Work Text:
“Wait, is it working? Is it recording?”
“Don't ask me, I've never done this before either.”
There's a loud whisper from behind the camera. “The red light is on, which means the camera is on.”
“Thanks, Josh!” Jen elephant whispers. Lana rolls her eyes.
“Hey guys, it's Jen.” The blonde gives the camera an awkward wave.
“I'm Lana Parrilla.” Jen glances at her when she rolls her ‘r’s.
“I, uh… Neither of us have done this before, so please forgive us,” Jen smiles sheepishly. “This idiot couldn't even figure out how to operate Snapchat.”
“I could too,” Lana argues. “You don't even have it because you're too afraid to even attempt to operate it for the fear of being made out to be an idiot.”
“Ouch.” Jen glares at Lana. “I do have Snapchat, by the way.”
“You do? Why don't I have you on there?” Lana crosses her arms at her chest and pouts and Jen thinks she's an idiot.
“My social media is not why we are doing this LiveStream!”
“This is live?”
Jen wants to facepalm. “Yes, Lana.”
The brunette sits up a bit straighter and clears her throat as she places her hands on her knees, “Hi everyone, I'm Lana Parrilla.”
“You already said that.”
“Wait, it was recording then?”
“It's been recording since you said ‘is it recording?’”
“Guys, back on topic!” They hear Josh say offscreen.
“Right!” Jen says as they both turn to the screen.
“Well,” she begins. “As I’m sure you're all very aware, many fans want Lana and I to be together.”
“As in a couple.”
“Like dating and couple-y stuff.”
“‘Stuff?’” Lana snorts and Jen’s heart stops as she turns to look at the brunette. “They want us to hug and hold hands and go on dates and kiss and… ‘stuff.’”
“Stop mocking me, ass.”
“Language!” Josh chides.
“Anyways,” Jen drawls out as she turns back to the camera, wide smile in place. “We have some great news for you Morrilla shippers!”
“It's Morrilla, you have to roll your r’s.”
“Sorry, jeez.”
Lana closes her eyes before turning to the camera. “... And some not so happy news for you Flana shippers.”
Jen frowns and puts her thumb down and blows a raspberry.
“I'm sure you all know Fred and I divorced.”
Jen smiles widely, jaw dropping, and does a thumbs up.
Lana slaps Jen’s hand down into her lap.
“If Jen would stop being a child, maybe we would actually be able to reveal this news for you.”
“Shut up, Regina.”
Lana glares again (Jen’s not entirely 100% sure she's not Regina Mills right now).
Lana inhales sharply and turns to the camera.
“Well, I'm not sure how to say this but… Jen and I are–”
“We are sleeping together.”
“Jen!”
“What?” The blonde asks as Lana slaps her arm playfully. “We are.”
Lana turns to the camera. “We are dating. We are a couple. Jen is my girlfriend.”
“And we also sleep together,” Jen says. “Lana was right about herself being great in bed.”
Lana’s eyes widen. “This is not the time, Jen.”
“Why?” She asks as she turns to her girlfriend. “Am I turning you on?”
“Jennifer Marie Morrison!” Lana chides, slapping her thigh. Jen chuckles.
“Alright Morrilla fans!” Lana says as she ignores Jen and turns to the camera. “I hope you're happy, because we are.”
Lana's smiling at the camera and Jen looks at her.
“Hey, speak for yourself.”
Lana’s eyes snap to Jen’s. “Excuse me?”
She raises an eyebrow and now Jen really isn't positive Lana’s not Regina.
“I never said I was happy,” Jen explains, shrugging.
Lana freezes, frowning. “Are you happy?”
A beautiful, radiant smile overcomes Jen’s face as she turns to her girlfriend.
“Of course I am, babe.”
A hand comes to Lana’s and Jen interlocks their fingers, bringing the brunette’s hand to her lips to kiss her knuckles.
“Happier than I ever thought I could be.”
“Oh, now you're just putting on a show for the fans.”
“Maybe, maybe not.” Jen leans in and whispers something into Lana’s ear, which makes her purse her lips.
“I just like teasing you,” Jen says.
“Oh, I know you do.”
Jen’s eyes widen and Lana leans in, their lips only inches apart, and Jen curses under her breath as she covers the camera lens with her hand.
She smiles against the brunette’s lips. “Of course you'd try to kiss me while we’re making a video for the fans.”
Lana chuckles, and Jen doesn't hesitate to swallow that chuckle. “It's what they want,” Lana says.
“Sorry, guys. Can't see this,” Jen says to the fans, who now only see black. “Rated R for… Regina.”
“You did not,” Lana says as she pulls away.
“What? I thought you liked foreplay.”
Lana smirks. “I do, dear.” She winks at the camera before hopping up and running backstage. “You have to come and find me first, though.”
“Oh, I'll be coming soon!” Jen says. She gets up and whispers to the camera (she's far too close and the fans can only see her eyes and eyebrow and part of her nose), “Hopefully.” She waggles her eyebrows
Jen runs off, leaving the only thing on camera the white screen behind their chairs and their chairs themselves.
There's clanging and the fans are silently wondering what the noise is, until they see their most hated, most stupid, idiotic, dumb bitch to ever live; Adam Horowitz.
“Hey guys, uh… Adam here,” he says as he walks backstage while talking to the camera. “So yeah, Jen and Lana are a thing…” He shudders. The fans are laughing at his quadruple chin.
“But that doesn't mean Emma and Regina will become canon.”
“YES IT DOES!”
“Thank you for the, uh, the comment, Ginny.”
“YOU’RE WELCOME.”
“If I have anything to do with it, Swanqueen will never happen.”
“SHUT THE HELL UP ADAM WE ALL KNOW IT WILL.”
“Thank you once again, Ginnifer.”
“NO PROBLEM. JUST KEEPING IT REAL, ADAM. QUIT LYING TO THE FANS.”
“Uh… Yeah.” He clears his throat and the camera is way too close to his greasy face. “So… Don't forget to follow me on Twitter, at AdamHorowitzLA.”
“Are you really promoting yourself right now?” Ginny asks as she comes into frame. “Hey guys!” She waves.
The fans melt at her cupcakeness.
“Just so you guys know, I totally ship Morrilla and Swanqueen.”
“I Titanic it,” Adam says. “Meaning it'll sink. Never gonna happen.”
“You're just saying that because you have a major Hook boner!” Meghan says as she walks by in the background.
“I'm just going to… Hang up now.”
“Hang up?” Josh is laughing uncontrollably and the last thing the fans see before the camera cuts off is Jared smiling widely and waving.
XXXX
Adam finally gets home and rests his feet up on his Ottoman, pulling open his laptop to check Twitter.
What in the world?
There's all these tweets with screenshots and mentions about Lana and Jen and he's so confused.
@regina_milfs: oh my god, did you guys see Lana and Jen in the background?! I. AM. FUCKING. DEAD. RIP SELF. B Y E. @AdamHorowitzLA tAKE THAT, YA BITCH.
@anicole3925: oh my god I saw it too. @AdamHorowitzLA you might want to go check the LiveStream when you're filming and look in the background.
@regina_milfs: he will have a hemorrhoid!
Those are pretty much the only few tweets that are actually readable; the rest are random letters and GIFs of Emma Swan opening her mouth like a fish and a lot of other random things.
He furrows his eyebrows and opens the LiveStream.
He fast forwards to his part.
Oh my god.
His jaw drops.
In the background, you can very clearly see a blonde and a brunette against the wall. Jen is rocking her hips up into Lana and the brunette is clawing at her back, Jen’s lips on her neck.
The entire time Adam is filming, the two actresses are having a heated makeout session in the background.
“OH MY GOD!” Adam screams.
“Babe, what's wrong?” Adam’s fiancé comes into the room.
“LANA AND JEN ARE DRY HUMPING IN THE BACKGROUND OF THE LIVESTREAM.”
“Admit it, you're turned on.”
Adam glares.
“When are you going to quit pretending to be homophobic and tell everyone we’re getting married?”
“I told you, when I'm damn good and ready. I don't want the fans taking that as a sign that Swanqueen will happen.”
“Maybe it's time that it does happen, sweet cheeks.”
Adam shoots up from his seat. “You're sleeping on the couch tonight, Eddie.”
“Adam!” Eddie whines. “Come onnnn!”
“NOPE.”
“Don't leave me hanging. Jen and Lana are super fucking hot, don't leave me with blue balls!”
“THEN WHY DON’T YOU GO FUCK LANA AND JEN SINCE THEY’RE SO HOT.”
Eddie raises an eyebrow. “Well, Lana’s name spelled backwards is…” Eddie smiles that shit-eating grin. “SEE YA LATER, STUD MUFFIN.”
Adam pops around the corner. “Wait, you're actually doing it?”
“Why not?”
“Okay, okay! I'll make Swanqueen canon!”
“You will?”
“No.”
“Okay, you're sleeping on the couch tonight.”
Adam’s phone pings. “I’m checking this. I'm tired of your shit.”
“Whatever.”
“OH MY GOD.”
“What?”
“OBAMA EVEN SHIPS SWANQUEEN, LOOK.”
He shoves his phone in Eddie’s face and sees the president on the screen.
“I hear there's a lot of controversy about this whole ‘Swanqueen’ business…” He begins. “And I must say, fellow citizens of America… Jennifer Morrison and Lana Parrilla are hot as hell.” He smiles. “I SHIP IT!”
Everyone cheers.
“Since Adam Horowitz, one of the writers of Once Upon a Time, is being a little bitch I am now appointing a whole new team of writers… Welcome to the stage, the new writers of Once Upon a Time.”
He steps aside and everyone cheers.
“Thank you, everyone,” Mari says. “It's an honor. I've been waiting for this moment my entire life.”
“Same here,” Ashley says. “Swanqueen is my entire life and Jen and Lana are hot, mkay?”
“I shall make Swanqueen the best damn lesbian ship alive! Once Upon a Time is now going to be called Once Upon a Time: Over the Rainbow. EVERYONE IS GAY!” KL cheers.
“VIVA LA MOTHERFUCKING SWANQUEEN!” Brittany screams as she shoots a canon full of rainbow dildos. “TAKE THAT, ADAM!” She's about to leave before she leans back into the microphone. “I love you, Mom and Dad. Sorry for cussing on live TV and blasting dildos about in front of all of America. But Mom… I TOLD YOU SWANQUEEN WAS ENDGAME. SO YOU AND ALL THE OTHER OUTLAW QUEEN AND CAPTAIN SWAN SHIPPERS CAN SHOVE YOUR HOOK AND ROBIN DILDOS UP YOUR–”
Ashley gets up and slaps a hand over Brittany’s mouth while the President winces.
“Okay, okay, thank you, Brittany,” Obama says as he shoves her out of the way. “And that is the new team of writers for Once Upon a Time, everyone!”
Everyone cheers. Even Eddie.
Back at home, Adam faints.
XXXX
Meanwhile, at Lana and Jen’s condo, Jen is sleeping soundly (very soundly; she snores a lot), and Lana sneaks out of bed. She watches her naked, sleeping girlfriend for a moment before sneaking over to her laptop.
Their video uploaded and already had 696969696927382108 hits on YouTube. She goes to edit the video and changes the name from, “GOOD NEWS MORRILLA!” to “RIP to the gays.”
She then smiles satisfactorily and sneaks back into bed, grabbing her phone and sneaking off into the bathroom.
“Hey guys,” she whispers as she videos herself on Snapchat. “I uploaded our video to YouTube and I think you're going to like the little tweak I made to the title. But don't tell Jen,” she winks and the video ends.
She adds it to her story (despite her not wearing any makeup), and sneaks back into bed. She then she takes a selfie.
“My love is sleeping right now. Isn't she a cutie?” Is her caption. It's a picture of her cheesing it up, Jen's face smashed against the pillow and her bare back on display.
Lana takes another video with the puppy filter. “Jen,” she whispers.
“HumpsjsKhsa,” the blonde mumbles.
“You're a cute puppy,” she says, and the tongue sticks out.
“Huhmph.”
“Jen,” she whispers again.
“Mmmhuhplash.”
“I love you,” she whispers. Jen’s eyes open and her mouth opens to say it back and the puppy's tongue juts out as the camera cuts off.
Lana adds it to her story and the next picture she adds to her story is a picture of her and Jen kissing. Lana can practically hear all the gays melting and screaming and sobbing.
Instantly her phone is buzzing so crazily it falls off the bedside table and onto her discarded clothes. Twitter is blowing up from all the fans.
Lana cuddles up with her naked girlfriend and kisses the underside of her jaw, finally content now that Jen is in her arms.
And they all lived happily and gay forever.
Except Adam because he's stupid.