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Carmy was struggling to catch his breath by the time he made it to their floor with the large box in tow. He regretted not having it delivered, but he didn't want to return empty handed. And Sydney wanted to see how the car seat would actually look, not rely on pictures online. He had facetimed her while he browsed the baby section. She got sidetracked, wanting him to stay in the clothing section for far too long. They still didn't know what they were having, but she wouldn't let him move on without grabbing the yellow and white dress that caught her eye. It came with a matching headband.
"What if we don't have a girl?" He asked but still put it in the cart.
"We can take it back or we can keep it. I'm sure someone will have a baby girl eventually." She had answered easily.
"Or we could keep it for us." Carmy said, suddenly picturing a large family with Sydney.
She laughed from the other side of the phone. "Let's have this one first, okay? We can look at car seats now."
Presently, he leaned on the box for support, he focused on his breathing. In and out. Inhaling and exhaling until his heart rate returned to normal. He swiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. He unlocked the door and pushed the box inside ahead of him, with the bag that held the dress now sitting on top.
Sydney heard the door open and the sound of something being slid against the floor. She pulled herself into a sitting position and held onto the edge of the nightstand to push off of the bed and rose to her feet. She stood there for a moment, ensuring she was steady before taking a step. With her large bump, she could no longer see past it when she was upright. The last thing she wanted to do was to fall.
"You home?" She called as she headed down the hall, towards the living room.
"Yeah." Carmy answered.
She found him standing by the box, box cutter in hand with the shopping bag on the floor next to him. He had opened the top and was pulling out plastic encased pieces and sitting them around himself.
"They only had gray." He told her, placing the box cutter out of the way, making sure the blade was no longer exposed.
She shrugged as she caressed her bump before taking a seat at the dining table so she could watch him. They hadn't removed the decorations yet. The bear and deflating balloons were still everywhere. "That's fine. It's neutral."
She watched as continued to pull pieces out. The car seat itself was fully intact. He just needed to assemble the stroller part.
"So, I was thinking," Sydney said, still running her hands over her stomach. She felt kicks earlier and was hoping she could get the baby to do it again. She switched to taping sides of her belly lightly with her fingertips. As if to say ''Come on. You can do it again, little one,''.
"Yeah?" Carmy said as he began to put the wheels together.
"I don't want to like rush you or anything. I know it's a touchy subject for you."
His hands froze before reaching for the car seat. There were a few things that could be considered touchy. He impatiently waited for her to speak again. He sat the car seat on top and pushed the now assembled stroller back and forth, testing it. He didn't look over at her although he could feel her eyes on him.
"I would like to meet your mom before I give birth, Carmy."
If it were possible, his heart would have dropped out of his chest, on to the ground like a fish fresh out of water. Just flapping around until it ceased to move. Instead, his heart began to race, beating wildly inside of him.
"Did you hear me?" He faintly heard her ask over sound of his pulse in his ear drums.
"Y--yeah, heard you," He stuttered out.
"Are you going to say anything?" She asked, expectantly.
He didn't have an answer. He rolled the stroller again towards the door and then turned around, hoping he could distract them both from this conversation. She knew what he was doing though. He had danced around the topic of all things Donna whenever she brought her up. And she understood. She really did but it was time. They needed to finally rip the band-aid off and get it over with.
"I know you're ignoring me."
"I'm not." He said, eyes still glued to the stroller.
"I don't want to be insensitive. I know you have a right to feel whatever it is you feel towards your mom. But you faced Fields, and I know that wasn't easy. How hard could it be to see your mom?"
"It's not the same." He spoke, recalling confronting the asshole who had given him ulcers in New York.
Fields had been awful. A constant thorn in his side while he crawled towards excellence. With Donna, there was no light at the end of the tunnel. It was just chaos and stress. Always walking on eggshells in effort to not set off the ticking bomb within her. It never worked. Not until he took off for New York and avoided her all together. And he knew she had changed, or so Sugar had told him. But he was not his sister. He didn't know how to let her back in after successfully pushing her out.
"Nat has dinner with her some Sundays. She told me that it's actually kinda nice?" Sydney said. "Would it be easier to just go to her house? That way it wouldn't just be us and her."
Carmy shook his head, finally lifting his head to meet Sydney's eyes. They were full of hope, almost pleading. He was sure his own held fear.
"Sugar was always desperate for mom's love and attention. Always waiting for her to open the door and finally let her in."
Sydney tried to read his face. He was itching to change the subject. To derail the conversation and talk about literally anything other than his mother, but she pressed forward.
"Maybe. I can just go alone, I guess. I don't want to force you or anything."
"I'm not letting you see my mom alone, Syd." He said like his mother was the ultimate big bad, the final boss level villain. "You really want to meet her?"
She nodded her head. "Yes. She'll be the only grandma our baby will have."
He could hear the crack in her voice when she said that, and he instantly felt guilty. She had no mother at all, just pictures and memories. He wondered if she judged him for ignoring Donna. For having a mother, no matter how fucked up she was, and acting like she didn't exist at all.
"I just don't want you to get your hopes up." He said softly, finally stepping away from the stroller and joining her at the table.
He sat in a chair next to her, turning his body towards hers and leaning forward to press a kiss on her stomach. He looked at the bump, with their growing baby inside as he spoke.
"If she says anything, anything at all to offend you, we're turning around and never looking back. If she even looks at you wrong, Syd," He looked up at her then, locking eyes with her. "I swear I'll never forgive her. She won't see us again or our kid."
Her heart felt warm as she smiled at him, holding his eyes. "Okay," was all she said. She was too touched to say anything else. Fearing that if she tried to express just how safe and protected his words made her feel, she would never stop crying.
"A little birdie may have told me your mom is at her house today."
Carmy squeezed his eyes shut. Of course, Natalie would feed into this. But he nodded his head. Telling himself it was better to get this over with. If not, he would just walk around with a cloud of dread for the week ahead. He opened his eyes and stood, helping Sydney to her feet next. He helped her out of her pajamas and into an oversized graphic t and biker shorts. She placed one of his baseball caps over her head to fight against the sun.
He wanted to argue that she was doing more moving than he felt comfortable with. Going out so soon after a doctor's appointment but it was too late to say anything now. He had finally relented and given her the one thing she had been bugging him about. He had no choice but to see it through now.
30 for 30 played as they pulled into Natalie's neighborhood. It was nice with well-maintained lawns, toys left behind in a few yards, evidence that children lived there. They passed a few people walking their dogs. It was safe and kid friendly. The type of neighborhood that was perfect to raise a kid in. Something way out of Carmy and Sydney's price range, but something Carmy secretly wanted for them. Not that he particularly liked the suburbs. They felt stuffy and fake, but he knew his kid deserved something like this.
Sydney squeezed his thigh when they parked in Natalie and Pete's driveway, behind an unknown car that had to belong to his mother.
"You ready?" She asked, looking over at him.
He shook his head and laughed under his breath. He reached for his gum and popped a piece out of the plastic before tossing it into his mouth. She squeezed his thigh again, although she too felt like a bundle of exposed nerves. She unbuckled her seatbelt with nervous hands. He got out and walked to her side and helped her out. She allowed him to lead them towards the door with one hand while her other held her stomach protectively.
He looked at her before he knocked. Giving her a final chance to pull them out of this. To say that this had been a test and they could go home. But she didn't say that. She just held his eyes and waited. With a sigh, he knocked on the door three times. He could feel the sweat forming on the back of his neck. The beads of it rolled down his back, soaking into his shirt. With each second that ticked by as they waited, he grew more and more anxious.
Putting him out of his misery or maybe propelling him towards it, Pete opened the door. A smile plastered on his face, easy and genuine. He wanted to hate him for it, but he couldn't bring himself to.
"Carmy! Syd, hey, get in here." He stepped aside to make room for them. "You're almost there, huh? You excited?" He pointed towards her stomach.
Sydney followed his eyes and nodded. "Excited but nervous as hell."
"You'll be fine." Pete told her.
Carmy wanted to stay outside. To plant his feet right there where it was safe. Where it was un-tainted by his mother, but he knew Sydney needed to sit down. He forced his feet forward, his fingers holding onto Sydney's. He felt relieved at the sight of the empty dining room. Pete pulled a seat out for Sydney, who happily sat down.
"Your mom is in the kitchen with Nat." Pete told them. "Sophie is asleep. I was actually going to check on her, but I'll let Nat know you guys are here. Is that ok?"
His eyes searched Carmy's. The younger man gave an almost nonexistent nod before taking a seat next to Sydney. Pete left them as he went to find his wife and mother-in-law.
"You sure about this still?"
"Too late to back out now." Sydney said.
Her hand hadn't left her belly. Carmy reached out, placing a hand over hers and kissed her temple.
"I meant what I said." He told her. He was willing to cut off his mother for good if she did one thing he didn't like.
"I know."
Carmy held his breath when he saw his sister. Eyes waiting for their mother to appear behind her. Only she didn't.
"Hey," she greeted them, bending down to hug Sydney.
Her brother got up to give her a hug next. She shared a look with him. One that was unreadable to Sydney. One that could only be understood by two people who had endured the same kind of trauma.
"Mom's in the kitchen." Natalie told him. "She's really happy to see you, Bear. Sydney, I didn't tell her about you. Didn't want to ruin the surprise but she knows he's not alone."
Carmy remained quiet. His mind thinking of a million ways that this was going to go wrong. For a moment, flashes of their last Christmas in his childhood home appeared in his head. His mom, behind the wheel in the aftermath of her driving into the house. A desperate Mikey screaming for her to open the door.
"Carm?" Natalie's voice cut through the fog of the memory.
"Yeah," he answered, hand gripping the back of Sydney's chair. "It's okay."
With a nod, Natalie left to get their mother. He dropped his hand to Sydney's shoulder. Rubbing it gently, hoping she wasn't half as nervous as he felt. Carmy could hear footsteps, it was just Pete with Sophie in his arms. Wordlessly, he put the baby in her highchair. She smacked her hands against the surface playfully.
"Hey pretty girl," Sydney said to her, smiling at her and giving her a wave.
Sophie gurgled, causing bubbles to form in her mouth. Carmy turned his head to look at his niece too. From the corner of his eyes, he could see his sister re-enter the room. Their mother behind her. He could hear Sydney exhale at the sight of her. He felt her push against the hand on her shoulder as if she was going to stand up. Gently, but firmly he pressed against her, silently telling her to stay seated. He took a step forward, between his fiancé and his mother.
"Carmy, Bear, hi." Donna said, sounding uncharacteristically nervous. She wiped her hands against her pants and took a cautious step towards him. Her eyes dropped, suddenly landing on Sydney next to him.
"Hi, I'm Donna. Carmen and Natalie's mom. Michael's too." She greeted, stumbling over the name of her eldest.
She hadn't seen Sydney fully yet, Carmy knew. He was blocking the view of her stomach that held their innocent baby. He still wasn't sure about all of this, but they were here after all. And he knew if he didn't open his mouth, Sydney would.
He cleared his throat, "Ma, this is Sydney, my fiancé." He stepped away, letting his mom eyes fully take in Sydney. Her hand flew to her mouth in shock, looking at the bump, back at Syndey and then finally at her son.
"It's nice to finally meet you Mrs. Berzatto." Sydney said, extending a hand.
Donna choked out a laugh, feet moving ahead and wrapped her arms around Sydney. Sydney was too shocked to do anything at first. She looked at the faces of Carmy, Natalie and Pete. Each of them looking like they had stop breathing as they watched. She noticed the tightening of Carmy's jaw.
"It's so so nice to meet you too, Sydney." Donna said, over Sydney's shoulder. Still holding onto her.
Sydney returned Donna's embrace. When Donna stood upright again, she was wiping away tears from her face. Carmy wasn't sure how to process any of this. He hadn't expected his mother to be so emotional. Not without a wine glass in one hand and a cigarette nestled between her fingers.
"I've been wanting to call you, Bear. I didn't want to push though. I just waited. Hoped even." She said, still wiping tears from her face. "This is better than I could have pictured."
Carmy could hear her. But the words didn't sound like her. They weren't harsh and cold. Laced with alcohol and filled with venom. He looked at Sydney, for strength. For reassurance. For everything that he lacked. He felt weak; completely void of any energy he once possessed. It took whatever remnants that were left to keep standing.
"Are you okay?" Natalie asked. It could have been directed to anyone in that room. The intensity of the moment surely had fallen on them all, even Sophie. When Carmy's eyes fell on his big sister, he found her looking only at him.
I think so He thought. "Yeah," He answered.
Natalie guided Donna to the chair nearest to her. She sat down while Pete excused himself to get the food. Natalie wanted to join him, but she refused to leave Sydney and Carmy alone. She sat down near her daughter's highchair. Her eyes moving between the three people in front of her. Carmy finally moved and sat down again next to Sydney.
"How have you been?" He asked his mother.
"I've been okay." Donna answered truthfully. "Some days are better than others but uh, I'm getting through it. I've been talking to someone. Professionally. After Michael. I don't drink anymore either."
He looked at his sister after that, who only nodded, as if confirming what that their mother's words were true.
"T--tt that's good, ma. Real good."
"Thank you. Sydney? How far along are you?"
Sydney blinked, realizing the attention was now on her.
"8 months. Almost there."
"Wow," Donna said. She didn't sound hurt that she was kept in the dark for so long. For missing out on so much of her son's personal life. "Have any names picked out yet?"
"No," Sydney shook her head. "We um.." she laughed nervously. "We don't know the gender yet. We want to be surprised."
"As long as it's healthy." Carmy said softly. Heathy and not fucked up like he was. Like his sister. Like his brother who took his life, he thought bitterly.
"That is the most important thing." Donna agreed.
Pete returned with the food. They passed the casserole of lasagna around, putting servings on their plates until everyone had something in front of them. Carmy scraped his fork against his plate, not actually picking up any food. Sydney was too hungry to act like she wasn't. She picked up a nice portion and brought it to her mouth.
"This is really good, Nat," she complimented after she swallowed.
"Actually, mom made it. I put together the salad." Natalie said.
"And it's a really good salad too, honey." Pete added.
Carmy finally took a bite after Sydney smacked his knee under the table. He couldn't taste it though, like his tastebuds had suddenly vanished. He cleaned his plate of the lasagna, salad and garlic bread though. Not wanting Sydney to hit him again. The rest of the dinner felt like a blur to him. His mom made small talk with his sister and Pete. And he felt like an outsider, intruding like they weren't his family. Donna spoke to Sydney too. She gave his mother a modified version of how they met. They talked about The Beef and The Bear. His mother offering stories of her own.
It was so odd to him. How everyone could interact with her while he hadn't opened his mouth again. Not until Pete was leaving to clean his niece up, who was covered in red sauce. He had told her goodnight and rubbed her head playfully. She wrapped her red hand around his finger before disappearing with her father. Natalie had picked up their dishes and headed back to the kitchen, leaving the three of them alone.
"It was really nice to meet you, Mrs. Berzatto." Sydney said, reaching out to Carmy to help her up.
He quickly got to his feet and helped her. She excused herself and waddled to the bathroom. He wanted to go with her. He wanted to be anywhere but alone with his mother. He watched until she turned down the hall and was no longer in his line of sight.
"She's beautiful. Seems nice too. I hope she makes you happy." Donna told him.
"She does." He said without even thinking on it. "I'm lucky to have someone like her."
"Good," she said, smiling genuinely at him.
A good son might have smiled back. Might have tried to say something comforting or loving. But Carmy didn't say anything. Donna reached into her pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. She reached for his hand and slipped it inside. For a split second, Carmy wanted to pull away, but he didn't. He accepted it and shoved it into his own pocket. His mind wondering what the pages held.
"I-I wanted to mail it to you. I didn't have your address though." She said, eyes looking away nervously. "You don't have to read it, but I hope you do. I would really appreciate it."
He immediately thought of the envelope that Richie had given him that Mikey left behind. He wondered if it was something like that.
"Okay," was all her offered his mother.
Sydney returned and he nearly ran to her side. "We're going to go," he spoke for them both.
Sydney didn't protest. She was tired and ready for bed. Today had gone better than she expected but she was exhausted.
"Have a good night. Drive safe." Donna told them.
"Good night. Tell Pete and Nat bye for us please." Sydney replied.
Donna nodded. She watched them go. She didn't move until the Carmy closed the door behind them. Then she looked out the peep hole, straining her eyes to watch as they walked towards the car. Desperate to watch them until she no longer could.
Carmy reversed out of the driveway. The sun was no longer in the sky, but it wasn't completely dark out. Not yet.
"Thank you," Sydney said, leaning over as best she could to kiss his cheek. He leaned over to meet her halfway.
"You don't have to thank me."
"No," she shook her head. "I do. I know how hard that was for you. I want you to know I don't take it lightly."
He looked over at her as he slowed to a stop at the stop sign. He took in the tired but blissful look in her eyes. The smile on her face. He would do absolutely anything to see her like that.
"I'd gladly do anything for you." He said, his hand finding hers.
She pulled his hand towards her stomach; a faint kick pressed against his touch.
"I think baby Bear says thanks too."
He smiled at that. He had felt their baby kick a few times now, but he never quite got used to it. Each time felt like the first time. Like a precious gift.