Work Text:
“Folks on your mind again?”
Cheng Xiaoshi can’t sleep.
His mind is swarming with thoughts of his parents, how alone he felt growing up, how the other kids picked on him, and how Qiao Ling was all he had until his partner came around. He shudders at the thought – what if Lu Guang leaves too? What if everything falls apart again? What if he’s destined to be alone? He buries his face in his pillow, as if to drown out the feeling. It keeps gnawing at him. Why did they leave him? Why didn’t they call? Why did his mom only reach out to him once when he went to Bridon, and why did she tell him she’d come home? As much as he despises it, he still feels like that little kid who was left all alone. A chill creeps up his spine as he squeezes his eyes shut, tears stinging as they eventually dampen his pillow. His breath shudders, then he forces his mouth shut, trying to muffle it. However, it’s too late, as he hears a soft stirring from the bunk bed above him.
“Cheng Xiaoshi?” a low voice calls. He freezes, mortified, holding his breath, but the bed creaks, and he looks up to see Lu Guang climbing down the ladder, clad in his white cat pajamas. He hovers over Cheng Xiaoshi, looking down with furrowed eyebrows, examining the dim outline of his face. A cold hand touches his cheek, brushing away tears. “Can’t sleep?” Lu Guang asks softly, sitting down on the bed.
“Not really,” Cheng Xiaoshi says quietly with a sniffle. “Can I sleep in your bed?”
Lu Guang clicks his tongue and shakes his head. “You move too much in your sleep, I don’t want you to fall. How about I stay down here?” he suggests. Cheng Xiaoshi nods, shifting to make room, and Lu Guang curls up next to him, putting an arm around him. “Want to talk?”
Cheng Xiaoshi curls up closer to him, letting out a slight huff. “I don’t know,” he answers, thinking for a moment. Of course he knows Lu Guang only wants to help, but honestly, it’s embarrassing , and it probably sounds stupid, it’s not like he’s a little kid anymore. “Do you think my parents will ever come home?” he asks suddenly.
Lu Guang is quiet for a moment, then nods. “I’m sure they will,” he answers. Liar, Cheng Xiaoshi thinks miserably, but he doesn’t say anything. “I know it’s hard,” Lu Guang says quietly, holding him closer. “It’ll all work out, and I’ll be right here next to you until it does.”
“Are you going to leave, too?” The words come out suddenly, without meaning to, and the taller boy braces himself for the worst possible outcome.
Nonetheless, Lu Guang shakes his head. “I promised, I’ll stay as long as I can, okay?” he says. “I’m right here,” he says.
Cheng Xiaoshi buries his face into his neck, tugging on his shirt, to which Lu Guang cradles him. “You can’t leave,” he whines. “I mean- I guess, you can, but I don’t want you to,” he says. “You told me you couldn’t promise forever, but you never told me why? Why can’t you stay forever?” Lu Guang pauses, and Cheng Xiaoshi feels daggers carve into his chest as he clings to him. “I don’t want to be alone, please…”
“Babe,” Lu Guang says, his voice sounding tense. “I’m here, breathe, I didn’t say I was leaving,” he says. He gently rubs his back, but it feels like there’s something he refuses to say, carving an even greater hole in Cheng Xiaoshi’s chest. There’s some hesitation, but he finally says, “I’ll stay.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
There’s silence between them for a long moment, and Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t know exactly what to believe. Why did he hesitate? Why did he only say ‘as long as I can?’ Why won’t he say forever? Am I that unlovable? He feels himself shake weakly in his love’s embrace, unable to speak for a long moment.
“I’ll make forever happen,” Lu Guang says suddenly. “I’m not leaving. I’ll be right here, I’m sorry for scaring you, I’m not going anywhere,” he says, but something is shaking in his voice too.
“I want to believe you,” Cheng Xiaoshi whispers. “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” the white-haired man says. “I mean it, Cheng Xiaoshi, I couldn’t leave you.”
“Do you think I’d leave you?” Cheng Xiaoshi asks. “Because I won’t, I’m not leaving, and I want you here, I always will,” he says.
“Okay.”
Another painful silence.
The two lie entangled, nothing but faint starlight illuminating the soft outlines of their faces. Lu Guang bears a serious expression, not looking away for a second. Cheng Xiaoshi continues to press himself against his lover, clinging to him for comfort, but the fear of abandonment and loneliness gnaws at him, suffocating him. He chokes out a sob, whimpering pathetically, but he’s met with a tighter embrace.
“Cheng Xiaoshi.”
“...Yeah?”
“Take deep breaths with me,” Lu Guang instructs, demonstrating himself. Cheng Xiaoshi bites at his lip, but nods and tries to follow. “Everything’s going to be okay, we’ll make it okay,” Lu Guang soothes. “I’m not going to leave, I’m right here.” Maybe he means it.
Cheng Xiaoshi nods weakly. He has no choice but to believe him. Lu Guang wouldn’t break a promise like that, so he has to believe him. He slowly steadies his breathing, watching Lu Guang’s chest rise and fall.
“What made you so worried?” Lu Guang asks suddenly.
The dark-haired man hesitates, pondering the words to say. Everything aches, it always has, and honestly, he’s always been afraid. “How could anyone stay when my own parents couldn’t be bothered?”
At that, Lu Guang holds him tighter, kissing the top of his head. “Cheng Xiaoshi, I’m so, so sorry,” he says. “You never deserved that. You should never have been left behind. You were just a kid, it was never your fault,” he says. “I know you blame yourself, but it’s on them, they missed out on raising you,” he says. “You’re precious to me, you know? Everything changed when I met you,” he says. “You’re worthy of love, and you’ll always have me and Qiao Ling.”
“Then why do you act like it’s all temporary?”
Lu Guang goes quiet.
Is this it? Is he going to walk out and never look back? Or is he going to wait until he’s asleep, and sneak out? Is this it? Is this why everyone leaves?
“Cheng Xiaoshi,” he speaks up.
“What? Are you going to break your promise already?”
“No, I’m not,” he says, then lets out a slight sigh. “I just… don’t want to lose you,” he says. “If something happened to you…”
“Nothing’s going to happen to me,” Cheng Xiaoshi says. “Are you afraid of losing me too?”
“More than anything.”
“I’m not leaving either, I promise too,” he says. “So that’s why you wouldn’t say forever? Because you’re afraid something’s going to happen to me? Lu Guang, I’m fine, I’m right here, you don’t have to be afraid either,” he says, then smiles weakly at him. “Here I was thinking you wanted to leave, but you’re afraid too, huh?” Lu Guang nods, leaning forward to kiss him. Cheng Xiaoshi meets his lips, pressing for but a moment, before they both let out a sigh. “I’m sorry for worrying so much.”
“It’s alright, I get it,” Lu Guang says. His lack of an answer cuts like a knife. Then he adds, “I love you.”
Cheng Xiaoshi nods. “Love you too, Guangguang.”
The two lay still together, and he starts to relax. Maybe he was worried over nothing. Besides, it’s already been over a decade since he’s seen his parents, it’s not like it’s anything new. Maybe things will be okay, maybe they’ll work out. Besides, he and his partner have already been through so much together, sacrificing everything for each other.
“Babe?”
Cheng Xiaoshi lifts his head. “Yeah?” he asks.
“How are you feeling?”
‘Little better,” he answers. “Do you want to go back to your bed? I think I’ll be okay now.”
“I don’t mind sleeping down here,” Lu Guang says. “It’s cold by the window, and you’re warm.”
“Looking for an excuse to sleep with me?” Cheng Xiaoshi teases with a smirk. Lu Guang scoffs. “Aw, c’mon, you love me.”
“Go to bed, idiot,” Lu Guang says, but the warmth in his tone is unmistakable.
Cheng Xiaoshi giggles and pulls his blanket up over them, throwing the other end around his partner. “Lu Guaaaang,” he whines. “I can’t go to bed until you kiss me goodnight, pretty please?” he says with a goofy smile.
Lu Guang rolls his eyes, but he pulls Cheng Xiaoshi closer, kissing him softly on the lips. They press into each other for a long moment, then finally, Lu Guang tucks the blanket around the taller man’s shoulder. “Go to bed, idiot,” he says again. “I’ll be right here, wake me up if you need anything, I love you.”
“I love you more,” Cheng Xiaoshi says with a smile, curling up against Lu Guang’s chest and closing his eyes. He starts to feel a sense of calm. It’s nice to joke around like normal, and maybe Lu Guang’s right, maybe everything will be okay. His lover’s steady breathing lulls him, and he starts to feel drowsy. Soon enough, he dozes off.
—
The metallic stench of blood.
The place is familiar. It has to be the darkroom, but everything is warped, the whole scene is drenched in a crimson haze, and when he looks around, the photos are all the same– Cheng Xiaoshi in the forefront with a wide smile on his face, arm draped over Lu Guang’s shoulder, with the two staring fondly at each other. But upon closer inspection, there’s black holes in different places on the photos. When he looks again, all the photos are blurred.
Lu Guang looks down at his hands to see them covered, dripping in blood, breath catching in his throat. He looks around quickly to see his lover, panting shallowly, only a few feet away. He rushes to his side, pressing down on a wound, praying the bleeding will stop. “Cheng Xiaoshi!” he yells desperately. “No, no, no, not again, please, not again,” he cries.
Cheng Xiaoshi reaches out and grabs ahold of his shirt, pulling him closer. “Why, Lu Guang? Why did you let me die?” he rasps. His eyes are black and completely void of color. His hands are freezing.
Lu Guang’s heart races, clutching the dark-haired man in his arms. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but please, please don’t leave me, I can’t do this without you,” he whimpers.
Cheng Xiaoshi coughs up blood, a twisted smile forming on his face. He lets out an eerie laugh, then wheezes. “You did this to me. It’s all your fault. I’m already gone, and it’s too late to save me. I’d still be alive if I never met you,” he taunts him, spitting out the last words. He reaches up and grabs Lu Guang’s neck. “You should be the one lying here.”
“I’m sorry…”
“YOU SHOULD BE DEAD.”
At that, Cheng Xiaoshi finally lets go, writhing abruptly then falling limp on the ground. “No!” Lu Guang screams, quickly kneeling over him, pressing down on his chest in a last-ditch attempt to revive him. The rise and fall of his breath has stopped, and when Lu Guang checks for a heartbeat, there’s none to be found. “It should’ve been me,” he cries out. “It should’ve been me…”
Lu Guang’s eyes fling open. His entire body is trembling head to toe as he realizes he’s lying in bed, and the body next to him is warm. There’s a steady rise and fall beneath the blanket. His lover is still breathing. He reaches and grips Cheng Xiaoshi’s wrist, pressing his thumb down to feel for a pulse.
“...Guang?”
Lu Guang drops his hand. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Cheng Xiaoshi grunts, then rubs his eyes and yawns. “Babe, you’re shaking,” he says. “Bad dream?”
The white-haired man nods stiffly.
“What happened?”
A silence grows between them, and Lu Guang turns his head away. Saying it out loud would make it real.
“Guangguang,” Cheng Xiaoshi presses. He pulls his partner to face him, and finally their eyes meet. His eyes are back to their light brown color, and there’s a gentle twinkle to them. His face is tan, with a light pinkish-reddish hue, and his eyebrows are furrowed in concern. “If you don’t tell me, I’m only going to worry more.”
“It was just a dream,” Lu Guang says, sighing. “I’m okay, you’re here.”
“Did you dream something happened to me?”
No response.
Cheng Xiaoshi takes his hand, pressing it to his chest. They curl their fingers around each other’s, staring for a long moment. “I’m fine, I’m still breathing, my heart is still beating, I’m right here,” he says. He gives a soft smile, then kisses his cheek. “It’s okay, Guangguang, it was just a dream.”
Lu Guang is tense, but feels his heartbeat and starts to relax. “Right,” he mumbles. He wants to believe that. He wants to think everything will be okay. But he knows it’s too late. He knows all too well that death is something that cannot be changed, not without a price.
“Don’t look at me like that,” Cheng Xiaoshi chides. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Everything’s fine, okay? It was just a dream.” He leans forward and plants a kiss on Lu Guang’s temple. “Do you wanna talk about it? Or, we could talk about something else, whatever you want,” he says. When he doesn’t get an answer, he adds, “I had a dream you were, like, a superhero. You could fly and everything, and I fell out of a tree trying to rescue a cat, but you came and scooped me up before I hit the ground, and you saved the cat.”
Lu Guang can’t help but breathe a laugh. “Was my costume cool at least?”
Cheng Xiaoshi giggles. “You were wearing pink tights and you had this sick, spikey blue cape.”
“I don’t think I’d look good in pink tights.”
“At least your cape was cool!”
The air between them lightens, and Lu Guang looks up at his smile. That smile is his world, and every time he sees it, he decides he never wants to let that go, no matter the cost.
Soon dawn breaks, and a warm orange-pink light creeps through their bedroom windows. “Morning already? What time is it?”
Lu Guang glances at his watch. “A little after 5:30,” he answers.
“I say we go back to bed, this time I’ll fight off your bad dreams,” Cheng Xiaoshi says.
“Are you a superhero too now?” Lu Guang teases.
He puffs out his chest. “Oh yeah, I’m the most powerful superhero known to man. I have telekinesis and time traveling powers, and I can shoot lasers out of my eyes. Wanna be my sidekick?”
“You idiot.”
“You love me.”
“I do,” Lu Guang answers. “I really do love you.”
Cheng Xiaoshi tilts his head. “I love you too,” he says with a grin. “Feeling any better now?”
“I always do when I’m with you.”
“Oh, shut up, now you’re just being cheesy,” he teases. He yawns dramatically and stretches, then reaches to wrap his arms around Lu Guang. “A-Guang, I’m cold, I need you to warm me up.”
“You big dork,” Lu Guang sighs, wrapping his arms around Cheng Xiaoshi and rubbing his shoulders. “What am I going to do with you?”
“You could hold me, and kiss me, and cuddle with me until we fall back asleep,” he says with a smirk. “I don’t want to do anything today. Between me not being able to sleep last night, and you waking up at the ass-crack of dawn, we probably only slept like 3 hours at most,” he complains. “Can we stay in? Pretty please?”
Lu Guang rolls his eyes, kisses his partner’s forehead, then ruffles his hair. “Alright, fine, but we can’t make a habit of it.”
“I know, I know, but sometimes it’s nice to be lazy.” He squeezes Lu Guang tighter. “You’re nice and cozy, like a warm teddy bear, I could sleep all day like this.”
“I’m not a teddy bear,” he says with a sigh of mock-annoyance. “I am getting sleepy, though. I guess we could stay like this. He snuggles his head into the crook of Cheng Xiaoshi’s neck, closing his eyes and taking a few slow breaths.. “I’m glad you’re okay. Um, thanks, for making me feel better,” he says.
“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” he says. “Don’t worry, I’ll be right here when you wake up.”
“Promise?” Lu Guang asks, his voice suddenly sounding small, like a desperate little kid.
Cheng Xiaoshi blinks. “Of course I promise, why wouldn’t I be?”
Lu Guang doesn’t answer the question, but instead whispers, “Okay.”
They continue mumbling nonsense to each other, wrapped in each other’s arms. Being close enough to feel his heartbeat puts Lu Guang at ease. The two lie together intertwined. Everything will be okay. Time may continue to slip between them, and the red strings of fate may guide them, but he’s made up his mind. He’s not going to let Cheng Xiaoshi go. They’ll grow old together, take care of each other, and live a long, happy life. He doesn’t care if it destroys the fabric of time itself. He only has one thing to lose – or, person, in this case, and he’s willing to risk everything for things to stay like this. He’s certain of it. After everything, don’t they deserve a happy ending?
He feels himself grow drowsier and drowsier, taking in his partner’s warmth and breathing in his familiar scent. This is home, and it always will be.
“I’ll stay,” he whispers, although he knows his love is asleep now.
Even if it doesn’t last forever,
It’s enough for now.