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There are a few facts of life that Suho knows to be eternal.
Fact one; he lives with his grandmother. He will be a burden on his grandmother’s life until the end of times, and he will keep working hard to lessen that burden. Fact two; his parents do not like him. His father told him so much when they left him on his grandmother’s doorstep at just 8 years old, he doesn’t remember their faces anymore. Fact three; the sun burns white but appears yellow. The light rays scatter in the earth’s atmosphere, the sun turns yellow, and the sky bleeds blue. Fact four…
Suho has navigated his whole life holding onto these facts, pillars of truth for what makes a person into a Suho. So when he wakes up, and when he remembers everything, he can’t stop thinking.
Flashes of always looking at the back of Sieun’s head, chasing truths from someone who so easily evaded it his whole life. Unwavering eyes staring right into his soul as he searched for a way, any way to protect that which was his. Suho can’t stop thinking.
Suho wakes up and for the first time in his life one of the pillars that hold his very essence have crumbled. He wants to stop thinking.
Sieun isn’t there. Suho wakes up and remembers everything. Suho wakes up and because he remembers everything, he can’t stop thinking. Suho wakes up, he remembers everything, and he can’t stop thinking that maybe he is starting to hate Yeon Sieun.
Immediately he recoils from the thought. It’s too late. Something ugly has taken root within him, has gripped its claws into his very being and is eating away at his flesh – inside out – breaking down what was so very fundamental to who Suho was as a person.
He hates it.
He hates that Sieun is making him feel like this.
He resents himself for hating Sieun, because he knows it wasn’t Sieun’s fault. No matter how much he wants to throw rays of blame against the earth’s atmosphere and have it scatter all over, covering the planet like a sick disease—he knows it wasn’t Sieun’s fault.
How could it have been?
Sieun who only wanted to protect him, who made him worried sick when he didn’t show up for days on end, who made Yeongyi promise not to tell Suho anything, who hid his broken arm from him, who hid himself from Suho, who thought Suho so fragile that he wouldn’t be able to stand next to Sieun and nurse his injuries. Who didn’t tell Suho to not go.
Sieun wanted to protect Suho, but too bad. Suho wanted to protect Sieun even more.
Look what that got him.
Two years rotting away, waking up alone, haunted by his memories and the burden of knowing.
Suho wishes he woke up a blank slate. But he remembers.
And Sieun isn’t there.
Coward.
Suho that is.
It wasn’t Sieun’s fault at all. It wasn’t even Yeongyi’s fault for keeping him in the dark. It wasn’t even Wooyoung’s fault for wanting revenge and quick cash. It wasn’t even Beomseok’s fault for being so fucked in the head after his father’s abuse. It wasn’t even his grandmother’s fault for not seeing how Suho was barely holding his head over water as he fought to be the man of the household. It was not even his parents fault for dumping him on his old grandmother and pretending like he didn’t exist.
It was simply Suho’s fault.
So how could he hate Sieun for not being there, when all he is good for is misery. Suho was the fucked up one. Suho could have turned around and forced his way inside Sieun’s house like any other day, he could’ve told him he would take care of his broken arm, he could’ve cooked him food.
Suho decided to leave, Suho decided to play the hero, to act the good guy, to pretend he had lines he wouldn’t cross. Suho flew too close to the sun.
𓂃 ོ☼𓂃
Suho refuses to turn around. Refuses to look. He shouldn’t be here.
“Suho-yah.” A whisper.
Suho hates the sound of it.
Suho won’t turn.
A hand reaches out, he feels it part the air around him, hoovering over his shoulder.
Suho will not look.
“Please,” he breathes out.
Suho is breaking. He can’t break. Not this time.
He won’t spread his disease this time, he refuses to let his misery seep into the cracks he’s forced open all those years ago, destroying the only good thing he has ever felt in his life. He will not become what breaks Sieun.
Suho won’t turn around. Sieun doesn’t leave. Suho can feel his presence beside him. But Sieun doesn’t understand. Suho is poison, he will kill Sieun, he’ll take all that Sieun can offer and more. He will drain Sieun of life, clinging to him so he can keep his head over water while he forces Sieun into the very depths of the ocean.
“Suho,” he pleads.
It’s Suho’s fault again.
He turns.
And breaks.
He feels the tears drip down his cheeks before he realises that he’s crying. His Sieun is standing right there, looking at him like a miracle. There’s colour on the fats of his cheeks, tears pool in his eyes but none of the dullness that used to mar his eyes, his hand – free of bruises – trembles, still reaching out to touch. Never landing. But he is here. For Suho.
Suho grabs his hand. Forces himself into Sieun’s embrace to hide the tears. Suho is a liar. A hypocrite, a monster, how could he ever let himself blame—he's poison.
How could he ever hate someone so lovely, so full of life, so good as his Yeon Sieun.
“I’m sorry Sieun-ah, I’m so sorry,” he whispers into Sieun’s neck. For what exactly he doesn’t know. For everything.
Sieun only holds him tighter.
𓂃 ོ☼𓂃
Fact four; Ahn Suho loves Yeon Sieun.