’t led him into some sort of trap to laugh at him for it later. He had been so sure that it would happen just like that. That he would make the biggest mistake of his life, ruin everything between them, cause the most epic awkwardness to ever exist between two friends.
And yet.
Junkyu had smiled, the most beautiful smile he had ever seen on him. He had blushed . He had kissed him. On the cheek, well, but still… and he wanted him to go see him tonight. To tell him how he felt… possibly. Tell him anything he wanted him to. Jihoon let his head drop back against the door with a thud, eyes shut and a stupid, dreamy smile on his lips. He was pretty sure that smile would stay plastered on his face for the rest of the day. The members, their managers, YSL hyung… they would definitely ask him what was up. He had no idea what he should tell them. Probably nothing. Junkyu would probably kill him with his glare for giving it all away, because Junkyu with his perfect poker face probably wouldn’t let anything show.
Maybe he would crack that poker face again tonight. Whatever it was that would happen tonight… deep breathing, he reminded himself. Don’t get carried away. And no more jokes. Maybe… just maybe… he actually had a chance to change things between them, to make Junkyu see him the same way he saw Junkyu. However exactly Junkyu already saw him now already.
Maybe this could be the best thing to ever happen to him.