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It had been a few hours since the camera had cut and the crew had retired to their house down the road. The other members had taken themselves to various places in the vacation home. Taki, Maki, and Harua went to the smaller house for some karaoke; Jo and Yuma had gone to their beds for the night (though they were more likely in on bed together than the two separate beds); Kei had gone to shower; and Fuma was left to his own devices on the couch.
This was something that the nine of them had needed. A break. They needed a break after a bust spring that bled into a busier summer. They were all worn thin, and this had been a much-needed recharge for the group before the fall and winter that they had already started working on came like a storm.
The last two members were outside next to the pool. Nicholas, with his feet dipped in, the roll of his pants making his legs tingle ever so slightly. Meanwhile, Euijoo had taken a different approach; he perched himself on a lounger chair. His legs were all sprawled out to stretch his worn-out muscles. It was nice when it was just the two of them.
Amidst all the commotion of comebacks and tours, the pair haven't had the time to just be with each other. It had either been the nine of the members together–though they would never trade that for the world–and in those moments they had craved to be with one another. Just the two of them, no staff, no members, and essentially no schedules to take up their time.
The soft summer sound of cicadas buzzes in the peaceful silence that sticks between them like their hair to the back of their necks.
“I’ve missed this,” Euijoo sighs from his chair. Nicholas knows what he’s talking about, but there is a part of him that wants to hear his boyfriend express what he really means, no cryptics to hide his feelings.
“Missed what? The summer? I don’t see why you would, it's hot and everything is sticky,” Nicholas whines, a smirk present on his face. It's fun to toy with Euijoo, Nicholas thinks.
Euijoo–an expert in the art of Nicholas and his ways–knows the game Nicholas is trying to play. He’ll give in tonight, “I’ve missed you. This. Us,” he gestures between them, the ‘us’ slipping out ever so quietly.
Nicholas, not expecting Euijoo’s surrender, sits up and turns around. Their eyes lock, and Nicholas can see the softness in Euijoos' big brown eyes. He sees the boy he fell in love with during that awkward period of time.
The period of time where two boys who had spent months together in a box in the middle of the woods, who never spared a glance at each other and had said hello more than they could have counted.
The period of time where they were both lost and angry at the world (and undoubtedly themselves), even though they had gotten another shot. Nicholas sees the Euijoo that expressed his deepest concerns over a shared box of fried chicken. The same Euijoo who had said he would give everything to make his silly dream come true. Nicholas would then tell him that the dream wasn't silly, that he had the same goals.
Nicholas, that night, had spilled himself too, like ink in a pot, telling Euijoo his thoughts of giving up, that if Japan didn't work out like Korea had, he would be on the next flight back to Taiwan. He told him that he would have likely dropped dancing altogether and would go to college and try to catch up with his friends, who had a more attainable goal.
Euijoo told Nicholas that his dream was achievable, too, and that they would debut. Together.
Eventually, something deeper had sailed between the two, but it tragically got lost in the sea of the audition, though it had been brought back to shore a few weeks into their debut.
Nicholas pushes himself off the ground and sits on the foot of the lounger Euijoo is on, carefully avoiding his feet. “I’ve missed you, too,” he confesses. The air goes still between them, “I’m sorry for neglecting you. I’ll try harder.”
Euijoo’s eyes widened at the sudden confession. They both had the mutual understanding that an “I miss you” meant something else. In the literal sense, they were always around each other, so it was never something physical.
They can get away with a certain amount of skinship off camera and even more on camera before the member or the fans begin to raise eyebrows. Someday, when things were extra hard for one or the other, they would feed the fan with ‘nichojoo’ content, but it was really filling the gap in their hearts.
However, this wasn't about that. This was about the nights when Euijoo wouldn't receive a goodnight text from Nicholas since they didn't get to the room together. This was about the countless dinner invitations and the constant rejections that followed due to a busy schedule. Truthfully, it was about all the small things that wouldn't matter to the normal person but mattered the world to them because those small, trivial moments were sometimes all that they had with each other.
It was really neither of their faults; they had just been busy. Always stuck in the recording studio, making the lines perfect, drilling the moves to their newest dance deep into their muscles, or they were stuck in meetings, learning new things to apply to their lives. They were just busy being idols.
They don’t blame each other, because they both know that this was the price they would pay for their dreams. Loving someone when you're an idol is a tricky thing. You have to toe the line of both private and secret; private to those close to you, secret to everyone else.
Sometimes they can play it off as being best friends, platonic soulmates, but there will always be the sting of hiding who they truly are. There's always the pain of being hidden by the one you love.
So on a deeper level, “I miss you” means they missed being seen by one another, not as a band member, not as someone who happens to work in the same company, but as a person. As a boyfriend. As a partner in life.
“It’s not your fault, Nichol.” Euijoo grabs his hand, not even caring to check for anyone around them; Nicholas was more important than that right now. “We’ve been busy, I get that and you know that. I’ll never be mad at you for putting your dream first, just like you won’t ever be mad at me for that,” Euijoo smiles softly at his boyfriend, who pouts awfully much like a cat. It’s cute. Not the time, Euijoo.
Nicholas sniffles, “I know. I just feel bad. I should be there for you, like you're there for me. Even if it's under the guise of a leader,” he gives Euijoo’s hand a squeeze. It's soft, just like Euijoo.
Euijoo softly sighs, “I know. I wish I could be there as your boyfriend rather than a leader. But you know how much this means to both of us.” And Nicholas does, he really does.
When they had both started dating, they told each other and made sure that they understood that the idol life came first. At least for now. As the company had said, the first five years were crucial. If no one knew you by the end of year one, really, you weren't gonna make it to the second. So if no one knows you by the end of year five, you can kiss the idol dream goodbye.
They were almost out of it, though, just a little under three years to go. In the two years since their debut, they've completed two tours and had many releases, all of which have showcased the group's exponential growth. They can do this, they said. Together. But despite putting the idol life first, the two of them have managed to make each other equally important as well.
In the midst of emotions, Nicholas pushes Euijoo’s legs open and plops himself right between them like a cat coming ot their owner. He tucks his head into the crook of Euijoo’s neck, letting his breath softly hit his skin. His lips pucker, and they plant a soft kiss on his neck. Nothing with sexual tension, more so something to calm both himself and Euijoo.
“You’re perfect to me. You’re the best thing I could have ever asked for. Even if you can’t be there for me all the time, you’re still you. You're still my silly cat, you're still a person who cares for me on the same level my mom does, you love me for who I am, and that’s all I could ever ask for,” Euijoo places a soft kiss on Nicholas’ crown. He lets his hands rest delicately on his back, holding Nicholas close to him as if he were going to slip away.
“I love you,” Nicholas whispers, though it's so quiet Euijoo almost misses it. Euijoo squeezes his arms a little tighter around Nichoals. Silently telling him, I won't let you go.
“I love you more,” Euijoo says, “and I’ll always love you.” The two lay on the chair as the sun set fully behind the skyline now, the moon welcoming and gracing the darkness with her light. They don’t move, both afraid that the other will disappear. If another member happens to walk by, no one says a thing. That's for another day.