Chapter Text
Olivia didn’t dislike moving apartments just because she didn’t like change, she also hated it due to how time consuming and exhausting it was. She had begged Elliot to hire some movers to do all the hard work for them, and by movers she meant bribing his kids and her son with food and a paid trip out somewhere, but Elliot was adamant that doing everything yourself and finding belongings that you forgot existed was all part of the fun. She didn’t exactly believe him but she knew better than to start an argument because she didn’t want to move into their new apartment on a low note. So she grumbled something under her breath, grabbed an empty box and tasked herself with packing things from her bedroom.
She knew Elliot would be joining her soon after as he never liked to leave her in a bad mood (but truthfully she thinks he was happy he had an excuse to go down her underwear draw and to see if she was hiding any toys he hadn’t come across yet in her bedside table).
Despite dating for over a year, Elliot still felt like he was in a dream when he remembered he had access to every part of her bedroom. He couldn’t help but smile everytime he looked at her bedside table as his eyes always automatically landed on the framed picture of the two of them from the early years of their partnership, one he remembered used to live in her living room. He remembered the first time he brought it up to Olivia too.
“Wow that photo…I can’t believe you still have this after all these years”
“It hasn’t always lived there..”
“I know, it used to be by your sofa, right? Next to the one of you and your mom after you graduated college”
She always smiled at his memory of the finer details of her life. “Yeah yeah, that’s the one”
“So how comes you moved it to your bedroom? Wanted to wake up to me every morning huh?”, he joked.
But Elliot quickly realised it wasn’t a joke when Olivia’s cheeks instantly reddened and she looked down at her shoes.
“Liv?”
“Elliot I still don’t think you understand the impact that your absence had on me. I went from seeing you sometimes 24 hours a day to not seeing you at all, and that was a change I didn’t want. We both know our partnership was a little bit too codependent, so you leaving like that was like I had quit cold turkey on an addictive drug. I was waking up everyday crying, I’d get anxious and I’d be craving your proximity to calm me down, a couple of times I even cried in the bathroom at the precinct because someone mentioned your name or I thought I heard your voice. So yes, sue me, I did move our picture to my bedside table because it meant I’d fall asleep to your face and wake up to your face everyday. It was the one thing in the beginning that actually helped me get through the day, pretending that I was coming home to you”.
Elliot pulled her into his arms when she began to cry.
“Liv I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.”
“I know El”, she whispered.
Elliot pulled back and wiped away her tears with his thumbs. “I’m here now”.
“I know”, Olivia sniffled. “And you’re not going anywhere?”.
Elliot shook his head. “The only way I’m leaving you is in a body bag”.
He was brought back to the present by Olivia wrapping her arms around his waist and placing a kiss on his shoulder. He smiled.
“That’ll always be one of my favourite pictures of us”, her words were muffled as she nuzzled her nose into his shoulder.
“Hmm me too”, Elliot turned around so he could see her face. “But I do think one that tops this is one of those ones I took last night…especially the one where you-“.
Olivia cut him off by slapping his chest. “Pervert”, she said with a smirk and walked back to the box she was packing.
“What?!”, Elliot laughed. “It’s a good one!”.
Olivia playfully rolled her eyes. “Yeah yeah. Start packing the shelves in the closet please”.
She pointed her finger at him as if she just gave him a scolding, and Elliot dropped his head like a naughty school boy and got to work.
It was mainly boring things like old hats and clothes, with the odd old shirt from an ex (that Elliot quickly threw into the throw away pile) and a box full of cute pictures and creations that Noah had made when he was younger.
Right at the back of the shelf was a box that looked like it was full of at least 10 notebooks. Due to the contents, it was heavy- even for Elliot- so he had to grab a stall and carefully slide it to the front and slowly bring it down.
One of the books that was balanced on top fell onto the floor. As he picked it up, a flattened flower fell to the ground, causing a few petals to fall off.
“Oh shit sorry Liv”.
If Elliot wasn’t a seasoned detective and if he didn’t know Olivia so well, he probably wouldn’t have seen the slight facial movement that indicated fear and the way the pitch of her voice was ever so slightly higher than usual when she claimed it was fine and it was just an old flower from a while ago. Once he then noticed how her fingers were shaking, he couldn’t just let it pass.
“Liv…what’s wrong? What is this book?”.
That was when Elliot turned the book to look at the cover and saw ‘To El (2013-2014) book1’.
His mouth opened in surprise and confusion. He looked up and saw Olivia was mirroring his expression but from her wide eyes, he could tell hers was from embarrassment.
“Liv”
“El”
They both went silent and stared at each other.
“What does this mean? What happened in those years that’s related to me?”, he asked.
“El…”, Olivia whispered, her whole body shaking as she sat on the edge of her bed.
Elliot kneeled between her legs so he could get a look at her face and try and get any indication as to what was going on. He hooked a finger under her chin so she’d look up at him and one look at her eyes was all he needed to understand. He suddenly remembered their conversation from last year.
Elliot whispered through gritted teeth. “William Lewis”
Olivia hated how the name sounded coming from Elliot’s mouth.
“It probably sounds so stupid because we hadn’t spoken for 2 years. But-“, she took a deep breath as Elliot rubbed his hands up both of her thighs for comfort.
“My therapist told me one of my issues was bottling up my emotions and not getting the release of telling someone how everything made me feel…I tried…with Cassidy but erm, it just…it wasn’t what I needed. He just didn’t understand and it didn’t help me one bit. And I think it was because…because one of the reasons I was so upset was because I needed you”.
Elliot had to bow his head and take a breath. She’d told him this before, last year when they spoke for the first time. She had told him about how she had looked for him in the crowd when she was rescued from the beach house, and how sad Cassidy would look when she’d wake up screaming Elliot’s name after a nightmare. The tears had streamed down his cheeks before he had even realised they had started and he spent the rest of the night sobbing in Olivia’s lap.
“As much as it hurts me to know how much pain my absence caused you…especially with what happened, I’m glad you had found a way to cope. So what was it? Did you write as if you were talking to me?”, he asked.
Olivia nodded. “I wrote like I was telling you everything that happened and how it made me feel. Then, I think, because I know, well…knew, you so well I was kind of coming up with your responses. I knew what you’d reply with when I said certain things, and I think that helped me because it then turned into me giving myself that advice that you’d give and that’s how I’m now better at calming myself down when I begin to overthink or panic”.
Elliot looked back at the box and then back at her. “There’s at least 10 books in that box, are they all from that year?”.
He already knew the answer and it destroyed him.
She shook her head. “No…um, once I realised that that method was one of the most effective, I just…carried on. Some books are all from the same year because I had a lot to say…ha…and then some books are only one year. So those books are from 2013 all the way to when we started dating last year, so eleven years”.
“Eleven years worth of letters to me?”. Elliot had to hold back his tears.
Olivia nodded. She looked down and played with her nails, unable to look at him anymore. She wasn’t embarrassed, not completely embarrassed, but a part of her was due to the fact that the only way she could calm herself down was to pretend she was talking to Elliot. A small part of her hated how dependent she was on him, even after not having spoken to him for over two years. She also didn’t want him reading some of the words that she wrote about him. She was so angry, so fucking angry at him for not being there for so many situations that happened to her and she knows what she wrote will definitely hurt his feelings.
“Can I read some?”, he hopefully asked.
Olivia’s head shot up. “What?”
“I want to read them. I want to know what you went through, I need to know the details of how deeply I hurt you so I can never do it again”. His face and eyes were stern.
“El, I don’t know. I just, some of the things I wrote in there…”.
His hand cupped her cheek. “It’s ok, I get it-“
Olivia moved his hand away and stood. “No, you don’t get it. I was so angry with you Elliot and those letters contain my deepest and most private thoughts and feelings and whatever you read…it can’t be taken back. I’m worried it’s going to push you away”.
Elliot quickly stood and moved so they were chest to chest. Both of his hands cupped her cheeks this time so she had no other choice but to listen. “Do you remember what I told you last year? When we spoke about that picture next to your bed? I. *kiss* Am. *kiss* Not. *kiss* Going. *kiss* Anywhere *kiss*”, he locked his words in with one final kiss to her lips. “You could stab me in the ass and I’d still be getting up every morning to make your coffee before you wake up”.
They both chuckled.
“Ok?”, he asked.
Olivia shyly nodded, now embarrassed for the way she reacted. “Ok”.
“Look if you really don’t want me to read them, I won’t. I just…I don’t know, I want to know everything about you. I know you’ve told me not to apologise anymore for leaving you, but my hatred for the way I dealt with things will never go away-“
Olivia cut him off. “So how will reading these do any good then? Surely they will make you hate yourself even more? Reading these details of the bad things that happened when you were away? Reading me talking about my relationship with Ed and Brian?”.
Elliot shrugged and took ahold of her hands. “I don’t know, I guess as a punishment in a way? I hurt you and I left you alone without a single goodbye and it was the wrong thing to do and I never got my comeuppance for that. I guess knowing the extent of your feelings and how I made you feel will help me do better in the future, because I know whatever I’m going to read in there, it’ll be things that I’ll never want you to experience again. I don’t want to be the cause of any more pain, I want to be your shield from the pain.”
Olivia was silent as she eyed him. She knew how deeply Elliot loved her and how much he now loved Noah. She knew his main priority in life has always been his family and now that included herself and her son. But, he had always said how she was his family, how his family was her family, and even though the situation now involved Noah, she can’t help but remember that her being his family didn’t stop him leaving in the past. So who’s to say that wouldn’t stop him leaving for a second time? He was gone for ten whole years and didn’t speak to her once, so he clearly knew how to survive without her. She was trying to rack her brain on reasons why he would definitely stay this time. Was sleeping together, a dead wife and her child enough this time?
She was about to find out.
“Ok”
“Ok?”, Elliot asked, now wary if she really was ok with it or whether this was a test.
But Olivia silently nodded and gestured towards the bed.
“Sit there, I’ll read one to you”.
Oh god