Work Text:
The last thing Jensen expected to run into when he entered Jared’s apartment was finding the man in tears. While the apartment was no stranger to crying, it usually came from its newest residents rather than his boyfriend.
Jared’s tears weren’t the weepy emotional type, they were more heart wrenching and frustrated. His face was tense with conflict and he fell onto the couch with a heavy sigh, cradling his head in his hands.
Jensen didn’t quite know how to proceed. In all his time knowing Jared, he had never actually seen the man on the cusp of anger. He’s seen panic, fear, and hurt but he had never seen this.
As it turned out, Jared had arranged with a daycare to take the twins during the day so he could continue working for Jensen but they had one stipulation – the girls had to be 6 months old before they were enrolled. This worked out fine because Jared’s mother had intended on coming to stay with him when Jared’s leave was up and the girls were 3 months old. Now retired, it was a trip she was looking forward to. She hadn’t seen much of her grandbabies and intended to take the next 3 months getting to know them.
The plan was perfect. Jared didn’t trust many people with the twins, kept insisting they were too little, but he trusted his mother almost as much as he trusted Jensen with them. Plus, his mother was going to do it for free.
The tears made no sense. Jared’s mom was scheduled to come into town tomorrow and after the weekend he was planning on returning to work as Jensen’s secretary. Somewhere between Jared’s sobs of frustration Jensen deciphered the cause of his boyfriend’s distress.
Jared mother broke her leg.
Badly.
Her doctor wanted her to stay off of it for weeks. The injury had put an immediate and sudden stop to her long planned trip.
Jensen couldn’t figure out what part upset Jared more: the fact that his mother was in pain or that his childcare plan fell to pieces. As the younger man spoke it seemed like all his concerns melded into one very difficult to decipher rant of distress. Apparently, between phone calls to make sure his mother was on the mend, Jared had found time to call around for other daycare options, all of which were either too expensive or totally full up.
Somewhere over the last few months Jensen had become fluent in Jared and was slowly decoding the man’s emotions.
“Shit.” Jared slammed back against the couch, one hand covering his eyes.
Frowning, Jensen came to sit beside the man. Offering Jared a glass of water, he stayed silent while the man took several calming sips. “You know, you don’t have to come back to work on Monday. You can extend you’re leave for as long as you need to. I am sure I can get another temp if Max can’t stay on for an extended period of time.” He let his hand come to rest on Jared’s knee.
Sighing, Jared put the glass down on the coffee table. He covered Jensen’s hand with his own and curled his fingers around it in a quick squeeze. “I appreciate that.” Though he seemed to have calmed down considerably, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “But I have to go back to work Jensen. It has been three months and money is starting to get very tight.”
The torn feeling in Jensen’s gut isn’t anything new; he gets it every time he wishes he could make Jared’s world a better place. The norms of society keep setting off alarm bells in his head, reminding him that he is falling way to hard and much too fast for the younger man in such a short period of time. His daydreams lead him to places where he and Jared are at a comfortable place in their relationship where there are no second guesses and stubborn retaining walls. These dreams make him want to give Jared everything, including supporting Jared and the twins while the man stayed home with them.
Over a year ago, when he used to fantasize about being with Jared, he wished the twins were his. They’re not though, and he knows he has no right to them, but it doesn’t stop him from wanting to give them everything. But he also wouldn’t insult Jared by offering to keep him on the payroll even though he isn’t working. Jared is too proud to accept such an astronomical gift and Jensen admires that in him. Knowing all of this doesn’t change the fact that he still wants to help in any way he can. The problem is that he can’t think of any other ways.
“I know what you are thinking.” Jared yanks on Jensen’s hand and tugs the pensive man against him. It causes the older man to land softly against Jared’s shoulder. “And I appreciate it, but you know I’m going to refuse that offer.”
“I’m being that transparent?” Jensen nudged Jared, pulling away enough to raise an eyebrow at the man.
“You’re always transparent.” Jared smirked. “Well at least to me you are.”
Swallowing hard, Jensen wondered exactly for how long Jared had the ability to read him. The two of them worked so closely and had been spending so much time together so he supposed it was inevitable.
“Besides, I want to go back to work. I like my job. I like seeing you every day.” His eyes grew softer as he met Jensen’s and their lips almost brushed before he pulled away abruptly. Jared put both hands to the side of his head and pressed in on his temples. “Oh God Jensen, what am I going to do? I can’t afford to stay home any longer but paying last minute for someone or someplace to watch two babies almost nullifies my monthly paycheck. I love my girls, but I never planned on having two. I had everything so carefully planned out for one and then when I found out I was having twins….well I knew it would be a lot harder. It took me months to find the perfect place to take care of Ari and Brooke. And with my mom volunteering to help out…it seemed like the only plan that worked. Now I don’t know…I just…I have no idea what I am going to do.” He swung his head towards Jensen and furrowed his brow before shrugging in defeat.
Panicking Jared was less likely to think straight than angry Jared. “Jared, just take a breath and try to calm down for a minute.” Rubbing his fingers in circles over the muscles of Jared’s thigh, he waited for the man to come back down from his thoughts.
Jared let out a slow exhalation and ran a hand though his hair. “I’m sorry. This isn’t your problem. I’m sure I’ll think of something.”
“Really Jared? Are we back to that shit again?” He didn’t mean to react so suddenly, but sometimes Jared’s insecurities got to him. Sighing loudly, Jensen pulled on Jared’s arm hard enough to force the man to face him. “When my boyfriend is in trouble it kind of is my problem. I don’t want to see you or the girls in a tight situation.” Gently reaching out he cupped the side of Jared’s face, “So stop apologizing every time you need to vent or need help. I want to be here for you.” He smiled softly when Jared leaned into his cupped hand more forcefully. “Let me be here for you.”
“You’re too good. Do you know that?” Jared turned his head, letting his lips ghost over Jensen’s palm for a fleeting moment before pulling upright.
“I have flaws.”
“Yeah…okay.” Jared rolled his eyes. “I’ll believe that when I see it.”
Jensen smiled, hoping he never did anything to lower Jared’s opinion of him. “I miss you at work too by the way. Max is doing a good job, but he doesn’t have your people skills. Mrs. Torre practically ate him alive last week...it wasn’t pretty.” His remarks made Jared laugh, the younger man no doubt visualizing his comments. Taking the moment to pull Jared close, he kissed his smiling mouth.
He missed having Jared around for more than his extreme competence. It had been an adjustment coming to work and not seeing Jared’s smiling face or having someone to banter with. Not having Jared around made him spend more time daydreaming about how many hours he had left to put in at the office before he could go home to see Jared.
Pulling back from Jared, he smiled. “Why don’t you just bring the kids to work with you? I mean, they aren’t mobile yet, how much trouble could they be?”
“Really?”
“Really. That way you can come back to work and don’t have to worry about finding care for the girls. It is only for three months.”
“Really?” Jared’s eyes widened and he pulled one leg onto the couch. Without warning he launched himself at Jensen, crowding into his personal space and pressing his lips against the other man’s. He moaned into the kiss before pulling away to give Jensen a look of excitement. “Really?”
Steadying Jared by placing his hands on the man’s hips, Jensen nodded. “Mmmhmm.” He pulled Jared closer, forcing the man to straddle his lap and tilted his head up to capture Jared’s lips again. Reaching up with both hands, Jensen slid them up Jared’s torso and neck before hooking both thumbs on the underside of the man’s jaw and drawing him closer. “Besides, I kinda like having the little munchkins around.” He pressed a kiss to Jared’s lips, tilting his head so that the two molded against each other.
Jared let out a sigh that was a part relief, part sexy. He smiled against Jensen’s lips and locked his hands behind the man’s neck. “See, you are too good.”
“I have inspiration.” Jensen dropped his hands to the small of Jared’s back and pressed him closer, eliminating almost all space between them. He looked up and Jared was grinning, dimples on display, and he knew he would do anything to keep that smile in place. “But you have to do me two things.”
Raising an eyebrow, Jared proceeded with caution. “That depends on what they are.”
“One – stop thinking that I don’t want to be to be a part of your life. That means all the good and the bad stuff.” Jensen knocked his forehead against Jared’s.
“I can’t promise I won’t second guess myself, but I’ll try.” Jared pulled back to lock eyes with Jensen. “What’s next?”
Jensen hesitated, not sure how Jared would react. “I want you to meet my family. And before you freak out about it or worry, I just want to let you know that they will absolutely adore you. They know about the girls and cannot wait to meet them. So, please, please come to lunch at my parent’s house in a few weeks?”
“But…”
Jensen pressed a finger to Jared’s lips. “It’s just lunch.”
Jared pursed his lips and squinted at the older man before letting his mouth return to a smile. “You’re right. It’s just lunch. It doesn’t mean I am any less nervous about it but…yeah. I would love to meet your family.”
“Good.”
Jared’s eyes flashed with uncertainty. “You sure you don’t mind? About bring the girls to the office?”
“I wouldn’t have offered if I minded. Besides, like I said before, how hard could it be?”
***************
How hard could it be? Famous last words.
Three days into Jared bringing the twins to work and Jensen was wondering why he ever thought those words to begin with. When Jared and Jensen were spending time at home the girls had a tendency to monopolize all their time, so why did he think they would be any different in the work place?
Taking care of them wasn’t actually difficult. Nor were the girls misbehaving, well misbehaving as much as a 3 month old could. But it was time consuming.
Was work actually getting done? All whining aside, it actually was. Jared, the most amazing multitasker in the world, had gotten Jensen’s schedule in order in only two days while trying to deal with both twins. But they were working their asses off. Their usual downtimes at the office were filled with feeding, entertaining, and changing the girls. Jensen had once thought that now that he and Jared were officially dating there was mischief they could get into at work, but there was no time for those daydreams now, much to the man’s dismay.
Getting things done that only involved him and Jared was not the problem, it was when anything else had to get done. With clients in the office Arianna and Brooke seemed to know that other people were getting the men’s attention and they did almost anything they could to remedy this problem.
Even this didn’t put too much of a dent in Jensen’s work routine. As he had continually said to Jared, the twins were sort of like 3 week old puppies. Although it had originally resulted in a scowl from Jared, Jensen still felt the same way. Like puppies, the twins were cute, cuddly, and had that adorable baby fat. They needed to be fed every few hours and whined when they weren’t. They weren’t entirely mobile. And, most importantly, people fawned over them. Jensen’s clients just loved cooing over the twins when they came into the office.
As if Jared wasn’t already beloved by the clients, bringing the twins to work just sealed the deal. People were not only happy to have Jared back, solidifying the fact that their appointments would no longer be double booked, but they were happy to dote on the babies. More often than not Jensen found his secretary listening to one of his client’s reminiscence of parenthood.
After five days of work, the men were falling into a routine. They had the girls’ schedules down, but unfortunately those schedules didn’t always coincide with Jensen’s appointment. Jared couldn’t answer phones, deal with clients, and comfort a crying baby all at the same time. Eventually Jensen was spending more time out of his office and in his waiting room to be closer to Jared and the twins. He didn’t mind, almost found it comforting that he and Jared could interact like this, like part of a team. So while taking care of the twins wasn’t actually hard, getting work done was. Jensen’s only rule was that there would be no babies in his office, especially when he was with a client.
4 days later he broke that rule. Jared was off feeding Brooke in the restroom, not wanting to feed her at his desk should any client come in early for his or her appointment. Arianna, left safely in the portable crib that had become a permanent fixture in the office, had started wailing. After months of being around the girls Jensen knew it wasn’t one of her whiney cries. Check his watch, he knew Jared would be gone a while longer. His next appointment, Mrs. Jacobi, wasn’t for 15 more minutes and he figured he could break his rule just this once.
Pushing out of his chair he made his way towards the little girl. Her face was screwed up, cheeks red from crying. “Hey munchkin.”
He quickly scooped her into his arms and made quick work of changing her diaper. Once clean and dry Arianna stopped her fussing, happy to snuggle into Jensen’s arms. Checking his watch again, Jensen retreated to his office to plop down in his chair, keeping Arianna cradled against his chest. Subconsciously he dropped a kiss to Arianna’s soft hair as he flipped through Mrs. Jacobi’s file. So concentrated on the file was he that he didn’t hear his office’s main door open, which is why finding his client standing at the entrance to his office surprised him.
“Hello? Mr. Ackles?”
Jensen jumped, his head shooting up towards the middle aged woman at his door. “Oh, Rita! I’m sorry, you startled me.” He motioned for the woman to enter the room. Arianna was happily sucking on her fist, and since she was always content to be in the man’s arms Jensen was certain she would be well behaved for the entire appointment.
“I didn’t mean to. I just didn’t see anyone in the waiting room. I know I am a little early for our appointment but I wasn’t sure if we were meeting at 2:15 or 2:30. Better safe than sorry.” She smiled and then her eyes focused on Arianna. “Oh my goodness. What a sweet little angel.” She stepped into the room and her smile grew. Leaning down she winked at the baby and ran a thumb over one chubby cheek. “She is gorgeous. Is she yours?”
“Arianna?” Jensen cocked his head to the side and widened his eyes. He hadn’t seen Rita Jacobi in months, long enough that she wouldn’t have noticed Jared’s absence or the news that he had twins. “Oh no, she is Jared’s, my secretary. He is going to be bringing her and her twin to the office for a few months.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I just thought…She looks just like you.” The woman pulled back, abashed for her mistake.
Jensen looked down at the baby as he readjusted her weight so that she reclined against his chest and her big eyes got a view of his office. “Nope. I’m just holding her while Jared feeds her sister.”
Rita took a seat opposite Jensen and smiled. “Well, she has eyes like you.”
“What? Nah, hers are,” Jensen peered down at the baby, the natural light in the room making his study of Arianna’s eyes and easy one, “blue…” His words trailed off. Arianna blinked up at him, soft green eyes shining up at the man. “Green.” He let out a soft surprised laugh. Spending almost every day with the twins made him less likely to notice gradual changes but now, as he focused on the girl’s eyes, it was evident.
Rita smiled. “Yes. That’s what I said. Green like you.”
******************
The hour long drive to his parents’ house was, thankfully, uneventful. The girls had slept the entire way, Jared insisting they leave around the twin’s nap time to make this possible.
Now, each man toting one car seat full of sleeping infant, Jensen was glad they had reached the point of no return. Through Jared had said he was looking forward to the lunch, Jensen kept having this nagging fear in the back of his head that the man was going to change his mind. But Jared had surprised him, had been genuinely interested in learning more about Jensen’s family. He’d even somehow found the time to make a tray of brownies. They came from a box mix but the fact that Jared had taken the time to make them left a smile on Jensen’s face.
Ringing the doorbell, Jensen noticed Jared fidgeting. “Relax.”
“Kinda hard to.” He tugged on his shirt hem, pulling it lower.
Jensen had to smile at the man’s nervous energy. “Stop worrying, you look good.” He flashed Jared a smile.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Jensen leaned in towards Jared, tilting his head in such a way that their lips brushed. Of course it was that moment that his mother decided to answer the door, the hinges squeaking with enough time for the two men to break apart but still leaving Jared with a flush coloring his cheeks.
“Jensen!” Donna practically squealed with happiness as she threw the door open. “Hi baby.” She reached out to cup Jensen’s face in her hands and gave him a solid smooch on the cheek.
“Hi Mom.” Jensen wrinkled up his face and pulled out of his mother’s hold. “Mom, this is Jared.” Jensen shifted his weight and gestured towards the man still fidgeting beside him.
“It’s nice to finally meet you Mrs. Ackles.” Jared held out a hand but Donna repeated her earlier action and cupped his face to kiss his cheek. The suddenness of the gesture startled Jared and he took a step backwards before regaining his footing and swallowing his flustered state.
“Hi sweetie. And please, call me Donna. I insist.” Donna smiled, steamrolling right past Jared’s hesitation. “And these must be those darling babies I’ve heard so much about!” The woman bent down slightly, her eyes going from one sleeping baby to the next.
Jensen raised the car seat he was holding. “Yeah. This is Brooke and Jared’s got Arianna. They are still out cold from the drive.”
“Well come in, come in. I’m sorry for leaving you two out there on the porch. It’s just that I’m so excited to meet you Jared. I’ve heard nothing but good things.” Donna herded the men inside, giving Jensen another pat on the cheek as he passed her to enter the house. “You can put the girls in the living room Jensen, that way our chatter doesn’t wake them up.”
Jensen relieved Jared of Arianna’s car seat and disappeared with the girls into the neighboring room. He hurried back to Jared, not wanting to leave the man alone too long. He caught the younger man’s gaze and smiled, happy when Jared returned the gesture.
“You have a lovely home Mrs. A –Donna. Thank you for having me.” Jared ran a hand though his hair and bit the corner of his lip. Jensen could tell he was trying to be himself but his nerves were manifesting in different ways, like the flicking of his fingernails that his left hand was currently doing.
“Oh I’m happy to have you. Really Jared, I’ve heard so much about you and those little girls. I can’t wait to meet them when they wake up. But right now I want to introduce you to the rest of the family.” Donna held out a hand and urged Jared to follow her. “Come on.” Smiling again, she grabbed Jared’s hand and gently led him through the unfamiliar house towards a large sitting room. He tossed a look over his shoulder to meet Jensen’s apologetic helpless shrug before focusing once again on the path Donna was pulling him in.
Jensen watched his family descend on Jared. Unlike Jared, they had very few boundaries and even less respect for personal space, but Jared seemed to be handling it well so far. He leaned up against the wall, smirking as his mother made the introductions, bringing him over to his father first and then his sister second. Jared was all smiles and “nice to meet you” and Jensen could see his nervousness draining away by the time he was introduced to his brother-in-law Jeremy.
It always amazed Jensen how at ease Jared was with people yet how guarded he kept his own person. The Ackles family was no exception. Jared was already schmoozing his parents, winning them over almost instantly as evidenced by their warm laughter and his father wink of approval. This is exactly how Jensen knew Jared meeting his family would go, there wasn’t any other way it could have went. Jared was perfection. He fit into Jensen’s life perfectly and the older man didn’t expect meeting his parents to be any different. The only part that hurt was the fact that Jared never had the same confidence in himself.
He wants to tell Jared that, give him encouragement that he is winning over even his oddly protective younger sister, but his Dad has his attention, is pulling him aside to talk about something not important at the moment. Feigning interest in his father, Jensen watches Mackenzie usher Jared around the large room, trying her best to point out only the most embarrassing of Jensen’s baby pictures, the ones his mother insists on keeping hung on the wall. He watches the younger man stop in front of an enlarged shot of Jensen no older than the twins were currently. From the angle he can’t make out Jared’s face, but he lingers longer there than at any other photo before Mackenzie is pulling him towards a 5x7 shot of when a 7 year old Jensen tried to pee all over a newborn Mackenzie. Jensen hates that photo; Mackenzie uses it as the endless guilt trip. But then Jared is laughing, throwing a glance over at Jensen.
Alan catches that glance and warns Jensen that he’s seen that look before. He tells Jensen that look means Jared is falling for him and might not even know it. His father sees something Jensen hasn’t. Alan may not realize the severity of it, but Jared is letting Jensen, and consequentially the Ackles family, into his life. He is being open and real despite the vulnerability those actions require. His head goes hazy and he can’t stop himself from gravitating towards Jared just for the sheer need to be near him. It ends up being a good move because he can put an end to Mackenzie’s tour of shame and move his family onto other things, namely lunch.
Lunch is the round of 20 questions Jensen knew it would be. His parent’s insist on asking questions he knows they know the answers to. The questions are safe enough for a first meeting and Jared is answering them like a pro. Jensen squeezes his boyfriend’s knee under the table for reassurance but when he looks into Jared’s eyes he realizes the man doesn’t need it. Jared is doing just fine on his own. He is pretty sure Jared could have his parents eating out of the palm of his hand if he wanted to, which is just fine by Jensen. Mackenzie is on board too, which has to be a world record. Jensen has a hard time thinking of anyone he has dated who Mackenzie actually liked, or at least liked in the first hour of knowing them. She was the one wild card Jensen didn’t know how to factor into today’s meeting. But she was smiling and listening intently to Jared answering his mother’s question about the origin of the twins’ names. Although sad his brother and sister-in-law couldn’t make lunch, meeting 4 new people seems to be a pretty good number for Jared.
Jared’s ears perk up when one of the twin’s cries out, signaling the end of nap time. In a fluid movement he pushed his chair back and went to rise but Donna stopped him.
“Oh no, let me get her. It’s been so long since I’ve held a baby and I’m dying to get my hands on one of them. You just finish your lunch sweetie.” Donna smiled and excused herself from the table, giving Jared a warm touch on the shoulder as she passed him. When she returned with Arianna in tow, she was smiling from ear to ear. “Well aren’t you just precious!”
“That’s Arianna. Most people can’t tell them apart. Jensen can though.” Jared smiled as he watched the woman fawn over his youngest daughter.
“Of course he can. He’s always been observant…a bit of a space cadet sometimes, but observant.” Alan smiled and watched his wife make ridiculous faces at the baby. “Besides, from the amount of time he says he spends with those two, I should hope he could tell them apart.”
“Dad!” Jensen scowled at his father who shrugged in response.
“Oh she is just beautiful Jared.” Mackenzie folded her napkin on the table and rose to get a closer look at the baby. “And she has so much hair!”
Jared ruffled his own hair in response. “Yeah, they were born with a lot of hair. Never really lost it.”
“And my brother really delivered her? I mean, she looks pretty perfect.” Mackenzie’s tone was mocking but she was smiling down at the baby.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Jensen puffed up his chest and cocked his head at his sister.
“I dunno, you didn’t want to…like, pee on her or anything?” There was a glint of a smile in Mackenzie’s eyes.
Rolling his eyes, he pushed away from the table, not dignifying his sister’s jibe with a remark. “I’m going to go check on the other little pip-squeak. I’ll try not to urinate on her or anything.” On his way out of the room he shoved his sister, barely hard enough to make her move. Once in the living room he found Brooke happily babbling in her seat, her big green eyes blinking at him. “Hey munchkin. You getting lonely in here?” He laughed when she made one of her signature puppy noises and lifted her into his arms, grabbing a couple of bottles before leaving the room. He had Brooke in the crook of his arm, the way she liked to be held so she could see what was going on. When he reentered the room all eyes were on him and the baby. “What?” He glanced around, not sure what exactly everyone was staring at.
Donna laughed, eyes smiling at her son. “Nothing…it’s just,” she paused to figure out her phrasing, “you…and a baby. I’ve never seen you hold a baby let alone look so natural doing so.”
Jared snorted, almost spitting out his drink. Realizing all eyes were on him he raised an apologetic hand. “Sorry, it’s just funny to hear that reaction. I can’t picture him being anything but natural with them. I guess he’s just gotten in a lot of practice. He was the first one to hold both of them and the EMTs had to practically tear Brooke from his arms.”
Alan raised an eyebrow in mild surprise but then went back to eating his lunch, still keeping one eye on his son.
Mackenzie abandoned her adoration of Arianna to focus on Brooke, who was contently grabbing onto Jensen’s finger and blowing bubbles with her bow lips. “So you’re the little miracle baby, huh?” Turning towards Jared, her face lit up with the adorability of the baby, she pleaded towards him. “Can I hold her?”
Proud that his girls were capable of orchestrating the attention of the room, Jared puffed up and smiled. “Of course.”
The younger woman smiled brightly at Jared before eagerly turning towards Jensen. “Stop hogging that cutie pie.”
Rolling his eyes, Jensen carefully transferred the little girl into his sister’s arms.
Mackenzie bounced the baby gently and subconsciously rocked her hips slightly. “Hi cutie. You’re so little.” She ducked her head closer to coo at the baby, her high pitched voice making Brooke look directly at her. Pulling back slightly, she studied the infant’s face. “Jen…she kinda looks like you.”
It wasn’t the first time Jensen had heard that. He’d come up with a response that usually ended that conversation…usually. “Yeah, we have the same green eyes. But they look like Jared, dark hair and everything.”
Mackenzie studied the baby again and shook her head. “No, there is something else.” She looked as if she was going to elaborate but then she shut her eyes suddenly and took a sharp intake of breath. In one movement she swung around towards Jensen and leaned closer to transfer the baby back into his arms. “Take her for a minute.” And without further explanation she darted off down the hallway, legs moving in a blur.
“Wha-what?” Jensen’s face was pure confusion.
Jared looked around the table, not sure what had just happened. “Umm, is she alright?”
Waving off his concern, Jeremy smiled reassuringly. “She’s fine. I’m sure she ate something that didn’t agree with her.” Pushing himself up from the table, he nodded slightly. “I’ll go check on her. Be right back.” Giving the group another smile, he took off after his wife.
The four adults sat in silence for a moment, Mackenzie’s sudden exit leaving a question hanging in the air. As per usual, Arianna filled the silence with a whimper, deciding the group’s discussion topic for them.
“She is probably hungry. They usually eat after their afternoon nap.” Jared went to retrieve his daughter but Donna didn’t look like she was ready to relinquish the infant. “Do you want to feed her?”
“I’d love to. It’s been a few years since I’ve fed a baby this tiny.” Donna smiled and bounced the baby close to her chest.
Within minutes Jensen had two bottles warmed and ready for the girls, handing one to his mother and hanging on to the other for the baby still nestled in his arms. As per usual Arianna eagerly went to town on her bottle while Jensen had to work his magic before Brooke started sucking the bottle down greedily. He laughed at the little girl’s unladylike sucking sounds, an action that landed all eyes on him - again. In explanation he shrugged and smiled. “She’s just really cute when she eats. She’s a little pig.”
“She’s not a pig.” Jared crossed his arms over his chest with mock insult. “She’s just not as dainty as her sister.”
“I don’t know Jared. This little girl is being pretty greedy too.” Donna made a clicking sound with her tongue and smiled down at Arianna who was now looking directly at her. She looked up towards Jensen and then back to the baby. “They do look similar to you Jensen.”
As if hearing this for the first time, Jared’s eyes darted between his two daughters and Jensen. He squinted in thought, his face screwing up in a way that visualized the gears turning in his head. Before he had a chance to respond, Mackenzie walked into the room mumbling an apology.
“I’m sorry for that.” She smoothed down the front of her pants, her hands fidgeting in a way Jensen’s did when nervous. “I’m feeling much better now.”
Donna gave her daughter a warm smile. “I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well honey. You can go lay down upstairs if you’d like. You’re not going to miss anything. I’ve just been monopolizing Jared’s daughter in the mean time.” Nuzzling Arianna closer to her face, she inhaled deeply. “Ohh I missed that baby smell.”
Alan laughed and turned towards Jared. “Don’t mind her. I’m sure you’ll get your daughter back…eventually. She’s just being none too secretive about wanting another grandbaby.”
“Hey, can you blame me?” She snuggled Arianna and turned her so that she was facing her husband, all while keeping her happily enjoying her bottle. “I miss having little ones like this around. And don’t act like you don’t want more grandkids too. I can see right through you.”
“That’s good because,” Mackenzie perched herself on the edge of the table, right between both of her parents’ seats, “I’m pregnant.” She flushed, like she didn’t mean to spill the information but couldn’t keep it in any longer.
The rest of the afternoon became somewhat of a blur for Jensen. Between somehow getting both twins into Jared’s arms so he and his mother could be part of the hugs and congratulations and the realization that his baby sister was having a baby, Jensen lost track of time. The day was supposed to be about his family meeting Jared, but Mackenzie had gone and hijacked it, making it all about her. But she did have a good reason, and he didn’t mind…not really. He was happy that at least part of the afternoon belonged to the fact that his family seemed to see the same wonderful things that he saw in Jared.
This fact was almost solidified when, right before they were about to leave and after chatting Jared’s ear off about what Jensen could only guess was pregnancy related queries, Mackenzie launched herself at Jared in a hug. True, it was after Mackenzie revealed her extreme cravings for chocolate and Jared remembered the brownies he had forgotten in the car. But when Mackenzie, half chewed mouthful of brownie and all, smiled up at Jared and mumbled “I think I love you” Jensen couldn’t help but daydream that maybe Jared was the perfect fit for his family.
***************
Brooke was screaming. Jared had promised their trip to the pharmacy would be a quick one, but the girls’ pediatrician mixed up the prescriptions and a 5 minute trip was becoming a 20 minute one. Usually that would be no problem, but with a miserable 4 months old with an ear infection in tow, all bets were off.
Jensen glanced down at Brooke, red faced and crying. It was the first time one of the girls had gotten anything worse than mild refluxes. It had taken Jared time to find his footing and learn how to deal with a sick child, but Jensen was still feeling as helpless as ever. Usually he just had to snuggle Brooke to get her to quiet down. This was a whole different ball game.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think it would take this long.” Jared bit his lip. He had one hand on his hip and used the other to push the twin stroller back and forth repeatedly.
Jensen was still staring at a wailing Brooke. “It’s not your fault the doctor messed up.” Pausing he furrowed his brow. “I just feel bad for her.”
“I know. Me too.” Jared pouted at his daughter. “I wish I could tell her it will get better, that these antibiotics will help. The way she is screaming…I feel…like a horrible parent.” Jared sighed, his exhaustion from being up all night with his daughter apparent on his face.
“You’re not terrible. Kids get sick. It has nothing to do with you.” Jensen couldn’t take it anymore. He bent down and in a well practiced movement unbuckled Brooke’s safety restraint and pulled her into his arms. “Hey crank-pot, wanna tell me how you really feel?” He held her against his chest, kissing the soft hair on her head. She kept up her cry but it had diminished from a full out wail to a lower whimper.
“Where were you at 3 o’clock this morning?” Jared ran a hand over Brooke’s head, intentionally brushing the side of Jensen’s cheek in the process. He sighed and checked his watch for the hundredth time before his eyes popped open in remembrance. “Oh shoot! I almost forgot. I am seriously low on baby wipes. Do you mind waiting here while I grab a few things? It seriously couldn’t possibly take longer than 2 minutes.”
Jensen shook his head. “Of course not.” He pressed Brooke closer to him, inadvertently shushing her and rocking his body back and forth. “I got Brooke.”
Letting out a sigh of relief, Jared gave a tired smile. “Thank you. I’ll be right back.” He swung the stroller with a seemingly unfazed Arianna in it in the opposite direction and made his way towards the front of the store.
Jensen watched him go before giving Brooke his full attention again. The baby was still whimpering but it was sporadic, happening at random intervals. “You’re so miserable aren’t you? Huh?” He kissed her head again and pulled back from her enough to see that the redness in her face was dissipating and her wet eyes were blinking open. She still looked like she was on the verge of tears but she was staring up at Jensen, making the man feel even more helpless.
“Brooke Padalecki?”
Jensen spun on his heels to face the pharmacist who had just called the baby’s name. “Yeah, that’s us.”
“Here you go.” The man handed a small white bag to Jensen. “You’re the baby’s father, right? I need to tell someone how to administer the medicine.”
“No, but he should be right back.” Jensen looked over his shoulder, scanning he visible areas of the store for Jared. He found him in the far corner, seemingly making his way back.
“Sorry, I just assumed. She looks just like you.”
Jensen huffed. “Yeah, I get that a lot.” Too much actually. Aside from his family, he had gotten that reaction three times at work. One of those had been from a client who was convinced that he and Jared had been dating all along so the babies could have been Korean and he would have still insisted they looked like Jensen. But the other two were usually careful to mind their own business. It was starting to weigh on Jensen’s mind, so much so that the Pharmacist’s comment was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
It’s what led to him sitting on the couch in Jared’s apartment feeling like he was going to throw up if he doesn’t say anything. Jared has just finished giving Brooke her medicine and rocking her to sleep. The man is exhausted, and it is the worst time to discuss anything heavy, but Jensen can’t stop the words from coming out of his mouth. “I donated sperm a few times in college.”
Jared practically spit out the water he just took a sip of. When he speaks his words come out with choking difficulty. “What?”
Jensen pauses, realizing maybe this conversation was a mistake. He thinks maybe he can say nothing and Jared will think he heard wrong, but he knows from the way Jared is staring at him that the man heard correctly. This isn’t how he wanted to start the week off. He’d been looking forward to spending a whole enjoyable week with his boyfriend, not digging up shit from their pasts. When his buildings landlord said they would have to close some of the offices on Jensen’s floor for a week the first thing Jensen thought was that fact meant he could spend more time with Jared. They’d gotten closer after lunch with his parents, and he hoped to bring them closer still. He shuts up, going back to fiddling with Arianna’s little feet as she bounces in the swing in front of him.
“Why are you bringing that up?” Jared set his glass down on the table and squint his eyes at Jensen.
“No, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.” Jensen doesn’t like the look on Jared’s face; it’s the one he gets when he is on guard and all his defenses are up. He hasn’t seen it for a while and thought maybe it was gone forever around him.
Jared sighed and plopped down on the couch beside Jensen. “It’s not nothing. I’ve known you for almost 2 years and I know you don’t usually just verbalize nothing.”
Jensen sighed. So much actually weighed on the way he worded his next statement. “You’re right. It’s not nothing.” He turned towards Jared, his stomach falling out of his body completely. It’s an awkward enough conversation to think about having, let alone actually being part of it. “You told me you used donor sperm from a sperm bank to get pregnant with the girls. I am just saying that I donated to a sperm bank a few times.”
“Yeah? And?” Jared straightened up, his tone clipped.
“I was just thinking…” Jensen pushed back further on the couch, his body tense with nervous energy. “I used Fairfax Cryobank and I wondered where you went.”
Jared sat silent for a minute, his eyes avoiding Jensen’s. “Why?”
“Really Jared? Come on, it can’t be that much of a shock that I’m asking you this. You’ve heard how many people think the twins look like me.”
“Because they have green eyes?” Jared is on his feet, body thrown into protective overdrive.
“Yeah and other things…”
“They have green eyes because I like green eyes and chose someone with green eyes.” Jared is on edge and Jensen realizes he hit a nerve but isn’t quite sure which or how.
“You don’t think they could maybe be mine? I mean it is a shot in the dark but I thought we could do a DNA test and see.” Jensen gets to his feet in an attempt to even out Jared’s height advantage. He can’t tell what the other man is thinking, but Jared’s breathing has kicked up a notch.
“Does it matter?” Jared’s voice is low and his eyes have taken on a quality Jensen’s never seen before.
“What?”
This time Jared looks him straight in the eye. “Does it matter if they’re yours or not? Does it change things? Would you love them any more? Any less?”
The questions make no sense. He knows he poorly planned this discussion but Jensen didn’t think Jared could react like this. “How could I love them any less? I am crazy about those girls. You know that.” Jensen doesn’t expect it but anger flares up.
“Then why?”
“Because if they’re mine, I’d like to know.” Jensen curls his lip up in response to Jared’s defensiveness. It’s an automatic reaction, one ingrained in his fight or flight mechanism.
“Do you need a reason to love them? A reason to stay even if you don’t want to?” Jared’s eye’s are alive with the mix of panic and fear Jensen has seen before but there is something new to them.
“Are you even listening to yourself Jared? I’ve done nothing but love those girls since the moment, the exact moment, they were born. You have no right to think I’d feel otherwise.” He can’t prevent the anger from singeing each of his words.
Jared flinches, like Jensen’s words were tangible. “You say that now.” He goes somewhere dark in his head. “Get out.”
“Seriously Jared? After everything you’ve learned about me, that I’ve learned about you, this is how we are dealing with this situation?”
“These are my kids Jensen. MINE.” There is anger in Jared’s words too now. “You have no right to them. You have no right to put stipulations on them…to build up something and then walk away from it in the end anyway.” His chest rising and falling, Jared sets his jaw. “Get out of my apartment.”
Jensen cocks he head to the side, staring at a side to Jared he never fathomed before. The younger man is on defense, excessively so. Although he is angry and hurt, Jensen can see that Jared has gotten himself trapped in some replay of his past in the corners of his mind. He knows this and plays dirty anyway. “Fuck you.” The words leave his mouth and regret is instantaneous. They hit Jared right in the face and Jensen can’t bear to look at the hurt spreading over his features. It’s not that Jensen feels Jared didn’t deserve a rebuke, it’s that Jensen knew he was treading on turbulent waters before he even started the whole conversation. While Jared’s rant was inexcusable, Jensen’s actions weren’t too honorable either. At a loss for words, Jensen keeps his eyes away from Jared and storms out the door, slamming it so hard the hallway shakes.
It isn’t until he is out of Jared’s apartment building and standing exposed in the open air that he realized he really didn’t care about the answer after all. He was already in love with those girls and half in love with their father and DNA wasn’t going to change that, regardless. He had pushed too hard too soon and then he left because leaving was the only thing left he had control over.
*********
When Jensen’s phone rang four days later he had given up thinking anything at all about who could be on the other line. He had spent most of his time wishing Jared would call, hoping it was him, but his gut knew it probably wasn’t. It’s why he is surprised when he hears Jared’s voice on the other line at 7 in the morning. He’s still half asleep but he can tell right away that something is wrong. The way Jared’s words are hitching lets Jensen know he is in the throes of a panic attack. Coupling that with the fact that he can barely hear the man over a screaming baby and Jensen is jolted into pure wakefulness.
Then he realizes Jared is crying on top of it all. He’s begging Jensen to please not hang up, that he needs him.
Jensen wouldn’t dare hang up either way. He’s angry at Jared but it’s a type of anger he can deal with.
“There’s something wrong with Brooke.” Jared’s voice cracks and his words come way too fast but Jensen manages to make some type of meaning out of them.
Jared’s words pierce though Jensen’s heart. He hears another scream, presumably Brooke, and his heart is pierced again.
Of course it had to be Brooke.
He loves both twins equally but Brooke is special. Although he delivered them, Jared gave them life, making them miracles Jensen can’t really take credit for. But Jensen gave Brooke a second chance at life, she is his little miracle. And she is screaming louder than he’s ever heard before.
“I’ll be right there.”
Jared’s voice cracks again and dissolves into a million little pieces. If he hasn’t lost it already, he is only a few steps away from doing so. “Can you stay on the phone with me?”
“Sure. Sure I can.” Jensen has to hold his cell phone to his ear with his shoulder while trying to get dressed. It is difficult but he gets it done and is out his front door. Jared isn’t saying very much to him but he hears him trying to comfort Brooke. Each time it only seems to increase the infant’s cries and Jared’s distraught voice comes slamming back into his ears, weak and pleading. Jensen doesn't know what to say, because there are no words to make it better so he says the first thing that comes to mind. “It’s okay. She’ll be okay.” It’s the same promise he made Jared before Brooke was born and he is just as uncertain about it as he was then.
“She…I…” Jared inhaled loudly. “She screams when I touch her.” He makes a choking sound, like he’s having trouble getting enough air and Jensen realizes that he probably is.
“It’s okay. You need to breathe Jared.” And suddenly it is a repeat of the elevator incident all over again, only he’s on the phone taking calming breaths instead of staring into Jared’s eyes. It takes a moment and he almost halfway there but Jensen can hear Jared’s breathing over the line and it is finally evening out. “It’s okay. I’m almost there.”
Jared almost chokes again, and he has to pause to try and re-calm his breathing. “I need you.” The words are quiet but Jensen can make out the urgency in them. “Please?” It’s a question, the type that Jared always has when he depends on someone else. “I know I have no right to ask but I need you. Brooke needs you.”
“I’m coming. It’s going to be okay. Just try to keep breathing.” Jensen presses the phone to his ear with his shoulder again as he parks his car. It takes him less time than ever before to climb the stairs to Jared’s apartment, and when he gets there he realizes the door is already open. He pushes his way inside, following Brooke’s cries to the nursery.
Jared is crumpled on the floor, a disheveled mess in an oversized t-shirt and sweats. He locks eyes with Jensen and falls apart again.
Almost as soon as he sees Jared, Jensen is on his knees in front of him, grabbing the sides of his face and staring into his eyes. Jared is scared, more frightened than he was in the elevator. It’s the first time he has seen Jared in 4 days and he looks terrible. Jared shudders and Jensen pulls him in tight against his chest, missing the way Jared fit against him.
“She…I woke up and she was screaming like this. She screams worse when I touch her.” Jared clawed at Jensen’s back, trying to get away from the panic rising in his gut. “Her limbs are all stiff and she just…she just keeps crying. I don’t know what’s wrong with her.”
“Shush. We’re going to take Brooke to the hospital, okay?” Jensen feels Jared nod from his position against his neck. He looks around the room to find that Jared somehow got Arianna into her car seat already. “I need you to take Arianna and put her in the car, okay? I’m going to get Brooke and I’ll meet you down there. I’ll drive. You focus on being there for your little girl.”
Jared’s only answer was a quick nod and he was on his feet and out the door with his oldest child.
Without Jared in the room Jensen swore Brooke’s cries got louder. He approached her crib and found her lying stiffly in the middle of it, face wet from tears and little lungs choking of gulps of air. He didn’t know what was wrong with her, couldn’t even hazard a guess. He tried to pick her up but, as Jared said, she screamed louder. Biting his lip hard to counteract his breaking heart, he swooped her into his arms while pretending not to hear the increased shrieks. Still in denial of them he deposited her into her car seat and met Jared outside.
Brooke screamed the whole way. But unlike Brooke’s first cry, which still ranked supreme as the most beautiful thing Jensen had ever heard, these cries were the complete opposite and Jensen wasn’t sure how much more his heart could take.
*******************
Retroactive Synovitis.
It took what felt like a lifetime of feeling helpless to find out what was taking hold of Brooke.
Jared paced, holding onto Arianna for dear life like some lifeline to her twin. Jensen watched him. Eventually the brave front that Jared had put up since being relegated to the waiting room dissolved and he ended up in Jensen’s arms, Arianna safely sandwiched between the two of them.
They didn’t talk. God knows they had to, but they waited in silence, aside from Jensen’s shushing as he combed his fingers though Jared’s hair.
After an eternity, the doctor came in to explain her diagnosis.
Retroactive Synovitis.
The diagnosis meant nothing. Both men had no idea what that was, but they picked up on the words
“fine” and “treatable” and nothing else mattered. Jensen remembered how to breathe again now that it act wasn’t contingent on Brooke’s survival.
Apparently Brooke was paralyzed temporarily. Those affected with Retroactive Synovitis can't move, and if they do, they experience a great deal of pain. The joints swell, similar to arthritis but at a much higher degree. Brooke was unable to move because of the swelling, and forced movement caused more pain which explained why she screamed when they tried to pick her up.
Jared immediately felt guilty, but the doctor reassured him that it had nothing to do with anything he could have done. One possibility was that a virus attacked her joints and muscles, possibly inflaming them and bringing on these symptoms. Another possibility was a medical allergy. Upon asking if she had been on any antibiotics lately Jared relayed the information about her ear infection medication and the doctor put the rest of the puzzle pieces together.
The doctor said that Brooke was on an I.V. and receiving intravenous drugs to stop and reduce the swelling of the joints; that she was one very scared little girl who needed her father. Before he left he told them that she could have visitors, but at the current moment only her parents were allowed.
Jared almost collapsed as soon as the doctor left, he had been running on empty for hours and now that he knew Brooke was okay the effects of doing so caught up with him.
Jensen took Arianna from the man’s arms. “Go see her. I’ll be right here.”
Hesitating, Jared wavered. “They think you’re her other father.” He swallowed and wiped the back of his hand across his eyes. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”
There is more meaning behind those words but Jensen is too focused on seeing if Brooke is okay for himself that he pushes off analyzing Jared’s words for later. Instead he just nods, not trusting words.
They find a nurse who leads them to Brooke’s room and Jared takes a sharp intake of air when he sees his youngest daughter.
It is a shocking sight, the tiny 4 month old attached to tubes and looking so lost in a huge hospital room. She’s sleeping, or has passed out from exhaustion, but her little chest is rising and falling and there are no more tears in the corners of her eyes. Jared lets out a cry that echoes through the room and he falls into the seat beside her cot. He traces his fingers up her arm but until he can hold her he can’t find a way to be close enough to her.
Jensen can’t imagine how horrifying the ordeal was for Brooke, but Jared is not fairing too well either so maybe he has some idea. He wants to see Brooke for himself but with the adrenaline rush of the evening receding he is starting to feel like an outsider again, like maybe Jared reconstructed some walls.
Arianna is sucking on his finger as she tries to put it and her first surrounding it into the mouth. He rests his chin on her head and inhales her scent, reminding himself of how much he missed her and her father.
Jared is crying again, hands in an inverted V over the bridge of his nose, and Jensen is moving towards him without consciously making the decision to do so. He's still hurt by Jared's actions several days ago but banding together to take care of Brooke has put things in perspective. There are bigger things at stake. Things with Jared take time, he knew that going in, he also knew that he pushed too abruptly with the DNA conversation. His movements attract Jared’s attention and the younger man looks up at him, giving Jensen a clear opportunity to wipe away his stray tears with the pad of his thumb. “I told you she would be okay.”
A strangled laugh escaped Jared’s throat. “I’ve got to start trusting you more about that.”
“Yeah.” It’s all Jensen can get out of his mouth even though one million thoughts are battling for a chance to be verbalized.
“God Jensen, I was so scared. It was like losing her all over again…only worse.” Jared turned defeated eyes towards Jensen and he shuddered. He was fighting off crying again but on the cusp of losing. “Thank you.” He grabbed Jensen’s free hand and held it to his face, crying into it. “I’m such an idiot. I’m so…” He took another shuddering breath and pulled away so that he could look Jensen in the eye. “I know I have insecurities, but those aren’t your fault. I’m sorry. You shouldn’t forgive me, but I’m sorry.”
Jensen shifted Arianna, wondering why he and Jared had shit timing for heart to hearts. “You’re right. You do have insecurities. And you promised me you were going to stop thinking I didn’t want to be part of your life, that once I had an out I would take it.” Jensen pressed his hand to Jared’s cheek, the gesture tender and soft. “I don’t want an out Jared.”
“I know. I always knew. I just…I get freaked out. I project my own insecurities onto others even if they are not applicable.” Jared sighed and his posture collapsed. “We should test the girls. I went to the same place as you, Fairfax Cryobank. It’s a long shot, but it’s possible. We could do a DNA test.”
“I don’t want to.” There is only one chair in the room so Jensen gets down onto his knees so he isn’t looming above Jared.
Jared squint his eyes in confusion. “You don’t?”
“It doesn’t matter. Mine or not, I’d love them just the same.” Jensen ran his hand thought Jared’s hair. The man’s walls were down, emotions raw and unprotected. “Lots of people have green eyes. It could mean nothing.”
“Could mean something.”
“It could, but it doesn’t matter.” Jensen leaned closer to Jared, their faces hovering close together. His heart picked up that awkward rhythm it always did when he was this close to Jared.
Jared’s breath staggered for a moment, his eyes drenched with regret, remorse, and longing. “I’m sorry I suck at this. I promise I’ll try harder. I am so sorry I yelled at you and accused you of things my father did to me. It’s clear now that you would never do that...but I was so messed up that I couldn’t see it clearly before. I’m sorry. If you can’t forgive me it is okay, but I am so so so sorry.” Jared’s words came straight from his heart and babbled out of his mouth.
Jensen almost laughed, always loving how flustered Jared got around him. “I already forgave you Jared.”
Eyes hopeful, Jared smiled. “Can we start over?”
“Nah.” He leaned closer to the younger man, brushing his lips softly against his before pulling away. It was a chaste kiss, more for a promise of what was to come than for the actual gesture. “Can we just pick up where we left off?”
Jared nodded briskly, biting his lower lip to contain his gratefulness. “I’d like that.” He fell forward into Jensen’s arms’ snuggled up against the older man’s chest and beside his infant daughter. “But can we wait till we can take Brooke home?”
Jensen buried himself in the crook of Jared’s neck and smiled. “Of course. We’re not us without her.”
And of course, as she always did, Brooke took that moment to let out a cry. It wasn’t pain filled; it was closer to being her typical cry for attention, almost like she agreed with what the two men had been discussing. And while it wasn’t the best sound Jensen had ever heard, it was up there and Jensen was glad Brooke was on board with their plan.
THE END
BTW: In regards to Retroactive Synovitis, it sucks. It can have other names but that is what my doctor called it when my baby dealt with it. It is terribly scary but thankfully totally treatable.