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Hyunjin felt like crying.
He could feel the burn of tears in the back of his throat and his lips pushing into a heavy pout. His hands shook a little as he pushed his hair away from his forehead. Each breath he took was shallow and shaky.
All around him, the members stared in worry, frowns crinkling their foreheads. Changbin was tapping his fingers on his crossed arms, and Seungmin had that blank gaze he always did when times got rough.
The one exception to the circle of worry around him was Felix.
"Hyunjin, you can't just say stuff like that! Especially in public," Felix was pacing, agitation coloring his voice.
"I didn't mean to... it just came out..." his voice was weak as he tried to defend himself, but he knew what he had done was wrong.
"You literally said 'I already like someone else'. And you looked at me immediately after! That's the worst part!"
"I panicked, okay?"
"Okay, that's enough," Chan must have been done with the borderline childish blame game they were playing. He wrapped an arm around Felix's slim shoulders. Just the visible sign of his leader supporting the other was another stab in the gut to Hyunjin.
The other members seemed relieved the fight might be over, all of them slowly relaxing their stance. Chan led Felix away, probably to his room.
Changbin took a seat next to Hyunjin and laid a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"Hyunjin-ah, why would you respond like that? Aren't you used to people hitting on you all the time?" Changbin asked in a gentle, teasing way.
"Hyung! I can't believe you would ask that! I didn't mean to, but... I was thinking about him... so it just came out..." he tried to explain where his brain had been.
They had all been hanging out, getting some late-night food, when a girl had approached him out of the blue. Usually, it was a fan so Hyunjin could handle it in his sleep, but this time it had been just someone asking for his number, miraculously not recognising him.
He was, surprisingly, not used to talking to people who didn't know who he was. It was understandable, then, why he didn't know how to let her down without saying he liked a certain someone. Especially when he had spent the whole night staring at Felix right before.
But Felix was always on his mind nowadays. He didn't know how to stop thinking about him.
"Well, it's a good thing that she didn't recognise you. It's fine, I don't know why Yongbokkie got mad, usually he would be more chill about mistakes this small," Changbin continued.
"I know why."
"What? Why is he mad then?" Changbin asked, looking at him with furrowed brows.
"He's not happy that I implied I like him," Hyunjin felt despondent just thinking about the reason why that would make Felix mad. Isn't it a confirmation that Felix doesn't like him back and instead finds his feelings a burden?
"Uh... " Changbin clearly had no idea what to say to that. Even he, with all his conflict resolution experience in the group, looked a little out of his depth.
Hyunjin could feel tears threatening to fall. Before he could embarrass himself even more, he got up. He wanted to be alone so that he could cry to his heart's content.
"It's fine," he said firmly, rushing to his room.
In the morning, Hyunjin could barely open his puffy eyes. He had spent the whole night crying into his pillow, trying desperately to make himself feel better with some music. When that failed, he gave in to his emotions, just thinking over and over how unfair and painful this situation was.
None of this seemed to have purged the dark feelings; he had just succeeded in making himself feel worse. The worst part was that he still liked Felix and couldn't even bring himself to try to stop it. It felt like a betrayal thinking that way.
"Hyunjin! We're leaving for the studio," came Han's voice through the door.
"Okay," Hyunjin mumbled into his pillow, not caring if they heard him or not.
He had a dance practice later, but other than that, it was a free day. He didn't feel like doing anything, content to wallow in his feelings and cry to sad Korean dramas.
His blackout curtains were drawn, enclosing the room in complete darkness. It was nice and cool with the air-conditioning running, making him sleepy.
Before he could fall back asleep, his phone started vibrating on his bedside table. Grabbing it from the charging port, he swiped to answer after checking that it was just I.N.
"Hyung, want to get breakfast?" came I.N.'s pure voice, managing to lift Hyunjin's low spirits.
"Ahhh... I just woke up, give me some time to get ready..." he said, unable to deny the precious maknae anything.
"Sure, I'll come over in half an hour."
Hanging up the phone, he dropped his phone on the bed and dragged himself upright. He pushed off his fluffy comforter, sinking his sock-covered foot into the plush carpeted floor.
Getting ready was torture, but somehow he had thrown some clothes and a cap on before I.N. came.
As he left the dorm, he glanced around the living room where the fight had happened. Felix's upset voice echoed in his ear. Before the harsh memories could drown him, he blindly followed I.N. out the door.
The cafe I.N. had chosen for breakfast was bright. It had cheerful, yellow tiles and sunflower decor everywhere. The wooden chairs and tables were a pretty brown, making the atmosphere homey and warm.
Somehow, it felt like all things Felix, his personality imbued into the very walls. Hyunjin couldn't decide if that was just his imagination, borne of love sickness and desperation. Ironically, the happy atmosphere of the cafe just brought more sad thoughts.
Once they had ordered and settled down to eat, I.N. looked right into Hyunjin's eyes, smiling reassuringly.
"Hyung, are you still upset about yesterday?" he asked gently.
"I don't want to be... but I am..."
"It's okay to be sad, Felix-hyung was pretty harsh," I.N. said, sounding much more mature than Hyunjin expected.
"I'm not sad about how harsh he was. He pretty much rejected me, didn't he?" he said, feeling a wave of despair come over him as the words came out. Just the thought of his pathetic one-sided crush was enough for tears to spring in his eyes yet again. He was sick of feeling this way, sick of his cruel thoughts.
"No, he did not. Give him some time; he must have been shocked to hear you say that. I admit, he didn't react well, but I promise that doesn't mean he rejected you." I.N. explained, looking so earnest, it was cute
Hyunjin couldn't bring himself to believe it. How could he? Wasn't I.N. saying that just to cheer up his hyung?
"I.N.-ah, you're such a good maknae!" he said with fake enthusiasm, clutching at I.N.'s arm too hard. He didn't want to spread his bad mood to everyone around him.
I.N. just sighed and turned back to his pancakes.
Hyunjin managed to avoid Felix for the rest of the week, as much as it was possible to avoid someone in the same group. He tried to talk to the others more, going out of his way to sit next to someone else whenever there was his usual open spot next to Felix.
He didn't even look at Felix, fearing what emotion he would find in his face. His imagination came up with the grimace of hatred or the blankness of indifference all by itself, without needing any confirmation.
The other members tried not to address the elephant in the room, slipping only a couple of times. They must have thought he didn't notice how awkward they were around him, but it was just another thing that hammered against his chest at night. Han was especially bad at keeping his pitying faces to himself, though they just made Hyunjin more self-conscious.
After every practice and schedule, he just ran away to hide in his room. He had become so antisocial, declining whenever anyone invited him out for food or hangouts.
He was back at the dorm after escaping again, eating some watermelon cubes peacefully on the couch, when Felix appeared right in front of him. Felix knew the door code like all the members, so he must have walked in when Hyunjin was lost in thought.
His heart started to pound as he looked up at that dear face, full of freckles that resembled the starry night sky. His hands became clammy in a second, and his mind was so blank with panic, he couldn't form a single coherent thought.
"Hyung, can I talk to you?" Felix asked.
So, he was pulling the hyung card? Of course, he would know Hyunjin couldn't resist such temptation, no matter how bad it was for his heart.
"Uh... yeah, sure." Not like he could escape anymore.
Felix sat down delicately next to him, small limbs curling up cutely. Hyunjin couldn't stop his eyes from following his every move. It was almost masochistic, for how painful it was.
"I know I was so... mean to you... last time," Felix started, wringing his hands together. His brown eyes darted to Hyunjin's face and away.
Hyunjin didn't know how to respond. Felix had been mean, but he couldn't bring himself to agree.
"I'm so sorry. I reacted really, really badly. But, if you could give me another chance..." Felix trailed off, looking uncharacteristically shy.
The room was quiet. They were alone; only the sounds of their breathing and distant traffic could be heard.
Felix's doe eyes blinked at him endearingly from across the couch. He was in an oversized hoodie, making him look smaller and cuddlier than usual. He seemed a little lost for words, biting his lip and fidgeting.
As much as he wanted to encourage him to finish his sentence, Hyunjin felt like he was in one of those dreams where he was watching his life like a spectator.
"Hyunjin-ah, I like you too. I want us to be together. You just shocked me the other day."
Hyunjin could hear the words and see Felix's lips form them. But he absolutely could not believe them.
Felix liked him?
His angel liked someone, and that someone was Hyunjin?
He stared in awe, mouth dropping open. His shaky hand came up to cover his eyes as tears started to flow in steady streams down his cheeks. His heart was pounding in elation and relief.
Felix wrapped him up in a tight hug, hands rubbing up and down his back comfortingly. He bent down to bury his wet face in Felix's neck, clutching him back with ferocity.
"I was... so sad..." Hyunjin managed to sob out, muffling it into the fabric of the hood bunched up around his neck.
"Yeah, I knew I hurt you," Felix replied, sounding a little choked up himself. "Channie-hyung gave me a talking to about it."
Hearing that lifted the weight off his heart a little; he had thought the leader was also mad at him for spilling his secret to some stranger.
"And... I'm glad that girl came up to you that day... I found out my crush likes me back, thanks to her." Felix's deep voice rumbled pleasantly through his chest. The sweet words it carried felt like a balm to his aching heart.
"Yeah... me too... even though I was regretting opening my big mouth till now..." he admits.
"Hyune, you're brave and honest. I can't fault you for that. It's our jobs... we can't say it freely yet..." Felix said, sounding resigned. They all knew what they had signed up for. The reality of it just hits hard sometimes.
"I'll be more careful," he replied, leaning back to look into Felix's eyes, making sure he knew he was serious.
"I know you will, baby."
Felix looked at him with a wide smile, eyes crinkling with the force of it. His gaze was so fond, Hyunjin could almost feel the wave of emotion flowing from him. He reached up to wipe the tears off his face, his hand as gentle as a rose petal.
Hyunjin captured his small hand against his face, cupping it softly to keep it there. He looked at the lovely features he had traced a thousand times in his head and marveled at the forever he had to imprint them into his heart.