Work Text:
[Felix’s POV]
“What are we? Soulmates?” he asked me with a laugh as he climbed behind the wheel of my car.
My breath caught in my throat as I watched him slide the seatbelt across his chest and fasten it by his hip. I prayed for it to protect everything I loved as he closed the door and waved goodbye before reversing out of the driveway. With a pained smile I waved back and watched until he was out of sight around the corner. His question came back to haunt me.
What are we? Soulmates?
“Yeah,” I whispered quietly to the empty road. “We are.”
Slowly, I forced myself back into the house, my bare feet tingling from the cool boards of the front porch under my heels. Watching him drive away always made me feel a little sick to my stomach, but I had to let him live his own life.
Even if he didn’t remember me anymore.
And it didn’t feel fair that we both woke up that morning and two hours later I wasn’t the one who had to be rushed to the hospital. I had been the one who wanted to make banana bread and needed bananas. I had been the one who barely kissed him goodbye before he left for the grocery store, because that had been how he always loved me; making sure I had everything I ever wanted.
But how about now? How about when I wanted him?
My mind went back to our conversation earlier when he had glanced up from his phone, an easy smile on his face, and casually mentioned, “I think Changbin likes me. Should I go for him?”
I had to simply shrug and say, “I don’t know. It’s up to you?”
Because it was. It was all up to him now that he no longer had any memory of us. My chest physically ached sometimes with the loss of it. All the days and nights I had spent beside him in the hospital, begging him to just wake up, that was all I wanted, nothing else mattered. During those weeks, I had imagined him losing all sorts of things; his mobility, his mental health, his cognitive thinking… I had never imagined him losing his love for me.
Back inside, I made my way to the guest room—my room—and sank down on the edge of the stiff mattress. We had all been told not to overwhelm him with things that he couldn’t remember, so when it became clear he only remembered me as a friendly face in a few of his college classes and not his boyfriend of three years, his family had asked me to wait a while. Just a little. Maybe his memories would come back on their own and we wouldn’t have to force him into a situation that made him uncomfortable. I could still hear his mother’s sobs as she held me in the waiting room, apologizing that her son didn’t remember me.
“He’ll come back to you one day, I know he will,” she had promised with every ounce of conviction a mother could have. “He fell in love with you once. Either the memories will come back on their own, or he’ll fall in love with you again.”
So we had settled on the story of roommates. I had the bittersweet opportunity to keep him close, make him laugh, see his smile, give him all the care and affection I could without crossing the line. Our friends slipped back into his life and he remembered some better than others. Changbin being one that he had strong memories of because of the way Changbin had teasingly flirted with him all through his freshman year of college. A year before we even met.
With my thoughts on Changbin, I pulled out my phone and dialed his number. He answered the call with a hint of concern in his tone. All our friends had that tone these days, unable to forget the day I had called to tell them about the accident.
“No, nothing happened,” I lied, keeping my voice steady. “I just wanted to let you know that Hyunjin mentioned you earlier. Said he thought you might like him and he asked me if he should go for you.”
“Oh, Felix.” Changbin let out a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s fine.” The lump in my throat tightened and I blinked my eyes against the sting of tears.
“I can’t imagine how it feels right now, but hang in there, okay?” Changbin had tried to be the rock for all of us after the accident, but I could hear the strain in his tone. “Situations like this are hard, but all you can do is take it one day at a time.”
“Yeah,” I said, holding in my sigh.
If I had a dollar for every time I had heard that phrase, I would have burned them all because I hated it. I hated it with every fiber of my being. How could I take things one day at a time when Hyunjin was supposed to have been my forever? My eternity? We didn’t send each other hearts or winky faces, we sent each other infinity signs and stars because our love for each other was bigger than the galaxies. As young as we were, we already knew we were it for each other. And now…. And now…
I held my face in my hands as I wept over the bitter unfairness of it all. I had so much and so little at the same time. I was thankful and grieving, overjoyed and broken, loved and unwanted at the same time. Because Hyunjin could have died that day on his way to the store to buy me bananas so I could make my fucking banana bread, and he didn’t. He was alive and miraculously up and around and even back to driving as if knowing he had almost died in a car accident meant nothing to him.
On the bed beside me, my phone rang and I quickly dried my tears at the sight of Hyunjin’s name on the screen. With shaking fingers I answered, uninvited panic coursing through me at the thought of another accident. I tensed, waiting to hear his voice.
“Hi Felix!” His bright tone washed over me and my body physically relaxed at the sound. “I feel like I remember you needing bananas. Do you need bananas?”
Tears filled my eyes and I lay back to stare at the ceiling. They slid silently down my temples and into my hair as I pressed my shaking lips together. Swallowing hard, I tried to speak without letting him hear the waver in my voice.
“Yeah, sure, I could use some bananas,” I told him.
“Okay! I’ll get you some. Is there anything else we need before I leave the grocery store?” he asked.
“Mmm, not that I can think of.” I squeezed my eyes shut, thankful he couldn’t see me. “Are you almost done?”
“Yeah, I was just picking out some fruit and then I’ll head home.”
“Okay, see you soon.” I bit my tongue so hard I could taste the words I love you bleeding into my mouth. “Drive safe.”
“I will, I will!” He laughed. “You sound like my mom!”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll bring your car home in one piece!”
As if it was the car I cared about. He hung up and I curled into a ball, allowing myself a few more minutes of self-pity. I had to choose my moments to let my grief out when he wouldn’t accidentally stumble across me in a fetal position, my hand gripping the ring that hung on a chain around my neck. He asked me about it once, but how could I safely explain that his matching one had been cut off his finger by the paramedics because his hand had been smashed between the steering wheel and the door?
Finally, I forced myself to my feet. The love of my life would be home soon, and I would do everything I could to make sure he felt happy and safe in our home. I stood in the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror when I heard the front door open. Shit. Splashing cold water on my face had done nothing for my red eyes this time.
“Felix?” A soft knock forced me to hang the towel back on the rack.
“Hey, sorry.” I exited, shrinking back slightly at the sight of him so close on the other side of the door.
“Why are you sorry? I just wanted to let you know I got you your bananas.” He smiled, but I saw the wariness in his eyes. I hadn’t done a good enough job disguising my emotions this time. “And I got you a treat.”
“A treat?” I followed him to the kitchen, seeing the reusable bags sitting on the island in the middle of the room. The nice gesture felt like a shot to the heart because this treat didn’t mean I love you more than life itself and your smile makes me happier than anything else in existence. This treat meant Hey, I’m a good roommate and I can tell you’ve been upset about something. “You didn’t have to get me a treat.”
“I wanted to.” Hyunjin turned to give me a smile. “I know you’ve been having a hard time adjusting to me being back from the hospital and I wanted to thank you for doing so much for me.”
He used to call me my love and hold my face in his big hands, staring down at me before he kissed me. He used to tell me I looked stunning no matter what I wore. He used to dance with me in the kitchen while we hummed Nothing by Bruno Major.
“Hyunjin…” I cursed the way my eyes went back to their traitorous ways and allowed tears to well up.
“Felix,” he said teasingly, but his smile faded as he watched me brush the tears from my cheeks. “I don’t know if we were the type of roommates that would do something like this before, but I feel like I should hug you.”
And oh, if my heart could fling itself off of a cliff, it would have. That would have felt less painful than standing there in the kitchen with the fucking bananas as a yellow beacon of how much I had lost sitting between us. Somehow he always remembered that I had needed bananas, but not that I needed him. At first I thought that him always bringing me bananas from the grocery store meant he would remember me soon. Right? But he didn’t seem to be any closer to realizing the bananas used to be an offering of love. Still, I couldn’t stop myself from stepping forward and murmuring something like,
“We can hug.”
I didn’t catch myself in time and the second his arms started to wrap around me, I sank fully against his chest and held him as tightly as I could. I thought about that horrible morning five months earlier when I hadn’t taken every opportunity to wrap myself around him before he walked out of the house and never came back. At least, not as the man he once had been. I only realized what I had done when I heard him give a soft chuckle, his arms holding me awkwardly.
“I take it we used to hug a lot,” he said gently.
“Oh, I’m sorry.” I pulled myself away, my cheeks flaming. “I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry? You didn’t do anything wrong,” he watched me with something like pity in his eyes. “I offered the hug.”
What else could I say?
“I-I’m gonna be in my room,” I said, my voice low as I turned to escape that moment. I had almost reached it when I heard him say my name again. Turning, I leaned back against the doorframe to keep me upright.
“Your treat.” He held out a bag of chocolates. Not my favorite kind, but a nice kind that he used to eat in celebration after finals in college.
“Thank you, Hyunjin.” I took the bag and hugged it to my chest. “Let me, uh, just let me know if you need me.”
As soon as the door shut behind me, I found myself on my knees, tears streaming down my face in rivers of hot, salty torment. Holding my hand over my mouth, I did my best to muffle the sound of my heart breaking. I would love that man until the day I died, whether he remembered me or not, even when it hurt like hell.
***
[Hyunjin’s POV]
I couldn’t remember him and it was killing him.
I could see it in his eyes every time he thought I wasn’t looking. He did his best to keep it from me, but even before I left the hospital, I had woken up to him holding my hand. I had seen him hang back in corners to watch me talk with my parents, the prettiest smile lighting up his face. He loved me. I could feel it in the way he walked me out to his car every time I said I wanted to go to the grocery store. Even now, as I stood on the other side of the door hearing him sob, I could feel his love. I wanted nothing more than to remember what type of love I had felt for him, but I had nothing.
Forcing myself away from the door, I went back into the kitchen to put away the rest of the groceries. I stared at the bananas, wondering why I thought about Felix every time I looked at them. He didn’t even seem to like them more than most things. Just an average amount of liking. So why? But each visit to the grocery store had ended with me grabbing a bunch and sticking them in the cart.
For Felix, I would hear the thought in my head, even when I didn’t understand it.
There had been many things I didn’t understand after the accident. One had simply been the fact that I missed almost two months of life lying in a bed with tubes connected to my body. When I woke up, Felix and my mother had been there. They both cried. I hadn’t been aware enough at the time to realize how much that didn’t make sense. I had known Felix from a few of my college classes and had crushed on him a little from afar, but Changbin had been so loud about his feelings for me, I hadn’t even had time to really think about the boy who always smiled when he saw me.
Apparently I made time at some point.
It had been two weeks since leaving the hospital to move back into the house I had shared with Felix. I knew the room he claimed to be his had been the guest room. Even without any of his clothes in the dresser, the whole master bedroom smelled like him. The ensuite bathroom smelled like his shampoo. The queen-sized bed had indentations where two bodies had once slept side by side. Still, he refused to tell me what we used to be to each other.
“I think Changbin likes me. Should I go for him?” I had asked earlier, hoping for some sort of reaction. I had gotten one, but not the kind that fixed anything. I couldn’t even remember what Felix said in response because I had been so focused on the look of betrayal on his face. After that I had used the grocery store as an excuse to leave because I didn’t know how to apologize to the elephant in the room.
Hearing from Felix’s mouth that we had been in love wouldn’t bring back three and a half years of missing memories, but maybe it would change the emptiness I felt in my chest every time I watched Felix shut his door behind him. Or maybe it would soothe the constant underlying thrum of anxiety I had whenever I couldn’t find him. Maybe it would give me the courage to hug him the way he had just hugged me in the kitchen.
In that moment I had felt the agony in his soul as he clung to me and I realized he probably hadn’t had a chance to hug me like that since before the accident. I felt bad that I had responded in a way that made him feel awkward and apologetic. I should have just let him hold me. I could have at least given him that.
I must have fallen asleep on the couch with the TV on because the next thing I knew, Felix had a hand on my shoulder, his thumb stroking my collarbone until my eyes blinked open. Giving me a smile and pulling his hand back, Felix told me he had made dinner if I wanted to eat. I didn’t think he realized how much of a giveaway mealtimes were; we ate together like a couple. The muscle memory must have kept him from realizing that roommates didn’t cook meals to share every day like that.
“It smells good,” I said as I sat down at the table. “Thank you.”
“Of course. I don’t mind cooking,” he murmured as he served me first.
As I sat with my plate of food in front of me, my mind circled back to the question I had asked before I climbed into the car. I had said it and laughed, because I didn’t know what else to do. If I looked him in the eyes, I felt like I might have broken him. All he had said was that we both liked the same kind of ramen and the same flavors of ice cream and to make sure I got enough for both of us.
What are we? Soulmates?
I didn’t even think he registered my words at that moment, his eyes glued to the way I buckled myself in and turned the key in the ignition. I had left then, biting my tongue and wondering why I had chosen that to be my question. But as I sat next to him at the dining room table, I wanted to ask him again.
“You never answered my question from before,” I said, watching him serve himself.
“Which question?” His eyebrows flickered as he looked at me.
“When I asked if we were soulmates.” This time I didn’t laugh. This time I held his gaze and watched him swallow hard.
“I assumed the question was rhetorical,” he said thickly.
“It’s not.” I didn’t look away.
“Hyunjin.” His voice came out quiet. Then he shook his head and sat back in his chair. “We’re just roommates.”
I let him take a bite of food, training my own eyes in front of me. A strange sensation welled up between my lungs and my ribcage and I grimaced. Hearing him say we were just roommates made something inside of me rip apart a little. Turning back to him, I frowned sadly. When he met my gaze, his expression dropped in dismay at my watery eyes.
“But I… I miss you,” I said haltingly, trying to put my feelings into words. “I-I feel sad every time you leave me to be alone in your bedroom.”
His mouth had fallen open as he stared at me. I didn’t know if my words would cause more harm than healing, but after two weeks of tiptoeing around each other, I needed to be honest. Taking a shaky breath, I held onto the edge of the table, trying to keep myself from falling apart.
“You won’t leave me, right?” I asked, my heart in my throat. “Even if I never remember you?”
“What?” Felix stared at me.
“I don’t want you to leave. I don’t know why, but I just can’t bear the thought of it.” I squeezed my eyes shut, my chest constricting around my lungs. “Maybe it’s because every time I get out of the shower I see the infinity symbols in the condensation on the mirror. Or maybe because I know to sleep on the left side of the bed that’s supposedly all mine. Or because every time I listen to Nothing I feel like I can’t breathe.”
I could see the torture on his face, but I could see a layer of relief there, too.
“Will you stay even if I don’t get my memories back?” I asked in a whisper, my eyes too wet and blurry to see his face.
“I-I’m not going to leave you, Hyunjin.” I felt his fingers brush against my arm. “I-I would… I would never leave you.”
“Can we retry our hug?” I dashed away the tears that had spilled over.
Felix let out a deep breath.
“I don’t think I can hug you without-…” he started to explain.
“That’s okay. I want you to hug me like you’re used to.” I stood up and held out my arms. “I’m sure you’ve been wanting to since the accident. You haven’t been able to for months.”
Pressing his lips together in a quivering line, Felix closed his eyes. I saw his shoulders shake from a sob he kept trapped inside his chest and I wanted to make his pain stop.
“Felix, it’s okay,” I said in a low voice. “I want to hug you, too.”
With a soft cry leaving his lips, Felix stood to his feet and wound his arms around my chest. This time, I didn’t let the fact that I didn’t have any memories of loving Felix hold me back. Embracing him, I stood still as his tears soaked through the fabric of my shirt. My cheek rested against the top of his head and I tightened my hold on him. After a minute of crying against my shoulder, I heard him try to say something.
“I di-… I didn’t… Before y-you-…” Felix couldn’t get the words out. “I’m sor-sorry! I-I’m s-so-… I’m sor-…”
“Shhh, it’s okay,” I said past the lump in my throat. “It’s okay, Felix.”
“B-but I didn’t… I didn’t h-h-hug you b-before you left!” Felix lifted his head to look at me as he sobbed out his words. “I d-didn’t h-hug you! Y-you were get-getting me bananas so I c-could make banana bread! Tha-that’s when…” His face pressed back against my shoulder and he cried so hard I thought he might make himself sick.
“Shhh, Felix. It’s okay.” I ignored my own tears, doing my best to keep us both steady on our feet. “Calm down. It’s okay.”
“I’m s-sorry,” he apologized as he pulled back again. When I loosened my hold on him, he wobbled, then sat down on his chair. “I-it’s my fault. The accident. It w-wouldn’t have hap-happened if I hadn’t wanted bananas f-for banana bread.”
“It wouldn’t have happened if the other guy hadn’t been on his phone,” I said as I crouched down beside him. “Felix, it’s not your fault.”
“But I should have gotten m-my own damn bananas!” Felix clenched his fists and closed his eyes, his whole body taut and tense. “It sh-should have been-…”
“No.” I stopped him quickly, before he could even finish his thought. “No. You wish it was me sitting where you are right now?”
“But you were in s-so much pain.” Felix stared down at me, heartbreak in his eyes as one of his hands came up to hold my cheek for only a second. “You lost a whole part of yourself.”
“But I have you,” I said stubbornly. “You still love me, right?”
He nodded and his whole body shuddered as he tried to breathe through the last of his tears.
“I’ll always love you, Hyunjin,” he whispered.
“Thank you.” I stared up at him, wondering what sweet names we used to say to each other and what inside jokes used to make us laugh. What had made me fall in love with Felix? Who had said I love you first? When did we decide to move in together? What types of promises had we made within the four walls of our bedroom that I now had no memory of? “I hope I get a chance to know what it feels like to love you again in this lifetime.”
The edges of Felix’s mouth turned up into an unsteady smile as his palm found my tear-stained cheek. He didn’t have to say anything for me to know he hoped so, too. I stared up into his eyes and felt that familiar tug in my bones.
Soulmate, I thought to myself.
“But I’ll still stay, even if you don’t,” he promised. “As long as you want me, I’ll stay.”
***
[Felix’s POV]
143 days later...
I stood in front of the sink, my hands full of soapy silverware, the sound of my favorite French singer coming from my phone sitting on the counter. Outside, the sun shone brightly and the leaves on the trees barely flickered in the light summer breeze. The neighbor’s yard needed to be mowed, I noticed, as my eyes followed a bright yellow butterfly from my garden to his. A sudden sound of feet pounding up the front porch pulled me from my peaceful thoughts and I spun around as the front door burst open.
With a bunch of brown-speckled bananas in his hand, Hyunjin strode toward me, a look in his eye I hadn’t seen since God knows when. Before I could ask if something had happened, he had discarded the bananas on the counter and closed the space between us. His hands framed my face and his nose nearly touched mine. We had grown closer over the last four months, but for him to press his chest against mine like this?
“My love,” he breathed and his breath washed over my mouth.
My mind and thoughts stuttered at the familiar words leaving his mouth and I jerked back, staring at him with wide eyes. The words crowded into my mouth but I couldn’t say it out loud. I felt dishwater drip down to my elbows and onto the floor as we stood in the kitchen and stared at each other. My whole body trembled as Hyunjin nodded at me, his hands finding my face again.
“I remember,” he said, his voice thick. “I remember you.”
Before I could find my voice, his mouth found mine. Reaching my arms around his neck, I held him close. We had done it. We had found the missing pieces of me in his memories. After holding our love like a torch above my head in a pitch black wilderness, he had found me again. Tears ran down my face as I remembered how it felt to kiss and be held by him. Everything I had been holding inside broke out of me and Hyunjin caught it all, one hand on the back of my head and his cheek pressed against mine.
“Go ahead, cry it out, my love.” He swayed us back and forth as I cried in his arms. “I got you. I’m right here.”
Finally the emotions ebbed away and all that remained inside of me was the warmth of feeling known and loved. He kissed me again and again, saying how he had to make up for nearly a year of not kissing me. We smiled at each other and laughed, unable to find words to describe how it felt. It felt like the other half of my soul had been returned to me.
What are we? Soulmates?
How long ago had it been that he had asked me that? It had felt like torture back then to have him so close yet so far. Now, though…
I smiled up at him as I answered the question.
“Yes.”
“Yes?” He frowned at me, not understanding.
“Yes, we’re soulmates.” I went up on my tiptoes to kiss him softly.
“Good.” I felt him smile against my lips. “Because I love you and I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”
“Good.” I smiled back. Something yellow caught the corner of my eye. “Since you love me, can you promise me one thing?”
“Anything.” Hyunjin stared down at me with sincerity in his dark eyes. “What is it?”
“Can you please…” I pressed another kiss against the corner of his mouth, “please, please, please never buy me bananas ever again?”