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“Momma, it’s not that bad!” I complained, looking over the clothing strewn across my room, “It’s been like this since I moved out; what’s the big deal now?” My mother, leaning against the doorway to my childhood room, is a stern woman who was grinning at me and shaking her head. “It’s been nearly ten years.”
She sucked her teeth and nodded before her eyes flickered to my room, dark clothing thrown about and left in the places they fell the day I left, “Yes, but now we’re having company. Male company. Very handsome male company.” I felt my face heat up and I groaned, falling against the doorframe directly opposite of where my mom was leaning.
“It’s just Dominick!” She brushed her dark, curly hair out of her face before patting the side of mine.
“If it was just Dominick, it would be Detective Carisi. Remember who you’re talking to, Sawyer. I know you better than you think.” And she turned and made her way down the hallway, where I could hear Elizabeth giggling on the phone with someone. She was nearly fifteen years old already and I felt ancient, back creaking at only twenty eight ripe years on my shoulders. Nevertheless, I began to pick up my room, walls red as blood with faded, ripped band posters covering most of the open space, because my mother was scary.
Even as a fully functional adult, I was terrified of my Momma.
And terrified of the whole squad ending up at my house. Dominick, of course, was showing up an hour early to prepare some of his grandmother’s recipes, so I had very little time to make myself presentable. I tried not to dwell on what to wear after I was done cleaning and, oh, gosh, my floor was hardwood, but I still ended up in front of my closet in nothing but my black, tight fitting boxers that held my packer in place.
I tried not to look in the full body mirror, tried not to see the scars that marred my chest under each pec, but as I grabbed and old My Chem t-shirt, I had to. I had to watch them stretch and bend as I raised my arms to pull the shirt over my head, had to watch them disappear behind the fabric. I decided on the loose shirt with a skeleton motorcycle rider before grabbing a pair of black skinny jeans I hadn't worn in nearly seven years. They still fit but when I turned to the side I gasped and flushed.
When I was a teenager, packers weren’t my thing. I wasn’t out as nonbinary then, so what was the point? But when I was older I never went a day without attaching my detatchable penis and the bulge apparent in the skinny jeans of teen-me proved that.
I just shrugged and grabbed some socks and converse, trying to put together some semblance of a casual outfit. Dominick would be there in ten minutes and I wasn’t on any level ready. My door slammed open just as I was tying my left shoe, curled up on the floor, and my older brother burst in and tossed something on my inky bedsheets.
“Take a look at that, I’ll be right back!” And then he took back off into the hallway. I could hear his girlfriend, Tyler, milling around with her teenager, Bailey, downstairs but what had Jonathan tossed onto my bed?
I stood and stretched, approaching with caution. But then I furrowed my brows. A pregnancy test? What?
Jonathan jogged back into my room, grinning and red faced. “You have a friend downstairs,” He said, swiping up the stick. An idea dawned on him, “I’ll give you fifty bucks if you hand this to your Mom and tell her you need to talk.” I scoffed as I inspected the positive sign on the test.
“Hell no, JoJo. I like my face the way it is, thank you.” I grinned at him, “So you got Tyler pregnant, did you?” And he grinned back, nodding and leaving my room. Excitement welled in my gut- I was going to be an Uncle! Probably the best damn Uncle in the world.
After Jonathan had been gone for a few moments I bounded out the door after him, down the steps where I saw Dominick standing awkwardly in the doorway as my sister stared slack jawed at him, still with her cell to her ear.
“Pick up your damn jaw, Lizzie,” I ribbed her, taking Dominick in for a hug, “Guess what, Dom.” I glanced over my shoulder to watch as Elizabeth made her way deeper into the living room, her voice running a million miles an hour.
Dominick gave up before he even guessed, so I had to blurt it out in a whisper, “I’m going to be an Uncle! I mean, I already sorta was with Bailey and all, but holy shit, this kid’s gonna be related to me. But not really, but closer related than Bailey!” And it all came out so fast, but then Dominickwas grasping me in a tight hug, congratulating me through a thick accent. On relfec I grabbed his hand to tug him to the kitchen, where my Momma, brother, step-father and Tyler had congregated, Bailey slipping from the room to find Elizabeth, her aunt by barely a year senior.
My Momma looked like she was going to pass out but my stepfather, Jonathan Senior, was leaning smugly against the counter, trying to eyeball Tyler’s stomach. Dominick stumbled into the room after me, a grin lighting up both of our faces.
“I want to babysit.” I declared and Tyler looked over at me, grinning, “I am going to be the best damn uncle ever. The cool uncle. The wine uncle.” Everyone bit out a laugh and Jonathan pointed at me.
“You can be the wine uncle after this baby leaves your house. Don’t get drunk on the job.” And I grinned at him, saluting. “Are you going to introduce us? I know we showed you up, bringing your facy Manhattan squad and all, but still, Sawyer.”
I snorted, “This is Detective Dominick Carisi,” I introduced, and then I pointed to each of my family members in turn, rattling off their names, “You can call those two Mom and Jon, though. They won’t care.”
Dominick shook all of their hands, “Call me Sonny.”
“Nobody else does.” He turned to me and smirked.
“I keep hoping if I introduce myself as Sonny enough times somebody will.” My mother nodded and grinned and I felt relief wash through me because, out of all the members of my squad, I was most worried about her meeting Dominick.
“I applaud you for your diligence, Sonny,” She emphasized the nickname, “But I’ll applaud you for your cooking skills more. Everybody, out!” And we scattered, leaving poor Dominick with my mother. JoJo, Jon, Tyler and I knew better than to defy her because she was a strong German woman who wouldn’t take no for an answer. Tyler went to find Elizabeth and Bailey, both sitting in front of the television watching some procedural cop show that was wildly inaccurate, and Jo went to the garage. That left JoJo and I to talk, something we hadn’t done in awhile. When the doorbell rang, signalling the arrival of my other squad members, I jumped up from where I was leaning against he wall and bounded to open the door.
“Come in,” I cheered, accepting the bottle of very expensive wine from Barba, “Good, you brought booze; we have a celebration tonight!”
---
The fire was dimming and everyone was buzzed. My parents, niece and sister had gone to bed a long time prior; JoJo and Tyler followed them shortly after. I was still happily nursing a glass of wine, staring into the fire and musing how I was going to spoil my nephew.
Olivia was the first to bring it up again, after we had talked and laughed about it at dinner, “Do they know what they’re having?” And I nodded because JoJo had filled me in before she arrived.
“A boy,” I grinned, unable to help myself and Dominick nudges my ribs with his elbow, also grinning, “They’re going to name him Christopher. I’ve already started calling him Topher in my mind.”
Fin, who was sitting on my other side, clapped a hand on my back, “I never saw you as the type who liked kids, Lamb.” I snorted, polishing off my third glass of wine.
“That’s where you’re wrong, Finny. My Mom had Lizzie when I was fourteen and since then I’ve been waiting for a niece or nephew. I thought I got lucky when JoJo bagged a girl with a kid, but now he’s gonna be a father? I thought it was going to be Jared, honestly.” Dominick quirked an eyebrow, the next person to speak.
“Who’s Jared?” And speak of the devil, my hulking, dark haired, dark skinned brother, came loping around the corner of my house, toward the fire.
“I’m Jared!” He called, grinning, “Who’re you?” I gasped and leapt up, overturning Dominick’s wine glass in the process.
“Jared!” I flung myself at him and we hugged it out, “Holy shit, I thought you couldn’t make it tonight!” He laughed and kissed my temple.
“Well, your Mom called and said you were having your coworkers over and I just had to see the New York cops you work with. Bet they’re nothing like in California.” I groaned, tossing my head back, “Yeah, I know. I’m still living with that fuck face, but it’s free food and shit, so who am I to complain?”
I just shook my head, trying to get the thought of my biological father out of my head, before introducing Jared to my co workers.
“Wait, I’m really confused,” Rollins spoke up, arms wrapped around herself in the cool, country air, “Is he not related to JoJo?” Jared and I laughed, joining the group.
“Jared’s my half brother, JoJo’s my stepbrother and Lizzie’s my half sister.”
“Different mother’s for all four of us,” Jared snatched Dominick’s beer bottle, downing the rest of it, “Our parent’s were messes.”
“Wait,” Dominick held up a hand, not even angry at my brother for stealing his booze, “I’m still lost.” I sighed and set a hand on his shoulder.
“Jared and I have the same father, different mothers. JoJo’s dad married my mom. Lizzie and I share a mother, different fathers.” He nodded slowly, brows furrowed and I tossed my head back to laugh.
“What about Thomas?” Mike spoke up from across the fire, “The real lanky kid who brings us food sometimes?” I nodded, ducking my head.
“He’s my cousin, actually, but we raised him from the time he was born. It was either that or the foster system and, to be frank, my family has seen the system fail to much to have any faith.” Barba, who understood what I was talking about, just nodded while Jared vocalized.
“You and I know better than most, little brother.” I reached around Dominick to pat Jared on the back, nodding and trying not to think about what we went through together. He smiled at me and grabbed a beer that Mike was holding out to him. He took a deep pull and ended up staring into the fire, making small talk with my squad.
---
My bed was just as comfortable as I remembered but as I was driving back to Manhattan. Dominick was in the passenger seat, half asleep and unable to talk to me to keep me occupied. I decided to speak, “I’m so ready for Topher to be born.”
He perked up, rubbing his eyes, “I’m happy for you, Sawyer.” He grinned, “There’s nothing better than being an uncle. I love it.” I looked over for a moment and grinned along with him.
“I’m excited. I mean Bailey is like my niece already, but it’s different. Topher is going to be more related to me than she could be, even though it’s going to feel like the same.” Dominick nodded like he understood and maybe he did. He didn’t reply, though, merely leaning against the door and looking at me. I glanced over at him every once in awhile, trying to keep my eyes on the road and drive through traffic without killing us, but I couldn’t keep an eye on him and drive safely. “What’re you looking at, Dom?” He shifted, uncomfortable at the mention of the attention he was giving you.
“You,” He answered, honestly, “You look different. Happy.”
“Relaxed,” I turned on my blinker and slowed down for my exit, “That’s the difference. I haven’t seen my family face to face in nearly five years. It’s not every Friday that you can drive to Kentucky.” He nodded and leaned farther into the door, crossing his arms. I sighed and scratched my face, just to have something to do. “Thank you, for coming, by the way. You didn’t have to; especially since you took the bus.” But he just waved me off.
“Naw, it’s okay. I wanted to meet your family. You can only truly see who a man is when he’s around his family.” I smiled and took my eyes off of the road to look at Dominick, stopped at a red light.
“I guess I need to meet your family, since you’ve met Meine Familie.” He quirked an eyebrow and I shrugged, “My mother taught me German when I was very little. I always end up going back to it after visiting.” Making another turn, I was relieved to see Dominick’s apartment building. “You’re home.”
He smiled and sat up, stretching and patting me on the shoulder, hand staying on my skin a little too long, holding a little too tight. I smiled at him, and sighed, reaching over to wrap him up in a hug, “Thank you again for going with me, Dominick. My mother adored you and my brother’s actually liked you. You didn’t have to come, none of you did, and all of you did. Thank you.” Dominick smiled into my neck and then pulled away, sighing.
“It’s really fine,” He said again, “Just as long as you’re happy and relaxed.”