Chapter Text
Time moved differently in her family home, an ocean away from where her nightmares lay. Summer was this lazy season, where her parents' son shrieked with joy and delight, oblivious to the grief his adoptive sister carried like a blanket.
Oddly, it was exactly what she'd needed.
It was hard to stay closed off when this rambunctious child demanded her attention, games she felt too old to play his primary method of communication. She tried, for him, to be a child. It was harder than any assignment she'd been given at school.
It was this month that shattered the last of the grief that had curled itself so tightly around her. Her mother had tended to her cuts, applying the salve she’d been sent home with religiously for weeks until all that remained was some silvery scarring on the side of her temple that refused to disappear, no matter how much salve was applied. Her father worked in tandem with her one day, chopping wood in silence, when Kari let her rage fly free. He stood back when he realized what was happening and let her work through this anger, unable to help her through it, but grateful that it was something other than the shell of a human that had come back.
That night, long after her brother, who did not feel like a brother, was put to bed, Kari had padded down the corridor where her parents' room lay. She knocked softly and walked in when her mother’s voice called out, standing there awkwardly until they shifted on the bed and made space for her in the middle. Embarrassingly grateful, she hurried over and climbed in. She let them tuck her in between them, her mother petting her head as Kari curled her body between them. Her father rubbed her back, whispering of their love for her and the grief they felt for her. The tears came, hot and heavy, leaving trails on her cheek as she silently wept for the girl she no longer was. In a soft voice, she told them everything - how Sirius had been cruel the summer before, and then he hadn't been at Christmas. How that version of him, the one who mocked and belittled, stung the most, and yet she loved him. She tried her best to explain his own demons, and to their credit, her parents did not judge him. For that, she could have wept, for she did not think she could bear them hating him.
She did that enough on her own, and she told them so, and of the shame that came after now that he was dead. Hate was easy when he was alive and behaving as he had. But now, she understood him better than she cared to, because she wanted to lash out and hurt people with her words, if only so they could feel as hurt as she was.
"He was a complex man," Keith Moore said at last as he placed a gentle kiss on her head. "I don't think anyone would argue that. And he had years of imprisonment for something he did not commit, and then a different kind of imprisonment in a home he hated. It doesn't excuse his behavior, but I understand it.”
Deidre Moore paused before speaking, but when she did, she trailed her slender fingers down Kari's cheek. "You have always been more aware than I ever wanted you to, darling. This grief will never leave you, but it will get more bearable. You will find new things to find joy about and, in time, find joy in the memories you have of him.”
"It's not fair," said Kari weakly.
Her parents chuckled softly. "It's not," Deidre agreed. Her voice was quiet, and Kari had to strain to hear it. "Before you came into our lives, I lost… we couldn't have children, or so we thought. We lost so many babies. And I was so ugly and mean to your father, because I couldn't stand my pain. My own skin felt alien to me, and my pain consumed me. I wanted him to hurt as much as I did. I did everything to push him away.”
"I'm pretty hardheaded, though," Keith grinned. He looked at his wife with love in his eyes, caressing her cheek with a love so pure that Kari's heart turned. "My pain was a different thing, no less painful than hers. Eventually, we found a way forward.”
"It helped that a rather energetic and curious four-year-old was placed in our trust,” Deidre said with a smile. "Life went on, and I had to focus on you. I realize now that that meant your father, Sirius, was in that god awful prison. But I am so grateful that life found a way to give us you, my darling. It hurts to think of all the horrors you've had to face on your own. I need you to believe that while it feels overwhelming now, one day those clouds will part and life will seem less grey again."
Kari nodded, her eyes heavy with sleep as her mother continued to pet her head. "I need to go back soon. Dumbledore said that he wants to make certain that… that the house is actually ours. Harry's. His birthday is coming up, and once he confirms it, I need to go.”
Her mother sighed. "Of course. I hate to think of you going back to that, but… of course.”
"Can I stay here tonight?" Kari's voice was small, and she hated how weak she sounded. "I haven't been able to sleep well.”
Keith scooted back on the bed, creating more space for the three of them to comfortably lie. "Mouse, you stay here as long as you need."
She knew he wasn't talking only about the bed. And it was tempting, so tempting, to stay here on this farm where the reality of her world seemed so far away. Kari yawned, knowing it was impossible.
And for the first time since Sirius had passed, she dreamed a dreamless sleep without the aid of a potion.
*
She travelled to the Burrow the day before Harry's birthday. Mr. Weasley once again was her escort, and her parents invited him to stay for dinner. At the boyish excitement on his face, the closest thing to a laugh that she'd experienced in over a month escaped, and Kari found herself insisting that he stay.
While her mother prepared the meal, she took Mr. Weasley around the property, showing him the tractor her father used to mow the lawn, the sprinkler that she'd run through as a child when the heat became oppressive. With every new item that she introduced him to, his childlike wonder cracked the shell of ice around her face until she was smiling alongside him.
"And this?" He asked as he picked up a long tool.
"Weed puller," Kari said as she grabbed it from him and demonstrated.
Mr. Weasley placed a hand on his cheek, shaking his head. "Muggles think of everything.”
Kari hummed in agreement. "They have to make do since they can't just wave their wands and make their problems disappear.”
"Ah, if only it were that easy." Mr. Weasley looked at her with a smile. "How are you, Kari?"
She mulled the question over in her mind, turning it over like it was a curious-looking pebble. "I don't know," she said honestly. "Some days are better than others. I'm afraid that going back will make it worse.”
He nodded. "I can appreciate that. I hope you know you have a family with us. I daresay all of my children are rather fond of you, and I would be lying if I didn't include myself in that category.”
She blushed, thinking of the Weasleys. Ron had written to her throughout the summer, silly updates that were mundane and useless. It was a tether to a world she was scared to return to, but not a frightening one.
George had also written to her, a cautious note expressing his condolences and ending with his hope that he could make her laugh soon.
That was a relationship that seemed so impossible now, as this grief still coiled itself around her and reared its head whenever she least expected it. It was such a childish thing, crushes and infatuation, and she was worried how it would change their friendship.
Everything felt so different now. A before and after she did not ask for, but could not help but compare. Before, her return to the Burrow would have kept her up the night before as she counted down the minutes until she left.
Now, with the death of her father serving as a reminder that those she loved were not untouchable, the idea of coming to care for another while a war raged on was terrifying.
How to explain that to someone who cared for her, perhaps more than she now cared for anyone?
Even Harry's letters to her felt odd, and though she did not blame him for Sirius' death, she knew her words were not enough. And with that, she could not do more but reply with the bare minimum, even though she knew how it would hurt him.
She felt so careless and found no way to care.
A beat too long, she realized she had not replied to his word, and she blushed. "All of you have been so kind to me," she whispered, brushing away tufts of dandelions that had somehow peppered their way onto her jeans. "I don't think I'd be as sane as I am if your brood hadn't grounded me.”
Mr. Weasley let out a soft chuckle. "I don't think anyone has ever used such kind words when describing my children. You are a balm to them all, I think.”
"Well, that can't be true," she quipped with a grin that felt on her face. The lack of use of the muscles felt foreign.
"Give it time," said Mr. Weasley in a mock somber voice, petting her arm gently. "Now! Shall we head back to your house? Your mother promised me the spaghetti, and I daresay I am rather I am looking forward to it.”
A smile played on her lips as she turned back to the house. "Just wait until you try her cheesy bread. I swear she put some sort of forbidden magic on it. I fantasize about it while I'm at Hogwarts.”
By the time dinner had ended and Mr. Weasley had somehow been charmed even further by the Moores, Kari's belly felt full and her heart even fuller. She allowed her mother and father to kiss her on the forehead, fond farewells she could not reciprocate, as she began to compartmentalize her feelings as she gathered her armor to face yet another year. She could not falter in whatever came next, and her love for her family would be a weakness. The sooner she could put distance between them and that, the better it would be for everyone.
"Kari," her brother wailed as he flung himself towards her. She caught him just in time, his sturdy body nearly knocking her back. "Be good, I'll be good. I go with you.”
An emotion she did not recognize lodged in her throat, and she peeled him off her with a watery smile. "You need to be here," she told him sternly as she cocked an eyebrow at him. "You remember what I told you?”
"I protect," he murmured somberly. She did not miss the way her parents glanced at each other, concern flying plainly on their faces.
She had not even begun to scrape at the surface, would never dare to ruin this pure soul. Not that they knew this - they had only seen the damaged, broken girl who had come back to them, a ghost of herself and nothing like the girl they had sent off.
She would never allow this little boy to be near an ounce of her sorrow.
With a nod and quick flick of her finger, she smoothed away the tears from his face. "You be good, kiddo. I'll be back before you know it.”
A lie, but one that quieted him down as he took his place next to his parents. Kari forced herself to smile, for the last thing they would see as she was transported away was a smile on her face, no matter how unnatural it felt.
When she opened her eyes, the homey Burrow pulled her in. She stepped out of the fireplace with a sigh, pulling her trunk behind her.
"Let me help with that.”
George. Before she could protest, he reached for it and set it aside. He hesitated only a second before he pulled her into a bone-crushing hug, breathing deeply as he did so.
Everything seemed to right itself with this hug. Her axis that had felt off since Sirius' death seemed to align, and Kari wrapped her arms around him, her fingers digging into his back. And then, surprising her, a sob ripped through her chest.
He held her while she cried, nodding at his father as he stepped through the fireplace as well. Mr. Weasley's eyes saddened at the sight before him, but he walked away, motioning for his wife to follow when she popped into the kitchen at the sound of Kari's sorrow.
The hour was late, and sleep had long claimed the occupants of the house. George guided her to the living room, lowering both of them down on the couch as gently as he could. Kari wrapped her legs around herself, still clinging to him. "I'm sorry," she said at last as she came up for air. Her face was splotchy and her nose red. “It just keeps happening.”
George brushed a stray tear that clung to her lash. "And here I thought you were so overcome by seeing me that it prompted that reaction. Now I don't feel special.”
She hiccuped a broken laugh. "Brat.”
"Always," he said with a grin. "I've missed you.”
Panic fluttered somewhere in her belly, but she pushed it away. "I've missed you all, too."
He didn't point out that she'd included everyone else when he hadn't. George sighed, a sound so wistful she peered up at him. "Tired?”
"Yes," she lied. "I haven't been sleeping well.”
"You never sleep well," he teased.
Kari chuckled, remembering their late rendezvous in the Common Room. "Sadly, the progress on that has not gotten better. My brain won't shut off.”
George frowned. "You need to rest.”
"I know," she whispered, yet another failure out of her reach.
He motioned for her to stand, placing his hand on the small of her back when she swayed. With a gentleness that stirred something in her, he guided her up the stairs, pausing only to grab her trunk. Outside of the room she'd share with Hermione, he tucked a loose wave of hair behind her ear and sighed. "My goal while you're here is to make you smile.”
Obediently, she curved her lips upward. The thought of him here, all the time, when she'd thought he'd be gone, was too much for her to vocalize.
"A real smile," he said playfully as he tapped her nose. "Now get in there and try to get some sleep.”
She did as he ordered without protesting and went through the motions of getting ready for bed. Once she'd brushed her teeth and hair, she stared at the empty bed that awaited her and swallowed.
Climbing into it seemed daunting.
Without thinking, she turned towards the bed where Hermione lay and lifted the covers, pushing her friend over slightly as she climbed in. Hermione mumbled sleepily, protesting.
"I don't want to be alone," Kari whispered.
Hermione's eye opened a crack before opening her arm so Kari could settle into her. "You're lucky I like you so much.”
A smile, a genuine one, flitted across Kari's face. "I am," she agreed as she settled in for the night and fell asleep instantly.