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Han's heart is racing as he sits next to his bandmates. His limbs feel unnatural in the position they're resting in, and his clothes feel too tight, revealing all his insecurities hiding under the oversized, long-sleeved shirt. He feels like he can hear the others judging him, though the company therapist he has to see insists it's all in his head.
He can free-style a rap with a few seconds' notice, but human relationships trip him up. He never felt like he fit in, even in school. Here, he has the advantage of being talented, which gives him an edge he never had before. He's the ace, acknowledged by everyone.
But, of course, some sore points still rear their heads every once in a while. Some days, it's how he looks next to visual gods like Minho and Hyunjin; other days, it's how he can't relate to his age peers about normal life experiences.
Today, it's how the members are all talking within their own bubble. He feels left out, and he knows it's stupid. But he couldn't help how he feels.
Only the 00z are at the dorm, a rare gathering of same-aged friends. This is where he supposedly belongs. Everyone here is equal, and they have everything in common.
Yet...
"Oh my god, you remember that movie that we saw the other day? Seungmin looks just like that puppy in it right now!" Hyunjin exclaims, laughter ringing loud in the living room.
"Mong mong," Seungmin replies, tilting his head. His displays of aegyo were rare but not nonexistent. A fact that more than surprised Han when he first got to know him. It was unexpected from the serious singer who got in through open auditions.
"You're right!" Felix collapses into giggles at Hyunjin's side. The way he's laughing makes it seem like Hyunjin is the funniest guy in the world. Han didn't watch the movie with them; they hadn't asked him. Even if he had, there was no way he would have found that joke funny.
"Oh, what movie did you guys watch?" he asks, nevertheless.
"And he always barks so cutely, just like that puppy!" Hyunjin continues, not hearing Han under the chaos.
"Yeah, like 'mong mong'... why are you so cute, Seungmin?" Felix asks, agreeing with Hyunjin like always. Han doesn't actually find Seungmin all that cute at the moment, though that could be the jealousy talking.
How is some pretend barking getting so much attention?
After a few years of being in the same group and going through all the ups and downs of the K-pop industry together, Han feels much more stable in his relationships within the group.
He doesn't feel the need to insert himself in every conversation, and he doesn't feel that sad when his voice gets buried under the chaos. He even became close with his once sworn rival, and now they were up to playing a married couple on-screen. All in all, much progress has been made in the people skills category.
Still, there are good days and bad days. Today is not a good day.
"Hey, did you want to check out that new restaurant we were talking about?" Felix asks the room full of people. But Han knows he's not talking to him; they hadn't talked about any new restaurant recently.
Hyunjin, who had been seemingly immersed in his phone till now, pops his head up. "Oh yeah, sure. Now?" he asks.
"Yeah, if you aren't doing anything..." Felix trails off, fiddling with the zipper of his hoodie.
Han doesn't know what comes over him next; maybe the ghost of pre-debut Han possesses him momentarily. Seeing them make plans so blatantly, without bothering to invite anyone else, almost wakes him like a sleeper agent hearing the code word.
Horrifyingly, he interjects, "Hey, which restaurant is that? I'm kinda hungry, so I can come too."
"Oh," Felix turns to him as if he just realised there were people in the room other than Hyunjin. Han suddenly feels invisible, even to his own sunshine twin.
"Yeah... okay," Hyunjin replies, though it is not clear whose question he is responding to. He gets up and looks expectantly at Han, who is the only one of them still seated.
Han scrambles to stand, gathering his earbuds and phone quickly. An irrational fear of being left behind pushes him to be fast, though neither of them looks like they're in a rush.
In fact, they both look a little bored now, the excitement that was lighting up a moment ago having died down to normal levels.
Han feels like he's somehow third wheeling them, even though they're both his friends now! He's actually close with both of them individually, but somehow, there's always an awkward tension when the three of them hang out together.
On the way to the restaurant, everything feels normal again. He can keep up with the conversation; they aren't giggling at something without explanation. He feels good.
When they all sit down to order, stools creaking in the hole-in-the-wall place Hyunjin had found, Han's spirits feel high again.
"How did you even find this place?"
"Oh... we were... just walking around... and Hyunjin saw it," Felix replies, glancing at Hyunjin at every pause.
"Yeah, the other day. After our schedules were over, we had some time...," Hyunjin says. He looks apologetic, his thick eyebrows drawing in.
"I must have been busy. I didn't notice you going out," Han tries to contribute. He usually knows what his fellow 3racha members are up to, but it's much harder to keep track of Hyunjin. His schedule is different, and so are his interests.
"Oh yeah... we would have called you if you were free."
Han feels like that is a lie. They didn't invite him today, did they?
Even more years later, Han is now so at peace with himself that he's practically Buddha. He writes the music that he wants to write and works out enough to feel more than confident about his body. His tattoos are a hot topic among the fans now, and he actually feels okay sharing such an important part of himself with the world.
All of this to say, Han is more comfortable in his own skin.
But, even after all this time, that strange tension between his two fellow 00z did not lift. No matter how understanding he was and how much space he gave them, he felt like there was something more they were keeping from him.
It was even more evident by how the hyungs treated them.
"Okay, we have to split the rooms... since there are no cameras, Manager-hyung won't care," Channie-hyung is explaining. The members are all sleepy, hanging off each other and sprawled on the couch.
"So, we can have Hyunjin-Felix, Han-Minho, Changbin-Seugmin, and that leaves me with Ayennie~" he coos at I.N., but the maknae only smiles and bats his grabby hands away.
"Hyung, I was thinking we could work on that track tonight, so maybe we can room together?" Changbin-hyung asks, looking at the others in question.
"Oh yeah, then we can switch," Channie-hyung replies.
As much as Han loves rooming with Minho-hyung, he doesn't understand how this has become the default. He never gets to room with the other 00z, especially Hyunjin or Felix. Seungmin acts like he's the same age as I.N., so it feels like Han is the only one left out without a same-age friend.
Pushing these thoughts away, Han follows his 3racha members to their room to help them with the track. He had some ideas, and sharing them now would make the whole process easier than giving feedback later.
When they are close to finishing, he gets up and stretches his stiff back. Looking at the two of them working hard in a good direction reassures him. He can always count on them to actually follow through to the end of the music-making process.
"Hyung, if you guys don't need me, I think I'm gonna hang out with Hyunjin and Felix in their room. We haven't had a chance to catch up in a while," Han muses, trying to recall the last time he had a meaningful conversation with either of them. It must have been before this leg of the tour even started.
Changbin-hyung looks up sharply, "What?" he deadpans.
Channie-hyung also looks away from his laptop screen, which makes Han a little nervous. Usually, when he gets in the zone, even the hurricane of noise and chaos caused by the other members isn't enough to distract him.
All Han had expected from his statement was wordless agreement or another clarifying question about the track, not this hail of judgment.
"You guys made plans earlier? I didn't notice..." Channie-hyung asks carefully, a wary look on his face.
"No... I just thought I would drop in and say hi..."
"Maybe you shouldn't do that, they might be busy..." Changbin-hyung says, more forcefully than Han expected.
"I won't disturb them, I'll just say hi and leave if they're busy..." he tries to calm the two hyungs down.
"No, Hannie... just leave them be... Minho must be waiting for you to go back, go to sleep for now. You can see them in the morning." Channie-hyung says with the leader voice he always uses when the members need more guidance than usual.
Han was baffled. Why is this such a big deal?
It all becomes clear when he walks into them, kissing on the couch.
"Ahhh!" Han exclaims and slams his palms over his eyes.
For a second, his mind cannot process what he just saw... he feels like he's in one of those freaky dreams that mess up your world view when you wake up.
"Hannie! Uh... sorry, we didn't mean to..." Felix's voice sounds unusually high.
Han slowly looks back up. Thankfully, they're sitting at a respectable distance away from each other. Hyunjin's ears are so red, and his big hands completely cover his face. Felix doesn't look any less embarrassed, doe eyes wide and hands fidgeting with his t-shirt.
"What was that???" Han asks, his voice a little too loud. He's so confused and shocked, his brain feels like it's running at half speed.
"You didn't know?" Hyunjin looks up from his hands, confusion furrowing his brows.
"About what?"
"I mean... I know it's our fault you had to see that, but... we are a couple, it's expected, right?" Felix answers.
"You guys are a couple?! Since when?" Han felt so blindsided. He had missed this important development between his two friends.
"Oh... I don't actually know... but we are together now..." Hyunjin replies, looking off to the side. Felix looks at him with a little sorry pout, clearly feeling bad about something.
"Did you guys have to like DTR first?" Han asks, finally calming down a little.
"Yeah, we weren't really sure how it would work out... Didn't the hyungs mention something to you, though? Channie-hyung said something like that..." Felix scrunches up his face in thought.
"Now that I think about it, this explains so much. He did say something, but I didn't get it back then. Actually, I've always wondered why you guys were so close and left me out..." Han spews out in a moment of revelation.
He immediately regrets it when he sees the shocked and guilty faces of his two friends. He didn't mean to make them feel bad.
"Hannie... we love you... We didn't mean to leave you out..." Felix apologizes.
"Anyways, you have Minho hyung, right?" Hyunjin says kindly, like he's explaining how the world works to a toddler.
"What? How is that the same thing?"
"Isn't it? You guys are a couple just like us. How is it different?" Felix asks in that blunt way of his.
Han feels like he's being pelted with truth bombs. Did he and Minho-hyung actually look like a couple? Why had Han never noticed?
"I'm going to talk to Minho-hyung now."
Extra:
When Han asks Minho about it:
Han: Hyung, are we a couple?
Minho: *slow cat blink* Yes.