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there was nothing waiting for him in this world.
(or maybe there was the future pain waiting to be inflicted on him.)
he stands alone in the seaside, the cold waves crashing against his bare feet. there seemed to be more stars out than usual, looming over him, as if they wanted to see him make decisions usually undesirable for the masses. the breeze was steady, yet pushy and demanding-- as if it wanted him to walk, no, to run to the ocean, desperate to let it consume and devour him whole, longing to fall into the depths of oblivion.
he wants to do the same.
he keeps himself steady as a rock, although he is ready.
(as ready as he could possibly be in his state of mind.)
he chokes back the lump of tears forming in his throat, trying to push it down along with the fear and anxiety growing unbearably heavy inside his stomach. he wants to break down. he wants to wail as loudly as he can. he wants the tears to flow freely on his cheeks. he wants to scream from pain and anger and sadness until someone notices and helped him out of his agony. he hopes for someone to show him he was loved, and that he was cared for, and that it was alright to be as selfish as much as he wants to be. with all the fibers of his being, he wants to love, and to be loved. he wants and hopes for and longs for so many things, but most of all, he just wants them to stay.
god, he just doesn't want anything to change.
and he sure as hell doesn't want the loneliness that crept up on him once he learnt that choromatsu was leaving.
and maybe that was the spark, the signal that sent sirens blaring throughout his head. the cause for all the migraines and the body aches and the silence in his room that screamed at him violently and broke his ribs and pulled him apart but at the same time it felt like he was merging into a singularity. his intuition and anxieties were screaming at him, crushing him under its hands so tightly that even breathing took so much out of him. maybe it all started with the fear. the paralyzing fear that choromatsu leaving would cause a domino effect. that one by one, they would all start getting their shit together. that they'll realize how crappy their life is right now, and that they'll try to change it. and maybe they will, or maybe they won't-- what scared him the most was the fact that his fear was right all along, and he still played a role in making them want to leave. it's making him numb and empty.
it's all his fault.
he tries to tell himself it isn't; that he was just acting rationally, that he wasn't being selfish. no way in hell would he be selfish in front of his brothers: he has to put up a good fight, he has to put up a good show, and at least try to live up to expectations to raise them as great people. and, well, they weren't exactly great right now, so wanting him to stay wasn't bad, it was logical... right?
but seeing that he kicked jyuushimatsu, and fought with karamatsu, just to get them to think logically--
hell, even he can't deny it. that was selfish of him.
he isn't even sure if making them stay was logical. he isn't sure of anything anymore.
he can't forget the eyes were yelling at him, screaming that he was a monster. the stares that burned at the back of his throbbing head, stubborn and hot-headed, making him feel so utterly useless facing his foes.
foes, huh?
so now even his family has turned into his foes.
it was the world against him, it was him against the world,
and maybe the world has already forgotten about him, leaving him to rot and disintegrate in the corner they had backed him to.
there were so much emotions running deep inside him, seemingly lacerating his guts-- with floral designs-- to make him bleed internally. but there was nothing beautiful in what they had carved inside of him. cut him deep and there would only be a hideous, vile, demented personality waiting for you to hold its stare and to fall for its trap, too. or maybe the loneliness had taken everything from him already-- friends, family, guts-- and the only thing inside him was nothing. a void, hollowed and numb, another breathing yet empty vessel, because you don't have to die to be dead.
he bites his quivering lips, trying not to show weakness, trying to be strong. it's the least he can do now, after being so aggressive and vigorous for all the wrong ways.
maybe, just maybe, it's time to make it all right again.
and if it is, maybe this is the right decision.
he jeers at this thought,
'as if there's some other choice, anyway.'
so his right foot takes a step forward, prickling a little from how long he stood still. the waves wash over his foot completely, and the coldness was comforting to him. it felt like it was his home, welcoming him back again.
like it was his menacing home, calling out to him sweetly and gently, rocking him back and forth and singing a lullaby for the hopeless.
then his left foot advances, the heels aching from carrying his heavy, but seemingly non-existent, heart.
the cycle keeps on repeating, and he's left as a shivering mess once he was halfway through. the waves aren't getting any stronger, and he's starting to wonder if he needs a rock to sink along with him.
the boy is staggering now-- even against the light waves, the weight was a tad bit too heavy for him to carry. and he didn't want to carry anything more; the burden of being a mistake was on him, and he grows weaker against it as every second passes by.
he starts to think if it's worth it. maybe he should do a double-take, think it all over again. 'is this really what everyone wants?'
he pauses in his advances, trying to focus more at the troubling thought at hand
(but maybe he was just trying to find an excuse to make his moment of death just wait a little longer).
he tries to think, but his thoughts are muffled and bleary and hazy, like you're trying to look at the world without glasses that you need to see properly. and maybe he contumaciously declined the offer of glasses. the voices just seem to mumble incoherent words and echo pointlessly, derived of their meanings, and he was satisfied with it. he didn't want all those voices making a ruckus inside him again when the silence was screaming at him distantly. he finds refuge in giving up and finally answers yes, this is what everyone wants; trudging on in the darkness of his death march.
but one voice was crystal clear, like a sharp ray of light shining piercing your eye in the darkness.
'is this what i want?'
he thinks, and thinks, and thinks, and there was only one answer: of course it's not what he wants. he hated it, he hated the fact that he had to be the one to do this, that he was the one chosen to die-- damn it, he can hear himself saying he had so much more to live for. but he can't be selfish... not now, not ever. this is what has to be done, and no one else should take up the job except him.
so no more thinking, he's going to leave himself be.
the water reaches his neck, and his body was violently shaking from the cold. walking in the water has drained so much energy for him, and his muscles were just about as useless as his whole life at this point. he wants to sneer at how ridiculous he must look like right now but his knees wobble and tremble and he collapses, reaching into the steep waters.
he wasn't ready for the fall.
he gasps underwater and takes a lungful of saltwater, choking him and making him want to cough in the surface. he flails his hands and feet to swim up, looking at the moonlit surface of the ocean longingly as the salt burns his eyes but he couldn't feel his arms nor legs anymore-- it felt like he had been painlessly torn apart from them although he could see them; they were right there... and so the temperature has taken the toll. coughing violently underwater hurt him, and he curves his body into the pain of his throat, desperate to catch his breath but he only catches more saltwater(as if he needed any more salt in his life). the feeling of liquid in his lungs grates on him like an unscratchable itch that seems to smirk smugly, filled with pride and arrogance; except now the unscratchable itch is the ocean, jeering at him condescendingly as it asks, "isn't this what you wanted?" he fights against the sea that fights back against him; he knows he stands no chance yet still he tries.
he could feel his death coming closer the same time the realization hits that no, this would not be what everyone wanted; and yes, it was what he wanted to end his suffering and misery. this entire act was just him being selfish, not some sort of self-proclaimed altruistic martyr who always put what everyone wanted before himself. who was he kidding? why was he lying? the world was his stage, and he was his only audience.
there is only one step left for the ocean before it engulfs him whole and he takes one last look up above; the wavering moonlight had never looked so beautiful before. his consciousness slowly fades and his eyes close with a gentle smile on his face that couldn't quite become a sneer just in time, then it disappears just as quickly as it had come up. his corpse is taken away by the ocean, sinking under its weight but moving along with its gentle and caring sways, indicating the end of matsuno osomatsu's life.
. . .
matsuyo had calllen all of them to come home the day before because it was("how could you have forgotten?") their birthday. of course, some-- if not most-- were reluctant to follow, with the past events. they had been living a productive year, one that used to be out of their league but now they had it, and yet it made them miserable. there was nothing exciting about this new life. and though they weren't very attached to it yet, when confronted with the announcement that they need to come home, they suddenly didn't find themselves wanting to let go anytime soon.
but matsuyo's voice was hopeful and filled with jubilee, pleading and begging them to just go because she had a surprise; and how are they supposed to reject a gift from the woman who did her best to raise them and their five brothers?
and so all of the meetings and interviews were cancelled as the brothers hurried to the home they had lived in for 23 years.
greetings were quick and rushed outside, because just like kids, they couldn't wait for whatever matsuyo had in store for them this year. but little did they know that there was nothing good waiting for them inside.
the atmosphere as they entered wasn't as warm and welcoming as they thought it would be; in fact, it was tense and stressful. there was no balloons, nor gifts, nor confetti, nor cake, in the living room. the brothers looked at each other and silently agreed that matsuyo hid the gifts, and with newfound determination, they decide to go on a search for the presents(and most importantly, the cake). while they were searching inside the living room, the door slides open, and matsuyo and matsuzo enter with stern looks on their faces.
the brothers slowly gather in front of their parents and try to gulp down their nervousness. it feels like they had done something terribly wrong now with the look on their parent's faces, but none of them had any idea what it was.
matsuyo cuts through the silence. "we can't find your big brother osomatsu," she declares, her anxiety clear in her voice. however, todomatsu sighs in agitation as a reply.
"are we going to make this about him, mom?" he asks angrily. "this is about us! we, the people who decided to get a move on with our lives, and did our best to be worthwhile and productive members of society!"
"relax, todomatsu! i'm sure this is another one of mother's pranks!" karamatsu replies, although he clearly appears to be shaken.
choromatsu's anxieties, however, had gone absolutely livid—osomatsu’s gone? where did he go? where could he have gone? did he have any place to be in? did he have anyone to meet? was he taken? kidnapped? held hostage? or, or is he... is he--
he nearly laughs at himself for even thinking of that. osomatsu? dead? as if! that guy's more annoying than a fly you just can't kill no matter what bug spray you use. he's stubborn as hell, and death won't be able to take him easily.
... unless he let it.
he tries to shake off this thought; osomatsu wasn't the kind of guy to let negativity overwhelm him. optimistic was an understatement; he was too carefree and reckless for his own good. but then... a lot can change in a year. a year where they aren't around, and osomatsu's left alone; and even thinking about it was enough to make choromatsu shiver-- osomatsu left alone with only his loneliness was a grenade waiting to explode.
then why did they leave? why did they still pull the trigger when they knew it would come to this? but did they know it would come to this? did they feel like this would happen? is osomatsu really as broken as choromatsu thinks, or is he just assuming? or maybe---
"--romatsu nii-san? are you okay?" jyuushimatsu asks with concern. he's not thinking that deeply about the missing osomatsu but he knows there's something wrong if osomatsu goes away. he's about to say something more when sirens and 3 knocks interrupt him.
sirens? police sirens? what's that supposed to mean?
jyuushimatsu looks as confused as everyone else-- except for choro, whose mind seems to have taken a turn for the worse. the poor boy looks petrified as they all walk and gather at the entrance and matsuyo opens the door.
they see 3 policemen with their hats off, bowing in front of them. one of them have red... red shoes?
choromatsu's eyes widen and shakes his head violently as the realization cuts at him. of course not. this can't be. to hell with that--! to hell with everything-- he takes a step back from the entrance, his hands twitching as they came to hold his head.
karamatsu notices choromatsu's odd gestures, noting that choromatsu had just realized something big and important; and perhaps the big brother instinct was passed down to him-- but why would it be? osomatsu still had that, didn't he? unless he died.
the two words echo in karamatsu's head. osomatsu nii-san, his precious and only big brother, dead? he stands there between his family, lost and dazed. he didn't know what to think of this. it's probably just his mind acting up and being overdramatic, like he usually would act. but osomatsu's missing, and those are his red shoes, and the policemen's hats that are taken off; and he knows, he knows, god, he knows, and he damn well wishes that he doesn't.
the voices slowly turn into a melted mess as karamatsu stands there, frozen still with a distant gaze. and then his vision becomes blurred and he can feel something streak down his face-- it tastes salty-- and no, no, this was not supposed to happen, this isn't real, this is just a bad dream, it's nothing it's nothing it's nothing
then matsuyo's wails enter his ears and he's down on the ground, on his knees, weak against the surge of sadness that seems to be crashing him against a rock. he isn't choking back his own tears anymore but it feels like he's choking as he hyperventilates, trying to find the right amount of air to satisfy his lungs but there's nothing that can help. his big brother isn't there to breathe the same air, to live under the same sky; and now nothing feels good enough as he sits and curls himself up in a fetal position to break down and cry.
. . .
he was thrown away and forgotten.
later that day, ichimatsu realized. they had all left him. it was their fault; and he had a bigger fault than the others. he was the last one to leave. why couldn't he just have stayed? he had nowhere else to go, anyway-- and even if he was asked to choose between any place or his home the asnwer will always be the same. so why did he leave? if he stayed, maybe he could have convinced osomatsu to talk again, and to eat, and to act normal, and maybe he could have asked him to bring the brothers back together because osomatsu had that kind of power to lure people in. it was the only reason they stayed as neets their whole life, but it was enticing and he manages to make it better than it looks like.
and now that he looks back on it, osomatsu has done so much for them. if it hadn't been for his instinct, most, if not all, of them would be a bigger mess than they are right now. it doesn't look like much, and he didn't do his best, but prevention is always better than cure. now, he's the illness that's probably spreading all over the town and infecting dozens. and he could be-- or rather, he is the cure, but now that he's gone, who's going to fill empty space he had taken from everyone on the night he had died?
he's so selfish. couldn't he see it?
he had been more than good enough. for everyone.
just look where they are now.
jyuushimatsu never had to face the terrible truth of someone close to him dying.
now that he's here, and he's sitting face to face in front of the fact that osomatsu is dead, gone forever, never to be seen again-- 'his heart sunk' would be an understatement. where was his big brother when he needed him the most? he wanted the warmth of his 'big brother' aura near him again. he wanted to hear his voice tell him something so true but ridiculous that he'd smile and laugh again. because he absolutely hated the feeling of being left alone. he felt it once when she left on the train, and now he realizes that it was osomatsu who had suggested that he run after her to see her one last time. if osomatsu hadn't been there, he'd just sulk his problems away without ever facing them properly. but he was there, and he gave great advice that he'd probably only have thought of after the incident, and after that he may not have felt the best but he felt better. he never really got the chance to thank him properly, but now he's gone and he'll never get the chance back.
his mouth closes and he can't say anything, anything at all.
he pushes through and hopes with all his might that osomatsu sleeps well--
he assures himself that he'll get to talk to him again later.
though he'll be holding off on his words and probably won't be able to talk properly soon.
todomatsu isn't feeling any better than his brothers.
he was angry. why did he have to do that? what the hell was he thinking? besides... it's impossible, he's too carefree and lighthearted and optimistic to do something that horrible but deep inside he understands that they had backed him into a corner, and that he was just trying to fight for his life, but surviving and not living gets tiring quickly. under those circumstances, totty knows that osomatsu's death is realistic and entirely reasonable. but that's what he hates about this whole ordeal-- it was emotionally logical and rational, you could see the reasons why he'd do something like that once you know the whole story. emotions and logic don't usually work together but here they are, performing so well in this horrible situation that it's just... disgusting.
of course, he was sad. lonely. terrified. there's only so much he can do in something like this. he didn't like him much, and he was a selfish asshat, sure, but he was still his big brother. someone he grew up with, and influenced his life in ways that he didn't realize until now. osomatsu was a large piece of him, and he had taken the very same piece when he died. and now totty feels emptier than ever, maybe even guilty of all the times he had called osomatsu worthless. in the eyes of a productive capitalistic society, he was, but in the eyes of his loving family, he meant the whole universe.
but most of them don't really know how much something means until they lose it.
they're always too late.
it was a horrible experience. no one deserves to see their brother die so young, and seeing your mother wail over his death is absolutely heartbreaking.
but it was... he was the reason they all lived together again. as the shitty neets who always had a tomorrow. as the brothers who had each other's backs when the night gets too dark and the winds get too cold and the sunset reminds them too much of their brother who smiled a smile that never hid anything. they even guessed that he smiled in his last moments-- surprise, surprise-- they're correct.
they're all back together, and being together made them happy.
and that was all osomatsu had ever wanted.