Archive of Our Own

“Gentlemen, we gather here tonight to discuss an alarming new discovery with the potential to disrupt Dethklok’s upcoming album and their entire way of life as we know it,” Senator Stampingston announced gravely to the Tribunal.

“Our inside sources have uncovered a disturbing piece of amateur Dethklok artwork, known colloquially as fanfiction. It appears that this particular work of fanfiction has already reached thousands of readers globally.”

“Good God,” General Crozier muttered in his gravelly voice. “That’s far more powerful than we thought.”

“So far Dethklok is blissfully unaware of the raw power of this fanfiction, and we would like to keep it that way. Should they learn of its existence, Dethklok may begin changing their behavior. They may even begin acting in accordance with the fanfiction. Here to explain the role of authorship in fan communities is our resident fandom expert, Dr. Mary Sue. Doctor?”

“Thank you Senator. In my 16 year service I have become deeply embedded within the kaleidoscopic pastiche that is the Dethklok fandom. It is a fandom of great contradictions and constant turmoil. For as long as I can remember fans have been using fanfiction as a trusted method of creating scenarios and relationships within the band that may or may not be viable. The fanfiction in question is called My Dethklok. It is written by a 15-year old girl from Boston. We have been able to zero in on her location, and we are keeping eyes and ears on her.”

“Where is the publication hosted? Maybe we can crash the platform,” Crozier suggested.

“It’s published on a website called Archive of Our Own.”

“Otherwise known as AO3,” hissed Salacia.

“We haven’t prepared for an AO3 incident of this magnitude!” exclaimed Crozier.

Salacia drew in a long breath. “We cannot interfere with the publication of this fanfiction. To do so might cause a catastrophic fan event. For now, gentlemen, we watch and wait.”

…

It was a rather serene scene at Mordhaus for a change. The boys had plunked themselves down in the hot tub and settled down for a long night of mixed drinks and tv. Toki channel-surfed over to Ghost Adventures, their favorite show. Nathan sipped his mai tai and closed his eyes. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this peaceful. With his bandmates by his side, the last thing he wanted to think about was the new album. That is, until Charles barged in, looking like he had murder on his mind.

“Nope, get this guy the fuck outta here,” Murderface cried, rising halfway from the hot tub.

“I don’t want to hear any bad news, good news, or news of any kind. The only thing I want to hear about right now is whose ghost is living in this abandoned mental asylum.”

Like everyone else, Charles ignored Murderface. He came straight over to the hottub. Nathan’s heart sank. What could it possibly be now? He saw Charles was holding a laptop.

“I need you all out of the hottub and seated at the table immediately. This is not a drill.”

With a collective groan, the bandmates extricated themselves from their happy place and met Charles around the table. “This better be important,” Nathan said.

“We haven’t seen this episode yet and I’ve been really looking forward to it.”

Charles took his seat at the head of the table. One by one, he met their hostile gazes. Charles cleared his throat.

“Uh, I gathered you here today to bring an eye-opening new development to your attention.” Crickets all around.

“As I’m sure you’re aware by now, your fans have the ability to write and share original online stories about the band, without a profit incentive. This is called fanfiction.”

The table erupted into outroar, although Charles wasn’t sure they understood. Skwisgaar blanched.

“What are they doing writing fanfictions when they haves the real things?”

Toki squirmed in his seat.

“You don’t understands, Skwisgaar. They do it because they loves us and they wants to write stories where we lives happily ever after.”

Charles coughed, his face reddening in secondhand embarrassment. He didn’t really want to show them, but it was a crucial function of his job to keep Dethklok informed about every aspect of their reputation.

“Well, Toki, actually a lot of this does have to do with you. I have to show you this, not because I think you’ll like it, but because you’re all involved.”

They crowded around the laptop, Charles gently scrolling through the long fanfiction open on the screen. Nathan touched the screen
“Wait, stop right there. That’s my name.”
Charles stopped scrolling.
“To save you some time, I took the liberty of reading the entire work last night. I can tell you what the story contains, but I can’t promise you it’s going to be pretty.”

“Lay it on us,” said Pickle with a tremor in his voice.

Charles took a deep breath. “Nathan first. Within the story you are dating the self-insert author character.”

“Well that’s not too bad. I bet she has nice tits,” said Nathan thoughtfully.

“Well, she’s a 15-year old girl, and I don’t think that’s exactly legal in real life,” admitted Charles.

Nathan looked chagrined.

“No, I can’t date a teenager. Bummer.”

“It gets worse from there. Toki, Skwisgaar, I hate to tell you this, but you’re deeply involved in a graphic sexual relationship that spans several chapters.”

Skwisgaar got up from the table. “Fuck this, I’m outs,” he announced.
Charles held him back. “You have to hear this because thousands of fans have already read this fanfiction. They may even be expecting homosexual behavior from you two at this point.”

Toki looked like he was the only one enjoying himself.
“What sounds so bad about thats? Everybody loves a good slow burn enemies to lovers.”

Skwisgaar just stared at him, slowly shaking his head. “How can they expect me to be in a relationship with someones who barely knows how to ties his own shoes?”

Charles rubbed his hands over his face. It had been a long day, and it was getting to be an even longer night. “Skwisgaar, please be nice to Toki. Remember, none of you had a part in writing this fanfiction. This is a work of make-believe, of fiction.”

“That doesn’t mean that we have to like it,” Nathan grunted.

“I didn’t say you had to like it, I’m just giving you the facts,” Charles said exasperatedly.

“And I think you need to know that Skwisgaar, ugh, impregnates Toki. They carry the baby to term and he becomes a new member of Dethklok.”

The table erupted. Skwisgaar looked as if he were about to faint, and Toki started belly laughing, a hiccuping contagious laugh that soon had everyone in stitches.

“I dunno, I thinks it’s kind of cutes. We get to be the gays fathers togethers,” said Toki sweetly.

“You tries any of that and I will cuts you,” Skwisgaar said through his teeth, begrudgingly joining in the laughter.

Charles continued once he could hear himself talk. “Pickles, you actually have an amazing redemption arc where you quit using illegal susbtances and alcohol to ply your conscience, instead turning to healthier ways of coping.”

Pickles sipped his drink and appeared to give Charles’s words a moment’s thought. “Yeah, nice but it ain’t gonna happen.”

Nathan nudged Pickles in the ribs. “What, you’re not gonna have your come-to-Jesus moment?”

“No, I think for now I’ll stay on a liquid diet. Never steered me wrong before.”

Charles closed the laptop. “Now that you’re aware of this fanfiction, keep in mind that any random fan off the street might have read this and received some misinformation.”

Nathan chuckled darkly. “Yeah, I’ll keep an eye on Toki and Skwisgaar and make sure they’re not having unprotected sex.”

“Fucks you,” Skwisgaar said with a beet red face, but at least he was smiling.

Murderface piped up. “Charles, I think you forgot one key person here. Perchance is there anything about me in that story of yours?”

“Actually no, Murderface. You can count yourself lucky that you are not mentioned once in the entire work.”

Murderface visibly deflated. “Ah, oh well. Maybe next time I’ll write my own fanfiction, and I’ll be King of Dethklok, and everybody has to look up to me and kiss my ass.”

“Maybe next time,” Charles agreed, and breathed a sigh of relief knowing that the boy were exposed to the wonderful world of fanfiction.