Chapter Text
lewis hamilton: the unwitting host. he's only hosting because no one else wants to, and he's already stocked. as a tasteful smoker, lewis has plenty of joints, a vintage zippo, a handmade ceramic ashtray, and all his eighths cost $50. each. he's going to split one-half of a yuki tsunoda nightmare brownie (tm) with george and spend the rest of the night smoking his beautiful, self-rolled joints. the whole night, he will be using his $500 vinyl record player to listen to my bloody valentine and the strokes. he will begin waxing philosophical and political around 11:30pm. he will quote bell hooks' all about love. is it a brocedes reference? maybe. maybe not.
yuki tsunoda: no one asked him to bring the brownies. he just did because he put way too much cannabutter into them and thought it would be funny. george doesn't really know why anyone trusted yuki to put a reasonable amount of weed into the brownies. they hit everyone—especially max—like a semi-truck on the autobahn. yuki keeps on running around in a pikachu onesie, offering "just one more" to everyone. he will order $300 of taco bell from doordash at 2am. he will remember none of it. he will eat all of it at 6am the next morning, cold.
max verstappen: max overestimates the amount of weed he can handle. by a lot. it's his first time, too. he eats three yuki tsunoda brownies in twenty minutes, despite everyone telling him not to. thirty minutes later, he'll be lying on the floor with his head in charles' lap like a victorian child dying of consumption. he's muttering something about "time passes so slow" and "i can feel my teeth aging". charles doesn't understand, but he strokes max's hair in an attempt to comfort him. yuki will ask fernando, "sensei. did i put too much weed in the brownies?" fernando will respond, "no. he put too much verstappen in himself."
charles leclerc: unlike max, charles is going to pace himself. still, his tolerance is low and his ferrari-induced depression is high. he calculates his pole-to-win ratio over the course of forty-five minutes. he sobs profusely. lando convinces him to hotbox the bathroom around midnight. yuki will peer pressure him into eating three more brownies. after that, he will watch a video of baby turtles hatching. he will cry even more profusely. he will hug everyone in the room and say, "we are all each other."
lando norris: lando pulled up fully prepared. he brought his biggest bong—which is at least half his height—and a duffle bag full of snacks. his bong is giant, neon green, and has led lights blinking constantly on it. out of everyone, he's definitely having the best time. he will hotbox the bathroom while listening to pre-ivermectin joe rogan on 1.5x speed. oscar will try to seek comfort from him, but lando is too busy astral projecting. however, lando is not an edibles guy. he will try a brownie for the first time around 11pm and it will be game over after that. he and oscar will be holding each other. he will ask oscar "do people only like me because i'm funny?" they will descend into parallel existential crises.
oscar piastri: it's also his first time, but unlike max, oscar does not have an ego the size of australia and eats one brownie over the course of thirty minutes. still, the yuki tsunoda brownie hits hard. like, really hard. he will go from "i'm good" to "oh dear god" in about ten minutes and will have to lie down (he stays horizontal for the rest of the night). he keeps asking if his arms are still attached and asks lando (astral projecting) to hold his hand. he calls his mom and leaves her a six-minute long voicemail on the meaning of life and if god exists.
carlos sainz: carlos pulled up thirty minutes late with a bottle of wine and a packet of m&ms, entirely for himself. he thinks the protein shake he drank before will keep him steady, but he is absolutely gone within the hour. still, he's doing better than pretty much anyone else, so he and lewis facetime fernando alonso so fernando can laugh for five minutes straight at the tears trickling down oscar's cheeks (oscar misses the scent of eucalyptus and wants to know why we smell things). of course, fernando has been smoking since the nineties and enjoys watching these amateurs. carlos will then proceed to facetime his ex and beg them to get back together until lewis steals his phone.
george russell: george is the only sane one in the whole group. he even brought liquid i.v. he saw yuki come in with an evil smirk and a plate piled with brownies and went "fuck no". he splits a brownie with lewis and smokes a few pre-rolls and is chilling. he live insta-stories the whole thing to 200k followers. he also brought his muji notebook and is doodling stick figures of the group with a uniball one p. the high? chill. the vibes? immaculate.
daniel ricciardo: daniel just... shows up. no one invited him. lewis knows he's never given daniel in address. how did he get here? but he rolls up on a bike, in tattered birkenstocks and a hawaiian shirt that has seen things. he's carrying a dispo the size of a vape store's rent, with probably 12k puffs in it. everyone else thought those things were only for nic, but daniel starts ripping insane blinkers and the air is so choked with weed everyone gets a powerful secondary high. he brought his own backpack full of snacks, specifically, hot cheetos and dried mangoes. max asks, "who invited you?" daniel replies, "you think the void needs an invitation, maxy?" he brought henna. lando wakes up the next morning with "i <3 danny ric" on his stomach.