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"WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WA-" kaoru's surprisingly loud voice from the smartphone pierced through the quietness of the bedroom, and got shut off almost immediately by chiaki. the brunette specially requested this audio from kaoru years ago, when they were still... what? around nineteen? and by some mysterious force, the usually too-lazy-to-do-anything-other-than-hanging-out-with-girls-hakaze kaoru put his whole soul into this: the layered screams, the autotune, the iconic apple ringtone in the background, etc. hell, it even lasted for two minutes straight (had he let it play to the end, the last two seconds would be a theatrical "thank you for listening"). he had never changed it, as well as had no intention of doing so.
groggily, chiaki glanced at the digital clock by his bedside. 8:00 a.m. it said. today was... yes, the blond's birthday, third of november. which meant he had called in sick today to spend the whole day celebrating and rereading kaoru's suicide note for the thousandth time. great.
he sat up slowly, opening the drawer of the nightstand to reveal a stack of letters sitting neatly at its corner — "because writing helps me articulate my mind more thoroughly," kaoru stated on handing him the first letter (after spending all his high school years fighting against his own tendency to gross out around chiaki, or men in general). of course, chiaki deliberately kept them right by his bed so he could read them then cry himself to sleep every time he missed his beloved soulmate. grazing his finger over those envelopes, he picked out a light blue one with sandy surface, sealed by a paper tape saying "famous last words". laid inside the envelope was an obnoxious rainbow card, and when you opened it, you would see the two folded papers sticked to both pages. the smaller piece read "in case we lose touch (for a month)", the bigger piece read "in case i die young".
chiaki carefully detached the smaller one first.
"i really, really, really hope you will never have to open this." kaoru's buoyant handwriting appeared on the insensate paper, and chiaki's heart already twisted a bit.
"first, i want to apologize for not having handed you this on the date we agreed on, i know you were sad when you handed me yours then received an "i forgot" in return. i hope you forgive me for that."
"of course, idiot, you're forgiven." chiaki muttered quietly.
"i don't know what led you to be reading this right now, did we fight? was it because of me? :( please know that i will cherish the time i spent with you, even if we end up a mess. i cannot change what already happened, but i wish you will live well without me.
i will always be by your side~"
he blinked back the tears threatening to fall, not so early. he put the piece of paper back in its place before opening the remaining one.
"i don't want you to open this either, considering you would be likely to open the lost contact one first.
so... yeah, things to do if you find me dead one day as you asked.
1) in your corresponding letter, you can find my laptop's password (in case i have yet to tell you). i pinned the passwords of everything in the note saved as "im here >:D", you can do whatever you want with them."
"i locked all your socials up... i also read all of your chats, you're so embarrassing." chiaki responded to the written text. his voice was still hoarse from sleep, now with slight shakiness as the butterflies messed up his stomach.
"2) you will find a private playlist named "this" after logging in to my youtube. please listen to that in my funeral with earphones (i don't think the eulogies are worth listening to to be honest)."
chiaki did, but he kept the volume low enough to hear people delivering their eulogies anyways. he still listen to that playlist these days.
"3) take my surfboard and the box under my bed home with you. they're things i treasured the most during my lifetime. take anything else you want."
they're tucked away under chiaki's bed now. he also took his "california sun and wind" t-shirt and his mangas since he thought they were silly. it was flattering, if chiaki put it lightly, to see all of his own letters being in that box alongside kaoru's photos with his friends, movie tickets (some of his favorite movies, some from their dates), the locket of his mother, his worn diaries, and many other items.
"4) no, i think that's all. other things don't really matter now, right?
i'm sorry for leaving you, i k-"
chiaki wiped his tears roughly with his hand to prevent them from falling down on the letter. he reached out for some tissues before the tears could smear the ink like the first time he read it — three hours after kaoru's death was announced.
"you're forgiven... you're absolutely forgiven for everything." he sobbed, dabbing the tissue over his dampened cheeks.
chiaki still remembered vividly the sleepless nights they had spent at each other's place, getting drunk and verbalizing every single thought on their mind that moment, completely unfiltered. they weren't lovers, nor were they friends with the intimacy they shared. neither of them could recount how natural it felt to be in each other's presence. chiaki was the hyper-aware type of drunk, which made every word kaoru uttered when they sat shoulder to shoulder with fingers laced together become imprinted for good in his memory. kaoru's admission that being with chiaki was more comfortable than with himself; how he would randomly threw a plush at chiaki sometimes; the escalation of conflicts in his family; complaints about his teammates in university; his declaration of not planning to survive to his twenty-five. the signs were all there, yet others would always question why he left: he never showed up gloomy, his appearance was gorgeous, he had friends, he had the whole future ahead. the brunette didn't stay for long at his funeral due to that. the majority of attendees staring at his memorial photo acted as if that had beem a decision made on the spur of the moment, a hasty act instead of a thought ruminated for years. that bothered chiaki so much more than it should have.
letting out a weary sigh, he continued reading the letter.
"i'm sorry for leaving you, i know it will hurt you a lot. even though i wish i were overestimating my significance to you, i know better than anyone how dearly you hold me in your heart, which made this decision so much more difficult to make.
ironic, isn't it? considering how i went from "constantly keeping a distance" back when we were in the same school to the clingy mess i have become since the last months of our last year... i love you in every sense of the word. you are far more familial than my own family ever since mom passed away. cradled in your arms, i no longer know pain. bathed in your presence, i no longer feel sad. we have developed so far from just two suicidal people finding shelter in each other, really. i don't wish for anyone to replace me, for it would be nearly impossible (well, if there actually is someone, good for you).
it might take you a long span to overcome, nevertheless, please live on. i know it sounds awfully selfish and hypocritical coming from me, but i have a hunch that you're not so desperate for death... (i don't know how to put it into words, sorry). live by your own will, eat well, sleep well, and try not to miss this handsome too much ;). if you cannot smile, then cry. if you cannot cry, then crash out. if you cannot crash out, then, i don't know, breathe, perhaps. my soul will bawl with you on your bad days.
thank you for always being there by my side, willing to accompany me anywhere, even when i show up unannounced at your door in the dead of night saying i want to take a ride to the countryside. you held me back until now, and i'm forever grateful for that.
i stopped at this line for a good while, wondering if there was anything left to say. but i guess i don't have any more heartfelt poems to write, because they are all conveyed in the other letters we exchanged. then, farewell.
i adore you,
hakaze kaoru"
chiaki let the piece of paper slide away from his fingers, falling softly on the sheet. he held his face in both hands, sniffling quietly. loss would always hurt, he knew that certainly. we learn to coexist with that pain, to sweep that withered part to a corner of our heart, doesn't mean it will hurt less whenever we recognize it.
the brunette wiped away the remnants of tears on his eyes and hands, folding the card and put it back into the envelope tenderly, as if handling a delicate flower. after slipping it back in its exact previous position, he finally got up, stretching his limbs, getting ready to start the day. he didn't want to weep too much on the blond's birthday.
"live well, huh?" he mused aloud, a wry smile visible on his lips. "jackass."
chiaki grabbed his phone, checking the to-do list for the day.
"pancakes, some beverage, pink camellia bouquet, cemetery..." his phone was laid down on the nightstand again as he headed to the bathroom.
the sky wasn't any bluer today, but a certain someone finally decided to try out pancakes at a new place rather than the one he had frequented with his lost one.