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Growing up is just another facet of life - it's just like learning, making friends, and experiencing different emotions. It's as forgettable and sappy as it is real and scary, and Xingqiu thinks that with age, he unfortunately hasn't quite grown into it as confidently as the other people in his life.
After he moved out of home, his mother really took up new creative hobbies, and when he comes back home to visit she'll gift him and Chongyun crocheted pot holders or quilts with their initials and favorite colors. She's always been intelligent and a fast learner, but as Xingqiu's watched her get older, he only finds her becoming more so.
His brother had a fiancé for quite some time, but the two of them went their separate ways a year prior. He doesn't know the details, just that his brother briefly mentioned that they had been rushing things and thought it was best to break it off and maybe try being friends later. Despite what Xingqiu would definitely deem a devastating change, his brother too handled the change that comes with growing up with grace, and instead keeps putting his all into the family business.
And of course, his boyfriend Chongyun, has also seemed to grow with the same elegance and sureness that he used to say Xingqiu seemed to harbor. Funny how the tides have changed, it seems.
With age, Chongyun has only gotten better at handling his condition - more strong and capable and confident in his abilities, but without any of the extremities like cockiness or an overinflated ego. He's gotten taller, and more handsome (especially according to Xingqiu), but his eyes are still just as kind and beautiful as always, and even after so much time he's still always been 'Chongyun'.
He feels like everyone just knows what they're doing, like they know where they want to end up and what they want to die doing, and that even if they're thrown unnecessary curveballs, they can just walk it off.
Xingqiu, on the contrary, feels like he's only gotten more awkward. More clumsy, more anxious, more worried about the future. When he stands in front of the mirror in the morning to wash his face, he'll look back at the face of someone who has dreams and aspirations, but still feels so incessantly lost. Often times he'll duck his head back into the sink, letting water drip off his chin while he turns up the hot water so it fogs the mirror and he doesn't have to look at himself.
Tonight he sits across the small dining room table with Chongyun (like he does every night), twirling noodles around his chopsticks and gingerly slurping them into his mouth. He tries to focus on the taste, the freshness of the vegetables and the savory, cold broth (just like how Chongyun always makes it). He's read in self help books that that's a good thing to do when you're trying to feel calmer, or be more in touch with your surroundings or something.
"I ran into my Auntie when I stopped at Wanmin today to give Xiangling some sweet flowers I picked for her." Chongyun hums, taking a sip of tea and glancing across the table at him. Xingqiu has his eyes down looking at his bowl, and doesn't see it.
"Oh? She's still at Wanmin?" Xingqiu comments back lightly, fishing out a chopped piece of celery and eating it.
"Mhm. She's been there for quite a while now, and Xiangling says she's been getting really good with customers." Chongyun says, tilting his head and pausing in his eating to ask, "How's the soup, Xingqiu?"
Xingqiu half-freezes for a second when he asks, recognizing the 'sweet and concerned' tone of voice Chongyun always uses on him when he knows something's up. That paired with using his full name rather than a shortened version or a nickname tells Xingqiu that he either needs to fess up or get better at hiding what's troubling him.
He clears his throat abruptly, adjusting in his chair to sit up a little more while still not making eye contact. "It's very good, as always. You have a real talent for cooking, A'Yun. You always have."
Chongyun doesn't reply right away, and Xingqiu's hyper aware of the silence in the house for the period it lasts. Water dripping in the sink, a fan humming in their bedroom. Their cat Miso jumping off the couch to wander somewhere else, Xingqiu's foot subconsciously bouncing against the floor boards.
Xingqiu doesn't like to worry Chongyun, because he can't stand him being in any kind of distress - but he also doesn't like admitting what's bothering him, because then he has to admit that can't handle it himself. He's Xingqiu, Second Son of the Feiyun Commerce Guild who always gets his work done efficiently, Guhua Clan prodigy who any innocent victim of treasure hoarders can rely on, secret author Zhenyu who always gets his deadlines met. He doesn't need help.
But Chongyun knows him better than Xingqiu even knows himself, or will ever admit himself, so they finish their soup in silence before Chongyun stands up and presses a kiss to the side of his temple. "How about we take a shower after dishes? It'd be nice after I ran Quince Village and back today for an exorcism."
Xingqiu nods subconsciously, letting Chongyun take his empty bowl and cup and standing from his chair. The errand is an excuse, and he knows that it is - an excuse for Xingqiu to ease himself into telling Chongyun what's wrong without feeling like a spotlight is directly on him.
He heads upstairs while Chongyun cleans off their handful of dishes and sets them aside to dry, gathering towels and clothes to change into and organizing them on the bathroom counter. He scratches the black fur on Miso's head before he shuts the door behind him, the familiar hum of the shower filling the space while he pulls off his socks.
He's unbuttoning his shirt by the time Chongyun joins him, cooing at Miso and shooing her off his feet and out the door before he stands beside Xingqiu perched on the counter, pulling off his own shirt.
"You want some help with that?" He asks, watching Xingqiu's hands slowly stop on the third to last button with a small nod. "Sure."
Chongyun stands between his legs, undoing the last few shiny buttons in a swift fashion before he pulls it off his shoulders and sets it on the counter beside him. He pats Xingqiu's thigh, running his finger over the fabric of his shorts. "Do you like these ones? I can buy you some more from the market next time I'm there."
Xingqiu nods gently, pulling them off and setting them with the rest of his clothes. "Yeah. They're nice as every day wear and pajamas, and stuff."
"I can tell since you wear them so often." Chongyun smiles at him, working on his own clothes. "I can get you different colors too, if you want. Unless you just like those."
"I like the black ones, but maybe navy would be nice too." He says softly, finishing undressing and setting his hands in his lap. "I kind of miss wearing navy shorts." The counter is cool against his skin, like a frigid, empty sensation. It doesn't make him feel much better, only curling his hands closer together for warmth.
Chongyun looks over at him, a twinge of concern hidden on his face but he doesn't say anything about it. Xingqiu knows he won't, because he knows how Xingqiu works. Chongyun knows that if he's just prodded for answers, he'll lock up and not say anything. He sets his remaining clothes aside, coming back to wrap his arms around him and rest over the small of his back, just shy of his hips.
"I know you do. I'll get you both, okay?" He hums, rubbing a thumb against his skin. Xingqiu rests his head gently against the crook of his neck, relishing in the warmth of his skin and the soft thrum of his heart beating. He's never particularly been shy about being naked around him - Chongyun a bit less so, but not enough to make a noticeable difference. It's just sort of been, and whether it's showering or just getting dressed for the day, Xingqiu's only ever admired seeing the silent strength in his visible muscles, the trust that comes with intimate vulnerability like that.
"Okay." Xingqiu responds quietly, and after a few moments they finally gravitate to the shower. Like usual, Xingqiu dunks his head under the water to make sure it's soaked, the split, navy ends dripping constantly over the shower drain. Chongyun lathers shampoo into his hair, and Xingqiu stands still with his body leaning forward against his chest, a hand on one side of his waist for balance.
He stares down at Chongyun's torso while he washes his hair, counting the random freckles dotting his skin. Sometimes he thinks he's finally found them all, but then there's another that was hidden by suds and he starts counting again until he surmises 12 is the total that he can find.
"Head up," Chongyun says softly, indicating to Xingqiu to wash the soap out. He squeezes his eyes shut and raises his head, pushing his bangs out of his face and holding his breath while Chongyun runs his fingers through his hair, strong and meticulous in sorting through every single section before he tells him he can put his head back down again.
This time while Chongyun lathers conditioner, he traces his scars instead. Numerous little faded marks from training, battle, or both, some more visible than others. Some are so tiny he only knows they're there from being with Chongyun for so long, from seeing the expanse of his skin and all the little intricacies it has to offer.
After Chongyun asks him to put his head up again, Xingqiu finally relaxes, exhaling thro high his nose while the water cascades down his hair and off his shoulders. Chongyun always has a way of making a space safe enough for him to talk, to divulge what's going on with no fear that anyone else will know. He loosely sets his arms around his waist, feeling the warmth against his palms.
"I've just been thinking, is all. I'm sorry if I've been worrying you, Chongyun."
Chongyun pauses for a moment, his fingers momentarily stilling in his hair before he continues, tucking part of his hair behind his ear. "It's okay. What have you been thinking about?"
Xingqiu clasps his hands a little more fully around him, pressing his chin against his chest. "Just, y'know...getting older. That kind of thing."
Chongyun takes his hands out of his hair, indicating he's done washing it. "Are you worried about looking older?" He kisses the bridge of his nose. "Because you're still as pretty as always."
Xingqiu blushes, wiping his eyes from the water and looking up at him. "Oh stop, it's not long before I'll start getting white hair and wrinkles. Then we'll see if I'm really still as attractive as you claim."
Chongyun smiles, wiping water off his cheek. "Even if your hair goes completely white, that's not going to suddenly change my opinion of you - and it's not like I'm immune to time, either. I'll look the same."
Xingqiu hums thoughtfully, poking a dampened curl on his head. "I think you'll look nice with grey hair. But truthfully, looking older wasn't really what I was worried about. Though I'm not exactly excited for back pain and a frailer body."
"What's bothering you then?" Chongyun asks, grabbing the body wash of the shelf.
"Just...I don't know." Xingqiu sighs, watching Chongyun pour soap onto a towel. "I feel...lost, I guess? I feel like everyone else knows what they're doing as they grow up, and I just...don't."
Chongyun stares at him incredulously for a minute, soapy towel in hand and the water spraying over him. "Wait, what?"
"Is that a dumb thing to think...?" Xingqiu mumbles self consciously, leaning against the opposite wall and crossing his arms over his chest. "I mean, I know we're only 23, but-"
"N-no, it's not dumb at all, I just-" Chongyun blushes, looking off at the wall for a moment before back at him. "I was surprised to hear you feel that way. You're so invested in your book selling and martial arts practice that I always thought you felt confident in what you were doing - but it's not dumb to think that way, Xingqiu."
He lets Chongyun start washing his shoulders, gently gliding over his chest and his arms while they talk. "It isn't?" He asks quietly, looking off at the foggy shower door. "Cause I feel like I should know what I'm doing, y'know? I've got those things I mentioned, I have support. I have you."
"But you can still feel lost." Chongyun reassures, washing his sides and torso. "I think that in itself is part of growing up, y'know? Sometimes things go so well you think something should be wrong, or sometimes things feel off for no reason at all. Everyone feels that's way sometimes, and everyone is still learning new things and making their life better in different ways. That's just part of being alive."
Xingqiu stares at him, watching Chongyun kneel down on the floor to carefully wash his ankles and calves, and he suddenly feels much...lighter. He doesn't have to be perfect at 23, or 80, or however old he is. He doesn't have to have it all figured out, and maybe he never will - it's all just part of living.
He knows that he likes his job with writing, and he likes his friends and his new home with Chongyun. He loves the memories he's made inside it, and the dinners they share every night and the warmth and comfort of falling asleep in the same bed next to him.
Maybe it's not so much that Chongyun has grown into age so much better than he has, and more that he's only noticed all those things more in him as they get older together. He loves seeing him try new foods, new haircuts, new meditation techniques, new clothes.
He may feel like his fall into the present day has been clumsy and uncertain, but as an outsider looking in he's just existing like anyone else.
He's let his hair grown out, he's given carrots one more try (and will only eat them the way Chongyun prepares them now). He's traveled to all sorts of places, written new books, learned so many new things.
He doesn't know everything right now. He probably won't know everything tomorrow either, or the day after that, or the day after that, or even the day after that.
But it's reassuring to know he doesn't need to try nearly as hard as he thinks to be alive 'correctly', and that everything will fall into place some way or another.
He watches Chongyun scrub away a dirt stain on his knee, and with his feelings ready to burst he just looks down at him without many other thoughts in his head and he stares down at the man he loves in awe.
"Marry me."
Chongyun immediately freezes, his entire face getting red as he looks up at Xingqiu in alarm before he shouts, "What?!"
"Marry me." Xingqiu repeats more adamantly, feeling a little silly he's proposing in their cramped shower at 9:00 p.m., but it's the thought that counts, right?
Chongyun jumps up, partially hitting his head against the shelf with their hair products before he grabs Xingqiu's shoulders. "Y-you're proposing right now?"
He nods, a bit exasperated. "Yes. A'Yun, it's not like you don't know we want to get married one day."
"I-I know that! This is just very sudden is all, y'know?" He says in a slightly-cracking voice, bringing a hand up to cup his cheek with burning cheeks and a shy smile. "And, as much as an appreciate you asking...I'm going to have to say no."
Xingqiu's mouth falls open, the shower still humming as water splatters over his shiny hair and down his back. "Wh-why not?" He asks, pouting.
"Because you're asking me right after we just had a heavy conversation, and if you have your heart set on being the one to propose, I'd want you to do it maybe once you've already got a ring?" He laughs as Xingqiu blushes.
"W-well you made me realize a lot of things! You can't blame me for getting emotional and wanting to ask!" He huffs, covering his face with his hands. "This is so embarrassing..."
"It's not embarrassing, it's endearing." Chongyun reassures, pushing up his dampened bangs and kissing his forehead. "And for the record, I'm not saying no to marrying you ever. I just think we should take it slow, y'know? There's no need to rush, especially since we both know we want to get married eventually."
"You're right, you're right." Xingqiu sighs, looking up at him stubbornly. "But I better not hear this story being told at our wedding."
"It'll be our secret, I promise." He says, taking one of his hands and intertwining them. "I won't tell anyone else. Besides maybe Miso."
"Augh, but Miso's going to tell every visitor we have! She's awfully noisy when we have guests, y'know." He shakes his head with a repressed smile, knowing how their cat loves to meow for attention from anyone who comes into their home.
"Aright, alright, just you and I then." Chongyun laughs, reaching over for the shampoo bottle to wash his own hair before Xingqiu intercepts him and starts to put soap in his hair.
Chongyun tries not to smile, ducking his head slightly to give him better reach. Xingqiu tilts his head, scrubbing at a tuft of curls on the side of his head and being careful not to get soap in his eyes. "What kind of ring would you want?"
"Anything you got me would be fine." He replies, snorting when Xingqiu flicks the side of his head. "Okay, okay, let me think...maybe gold. A gold ring with a blue or silver stone."
"I think that suits you wonderfully." Xingqiu smiles, tilting his head up to signal he's going to rinse his hair.
"What about you?" Chongyun asks, squeezing his eyes shut. "What kind would you want?"
"I think the same." Xingqiu pauses, leaning forward to kiss both of his closed eyes, his lips brushing his eyelashes as he pulls away. "I do love gold jewelry, and blue and silver remind me of you. Of your eyes."
Chongyun blindly cups his cheek, leaning forward to lean his forehead against him. Xingqiu continues to wash his hair, getting through with the conditioner and body wash before they're finally done, standing under lukewarm water and the dim bathroom lights.
Chongyun yawns, getting tired as the time draws on. He nuzzles into the crook of his neck, his palms flat against Xingqiu's back. "I love you, okay? Please don't ever forget that, no matter how lost you feel. I'm always here for you."
"I know." Xingqiu nods, settling his hands on his waist. He runs a hand up to his chest, over the warmth of his skin and up to where his heart beats, just to know that he's alive. That he's existing, and living, and that it never stops beating even if he feels unsure.
He looks over the expanse of his shoulders, at his hair framing his head and feeling his hands on his back, calloused, and strong, and warm, and loved.
Loving.
Xingqiu closes his eyes, kissing his shoulder with a whisper. "I love you too, A'Yun."
And even under the noise of the shower, he can feel Chongyun's heart beating just a little bit faster than before.